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Armageddon? Try Profundo Impacto

ACTUALIZACIÓN VERDE DE LA CUADRILLA: 8-4, after righting the ship with an absolutely huge win on the road in Miami & escaping from those pesky Bears. The Miami win gives the Jets the tiebreaker over those otherwise-stellar Fish, who are due for their perennial collapse any week now, and puts Los Chorros on the inside track to the divisional title, assuming of course history repeats itself. (And when it comes to Los Delfines, you know it will.) Unfortunately, the gridiron gods have graced us with a murderous final month to the season, as every opponent past next week's crucial matchup with the Colts is a probable playoff participant. Then again, now that we've finally figured out how to avoid continually playing catchup, things should fall into place. The Jets will only go as far as Vinny's arm and Curtis' legs will take them. I look for them to rise to the challenge and go 3-1 to end the season, beating out the Bills & Miami for the AFC East crown.

MY TEN-SECOND POLITICAL STATEMENT, OR, HOW I LEARNED TO CONTINUE WORRYING & FEAR THE GREATER OF TWO EVILS: The election ballot recount controversy confirms one long-standing truth of politics - the person who wins is the person who cheated more. Since there's no way in hell Gore will ever get the Supreme Court to force the recount in Miami, we're stuck with Bush, who will deprive America's Last Hope of a chance to save the nation four years from now. And you know who I'm talking about.

Anyways, Armageddon is only two weeks away, so again, I decided to forgo the Edge & Christian stuff (and whatever else I had in mind for this week) to offer my take on how I think the WWF's year-ending PPV should unfold. What follows is in almost complete disregard to any hints laid by, especially that artwork featuring the Undertaker on the official Armageddon website. Exception to be noted later. It also takes into regard how the WWF thinks - triple threats and gimmick matches will be prevalent.

Off to the races...

Opening match, Tag Team titles vs. tables: BULL BUCHANAN & THE GOODFATHER v. THE DUDLEY BOYZ. Why the WWF decided to put this on free TV the day after Survivor Series is beyond me. Why the WWF decided to end that match in a lame disqualification is even further beyond my comprehension. It's quite obvious that the organization is building up to either this or a Right to Censor defense against the rappers, Road Dogg & K-Kwik (and believe me, they are nowhere NEAR ready to be holding gold yet. I like the rap gimmick; give it time to gel.) Unfortunately, it's not much of a buildup... What the WWF SHOULD'VE done is to have the RTC interfere and physically remove the tables from Dudleys matches, inciting their rage and provoking the DUDLEYS to make the challenge. But you reap what you sow. The Right to Censor members, while part of a powerful faction, are not marketable champions and are not even in the same league ability-wise as the Insane Triad. The other thing to consider is that the tables have always been the Dudleys' gimmick, and it would be too tall a task, in my view, to get them over with anything else. This feud is really just throwaway junk, however, for the massive D-Generation X/Right to Censor feud that should kick off right after the PPV. I'd book the Dudleys to win the tag team titles in convincing fashion, and mark the fans out by giving Ivory a taste of the wood.

This segues into:

Triple threat match, Women's title: IVORY v. LITA v. MOLLY HOLLY. Here's a situation where keeping the belt on the Right to Censor member is the right booking. Ivory is not only a marketable champion, unlike her Right to Censor counterparts, but she is also the only true heel in the Women's division. Lita is a firmly established babyface, and the WWF sent Molly on the way there by pairing her up with the popular Crash. Lita no longer stands alone as the standard in the Women's division, as Molly has showed that she can more than pull her share of the weight. I'm looking forward to the day these two feud, and I think the smart thing to do though is turn one of them. This won't happen at Armageddon, but rather at the Royal Rumble. I would turn Molly rather than Lita, because I still see enormous possibilities in her pairing with the ultra-face Hardy Boyz. As for the match, the faces will do their share of beating up on an already injured Ivory (remember the table-crash), but they'll bicker among themselves for the title, allowing the RTC to interfere and secure the retention.

Molly stays at ringside for...

T&A v. CRASH & HARDCORE HOLLY. This is the ultimate blowoff, as this is the night that the fans should see the beginning of the end of T&A. I have no clue why the WWF has pushed Test as a heel all this time (shouldn't, you know, a little REVENGE be on his mind all this time for Triple H & Stephanie manipulating him?) but again, you reap what you sow. It would have made more sense to put Hardcore Holly in the six-man at Survivor Series instead of Steve Blackman (considering how in retrospect they TOTALLY wasted the Lethal Weapon), but again the WWF confuses me. In any event, the T&APA dominate but have some internal squabbles (the beginning was Trish nutballing Albert during Survivor Series), but the REAL APA returns, followed by Holly pal Steve Blackman, and kick some righteous T&A ass to get the Hollys the win. A couple of TV shows later, the APA destroy T&A again, Test heads for the Intercontinental ranks while Albert heads for the European ranks, and Trish starts hitting on Kurt Angle more.

Next, please.

Hardcore title: STEVE BLACKMAN v. TAZZ. Pure throwaway on this one. Steve Blackman has been a good Hardcore champion, but the division hasn't been receiving the attention recently that it deserves. Tazz has been severely underpushed and underutilized, and now that he's heading back in a face direction as a result of his breakup with Raven (who is getting the same treatment), it's time to push him. It'd also be interesting to see the change in the dynamic on Sunday Night Heat, with color commentator Tazz wearing gold. (Okay, I know that was a stretch.) The match sees Raven interfere on Blackman's behalf, but we get the comedy ending, as Lo Down interferes and takes out Blackman with an international object to get Tazz the pin and the Hardcore title, "on behalf of midgets everywhere." Ugh. Sometimes my brain comes up with bad stuff.

Lo Down stays down because they're up next.

Tag team battle royale, #1 contender's match: THE HARDY BOYZ v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. TOO COOL v. LO DOWN v. PERRY SATURN & DEAN MALENKO v. ROAD DOGG & K-KWIK. I threw this one in merely because the WWF did something similar at last year's Armageddon, and maybe this could be some sort of tradition or something. I'm joking, of course, but the loaded Tag team division needs something to do since the horrendous Reformed Sinners are the tag team champs. Glad to see Lo Down finally getting involved again, but I admit I was starting to like the "Who are you?" angle - it fits perfectly with D'Lo's "You Better Recognize" gimmick. Get them away from Tiger Ali-Singh, though. In fact, get Tiger Ali-Singh off TV and never bring him back. The meat of this match, of course, is the Maple Leaf Blondes and the Extreme Boyz, with Too Cool having had absolutely no impact in the WWF since the Rikishi heel turn and with Saturn & Malenko having nothing better to do. (Note: If they started to build up some Light Heavyweight competition for Malenko, he WOULD have something else to do.) Road Dogg & K-Kwik have potential, but the rapping gimmick needs to be reworked, and they need to gel as a team a little bit better before being considered serious contender. (I like the rapping gimmick as is, but obviously the rest of America doesn't agree with me.) The match gets down to the Big Two, and the Maple Leaf Blondes win when Edge dodges Poetry In Motion, sending Jeff tumbling through the turnbuckle and to the floor for a countout. This eventually leads to them regaining the Tag team titles at Royal Rumble and leaving the Insane Spot Triad feud back at square one. Post-match festivities involve the aforementioned Big Two escaping while Chyna, Billy Gunn, Chris Benoit & Eddie Guerrero make their way to ringside to spark a D-X/Radicalz Pier-Eight brawl.

The family feud just won't end...

Submission match, Intercontinental title: "THE ONE" BILLY GUNN v. CHRIS BENOIT. Warning: This description involves a Sunday Night Heat spoiler. Read at your own risk. This match is the result of a challenge made by Benoit on Sunday Night Heat and accepted by Gunn. While I'd rather see Benoit feud with Austin, I do admit this has the potential to be great, considering the fact that the WWF has been claiming Billy's natural ability for years and yet never showcased it. It will be interesting to see just what kind of form Billy is in considering his recovery from a devastasting injury. Benoit's "Prove Me Wrong" gimmick has lost some credibility recently with his sound defeat in a WRESTLING match at the hands of Stone Cold Steve Austin, recovering from an injury far more longstanding and lethal than Billy's. Add Benoit's recent PPV, and his chances don't look good. However, booking Benoit to win is the right move as long as the WWF wants to sustain his gimmick. It's one he's held for a long time dating back to his WCW days, so I wouldn't do it. However, after winning (and subsequently getting screwed out of) two PPV WWF title matches, the IC title seems a step in the opposite direction for Benoit. He would be a transitional champion, setting the stage up for Val Venis, who's done nothing since joining the Right to Censor and needs a title run just to get some serious singles heat. The RTC will also want to save face after seeing their first mission fail and losing the tag titles. Post-match, Kane comes down and joins Benoit in beating down Billy Gunn, sparking a massive D-X mass attack that forces Benoit to flee the arena for his life.

The blood feud now gets literal.

First Blood match: KANE v. CHRIS JERICHO. I've been predicting the unmasking of Kane for a long time, and I think this'll be the PPV it finally happens. Mick Foley's announcement on Smackdown guaranteed we'd see this one again, and adding a First Blood stip makes sense considering how Kane wants to "disfigure" Jericho's face, and Jericho's made this a lot more personal before, during, and since the PPV. I'd rather see Jericho & Angle in a WWF title match where Jericho wins because Kane's interference backfires, but I'll take an opportunity to demask Kane anyday. It's a long time coming... and it should be coming since Kane has made noise off-camera about wanting to get the mask off. Having his burns exposed would refire his feud with the Undertaker and possibly lead to an abbreviated title reign considering the result I've predicted for the main event. Anyways, Kane and Jericho fight a match similar to their Survivor Series matchup, but involving a few more high spots and Kane selling Jericho's finishers. Of course, Kane draws first blood to win, but Jericho snaps and puts Kane in the Walls of Jericho, knocking him out and leading to the unmasking. The face is clearly shown as disfigured, then beaten to a bloody pulp by Jericho. Kurt Angle makes the save, starting an Angle/Jericho feud and leading to Jericho re-entering the title picture.

Cue the monstrosity.

Main event, WWF title, Six-Pack Hell in the Cell: KURT ANGLE v. THE UNDERTAKER v. THE ROCK v. RIKISHI v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN v. TRIPLE H. Warning: This description involves a Smackdown spoiler. Read at your own risk. So this is how the WWF decides to solve the booking disaster they created when Triple H turned back heel as a result of the Austin situation without resolvin the love triangle: Throw all six men into Hell in the Cell, puree, serve. Stupid, just stupid. I would rather have seen Austin & Triple H in a Death Match, Angle defending against Jericho, Rock & Undertaker getting it on for the #1 contendership, and Rikishi on the sidelines in some injury angle, but again you reap what you sow. Mick Foley's deemed it FINAL, so I'll work with it. The match has enormous potential and possibilities but it's just screaming for the Stephanie turn on Triple H, and a Rock turn on Austin (or vice versa). The WWF had something going with the baby thing - a scenario where Kurt Angle gets Stephanie pregnant as part of the resolution to the love triangle would be an excellent way to turn the two of them face (there's almost no way the fans will accept Triple H again after his teased face turn) - what the hell happened to it? Will Eric Angle make another surprise appearance? And WHEN THE HELL will Jericho get the shot he deserves? But I digress. I see Angle's title run aborting here - he really wasn't meant to be a dominant champion, and the belt will have to be out of the picture should the WWF do what I suspect it'll do with the love triangle. If the WWF does the predictable and uses this to set up Rock/Austin at Wrestlemania X-Seven (a match I do NOT want to see), then Austin walks with the belt. I don't think that should happen, as I'm still hoping for all roads to lead to Shawn Michaels in his injury angle resolution. That leaves the Rock, Rikishi & the Undertaker, and out of that pairing, I don't think anyone will get the title. We're gonna get our Dusty Rhodes finish where the title is vacated and the WWF plays up the Royal Rumble as being for the WWF title itself rather than for a shot at the title, as suggested by its early artwork for the event. This is an excellent idea considering the glut of talent at the top of the organization right now; it's also an excellent way to FINALLY give Jericho the title.

Post-Armageddon: Benoit jobs the Intercontinental title to Val Venis on a post-PPV edition of RAW or Smackdown, leading to the beginning of a Venis/Gunn feud and the D-X/RTC wars. And the WWF sets the stage for its enormously high-potential Rumble, which will involve all of the following: Triple H, The Undertaker, Kane, Chris Jericho, The Rock, Rikishi, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero (he has to come in after losing the Intercontinental title after a long reign), and 21 others who don't stand a real chance of winning.

It's so thrilling, we might even see the Big Show and Mark Henry in the mix for this one.

SHAMELESS PROMO: The Civilization Gaming Network is in the midst of a massive site redesign, so visit it while you can still see the old design!

NEXT TIME, SAME CHANNEL: I'm issuing an "open challenge." The amount of feedback I've been receiving for this column has declined in recent weeks (it may be the spacing between the columns or my ineptidudness, I really can't tell), so I want to find out who's listening. E-mail me at with a WWF-related gimmick, angle, WHATEVER, that you really dislike and want to see changed, and I'll tackle as many as I can in one sitting. (Even though I like it as is, I'll even entertain retakes on the Road Dogg/K-Kwik "Gettin' Rowdy" gimmick.) I await your challenges, and leave you with...

MY PIPE DREAM FROM MY DAYS AS A CLUELESS FAN: I once dreamt of an alliance between Stone Cold Steve Austin (you can see just by wanting Austin allied with someone how stupid I was back then), Kane, & Mankind to counteract the Undertaker's Ministry of Darkness. Two years ago this week was the closest I ever got to it. In a purely markout moment for me, Austin & Kane carried Paul Bearer to the ring and proceeded to scare him shitless. The reason for this? Undertaker had tried to EMBALM AUSTIN ALIVE the week prior and Kane made the save just in the nick of time. It's also "important" to note that this was during the time Paul Bearer was trying to have Kane committed, and this night Kane tricked the guys from the nuthouse into taking the Undertaker. I can't believe I was stupid enough to LIKE this shit back then, but I was. Anyways, Austin threatens to stab Bearer in the gut with scissors, but instead decides to have Kane lead Bearer outside the arena into the snow, where he is promptly stuffed into the sewer to end the show.

And they all lived happily ever after.


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