Before the interview, I have a little something that needs to be said about this week's TV. Why aren't tickets being sold for fans to sit backstage? Never in my life have I seen a sports entertainment show so heavy on skits in my life. I'm sorry, but Smackdown is not going to win an Emmy or Golden Globe any time in the future. Acting is not the strength of the WWF superstars, but physical in-ring action is where it's at.

Wednesday, February 13, 2002 (God, I sound like Paul Heyman reciting these dates.) Good Ol' J.R., Jr. interviewed Good Ol' Billy Goldberg. "Da Man." "The Phenom." Whatever you want to call him, the bottom line is he was a mainstream wrestling superstar and his career is currently on hold now. Bill is under contract to AOL Time Warner for another sixteen months. He's a man who has everyone's dream job: money for nothing. Collecting mailbox money. What follows is an interesting chat between two Okies who quite frankly don't give a shit what anybody thinks. If you are expecting a Jim Ross sitdown style interview I suggest you click the "Back" button on your browser right now. This is Part One of an EXCLUSIVE two-part interview.

JR, Jr.: Howdy Bill. What's shaking in your neck of the woods?

Bill Goldberg: Junior, I prefer to be callled William now. It's quite trendy.

JR, Jr: You're kidding me, right?

William Goldberg: No, I'm not. Gotta problem with that? If so, I'LL SPEAR YOU!

JR, Jr: Uh, Bill, remember this is a telephone conversation. There's no way you can spear me through the phone.

William Goldberg: Hey, it's William. Get it right or YOU'RE NEXT!

JR, Jr: Bill, I mean William, what I want to ask right off the top is do you have any desire whatsoever to be a player once again in this industry?

William Goldberg: No. Next question.

JR, Jr: OK. Your final match in World Championship Wrestling took place on January 14, 2001 at the Sin pay-per-view pitting DeWayne Bruce & yourself against Lex Luger & Buff Bagwell. That match turned out to be your retirement in the storyline and eventually in reality as well. Did you ever imagine that would be your last match?

William Goldberg: I thought Eric (Bischoff) had the company in the bag. I figured there would be a new day. A new start for WCW and I would be part of that, but that didn't happen.

JR, Jr: And how does that make you feel, William?

William Goldberg: I feel bad because the kids that look up to me don't have their hero anymore. God forbid my fans watch the WWF and be subjected to that crap.

JR, Jr: Yes, that would be a shame. Anyway, tell me about your relationship with your trainer, DeWayne Bruce.

William Goldberg: I owe everything I have accomplished in this business to Sarge. Y'know, you can't trust anybody in this business, but Sarge is a stand up guy. He's a mentor in many ways. I would take a bullet for the man.

JR, Jr: (At this point I'm in tears) That's so sweet. Would you mind if I turn up the voltage a little?

William Goldberg: What?

JR, Jr: That's Steve Austin's gimmick, by the way. Better cut it or the marks will start that "Goldberg copies Austin" shit again. Let's talk about that girlfriend of yours, Lisa. How did you meet her?

William Goldberg: I met her about nine years ago at a club (Note: Probably that much talked about Gold Club. Very unorthodox business practices I must say.) in Atlanta. I persued her and followed her around from club to club before she eventually gave in and went out with me (laughs).

JR, Jr: (A tad sarcastic) That's such a touching story. Just don't marry the bitch. Do you know how many wives I ran through in my 25 years of human existance?

William Goldberg: ...

JR, Jr: FOUR BY GOD WIVES! Bill, whatever you do, don't get married. You'll regret it the next damn morning.

William Goldberg: That's it JR, Jr. Next time I'm face to face with you not only will I spear you, but you're getting the jackhammer! You don't want to get under my skin. Did you see what I did to my caddy at the Bob Hope Classic a couple weeks ago?

JR, Jr: Yeah, you threw his sorry ass in the water.

William Goldberg: Hell yeah. I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. Laid back.

JR, Jr: What the fuck?

William Goldberg: Did I say that out loud?

JR, Jr: Uh, yeah!

William Goldberg: Oh shit. I hope you don't hold that against me. I dig old school Snoop Doggy Dogg.

JR, Jr: Who doesn't? Anyway, I want to ask you something wrestling related again. I know you've credited Hulk Hogan with making your career, but you fail to acknowledge that he also help put a damper on your drawing power too. Care to respond?

William Goldberg: Hulk Hogan made Goldberg. He put me over at the Georgia Dome in '98 and that sealed the deal on my legacy. I talk with Hulk all the time. I trust the man. He's the greatest of all time.

JR, Jr: Seriously, are you blind?

William Goldberg: Yes, in my left eye.

JR, Jr: That's bullshit.

William Goldberg: No, it's true.

JR, Jr: Now you're using Kurt Angle's catchphrase! Watch yo self!

William Goldberg: Jim, I will now be known as Sir William Goldberg. It just sounds cool. It flows off the tongue like butter.

JR, Jr: Wait a second. You realize you have to be knighted by British royalty in order to be called "Sir," don't you?

Sir William Goldberg: Don't make me spear one of my cats.

JR, Jr: Speaking of cats, what's the deal with you and the animal rights? Fighting for animal rights on Capitol Hill. Adopting enough dogs and cats to supply a small village. A lot of fans thought it was kinda unorthodox to see a 6'4'' 280 lbs. hoss standing up for animal rights, but I thought it humanized your character. It showed that Bill Goldberg...

Sir William Goldberg: HEY!

JR, Jr: I mean, Sir William Goldberg, is something more than a one-dimensional spearing and jackhammering neanderthal man.

Sir William Goldberg: Yeah, whatever.

JR, Jr: Do you still hold a grudge against Bob Ryder? I remember you two had quite a rivalry going on there.

Sir William Goldberg: Let me tell you something about that prick. He'll never have my fame. He'll never be able to put a crease in the name "Goldberg." He's just a fucking nobody who reports on the Internet. I shave my head bald. He doesn't. Is he even married? I think it's awfully sad that a 40-something year old man is hanging around wrestlers most of the time. It wouldn't surprise me if he was queer.

JR, Jr: So, um... that Judy Bagwell sure is a hoss, isn't she?

Sir William Goldberg: What's a hoss?

This is ends Part One. Part Two coming Monday... If I actually find time to type it up.

J.R., Jr.
The Best Damn Columnist on the Damn Internet