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Butch Rosser




For those of you wondering what the low unholy hell I'm doing, these are the Rosser Pop Culture Year-End Achivement Awards. Yes, it's the RPCAs. This is the inagural year of the RPCA's, run, aided, abetted, and produced by yours truly--otherwise, they wouldn't be mine, right? Loads of awards, loads of results. Thanks to the Oracles, the other JLH, BOOOON, and all the rest, and especially YOU for clicking the link--even more so if you sent me an e-mail about how I am your new god or how I should (and undoubtedly will) burn for all eternity. Let's get crackin'!


Fred Durst: Keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Al Gore: I can't believe I lost to this moron.
George W. Bush: I'm going to be Prez-O-Dent!
Eminem: Fuck you! unlessyouboughtmyalbum
Lars Ulrich: Let them eat cake.
Edge: I don't know what this geekazoid thinks he's doing.
Christian: Totally. I mean, parodying Web events is Steve Schroeder's thing. He SO rules!
Edge: But since we're here, for the benefit of those with web technology, a patented five-second pose!
Christian: We call this one the Rosser.
Edge & Christian proceed to sit on invisible chairs and type while crying and saying their life sucks ass.
Don Henley: It was a pretty big year for fashion. A lousy year for rock and roll.

Best Anything
1) Napster enriches my life
2) Free illegal Maxim subscription REALLY enriches my life
3) Oracle of Delphidom is appointed me.

What can I say? I like music of all sorts, and legality aside, having a couple days worth of various cool songs is a Good Thing. Also, I should probably feel some major guilt about this free Maxim subscription, but with my dwindling faith in humanity, screw it. And becoming an OoD has been pretty much a cool ride since joining seven months previous. Sadly, no one is going to hate me, it looks like. Also coming in close was my OWF World Championship win, getting drunk and breakdancing, setting up my best friend with his girlfriend, and finally leaving community college.

Best Tag Team
1) Jennifer Love Hewitt
2) Jessica Alba
3) Hattori & Fukui

Ah, JLH will always have a stranglehold on this. Least until she gets into her 30's. Jessica Alba went from the outer fringes of my mind to keeping me awake during English class. And what more can you say about the two guys who make Iron Chef the well-oiled machine it is week in and week out? Their wacky overdubbing and commentary always make me smile or think. Also receiving votes: the York Express, Edge & Christian, Florida State kickers and sucking, Jim Ross and hyperbole.

Best Heel
1) Jesus
2) Christ
3) Matt Crawford

So I'm waiting around New Year's, and I think, hey, maybe we'll get an Apocalypse, or at least a decent riot and I can get a new stereo system. And then it happened, and jack squat. Talking about living off of past accomplishments and the name! Christ went from being a funny dick to just being a dick, though I still enjoy his RAW recaps. Martin should kill Crawford or at least keep him from breeding.

Best Babyface
1) David Letterman
2) Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
3) Tanvir Raquib

The Man suffered a huge heart attack and five weeks later was back on the job. And I'll tell ya, it's the best I've seen him. He's loosened up a lot and gone from comedy star to Demigod Of Eternity. Send all them dissenting opinions to Triumph had the funniest bit on the Reiner roast and horrified Kathie Lee Gifford and had the catchphrase of late night. Add that to the fact that, y'know, he's not real and it was a damn good year for him. And I finally found someone else who hates Whitey with fervor. Plus, he posts in my forum and recaps shows far beneath his talent. All hail the Bengali Heat! Sadly, Nathan Loney, Kingmob, and Johnny B just missed the cutoff, as did Shawn Colton, some Roberto Harris, and Lewis Black.

Best Worker
1) Mom
2) Dad
3) TAJ!R!

Kudos to my mom for working her way through a mid-major health problem and telling it to get in the kitchen and make it a samich. Dad rocks for having to get up at 4 AM on occasion and still have enough strength to hand me money. Tajiri is the motherfucking shit, for all y'all who didn't know.

Best Jobber
1) Jay Leno
2) East Coast weather this time of year
3) Josh Haggard

Look, it's not a personal thing. And I know the ratings say he's better. But there is no way Leno is going to have Letterman's lasting impact or coolness. He's FAR too much of a kiss-ass with a non-existent edge. Lemme see: I walked outside in shorts yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and I wasn't on a suicide mission. How about you? And Josh? Mikey Whipwreck called, he wants his old gimmick back.

Best Jobber to the Stars
1) The American people
2) The American people
3) The American people

Florida. Survivor. Christina Aguilera. You want I should keep going?

Best Flyer
1) Vince Carter
2) Firestone tires
3) Chen's pan-to-the-floor flip

Let me just say this: Vince Carter did for aerial wizadry throught the year and ESPECIALLY during the Slam Dunk Contest what Trish did for Billy Gunn's old tights. And the pan-to-the-floor flip, though only done once, was a moment of supreme coolness.

Best Technical
1) Bobby Knight
2) Edge & Christian's shooting
3) Octagon

Bobby pretty much gets a lifetime achivement for this one. E & C beith the shit and were kind enough to show up in the general comments section, and everytime I watched my lucha, the announcers and crowd alike loved the masked sensation.

Best Brawler
1) Puff Daddy
2) Bill Clinton
3) Whitney Houston

Sean Combs pretty much had every guy in America after his woman's sweet ass; no wonder he packed heat. Clinton took down those filthy Republicans and won the hearts of nearly every rapper who stated Big Billy Style just liked to crush a lot. And don't you try to take the pipe out of Whitney's hands, she'll go after you.

Most Improved
1) Maxim
2) Internet service
3) Hole

Bigger, stronger, better. If only I can gain employment with them, I should be a happy man. No internet service to the jacked-up cable modem was sweet. And "Celebrity Skin" I found vastly underrated; there's this beautiful ballad "Dying" on there that touched me to the core of my being. (Ha ha, you're gay - CRZ)

Most Overrated
1) Papa Roach
2) Carson Daly
3) Limp Bizkit

Which makes it official: TRL is the motherfucking Anti-Christ. OK, first of all, just because your parents broke up and you live in the suburbs doesn't justify you making a damn album out of it. The only reason I dropped Daly a spot this year is JLH finally snapped to her senses and dropped his ass--however, the fact he found a different hot actress is the sort of thing that keeps my stomach lining swimming in alcohol and awake at night. And as if "Rollin'" is a billionth of the Undertaker's theme music that the organ was. Die, Fred Durst, die.

Best Gimmick
1) David Letterman as Alistar Scrooge
2) Chen Kenichi as lovable moron who can cook
3) Spike as lovesick former immortal

When David went down, he was still decent, but everyone had just kinda forgotten about him. He came back sharper, funnier, and whatever plagued him before hasn't been seen since. The result? A better show all around, especially when things aren't working. The fact that they seem to have Forrest Gump's retard brother voicing Chen is somewhat apropro, especially when you consider that Chen's got the best facial reactions to ingredients by a long mile out of all the IC's (I swear I thought some of those had just been made up by the movies). And poor Spike. He can't kill, he hates everyone, and he's in serious lust with his biggest rival. Sometimes, he just speaks to me on an elemental level.

Best Move
1) Jericho doing the Scary Monster
2) Me to SDSU
3) Jennifer Love Hewitt

Seriously, long before Jerry's Kid was doing it down the ramp, Jericho busted out the Thriller moves and it was a pretty cool mark-out moment for me. I finally went to a real college with hot women and people who actually read my damn articles. And there's bowling AND BEER! on campus, how can you go wrong? JLH gets 3rd for just being her. Please, please, PLEASE do another Maxim shoot. I misplaced the last one.

Best Match
1) RHCP & STP concert
2) Selma Blair & Sarah Michelle Gellar
3) Kaientai & overdubbing

Highlight of my year was that concert. It kicked more ass than should be legally allowed, plus there was a lot of plot. I can't hear Blur's "Coffee And T.V." without getting a semi anymore. And even though it's only happened twice, I still laughed so hard I cried legit the first time I saw it. Any TV time for Taka is GOOD TV time.

Best Feud
1) Eminem vs. anything that didn't like him
2) Tiger Woods vs. every other golfer EVER
3) Tanvir v. Whitey

Why? Because I too hate everything that doesn't like me. I just can't rhyme or get the accolades--yet. Tiger Woods made me care a little about golf instead of instantly flipping it, and he's just too damn cool for school, he is. Triple H pretty much stole his gimmick. And Tanvir v. Whitey, just because it's good to root for the underdog.

Worst Pair
1) Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas
2) Me & maturation into "Crazy Snake Man"
3) Mae Young

In order: fucking creepy, fucking pathetic, and GOOD GOD BURN IT SEND IT TO HELL.

Worst Heel
1) John Travolta, "Battlefield Earth"
2) preachy Christians on campus
3) Jehovah's Witnesses

GOOD GOD. John, you can say no to things. And as for the last two--I'm going to hell. I curse, I covet other people's wifes, and I write porn. That's not "I don't like you" heat, that's "Shut the fuck up, leave me alone, get off my doorstep and let me burn" heat.

Worst Face
1) Christina Aguilera
2) Elektra
3) Elvis Grbac

Christina reminds me of every wannabe Cholla I knew in the hood growing up, plus that base has got to be 96% semen by now what with all the head she gives. Elektra got a "She's My Grandma" chant. Enough said. Elvis Grbac looked like the Wolfman and threw like a pup.

Worst Worker
1) My 12-year-old brother Quay
2) X-Pac
3) Kevin Nash

Name three lazy asses that refuse to do a job anywhere EVER.

Least Favorite
1) Lars Ulrich
2) Politicans
3) NBC

The rich get richer, the greedy get greedier and manage to interrupt all the cool shows, and they canceled "Freaks And Geeks". Congrats to the lot of you pigfuckers. Now go ream a cactus.

Most Deteriorated
1) "The Simpsons"
2) "Saturday Night Live"
3) My radio

Two great giants that have fallen on seriously hard times. And to quote Buck O Nine, "What happened to my radio? It used to be cool, but now it just blows."

Most Underrated
1) Shawn Colton
2) Radiohead
3) Old 97's

Shawn gives me a forum to do whip-ass things such as this and remarkably has NO EGO WHATSOEVER. Combined amount of times I heard new Radiohead and Old 97's songs in San Diego this year: 18. Radio here can continue to suck a fat dick.

Worst Gimmick
1) America: Land Of The Idiots
2) Mike Awesome: The Fat Chick Thriller
3) Mike Awesome: That 70's Guy

Seriously. He should've stayed and hung to Paul E's. bankrupt ass for dear life. You realize if we hadn't produced so much commercial cheese crap in every way, shape, and form this year, he'd probably be ALL of the top 3?

Worst Move
1) Me thinking I could stand after 10 shots of Grey Goose vodka
2) Drunkenly hitting on my best friend's underage sister
3) Lars decides he needs a platinum tinted Lexus to seperate him from common folk

Good news: #1 and #2 are not related. Sadly, it appears I'm a alcoholic or a country music song waiting to happen. As for #2...well, I'd like to promise it won't happen again, but then by the same token, shouldn't she have not grabbed my ass? As for Ul-RICH banning me and making me the epitome of Public Enemy, it's times like this I wish I knew New Jack.

Worst Feud
1) Gore v. Bush
2) Robert Downey Jr v. Sobriety
3) Lance Storm v. Hilarity

You know, at first we were merely annoyed. Then we wanted them dead, dead, dead. I'm talking DEAD, folks. Steph Bear forum dead. Poor Robert Downey. Somewhere Grandmaster Flash is getting more money, though, and that can't be all bad. It wouldn't surprise me to find out Lance is still a virgin. He just has that look about him, you know what I mean, Vern?

Most Disappointing News item
1) No rioting after the election is settled
2) Rage Against the Machine breaks up
3) Pop music still reigns on the charts

It's been almost TEN WHOLE YEARS! If not now people, WHEN?! Jesus H. Benoit, the politcal system and lawyers just say "Grab your ankles" and we hand them the Vasoline? BAH, FEH, and FUCK YOU KATHERINE HARRIS. And just when it seemed a voice was coming out and getting some publicity, RATM breaks up. Not only that, I'm forced to agree with Carson fucking Daly. You can't see it, but I'm shaking like Lew Black after a hoggle of coffee. And God! Could we have MORE Abercrombie & Fitch models harmonizing? No wonder my mom listens to the old school station exclusively.

Most Obnoxious
1) Matt Crawford
2) Mormons
3) Kishi

Crawford, for doing the Freddy Krueger bit without the entertainment; Mormons, for taking my writing WAY too seriously, and Kishi, who may never pick an Iron Chef over a challenger and insists on dicking Morimoto every single time just because he has the balls to try new things.

Best Second
1) Avenue
2) Austin Powers
3) Trish Stratus

A great place to take an early-morning walk in my town on the way to a great newsstand, which is next door to a place with great donuts. I liked Mini-Me, blow it out your ass. And Trish? Do the words GITCHY GITCHY YA YA DA DA mean anything to you?

Best Announcer
1) Alan Kalter
2) Joel Goddard
3) Rod Roddie

Alan actually made "Who Let The Dogs Out?" funny for 2 minutes, 5 days a week, for a couple of months. That's impressive. Joel's I'm-about-to-snap-and-I'm-a-freak thing is beautiful, it's a shame he doesn't get more airtime. And Rod gets in simply for being Rod (i.e. flamboyantly gay).

Best Colour
1) Orange
2) Teal
3) Red

Pretty self-explanatory.

Best Interviewee
1) Chris Rock
2) Joe Levy
3) Janeane Garafolo

Chris gets #1 for getting away with saying nigger a whole bunch on Conan and generally being himself. Joe Levy is the guy from Rolling Stone who's been doing stuff for music year in review recaps, funny and smart, doesn't take himself or his gig too seriously. I just love Janeane. That is all. Boy, once I re-enact Weird Science, I'm giving mine her brains and Trish's body--and then I will never leave the house again.

Best Angle
1) Kurt
2) The whole Y2K hoax
3) The Chargers bumble their way into local infamy

Hey, the man had the year of all years. The top 3 titles, the reigning KotR, and the master of cheap heat. What's the best joke to play on a paranoid person? No joke at all. And the Chargers, those wacky Chargers. Anger gave way to confusion, which beget, anger, more anger, more confusion, empathy, hilarity, and after barely winning and then being made to toss the NFL's salad, disgust. They couldn't even get losing right.

Best Organization
2) Comedy Central
3) Fox Family Channel

ESPN, for being highly cool and having those great "This Is SportsCenter" commercials. ComCen gets in for continuing "The Man Show", showing great Who's Line Is It Anyway?, the awesometude that is "Battlebots" (did I mention the best Florida parody with that one 'South Park'?) and bringing back "Sports Night". FFC got "Freaks & Geeks" back on the air--could you maybe NOT schedule it against Buffy & Dark Angel next time?

Best TV Show
1) "Iron Chef"
2) "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
3) "Freaks & Geeks"

So, here's what happened: two shows worked their way into my heart this year disposing of some old-timers. A shame F & G got murdalized by the fucking Peacock, it made me laugh, it made me think, it was "The Wonder Years" with some balls behind it. Buffy had another quality year, and the recent removal of Riley (with an easy-open window for sweeps!) should let it get back to the secondary character talent it shows and the life on multiple levels thought Whedon is so good at doing. And for those who've seen Iron Chef, no explanation is necessary, for those who don't, no explanation will suffice.

Best Major Show
1) "Hush" from Buffy
2) New York Battle from Iron Chef
3) Homer rocks out with the Who on "The Simpsons"

What do you MEAN they don't talk for half the fucking show?! was my reaction. Boy, was I wrong. Seeing how much we need words to communicate and the importance behind not just what we say but how we say it was revolutionary. Plus, SMG had on some slamming outfits, and that can't be all bad. The New York battle brought the Ohta faction craziness and turned it up to 11. The fact Morimoto was getting the babyface pops and channeled Hulkamania--oh, just call me Fatboy Slim, I was fucking in heaven. Snip out the cute little kid crap and the race is even closer. And Homer's always good for at least one fall-off-the-bed moment a year--that was it.

Best Promotional Move
1) Bud Light: WASSSSSSSSUP?!
2) The Daily Show: Indecision 2000
3) (tie) Snicker's Panda commercial/that spray that gets rid of wrinkles

It crossed over to the Dudleys and I bought a shirt with it. Would've been annoying except for the mastery that was the Wasabi commercial. Jon Stewart's tag line went from good for a chuckle to eerily prescient. The "pretty pretty DANCING!" thing is going to be on TV Land when we're old and gray, and a spray that gets rid of wrinkles---what more need be said than "Spray, tug, and smooth"? Truly a wonderous age we live in.

Worst Second
1) Place
2) "The X Files"
3) MTV2

Losing sucks. And didn't Carter just paint himself into the "Two Darrins" corner by scrapping Duchovny instead of just killing the show. MTV2 should be MTV1 since they SHOW VIDEOS AND SHIT, but no one gets it. Pity.

Worst Announcer
1) David McLane
2) Mark Madden
3) The PA for the Chargers

The first two just suck blue whale and manage to annoy me. As for the third, the Chargers sucked hard and screwed up and this guy had NO EMOTION WHATSOEVER. I realize you can't exactly curse, but give me resignation, give me hatred, give me SOMETHING for Christ's sake!

Worst Colour
1) Magenta
2) Chartruese
3) Boise State's football field

The first two are SO Tan America. As for the last--football was not meant to be played on a neon blue field. I'll repeat: neon BLUE. My eyes, my sensibilities.

Worst Interviewee
1) Lars Ulrich
2) Liam Gallagher
3) Al Gore

Three self-indulgent assholes. One who stole what I rightfully pilfered, one who's unintelligible even by "Louie, Louie" standards, and the man who sold the world. Wankers all.

Worst Angle
1) Eric
2) The millennium debate
3) TRL as the pulse of a generation

Two chokeslams and a Last Ride and you're gone? PUSSY. And what the fuck do you care if it's this year or next year? It's NEW YEAR'S--you get drunk and pray you don't roll over onto a farm animal come the next morning. Yeah, and it ain't my generation--that's the pulse of 10-year-old girls. Haven't even seen Outkast on once. Why don't all you go f-f-f-f-f-f-f-FUCK off?

Worst Organization
1) Electoral College
2) National Organization for Women
3) Christian Coalition

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, smarks of all ages, the Butchster proudly brings to you, the 3 biggest names that can New Jack SWING on my NUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....

Worst TV Show
1) TRL
2) NBC, Thursdays, 8:30
3) Meet The Press

These are pretty easy to figure. I will add Meet The Press is the bizarro world McLaughlin Group sans the cool JACK GERMOND!s.

Worst Promotional Move
1) Friday Night Thrill Zone
2) TNN: We've Got Pop
3) WCW, every pay per view

Let me say this: I'm seeing promos for ECW on Friday nights NOW. What if I wasn't watching the Dixie Chicks concert, huh? Then what? We've got pop is just unspeakably lame-ass, and "we have to see it ourselves to believe it"? No, we don't! Opening cruiserweight curtain jerker that's going to rule and then the rest of it is a big honking bunch of ASS.

Butch Rosser
Supreme Overlord for Life, Future Husbands of Jennifer Love Hewitt
Intern, Owen Hart Preservation Society

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission