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Matt Spaulding



Crystal Balls the Size of Grapefruits

THE PEOPLE'S MAILBAG: Since everybody rightfully panned the Arquette catastrophe, I wondered when the last time the Internet wrestling fans had all come together on something. The answer, as Shot2Hell pointed out, was right under my nose:

But as for that bit about the last time the Internet wrestling community agreed on something that fully, I'd have to say it was probably a few months ago, during the awards, as Hogan blew out all comers for his what, 7th Worst Wrestler award in a row?

Sixth, actually. And I thought it was odd that I forgot all about this, until I found my ballot and saw that I voted for Eric Watts.

LINE OF THE WEEK: Edge: "So we're down here to do a little in-depth research and analysis, to get a closer look; and, to be completely honest with you, probably do a run-in." (Raw, May 1) The Toronto Shooters strike again. Whoever's writing this stuff deserves a raise.

And while we're discussing E&C: Not to sound like I'm trying to put myself over, but is somebody with stroke reading this? Right after You Know What, I suggested that they stop coming out through the crowd and that they combine both guys' TitanTron videos. That's what we saw on Monday. Weird.

LASH BACK: Rebounded nicely from Spring Stampede (but really, how could I not?) with a five for eight, which isn't too bad. I didn't think they'd do a Malenko-Scotty rematch so soon, though. And I TOLD you Austin wasn't turning.

Just a couple quick notes from the WWF before I get on with Slamboree:

What to do with the WWF's tag team division? The Toronto Shooters said there's no competition for them as far as they can see. But they seem to be enjoying messing with the Dudleys, and, by extension, breaking the third Dudley Demandment. So I guess we can write that feud in.

The rest of the division appears to be in a state of flux, as face/heel lines are being crossed and blurred left and right. As faces, we have the Hardyz, Too Cool, the APA (since their clientele consists mostly of faces), and (I guess) the Dudleys. The heel teams are Road Dogg & X-Pac, Boss Man & Buchanan, and (I think) the Shooters and T&A.

I'd pair the Hardyz off with DX and put them over, since they never won the blowoff during that mini-program back in December, while T&A would feud with Too Cool (who would be a good choice if you're looking for a team to upset the Shooters in a hot-shot down the line).

I find it interesting that Chris Jericho won the Intercontinental belt back on SmackDown! (which I haven't actually seen yet... see, it was supposed to come on after the Flyers-Penguins game, but that didn't end until 2:30 this morning. PRIMEAU~! Wait a second... what am I doing? I don't even like hockey.)

As I was saying... could this title switch be a device to get it off of Benoit so he can eventually go on to a feud with, say... the Rock? If that's the case, run with it for King of the Ring, since it looks like we'll have a Rock-HHH rematch at Judgment Day. But after that, I'd get Triple H away from Rocky for a while so that the feud doesn't get stale, and so Rock can have a decent run as champion, hopefully doing for the belt and his challengers what HHH was able to do during his run. I imagine this won't be too hard, as Rocky's a better worker than HHH anyway.


I guess at this point I should at least try to have some fun with these.

Cruiserweight Championship Match: Chris Candido Holly (w/Tammy) vs. The Artist Currently Known As Still Biting The Big One (w/Paisley)

Why, oh WHY is The Artist still in the mix for this belt? What deity have we offended? Sullivan's gone; we don't need to push his untalented, heat-less ass anymore. TAFKAPI misses his finisher again, and the third Holly cousin keeps the belt.

The REAL Franchise vs. Vampiro Jobs Again

I just gave it away, didn't I?

I'm betting that Vamp will ask for his release again in 15 weeks. We will accept any and all wagers at 0000,0000, beginning 30 minutes after the conclusion of this match. Rules and regulations will be forthcoming as soon as I make some up.

Raw Meat vs. Curt Hennig

The story here? The NeW blOod has given Shawn Stasiak Hennig's old WWF "Mr. Perfect" gimmick (complete with gum swat), only he calls himself "The Perfect One." Hennig, understandably, is highly pissed. So pissed, in fact, that he should destroy Stasiak.

The Transition Player Shane Douglas vs. Ric Flair (If Vince Russo, Idiot But Not Savant interferes in the match, then Flair gets five minutes alone with Russo after the match)

Hey, let's take only five weeks to blow off a seven-year-long feud that maybe 20 people know the story behind! Hey, it's one of the head writers! Hey, he's a key ingredient in a high-profile match on a PPV card! Hey, Flair's gonna kick his ass right after he kicks Douglas's! Especially since right now, Flair's in line for a title shot at Great American Bash, and a loss here would just suck.

Hardcore Title Match: Terry "What do you MEAN, I'm not dead yet" =46unk vs. Screamin' (Because My Gimmick Sucks) Norman Smiley & Mystery Partner

Let me see if I've got this straight. It's apparently a handicap match under Hardcore rules, so if Smiley and his partner win, who's the damn champion? I say the mystery partner is the useless Dustin Rhodes, and he helps Norman win because a) he doesn't like Terry Funk; and b) and most importantly, Russo will do anything to saddle Smiley with that lame Hardcore belt.

United States Heavyweight Title Match: The Pumpster vs. Hugh Morrus

What does it say about your organization when Scott Steiner holds your most respected belt? What does it say about the desperation level of your fan base when some people actually think he'd be a good choice as world champion?

Morrus is here because he (with Jeff Jarrett's help) pinned Steiner in a triple threat match on Nitro, and because Booker was injured taking a powerbomb last week. I figured there was no way WCW would do the smart thing here and give Booker the strap, and there's really no reason for Morrus to go over. Expect a Pump squash.

"Buff" Bagwell vs. The "Total" Package

I know this is an offshoot of the tag title match at Spring Stampede, but it's hard for me to get excited about this one. It's not like either man is particularly good, or they're fighting over Liz or anything. Since Flair went over Douglas earlier, I'm going to say that Bagwell gets the win here. Plus, I don't want to have to see the Torture Me With the Worst Move in Wrestling Rack again.

Mike Adequate vs. Chris Kanyon

Where the hell has Kanyon been for the past six months? And why are these guys fighting? It'll be a good match if they actually let them HAVE A MATCH, but why are they fighting? Huh? Answer me! I'd rather have one of these guys against Steiner for the U.S. belt.

This isn't a good situation for WCW, which risks burying one of these guys depending on who wins. Anybody else smell a screwjob? I'd book this as a DQ win for Kanyon when Kevin Nash runs in and punks out Awesome, but Awesome will likely go over since he's the one getting the "push" and all, and Kanyon can always leech heat from Page. (Aside: Why is Kanyon, of all people, aligned with Page and the Millionaires' Club? Other than Booker, he's probably the most talented guy on their roster who hasn't gotten a fair shake.)

Hulk "But I ALREADY Jobbed This Year" Hogan vs. Flea Market Champion Billy Kid Man (w/Torrie the Fembot and Special Referee "The One-Hit Wonder" Eric Bischoff)

Latest rumor is that this is going to be Your Main Event because Hogan dies a little bit inside every month he doesn't main-event a pay-per-view.

Given everything that's happened in WCW in the last year-plus, everything that's been said about why WCW has fallen into the crapper, and all the talk about who's ultimately responsible, I don't think it would be unreasonable to say that the outcome of this match will tell the tale of what direction this fed is headed in.

That said, Hogan wins when Bischoff turns on Kidman, and, by extension, the rest of the NeW blOod. You don't really expect any other result, do you? And if the unthinkable happens and Kidman wins clean, I'll give you all a dollar.

WCW World "Title" Match: The Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All Time vs. Cubic Zirconia Dallas Page vs. Some Scrawny, Talentless Hack in a Triple Cage Match

Now in this match, we have two guys who, thanks to the inept booking and talent mismanagement of the last three creative teams, are top contenders for the World title practically by default. And the champion is, as our own Butch Rosser so eloquently put it, "100 pounds soaking wet and got to be a B-list celebrity by making annoying commercials and marrying a hot chick who can act." The match is for a title that's been completely devalued to the point where it's now worth less, from a prestige standpoint, than a Bolt Thrower CD. And the gimmick is a three-layer cage, which was ripped off from a universally panned movie that nobody saw. Mmmmm... smell that buyrate. And it may not even be the main f'n event.

The winner of this match will find his name written below David Arquette's in the WCW record books.

Just want you all to realize that.

Neither of the Big Two has had much success with multiple cage matches. (Kennel in a Cell, anyone? I thought not.) I still think there's a way that the multiple cage gimmick can work, and this might be it.

Hopefully, WCW is smart enough to not let Arquette win. My hunch is they'll go with Page, since they clearly think so highly of Jarrett that they took the belt off of him after eight days.

Small Packages:

  • As I watch the Big Game lottery jackpot clear $200 million, I wonder what the selling price for WCW would be. Hypothetically, of course.

    Tank Abbott! You just got punked out by DDP and David Arquette! What are you gonna do now?

  • Speaking of those two, who's the luckier SOB: Arquette or Page?

  • Aren't we overdue for a WWF Women's Title defense?

  • In case you missed it, Our Champion turned 28 (!) this week.

  • Things must be bad in WCW... looking at the May schedule, they can hardly get into any real cities. Lafayette, Louisiana? Saginaw, Michigan? These cities have arenas?

  • Is there old WCW heat between Jericho and X-Pac? Four matches, four screwjobs.

  • "Misfits In Action." Three of these men deserve better. I leave it to you to figure out who.

  • Who exactly are WCW's tag team champions? Was that match on Thud-ner a title match or not?

  • Let the ECW nicknaming begin: Jason "The Fugitive" turned himself in to police in New York last weekend. Outstanding bench warrant for a DUI was cited as the reason.

    NEXT WEEK: An honest-to-god preview of an ECW PPV? You're kidding, right? Nope, it's true... it's true. I'll have (some) Hardcore Heaven predictions, as well as some thoughts on ECW in general and whatever happens after Slamboree.

    And tell me if you like the nickname thing, or feel free to suggest some others.

    Matt Spaulding

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