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Matt Spaulding



This is a Test

OKAY, I'LL BITE: What's with all of the Rantsylvania logos? (The WHAT? ;) - CRZ)

LINE OF THE WEEK: Actually, a sign, from Raw (Sept. 11): "Where's Mark Henry?" Call the Big Show - he'll find out for you.

Honorable mention to Gene Okerlund: "Blow it out your ass! I play golf!" (Thunder, Sept. 13)

Pop quiz, hotshot.

You're the head booker of a major North American wrestling promotion. You've just come off of a poorly-received pay-per-view where you had a World title match and a semi-main event that determined the No. 1 Contender for the World title at the next pay-per-view. Now you have to script a card for that pay-per-view and build interest in the matches. You have five weeks to accomplish this.

What do you do?

  1. Take six guys fresh out of your training camp and put them in a stable together. Have them beat down the same guy every week. Have them beat up their instructor. Then put them in a PPV match with a completely different group of wrestlers.

  2. Continue a feud from the previous PPV without defining the heel/face lines. Have both men involved act like total jerks. Make the next match in the series a potentially dangerous gimmick match, and put an untrained former fitness model in the match one week before the show.

  3. Hot-shot a title change in mid-feud.

  4. Have a multiple champion hand over one of his titles to an unproven wrestler, then have the new champion enter a sort-of feud with an equally green opponent with a moronic gimmick.

  5. Saddle one of your most promising midcarders with stupid gimmick after stupid gimmick. Put him in a feud with a former world champion who has no heat.

  6. Bring back a tag team that no one has ever cared about. Have them cost the champions their titles for no apparent reason. Then book the two teams in a gimmick match.

  7. Continue a "shoot" feud from a month ago that no one cared about when it started. Involve a vengeful third party who will probably never even wrestle again.

  8. Kill one of your top heel's heat at the last PPV, then put him in a feud with the leader of a stable of mostly talented wrestlers saddled with a bad gimmick with no heat. Involve their average-looking valet.

  9. Take one of your most popular performers ever and put him in a never-ending feud against a young wrestler who hasn't pinned anybody since Bischoff was in charge. Add a deteriorating legend, the smoldering remains of a cross-promotional disaster, and an overrated rap group. Stir.
Now find the match that goes with each of these scenarios. Answers are at the very end of the column. No peeking.


10-Man Tag Team Elimination Match: The Filthy Animals and Big Vittles (w/Tygress) vs. Natural Born Heat Killers

The Thrillers and the Animals have been having problems since the Thrillers were born. The group's newest member, Johnny the Bull, is back from injury to settle an old issue with Big Vito (attacking him in what was billed as a Shocking Swerve despite the fact that these two were ALREADY FIGHTING when Johnny got hurt), thus, Vito's inclusion in the match.

The Animals' team will be Rey, Juvi, Disco, Vito, and probably Konnan, since it'll be easier to protect him in a tag match. But which Thrillers are going to be in this match? Stasiak's still hurt.=20 Johnny's in because of Vito. Figure leader Mike Sanders will be in, as well as Jindrak and O'Haire. That leaves either Reno or Palumbo, and I'd rather see Reno, but that's just me.

What I'd Do: Thrillers need a good showing, but they shouldn't win. Two Animals survive.

What They'll Do: Thrillers go over, setting up a feud over the tag titles.

Cruiserweight "Title" Match: "Prime Time" Elix Skipper vs. Kwee Wee (w/Paisley)

I seem to remember an Elix Skipper/Allen Funk match on the old WCW Saturday Night about eight months ago. I remember liking it. For some reason, I don't see myself liking this match nearly as much.

Kwee Wee is arguably the worst gimmick of the year. What's it even supposed to be?

What I'd Do: Put Skipper over and find some competition.

What They'll Do: They've painted themselves into a corner by renaming it the 100-Kilos & Under Title, so Skipper has to retain by default.

Mixed Tag Team Pittsburgh Plunge Scaffold Match: The Transition Player Shane Douglas and Torrie the Fembot vs. Billy Kid Man and Madusa

Hey, Douglas. Why would you name a scaffold match after a suplex finisher that you don't even use anymore?

Kidman suffered a throat injury at the New Blood Rising strap match these two had, and just returned this week.

Madusa's mad at Torrie because she's been being bratty during her training at the Power Plant.

I'll ask again: Who the hell's the FACE?

What I'd Do: I probably wouldn't even have this match, and I definitely wouldn't have Torrie and Madusa in it. I actually thought Kidman would be out through this show and wouldn't be able to work the match, so they'd put Crowbar into this spot and have him win.

What They'll Do: Since Kidman's getting this Big Push and all, I think they'll have Douglas win again.

Chain Match: Ckchronniychkk vs. The D.O.A. Brothers

The only way you're getting me to go in-depth into this crapfest is if you chain me to my desk. And the only way you're getting me to watch it is if you chain me to the couch.

What I'd Do: Have Kronic squash these fools.

What They'll Do: Russo likes the Harrises for some reason, so expect them to go over.

Can-Am Title Match (with Major Gunns also on the line): Kurt Angle, Only With Less Heat vs. General Hugh Morrus

The Misfits In Action declared "war" on Team Canada after New Blood Rising. Team Canada beat the MIA in a tag match and took Major Gunns as a "prisoner of war." This match is for her and the belt.

What I'd Do: Storm keeps the title, but Gunns escapes and rejoins the MIA.

What They'll Do: That, probably.

Bunkhouse Brawl: The Greatest Intercontinental Champion Of All Time vs. Mike Adequate

I think this started when Awesome ran out to help Booker overcome a Jarrett beatdown. I honestly don't remember.

Awesome's WCW career continues to be ruined with this new "That 70's Guy" gimmick, which isn't that good to begin with, but it's even worse on him.

It's a must-win match for both guys. What are Bunkhouse Brawl rules again?

What I'd Do: Somebody has to win, and that somebody should be Awesome.

What They'll Do: I have no idea. Probably put Awesome over.

Three-Way Dance: The REAL Franchise vs. The Original Green Mist-Spraying Freak vs. Vampiro Jobs Again

Vamp and Muta were tag champs for about 23 hours and 10 minutes after NBR. Demon turned on them in a Four Corners match, then disappeared. Then Muta sprayed one of the ICP with GREEN MIST~! when Sting moved out of the way. Vamp questioned Muta's loyalty to the Juggalo Nation, setting up this match.

What I'd Do: This needs to be ALL Sting, since it'd be moronic to job him the day before he gets a title shot.

What They'll Do: Sting will win, Vampiro will job, and it will last for more than 51 seconds.

No Holds Barred: Goldberg vs. The Pumpster


What I'd Do: Goldberg wins.

What They'll Do: Steiner wins after Bret Hart interferes.

World "Title" Cage Match: Booker T vs. Big But Not Particularly Sexy Kevin Nash

What I'd Do: T needs to KICK HIS ASS.

What They'll Do: How the hell is Nash going to lose the belt without jobbing in a cage match? Answer: He won't - he'll drop it to Sting on Monday after a Booker run-in.

Small Packages:

  • Vince Russo buried Ric Flair in Charlotte. He should burn in hell.

  • Lobster testicles?

  • Luke Johnston's right, you know. I know some of the Shooters - they've definitely got us beat in the "festering bitterness" department.

  • Yay! Test pinned Triple H!

  • Vince Russo buried Ric Flair in Charlotte. He should burn in hell.

  • Am I the only one hoping that Crowbar's the father of the baby?

  • Is Benoit getting a little cocky recently?

  • Hey, Bret: SHUT UP.

  • Vince Russo buried... ah, fuck it, you know the rest.

    Quiz Answers: Here's the order: 1, 4, 2, 6, 8, 5, 9, 7, 3. Now tell me this show isn't gonna suck big dogs.

    NEXT WEEK: Fall(Brawl)-out and an Unforgiven preview.

    Matt Spaulding

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