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Matt Spaulding




THE PEOPLE'S MAILBAG: Sam Batman said this about "The Quiz":

Very, very funny, and probably dead-on accurate. In the interests of fairness, though, have you done one of these (that's equally sarcastic) for the WWF?

No, I haven't. The only reason I wrote that one was because this card looked like a crapfest from word one. (Strange how it got mostly good reviews despite this.) And I've been doing this long enough now so that I can recognize that ahead of time. For example, I could never have written that for SuperBrawl, which will probably win all the major "worst PPV of the year" awards, only because that's about when I started.

And who said I was being sarcastic? :)

I mean, I'd LOVE to know why Kane is anywhere near a Fatal 4-Way title shot.

Well, read on, although it doesn't sound like you're going to like this one as much...

LINE OF THE WEEK: Kurt Angle (to HHH): "Hey, Hunter... once you catch your wind, ask your wife if I kiss like a pansy." (SmackDown!, Sept. 21) Given the circumstances, I probably would have said the same thing.

BRAWL OUT: My third straight 6 for 9. I'm in a GROOVE, yo.

First the Bills beat the Titans, then they beat up Jeff Jarrett. I'd say the Music City Miracle has been sufficiently avenged. ... So Sting pinned Muta. Whee. ... Nash bladed AND jobbed clean? The moon wasn't even full. My theory is that a deal was cut; Nash jobs clean, Scott Hall is let back in.

Even with the way wrestling has changed over the years, there are still universal truths. There are still constants. There are still things you just DON'T do. Turning Jim Duggan heel is one of these things.

Turning Steve Austin heel is not.

Don't think it can't be done, either, especially since one of the more popular suggestions is that the Rock be revealed as the driver. This would be fine, except that automatically makes Rock a heel, and heel Rock vs. face Austin has already been done. Here's how you get them to switch sides:

Austin's backstage at Unforgiven doing his investigation and getting nowhere when Shane McMahon tips him off that Rock was the driver. He storms out to the ring during the title match at a point where the Rock is outside the ring. Spin, gutshot, Stunner, walk away. Rock's left out cold as somebody else (doesn't matter who) wins the title in the ring.

Raw (on TNN) opens with Austin coming to the ring, running down the Rock, and calling him out. Rock is more than happy to oblige, since Austin cost him the title and all.

But here's the kicker: Rock's innocent. This HAS to be made obvious to the audience so that they'll buy into the Austin heel turn and boo him for setting his sights on the wrong man. Officially allying Shane with Austin will go a long way in this department.

We'll find out later that it's all part of a plot by Shane to eliminate the two men who have been the biggest problems for him and Vince by pitting them against each other. That ALSO has to be made obvious when it happens - that and the fact that Austin was duped.

Who was the actual driver?

It probably would have been Big Show, but that's out the window for the moment (although if he comes back, they could hold off on the revelation until he does), so I'm a little stumped here.

Billy Gunn was the obvious choice when it happened, and may still be the obvious choice now, but I don't think they'll go that way, and I wouldn't either. Kurt Angle? Don't think so. Mick Foley? You'd have to come up with one HELL of an explanation. Triple H? Nope - laws of physics, people; he couldn't have gotten to the opposite side of the garage that quickly.

How about Chris Jericho? An interesting choice, since a heel turn would probably get him to the top of the card faster the way things are now. Plus, he can go back to his "I have come to save the WWF" gimmick he did when he first arrived, which provides the motive... ridding the WWF of the "untalented, unentertaining, mediocre sports-entertainer" Austin would go a long way towards curing the WWF of its "ills." This revelation will end Austin-Rock, with Austin turning face; set up a Rock-Jericho feud and give us the only PPV main event-caliber money match we haven't had this year; and allow Austin to destroy Shane and chase Jericho for a while.


Eight-Man Tag Team Match: Right To Censor vs. The Acolytes & the Dudley Boyeeeez

The Acolytes and Duds faced each other at Unforgiven soon after the Dudleys jumped from ECW. They've had their problems in the past, but have recently become buddy-buddy. Both teams have been targeted by RTC in the past - you know, the whole drinking and putting people through tables thing - and they've been paired for this encounter.

What I'd Do: The faces could use the win...

What They'll Do: ...but they won't get it.

Intercontinental Title Match: Eddie Guer-rudo (w/Chyna, whether she likes it or not) vs. Rikishi

Eddie CHEATED TO WIN~! the IC belt a few weeks ago when he inserted himself into one of then-champ Chyna's title defenses and got the pin. Since then, he's been engaging in some top-shelf heel tactics and sweet talk to try to persuade Chyna to stay by his side. Chyna's had trouble reconciling her feelings for Eddie with... well... her feelings for Eddie. You know what I mean, right? Then she went and accepted his marriage proposal on SmackDown! What was up with that?

Rikishi has friends on Playboy security?

What I'd Do: Chyna turns on Eddie and allows Rikishi to win.

What They'll Do: Chyna goes heel and helps Eddie retain.

Chris Jericho vs. The Ladies Love to Hate X-Pac

These two also mixed it up at last year's Unforgiven in an impromptu match when Ken Shamrock (remember him?) was injured before he was scheduled to meet Jericho at that show. Recently, X-Pac and Jericho have gotten some vicious assaults in on each other.

Jericho has never pinned X-Pac since he arrived in the WWF. Ever.

What I'd Do: X-Pac jobs HARD. Jericho hasn't won on PPV since WM2000. That's a LONG time. Besides, if Nash can do it...

What They'll Do: Might Gunn show up here to begin getting revenge on DX for turfing him out? It's possible, since he's apparently out of the "Who ran over Austin?" mix for the moment. It won't be a clean finish, but I think Jericho takes this one.

Strap Match: The King (Who? What?) vs. The Comedic Wrecking Machine

It was about a year ago that we found out that Tazz was leaving ECW and coming to the WWF. If you had told me then that a year from now, he'd be feuding with Lawler, insulting the ring announcers, and generally being a hilarious nuisance, I'd be on the phone to the psych ward. Who knew Pete had it in him?

What I'd Do: Tazzmission with the strap. He needs to go over and move on to full-time wrestlers.

What They'll Do: What I just said, 'cause I told 'em to.

Hardcore Title Invitational: CRZ's Favorite Wrestler Ever vs. Perry Saturn vs. Test vs. The 24/7 Kid vs. TAKA vs. Funaki (or Al Snow?)

Blackman faces five former Hardcore champions for 10 minutes. This will work the same way that the Hardcore Battle Royal at WrestleMania 2000 did, where the last man to get the pin walked out the winner.

What I'd Do: Let Blackman end up keeping it. It works on him more so than any of these other guys.

What They'll Do: Blackman regains it at around the nine-minute mark, then kicks ass nonstop for 60 seconds to retain.

What They Won't Do: Screw up the finish, forcing a one-on-one match on Monday. See, the WWF LEARNS from its mistakes.

Tag Team Title Cage Match: Messrs. Photogenic vs. The Suicide Bombers

Edge & Christian surprised many (well, me, anyway) by retaining at SummerSlam in the Hardyz' backyard. Since then, they've gone out of their way to embarrass and humiliate the Hardyz at every turn. They've kept the titles by cheating like mofos, which will be next to impossible in the cage.

What I'd Do: The Hardyz haven't beaten these guys since the Infamous Ladder Match. That ends here.

What They'll Do: That.

The 3H Club (w/The Corporate Bitch) vs. Olympic Villain Kurt Angle (with Special Referee Mick Foley)

If you don't know the story behind this, what the hell are you reading this column for? Do you even WATCH wrestling? Do you know where you are?

What I'd Do: Angle needs to go over, or the feud ends rather abruptly. Foley doesn't turn on Triple H, but Steph does.

What They'll Do: Angle, screwy, when Stephanie turns.

Fatal Four-Way for the WWF Title: Our Champion vs. Big Red vs. Da Crip vs. The Undead American Badass

Now, for a far less intricate or emotional, but equally effective storyline.

Rock beat Benoit at Fully Loaded after Benoit appeared to have won the title by DQ. Kane turned on his brother when Big Show was busted down to the minors. Kane fought Rock the night after SummerSlam and lost because UT interfered. Benoit's still bitter about what happened at Fully Loaded.

One man wants to remain champion. Three men want to become champion. Sometimes, that's all you need.

Rock's beaten one and two challengers on the last two PPV's. I don't see him beating three.

This match is NOT elimination rules - I guess you could call it "Quadruple Threat" rules. Whatever, Rock doesn't have to be pinned to lose the belt. (And that makes me think of another reason people hate Triple Threat matches - by all rights, after SummerSlam, shouldn't THIS match be Rock-Angle?)

What I'd Do: You think I'm gonna say Rock again, don't you? HA! Pay attention! You should know I've been wanting to give Kane a shot with the belt for a while.

What They'll Do: My spider sense says Kane goes over. It also says that Raven (Location, location, location!) is revealed as the force behind Kane's recent actions.

Small Packages

  • What the hell happened to Midajah? Last time I saw her, she was, like, pretty and stuff.

  • And what the FUCK kind of name is Midajah for a white woman, anyway?

  • Mark Henry's lost 50 pounds. Good for him.

  • Am I the only one who finds Mike Tenay's attempts at asshole chauvinism laughable?

  • Hey, X-Pac: You're not Triple H. Put the shirt back on.

  • Has an accepted marriage proposal ever been so heavily booed?

  • So is Ross the #2 color guy, too?

  • Great, GREAT line by Angle to close SmackDown! Kudos to the staff.

  • Next week's SmackDown! is the season premiere? When did the FIRST season end?

    Next week, it's Anarchy Rulz week; I'll review the video game and preview the PPV. Not at the same time, of course; that'd be kind of pointless. As far as a sneak preview goes, one of them will suck. Matt Spaulding

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