Put A Lid On It
NOT THE END: 5 for 7. Am I actually getting GOOD at this?... Molly's cuter than Mona was. And I'm not sure what that means... Well, THAT was quick, and thankfully so... Damn it, the Dudleys should have won... Gunn's ALREADY tired? It's been five minutes... That entrance must be a lot bigger live if you can get a truck through it... AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, THAT CELL IS BROKEN IN HALF!
LINE OF THE WEEK: Kidman: "Those two work for sandwiches? They'll have a job with this company for life." (Nitro, Dec. 12) CRZ and Herb Kunze love shoot comments that aren't supposed to be shoot comments. Unless it was supposed to be a shoot comment, in which case forget I even brought it up.
Well, this Sunday is Starrcade. Traditionally, WCW's biggest PPV of the year. The "ultimate blowoff" show, if you will. So why is Scott Steiner-Sid the main event?
Because all of their other options have been exhausted. And it's WCW's own fault.
After last year's Starrcade, it looked as if this year's money match would be Bret Hart vs. Goldberg. But an errant Goldberg kick put Bret on the sidelines for good, and an ill-advised punch through a window shelved Goldberg long enough to kill any residual heat they'd have.
In February, Scott Steiner broke script, shot on Ric Flair, and got
suspended for two weeks.
April 10th rolled around, and we got the NeW blOod vs. Millionaires' Club angle where Sid was stripped of the title and promptly disappeared. That fizzled, as at one point, NONE of the Millionaires were on WCW TV. And it's not as if anything particularly compelling came out of that angle anyway - Sting/Vampiro? Whatever. Sting got hurt again, and Vampiro lost so many times he quit to play bass with ICP or something. Hogan/Kidman? Don't make me laugh. Jarrett/DDP? Don't make me cry.
Goldberg turned heel at Great American Bash with no viable babyfaces to oppose him, so there weren't any possibilities there. Bash at the Beach featured the Hogan work and the Booker T hotshot. New Blood Rising? It was supposed to be the payoff to the NeW blOod/Millionaires feud, but that didn't happen.
Fall Brawl gave us Booker/Nash and Steiner/Goldberg, which Goldberg lost, leading to the streak angle that's preventing the rematch from being held here, and Halloween Havoc brought us Booker/Steiner I with a lame-ass DQ finish, paving the way for Booker-Steiner II at Mayhem. Then CEO Flair brings Sid back (he must have found a fall softball league to play in) as Steiner's competition for Starrcade.
It's all they've got, yet it makes a little bit of sense as a main blowoff angle, because as Sid has said, he never lost the World title. Sure, he had it taken away from him three times, and it's now as valuable as those little plastic tables they put in pizza boxes, but damn it, HE WANTS IT BACK. But Steiner, who actually seems to be drawing ratings because he's being (gasp) pushed correctly, isn't giving it up.
PREDICTIONS FOR STARRCADE
This card has gotten MUCH hype. Too bad it blows.
Oh, and TWELVE people are turning.
Ambulance Match: Mike Adequate vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
The Ambulance Match is back! Okay, I'm calm again.
Awesome's still mad about getting punked out by Bigelow before their scheduled meeting at Mayhem. He even used the phrase "Career Killer", which can only lead to better things.
What I'd Do: Awesome wins, sheds the "70's Guy" gimmick, and starts to kick ass again.
What They'll Do: Awesome wins and... completes the sweep of the Triad. Wow.
Hardcore Title Match: Champagne Crowbar (w/Daffney) vs. And Featuring Terry Funk As Santa Claus
Terry Funk is still alive, you know. And I don't know what he's got against Crowbar, but he wants a Hardcore title match, so he's getting one.
What I'd Do: There's really no shame in losing to Funk, but Crowbar doesn't need to lose.
What They'll Do: They'd only wait until now to bring Funk back if he was winning, so he'll probably win.
Stacy Carter (w/Ms. Jones) vs. The Poor Man's Kurt Angle
This is the second Cat feud in a row that I have no idea why it exists.
There's dissension within Team Canada.
What I'd Do: Duggan completes his face turn and costs Storm the match.
What They'll Do: Duggan completes his face turn and costs Storm the match.
Triple Ladder Match; Winner Jobs To Chavo Junior On Nitro: 67% Count vs. Two Oriental Guys vs. The Jobbers They Both Turfed Out
The three cruiser teams that nobody cares about are at it again. This time it's a ladder match with a contract at the top. The winner is the wrestler who climbs up and gets it, and he also gets a shot at the Cruiserweight title on the following Nitro.
This IS a tag match, right?
There's dissension between Knoble and Karagias.
What I'd Do: Give the shot to Kaz Hayashi.
What They'll Do: I have a sinking feeling Karagias is going to win the match at Knoble's expense.
Kchkronniyckhk vs. Carson City & Big Vittles
Remember when Reno and Vito were arch rivals? Well, in an UNBELIEVABLY LAME development, after a conversation with Reno and Marie, Pamela Paulshock figured out that they were actually brothers. Sister Marie got them to put their differences aside after Kronik was hired to deal with Vito (or was it Reno? The mind boggles). Thus, this match.
There's dissension between Reno and the other Thrillers.
What I'd Do: Yawn and hope Vito and Reno split up again.
What They'll Do: Kronik wins when the Thrillers run in on Reno, turfing him out of the group.
U.S. "Title" Match: General Hugh Morrus vs. The Transition Player Shane Douglas (w/o Torrie the Fembot)
Douglas is pissed at WCW management for letting Torrie Wilson's contract expire, forcing the creative team to write her out of the storyline with an injury angle during a match between Douglas and Rection.
Okay, I made the first part up. What really happened is that Douglas thinks Rection injured Torrie on purpose. What that purpose could possibly be is a mystery to all.
There's dissension within the MIA, as Chavo has left the group and won the Cruiserweight title again, and Lash seems unhappy about it.
What I'd Do: Since Torrie isn't coming back to turn on Shane, Rection goes over clean.
What They'll Do: One of the Misfits turns on the General (or Chavo interferes) and Douglas wins the strap.
Six-Man Street Fight: The Greatest Intercontinental Champion Of All Time & They Were Better As Creative Control vs. Oh, Those Filthy Animals (w/Tygress)
Jeff Jarrett's got a problem with the Filthy Animals. But he's one and they're three, so he got some help in the form of the Harris Brothers, who came cheaper than Kronik - they can be bought off with sandwiches.
In a Stunning Upset, there is NO dissension among either the Filthy Animals or Jarrett and the Harrises.
What I'd Do: Jarrett and Co. should win, but I'd put the Animals over.
What They'll Do: Turn it into yet another overbooked Jeff Jarrett match.
Tag Team "Title" Match: A Couple Of Rank Amateur Rip-off Artists vs. Two
Guys Watching The Clock
Nash and Page won the belts at Mayhem, but Commish Mike Sanders needed a week to realize that Nash hadn't pinned the legal man. So Stasiak and Palumbo got a rematch and won the belts back, but Flair ordered another rematch for this show.
Three questions come to mind:
1. Who WRITES this shit?
2. Why couldn't the talented Thrillers tag team be in this match?
3. Isn't it about time for Nash to turn again?
What I'd Do: I've said it before and I'll say it again: The Perfect Event
SUCK. Nash and Page get the belts back.
What They'll Do: Rectify yet another mistake and give the belts back to
Nash and DDP.
No Holds Barred: Goldberg vs. Who The Fuck Let Him Back In The Building
Luger wanted Goldberg DQ'd after he speared the ref during their Mayhem match. Flair saw through Luger's trick (pulling the referee into Goldberg's path) and signed a rematch - no DQ, no holds barred.
Goldberg's at 26-0, by the way. And this streak angle isn't going to get interesting until about the 165 mark.
What I'd Do: See what I said last month.
What They'll Do: See what I said one line ago.
WCW World "Title" Match: The Pumpster (w/MyDayJob) vs. The Squirrel King
To wrap up, I'm not sure what I'd dread more: seeing these two wrestle or
hearing these two talk.
What I'd Do: Well, as I said above, Sid never really lost the title, but he shouldn't win it back. If they're gonna go ahead and push Steiner as champ on us, they might as well, you know, push him.
What They'll Do: Steiner's winning. Don't you dare think otherwise.
NEXT WEEK: I'll break down the year's best and worst booking decisions. I already have one that I KNOW will surprise you.