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Jess Stutzman




It's amazing how a run of the mill typo in a chat with friends (not to mention 4 or 5 beers) will do to help you formulate ideas for a column.

I was thinking about all the great mainstream crossovers the WWF has been involved in in recent weeks (Rock on SNL, Big Show on Conan, etc.), and I thought, what about the most virtuous, good natured, and big hearted man in the WWF? What about your Olympic Hero and mine, Kurt Angle? Obviously, a man of such unquestionable good character wouldn't belong on such raunchy fare as SNL, Conan, and anything on Fox (World's Scariest Olympic Competitions? When Pummelhorses Attack?). Obviously, there's only one home for an Olympic hero, and that place is CBS. Yes America, tune every Saturday night at 7:00 (what? Why would any God fearing American go out on a Saturday night? Spend time with your families, for Pete's sake!) for "Touched By An Angle"! Tune in every week to see everyone's Olympic hero address the hard hitting issues:

Young boy: But Mr. Angle! I have cystic fibrosis! I can't leave my bubble!

Angle: Nonsense! What you need is some exercise! All that time in that bubble has affected your social skills, and besides that, you've gotten flabby! It's true, it's true!

See Kurt learn the ropes (HA!) of being a guardian angel under the tutilage of his wise old mentor, MISTER Bob Backlund!

Homeless man: But you don't understand! I'm paralyzed from the waist down! I was a Vietnam vet, and my heartless employer laid me off when I missed two days of work to see my son graduate from college!

Angle: Sir, as your Olympic hero, I think all you need is a little inspiration. Here, if I let you wear one of my many, many medals, that will give you the strength to walk.

Backlund: Young man, if you do not stop with your horseplay and stand up from that wheelchair immeadiately, I will procure the chickenwing on you and pinion you to the mat. You see, Kurt? This is what's wrong with America! This is what's wrong with SOCIETY!

Angle: It's true! It's true!

That's right America, a new tag team is here to make you laugh..and cry. Witness the tenderness of this moment, when Angle and Backlund comfort a dying cancer patient:

Angle: You see Mr. Jenkinson, the Intercontinental title, while the more prestigous title according to wrestling scholars, is actually somewhat less sought after than the European title. It's true, it's true! I think it has something to do with the fact that Europeans have a better work ethic than the countries who are represented by the Intercontinental title, such as our very own United States, and Mexico, where the wrestlers are so ashamed of how lazy and talentless they are compared to an Olympic hero such as myself, that they actually cover their faces with masks to hide their identities. It's true, it's true! Another little known fact about the European title is that it was first defended in......

Dying man: God, will you please KILL me already?

(Backlund, with a crazed look on his face, begins to look at his hands, and then grabs a pillow and begins to smother the patient with it).

Remember folks, that's "Touched By an Angle", every Saturday night at 7:00! The WWF and CBS: A Winning Tag Team!

Jess Stuzman
Delphi Superstar

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission