Good grief!

 

No nightmare review this time --just some thoughts--

 

RECAP - O - RAMA -- Take a drink for the millions (and...millions) of times they replayed Heat footage/Video Packages through the night. It's bad enough that Heat is a one-hour infomercial --by the second hour I think I had all the words memorized to all of them. Please, WWF, overexposure to HHH can cause elipetic (sp?) seizures and severe nausea. Vince found the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT, it made three cameos as well as pound home to my horribly splitting head that I paid 34.95 for an overhyped version of RAW.

 

The Godfather walks out. The Sledgehammer of Plot strikes again, as I am realizing the deep subliminal messages that have somehow clouded my good logic enough to pay 34.95 NOT for a PPV, NOT for a Over-Hyped RAW, but for the special, never-before-seen, section of Russo's creative notebook -- the CRACK-INDUCED REJECT SECTION. You know, the one where Russo's grand vision of turning the WWF into the primetime version of "Young and the Restless" is realized, where Godfather/Mideon openers abound, and every episode is *guaranteed* to offend at LEAST two major ethnic groups.

 

Mideon is his opponent. And apparently, since the Godfather has no FARM ANIMALS to offer him, he'll just kick his ass. I'm now in a cold sweat, hiding under the couch, praying to the Great Booking Gods that this is Russo's last influence on WWF. This is what you show people like Jake Roberts to help them sober up. "You don't sober up boy, and we send you ....to STAMFORD! *evil laugh*. I'm sure you'll enjoy working ...the Stupid Undead Farm Animal Freako Angle! Muhahahahahaha."

 

Is it just me, or is WWFE & Co. trying DESPERATELY to fill a lot of time? They wuz HEAVY on the hilights, boss.....

 

The Moolah.....beats IVORY? A 73 year old woman ........with the "help" of Mae Young? At this point, I'm looking for open paint cans behind my chair, I've GOT to be hallucinating ...surely, I did NOT pay for this...? Ivory's crying, my tears spill alongside yours. How long before Lou Thesz returns to win the World Title? Harley Race is still around, too....

 

JEFF JARRETT! I can't say as I have ever been happier to see the Black Heat Hole. He brings ...the kitchen sink. HA ha ha (that was sarcasm.). Tell ya what, JJ, let's have a "Good Handyman" Match, where common garage items (ie, power tools and such) are legal. I will bring A MONSTER TRUCK. Hey, vehicles are common garage items, aren't they? SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT cameo #1 here, coming out with Chyna, by the way. Flour in the eyes -- hey, TOSS VINEGAR IN JARRETT'S EYE --HE'S JUMPING SHIP, THE LITTLE RAT! GIVE HIM THE PICKLE! Bravo to the "man with balls the size of grapefruits", you totally screw out your biggest Canadian draw in a big PPV in CANADA to his worst enemy, but you don't even take the totally cool opportunity to punk out the black heat hole by making him JOB CLEAN to a woman. Way to go, Vince --are you getting soft?

Um, Teddy Long ....maybe that punking by the Dudley's scrambled your brains, but .....IF YOU SAW JEFF HIT HER WITH THE BELT, WHY DID YOU COUNT THE PINFALL if that was against the rules?

 

The Bulldog? And the Rock? This early? Did someone spill coffee on the booking format ? I'll give this a pass -- at LEAST, they had enough sense NOT to job Rock here.

 

Match of the Night -- Even with Terri Runnels involved, I couldn't help but enjoy this match. I'm still wincing, but they missed an obvious --FEAR THE SPEAR, where was the Edge hits the spear off the top of a ladder spot I was looking for? Subtract points for Jeff Hardy's IQ -- I saw TWO spots where he nails his brother in the same attack against E & C. SOMEBODY nearly blew the ending, MATT - hew ....and if anyone starts making Nancy Drew jokes relating to Teri, I will personally drop all 87,654,788 Hardy Boyz books on your home in an air raid. DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!

 

I think I skipped the Hollys - NAO match. Congrats to the referee for changing your contact lenses, you SAW the chair. Hitting them WITH the chair is okay, but FameAssers on chairs are blatantly illegal. CALL YOUR CONGRESSMAN, THE Outlaws have been jobbed! I'm calling my cable company to beg for my money back.

 

The Rock is laying out the challenge -- IT DOESN'T MATTER who the winner is, as long as the Rock gets the title shot. Awfully nice of the camera crew to FOLLOW ROCK ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK, instead of cutting away to playing the hype packages again like the ending of every OTHER segment,  to clue us in on the "unexpected attack." Sledgehammer OF PLOT #2, speaking of which, to borrow a line from the Netcop --

 

NOTE TO JR: HHH IS A BAD, BAD, BAD MAN. WE GET IT ALREADY.

 

Xpac - Kane. EITHER BREAK UP or shut up.

 

Xpac wins. Good, NOW, CAN WE HAVE THE TURN, and advance this story already? The one fued out of the entire WWF mess I'm watching and enjoying (Xpac/Kane) and they are slowboiling it to hell. The possiblities are intriquing, so let's move ALONG, guys!  

 

ZZZZZZZZZ....Somebody PLEASE tell me why I should care about a damn sock ?

 

That's all you get from me. If you want to hear about the last two matches, drop me an email.

 

T-Rific Thoughts -- This PPV seemed scrambled and unfocused, veering in insanities I thought only possible in my twisted mind. Bulldog-Rock was ODDLY placed, due to the "Sledgehammer" angle, and it seriously killed the flow. The opener was a match that was HEAT fodder at best, and with no backstory. The Co Main turned out to be centered around the theft of a sock. This one garners not just a thumbs down, not two thumbs down, but TWO THUMBS TO THE EYE OF VKM. (Love your column, Ronnie...call it a shout out!) And this is coming from a longtime (1991) WWF Fan.