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Kristogar Velo




I know and associate with a lot of casual wrestling fans. I call them marks. For my amusement, I interviewed a few of them to get their thoughts on the current wrestling scene and where it's headed and stuff. It isn't particularly hilarious or anything, but sometimes it's interesting to hear what the target audience really thinks of what's being placed before them.

The cast of characters:

Ray: Has taped every WWF PPV in the past few years even when not watching the TV shows. Gets a group together to watch wrestling shows. Likes most wrestlers, faces or heels.
Allyn: Basically likes whomever the WWF tells him to like. Doesn't understand why heels ever win when "nobody likes them." Never watched WCW.
Sean: Loved WCW, even during times when he acknowledged that it sucked. Watched only one WWF show since the buyout, during the Invasion, and immediately stopped after seeing his favorite wrestler, Booker T, "being treated like shit." McMahons annoy him.
Kris: Only watches when Ray has the get togethers. Knows very little about wrestling. Likes Booker T and Big Show. Liked Undertaker 10 years ago, hates current character.
Nate: Saw WrestleMania X for the first time this past weekend. Misses the luchadores.

A big news item is that Eric Bischoff has joined up with the people he tried putting out of business. Thoughts?

Ray: Goldberg's coming back!
Nate: The show should be better. I like Flair, but he was going nowhere in charge of Raw.
Allyn: Don't know anything about him. Don't really care.
Sean: Who cares? It's Bischoff. WCW sucked last time he was there. He's still, y'know...Bischoff.
Kris: He sounds like a genius. 85 shows in a row? Wow.

Also returning to TV is Stephanie McMahon.

Kris: She's just hot.
Allyn: She got breast implants, like, twice.
Ray: She didn't need them to begin with.
Allyn: I know. It's stupid.
Sean: She looks fine and everything, but God, that's just like(shrieks for a minute)
Nate: I hope Bischoff outsmarts her.
Ray: What's the deal with her look now?

Ray mentioned Goldberg. There's always reports that Vince and company want to sign him. Would you guys want that?

Ray: Yeah. He needs to come back and kick Lesnar's ass.
Nate: I hope he comes back.
Sean: I don't. He should've just kept holding Time-Warner hostage. He should keep telling the WWF to go fuck themselves. Goldberg's above them, and they'd probably make him job to Da People's Elbow or some gay shit like that.
Ray: It would be sweet to see him jackhammer the Big Show or Mark Henry.
Sean: He already did in WCW. It would be sweet if he teamed with Great Muta, though.
Nate: I hope he comes back.

With the Rock taking time off for Hollywood, Steve Austin getting bounced then bouncing his wife, Triple H constantly getting injured and boring, and Undertaker being Undertaker, a couple of old fogies, Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan, have been getting considerable main event time. Good, bad, or what?

Nate: What is Hulk, like, 55?
Allyn: They're both really old.
Kris: I hope I look as good as them when I'm 50 or 55.
Ray: It would be nice if they actually won once in awhile. I know they about to retire and all, but still...
Nate: I wish Hulk beat Lesnar.
Sean: I've been wanting to see Booker face Hulk since Bash at the Beach. I don't think it will happen, since the WWF would actually have to book one of them to win in that case.
Booker won a PPV match cleanly recently.

Sean(eyes widen): Really?
Against Big Show at Vengeance.
Sean(rolls eyes): Fuck that. Shane O'Whack beat Big Show. Nobody cares about the Big Show.
Kris: I like his entrance music. Weeeell...
Allyn: Shut up.
Kris: Okay.

Speaking of Booker, what do you think of his team up with Goldust?

Sean: Are they actually winning?
Ray: They beat Chris Nowinski and William Regal on Raw.
Sean: Then it's good.
Allyn: I was shocked that they actually won.
Ray: They should win the titles. They're fucking hilarious.
Nate: I'd love to see them win the titles.
Ray: I didn't even like Goldust before he teamed with Booker.
Allyn: I don't think anybody did.
Ray: But him and Booker have been really good lately.
Kris: Why don't they build up Booker to go for the world title?
Sean: Booker would only be built up so they could tear him down again. He won't ever win anything meaningful, not in the WWF anyway.

Jericho and his facial hair have been OUTTA CONTROL on Raw.

Kris: You serious? I love that look he's got going.
Sean: Jericho always rules. But he has to job to Da People's Elbow like everyone else. He's probably been asked to sell Da People's Eyebrow already.
Allyn: I don't know why they made him a bad guy. Everybody liked him.
Ray: Y2J against Flair should be sweet.
Sean: He's facing Flair?
Ray: They've been attacking each other.
Nate: That should be a real match.
What do you guys think of Jericho's insulting the Internet?

Ray: What'd he do?
Kris: I'd insult the Internet, too. I really don't get the Internet community. They're so dumb. Especially those idiots on the ESPN boards who think that Jerry Krause was never a scout with the Bulls before becoming GM.

Is the time ripe for the return of Hacksaw Jim Duggan?

Sean: That'd be fucking hilarious! HOOOOO!!!
Allyn: I was saying he should've been brought in after 9/11.
Kris: He's still around?
He was mentioned in Sports Illustrated recently.

Ray: Holy shit!
Allyn: Bring him back. Fight the UnAmericans.
Nate: Definitely bring him and Goldberg back.

Triple H was behind the attack of Shawn Michaels. See it coming?

Kris: Once they hooked up the feed to Shawn, I knew Triple H did it. It was stupid, though, since they would've used all that technology beforehand and not right then.
I believe we were intended to surmise that Shawn already knew about it. The face he made wasn't shock, it was cold anger.

Kris: Oh. That makes a little sense, I guess.
Allyn: It was lame, but not too surprising if you think about it.
Ray: We all knew he was going to be cleared for SummerSlam, too. That was even more obvious.
Nate: That ladder match with Scott Hall was a real match.
Sean: Back when Hall didn't suck.

It appears X-Pac is on the outs with the company. Miss him?

Allyn: He sucks. I hope he never comes back.
Sean: That guy is just... (shakes his head)
Kris: I don't like him. Too many gay moves and restholds.
Nate: Nobody wants him back. I'd stop watching if he came back.
Ray: Didn't he used to be good?
Allyn: I can't believe that he used to be the 1-2-3 Kid. He actually had talent back then.

Kevin Nash.

Sean: I laughed my fucking ass off when I heard what happened. Man, I wish I saw that. What a fucking screw up.
Ray: That was just sad.
Nate: Heh.
You gotta admit, that big boot was pretty sweet. Takes a lot of effort to lift up your foot and wait for someone else to run into it.

Sean: That's all he does, and he can't even keep his balance most of the time. Here's what a Nash match is like... (goes into a routine where he does nothing but elbows and punches, and after each one stops and slowly brushes his hair back) 4 LI-IFE!!!

Should Undertaker have ditched his Limp Bizshit entrance music?

Kris: God, Fred Durst sucks.
Allyn: Then why'd you name your cat 'Bizkit'?
Kris: Their first album rocked! Everything since then has been so, so awful...
Sean: Fred Durst can suck my fucking ass! That little bitch ass piece of shit, I'll take that cookie and stick it up his fat fucking ass and(this goes on for about five minutes)

Vince Russo was rehired, then demoted after one meeting with the creative team. Would Vince have been the company's savior?

Sean(laughing): Hell no.
Nate: I never liked that guy.
Ray: He worked for the WWF? When?
Allyn: I never heard of him.
Kris: He was that writer who put himself in the main events, right? I remember that. That was so stupid...
Sean: He looked like such a fucking weenie in that Giants uniform. I laughed my ass off when Goldberg speared him through the cage and nearly killed him until I realized that made him the world champion. (pauses) Better than Arquette and McMahon, though. At least Russo took a sick bump to get it...rather than just jiggling his man boobs or standing around like a pussy while real wrestlers put themselves at risk.
So Russo, in the grand order of all-time world heavyweight champions...

Sean: Would place third worst. Just barely. He still sucks and I hope Goldberg really does beat the shit out of him some day.

Molly Holly, fat or not?

Kris: Who the hell called her fat?
Ray: Definitely not fat.
Allyn: I don't see it.
Sean: Shit, I've always thought she was pretty hot. She can actually wrestle, too, which might be why the company seems to hate her.
Nate: Not even close.
Sean: I don't know how anybody could say she's fat.
Because she's not anorexic or bulimic?

Sean(shakes head): Fuck that.

How often do you watch Heat, Velocity or Confidential?

Kris: Never.
Sean: Never.
Nate: I always forget to.
Allyn: Only the Heat on the day of PPVs.
Ray: Whenever I can, which isn't very often.

Who would win in a cage match between Scott Keith, Hyatte, Rick Scaia and CRZ?

Ray: ...(looks at the other guys confused)
Allyn: What, are those, like, WCW wrestlers?

That's it.

Kristogar Velo

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