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Top 10 minor details that would prevent an inter-promotional card from taking place:

10. Russo vs. Rocker not a problem; McMahon vs. Lieberman a logistical nightmare.
9. Paul Heyman afraid entire ECW roster will sneak aboard WWF production truck and ride to freedom in Connecticut.
8. Women's groups not too wild about Dudleyz vs. Nitro Girls table match.
7. Bret Hart wary of proposed "submissions match" vs. HHH.
6. WCW officials adamant that Rocky and Booker T never appear in same place at same time; won't say why, exactly.
5. Unending debate over which WWF lower-mid-carder wins the ECW title this go-round.
4. Only WWF worker willing to put over Ralphus is Brooklyn Brawler.
3. Poor focus-group tests for proposed announce team of Mark Madden, Joel Gertner and Dennis Miller.
2. Booking plan calls for X-Pac to job clean to Vampiro, which would cause universe to collapse.
1. Goldberg paranoid of a "shoot" from his opponent; TAKA won't promise to behave.

Top 5 WCW rules of Canadian booking:

5. Canadians love the Insane Clown Posse--make sure the large Vancouver Juggalo population goes home happy.
4. When in doubt, put an old fat chick on a forklift.
3. Don't waste the talented David Arquette on a non-wrestling role; leave that stuff to pushovers like Bret Hart.
2. Have Miss Hancock wrestle a match; have Tank Abbott parade around the ring, showing off his breasts.
1. Three-step program to get over a triple-crown hometown champion: Screwjob, Screwjob, Screwjob.

Top 10 guilty pleasures of wrestling fans:

10. Pretending Kane's devastating top-rope clothesline doesn't involve his feet hitting the ground before making contact with his opponent.
9. Watching Jerry Lawler--50-plus, short, out of shape and a good 15-20 years past his prime--work a crowd like nobody's business.
8. Edge and Christian earning fan support with five seconds of posing instead of five seconds of falling off a 15-foot flaming latter through Jeff Hardy and six thumbtack-coated tables.
7. Trish vs. Lita--over and over and over again.
6. "Big Stevie Cool" in a shirt and tie.
5. Tank Abbott trying to dance.
4. Major Gunns trying to cut a promo.
3. Bobby Heenan in a typical WCW tag-team brawl: "Hey Tony, wanna win a million dollars? Tell me...who's legal?"
2. Disco Inferno attempting to act as hip as Konnan, who is attempting to act as hip as MC Hammer.
1. Humming "We're off to see the wizard" every time Nash starts acting too cool for school.

Top 5 upcoming movie tie-ins thanks to the future success of "Highlander: Endgame":

5. Viscera vs. Al Snow in "Scary Movie: The Return".
4. Crash Holly and Tazz in "Oz II: Munchkins Strike Back".
3. Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan, Dallas Page and The Great Muta in "Space Cowboys II".
2. Sting in "Crow III: City of Mid-Card Matches with The Demon".
1. Jerry Lawler and The Kat in "Autumn in Memphis".

(*New Semi-Regular Feature! Tell the grandkids!*)
Top 10 predictions that hopefully won't come true but probably will:

10. Lance Storm to award Western States Title to Rene Goulet in touching ceremony.
9. WWF will register 250,000 citizens, 225,000 of whom will be too hung over on Election Day (after drinking throughout RAW) to speak, much less vote.
8. Val Venis will pawn the IC title in exchange for $20 and a personality.
7. Pat Patterson will take over booking duties as the XFL pulls Vince away; stage set for debuting tag champs Johnny Polo and "The Man's Man" Steve Regal.
6. Next big WCW "real-life" event: Okerlund shoots on Madden, pins him in 0:19.
5. Kane to join Right To Censor as "The Big Red Mentally-Challenged American".
4. Fat gay guy to be voted off "Survivor", sign six-figure deal as Kwee-wee's valet, "Passion Fruit".
3. ECW moves to Fox Network after COPS; New Jack's face video-distorted for remainder of career.
2. After a win at SummerSlam, Tazz will continue to run roughshod over the WWF announce team until bloddied and battered by Michael Cole.
1. Vince McMachon will begin RAW's demise by booking The Undertaker to jump a shark tank on his motorcycle.

Snappy Closer--Top 5 signs you get too much of your wrestling information from the World Wide Web:

5. Think that Lance Storm's catchphrase actually contains the words "dramatic pause".
4. Positive that the reason Sycho Sid is off TV involves a squeege stabbing by The Ultimate Warrior.
3. Convinced the Nielsen numbers are really secondary to the "StephRate Report".
2. Bring a "Patron Saint" sign to hold behind the new Thunder! announce team.
1. Understand what's going on in WCW.

E-mail appreciated, Slash rules, tell your friends and neighbors, etc., etc., etc.

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission