/13 February 2000
|WWF Sunday Night Heat by Alex Beckers
Heat Report - Feb 13, 2000 (Taped 2-8-00)
The new format last week made no waves and stirred no interest. Then Heat this week utterly killed any interest I might have had to put extra effort into this report. Yes, that's right, Heat this week (at least the first half of it) SUCKED ASS. Second half barely made up for it.
So we'll just do this half-assed until it gets interesting.
We start BACKSTAGE with Rodney and Pete Gas checking out the booking board for tonight. Rodney's scheduled to face Tazz, so after Pete leaves, Rodney erases his own name and puts Pete down instead.
Me, I'm looking at the OTHER three lines on the board ("D'lo vs. Thrasher", "Bossman vs. Mark Henry", "Viscera vs. Funaki") and thinking it's gonna be a long hour until Maude Flanders dies.
INTRO AND PYROS
D'LO BROWN (with Godfather and hos) VS. HEADBANGER THRASHER (with Mosh)
D'LO BROWN (with Godfather and hos) VS. HEADBANGER THRASHER (with Mosh)
Recap of Buh-Buh Ray Dudley chop-blocking the Godfather on RAW, which explains why he's not wrestling tonight. Godfather's spiel is toned-down for the 7pm hour. Honestly until Thrasher came out I was PRAYING that the booking board was inaccurate.
This match is pretty lame. Lots of stalling and lock ups. D'lo gets some offense in with three big hiptosses. D'lo is thrown out and the referee distracts himself while Mosh pummels him. Clearly someone (Thrasher, Godfather, ho's) was supposed to do something, but they didn't. Godfather hobbles towards Mosh but the ref leaves the ring to prevent him from doing anything. Does this make any sense? No, it doesn't. But it only gets worse...
Someone needs to tell the Godfather that distracting the ref only looks good if you get UP ON THE APRON.
Sunset flip from D'lo gets two. (Michael Cole, who was talking about Hell in the Cell '98 at this point, got confused and said "Mankind over the top...") Hos try to get a D'lo chant started, but fail. More offense from D'lo and the Patented Leg Drop get another two count. Thrasher rolls out, so Mosh goes up top and leaps into a powerbomb. Ref counts three on Mosh since he can't tell them apart, and D'lo gets the win in 3:50.
Our hosts are Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole. Tonight! Tazz meets one of the Posse members! Mark Henry takes on the Big Boss Man! Ugh.
PLAYS OF THE WEEK set to Incubus' "Pardon Me". Apparently there weren't enough plays, as I'm pretty sure this song is cut down from normal radio length.
VISCERA VS. FUNAKI
Sure, put Vis up against the Asian to get him face heat. Christ, even Mideon got a win last night, this is so damned bizarre.
Surprise surprise, Funaki can't carry Vis to anything resembling quality. He gets some dropkicks off, but other than that it's a big fat squash, culminating in a huge splash. Viscera wins in 2:17.
BACKSTAGE, Tazz verbally assaults Pete Gas, who's been reading a funnybook. (Calvin and Hobbes, actually.) Tazz: "...that's why your goofy ass got choked out last time!" Gas of course doesn't know he's on the board, but he figures it out pretty quick.
The "survival isn't an option... it's MANDATORY" line makes less sense each time I hear it.
BACKSTAGE, Pete Gas erases his own name and writes "Rodney". Rodney arrives, they argue, and then he writes "Joey Abs". Hah hah funny.
The "Monsters of Rap" album has some songs that I certainly don't think of as "rap", as fun and nostalgic as they may be.
SEXUAL CHOCOLATE MARK HENRY (with Mae Young) VS. BIG BOSS MAN
That Olympic Slam on Mae Young still looks pretty damned viscous.
This is a TERRIBLE match, actually even WORSE than the previous one. Lots and LOTS of stalling. Boss Man rolls in, stalls, rolls out, threatens Mae, repeat. Mae grabs the nightstick, waves it at people. Repeat. Henry hits a couple moves including the Chocolate Moose second-rope slide-through. Mae tries to do something with the nightstick, but the Boss Man grabs it and knocks out Mark behind the ref's back for a win at 4:36. UGH.
Quick RECAP of the Hell in the Cell challenge from RAW, intermingled with highlights from Mick Foley's career.
Baja Picante Doritoes ain't got NOTHIN' on the Salsa Verde ones. Out of appreciation for the vast influence that Doritoes have had on my life, I make the effort to try every new flavor they come out with.
Dog Show ads are just insult to injury.
Next we get a monster RECAP of last week's RAW and Smackdown. We get the radical heel turn, the five on five, Kane's return, and the "divide and conquer" that culminated in Kane tombstoning Tori. (Gotta love X-Pac's reaction to that.)
Incidentally, it isn't until this recap (37 minutes in or so) that the show starts to get interesting in any sense.
In the MEN'S ROOM, the Posse are talking strategy while relieving themselves. Tazz comes in and threatens Joey Abs, who Tazz believes volunteered to fight him.
That really cool black and white Skittles ad, with the gargoyles and the gothic city? For anyone who cares, that's Prague, in the Czech Republic. Hell of a cool city.
The WWF Slam of the Week (brought to us by 1-800-CALL-ATT and David Arquette) is Kane's swath of destruction on Smackdown, again ended by the Tombstone on Tori.
My christ! It's WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION GILLBERG, last seen losing to Triple H shortly after one of the latter's title victories. (C'mon, you remember, Vince kept talking about a "bald sonofabitch" that turned out to be Gillberg?) We get the full entrance, with music, escort, (piped-in?) "Gillll...berg..." chant, sparklers, fire extinguisher, and one damned crazy little bald guy.
And he's on the stick! He hypes his 15 month undefeated streak, and puts out an open challenge to any light heavyweights in the back. And that's NEVER a smart thing to do, because who runs out but... wait, who the hell is THAT?
Why, it's PAPI CHULO... no wait, he wants to be called ESSE RIOS (guestimate at spelling since it's not shown), and the (REALLY DAMNED HOT) redhead with him is LITA. (Tho' it's more likely to be LYTA, no?) Man, Amy Dumas looks a hell of a lot hotter having dropped the skank look that she had with Doring and Roadkill in ECW, and replacing it with a sex-kitten look. NO, it's not just the new breasts!
GILLBERG VS. ESSE RIOS (WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION TITLE BOUT)
Gillberg hits his spear, and it's all Rios after that. Cole and Kelly (and me and my roommate) drool over Lita. Rios into the ropes, handstands into them, backflips over Gillberg, and nails him with a spinning heel kick. Flying headscissors! Huracanrana! Top-rope moonsault (BIG AIR)! And it's over! (0:47) We have a new LHW Champion, and I'm gonna predict that this guy will do well. Fast, cool look, nice moves, and a hot valet -- always a good combination. And Lita hits a top-rope moonsault for good measure! DAMN!
THE GILLBERG ERA IS OVER!
COMMERCIAL. (7 weeks until Wrestlemania)
RECAP from the Tazz vs. Posse handicap match, as well as earlier tonight when various Posse members backstab each other.
JOEY ABS (with Rodney and Pete Gas) VS. TAZZ
Joey Abs gets in ENTIRELY too much offense against someone they're trying to portray as a monster. In fact I think Abs gets in MORE offense than Tazz. (Kelly: "A life of privledge versus a life of nothing!") Tazz hits some nice clotheslines and brawling moves, and a northern lights suplex with bridge for two. ("E-C-dub" chant breaks out when they're on the outside.)
Gas and Rodney doubleteam Tazz on the outside, and that's never a good thing for a debuting superstar.
Eventually Rodney gets on the apron -- Tazz causes a colision, and hits that chokehold for the submission win at (3:10). (Abs does tap-out, no choke-out.)
Afterwards the Posse yell at each other on the outside. Rodney gets thrown in, destroyed by Tazz, and then thrown out on top of the other two. And we're out!
See you next week -- hope it's a HELL of a lot better than this week!