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/2 July 2000
WWF UK Heat by Gav Duenas





It's been a knackering weekend, I'm lying in bed, FOR GOD'S SAKE THAT'S ENOUGH FUCKDAMN ADVERTS.

Hmm, what's on the other side?......Wooooooo, it's BASEBALL! Is there REALLY a baseball player called Chuck Knoblauch? Ha, ha, that's such a funny name. Say, isn't knoblauch German for garlic???

And the thunder rolls, and the lightning strikes, and still Channel friggin 4 throws adverts my way.

Wait a minute.....what's this?'s FOUR(ty eight minutes past 12 in the morning) ON FOUR, it can only be......THE WWF WRESTLING! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeehargh!....

CRAZY FIREWORKS and the dulcet tones of Mikey Cole tell us the Rock Era has begun. Oh great. Why don't we just get on with a match, huh pookie?...

2 COOL vs KAI EN TAI: Hey, what happened to Taka's summer gear? The crowd cheers like a bunch of freaks 'cos Scotty does something, although I'm not entirely sure what it was. Scotty beats Funaki's greasy-haired ass gooood, losing his lid in the process, and the crowd sounds like it's at a swimming gala. In comes that screaming jerk Sexay for a little bit of double-teaming but Fukani manages to make a tag to Taka. So we've got Taka vs Grandmaster Sexay; it's weird what can happen in two and a half years. Lovely sequence between two guys who obviously stayed in touch, then Scotty comes in and they do that funny centipede thing on Taka. Kai En Tai finally takes control with a bit of well-timed heelery, as Funaki plays Mr Fuji and Scotty takes a bump over the top rope. Back in and Scotty takes a beating from those evil Japanese guys before he reverses a 'rana into a BEAUTIFUL powerbomb, TAG TO SEXAY! Sexay beats both men because he's a face, Scotty has made an amazing recovery, double-team by 2 Cool on Taka, bulldog.......yawn.......W....O....R.....M! Double flapjack, HIP HOP DROP! And with that, my friends, the victory is academic - 1, 2, 3. After the match, Kai En Tai joins 2 Cool in a dance. God, this whole thing is getting really lame. I am now officially bored of 2 Cool's dancing.

What a pretty pair of commentators! Did I mention that alongside Mikey Cole is none other than KEVIN "TRIEZ BUT FAILZ" KELLEY?! Time for a break.

One ad later, it's that special moment we've all been waiting for - WHICH IS MORE POPULAR; WRESTLING OR BASEBALL? And STILL I'd rather be watching this boring-as-shit segment than the baseball on the other side. The Rock delivers a long barrage of hilarious catchphrases as he talks to some baseball guy called Mike Pizza or something. If the Rock is soooooooo funny and soooooo clever and sooooooo original, how come he couldn't even think of a name for himself? How frikkin funny, original and clever do you have to be? I know, I'll use half of my grandfather's name and half my father's name, THAT'D BE SO COOL. Or maybe I'll steal Don Muraco's name, YEAH! Useless bastard.

Thank god that's over. Now it's time for another MATCH...

JOEY ABS & RODNEY (WITH PETE GAS) vs CHARLIE-BROWN: That's right folks, D'Lo and Chaz have ALWAYS wanted to be a tag team! Yeah, just like Mideon and Viscera, right? Commentators liken this new team to the New Age Outlaws, and I try to imagine two more different teams. Does Chaz get the Tazzzzz treatment? Dunno, but he gets the jobber treatment as the Posse throws the poor guy around. Chazz catches Rodney with a boot off the ropes, but the hot tag is denied by Joey Abs, who continues the beating. I can't believe Kevin is actually trying to get the Posse's individual PERSONALITIES over! Cole's earpiece cuts out and it's blissful, aaaaahhhhhh. Back to real life, the earpiece is back and Kevin cracks a joke about Mikey getting nasty e-mails. Surely it'd be funnier if he got a NICE e-mail? Chazzz is still playing failed gimmick in peril, THERE'S a DDT on Abs, who tags in Rodney, THERE'S the hot tag to D'Lo! Go on D'Lo, let all that pent-up frustration out. Dosey-doe-ing gets me totally confused as to which is D'Lo and which is Chazzzz. Has Chaz BLACKED HIMSELF UP???? Double-teaming, Chazzzzz off the top, D'Lo with DA LO DOWN, thank you and good night, 1, 2, 3. I can almost feel a tear in my eye, D'Lo Brown is better than this.

Lilian Garcia attempts to interview T&A (with Test and Ass), but Albert decides to conduct the interview himself. Jesus, Albert's mic work ain't gonna be giving Ric Flair any sleepless nights.

A GUY NAMED JOE walks in on THAT BIG UGLY CROSS-EYED FREAK PERRY SATURN having a fill-in-the-missing-blank and tells him that Gangrel has been saying he's a big ugly cross-eyed freak. Whoops! Thank god nobody reads my recaps. Saturn slaps on a really cool armbar in an attempt to find out where Gangrel is. That can only mean one thing......

.....a match between Saturn and Gangrel......

....after this break......

.....or maybe not.....

....Let's take a look at The Rock and Wyclef Jean, who apparently has a pocket full of cheese and a garden full of trees. Please, WWF, if you're not gonna give us The Rock in a wrestling ring then don't try and fob us off with this shite.

Guys, you're right, IT DOSEN'T FUCKING MATTER. I just want to see wrestling at this ungodly hour. I have to be up in 6 and a hours to go to work, and I'm lying in bed watching this fuck-forsaken music video. Hey Rock, SHUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING MOUTH.


Finally, it's time for that match:

THAT REALLY REALLY REALLY NICE (AND HANDSOME) CHAP PERRY SATURN vs GANGREL: Is that a NITRO tattoo on Saturn's back??? Gangrel's entrance turns me on. Bear in mind kids, these men are trained professionals. Phew, JUST as I was about to light this ring of petrol on my bedroom floor, thanks for that, I owe you guys. Saturn takes it to Gangrel, outside they go and Gangrel wonders what he did to deserve this. Back in, and Saturn continues the beating. Gangrel has visibly injured his shoulder, but takes control and pulls a neat powerslam out of the bag. So who was that Joe guy? Kevin asks us to imagine what it's like to be Triple H.........and getting blowjobs off Stephanie.......and having that Muffy chick join in on our red-hot anything-goes sex sessions......aaaaaahhhhhhh, nice. Lovely northern lights suplex by Saturn, but Gangrel comes back with a piss-weak powerbomb for 2. Short sequence of reversals, Saturn slams Gangrel and goes up to the top...and he just kinda jumps on Gangrel's head. Ouch. That will be the ending, though whether it was supposed to be is another matter, 1, 2, 3. I think Gangrel's got a pretty legit headache after that.

Lilian is back! And she's with the Hardyz and Lita, who dosen't sound very South American. Hardyz slur their words a bit.

How's about a bit of mixed tag team elimination action to round off our evening together?!.....

T&A&T&A vs THE HARDY BOYZ & LITA: Albert and Matt start off, with Albert showing moose-like qualities according to our commentators, which can only be a good thing, right? Matt whipped into the turnbuckle but Albert eats a boot and Matt delivers a flying DDT. Now the moose is amongst the lions as Jeff is tagged and Matt says his goodbyes with a Twist of Fate. SWANTONBOMB! 1, 2, 3. See ya moose. The male contingent of this match disappears for a while as Lita drags Trish into the ring and bitchslaps her around a bit. Suplex is very.....feminine. Moonsault is f'in UNREAL! 1, 2, 3. It's 3 on 1! Jeff gets a near fall, then goes for another SWANTONBOMB but misses! Test with the cover, HEY REF HIS FEET ARE ON THE ROPES! Ref dosen't hear me, 1, 2, 3. Matt and Lita double-team Test who counters with THE EDIT FROM HELL and before we know it THERE's a pumphandle slam on Matt and it's Test vs Lita! And now I get pissed off with Channel 4 because THIS IS THE BIT WHERE WE GET LOTS OF CROWDSHOTS BECAUSE CHANNEL 4's 1.30am AUDIENCE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE SUBJECTED TO A WRESTLING MATCH BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN EVEN THOUGH IT'S FINE TO SHOW A MAN BEATING HIS WIFE IN AN 8.30pm SOAP OPERA, and when the crowd has finished smiling we find that Matt Hardy is still around for some reason. Ref finally gets Matt out of there, and Lita takes over on Test! A stunning top rope HURRICANLITA gets 2, and the crowd is going crazy. Great moonsault by Lita, surely this is the win?..1...2......kick out! Crowd can't believe it. Test with A CROWDSHOT and I think that'll be all - 1, 2, 3, Test wins! Test wins! Is this the start of a singles push? Otherwise it was pretty pointless. Good enough little match though, but the crowdshots ruined it. Let's take another look at that top rope hurricanlita! Wow!

I'm going to sleep.

Gav "Angry Young Man" Duenas
[slash] wrestling

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