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WWF UK Heat by Gav Duenas




Hello everybody and welcome to HEAT, HERE ON CHANNEL 4!!!! Your hosts are MICHAEL HAYES and COACH, and the Royal Rumble is only a week away. But enough about that, why don't we talk about the Rumble during a match instead.....

2 COOL (with Commentators talking about Triple H, and a shot of Hayes trying to be cool, and Hayes and Coach talking about the Rumble again, and seemingly no opponents, oh wait no) vs. KAIENTAI: "Yo, homeboys, you might get groovy on the dancefloor, but can you fight?", "INDEEEEED". Scotty and Funaki start, lockup, headlock by Scotty, into the ropes, shoulderblock takes down the Sho-Man. Commentators talk about last week's title match on Raw. Off comes the lid, "wooo" gets the biggest pop so far. Scotty again into the ropes, leapfrog by Funaki but Scotty stops behind him and executes a beautiful back bodydrop. Moonwalk, tag to Sexay, double atomic drop minus the knees, Funaki lands on his arse as Scotty runs into the ropes again, and dropkicks him in the face. Dancing elbowdrop by Sexay, called "I mean think about what Austin has done to Stephanie in recent weeks" by Hayes. Why don't *we* get Tazz??? Sexay laughs and dances, god I hate him, then he whips Funaki into the ropes, Sexay ducks, and Funaki gets his first offensive manoeuvre with a kick to the screw you Sexay. Tag to Taka, remember when these two had an issue? Two slaps, arm-wringer is reversed, headlock by Sexay, off the ropes with a shoulderblock, into the ropes again, Taka hits the ground, Taka leapfrogs him, monkey flip is countered with a.....dunno what it was supposed to be, but Sexay ends up hitting an enziguri. Tag to Scotty, who slaps Taka. Scotty goes to the ropes but Funaki knees him in the back, and gets a superkick for his troubles, but Scotty turns around into a spinning heel kick from Taka. Taka with a slap, then a tag to Funaki. Scotty into the ropes, drop toe-hold by Taka, cobra clutch by Funaki, I love this move, bow by Taka, into the ropes, dropkick right in the face. Ceremonial jumping! A guy in the front row jumps too! Slap to Scotty, into the corner, more slaps, more jumping, but Scotty throws *Funaki* into the corner and gets a few rights of his own. Irish whip is revered and Scotty hits the corner hard, landing on his face in the ring. In comes Taka as Hayes tells Coach that the winner of this match has to throw their opponent over the hang on, he's not talking about this match. Why don't *I* just talk about the Royal Rumble? It's only fucking 2 Cool and Kaientai, no need to PUT THEM OVER, okay The Rock will win it and Austin will win the title at No Way Out against Triple H. Kurt Angle will drop the strap but turn face when the extended McMahon family gives him a beating, because the WWF knows that it has to turn either Angle or Benoit face so that Triple H has an opponent at WrestleMania incase Shawn Michaels doesn't come back after all, and god forbid they put Jericho in that position, oh no of course they couldn't do THAT. And I'm gonna look really silly if none of this happens. Okay, the pause button only stays on for five minutes, back to the match: Kick and a slap by Taka, Scotty reverses a whip into the ropes, Taka ducks a clothesline and goes for a hurricanrana but Scotty powerbombs him. Sweet. Both men are down, it's a race!! Coach suddenly becomes my favourite commentator in the history of the World by telling Hayes "People don't wanna see you or hear you, period". Double tag, and Sexay is the face so he is our designated RANDY SAVAGE, CLEANING HOUSE! Two clotheslines, two bodyslams, but Funaki responds with an eyerake and Kaientai whips him into the ropes. They go for a double suplex, but Sexay reverses into a double DDT! Cover is broken up by Taka at 2. Taka into the ropes, but Sexay backdrops him to the outside. Bulldog by Scotty! Oh no. Y....A....W....N, but Funaki comes back with a devastating crowdshot and when we return to the action Kaientai is taking a hike. Taka has the stick!....I have no idea what Taka just said. "INDEEEEED". Well at least *he* understood. I think they want to dance. Wow, Funaki has his own sign! Yeah they're gonna dance, and luckily Sexay has two spare pairs of sunglasses. I think this ceased being amusing at LAST YEAR'S Rumble. They even get fireworks - there are children STARVING in Africa. Hey, Kaientai just attacked 2 Cool, HA! BIG heel heat for that. What I don't understand is why 95% of their offence consists of slaps and kicks, when these are two of the most talented guys in the Fed? Michinoku Driver and the Ceremonial Jumping, and Taka is back on the mic: "You fools, we are not to be trusted. We are evil, ahahahahaha", "INDEEEED".

Still to come: Crash and Molly vs. a handicap match? And The APA takes on Rahja and Bahja. But WWF, what did D'Lo DO?????? It hurts just to LOOK at the Lo Down graphic. Ivory is also here, with starey eyes, and there's a pre face-turn Kurt Angle tribute.

Attitude advert where the chicks fight.

Isn't that Taker-Big Show ad break graphic getting a bit old?

Okay, now it's time for the Kurt Angle tribute with contributions from Jerry Lawler, Steven Richards and Rikishi. It's funny seeing the crowd cheer him when he debuted. They can cheer him again in a week or so. Old pictures, an old vignette,'s the end of the Kurt Angle tribute. Ummm, didn't he win the World, Intercontinental and European titles and the King of the Ring tournament in his first year of WWF competition? Guys?

Shit, my Dad just rang, where was I? Oh yeah, I was gonna make a cup of tea.

SIRENS, BOOS, it's IVORY. She wants us to take a look at what Chyna was saying on Raw this past week. I'm sorry but I cannot listen to Chyna's voice, I'd rather chew my own bollocks off. Fast forward, back to Ivory: "Does anybody here really care if Chyna ever gets back in the ring again?". Well, I care about it in as much as I NEVER WANT TO SEE CHYNA GET BACK IN THE RING AGAIN. Is that any help? "Well the World Wrestling Federation should not allow Chyna to continue to corrupt all of you into believing that nudity is okay.." Depends who's nude "...and that violence is acceptable. And yes, that making the almighty dollar is more important than making a difference in the World." Okay, now is where we cross over into the "Chyna is a role model" bit, so I'm not transcribing any more. Hey, Ivory issued a challenge to Chyna!! This is going on forever. The Women's title is on the line at the Royal Rumble. Well if we've gotta watch Chyna she might aswell be stinking up the Women's division.

Up next, Crash and Albert, although the graphic still says "Crash and Molly Holly".

CRASH (with Molly Holly) vs. ALBERT (with T&A music): No Trish, hmmm. Crash ducks a right hand, comes back with three of his own but gets thrown into the corner. Commentators talk about the Tag Team Title Match at the Rumble. Big boot and a big right hand from Albert, Crash gets him with a weak kick but Albert comes back with a right hand. Crash gets him with a weak kick but Albert comes back with a right hand. Yes I meant to type that sentence twice. Into the corner, Crash ducks another punch and comes back with kicks. Irish whip is reversed back into said corner, gorilla press slam by Albert! Big splash off the ropes! Am I watching Albert or the Ultimate Warrior? Crash whipped in, goes for a sunset flip but Albert stands on the face, then drops an elbow but Crash rolls out of the way. What a pair of no-selling pieces of shit. Right hands by Crash, I wonder if Albert will ignore them and--oh here's a choke, and Albert changes his mind and whips him into the ropes instead. It almost looked like Crash just didn't want to take the move. This is utter crap. Clothesline ducked, and again, sleeper by Crash! Oh joy. Albert backs him into a corner, then follows in but eats boots, then follows in again but Crash escapes between his legs. Kicks by Crash, head to the turnbuckle, to the top, missile dropkick! Crash goes for the pin and it's obvious Albert is gonna throw him through the ropes 'cos they both take great care to check out their positioning. Not a bad spot though. Albert slides out, Crash slides in, Albert slides in but receives a leg drop to the back of the head. Crash to the top, jumps into a choke, then he's lifted up by Albert and dropped in a kinda Sky High-ish manoeuvre, which I can only assume is Albert's new finisher. 1, 2, 3. My tape goes funny so I can't see what's going on, as the commentators talk about the Rumble. I don't think they've noticed the match has ended. I think Albert is attacking Crash but I can't see it, HERE COMES HARDCORE SPARKY! Boot to the balls, best dropkick in the business, and let's have a nice family celebration.

Now it's our weekly dose of what happened on Smackdown!. I think you'll find THE WHOLE SHOW has already been recapped by, er, some other guy on this site.

It's the Vince/HHH/Steph promo by the way. Sign in crowd: "BARRY HOROWITZ"!!!! Can I just mention that HHH is carrying the entire promotion at this point? Thanks.

Back to Heat, oh no I want to cry, it's.....

LO DOWN (thankfully called D'Lo and Chaz again, with Tiger) vs. APA: Tiger says something anti-American, even though D'Lo and Chaz have taken on their American names again. He doesn't want to drive taxis and make slurpees. The racism card sucks, but then again so does the whole D'Lo situation. Ceremonial rose petal ceremony - pretending to be foreign has to be the most desperate gimmick in the history of wrestling. DUM, DUMDUM, DUMDUM, DUMDUMDUMMMMM, it's the Acolytes! Chevron actually calls them "APA", wow! Ffaarrooqq talks about slurpees and taxis, Bradshaw talks about equal opportunity [bleep]whipping (yes, they bleeped out "ass"), then they rush the ring! Bradshaw destroys Chaz in the corner, off the ropes with a shoulderblock, commentators talk about the Royal Rumble. Big right hand, Chaz reverses a whip into the ropes but ducks and Bradshaw takes charge again. Big right hands, tag to Faarooq, double-team, double shoulderblock gets a 2 count, but Chaz turns the tide with a rake to the eyes, and tags in D'Lo. Off the ropes, clothesline is ducked by Faarooq, off the other ropes, beautiful powerslam by Faarooq! 2 count, then Faarooq takes over again, and the commentators talk about tension between Steph and Trish. I sense possibly a bit of partner-swapping in next week's title match???, gotta stick with the original prediction. One-armed powerbomb is reversed by D'Lo into a Sky High! Why can't they just be two kids from Jersey? D'Lo tags Chaz, who covers for 2. Off comes Chaz's top, but he doesn't get a Girly Hardyz Scream TM. Bradshaw gets all hot-headed, presumably about seeing his partner get beat up by two men who wear turbans, and distracts the ref, allowing the evil ninjas to triple-team Faarooq. Lo Down lays the boots to Faarooq inside the ring as Bradshaw continues to distract Teddy Long. Now it's D'Lo and Faarooq, although I don't remember D'Lo getting a tag. Rake to the eyes, Faarooq comes off the ropes and eats a couple of boots, cover is broken up by Bradshaw for 2. Another fake tag, and in comes Chaz. The commentators have said more about Long than the other four put together so far. Crowd chants "We want slurpees"!!!!! More punchy kicky stuff from Chaz, into the ropes but Faarooq pulls a spinebuster out of the bag! Both men down, tag to D'Lo, tag to Bradshaw, RANDY SAVAGE CLEANING HOUSE! D'Lo tastes a huge boot, whip into the ropes, huge elbow, into the ropes again, clothesline is ducked but Bradshaw then catches D'Lo as he comes back off the ropes. Overhead suplex thing, powerbomb is interrupted by a Chaz clothesline and D'Lo gets a 2 count out of it. Faarooq destroys Chaz on the outside, Irish whip on Bradshaw by D'Lo, but he escapes the charge and IT'S THE CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! D'Lo jobs. The clothesline looks even better in replays. That's all folks! What a load of old crap.

Gav "Angry Young Man" Duenas
[slash] wrestling

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