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WWF Sunday Night Heat


Guest columnist: Joe Gagne


  • I'm reviewing Heat. Why? Just 'cuz.

  • A trio of female stagehands are discussing Foley is Good when the author himself appears. Mick offers to sign copies of the book, but not breasts. One of the ladies compliments Mick for comments he made about Alexander Graham Bell. Foley corrects her, saying it was actually Alexander Hamilton. Mick says something else, but I was too busy staring at boobs to notice.

  • The SNH opening has no wrestlers. How odd.

  • We're live at WWF New York. Tazz and Michael Cole are your hosts. Tazz says "Bon Jovi" to all the Puerto Ricans on this Puerto Rican Day. What an ass.

  • Crash Holly vs. Funaki (with Taka): The neon green rights for Crash have got to go. We recap how Crash doesn't like his cousin Molly associating with Spike Dudley, and how Kaientai interrupted an attempted kiss by Spike and Molly on Smackdown. None of the above really ties into the match, though. Taka promises that Crash will be no match for their unadulterated, unedited, uncensored EVIL. Indeed. Tazz believe Kaientai are actually Puerto Rican. I'm just gonna ignore Tazz from now on, kay? Crash jumps Funaki to start. Whip to the ropes, Funaki ducks a clothesline and follows up with a flying headscissors. Drop toehold and sit-out dropkick by Funaki. Funaki tries a suplex, but Crash escapes and dumps Funaki gut first on the top rope. Crash knocks Funaki to the floor, then runs out and throws him back in for a 2 count. Funaki tries to make a comeback by charging at Crash but ends up ramming his shoulder into the corner. Crash slaps Funaki around, but gets caught with a dropkick when he tries something off the top. They exchange blows, Crash misses a corner splash, and Funaki hits a bulldog. Crash rolls up Funaki and pulls the tights, but referee Tim White notices and stops the count at 2. Funaki manages to surprised Crash with a backslide for 2. Funaki with a dropkick and backdrop suplex for 2. Funaki meets a boot when he tries a corner charge, and Crash hits a double leg flip and hooks the ropes for the 3 (3:36). Crash beats up Taka afterwards when he complains to the ref. Y'know, I just watched a great Michinoku Pro 10 Man tag match featuring Taka and Funaki from a few years back. But they probably got paid 8 dollars for that match, so I'm sure they're not complaining.

  • Foley searches a break room for Socko, finding him on a statue. Um, okay.

  • Tough Enough is coming June 21. Triple H: "You either want this, or you don't." Well, duh.

  • The Germ is at a Puerto Rican Day Parade. Hey, this is just a Foley is Good commercial disguised as a segment on Puerto Rican Pride! Good Gawd, I bought the book, leave me alone [sob]. I should mention the General Adnan look-a-like in the segment, so I will.

  • Mick Foley is out. Mick's got a confession: he hasn't been totally honest with the fans. On the May 7th RAW, Foley said that his book made the perfect Mother's Day gift. But in fact, it's merely a good Mother's Day gift. The book is, however, the perfect Father's Day gift. All right, I'll buy another copy, please, no more, I'm tapping out! Oh, Mick also mentions that the Heat hosted by Kaientai brought in one of the highest ratings ever. Mick says that if Kaientai beats him in the ratings, he'll lock himself in a room and watch Test videos.

  • Fire Pro Wrestling will be on the Game Boy Advanced. Psst, there's WWF and WCW guys in the game. Pass it on.

  • Wow, that Brandon kid from the Anti-Drug ads must have a thing for Amazon women.

  • Our Combos Slam of the Week is Edge beating Test with the Implant DDT (and a little help from Christian) to advance in the tournament. I thought Justin Credible was using the Implant? Poor Justin doesn't have a finisher. Then again, he never wins singles matches, so it's all good.

  • Raven vs. Christian: Tazz imitates the Raven "caw" to great annoyance. Hmm, no Edge with Christian. Cole hints that Edge and Christian are jealous of the Hardyz singles success. Possible singles feuds on the horizon? Christian gets the early advantage with a cheapshot, but Raven comes back and hits a Cactus clothesline. Raven with a Side Russian Leg Sweep into the barricade outside. Cool. Raven beats on Christian some more until Christian uses leverage to send Raven outside and drop toeholds him into the steel steps. Christian goes on the offensive, varying between restholds and crisp looking offense. Raven comes back when he turns a second rope dropkick from Christian into a corner catapult. Tazz actually references Mr. Wrestling II. Raven hits the bulldog for 2. Christian tries a cross body from the top, but Raven ducks and rolls him up for 2. Small package from Raven gets 2. Christian goes for the Unprettier, Raven blocks and goes for the Evenflow, but Christian blocks that. Christian then lures Raven into the corner, trips him up, and puts his feet on the ropes for the win (5:03). No complaints here. I'm hoping Christian gets a singles push in the near future.

  • We see clips of various news reports on Mick Foley.

  • The Classic King of the Ring is Foley getting tossed off the top of Hell in a Cell.

  • Sitdown with Foley. Tazz asks about the Twins jersey Mick is always wearing. Mick reveals that the Twins gave him the jersey when he took batting practice with the team a few years back. Then we get an anecdote, as Kathie Lee Gifford was holding a CD signing in the Mall of America the day before Mick was holding a book signing. And Foley fans outdrew Gifford's by a 4-1 margin. They mention Tazz's mention in the book, but there's no mention of Michael Cole anywhere. Mick relates the Jerry Seinfeld-Tazz story, and does the worst Jerry Seinfeld impersonation since my drunk roommate in college. They give props to Al Snow and Tazz for Tough Enough. Mick promises to besmirch William Regal and believes that Vince becomes quite an ass when there's a camera on him. We're shooting now!

  • Billy Gunn come up to Lita backstage and asks what the hand thing is she and the Hardyz do. "Nabs," replies Lita. She walks off and Billy's expression sours. Either I just inhaled some paint fumes or that was a bizarre segment.

  • The 1-800-Call-ATT rewind is Jeff Hardy winning the Light Heavyweight title from Jerry Lynn on Smackdown.

  • Matt Hardy [c] (w/Lita) vs. "The One" Billy Gunn (European Title Match): Wow, Billy's got his own shirt. It says "All This And Then Some" on the back. Where's my credit card? Lockup, Billy pushes Matt into the corner, and we get a clean break. Matt sneaks in a roll up for 2 and a quick armdrag. Billy backs Matt into the corner again, and this time knees Hardy in the gut. But Matt's too quick and hits some more armdraggery, and Billy retreats to the outside. Billy pulls Mat outside and rams him into the steps. What's gotten into Billy? Back in the ring, Billy runs through his swell offense (including a neckbreaker that doesn't make contact) as the announcers say "aggressive" a lot. Matt manages to duck a clothesline and hits a spinning DDT for a 2 count. He goes for the Twist of Fate and Billy backdrops him, but Matt holds on for a sunset flip for 2. Backslide from Matt gets 2. Billy nails Matt with a clothesline and jaws with the ref. Billy tries a Stinger Splash, but Matt dodges and hits the Twist of Fate for 2 (4:39).

    Matt offers Billy a high five afterwards, but Billy turns it into the One and Only! What the...the fiend! The arena goes silent with shock, then we see women and children crying. Riots break out as male fans try to cross the barrier to get their hands on Billy. The riot squad comes out as a crying child asks "Why Billy...why?"

    Or maybe not.

  • Mick leads some security guys in a rendition of "I Want Candy."

  • A local commercial for a video game store sees some guy imitating the Rock. Except he doesn't look or sound at all like the Rock. He does closely resemble K-Kwik, though. A bald guy rounds out the cast as Stone Cold.

  • Tomorrow in RAW, more KOTR qualifiers and Triple H comments on his condition. Foley comes out and babbles about Hamilton some more, plugs his book, and promises that Raw will be good tomorrow. And we're done.

  • Standard Heat. I liked Raven-Christian, Crash-Funaki was decent, and we saw the monumental turn of Billy Gunn. All in all, not a bad way to burn an hour.

    Joe Gagne

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