|Guest columnist: Dr. Tom
WWF SURVIVOR SERIES 2K1
Either the WWF or the W/ECW "Alliance" will allegedly be out of business after tonight's winner-take-all big match . . . and hey, wanna buy an X-Box?
Live from Greensboro, NC, this is WWF Survivor Series 2001. Your hosts are Jim By God Ross and Paul E. Dangerously.
Opening Match, WWF Euro Title: Chris-TIAN vs Al Snow.Snow starts with matwork, showing us all why he's the "Tough Enough" instructor. Christian breaks out the chops, but Snow counters with a death suplex. Snow goes into the buckle, and Christian legsweeps him for 2. Snow fights out of a chinlock but takes a suplex for 2. Christian chokes Snow and they brawl. Snow does the arm-grabbing headbutts to the chest. He fights out of an inverted DDT (JR: "Unprettier") and gets 2 off a sit-out powerbomb. Christian hits an inverted DDT, which JR AGAIN calls the Unprettier. Maybe I should root for the Alliance to win the big one, just so they hire someone who can call the signature moves properly. Christian showboats, so Snow cradles him for 2. Christian rolls thru a plancha for 2. Snow hits the Snowplow, but Christian gets his foot on the rope. Christian kicks Snow and drops him with the Unprettier (called properly by JR; it's about time) at 6:27. The ending seemed a bit out of nowhere, but the rest of the match was decent enough. * *
Meanwhile, Mr And Mrs What!? arrive to an interrogation from Stephanie's New Rack as Shane-O Mac, RVD, Booker T, and Your Olympic Hero look on and help antagonize. Others suggest their own leadership, but Austin listens to his talkative watch and keeps his spot.
Meanwhile, I'm Vince McMahon Damnit and Linda McMannequin debate the risks of injury tonight, but Vince tells her that shit happens. And they BLEEP IT ON PPV! DAMN CENSORS! Michael Cole asks a stupid question and gets a typical Mr McMahon answer. Alliance Commish Regal informs Vince he doesn't buy into this Alliance traitor talk.
Alliance Commish Regal vs Tajiri. Tajiri kicks the snot out of Regal to start. Regal comes back with a rolling slam and kneelifts. It looks like Regal's got a bloody nose already. Tajri dropkicks Regal in the gut and fires off some rapid-fire kicks to his legs. Tarantula follows, then the handspring elbow gets 2. Regal tangles Tajiri in the top two ropes and chokes him. Tajjri flips out of a powerbomb and kicks Regal. Tajiri misses the Buzzsaw kick, and Regal plants him with the underhook powerbomb at 2:58. Regal powerbombs Tajiri again, then Torrie Wilson after she comes out to check on Yoshi. Well, that was . . . brief. About seven minutes briefer than I expected it to be, in fact. Not terrible, but nothing like what it could have been. 3/4 *
Meanwhile, Test gets oiled up and hits on Stacy Kiebler, who gives him a parting ass grab. Test: "Yeah, she wants me."
Meanwhile, Coach talks to King Edge about his title unification match. Edge apes Test to a lukewarm reaction.
Unification Match: WWF IC Champion Test vs WCW US Champion King Edge. It's the battle of the mono-named Canadian wonders to unify two pretty meaningless belts. Yep, I need another Smirnoff Ice. They take turns powering each other into corners before Edge hits a crossbody. Test pounds Edge in the corner and clotheslines him down. Out they go, where Edge gets dropped on the wall twice. Back in, Edge hiptosses Test and dropkicks him out, following it up with a baseball slide. Swinging neckbreaker gets 1. Test hangs Edge on the tope rope and brawls. Snapmare leads to the obligatory chinlock, an Edge fights out. Test misses a corner charge, allowing Edge the time to do a missile dropkick for 2. Test powerslams Edge for 2 and puts him up. Edge blocks the superplex and flips down. I thought he was going for a powerbomb, but he gets kicked instead. Test comes down with the PleaseCounterMe, so Edge obliges by dropkicking him. Edge leg lariats Test and gets 2 off the half-nelson bulldog. He slips out of the pumphandle, and the Edge-O-Matic gets 2. Test spears him for 2, but misses the Big Boot. Edge fails to capitalize, as he misses a spear and takes the pumphandle slam for 2. Test 'ranas out of a powerbomb and spears Edge for 2. Test blocks the Impaler, but Edge victory rolls him for 3 at 11:21. Surprisingly good match, especially in the latter half. * * * _
Meanwhile, Stephanie vents her stress to Angle. If the Alliance loses, poor Steph will actually be a regular person, which means no more plastic surgery and kinky leather outfits.
Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy and Lita discuss Matt Hardy's strange behavior until Matt walks in on them. At least the Hardys' hick speak will be understood by a NC audience. Trish walks out of the room Matt left a moment before, giving Lita more cause for worry.
Unification Match, Steel Cage: WCW Tag Champions Thoze Damn Dudleyz (with That Fine Stacy) vs WWF Tag Champions The Hardy Boyz. Matt brawls with Bubba and clotheslines him down. Jeff comes in so the Hardyz can do the double elbow. Bubba slams Jeff, and D'Von comes in to pound on him. Jeff dropkicks D'Von, and Matt comes in to do a backslide for 2. D'Von gets 2 off a neckbreaker, and Bubba does some brawling. Bubba hits a neckbreaker and drops a trio of elbows for 2. Matt rallies with an inverted DDT, and Jeff is back in. Jeff takes on both Dudleyz, and does a Poetry in Motion to each of them as well. Matt and Jeff climb and the Dudz pursue. Matt legsweeps D'Von off the top rope while Bubba kills Jeff with a Bubba Bomb from the top. Bubba climbs, but Matt slams him down for 2. Matt goes into the cage. Bubba backdrops Jeff into the cage, but Jeff uses it as a springboard to try and scamper out. Bubba catches him, though, and the Dudz do a Doomsday Device. The Hardyz get pounded on for a while. Matt goes into the cage, then Bubba whips D'Von into him, then Bubba avalanches him into the cage. The Dudz go up, but the Wassup and the Senton That Never Hits both miss. Matt clotheslines them both down. D'Von takes a neckbreaker, then Bubba takes a DDT for 2. Bubba gets double-backdropped, then double-legdropped off the top rope. D'Von saves at 2. Matt climbs, D'Von pursues, and Matt ends up caught in the top of the cage. Jeff takes the Wassup and Stacy answers the call for a table. She shakes her fine ass at Nick Patrick, pinching the key and unlocking the cage door long enough for the table to go into the ring, 3D is blocked, and Matt climbs out. Jeff also needs to, we learn, meaning Matt just left his brother to the wolves. D'Von gets put into the cage, and Jeff climbs. He sees D'Von on the table, and can't pass up the chance to kill himself on live TV. Swanton from the top of the cage . . . misses! Jeff goes thru the table in a painful-looking heap, and Bubba crawls over for the pin and the unified belts at 15:42. Jeff does the stretcher job afterwards. It certainly wasn't a TLC match, but it wasn't bad, either. A little too much slow climbing for my tastes, but that's sine qua non to cage matches these days. * * *
Meanwhile, The Mick is at WWF NY. He says he's there at Vince's order, and I'm guessing he'll soon be out of the WWF by the same order.
Meanwhile, Test beats the hell out of Scotty 2 Hotty because he thinks the Worm sucks. Actually, I'm guessing it's for his place in the Immunity Battle Royal, but YMMV.
Immunity Battle Royale: The Hurricane, Raven, Justin Credible, Tommy Dreamer, Sean Stasiak, The APA, Funaki, Crash Holly, Lance Storm, Billy Kidman, Albert, Chuck Palumbo, Steven Richards, Billy Bitchcakes, Chavo Guerrero, Hugh Morrus, Perry Saturn, Taz, Spike Dudley, and DDP. In no particular order, and I think I might have missed one person, since there are supposed to be twenty-two. Sue me; it's a meaningless match anyway. Highlights: Bradshaw clotheslines Helms out. Taz gets eliminated while yelling at Heyman, who then amusingly hides behind JR. Bradshaw eliminates Kidman by tossing him over the top rope with a fallaway slam. Bradshaw, Storm, Test, and Gunn are the last four. Storm and Bradshaw go at it pretty well, while Gunn and Test have a pretty slow, boring you-try-to-push-me-over-OK-now-I'll-let-you-try-to-push-me-over exchange. Bradshaw and Storm go out at the same time, leaving Test and (groan) Gunn. Gunn stupidly goes for the Dumb-Asser, which Test counters by booting him in his stupid head, eliminating him. Test wins the battle royale, and cannot be fired for the next year. At least it wasn't Billy Goddamn Gunn. I would have preferred to see Storm win, but I can live with Test pulling it out since he's the one getting pushed. *
After yet another "WWF Desire" ad, Booker tells Shane he doesn't trust Austin. Shane stresses the importance of teamwork.
Six-Pack Challenge for the Chick Title: Trish vs Jackie vs Lita vs Ivory vs Mighty Molly vs Mystery Entrant Jazz. Jazz starts like a house of fire, slamming Lita and stomping a mudhole in her. Jazz suplexes Lita but takes the headscissors on the next exchange. Molly and Jackie tag in, and Jackie takes Molly down and chops away. Molly shoulderblocks Jackie but gets hiptossed and dropkicked. Jackie dropkicks Ivory, leading to a nice series of pinfall reversals. Ivory catapults her, then gets catapulted by Trish. Trish gets triple-teamed, leading to a Pier 6 "brawl." Lita and Jackie team for a Poetry in Motion on Jazz, but Jackie clotheslines her down on the next try. Molly comes down with the Molly-Go-Round, triggering a series of finishers. Everyone ends up outside except Trish and Ivory, and Trish nails Ivory with a springboard bulldog (!) for the win and the strap at 4:22. That was a dashed impressive move, and it allowed Trish to showcase her * * * * * boo-TAY. Ok, the daisy dukes help, too. Watchable with a few cool spots, but there was enough sloppiness and silliness to make this a typical women's match. *
Meanwhile, Vince gives Team WWF a final pep talk. Well, it's not much of a pep talk, as Vince tells them what scorned, humiliated losers they'll be if they don't win the big one. Obviously, the only thing Vince McMahon shares with Vince Lombardi is the cultural accident of the same first name.
Main Event, Winner Take All, The Big Match, The Fate Of The Universe Hangs In The Balance, Elimination Match: Team W/ECW Alliance (Shane-O Mac, Booker T, RVD, Your Olympic Hero, and My Name Is Stone Cold Steve What!?) Vs Team WWF (The Big Slow, Kane, Bikertaker, Survivor Series Is Jericho, and The Rock). Kane lights the posts before the match - that usually means he's jobbing, so draw your own conclusions about Team WWF's chances. Rock and Austin slug it out to start - anyone want odds it comes down to those two? Austin does the Thesz Press and FU elbow, then Rock answers with the same. Heh. It gets 2, as Shane saves. Booker comes in and pounds Rock, but takes a flying lariat for 2. Jericho flapjacks Booker and leg lariats RVD. Vertical suplex, but Jericho misses a dropkick, and Rob hits a rolling moonsault for 2. He tries a 'rana, but Jericho turns it into the Walls. Shane saves again. Kane and Angle are in, and I'll just leave you to guess who wins the slugfest. Angle hits a German suplex but takes a sidewalk slam. Kane nails the flying clothesline, and Shane again saves at 2. That's getting irritating already. UT comes in and takes an elbow. Booker gets the worse end of a brawl and big boot, and Shane saves the legdrop at 2. Grrr. Goddamn, I hope he's eliminated first. UT does the ropewalk and some armwork that's meaningless to the match. Clothesline gets 2, as Shane saves once again. Austin comes in and stomps a BY GAWD mudhole in UT, but misses the straddling rope choke. UT ropewalks him for 2, and guess which asshole who has no business in this match makes the save? UT gets bulled into the Alliance corner and beat on for a while. Angle neckbreakers him for 2 but takes a DDT. Slow comes in and kills everyone until Angle drops him with the Olympic Slam. Booker scissor kicks him and unleashes the SPINAROONIE OF BREAKDANCING FAME~! RVD adds a FIVE-STAR Frog Splash to the fallen Slow, and Shane tags in to do the Savage Elbow, eliminating Slow at 12:45. Go ahead, TELL me the McMahons don't put themselves over needlessly. Shane gets the pin on a man twice his size, in a match he shouldn't even be in. Of course, an actual wrestler can't get the pin there; we have to leave it up to the boss' goddamn kid. Fuck Shane, I hope Team WWF breaks about 150 of his bones. Good, Shane takes the finisher barrage, as a Kane chokeslam, a Taker tombstone, and a Lionsault eliminate The Prince Of Nepotism at 14:31. Angle takes his turn, and takes a flying jalapeno from Jericho, and an underhook backbreaker for 2. Angle spears Jericho, and Booker comes in to add a trio of bodyslams. RVD kicks Jericho and spears him in the corner. Jericho victory rolls for 2. Kane boots RVD, but Rob rallies with kicks. Kane powerslams him and brings Booker in. Rob heel kicks Kane and comes down with the FIVE-STAR Frog Splash. Kane does the Zombie Situp, and a Pier 8 breaks out. Everyone else carries the brawl outside, so Rob drops Kane with the top-rope side kick, and Kane is gon at 18:20. UT pounds on Rob, then kicks the hell out of everyone else on Team Alliance. Four corner clotheslines follow. Booker and RVD get dumped, and Angle takes Snake Eyes. UT plants Angle with the Last Ride. Booker has a chair, but UT boots him before he can use it. The juggernaut runs out of steam as Austin nails the Kick-Wham-STUNNER BY GAWD on UT, and drags Angle over for the pin at 20:07. Now it's four on two. Booker and Rock slug it out, and Rock DDT's Booker for 2. Samoan Drop, but Austin saves. Booker gets whipped into Angle, and Rock rolls him up at 22:35. RVD kicks Rock and pounds him in the corner. Rob goes up, but Rock slams him down for 2. Jericho neckbreakers Rob for 2 and bulldogs him. He flips thru the Lionsault but eats a heel kick. Split-legged moonault hits knees, and a Breakdown eliminates Rob at 24:54. Surprise, surprise . . . it's down to Rock, Jericho, Angle, and Austin. Pier 4, and Rock gets catapulted into the post outside. In the ring, Angle slaps on a chinlock. Jericho fights out but gets tackled and stomped. Austin brawls with Jericho and superplexes him for 2. They miss a spot, which Austin partially covers for by hitting a backdrop suplex for 2. Angle chokes Jericho on the rope. Jericho rolls thru a waistlock and applies an anklelock, but Angle knows how to counter his own hold. Austin suplexes Jericho and chokes him. Snapmare and chinlock follow. Jericho fights out, but a mutual clothesline leaves both men down. Angle in, hot tag Rock! Rock gets the belly-to-belly toss, setting up a legwhip and Sharpshooter. Angle taps (??) At 31:58. WTF? Anyway, it's two to one now, pretty much eliminating any chances of Austin being the traitor. Jericho chops Austin and counters a Thesz press, but Austin counters the Walls with an eye rake. Austin tries the old-school Liontamer, but Jericho legwhips out. Austin gets clubbed trying an axehandle, but raises his knees in time to counter the Lionsault. Austin puts Jericho up, but gets shoved down and takes a missile dropkick for 2. Jericho rolls him up, but Austin reverses it for 3 at 34:35. And then there were two. Brawl sets up a Rock spinebuster, then Jericho sets up his future as a heel by planting Rock with a Breakdown. Austin crawls over for 2. Before Jericho can do it again, UT chases him back up the ramp. Austin gets in some mounted punches and stomps. Austin dumps Rock and puts him into the table. Then Austin goes onto the table, and Rock follows him to wail away. Rock goes into the post twice, then the steps. Austin goes into the table again and gets beat on by Rock. In the ring, Austin hits a spinebuster and locks in a Sharpshooter. Rock slowly crawls to the ropes, and finally makes it. Austin grabs the belt, but misses the beltshot and takes a spinebuster. Rock puts him in a Sharpshooter, and Austin struggles for the ropes. Austin lowblows Rock and goes for the Stunner, but Rock counters with a Kick-Wham-STUNNER BY GAWD of his own. It gets 2, as Evil WCW Ref Nick Patrick pulls Hebner out at 2. Rock goes to give him the Rock Bottom, but takes one from Austin instead. It gets 2, as Patrick proves himself not to be to evil an Evil Ref by not quick-counting the pin. Austin decks him in protest. Rock shoves out of a Stunner, bumping Hebner. Austin fights out of the Rock Bottom and hits the Kick-Wham-STUNNER BY GAWD, but there's no ref. Angle is back to ringside and grabs a belt . . . he decks Austin with the belt! Austin staggers into a Rock Bottom, and the death dirge of the Alliance plays at 44:57. The Alliance locker room is crestfallen; the WWF locker room rejoices. Rock hits the four-corner pose (funny how he proudly displays a belt for a now-defunct organization, no?), then Vince comes out to pump his fists on the stage. Now I see why Angle tapped so soon. Very good match, which became better after the fourteen-minute mark for obvious reasons. * * * * 1/4
Doing The Math: So the Alliance is dead, right? Right? Well, they still have Austin, The Dudleyz, RVD, and Christian holding either WWF or unified titles, and Test won the immunity battle royale. So the Alliance is dead but not completely gone, right? We'll see starting Monday, I suppose, as the plot holes of the last few months will hopefully be stitched shut. I was expecting this to be a big steaming turdburger, but Survivor Series was a lot better than I thought. None of the matches were bad, with Regal/Tajiri being the most disappointing. The cage match, Test/Edge, and the main event were all very good, so this one is a winner. A lot of people were expecting some big WCW names to run in on the main event, but I liked it without the overbooking. 7.5/10