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WCW Bash at the Beach

Chris Jones



Lord, what a past few days I've had. I'll spare you the gory details, but I was without power for nearly a full day between Monday and Tuesday night... which means, among other things (such as not being able to finish this recap), that I had no air conditioning while the area I live in is scoring the highest temperatures in the country. Yay me!

So hopefully you'll understand why this is a little late. I've been promising something for today, the 12th, but that might end up being a day or so late due to the unexpected blackout. I have to format it yet, so it just depends on when I get it done.

Anyway... Bash at the Beach! My 1 year recapping anniversary, baby! Let's DO this!

WCW Logo - you will obey... independent thought will not be tolerated...give us your children...

Outside the arena we find Smooth letting the Cat out of his limo. The Commish instructs Smooth to inform everyone that the Filthy Animals and MIA will be banned from ringside during the Cruiserweight title bout. Holy SHIT, we might get a good match tonight! Smooth leaves and a gong sounds, followed by stereotypical Japanese music. Cat looks around for the source as all 3 Dragons appear, making karate noises. Cat doesn't have time to play... so they attack him! Cat fights back by kicking all 3 guys in the balls before heading inside.

Opening video package. "WCW World Title" is shown on the screen after clips of Nash and Goldberg. "For Scott Hall's Contract" appears after clips of Hogan and Jarrett.

We fade into the arena where we are LIVE from the Ocean Center in Daytona Beach, Florida! Pyro! Music! Um... no cheering! No commentary either, come to think of it. Could it be? A WCW show without hearing Tony or Madden? THIS IS THE GREATEST PAY PER VIEW EVER!!!!

The music of the Filthy Animals starts to play. We must be ready to go!

DA JOOS (with a belt and the Filthy Animals) vs. LT. LOCO (with the MIA) for the WCW Cruiserweight championship - As the Animals enter, we get the Spanish broadcast feed. Konnan speaks on 'dis, but the Spanish crew speaks over top of him. I doubt I'm missing much. Disco slips in "word to your mutha" and... aw shit, the regular commentators are coming through now. Chavo and the MIA members head down. I think that story about Major Gunns breaking an implant was BS. They both look great to me. The referee informs both groups that they're not allowed at ringside. MIA heads off as we see that Tylene's short-shorts provide a nice half-cheek shot. There's the bell! Disco hops up onto the apron and gives Juvi a hug. Awwww. Rey Rey does the same. Ewwww. Juvi leans out and hugs Konnan and Tygress, which finally gets the Animals to head backstage. Juvi offers a handshake... Chavo responds with a slap! Here we go! Juvi gets in a few chops. They run the ropes... BIG reverse atomic drop on Juvi. Then a normal atomic drop! Chavo clotheslines Juvi down to the floor! Juvi backs up the ramp to the entrance and points to his balls to indicate an injury, or so I'm guessing. He heads back down and pretends to enter a few times, only to roll out again. Chavo finally goes after him and Juvi rolls inside, lowering the boom as Chavo tries getting in. Juvi tries to suplex him in off the apron... Chavo reverses! Suplex to the floor! Chavo hits a VADER BOMB off the second rope to the floor! He rolls Juvi back inside and Juvi runs Chavo into the turnbuckles. Juvi with the 10 punches of death! Juvi walks off to pose and Chavo hits a running clothesline. And another! Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! 1, 2, kickout! Chavo hooks on an armbar. Juvi fights up and goes to the eyes. Chavo turns a corner whip into a headscissors! Powerslam on Juvi! 1, 2, kickout! Now Chavo unloads a few big chops. Juvi does a corner whip and misses an avalanche. Chavo rushes in and eats an elbow. Juvi rushes Chavo and gets tilt-a-whirled... but he lands on his feet. They both hit the ropes. Double clothesline! Both men are down! At around the 7 count, both men stand back up. Chavo ducks under Juvi and a quick exchange sees Juvi fall outside. Chavo goes up top! Flying body attack! Here come the Filthy Animals back to ringside, all wearing masks. Chavo yells at them and Juvi rolls him up from behind! 1, 2, kickout! Another referee forces the Animals to return backstage. Chavo has fallen out to the floor and Juvi springs over the top rope with a legdrop! Juvi introduces Chavo to the railing and the post before rolling him back inside. A slam puts Chavo down. Juvi springboards to the top rope... but then just falls directly forward with a big splash for a 2 count. Juvi goes up top! Chavo runs up and meets him! Juvi flips over into sunset flip position... and hits a running Liger Bomb!! 1, 2, kickout! Juvi lifts Chavo up for a piledriver and falls forward with him. Time for the people's elbow! Wait, BILL CLINTON appears in the crowd... with a shirt and tatoos matching what Hugh Morris had on a few minutes ago. Juvi goes for the elbow, Chavo sits up, and Juvi kicks him back down so he can drop it. Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Now the rest of the MIA is at ringside, and THEY all have masks on. Here comes Tylene down the ramp! I don't think she's wearing a mask... but I'd have to look up at her face to be sure. Juvi has ascended to the top rope and Tylene tears off her tank top to distract him! Chavo knocks Juvi off the apron and covers! The ref is distracted with the MIA members. Chavo pulls Juvi up... Tornado DDT! Wait, Juvi blocks! Chavo slips out of a Juvi Driver and hits a Curtain Call suplex! 1, 2, kickout! Chavo goes for a powerbomb... Juvi slips out. Juvi Driver! 1, 2, kickout! Juvi pulls Chavo up and, out of nowhere, Chavo hits the Tornado DDT! 1, 2, 3!! Chavo celebrates with the Misfits as replays show us some of the action.

Your winner: Lt. Loco (match time: 12:09)

Back inside his office, the Cat consults with the Dragons. He insists they did a good job on Thunder, but they seemingly misunderstand "job" as the Cat wanting them to continue helping him. Here's Jeff Jarrett into the office! He demands to know where Hogan is. The fat woman stands off to the side and sings. The Cat claims that Hulk isn't here yet, but he's coming.

A LONE GOOMBAH (with a stick ball bat) vs. A MAN OF MYSTERY for the WCW Hardcore Championship - As Vito enters, we see footage of him laying out Terry Funk on Thunder. Vito takes the stick! "Hey Maestro, cut my music off please. Now you people have an Italian champion to cheer for!" Boos. "I want to tell you people sumthin' short and sweet. I was supposed to fight my old pasian Johnny Da Bull... then Terry Funk was supposed to get in the mix, that old scamma... but you know what? They beat the hell out of each other on Thunder, so they ain't here. I talked to the Cat, he said he got somebody, a mystery opponent. So you know what? If you got a pair of grapefruits, how 'bout sending those guys out?" Who's it gonna be? Some music starts... YES! HARDCORE WARRIOR NOR-MAN SMI-LEY has returned! And there's RALPHUS, still as pretty as ever. Vito asks for the music to be cut again. "You guys want a shot at the hardcore title? Well, guess what? I'm a fightin' champion, I don't sweat nobody. We're makin' this a handicap match and I'm gonna kick your stank asses right now!" Ralphus is wearing gloves... I guess he's ready to kick some ass. Vito arrives in the aisle and cracks his stick over Ralphus, taking him down. Now Norman gets a beating with the stick as Tony reminds us of the retarded "start in the back, end in the ring" rules. Vito hammers Norman around the ramp area and then drags him backstage. Norman fights back and smashes Vito with a trash can! There's a randomly placed piece of breakaway wood to the head! Norman holds Vito as Ralphus unloads a few trash can shots. THERE'S THE WIGGLE! Vito gets whipped into a nearby forklift, then into some more trash cans. Ralphus delivers a few weak trash can lid blows. His pants are already almost half down. Vito punches the lid into Ralphus' face and goes back to work on Norman. Norman into... some crates and plastic bowls. Norman runs towards an elevator and pushes the button. The door opens and Vito knocks a tray from the hands of some guy, then he throws the guy aside. Norman ends up in the elevator and Vito sends him to another floor. Ralphus is heading back to the ring. Vito catches him at ringside and hammers on him before rolling him inside. Vito puts a lid on Ralphus' nuts and SMASHES it with a stick! Jeez! Vito goes outside... here comes a table! Unfortunately, it looks like the cheapest possible table they could have found. Proving that point, one side of legs is broken so Vito can only stand it up on one end. He leans Ralphus onto the table and heads up top! SPLASH THROUGH THE TABLE! Norman's on his way down the aisle... but Vito covers. 1, 2, 3! Norman heads back up the aisle rather than try to assist Ralphus while Vito's still there.

Say, how'd Norman and Ralphus get their jobs back?

Your winner and still WCW Hardcore champion: Big Vito (match time: 5:56)

Next month... it's Blood Runs Cold! Er... New Blood Rising! No more Road Wild? No more redneck bikers?!

Goldberg is entering the building. Scott Hall's contract, which protrudes from Bill's pocket, has magically returned to it's normal form after being eaten and torn.

Here's GENE MEAN for the first time tonight! He stands by with Kevin Nash at the interview area. Nash calls Goldberg a "bald-headed prick" and says he's Bill's only defeat. What about Bret, Kev? Nash then forgets the name of his own move and says he'll deliver a Jackhammer on Goldberg later on.

A video package runs down the heated history between Daffney and Miss Hancock. "Do you know how hard it is to be a bad girl trapped in a good girl's body?" What does that mean? They've nicely edited one of Hancock's promos from saying "much more sexier" to "much more sexy". We don't want people thinking she's STUPID or anything.

LEGGZZ (with David Flair) vs. DAFFNEY in a Wedding Gown Match - FINALLY, after a year, WCW gives me a blatant T&A match to recap! Of course, it has to involve Daffney... I'm sure tattooed goth chicks are somebody's cup of tea, they're just not mine. And I think we've already seen Miss Hancock's best assets. Speaking of Hancock, she's on her way down with David in a short wedding gown and stockings. I mean Hancock's wearing that, not David... he's got a tuxedo on. Tony claims this angle is "better than any soap opera". Soaps must REALLY be going downhill. A wedding cake is at ringside and the announcers point out that it'll end up in somebody's face... like we didn't know. David lays his tux jacket and a pair of hair clippers on the announcers table and then heads inside the ring, where the two start making out. Here comes Daffney in a black wedding dress. David and Hancock apparently missed the loud shrill screams in Daffney's theme music as they keep on kissing, unaware that Daffney approaches. Low blow on David! Hancock gets thrown down! There goes her veil. Daffney lands some really slow head slams to the mat. David reaches in and pulls Daffney off, giving Hancock the chance to stomp her. Daffney gets propped up against a corner... HANDSPRING ELBOW by Miss Hancock! Well, mostly just a handspring. Hancock teases a STINKFACE... I'd take one from her. Daffney regains control and tosses Hancock around. I SEE THONG! I SEE THONG! A kick from Hancock floors Daffney. Now Hancock tries to force Daffney towards the cake... Daffney reverses and tries the same, which brings Dave into the ring to pull her off. Referee "SLICK" JOHNSON pulls Miss Hancock back and the ladies both nail their captors. Hancock grabs the ref's pants and tears them off! Why's he wearing tear-away pants? And why is his referee shirt tucked inside his underwear? Daffney does the same to David, who is also wearing tear-away pants. Hancock eats the turnbuckle! Low blow on David! Daffney runs Hancock's head into Dave's crotch! Now Miss Hancock tries stripping Daffney, but she fails. David takes Daffney down and Hancock tries using the clippers. Here comes CROWBAR to save the day! Belly to back on David! Crowbar looks around at the lack of pants and removes his own, getting his feet stuck in the ends as his pants are actually real. There's a sit-out front suplex on David! He goes...


Wait, we're back. Crowbar uses his pants to choke David. Daffney has the clippers! Hancock has the stick! "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait! I know what you people want to see. Hit my music!" And she removes her bottom! PANTIES! PANTIES! PANTIES! The referee calls for the bell... huh? She's still got a top on! Hancock dances around, the loss of the match not effecting her. She teases taking off her dress top and Daffney smashes a piece of cake into her face. Crowbar and David brawl into the cake on the floor. Hancock smashes a big piece into Daffney's face and they all roll around in the frosting. David and Hancock bail as Daffney flicks cake at Crowbar. Boy, if Miss Hancock didn't have a nice ass, that match would have been a TOTAL waste of time.

Your winner: Daffney (match time: 4:16)

The Cat is backstage talking to himself. The Japanese music plays again as the Dragons pop out of laundry carts and other various hiding places, but Cat fails to notice them as he strolls by. Ooookay.

We're taken to our hosts for tonight's fiesta, TONY "DOES THIS HAWAIIAN SHIRT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?" SCHIAVONE, SCOTT "DOES THIS HAWAIIAN SHIRT MAKE ME LOOK BALD?" HUDSON, AND MARK "DOES THIS SHIRT MAKE ME...HEY, DO I SMELL FRIED CHICKEN?" MADDEN, who wonder about Hogan's whereabouts. A crew is trying to clean up the frosting at ringside and they don't seem to be having much luck. Tony brings back Bash at the Beach memories, such as Hogan beating Flair and the nWo forming. The crew pours water bottles onto the mess, but it still isn't coming up too well. They finally decide to give up and remove the pieces of mat that are dirty.

TWO JOBBERS WITH TITLE BELTS vs. WCW ADVOCATES ILLEGAL DRUG USE for the WCW World Tag Team Championship - Stasiak and Palumbo enter showing no ill effects of their tanning bed mishap on Thunder. What a surprise. Kronic makes their way down to their gay lazer show. Without much fanfare, we're underway! Crush starts off against Palumbo. They lock up and Chuck slaps on a headlock. Crush shoots him into the ropes and a shoulderblock sees neither man move. A running sequence ends with Chuck being tossed over the top. Sean runs in and Crush presses him over the top onto Palumbo! The champs grab their belts and debate about whether or not they should leave. They finally agree to stay and Sean enters the ring. He wasn't tagged! Illegal man! Wrath is now in for his side. They lock up and Sean forces Wrath into a corner, where he unloads some punches. Wrath quickly reverses and does some hammering of his own. Whip to the other side, Sean raises a boot. Stasiak to the second rope... Wrath catches him. Rock Bottom! Tag to Crush. A double shoulderblock takes Sean down. Stasiak tries some offense and is met with a big boot. He tags out and Chuck rushes in, only to get caught in the Fatty Boom Batty. 1, 2, Stasiak breaks it up. I don't get that "fatty" reference, could one of the announcers please explain it? Stasiak is now legal, I guess, despite not being tagged. Crush gets whipped to the ropes and Chuck pulls down the top rope on him. The champs double team Adams on the floor while Wrath argues with the referee. Chairshot by Palumbo! Crush is rolled back in and Stasiak gets a 2 count. Sean unloads a flurry of punches to the head. Tag to Chuck, who goes up top! Diving shoulderblock! 1, 2, Wrath breaks it up. Chuck hooks a sleeper on Crush. He's down to one knee! Now he's fighting back! He breaks free! Crush into the ropes... Chuck knees him in the gut. Tag to Stasiak. A jumping back elbow puts Crush down for a 2 count. Whip to the ropes and Crush gets caught in another sleeper. He fights back up and Madden nearly has an orgasm. Crush breaks free and collides with Stasiak after a rope bounce. Both men are down! Tag to Palumbo. Tag to Wrath! He's a house on fire! Chuck goes down! Sean goes down! Wrath trips trying to deliver a corner clothesline! Ha! He tries again and hits it. Cover! 1, 2, Stasiak breaks it up. Crush clotheslines Sean to the floor. Meltdown on Palumbo... no, Chuck escapes and hits a DDT! Tag to Stasiak. Sean floors Wrath. Adams enters and goes down. Stasiak lands dropkicks that knock both Kronic outside. Diving clothesline off the apron by Stasiak! He works over Wrath on the floor and then rolls him back in for a cover. 1, 2, kickout! Adams gets knocked back to the floor by Palumbo. The champs hit a double flapjack. Cover by Stasiak! 1, 2, Adams breaks it up. He throws Chuck outside! DVD to a DDT on Stasiak! Crush finally goes back to the apron so Wrath can tag him. They hit a double corner boot on Stasiak. Palumbo gets knocked back to the floor. High Times on Stasiak! 1, Palumbo breaks it up! He hammers on both Kronic members. They attack and give Chuck High Times! Sean comes in with the Lex Flexer, but he gets it knocked away. Kronic sets for a double team move... and hit a reverse Doomsday Device of sorts! 1, 2, 3! Kronic wins the titles! The message: SMOKE POT, kids! Scott Hudson makes me do a spit-take by claiming that there are 16,000 fans in the arena. I guess that means they sold 13,000 tickets since Friday.

Your winners and new WCW World Tag Team Champions: Kronic (match time: 13:37)

The Cat is in his office, talking about James Brown on the phone. Play that Japanese music! He looks around the office but can't find anything. Jarrett and the fat lady enter and Jeff demands Hogan, threatening to start screwing with the show if Hogan doesn't arrive. He laves and the Cat hangs up on his call, then dials out... maybe to apologize to the person he hung up on? Play that Japanese music again! The Cat still can't place the source. Now the Dragons attack! Cat gets laid out with their weapons.

POSITIVELY NOT PAGE (with a copy of his book) vs. BOOKER TEE - Kanyon enters doing his DDP routine. This is getting kind of old. Or, if you want, it's positively getting old. Here comes Booker! He poses in the ring as Kanyon shows him the diamond sign. A "Booker T" chant fires up as Kanyon enters the ring. There's the bell! Kanyon ducks away from some contact, but then locks up. Booker hooks on a headlock. Kanyon tries fighting out and gets met with a spinning wheel kick! Kanyon bails and the blonde wig is off. He comes back in and takes the advantage with some right hands. Whip to the ropes, reversal, Booker goes down from a shoulderblock. A running sequence sees Booker hit a dropkick! Then a clothesline takes Kanyon down. Booker tears off Kanyon's DDP t-shirt... "AHHHHHHH!!!"... and he dumps Kanyon over the top. Booker grabs Kanyon's book and a brick falls out. Booker throws the brick aside and goes outside, where he runs Kanyon into the railing a few times. Kanyon rolls back in and Booker goes up top! Flying clothesline! 1, 2, kickout! Booker goes in towards Kanyon and Kanyon tosses Booker to the floor. Now Booker gets whipped into the steel. Then he meets the ring steps! Kanyon leans the steps onto Booker's shoulder and then smashes them with a chair! He puts Booker on the apron against the ringpost and runs across the ring, hitting a sliding dropkick to the back. Booker tries coming back inside and Kanyon suplexs him in while standing on the second rope for extra height. Cover! 1, 2, kickout! Kanyon heads outside and grabs a chair, which he wedges between the top and middle turnbuckle pads. Booker attacks! Kanyon raises a boot to avoid a corner charge, but Booker hits a powerslam! 1, 2, kickout! Kanyon reverses a whip to the chaired corner, but Booker leaps up over Kanyon... no, Kanyon catches him! Sit-out powerbomb! 1, 2, kickout! Kanyon hooks on a reverse Boston crab, which doesn't seem to do any more damage than the regular Boston crab. Booker uses his legs and pushes Kanyon back into a pin attempt! Kanyon pulls the tights into one of his own! 1, 2, kickout! Booker whips Kanyon into the chaired corner! Spinebuster! 1, 2, Kanyon gets his foot on the ropes. Booker grabs the chair! He goes to swing and the ref grabs it. Kanyon grabs his book! He nails Booker... Booker drops like a rock, despite the brick being removed. 1, 2, kickout! Kanyon checks his book and Booker spins up! HARLEM SIDEKICK! AX KICK! ROCK BOTTOM! Or the "Book End", if you like sucky names. Booker goes up top! Kanyon pulls the referee down onto the mat next to him. Here comes SUPREME DEITY JEFF JARRETT with a gee-tar! KABONG ON BOOKER! Booker falls off the ropes into the ring as Jarrett scatters. Kanyon lifts Booker up onto the top rope. KANYON CUTTER!! 1, 2, 3! Kanyon celebrates DDP style.

Your winner: Kanyon (match time: 10:06)

Mike Awesome is backstage trying to get into the... uh... armor of Jeff Jarrett's fat lady, but Pamela Paulshock runs a cock block by interrupting for an interview. Awesome promises to beat Steiner and then yells at Pamela for chasing off the fat chick. Why do they still call Awesome the "career killer"? Who's career has he killed?

PILL POPPER PUMP (with Midajah) vs. CHUBBY CHASER MIKE AWESOME for the WCW United States Championship - Midajah heads out first so we can get a good look at her, which is the way it should be. Scott plants a kiss on somebody at ringside. Family? Skanky whore? Who can tell? Hudson wonders if Midajah has seen Scott on the cover of Ironman Magazine, failing to note that Midajah herself was on last month's cover. It's a good thing I'M here for these details. Awesome heads down and Steiner leaps off the apron and attacks him! He runs Mike into the railing and charges... Mike backdrops him into the crowd! AWESOME LEAP OVER THE GUARDRAIL! They brawl through the crowd, proving that Vince Russo is indeed back. Mike gets a plastic trash can shot in. AWESOME SLAM ON THE FLOOR! They start heading back towards ringside and Scott tosses Awesome over the railing. Steiner with a chair! He plants it across Awesome's face and rolls him back inside. A BIG Steinerline puts Awesome down. 1, 2, kickout! Scott tries a corner whip and eats a boot as he charges in. Awesome goes up top! Scott hammers him and climbs up himself. BELLY TO BELLY OFF THE TOP! 1, 2, kickout! Steiner sets for the 10 punches of death, but only unloads 3. There's a backbreaker on Awesome. Mike blocks a suplex attempt and lifts Steiner up, dropping him across the top rope! Scott falls to the floor! Mike drops an elbow off the apron... now he's got a chair! Awesome chairshot to the gut! And again! Scott gets whipped into the steel. Sign in crowd: "RIC FLAIR HAS FUN BAGS". I guess that makes Midajah's "fun suitcases". Awesome grabs the ring bell and clocks Steiner across the jaw. Mike's got another chair! Shot to the back! Shot to the gut! Another one to the back! Mike runs Scott's lower back into the ring apron a few times, then he shoves Scott into the guardrail. Awesome rolls Steiner back inside and then snaps his neck down on the top rope. AWESOME SPRINGBOARD SPLASH! 1, 2, kickout! Mike goes up top! AWESOME FLYING CLOTHESLINE! Hold on, here's COMMISSIONER CAT coming down the aisle. Steiner blocks a suplex attempt, hitting one of his own. Scott ducks a clothesline... belly to belly! Scott calls for the Recliner. "Oh, no you don't!" The Cat is on the apron with the stick... Steiner knocks him off! Scott goes for a double underhook on Awesome, but Mike lands a low blow. Big spinebuster! 1, 2, kickout! Mike climbs back up top... AWESOME AWESOME SPLASH!!! 1, 2, kickout! Mike sets for an Awesome Bomb... but Scott runs him back into the buckles. Mike fights free and the ref ends up taking a wild shot, sending him down. The Cat climbs inside as Awesome holds Steiner. A Cat superkick... MISSES! He floors Awesome! Steiner hits a belly to belly on the Cat and covers Awesome! Mike grabs the top rope. 1, 2, Awesome kicks out anyway. Spinning belly to belly! Scott preps for the Recliner. "Oh, no you don't! Don't you do that! I'll tell you what, I'm gonna strip you of your title if you put that on him. That's a illegal move! Now I have SPOKEN!" Steiner gives Cat the "up yours" and applies the Steiner Recliner! Cat demands the bell... Steiner's been stripped, I guess. God forbid he DO A JOB. The Cat takes the belt from Midajah and heads up the aisle, where Steiner nails him from behind. Scott runs back in and drills Awesome with a t-bone. So what's the result? Awesome wins by DQ? Okay.

Your winner by disqualification: Mike Awesome (match time: 9:10) **Scott Steiner is stripped of the United States title**

Our commentators make sure we understand that Steiner has been stripped of the belt. Hey, isn't that the same way he lost the belt last time? Oh lord, it's time for the graveyard match.

ELEVATED YOUNG TALENT VAM-PIE-RO vs. THE DEMON (with Asya) in a Graveyard match - It's pitch black and Demon is carrying a torch, followed by Asya and referee LIL' NAYTCH. They walk around the graveyard and stumble across a casket that's resting right on the ground. Demon opens it... it's empty. There seems to be crime scene tape roping off an area nearby. Vampiro leaps out of a tree! And he misses! Demon slams Vamp on the ground. This is hard to see. Demon misses with a big stick and Vamp floors him with some kicks. Now Vamp unloads some punishment and demands that Demon join him. Asya appears and nails Vamp from behind. The taped off area is an open grave, which Vamp gets knocked into. Vamp pulls Demon down in with him, then he quickly climbs out and grabs Asya, dragging her off and yelling at her. Demon SLOOOOOWLY climbs out of the grave as Charles Robinson holds the flashlight right in his face. Charles: "I'll wait here." As Demon walks off, Charles looks around in the dark. "Wait for me!" Demon starts jogging to who knows where. Asya is near a body of water of some sort. Demon checks on her and Vamp comes out of the water and attacks. Madden: "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! VAMPIRO WAS WAITING FOR HIM!" They brawl in the water. Vamp tries dunking Demon under, then cracks him against a log or something on the shore. Demon falls back into the water and Vamp starts dragging Asya back towards the grave. Charles puts his 9th grade junior lifeguard training to good use and pulls Demon from the water. LORD, this sucks. The announcers assume that Vamp is making his way back to the arena, which is how you have to win. As Demon starts running after Vamp, the sun is suddenly pouring in through the trees. Good editing, boys. Asya is down next to the casket. Demon checks on her and Vamp sits up in the casket and spews "a red liquid" into Demon's face. "Moment of truth, Dale! Are you ready to live... or die? You ready to join me?" "NEVER!" "You couldn't beat me... you should have joined me." And Vamp breaks something on Demon's head. A tombstone, sayeth Tony. Vamp opens the casket and puts Demon inside... then he pushes it into the open grave. Vamp grabs the torch. "Say hi to Sting..." and he throws the torch into the grave. "When you see him in Hell *spit*." Vamp starts walking off...

And here's Mean Gene standing by with Shane Douglas. SHIT, I guess we're not done with this Vampiro crap. Shane guarantees that he'll beat Buff... 'cause he's just "that damn good".

If YOU ordered this show, send in your cable bill and you could be GOLDBERG'S GUEST MANAGER*!!!

(*Guest Manager = one of the security guys that knocks on his door)

BUFF BAGWELL vs. DEAN DOUGLAS - Buff enters doing his usual (see: stupid and annoying) routine. Shane heads down looking old. Hey, I like the guy, but he's looking old. Wasting little time, we're underway! Wait, I spoke too soon... Buff climbs the ropes and starts a "Franchise sucks" chant. You so crazy, Buff. The two get face to face... Douglas with a shove! Buff unloads some punches! A dropkick knocks Shane out to the floor. Buff follows and introduces Shane to the railing a few times. Douglas ends up raising a leg and catching Buff low. Shane drops Buff onto the railing and then starts pulling up the mats at ringside. Shane tries a piledriver on the concrete... but Buff backdrops him onto the stack of folded up mats. They go back inside and Buff hits his shitty swinging neckbreaker. Douglas rolls back out and ends up pulling Buff out with him. Buff misses a big punch and Shane lifts him in atomic drop position and crotches him on the post! Shane grabs a chair... Buff blocks the shot! Buff grabs the chair and Shane punches it into his face! Wow, you'd think that would hurt your hand more than anything. Shane applies a reverse chinlock on the floor and talks some trash. He rolls Buff back inside as Madden brings back "pretty boy redneck" to describe Buff. I'll have to start using that. Douglas applies a neck twisting sort of... wait! Here's WHORRIE TILSON on her way down! And she's got some nice new boobies! Torrie climbs onto the apron and slaps Douglas! Buff rolls him up! 1, 2, kickout! Buff hits a back elbow that sends Shane down. High cross body! 1, 2, kickout! Torrie's on the apron again, cheering on Buff, it appears. Buff hits a VADER BOMB! 1, 2, kickout! Buff looks to Torrie, who climbs inside the ring. Now they're swapping spit... Buff turns to pose and she kicks him in the nuts! Ha! Douglas hits the Pittsburgh Plunge! 1, 2, kickout!! Shane gives us the "he kicked out of my finisher!" look of shock. Buff hits the shitty DDT! 1, 2, kickout! Close-up of Torrie... damn, she's got some HUGE new boobs. Yay, Torrie! Buff sets for the Blockbuster and Torrie grabs his leg. Buff throws her off by the hair and Shane lifts Buff off the ropes, hitting a reverse atomic drop! Reverse Stunner ala Danny Doring! 1, 2, 3! Torrie climbs in and hugs Douglas. Madden: "It looks like the Franchise has found a head cheerleader!" Yeah, baby! ORIGINALITY! Torrie and Shane kiss and then head out. Have I mentioned that Torrie now has A MASSIVE FREAKING RACK?

Your winner: Shane Douglas (match time: 7:53)

Here's Hollywood Hogan backstage! He's here!

Mean Gene talks with Double J, who says Hogan's made too many enemies over the years. "What does that mean?" "Have you ever seen the movie 'The Usual Suspects'? Wait and see." JEFF JARRETT IS KEYZER SOZE!

A video package shows Hogan and Jarrett at the same place together a grand total of one time.

THE IMMORTAL JEFF JARRETT vs. TRIPLE H for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Washed up announcer MICHAEL BUFFER is back for the intros. Isn't his 15 minutes up yet? Is that porn goddess Dyanna Lauren in the crowd? Nah. Jeff comes out first because he's not Hulk Hogan. Well, actually, his music starts... but Jeff hasn't come out. Wait, here's BATMAN making his long awaited return. Goody, as if the Vampiro stuff wasn't bad enough, now we have Russo. And now Jeff IS on his way down. He enters the ring and gets his pyro treatment. The nWo theme signals the arrival of Hogan. He heads down with his usual routine. Now he's got the stick! "You know something, Jeff Jarrett? You ARE the chosen one, because I have chosen you to powerbomb your ass through this mat for my brother Big Sexy, so come on down and get your ass kicked, Jarrett!" Jeff has backed all the way up the ramp to the entrance area for some reason. He walks down and heads in... no, he stalls! Jarrett is brilliant! NOW he decides to enter. This begins when JEFF says to begin, you old... JEFF LAYS DOWN! Oh, FUCK YOU, Russo! Russo holds up the belt at Hogan, who looks on with a look of puzzlement. Russo tosses the belt inside as Madden talks about deviating from the script. Russo heads back up the aisle as Hogan gets the stick. "Is this your deal, Russo? That's why the company's in the damn shape it's in, because of bullshit like this." Hogan puts his foot on Jarrett. 1, 2, 3. FUCK! FUCK! SHIT, FUCK, SHIT! FUCK YOU, RUSSO! FUCK YOU, HOGAN! FUCK YOU, WCW! Jarrett walks off without looking back.

Your winner and new WCW Heavyweight champion: Hulk Hogan (match time: 1:18)

The announcers try selling us that we saw a shoot as Hogan walks off.

Here's Vampiro backstage. I guess he wins the graveyard match. He passes by Hogan in the backstage area. Uh...

Your winner of the Graveyard match: Vampiro (match time: we'll say 33:37 )

We cut back to the announcers, who stall as Vampiro's music kicks up. Vamp makes his way down, carrying a microphone. "The dark circle... has now... been... completed. The Demon is dead! I promised the whole world that I would destroy that pain in the ass Dale Torborg and that other pain in the ass Sting, and I did it! Dale Torborg chose to walk on the darkside and he got..." The fans chant for Sting. "And he got BURIED ALIVE!" Colored smoke comes up from the corners. Now here's DRUIDS WITH STING MASKS carrying a casket down the ramp. The fans chant for Sting again. "I told you! Sting is dead! I finished Sting!" Vamp goes outside as the druids set the casket down. Vamp opens it... STING, I guess, pops out and nails Vamp with a bat. "Seek and Destroy" kicks up as Vamp gets put inside the casket. The lights go out and "Sting" (?) disappears, leaving Vampiro asleep in the casket. CAN WE END THIS SHIT, PLEASE?

Gene is now backstage with Goldberg, who plans to make Nash suffer before tearing up Hall's contract and ending the Outsiders.

It goes from bad to worse as Russo makes his way back to the ring. He's got a stick! "There's only one way for me to do this, and that's for me to tell it like it is. You know, 3 weeks ago, I left WCW...". Russo puts his head down on the ropes. Awwww! The commentators look on like puppets. "3 weeks ago, I left WCW... and quite frankly, I didn't know if I was gonna come back. And the reason I didn't know (if) I was gonna come back or not... is because from day one that I've been in WCW, I've done nothing... nothing... but deal with the bull... shit... of the politics behind that curtain. The fact of the matter is, I've got a wife, I've got 3 kids at home, and I really don't need this shit. But let me tell you the reason why I did come back. I came back for every one of the guys in that locker room that, week in, week out, bust their ass for WCW. I came back for the Booker Tees! I came back for every single guy in MIA. I came back for the Animals, I came back for Jarrett, I came back for the guys behind that curtain that give a shit about this company! And let me tell you who doesn't give a shit about this company. That god-damn politician Hulk Hogan! Because, let me tell you people what happened out here in this ring tonight. All day long, I'm playing politics with Hulk Hogan because Hulk Hogan tonight wants to play his creative control card. And to Hulk Hogan, that meant that tonight, in the middle of this ring, when he knew it was bullshit, he beats Jeff Jarrett! Well, guess what? Hogan got his wish. Hogan got his belt and he went the hell home. And I promise everybody, or else I'll go in the god-damn grave, you will never see that piece of shit again! But I also, I sat out there in the people just like you. And I know you paid good money to come here tonight and nobody is gonna be ripped off here tonight. So Hulk Hogan now has the WCW belt. And Hulk, let's refer to that as the Hulk Hogan Memorial belt, because from here on in that belt don't mean shit! Because there will be a new WCW belt... and as far as I'm concerned, that belt still belongs to the one guy that busts his ass week in and week out in the middle of this ring. And you people can love him and hate him, but he doesn't screw anybody back there, and that's Jeff Jarrett!" Boos. "Now hold on a minute. Jeff Jarrett is still the official WCW champion, BUT he will defend that title in this ring tonight. And he will defend that title against the son of a bitch back there who, for 14 years has been bustin' his ass in WCW and can't get a god-damn break because of the Hulk Hogans! And I'm talkin' about Booker T! Booker T and Jeff Jarrett are the two reasons why I'm in this damn, stinkin' business to begin with. So tonight, in this ring, for the WCW title, two deserving guys... Jarrett and Booker... will compete for the WCW, and they'll tear this god-damn house down! And Hogan, you big bald son of a bitch, kiss my ass!" And Russo storms off.

3 things, if I may...

1. Russo's tired of dealing with Hogan? Who booked him into the role of the biggest faces in the company, put him over Billy "we're elevating young talent" Kidman at two straight PPV's, and put him in the title match tonight to begin with?

2. Booker T's been held back because of guys like Hogan? Who's watch did "GI Bro" come under?

3. Booker's been in WCW for FOURTEEN YEARS?

We go back to the commentators and, shock that it is, Madden wastes no time sucking Russo's ass. Tony tells us that it's a "shoot", whatever that means.

A video package shows us Goldberg turning "new blood". New what? Scott Hall appears in some video clips.

BIRTHDAY BOY KEVIN NASH vs. WILLIAM GOLDBERG- The winner here obtains Scott Hall's contract, of course. Nash walks from his dressing room and passes SCOTT STEINER, who's standing face first against a wall. Maybe he's got a freak in front of him, I can't tell. "Hey Scotty, watch my back, babe." "I'm busy, man." "It's for Scott's contract, man, c'mon. Get in the game, all right." "I'm in the game. This is my game right here." Nash lumbers his way through the backstage area until he finally reaches the ring. A sign claims that Nash is "Diesel Powered". I smell a lawsuit! Goldberg gets his usual entrance and has Hall's contract sticking down the front of his tights. He lays the contract down on the announcer's table and Scott Hudson picks it up and examines it. Nash goes out and examines it himself, then tosses it to Madden as he apparently doesn't trust Hudson. Here we go! They lock up and Goldberg forces Nash against a corner. Clean break? Ha! Goldberg hammers away. Nash fires back with some knees and elbows. There's the dreaded barrage! Nash sticks his boot upside Goldberg's head and Bill grabs the leg, then walks out to middle ring and sweeps Nash down. Suplex on Nash. 1, 2, kickout! Tony scores points by mentioning Goldberg's loss to Bret last Fall. Goldberg unloads a few more shots and hits the superkick that put Bret out. Nash hits a chokeslam out of nowhere! 1, 2, kickout! Here's STEINER & MIDAJAH on their way down. Scott grabs the contract as Goldberg applies a chinlock. Steiner tries to fire Nash up by showing him the contract. Goldberg breaks the hold and beats Nash into a corner. Whip to the other side and Goldberg eats a boot on a charge attempt! Side suplex by Nash! 1, 2, kickout! Goldberg backs up... spear misses! Goldberg hits the turnbuckles! Both guys are down, but Nash is up first. There go the straps! Jackknife on Goldberg? STEINER ATTACKS NASH! MY GOD, WHAT A SWERVE! Whatever. Nash hits Scott with a big boot... and Goldberg hits Nash with the spear! JACKHAMMER ON NASH! 1, 2, 3! Goldberg tears up Hall's contract and Steiner hooks on the Steiner Recliner for good measure. Where was the DQ for Steiner's interference? Steiner and Goldberg now appear to be allies.

Your winner: Goldberg (match time: 5:29)

Mean Gene stands by with Booker T, who plans to answer the knocking of opportunity. Gene can dig it.

We go back to the announcers for some reason. Note to WCW: All 3 guys are ugly. I don't want to keep looking at them.

JEFF JARRETT vs. BOOKER TEE for the WCW World Heavyweight championship - So is Jarrett a 4-time champion, or did the loss to Hogan never happen? Hell if I know. We go back to MICHAEL BUFFER, who already has a script mentioning the history making events we've seen tonight. Yep, sure it's a shoot. Booker enters without incident. Jarrett comes out with the title belt... hey, I gotta remember to get one of those TracFones. I think that's the real belt Jeff has, as opposed to the newer one he's been using lately and that Hogan took earlier. You can tell by the bent piece on the top. So to Russo, "new belt" means "the old one"? He climbs inside and we're ready to go! Booker tries getting the crowd fired up. Tony confirms what I said about the belt. Thanks, Tony! There's the bell! Jeff ducks between the ropes to avoid contact. They lock up and exchange holds, neither guy getting the advantage. They do it again with the same result. Booker shoves Jeff down! Jeff does a go-behind and Booker spins it into a headlock. Jeff powers out and applies his own headlock. Booker throws him off they run the ropes. Booker hits a dropkick that sends Jarrett outside. He takes a few seconds and then comes back in. Right hands to Booker. Booker reverses a whip, Jeff slides under a clothesline, HARLEM SIDEKICK! Jeff goes outside and Booker hits an axhandle off the apron. They brawl into the crowd, following the same path Awesome and Steiner did earlier. Jarrett gets whipped into a wall. Booker drags him back through the people and Tony claims that "every seat is taken" in the arena. Yeah, Tony. They come back to ringside and Jarrett lands a chairshot to the back. Booker gets thrown over the announce table! Tony and Madden scatter like rats! JARRETT HITS A PILEDRIVER ON THE TABLE! Yes! The table doesn't budge. Jeff climbs back up onto the table and takes a big swig of bottled water. Is he the spokesman for that water, too? I'll buy it! Jeff rolls Booker back in and puts the boots to him. Booker fires back! Sleeper by Jarrett! The announcers start talking about the guts and athleticism it takes to be world champ. See, that's how stupid these shoots are. Earlier we're talking about "creative control" in the match, but now they're playing it like this is a legit fight where either guy can win. Booker slumps down to the mat. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they're talking to each other. Arm drops once! Twice! But not three! No, sir! Booker fights up and unloads! Jeff raises a boot to avoid a corner charge... and back to the sleeper! Booker fights out and he's got his own sleeper. Jeff breaks free with an atomic drop to the knee! Figure Four time? Yes! NO! Booker with a small package! 1, 2, kickout! NOW the Figure Four is on. "Booker T" chant can be heard. Booker's shoulders are down. 1, 2, kickout! Jeff keeps the pressure on. Booker reverses! Jarrett's in the ropes. Jeff goes back to the legs and does the "put the leg on the bottom rope, sit on it" spot. He tries again and Booker moves his leg. Jeff lands on his ass! Booker fights back! Kneelift... "AHHHHHHH!!!"... AX KICK! He spins up! Spinebuster! 1, 2, kickout! Whip to the ropes, Jeff hangs on. Booker dives with a Sidekick and crotches himself on the top rope. Jeff unloads the 10 punches of death! He tries to whip Booker out, they reverse, and the ref gets bumped against the corner. Jeff grabs the belt! Booker ducks a shot and takes it himself. He nails Jeff! Cover! The ref goes over. 1, 2, kickout! Tony says if the ref hadn't gone down, Booker would be the champ. No, Tony, if the ref hadn't gone down Booker wouldn't have used the belt. Let's THINK here. Jeff lands a low blow and goes back outside, grabbing a chair this time. He puts it between the top and middle turnbuckles. Jeff tries running Booker in and Booker reverses! Jeff eats the chair! 1, 2, kickout! Booker tries a backdrop and eats a big uppercut. Jarrett nails the ref! THERE'S THE STROKE! Choke on that, slapnut! Jeff low blows Booker again and goes for the gee-tar! Jeff goes up top... Booker catches him! ROCK BOTTOM! Another ref is in. 1, 2, 3!! Booker T wins the world title! Huh. He celebrates and the crowd can dig it! Madden tries to quote Tony's "go to hell" line to Hogan from 96 and gets cut off. Booker's the champ! Watch Nitro!

Your winner and new WCW World Heavyweight Champion: Booker T (match time: 13:40)

Final Thought:

As I type this, there's still debate going on as to whether the Russo/Hogan thing was a work or a shoot, although most are accepting that it was a work. If you ask me, it doesn't matter. Suppose it's a shoot. For the reasons I mentioned back up under his interview, Russo must be the most delusional sum'bitch alive if he really thinks that he's been helping guys like Booker T and working against politicians like Hogan. I don't know about you, but I don't want a guy that warped in charge of my wrestling company. And if it's a work, Hogan will be back, Bischoff and Russo will be in top spots... exactly what shouldn't be happening.

It's nice seeing Booker T get a chance to shine, although it sort of came out of nowhere. He literally went from the mid-card to being world champ in one show. It's like if Eddie Guerrero won the WWF title this past week on Raw. Yes, the fans know he's talented and that he deserves to be elevated... but main eventing on one secondary TV show doesn't quite do it. And putting a cloud on the entire thing is the fact that Jeff Jarrett likely becomes the only man in history to JOB THE WORLD TITLE TWICE ON ONE SHOW! Jeez! What's next?

All that aside, the show was pretty decent. With the one exception of the HORRIBLE Vampiro/Demon crap, nothing on the show was any less than "eh". But since the big angle is, again, the main point of focus here... it's hard to judge it not knowing where that will end up. If it's a shoot and Hogan's gone, I give the show a thumbs up for the matches and the elevation of Booker T. If it's an angle and Hogan's coming back, I lower it to a thumbs in the middle for just being another chapter in Russo's same old "we're elevating new talent... wait, no we aren't" story.

That will do it for Bash at the Beach. Stay tuned (ideally somewhat close to the time you read this) for a special Year in Jones retrospective! All the wacky hi-jinks and fun we've been a part of this past year, condensed nicely into one easy to swallow capsule. (Heh heh... I said "swallow".) See you then!


Chris Jones
[slash] wrestling

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