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Chris Jones



Yes, I know this is rather late... but I've got a good reason, I swear!

See, I was gone for Thanksgiving and I didn't get back until after the PPV. So then I had to wait for a friend of mine to get his tape of the show to me. But by that time, I had volunteered to cook for a nursing home and read to some blind orphans and... okay, okay, enough of the excuses. But since this is so late, to make up for the delay you have bravely suffered through, I come bringing gifts for this most festive of seasons. That's right, an extra BONUS recap of E!'s Women of the WCW special, which should be right here on [slash] as we speak. So enjoy... because nothing says "happy holidays" like fake breasts encased in spandex!

Meanwhile, let's get this show on the road. Even though it's late, I was still a Mayhem virgin going into the actual viewing. And I haven't seen but fleeting moments of WCW since this show, so hey, it's almost like the PPV just happened. Sit on back and enjoy.

WCW logo

Earlier today, Booker T was swarmed by a group of not at all planted, no siree nope, "fans" as he entered the arena. Booker signs an autograph or two and then says he's gotta focus on Scott Steiner, but he promises he'll give autographs to the rest of them after the show. Ha, sure he will.

Meanwhile, the only person to greet Steiner and Midajah upon their arrival was Fit Finley. Scott signs in by smashing a table with a bat. He didn't have a pen, I guess. Steiner then takes the bat to the phony computer equipment that seems to find it's way into every WCW PPV before flipping the table over completely.

Here's a look at the "Caged Heat" cage! Insert your own porno joke!

The opening video package claims that Scott Steiner is nutty. Also tonight, Lex Luger jobs to Goldberg and it's the long-awaited return of the Vegas Connection!

We fade into the arena where we are LIVE from the US Cellular Arena in Milwaukee, Wisconsin! Cheering! Pyro! Tony running his mouth!

Earlier on this evening, CEO FLAIR was out to kiss the crowd's ass. Does nobody in WCW remember that the last time Flair had power it went to his head and he ended up in the nuthouse with Scott Hall and Nurse Asya? I mean, come on.

IRON MIKE SANDERS VS. KEY WEE (with Paisley) for the WCW Cruiserweight Championship - Hey, when did the not-Canadian Team Canada guy lose the belt? Paisley has on a bikini top that allows for ample cleavage, good for her. As always, I say "Kiwi" because it's easier to type and less gay. While Kiwi and Paisley enter we see clips of Kiwi doing some things over the past few weeks. Mike Sanders gets similar clips as he walks out, including shots of Goldberg squashing him. Sanders has the stick! "I understand you're the #1 contender for the Cruiserweight belt, but man, I... I don't even know you anymore. You're coming out here dressed in pretty in pink. Let me show you how we handle our beeyotches." And there's a backhand to the face. Kiwi comes back with a Thesz press! They run the ropes and Kiwi hits an armdrag. Dropkick! Clothesline to the floor! Sanders rolls up the aisle and here comes JOB SQUAD 2000 to help him. The referee holds Kiwi around the waist and Mark Jindrak hits Kiwi with a springboard clothesline, which the ref quickly turns around to avoid seeing. The Thrillers work over Kiwi on the floor. Jindrak and O'Haire do the double throw over the top and Sanders catches Kiwi in a powerslam! Hold the phones... here comes MENG and Paisley follows him with a giant afro wig on. Meng goes after the Thrillers... there's a double Death Grip! The others attack Meng but he refuses to break the hold. Sanders chokes Kiwi inside the ring. Now CEO FLAIR & SECURITY are on their way down. Security breaks up the brawl while Flair is apparently ordering everyone backstage. Back in the ring, Sanders kicks Kiwi in the chest. Flair has indeed removed everyone from ringside... well, Paisley's still there. Madden says it's because she has big breasts, which we get a close-up of. Kiwi fights out of a chinlock and hits a springboard sunset flip! 1, 2, Sanders is out and he clotheslines Kiwi back down. A cover gets 2. Sanders puts on a Million Dollar Dream and Kiwi starts fighting back up. He breaks free with a belly to back suplex. Paisley shouts in advice as they exchange punches. Kiwi hits a big kneelift. Clothesline! Backdrop! 10 punches of death! Sanders ends up on the apron and Kiwi tries a sunset flip to the floor... but Sanders counters with a headscissors. Paisley climbs onto the apron and talks smack at Sanders. Then she pops him! Kiwi takes her afro wig and puts it in Mike's face while he hammers him. Paisley comes in and hits a springboard elbow. Um... why is that legal? Kiwi rushes Sanders and eats a boot. Mike hits a... something or other. The 3.0, says Madden. 1, 2, 3! Sanders celebrates with the title.

Your winner and still Cruiserweight champion: Mike Sanders (match time: 7:50)

OBSCENE GENE is backstage with Ric Flair. Ric doesn't give us the "MEAN... BY GOD" routine, unfortunately, but he does tell us that only managers and valets are allowed at ringside tonight.

Disco Inferno and Alex Wright talk with Kronik. Disco's still injured but Konnan isn't here for the match later. Disco wants Alex and Kronik to face Kidman and Rey, so he hands over a load of cash. Kronik says it's enough for one of them. Disco says that instead of one of them for 15 minutes, how about both for 8? Wrath specifies it to 7:30 and they have a deal.

Quick questions: who can't see this finish coming... and who wants to see Kronik wrestle for almost 8 minutes?

Now Gene is standing by with Evan Karagis and Jamie Knoble. Evan starts babbling about being a gangsta in North Carolina and, listen to this shocking development, Jamie's also from NC. Word up, homey. Evan talks about this cheerleader he used to kick it with and Jamie looks perturbed... oh, it'll bet it's Jamie's SISTER! Sure enough, it IS his sister, and Jamie knows how Evan used her and kicked her to the curb. Suddenly Evan doesn't want to talk about the past and he walks off. "I think he played my sister, Gene." Gene works in an inbreeding joke after Jamie walks off.

Crowbar is backstage pimping on Nitro Girls Baby and Chiquita. If you can't recognize them as easy as I can, then dammit, you haven't read my "E!'s Women of the WCW" recap available right now on the [slash]. Get to it! Anyway, Crowbar's got a match to prepare for, so the tang will have to wait. He jives into his dressing room where some flowers and a card await him. "Good luck. Tonight I'll be watching".

Why, I bet they're from DAFFNEY! Or... uh... ACE DARLING!

3 (?) COUNT vs. THE JUNG DRAGONS vs. THE NORTH CAROLINA GANGSTA PARTY - 3 Count is out first. Sugar Shane's got the stick! "You know... we saw that little promo in the back, when Evan's talking about driving his Cadillac. Sugar Shane's talkin'... you SHUT YO' MOUTHS." Slight boos. "Anyway, Evan, when you're ridin' that Cadillac with all those little teeny boppers, they all stay the same thing. Your stick shift is just too... small." You know I'm tuned out to this when my first thought is "what model Cadillac has a stick shift?" Now Shannon steps up to the mike! "Hey Milwaukee, since Shane just told you guys just how much we love Evan Karagis... " and they recoil in mock disgust... "we're gonna do what we came here to do and that's entertain. So all you people get ready for the hottest band in the world. 3 Count!" And they proceed to dance until, surprise surprise, some music interrupts them. Here come the... OH MY HOLY LORD look at Kimona! Woo Hoo! Of course, we cut to clips of past action with the Dragons rather than focus on Kimona and her awesome outfit. And finally, here comes Evan and Jamie... "Noble and Courageous", hee hee. The Dragons rush Evan and Jamie in the aisle and 3 Count joins the fray. Evan and Jamie eat the railing and the Dragons get rolled inside the ring. They avoid 3 Count backdrop attempts and hit double reverse atomic drops. Shane and Shannon are whipped together and they stop to dance. The Dragons get the same treatment and they bow, then backdrop 3 Count out to the floor. Jamie and Evan are in to clean house. Evan and Kaz end up in the ring and Evan unloads some chops. There's a powerslam! 1, 2, Kaz escapes. Evan unloads some boots and tosses Kaz straight up in the air on a backdrop, then he does his "pimpin' hos in North Carolina" dance. Shane gets tagged in and he and Evan slug it out. Thesz press by Evan! He unloads punches. There's a shot for Shannon on the apron. Evan tags Jamie and they double team Shane. Jamie goes to work on the arm and... CLOSE-UP OF KIMONA, GOOD GAWD. She's got this bikini top with saran wrap and... it's tremendous. Shane fights up and makes a blind tag to Shannon. Shane grabs Jamie in a German suplex and Shannon hits a spinning heel kick at the same time. Madden calls it the "X Plex", although I'm not sure why. Shannon tries a Rocker Dropper and Jamie powerbombs him. Yang gets the tag but quickly tags Kaz. Yang does a backflip kick against the corner on Shannon, then Kaz hits a SPRINGBOARD back brain kick! YES! Kaz misses a wild kick but manages to hit a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Shannon counters a whip with a kneelift and there's the Rocker Dropper. Tag to Shane who comes in and hits a German suplex... ahh, he hooks the arms to make an "X", I see. Jamie runs-in and breaks up a pin, then Shane knocks Jamie to the floor. Kaz hits a roll-up while the ref is keeping Evan outside. They exchange pin attempts until Shane hits a gut-wrench suplex. He goes up top... top rope sunset flip! Kaz rolls through and unloads a Tajiri-like kick to the face! Tag to Yang. Shannon goes down! Evan goes down! Comedy offense on Jamie! Shannon is in with a Billy Gunn sleeper-into-a-slam, which Madden says Shannon just invented. Evan hits a Juvi Driver on a Shannon and Kaz breaks up the pin. Brainbuster on Evan! 1, Jamie breaks it up. Tombstone on Kaz! 1, 2, Shane breaks it up! WHY is the ref counting all these pins? WHO'S LEGAL? Shane hits some move on Jamie and Yang drags Shane to the floor before the three. Head scissors on Shane. Now we hit the "everybody jumps onto the pile on the floor" portion of the match. Yang hits a corkscrew Asai moonsault to finish things off. WAIT... Kimona is in! She goes up top and does a cross body onto everybody! You GO, girl! Jamie drags a ladder out from under the ring... why is there a ladder there? A series of baseball slides prevent the ladder from getting inside. Yang DDTs Shannon on the inside. Yang goes up top! Jamie is in to crotch him on the ropes. Jamie tries a superplex and Shane pushes him into the ring from the apron. Shane climbs up on top and leaps OFF Yang's shoulders to splash Jamie! 1, 2, Evan breaks it up and throws Shane to the floor. Evan goes up top with Yang and Kaz lifts Evan on his shoulders. Yang dives as Evan rolls up Kaz, but Yang nails Shannon and the ref counts TWO pins. Oh, fuck you. The Dragons and Shannon end up alone in the ring. Kaz gets pulled outside and Shane runs-in to do some sort of neckbreaker/Samoan drop on Yang! 1, 2, 3! Were they legal? Who knows?

Your winners: 3 Count (match time: 10:53)

We quickly go backstage to see Mike Awesome laying on a broken table as Bam Bam works him over with a chair. The Wall rushes over to make the save and then checks on Mike.

PAMELA PAULSHOCK talks with Disco, Alex, and Kronik. Disco predicts victory in under 8 minutes, but Kronik again says 7:30. Let's hope it's not that long. Pamela gives us some lame one-liner about Disco's credit to close things out. Gene's interview closing jokes I'll tolerate, but Pam's not even showing cleavage tonight.

Here's a shot of a leg cast... it's attached to Jimmy Hart, who's standing by with Mean Gene. He does some cheap heat on the women of the crowd and insists that his leg injury is legit. Gene says it's as fake as Major Gunns'... and he's cut off. Apparently somebody thought it'd be funny to have the interviewers do "comedy" for us this evening. Jimmy says he needs to find 3 Count when a guy runs in and says Jimmy's needed in the ring.

The Natural Born Thrillers argue around a desk.

MANCOW (with entourage) VS. JIMMY HART - Because once a year isn't enough for this classic match, we get it again tonight! Mancow heads into the ring and grabs the stick. "All right, Milwaukee!" The crowd actually chants for him. "Awesome! Wait, wait, let me tell ya somethin'. Ric Flair told me since this is a non-sanctioned match, I can have some of my morning madhouse crew here, so they're hanging out with me... Turd and Freak and the rest of the losers." We see a rather large-gutted shirtless man who has a stripe shaved down his chest hair. "Let me give you a little setup of how I came here tonight to be in Milwaukee, a city which I love. A city where this radio show's #1. I'm interviewing Goldberg, my good friend, about his new book... and Jimmy Hart is talkin' crap. That's when the crap has to end, it's gonna end right here tonight. He's already in a leg brace. Jimmy... where's Madden, that fat son of a bitch? Brian Wilson lookalike. You better stop talking this shit! You fat tub of spit." Madden reacts with disbelief. "Okay, all right, Jimmy Hart, come out here right now. It's time to meet your destiny." I don't want to see him wrestle in the least, but Mancow cuts a decent promo. Jimmy Hart heads down to the ring on crutches. He steps into the ring, putting all the weight on his bad leg, and gets the stick. "First of all, I'd like to apologize to all my millions of fans out here tonight. And Mancow, you are the greatest radio personality in the world, and I just wanna shake your hand. If you'll give me two more weeks, I'll be able to get in the ring with you, I promise." Mancow spits in Jimmy's extended hand and grabs the mike. "You know what? You're like Al Gore. You don't know when to say good-bye! I'm George W. Bush... and I've already kicked your ass! You pathetic little son of a bitch. These people came here tonight to see a fight, and I'm gonna give it to 'em. I may kick you right in your chad, your hanging chad." Jimmy nails him with the crutch and we're off. Two of Mancow's guys clothesline Jimmy down. Here's 3 COUNT out to lay out Mancow's guys. They lay in some boots to Mancow, who sells none of it. Jimmy goes low and starts stomping Mancow down. 3 Count works over the freaks on the outside as Mancow wacks Jimmy with a crutch. Off comes the cast. Mancow wacks Jimmy with it and covers. 1, 2, 3. Madden demands a recount. Shoot me, please.

Your winner: Mancow (match time: 1:39)

Mike Awesome has been loaded onto a stretcher backstage with his neck in traction. Crowbar stands over him, showing concern.

The Misfits discuss Flair's decision to ban everyone from ringside. Hugh says he wants his match with Lance Storm 1-on-1. He says they'll keep their "new attitude and new look" and he passes out new t-shirts. Wow, nothing says attitude like a new t-shirt! Flair enters and asks for a private word with the Wall.

Why, I bet he'll be fighting Bam Bam!

Speak of the devil, Bam Bam is having a conversation with Lance Storm somewhere in the back. What could they be talking about? Stay tuned!

Pamela stands by with the Filthy Animals sans Konnan. Rey says Konnan's not here because of too much partying.

CROWBAR VS. RENO (with kendo stick) VS. NO SELL VITO (with stickball bat and a bag of tricks) for the WCW Hardcore championship - As Vito enters we see some random clips of hardcore matches. WCW has brought back the "Vito's sister Maria" angle, it would appear, because sister angles mean RATINGS. Just ask Ken Shamrock and TAKA. Madden says her name is "Marie", actually, which seems like a pointless change. Reno enters to some more clips, some of which we JUST SAW. Garbage cans have been put on the ringposts, I guess to ram home that it's a hardcore match. Vito and Reno stand in the ring and the ref calls for the bell. Huh? Isn't this a 3-way? They start brawling... and here comes Crowbar, doing a running limp down to ringside. He grabs a garbage can lid and goes to work on Reno only to be kicked down by Vito. Madden says Crowbar has a torn abdominal muscle. Ow! Reno is tossed outside and Vito throws Crowbar out on top of him. Stick shot for Crowbar! Stick shot for Reno! Vito holds the title belt high and then smashes both guys with it. He rolls Reno inside and works him over. Crowbar nails Vito with the kendo stick, but Vito fires back with his stickball bat. Vito goes to his bag and pulls out an orange traffic cone. He puts it in Reno's crotch and nails it with the stick. Stick-assisted Russian leg sweep on Crowbar! Vito puts the can lid on Crowbar's nuts and smashes it with the stick. Reno's up and he nails both guys with the can lid. Crowbar hits a German suplex on Reno and then chokes him with a stick. Vito nails Crowbar with the can lid. There's a kendo stick shot to the back of Reno. Vito and Crowbar exchange shots until Reno nails Vito from behind. Crowbar jabs the bat into Vito's chest as Reno tosses one of the garbage cans into the ring. More work on Vito with one of the kendo sticks. Crowbar pulls Vito up so he and Reno can double team him. They flapjack Vito onto the garbage can! Reno turns on Crowbar with a bat shot, then he gives Vito a few. Reno dumps Vito to the floor and follows out after him. Stick shot to the back. Vito fights back and rocks Reno with punches. Crowbar comes out and gets nailed by a Vito stick shot. Vito and Reno brawl up the aisle to the backstage area. Vito drags Reno further into the back. This seems stupid on Vito's part since the Thrillers can interfere as they wouldn't be at ringside. Crowbar appears and takes a trash can shot. Reno clears off a table and powerslams Vito onto it! Here's MARIE-UH crouching in front of Vito. Reno tries to move in with a chair and Marie tells him to leave Vito alone. Crowbar moves in and smashes a chair of his own into Reno's chair, knocking Reno flat. Cover! 1, 2, 3! Crowbar wins! He heads back out into the arena and celebrates.

Your winner and still Hardcore champion: Crowbar (match time: 7:50)

Buff Bagwell asks some woman where the equipment truck is. She gives up the info and Buff walks off laughing. Does Buff have a sister? Surely we could work another sister into some angles. It'd be better than seeing his mom again, that's for sure.

DDP and Kevin Nash share an intimate moment. DDP says "shit outta luck" because, unlike the young guys, HE can do it without getting in trouble.

Mean Gene talks with the Cat and Ms. Jones. The Franchise is gettin' beat, fool, now somebody call the Cat's momma. Cat says if he loses he'll kiss Shane's feet and leave the country for 30 days. Well, I guess he'll be winning then, won't he? Cat drags Jones off camera. "Miss Jones, I could rock your world, sweetheart. A little shot of vitamin Gene and she'd be up all night!". Why beat around the bush, let's get out the "amateur night" brick wall backdrop and issue a two-drink minimum while we still can.

KID-MAN & LIL' REY (with Tygress) vs. ALEX WRIGHT (with Disco) & THE APA - The "P" stands for "pot". The Filthy Animals enter without incident. Alex and Disco head to the middle of the ramp and wait on the arrival of Kronik as... aw hell, Tygress joins the commentators. Adams shows Disco a stop watch to hammer home that they'll only wrestle for 7:30. What, no timer on the screen? Everybody's in and we're underway! Alex and Kidman start off... no, Alex tags out to Adams. Disco has words for the broadcasters as Adams launches Kidman like a dwarf. Kidman manages a frankensteiner and he hammers on Adams, who fights Kidman off. Adams tries a press slam and Kidman goes to the eyes, but Adams grabs him... full nelson slam! Alex gets the tag and he covers. 1, 2, Rey breaks it up. Alex works on Kidman but misses a corner charge. Kidman does a springboard headscissors from the apron! Alex rushes over to tag Wrath. Rey also gets the tag and gets beat down. He runs circles around Wrath and manages to trip him down. Springboard legdrop! 1, 2, kickout! Rey goes to the apron... Wrath catches him and SPIKES him down! There's the stopwatch... time for them to go yet? Wrath misses a corner charge and Rey goes to the middle rope. A frankensteiner attempt is met with a powerbomb. Wrath prepares for the Meltdown and Alex demands the tag. There's a delayed suplex on Rey. Kidman breaks up a pin and Alex tags Adams back in. Big boot on Rey! Alex is tagged back in and he covers. 1, 2, Kidman breaks it up again. Alex puts Rey against a corner and chops him. Alex tries a corner charge and eats a boot. Headscissors by Rey! The word "papi" is being said WAY too much on commentary for my tastes. Rey runs the ropes and gets met with a spinning kick. 1, 2, Kidman breaks it up again. Alex goes to make a tag... and Kronik refuses, looking at the stop watch. Um... they've got at least another minute by my watch, but I'm not going to complain. Disco tries giving them his jewelry for more time as Kidman and Rey double team Alex. Kidman has been tagged, apparently. Alex finds himself in bronco buster position... but first Kidman hits a baseball slide into the nuts. NOW comes the bronco buster. Kidman throws Alex into the ropes but Alex kicks him off. Overhead belly to belly on a charging Rey! Kidman slips out of a slam and hits a sky-high! He holds Alex for a "wazzzzup" legdrop from Rey. 1, 2, 3! Disco protests at ringside as Tygress finally leaves the commentary table.

Your winners: Kidman & Rey Misterio Jr. (match time: 7:48)

The Thrillers talk about how they're gonna "set it off". Sanders has something special planned for the tag match. I know I'M excited.

Mean Gene stands with Scott Steiner and Midajah's massive cleavage. Steiner rambles about Booker T.

DEAN DOUGLAS (with Whorrie Tilson) vs. THE KAT (with Ms. Jones - not my sister) - Shane and Torrie head down... what's this I hear about Torrie leaving WCW? And why is she not showing cleavage? Shane's got the stick! "Cut the damn music! Now Milwaukee, I've had the misfortune of sitting in the back tonight ready to puke my guts up as I listen to the Cat tell the world he's gonna kick my ass all over this building. Well, let me let him in on a little secret. First of all, Milwaukee, what you're looking at is twisted steel and sex appeal, the first couple of sports entertainment. I don't lay down for anybody and Cat, the list of people, the list of names that said they're gonna kick my ass in the last 20 years is one HELL of a long list. And tonight you'll find out why you'll become part of that list, Cat. Come on down and get your ass FRANCHISED." Out comes the Cat and Ms. Jones, who's carrying a briefcase of some sort. "Hey, turn that damn music off! Franchise, I'm gonna tell you sumthin'. I came here tonight not to just kick your ass, but since you a twisted steel and sex appeal, I'm gonna kick yo' ass all over Milwaukee!" Cat rushes the ring and we're on! He hammers Shane and floors him with kicks. Shane rolls outside and Ms. Jones kicks him upside the head. Cat follows Shane out and throws him onto the announcers table. Now the Cat chokes Madden! Douglas fights back and the Cat nails him with a water bottle before throwing him back inside. Torrie grabs the Cat's foot and he kicks her off, but Shane takes advantage with a... well, now we're watching Madden try to recover as Stevie Ray laughs hysterically. Shane slams the Cat and taunts Ms. Jones. Stomp to the Cat's nuts. Shane chokes Cat over the second rope and backs away to allow Torrie some shots. Cat fights up to his feet and Shane goes to the eyes. An elbow takes the Cat back down. Shane puts on a head vice. Cat fights up... he jives and breaks free, but Shane takes him back down with a knee. There's an elbow on Cat as Madden screams for Shane to rip the Cat's head off. Cat fights up out of nowhere. There's the 10 punches of doom... no, Shane counters with a reverse atomic drop. Shane hits a double arm suplex for a 2 count and goes back to the head vice. Cat fights back up again and breaks free. Shane for a sunset flip... Cat crotch chops him and hits a punch! There's dancing and an elbow. Cat does the splits and hits an uppercut! 1, 2, kickout! A double arm thrust takes Shane back down for a 2 count. Shane goes to the eyes and tries a whip but Cat reverses... and hits the Feliner! Cat is spent and falls into the ropes and Ms. Jones shoves him off onto Douglas. 1, 2, kickout! Torrie attacks Ms. Jones! Jones reverses a whip into the railing and then throws Torrie into the ring. Torrie takes a kick to the gut and Jones takes her down... is that a Tazmission? Well, we finally get a cleavage peek at Torrie, anyway. The ref gets the women out and it looks like Shane has something in his hand now. They actually zoom in on it and we see it's a chain. Cat pulls Shane up and Shane nails him! 1, 2, Cat gets a foot on the ropes. Shane gets up in the ref's face and shoves him. The ref shoves Shane into a schoolboy from the Cat! 1, 2, kickout! Shane is up and he stomps all over Cat. Shane tries a DDT and Cat grabs the ropes to block it. Both guys are down. Ms. Jones goes into the briefcase... it's the ruby red slippers! She puts one on Cat's foot. Torrie throws the chain back in to Shane... he misses it and Cat kicks him! 1, 2, 3! Cat does the James Brown celebration with Ms. Jones.

Your winner: The Cat (match time: 8:01)

Here's JEFF JARRETT backstage! I wasn't thinking he'd be on the show, who's he fighting? He comes across two guys and several broken guitars. They don't know what happened but they saw Buff leaving. He's fighting BUFF? Aw, Christ.

Pamela talks with the Misfits. Hugh gets his last chance at Lance Storm tonight. It's not about the US and Canada, it's about the belt! Lash calls Major Gunns a bitch. If she's not a Misfit anymore, why keep calling her "Major Gunns"?

"OUR WORLD IS ABOUT TO CHANGE... AGAIN." Hmm. "BLOOD RUNS COLDER". What the HELL? Tony expresses the same feeling, ruining it for me. "GLACIER - THE ICE AGE RETURNS TO WCW AGAIN".

My GOD, will the Cat and Wrath have to say about this?

BAM BAM BIGELOW vs. POOR MIKE AWESOME (?) - Bam Bam heads out as the announcers speculate that the Glacier promo was a rib. Yeah, sure. Bam Bam's got the stick! "See, it's come to my attention that Mike Awesome has been sent to the hospital. So I have no opponent... therefore, I declare myself the winner and this match is a forfeit." Bam Bam asks the ref to raise his hand and Flair's music fires up. Here's CEO FLAIR out again. "Bam Bam, this is WCW, it's a pay-per-view, pal. You're signed up to wrestle tonight. We got 10,000 people here came to see you wrestle." Just TRY counting all the things wrong with that last statement. "And as much as you would like to think you make the rules, you don't. Now I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe you were involved in Mike Awesome's problem. So because I don't want you to go home without earning your money tonight, and I don't want them to go home without seeing you wrestle, I got a surprise and a match for you, big man. WHOOO!" And here comes SGT. A WALL (with table), what a shocking development! Wall puts the table down at ringside and here we go! Wall forces Bam Bam into a corner and unloads on him. There's some choking and biting by the Wall. Wall tries a whip and Bam Bam knee lifts him. A Samoan drop gets Bammer a 2 count. Bam Bam tries a corner charge and he eats a boot. Wall rams Bammer's head into the mat. Stevie asks why Wall brought a table when this isn't a hardcore match and, as such, tables aren't legal. Good lord, Stevie, do you WANT to be fired? Quit pointing out the plot holes. Wall hammers Bam Bam some more. He puts on a sleeper and sits up on the top rope for added leverage. Wall breaks and hits a clothesline off the middle rope. Cover! 1, 2, kickout. Wall tries a belly to back suplex and Bam Bam lands on top of him. 1, 2, kickout. Bam Bam hits a DDT... he goes up top! TOP ROPE HEADBUTT... misses! Wall hits a big boot! Another puts Bammer down. Bam Bam counters a back drop attempt and they brawl around pointlessly. Both guys are blatantly gasping for air. Bam Bam goes for the Greetings from Asbury Park and Wall falls down to the other side and forearms Bam Bam down. Wall goes for the table! He slides it inside the ring and sets it up. There's a spinebuster on Bam Bam. He's got Bammer in a choke! Bam Bam breaks it... Greetings from Asbury Park!! 1, 2, 3! Wall rolls outside and Bam Bam falls back to the mat. Quick, get that man some air.

Your winner: Bam Bam Bigelow (match time: 5:37)

Bam Bam is still down and the ref calls for help. The fans chant "table". Stevie Ray goes up to check as a stretcher is rolled down. The announcers play it up as serious a bit better than the "Stacy Keibler has tummy pains" bullshit.

Mean Gene talks with Buff Bagwell, who holds a broken guitar. He mocks Jarrett. Shut up, Buff.

Bam Bam's been loaded onto a stretcher with his neck supported. We're told that he's just dizzy and disoriented. Then why is his neck being stabilized like he's seriously injured?

A video package details some of the history between Lance Storm and General Rection.

Bam Bam is still at ringside on a stretcher.

MR. PERSONALITY LANCE STORM (with Major Gunns) VS. HUGE ERECTION for the WCW United States championship - Ahh, Bam Bam's still here and we saw him talking with Storm earlier on, so... they've done ANOTHER fake injury angle, fantastic. Lance has his ribs taped up and Gunns is in a non-Canadian flag outfit. "If I could be serious for a minute... Ric Flair has stated that tonight is the last match between Rection and myself. Which is why I'm out here against doctor's orders. I am so eager to put those MIA clowns behind me, I'm willing to risk my own personal health. Rection always talks about fighting through concussions and bad knees. I'm out here with four cracked ribs and a bulging disk in my back. I'm not making excuses and I'm not complaining about it." The announcers tell us that isn't really the case. "Rection, I've taken your best friend, I've taken your girl, I've taken the title. The only thing I haven't taken from you is your country... and that's because I don't want it. Why would I? I'm from CALGARY... ALBERTA, CANADA. Show some class and respect and rise for the playing of the Canadian national anthem." The announcers talk all over the song as we see Bam Bam finally being rolled up the aisle. The Misfits theme cuts off the anthem, wottashock, and Hugh walks down past Bam Bam... who hops off the stretcher and attacks him. Refs force Bam Bam backstage and Lance goes after Hugh to start the match. Hugh eats the ringsteps and Lance eventually rolls him back in. A dropkick to the shin takes Hugh down. Lance attacks the leg as Major Gunn watches on with her trademark wedgie. Lance drags Hugh to the corner and smashes Hugh's knee on the ringpost. We cut to a shot of Major Gunns and cut back to Lance flying into the guardrail. Hugh rolls out and bounces Lance off the railing, but Storm dropkicks the leg again. Lance rolls him back in and puts on a reverse crab of some sort, but Hugh is nearly in the ropes from the start. More leg work follows. Hugh starts fighting Storm off. Lance tries a corner slide and ends up racking himself on the post. Rection goes out and crotches Lance again. Gunns grabs Hugh's leg on the way back in and Lance dives in with a chopblock. Storm starts slapping Hugh upside the head. Hugh fights back! A suplex attempt is countered by another leg kick and Lance hits the suplex himself. 1, 2, kickout. Storm tries the cover again and Hugh kicks out. Hugh starts fighting back again. He springs up off the ropes on a whip and Storm superkicks him down. A running charge from Lance is met in a powerslam. Hugh slowly climbs up top and Gunns crotches him on the ropes. Lance climbs up behind him... Hugh elbows him off. MOONSAULT! 1, 2, 3! That was anti-climactic. Hugh holds the belt high as Gunns stares on with shock. Replays show us the finish.

Your winner and new United States champion: General Rection (match time: 6:25)

Mike Sanders tells security to head home. Wow, this oughta be good.

We finally see our hosts for this non-stop excitement, STEVIE RAY & TWO SAD SACK SUCKAS, who wonder about the dismissal of security. Still to come, the main event!

Next month, it's Starrcade! I fast forwarded through the ad, but I'm just guessing that they say "you can't imagine it until you see it live" in it somewhere.

THE CHO-CHO-CHOSEN ONE (with no gee-tar) VS. BUFFY THE GUITAR SLAYER - Jeff comes in and celebrates his one year anniversary of getting pyro added to his entrance. What the hell is he doing fighting Buff on PPV? Jeff's got the stick! "Listen up, you Milwaukee slapnuts. The chosen one has a little something to say about the stunt Bagwell tried to pull in the back. See, Buff, I realize you're only dealing with a few brain cells. Hell, just take a look at you and your damn hat. Need I say more? You thought you were gonna pull a fast one by smashing my guitars in the back. Well, Bagwell, that's what separates me, the superstar, from a slapass like you." Pause for crowd noise. "Bagwell, it's like this. When you're the chosen one, when you have all the stroke around here, you come prepared for anything and everything. And let's just say... I came prepared. So once again I'm gonna prove to the whole world that you ain't the stuff and you're just a big damn goof. So choke on that, Bagwell." The announcers wonder what "coming prepared" means as Buff heads out to get his ass kicked. We see clips of Jarrett and Buff brawling on Nitro. Tony actually has a memory and points out that Buff got the first guitar shot upon Jarrett's return to WCW last year. Jeff has backed up the aisle while Buff poses. He heads back to the ring and here we go! Well, first Buff flips Jeff off. A lockup sees Jeff get shoved down, so he quickly goes on the attack and takes Buff down. Buff ducks a clothesline and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Jeff tries a corner whip and eats an elbow. Vader Bomb by Buff! 1, 2, kickout. They trade hiptoss attempts until Jeff gets thrown to the floor. Buff follows him out and they brawl around ringside. Buff grabs a foam guitar from a fan and smashes it on Jeff's head. Jarrett goes low and takes Buff down. Jeff's got a chair! Chairshot to the back! There's one to the gut! And another! Jeff rolls Buff inside and the puts the boots to him. There's a second rope fist drop. Jeff puts Buff across the middle rope and does the running squash. What, no strut? Jarrett goes to the floor and elbows the prone Buff across the throat. Back inside Buff ducks a clothesline and Jeff hooks on a sleeper. Buff starts to fade. Arm drops once... twice... but not three! No, sir! Buff fights to his feet and throws Jeff into the ropes. Now Buff's got a sleeper... but Jeff hits a suplex to break his way out. Jeff tries another second rope fistdrop and gets caught with a raised boot! Buff slumps over the ropes and Jarrett tries the running squash... and gets crotched! Buff fires back. There's the Shitty DDT! Buff calls for the Blockbuster. He's up on the ropes... Jeff ducks it! Both men are down! Jeff is up first and he moves in on Buff. He tries a corner charge and eats a boot. Buff goes up... tornado DDT! 1, 2, kickout! Jeff slides away from a clothesline and ends up clipping the referee. Jeff dumps Buff to the floor and grabs another chair! Here comes DAVID FLAIR out of nowhere. He kicks Jeff... DDT on the chair! What is this shit? David scatters as Buff crawls back in. 1, 2, kickout! Buff yells at the ref for the count and then goes up top... high cross body. Jeff rolls through! 1, 2, kickout! Buff turns a slam attempt into a reverse DDT! 1, 2... kickout! Seemed like the ref stalled for a second there. Buff agrees and he gets in the ref's face again. Jeff tries a cross body of his own and Buff ducks away, causing Jeff to fall to the floor. He goes under the ring... he's got a guitar!! Buff leans out to pull him in... KABONG!!! Jeff crawls inside. 1, 2, 3!! C'mon, don't tell me they're gonna feud him with David Flair.

Your winner: Jeff Jarrett (match time: 11:09)

We see clips of Nash and DDP giving young guys the rub. Or so they're saying, I'm sure.

THE PERFECT EVENT VS. THE VEGAS CONNECTION for the WCW World Tag Team Championship - Out comes MIKE SANDERS to ringside. Hey, I bet the Thrillers will fill the security positions for the match. Sanders hugs Madden and takes a seat at the table. DDP gets about halfway down the ramp before Nash heads out to join him. They head to the ring and pose. Out come Perfect Event... and, wow, THE OTHER THRILLERS follow them in security shirts. WHAT A BRILLIANT PLAN, Flair will never be able to do anything about this! Somebody shoot me. Sanders joins the security team and leaves commentary as a "We want Hall" chant fires up. Nash and Palumbo start off. Nash goes for the Jackknife about 3 seconds after they first make contact and Palumbo scurries to the floor. He heads back in and they lock up. Nash forces Chuck into a corner and Chuck gives him a cheap shot. Nash fights back and there's the dreaded barrage. Director's square, crotch chop, big elbow. Palumbo tries springing off the ropes on a corner whip and just gets Snaked Eye for his trouble. Nash does the running squash against the ropes. But Stasiak nails him afterwards! Nash pops Stasiak and DDP throws Chuck to the floor. The Thrillers try to regroup at ringside. They all try rushing the ring and Nash and DDP fight them off. Here's CEO FLAIR & SECURITY on their way down again. Sanders shows a card to Flair which apparently allows him to stay, but the other Thrillers are removed. Sanders takes a headset to tell us that he has a manger's license. There's actually a match going on here somewhere... DDP and Palumbo are in the ring. No, wait, Stasiak gets the tag and DDP quickly kicks his ass. Nash and DDP beat Stasiak back and forth a bit. Palumbo nails Page from the apron, but DDP hauls off and nails him. Stasiak manages to hit a DDT. 1, 2, kickout. Stasiak hits a swinging neckbreaker and makes a tag. Double slingshot suplex on DDP for a 2 count. Chuck works over DDP a bit but ends up getting clotheslined down. 1, 2, Stasiak breaks it up. They try a double team whip and DDP escapes. Stasiak goes down. Chuck hits a superkick and in comes Nash to break things up. Chuck covers once Nash is gone and gets 2. Tag to Stasiak. DDP tries a sunset flip and pulls down Stasiak's tights to show us his ass. Stasiak doesn't fix it fast enough. They trade pin attempts before Shawn hits a clothesline. 1, 2, kickout. A jumping elbow takes DDP down. 1, 2, kickout. Chuck gets the tag and goes up top. He hits a standing DDP with an elbow! A cover gets a 2 count. Palumbo argues with the ref. Nash nails Chuck from the apron but Chuck gets in a big kick on Page. DDP ends up in the Event's corner and Chuck works him over. Page fights out and floors both guys. He tries to make a tag and Palumbo takes him down with a drop toe hold. Tag to Stasiak and they do a wishbone on Page. 1, 2, kickout! "SHIT!" Calm down, Shawn. Stasiak hooks on a front face lock and DDP fights his way up towards Nash... there's the tag! But the ref was distracted by Palumbo. DDP gets double teamed before Chuck hooks on a sleeper. Page goes down but quickly fights back up. He breaks free and puts on his own sleeper... then both guys kinda fall backwards. Page ends up on top and gets a 2 count. Both guys crawl towards their corners. Tag to Nash! Palumbo and Stasiak get squashed. Down go the straps. DIAMOND CUTTER on Palumbo! JACKKNIFE on Stasiak! 1, 2.... Sanders pulled the ref out. There's a Diamond Cutter on Sanders! The ref slides back in. 1, 2, 3! You know, I thought 8 or 9 years ago that these guys should be given a tag title run, so I can't help feeling somewhat proud here. Wait, it passed.

Your winners and new Tag Team Champions: Kevin Nash and DDP (match time: 14:54)

Pamela stands by with Lex Luger, who gives Pam a lecture on how to interview. Goldberg's going down.

A video package tries to convince us that this Goldberg streak is as interesting as the last one was.

BRING BACK LIZ VS. WILLY GOLDBERG - I can't express how dumb it is that WCW is losing so much money, yet they keep bringing that crooked son of a bitch MICHAEL BUFFER in every month. As Lex enters I notice the graphic says "The Total Package Lex Luger", so I guess the whole "just call him Total Package" thing has died. Did they do a funeral sketch for it this time, too? Goldberg heads out of his dressing room and gets the lengthy entrance routine. He finally makes it to the ring... and we're underway! Madden clears some things up by saying that the streak stipulation can only be ended by Vince Russo, even though they should have bailed on it months ago to build Goldberg up for Starrcade. And even though he's still got over a hundred to go. They lock up and Goldberg takes the advantage by going after Lex's arm. Lex fights back and hits a back suplex, which Goldberg no-sells. Luger goes to the ropes and the ref tries to keep Goldberg back, letting Lex get a thumb to the eyes. Goldberg absorbs some blows and fires back like nothing happened. I haven't read it, but I hear Goldberg's book makes him sound like a total jerk who takes himself way too seriously. Lex gets in a shot with the loaded forearm. A clothesline sends Goldberg to the floor. Lex follows and hammers Goldberg around ringside. They go back inside and Lex smashes Goldberg with double ax handles. Goldberg reverses a whip into a powerslam and he starts hammering Lex in the face. Goldberg sets for the spear... Lex pulls the referee in the way and Lex and the ref both go down. Goldberg pulls Lex up. Jackhammer! Another ref is in. 1, 2, 3! That was terribly exciting.

Your winner: Goldberg (match time: 5:52)

The cage starts to lower! FEEL the anticipation!

We see a video package of Booker and Steiner. Is that the same one from the top of the show? Eh, I don't care enough to find out.

THE ROCK VS. PILL POPPER PUMP (with The Lovely Midajah) in a Caged Heat match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Buffer spits out the intros again. Steiner makes his way into the cage and poses. Midajah has a pipe and two giant breasts with her. Out comes Booker and the second he steps inside the cage, Steiner rushes him. The cage door is locked shut. Booker takes the advantage and hammers Scott around ringside, this cage being a Hell in a Cell that allows such action, if you didn't know. Booker runs off Midajah and rolls Steiner inside. Scott is on the attack as soon as Booker enters. We see that a straight-jacket hangs above one of the corners as Stevie tells us that Booker made him promise not to interfere, regardless of what happens. Booker catches Steiner with a kick and takes him down. Harlem Sidekick! 1, 2, kickout! "AHHHHHHH!!!" A suplex attempt is blocked and Steiner crotches Booker on the top rope. They go outside and Booker gets bounced off the cage. Steiner hits a Steinerline back inside and drops down to do pushups. Scott hits a backbreaker and puts the boots to Booker. There's the spinning belly to belly! 1, 2, kickout! Steiner applies a surfboard. Booker fights up and breaks free. He catches a Steiner boot. Booker unloads a kick to the gut... and Steiner hits a Steinerline to prevent the ax kick. Scott sits Booker up on the top buckle. SAMOAN DROP from the middle rope! 1, 2, kickout! Now Steiner applies a bear hug. Midajah watches on. Booker tries fighting out and Steiner gives him a reverse atomic drop. There's a running clothesline from Scott. Booker ducks another clothesline and hits a flying forearm! Booker goes up top... MISSILE DROPKICK! 1, 2, kickout! Booker goes up to the straight-jacket... and Scott catches him with a belly-to-back off the ropes. Now Steiner goes after the jacket and has to stand on the top rope to be able to reach it. He's got it... but Booker returns the favor and drops Steiner off the top. He tries putting the jacket on Steiner... but he can't get him in it, I guess. Booker drops a knee and tries the jacket again. Stevie Ray screams at him to go for the win. Booker gets the jacket on but fails to lock Scott's arms behind his back, which is sort of THE POINT of a straight-jacket. Booker goes out and grabs a chair. Chairshot to the head! Steiner goes down! He starts tugging at the jacket and pulls off the sleeves. WOW! JUST LIKE IN THE PPV COMMERCIAL! Booker rushes him and eats a Steinerline. Scott tosses the jacket off and there's the STEINER RECLINER! Booker manages to reach the ropes... but Steiner pulls him back out! Booker raises up with Steiner on top and tries to hit a stun gun, only Scott landed on both feet and then simply fell into the ropes. Overhead suplex by Steiner. Scott goes to the second rope... Booker catches him! ROCK BOTTOM! After a few seconds Booker drapes his arm over for the cover. 1, 2, kickout! There's a neckbreaker on Steiner... who gets right back up. A clothesline puts Scott down for 2. There's the ax kick! Steiner crawls over and grabs the chair Booker brought in the ring. Booker spins up to his feet and Steiner cracks him with the chair! Full nelson slam on Booker! And there's the Recliner again. The arm drops once... twice... three times! Steiner wins! He briefly poses with the belt before grabbing the chair again and working over Booker's knee. Off comes the knee brace as several referees come out. One eats a chairshot! Steiner goes after Booker's knee again and we're out. Watch Nitro!

Your winner and new WCW champion: Scott Steiner (match time: 13:08)


I really don't know if my opinion of a WCW show means anything anymore (assuming it ever did), since I'm clearly not the type of person that WCW is trying to entertain these days. When I mentioned at the beginning that I hadn't seen much of WCW lately, it wasn't because of conflicts or anything of that nature. It's just that I'm really uninterested in their product. I'm assuming that this state is temporary until they get bought and we try another "new era", so hopefully that will come sooner than later.

As for the show, I thought it was boring. Not good, not bad... just borning. There's too few guys on the show who I'm interested in seeing. And even ones who I do enjoy, like Jeff Jarrett or Lance Storm, seem to be moving back rather than forward in the overall scheme of things.

But with all that said, we're already got another PPV coming as Starrcade is this weekend. And don't worry, that review should be up much faster than this one.

Until then... adios!

Chris Jones
[slash] wrestling

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