/WWF Fully Loaded
|WWF Fully Loaded
|Guest columnist: Xavier Doom
WWF FULLY LOADED '99
(Fade up picture. Cue music. Bring up background audio. Cue announcer.)
Tonight -- First blood, and the stakes are high: Steve Austin takes on The Undertaker. Tonight -- The Rock and HHH battle for the top contender's spot. Tonight -- X-Pac and the Road Dogg fight Billy Gunn and Chyna for the rights to the DX name.
Tonight -- I mock television news headlines, and recap WWF Fully Loaded for CRZ.net. I may even try to sell lemonade. Yow!
Before all that, I suppose I'm required to introduce myself. Most of the stuff I've read so far here at CRZ.net is from guys who are just debuting. So, there's a lot of Hi, I'm (whomever) -- which is cool. After all, introductions are nice. Being human, we don't have to do that animal kingdom thing and greet by sniffing asses.
Hey, there's a joke in there somewhere.
So, greetings. How ya doin'? I'm Xavier Doom. Webmaster of Xavier Doom's Slayground, a modest little site dedicated to macramé and wrestling. Well, okay, there's no macramé... yet. Of course, my real name isn't Xavier Doom. It's Mitch Scheiße. But Xavier Doom sounds so much more, I dunno, nouveau wrestling.
In addition to running my own site, I also contribute to DDT Digest, a fabulous WCW fan page. Yeah, I know, it's not cool to follow WCW right now. But somebody's gotta do it. Besides, every time I do a report for Bill (the guy who runs DDT Digest), he sends me a piece of cherry pie by first class mail.
(No such expectation of you, CRZ. My cholesterol is waaaaaaaay up there already.)
So, on with the business at hand. Fully Loaded. Straight from Buffalo. Buffalo, home of underdog teams that almost win championships. So close, yet so far away. Hey, Buffalo -- it was a goal -- get over it.
First order of business -- you may want to check out the Fully Loaded previews posted here at CRZ.net a few days ago. You may not. Don't listen to me! What the hell do I know?
Alright... getting back to our main event tonight: Steve Austin vs. The Undertaker. Again.
Austin must make this one count. If Austin wins, Vince McMahon has to remove his own brain with a rusty hunting knife! Oh, wait... I'm wrong. My notes say he has to stay off television. Oh, here we go... if Austin loses, he has to remove his own brain with a rusty hunting knife!
Should be good GTV material, kids.
So, it promises to be a decent card. Or does it? Crap. I don't know. Let's start this sucker rolling.
Just gotta grab my remote, another bottle of Upper Canada Wheat beer and some pants. Because you never know when the guy's gonna come by to read the gas meter.
OPENING MONTAGE -- A MARRIAGE OF PRETTY PICTURES AND DRAMATIC MUSIC
Wubba-wubba-wubba-wubba... I love that WWF music. And the images are neat, too. Wonder if we'll find out who the Hummer driver is tonight? Oh, wait. Wrong company.
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are your announcers. Jim's all hyped up on something. He says something just happened to Austin on Sunday Night Heat. They go to the tape -- The Undertaker attacks Austin backstage!
Austin is thrown into concrete pillar and is busted open. Oh no! Our man Steve is hurt! How can he possibly win the first blood match?
Backstage again -- Shane and Vince deny they put the Undertaker up to it. Uh-huh. You can hear an "asshole" chant rising from the arena.
So, we're ready for our first match. Someone call out the Fink.
Match 1: JEFF JARRETT (with Debra and her breasts) vs. EDGE (without breasts)
---Intercontinental title match---
In case you didn't know, Edge won the Intercontinental belt the night before in Toronto, his "hometown." Edge is actually from a place called Orangeville, which is just outside Toronto. Anyway, Jarrett is pissed off. Hey, Edge wasn't his scheduled opponent in the Toronto match, apparently. Jarrett says says "no puppies" for anyone. Well, nobody was getting them anyway, Jeff. Well, maybe Steve Austin. Anyway, I suppose I should call the action. The match is on. Some exchanges early, waistlocks, trips, headlocks, switches. Double-J takes a boot to the mush. Edge with a backslide. Edge whipped to the corner, he fakes a leap off the rope, and then catches Jarrett in a sunset flip. Kickout. Jarrett leaves the ring and grabs the belt. Back up, Edge tosses JJ into the post. JJ pulls Edge outside. JJ tosses Edge into the steps. Back in the ring, and JJ keeps up the offence. Edge ducks JJ, and gets a two count with a northern lights supplex. Edge to the corner, he springs over JJ and clutches his left leg after his landing. Edge is in trouble. Double-J works over the leg. Edge regains the advantage momentarily, but JJ kicks him through the ropes and into the post. Jarrett stomps down Edge. Choke on the ropes. JJ misses an elbow off the ropes, but locks on a sleeper. Edge drops JJ into the corner. JJ pancakes Edge. He covers -- two. JJ misses a clothesline, but locks another sleeper. They rest awhile. Edge shows some life. He gets out and tries his own sleeper. He's flipped over the back and hooks Jarrett for two. Another pin attempt. Two. JJ pushes Edge into the corner. Edge bounces off, and they collide. Edge falls on Jarrett, headbutting his groin. Cover. Two. Edge gets the better of an exchange, and then hits a spinwheel kick. A little bit more brawling, and Edge hits the tornado DDT. He signals for the spear, but JJ flips him out of the ring. The lights go out. The Brood's music starts up. When they come back on, Edge has knocked out Gangrel. Back inside, Edge pulls off several moves, leading to three two counts. Edge with the spear. Debra to the apron to break up the count. Edge approaches. JJ and Edge hit each other. Debra is bumped off the apron. Gangrel snaps Edge over the ropes. JJ catches Edge in a forward Russian leg sweep. 1-2-3. Jarrett regains (13:21). Edge is now the shortest-reigning IC champ of all time, taking the honor from fellow Canadian The Mountie, who held the belt for two days before losing it to Roddy Piper at Royal Rumble '92.
Backstage, Austin is stitched up. He runs out and JJ is still in the ring. He clears the new champ out and promises to find the Undertaker to bust him open. The crowd eats it up. Yum!
Match 2: ACOLYTES vs. THE HARDY BOYZ & MICHAEL "Formerly Sexy" HAYES
---No DQ, WWF tag team title match---
Acolytes to the ring. Backstage, Hayes says he's ready to lead the champs by example. The teams meet on the entranceway. Lots of brawling. Bradshaw and Farooq get the better of it. Bradshaw flings Matt into the steps. He then clotheslines Hayes. Farooq holds up steps and Bradshaw flings Hayes into them. The bell rings to start the match. The Hardys are in trouble. Jeff ducks Farooq in the ring and leaps over the top rope onto Bradshaw. Nice. Matt with a moonsault onto the Acolytes outside the ring. Inside, the Hardys work over Bradshaw. Bradshaw outside. He catches Matt, but Jeff dropkicks them down. Then, it's Farooq's turn to take punishment. Supplex on Farooq, and a senton leads to a two-count. Farooq hits a spinebuster slam on Matt as the participants get on the apron and the match settles down. Bradshaw in, and he clobbers the Jeff some more. Farooq tagged. Backbreaker. Two. It goes on until Hayes is tagged in. Bradshaw with a boot to Hayes' face. More brawling from the Acolytes. Hayes kicks Farooq, and tags in Jeff. Slam by Farooq. Two. Bradshaw catches the Hardy on the top and slams him down. Jeff survives pin attempts. Farooq with a chinlock. Farooq sets up for a piledriver, and all five men are in. Suddenly, it's just Farooq and Jeff, who nearly gets a pin after a stone cold stunner. Lots of brawling -- it's hard to keep up. Bradshaw puts Jeff on the top for a belly-to-back superplex. Matt breaks up the pin, and nails Bradshaw with a walking stick. Two. Bradshaw catches Jeff in mid-air with a clothesline. The pin is broken up. The Acolytes double powerbomb Hayes. Pin, and another title change. (9:34)
Match 3: D'LO BROWN vs. MIDEON
---European title match---
D'Lo out first. Mideon out. Even with the championship belt, he looks sad. He must miss the other Godwinn. Ross says something has happened with Austin. Back to the ring, D'Lo talks smack to Mideon. Mideon with a few punches, and he looks exhausted already. D'Lo gets the advantage. Series of punches in the corner. Irish whip, clothesline over the top. D'Lo with a baseball slide and then a tope. He smacks Mideon some more. Then Mideon gets the advantage, and D'Lo is the third guy into the ring steps. D'Lo thrown back in after he tastes the guard rail. D'Lo fights back, but gets a short-arm clothesline from Mideon. Two. Powerbomb by Mideon. Two. Chinlock, er sleeper. Ross says Austin is on a rampage backstage. D'Lo escapes the sleeper, and is trapped in a neckbreaker. Kick by Mideon. Choke on the ropes. They exchange punches, kicks, chops, etc. Mideon comes out on top. Whip to the rope, and D'Lo gets two on a sunset flip. Mideon with a clothesline, and more choking. D'Lo kicks Mideon out of the corner twice. Tornado DDT. Two. Mideon wih an eye rake. D'Lo with a powerbomb. Leg drop. D'Lo to the top. Frog splash. 1-2-3. Another new champ. (7:10)
Match 4: AL SNOW vs. BIG BOSS MAN
---Falls anywhere, Hardcore title match---
Poor Al. The Hardcore champs says he wants the pain to go away. He can't stop hearing voices since a spike was put through Head. Ross says Al can't sleep and that he hasn't seen such tired eyes since Swede Hanson. Swede Hanson, you finally made a pay-per-view and the Internet. Anyway, Snow meets Boss Man on the entranceway, and asks him to put him out of his misery. Sure, says the Boss Man. But first, he pounds on the spike. Al goes nuts. What follows is several minutes of brawling. Nothing spectacular. They go into the back where they toss each other into all kinds of stuff. Boss Man almost calls Al a piece of shit. Al takes a pot of hot coffee and dumps it on the Boss Man. Supplex by Al onto a table. In an amusing spot, Boss Man finds a football down marker (set to first down) and hits Al with it. He then changes it to fourth down, and punts Al in the gut. Boss Man gets into a golf cart, and threatens to run over Al, but he can't get it started. Al hits Boss Man with a... small potted tree. They fight through a hallway. Al gets the advantage, but Boss Man takes them both outside. Boss Man drops Al on the concrete with a bulldog. Two. Al grabs a hubcap and hits Boss Man. Al complains that all he wanted was Boss Man's help, and hits him with a traffic cone. Boss Man regains the advantage and hits Al with a brick. Two. Boss Man stands on Al's hair and pulls on his arms. Al nearly wanders into the path of a car. Boss Man takes them across the street, and throws Al into a fence. He handcuffs Al to the fence, and Al begs him to make the voices stop. Boss Man beats Al with his night stick. The ref counts the pin against the fence. (10:13) Another new champ. An unconscious Al is smiling.
Match 5: THE BIG SHOW vs. KANE
---Hardcore Holly is your special referee---
Before the match, Holly says he'll be fair with both men, and that if they give him any trouble, he'll slap them around. In the ring, Holly lays down the law for TBS and Kane. The Show attacks Kane before the bell. Holly gives him hell for it. TBS and Kane exchange punches. The Show scores the first good move of the match -- a press slam over the top and to the floor. Outside, TBS tosses Kane into the corner post. Inside, Kane puts a foot up to stop a charging TBS. Kane hammers the big guy in the corner. Holly warns Kane, and TBS takes advantage. TBS chops Kane in the corner. Whip to the other side, and he pounds Kane some more. It appears as though all the weight Kane has lost recently, Paul Wight has put on. The Show drags Kane's face along the ropes. He chokes Kane in the corner with his boot. TBS with a forearm across the back. Kicks. Clothesline. Knee to the groin. No warning from Holly. Headbutts. The Show walks on Kane's chest. Kane recovers long enough to catch a TBS boot to the face. TBS with a powerslam. Holly is telling The Show to hook the leg if he wants to win. TBS with a Russian leg sweep. TBS misses the elbow. Kane with a series of punches. DDT. Holly accuses Kane of pulling TBS's hair. Kane to the top. Clothesline. He signals for the chokeslam. Holly chop-blocks Kane. TBS with a chokeslam, and Holly counts a quick three. (8:10) X-Pac comes out and hits Holly with a roundhouse kick. The Undertaker is out, and he chokeslams X-Pac. Undie and TBS beat down Kane. So... where's Austin?
There he is! Undie leaves ringside, and Austin ambushes him backstage. He busts open the Undertaker. The playing field is level. Both men are wounded.
Match 6: KEN SHAMROCK vs. STEVE BLACKMAN
---Iron Circle match---
To the parking garage... a circle of cars and a bunch of wrestlers are pounding on the hoods and honking horns. Both men enter the circle. Shamrock gets the initial advantage, tossing Blackman onto a car's hood. The men brawl, slamming each other into the cars. Blackman with a low blow. Martial arts kicks from Blackman. He grabs a chain and tries to whip Shamrock with it. Shamrock moves and regains the advantage. Blackman grabs a tire iron from a car, and misses Shamrock. They brawl some more -- it's all they can do in this environment. Shamrock uses a trashcan. Shamrock takes the chain, and wraps it around his hand. He hammers Blackman and then chokes him. That's it. Shamrock leaves. (4:32) For what it was, it wasn't bad. I guess.
Match 7: CHYNA & MR. ASS vs. ROAD DOGG & X-PAC
---Winners get the rights to the DX name---
Gunn and Chyna are wearing trunks that are largely made of sheer material. That's more of Mr. Ass than I want to see. The Dogg does the usual pre-match stuff. Chyna wants to start against Road Dogg. Chyna with a headlock. She knocks down the Dogg with a shoulder. Another headlock, another shoulderblock. Chyna accidentally bumps Mr. Ass twice. Dogg tries a pumphandle slam, but Chyna escapes. Mr. Ass is in. "Asshole" chant. Billy gets the advantage. Dogg with the advantage. Whip to the corner, and Mr. Ass gets the advantage. He stomps down Dogg. Chyna in. Kicks. Forearms. Boot choke. Snapmare. Kick to the back. Elbow drop. Another. Two count. Road Dogg tossed face first into Mr. Ass's boot. Gunn in. Jackhammer. Billy makes a rude gesture with Mr. Genitals. Ass to the top. He tastes Doggy boot. X-Pac in. Roundhouse kicks on both opponents. Ass drops X-Pac over the top rope. Two count. Should have been three. Ass with several punches. Chyna in. Punch. Kicks. Forearm. Chinlock. X-Pac escapes, but Chyna grabs him and slams him down for two. Choke over the ropes. X-Pac is in trouble. He makes the hot tag, but the ref was distracted. X-Pac double teamed as the Dogg yaks at the ref. Gunn with a neck twist on X-Pac. He gets out, but gets powerslammed. Lawler says he may get himself some trunks like Mr. Ass. Chyna does something impressive -- she nearly hits a handpring elbow, but X-Pac clotheslines her. Double tags. Gunn and the Dogg battle it out. Road Dogg with a series of fists on Chyna, followed by the knee. Ass in. X-Pac in. X-Pac with the bronco buster on Chyna. Chyna rolls out, and pulls down X-Pac. This causes Ass to miss an avalanche. Road Dogg grabs a stunned Mr. Ass in a pumphandle slam, leading to the pin. (11:45)
Match 8: THE ROCK vs. HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY
---Falls anywhere strap match; winner is #1 contender for the WWF title---
HHH out first. He tries to look intense. The Rock gets on the Titan Tron. He cuts a great interview, saying that HHH should stop whining about how he's been held back. "The Rock says they didn't keep you at the bottom of the barrel just cuz you wanted to say goodbye to your roody-poo friends in Madison Square Garden. No. The Rock says they kept you at the bottom of the barrel because you absolutely suck." Amen. The Rock says he's sticking the strap right up HHH's ass. Now, that's worth $30!!! The Rock goes to the ring, and they duke it out right away. The Rock with the initial advantage. He pounds down HHH in the corner. The Rock absorbs a "Rocky" chant. He pulls HHH into the corner post with the strap. HHH with a series of punches. He swings the strap at Rocky, but misses. The Rock slams Helmsley into a table, and then tosses him onto the Spanish announce table. More back and forth brawling. HHH drops The Rock on the table. They go back in. HHH telegraphs a backdrop and gets a kick. Helmsley with a clothesline. He chokes Rocky with the strap. "Rocky" chant. Outside, more brawling. The Rock tosses HHH into the steps. He slams his head into the stairs. The Rock throws Helmsley into the ringside area. The Rock keeps the advantage, and they fight into the first row of the stands. HHH off the railing, and he pounds The Rock some more. They walk around ringside some more, until The Rock whips HHH into the railing. "Rocky!!! Rocky!!! Rocky!!!" HHH pulls Rocky into the railing. Rocky drops Helmsley on the railing. They walk toward the back. The Rock whipped into a prop. Two count. "Rocky!!! Rocky!!! Rocky!!!" HHH whips The People's Champ®. They are now in the entrance way. HHH with a choke, and he tries a vertical supplex. It is reversed. Rocky covers. Two, but it looked like three. HHH reverses a whip into the rail. Two, but it looked like three. They stumble back to the ring. Helmsley sticks with the brawling (not that he has much choice). HHH whips Rocky in the ring. Rocky fights back, but HHH keeps the advantage with an eye rake and a knee. Chyna walks out. HHH with some feeble stomps. Helmsley talks smack to the ref as Chyna climbs the apron. The Rock uses the distraction to tug the strap, and pulls HHH into a Rock Bottom and he covers. But the ref is distracted. HHH with a low blow. Helmsley goes back to his fabulous punches. HHH to the top. He hangs Rocky with the strap in the corner. The ref checks Rocky. Rocky revives himself. He pulls Helmsley off the top. Both men are down. Both men get up. Helmsley gets the advantage. Rocky uses the strap to pull HHH into a clothesline. He hot shots HHH, and catches him in a Samoan Drop. HHH yanks The Rock's trunks, dumping him outside. Helmsley takes off the strap. Rocky is slammed into the railing. HHH goes looking for treasure, and finds a chair. He goes to whack The Rock, but gets whipped. Back inside, HHH regains the advantage, but Rocky with a DDT. The count looked a hell of a lot like three. But the ref calls it two. Chyna distracts the official, and Billy Gunn runs in and hits The Rock with a club. HHH covers. Two. The crowd goes nuts. Helmsley mauls The Rock. The Rock with a low blow, a slam, and it's time for The People's Elbow®. Wham. Cover. Gunn pulls on the strap to break up the count. Gunn in, and he's caught in a Rock Bottom. But HHH traps Rocky in the pedigree. 1-2-3. We have a new #1 contender. (19:22)
Match 9: STEVE AUSTIN vs. THE UNDERTAKER
---WWF title, first blood (with special stipulations listed below)---
So, if the WWF Champion Steve Austin loses, he has to remove his own brain with a rusty hunting knife. If The Undertaker loses, Vince McMahon has to poop in a clear plastic bag and wear it around his neck forever. Okay, okay, the truth. If Austin loses, no more WWF title shots for him. If Undie loses, Vince McMahon must stay off television forever. Uh-huh. I like my stipulations better. Vinny Mac and his crutches make their way to the ring. He sits next to Ross and Lawler. The Fink intros him as a guest announcer. "Asshole" chant. Undie is shown backstage. No cut is visible, but apparently, it is a few inches above the hairline. After he comes out, Austin follows. He's been stitched and bandaged. They brawl a bit, and Austin goes for Undie's head with the title belt, but misses. Undie pushes Austin into the railing, and Austin covers up his cut as Undie punches him. Austin over the railing into the crowd. They trade punches. Undertaker again with the beatdown. Again, Austin protects his head. Elbow to Austin's head. They walk to the outside of the ring. 'Taker digs into Austin's head and tries to slam Austin into the steps. Undie knocks Austin over the railing and throws the steps at him. He misses. Luckily, no fan was hit. 'Taker keeps the advantage. He mauls Austin with punches. Austin fights back. He picks up the stairs, but Undie punches Austin in the gut, and the stairs are dropped. The wrestlers go back to ringside. Undie tosses Austin onto the announce table, and McMahon leans at him. 'Taker rips at Austin's head. Eye rake by Austin. They finally roll into the ring after nearly five minutes. Boot choke by Undie. Kick in the gut. Undie with a handful of Austin's face, and he knees the champ in the ribs. Roundhouse to Austin's head. Choke on the ropes, Austin is in trouble. Choke by Undie. Punch. Whip to the corner. Undie misses a boot to the face, and Austin works over his left leg in the corner. Austin rips at 'Taker's face. Austin works over the leg some more. 'Taker gets up on weak legs and misses a clothesline. Austin takes out the leg. He stomps it some more. Austin wraps Undie's left leg around the post. Bong! He does it again. He nails Undie in the face and goes for the legs. Undie kicks Austin over the rail to the ringside seats. Undie grabs a camera cable and chases Austin. They exchange punches. Austin tries to whip 'Taker to the railing, but Undie reverses. Austin goes over the rail. Austin is slammed on the Spanish announce table. Undie finds a chair. He swings, and misses twice. The third time, he is tripped and hits the stairs face first. Austin slams him into the stairs a few more times. Vinny Mac looks concerned. Austin chokes him with a cable, and then grabs an electric fan, hitting Undie in the face. Back in the ring. Austin telegraphs the backdrop and is tagged. Undie bumps the ref. Austin tries the stunner, but Undie escapes. 'Taker trips over the ref and gets his arms tangled in the ropes. Austin gets a chair, and Shane McMahon comes out to make the save. Austin whacks him. Austin approaches Undie with the chair, and Undie kicks him. The ref helps 'Taker out of the ropes. Undie with a low blow, and he kicks the fallen champ. 'Taker steps on Austin's head. Austin with a low blow of his own, and a stunner. Vinny Mac hobbles to his feet. He tries to hit Austin, who leaps outside the ring and gives Vince a punch/face scrub that looks like it could have hurt. Austin grabs another chair. He enters the ring, but Undie hits him in the ribs with the first chair. Chair shot to the back. 'Taker shoves the ref on his ass. Undie readies the chair, and X-Pac enters the ring. He roundhouse kicks Undie's chair into him. Austin grabs a television camera and plasters Undie in the face with it. He clobbers Shane McMahon. Undie is bleeding. The ref is down. Undie and Austin brawl. Undie sets up for a tombstone, and the ref sees the blood. It's over. (15:41) Undie strikes the ref. Austin knocks down Undie. Vince inside. He catches a stunner for his troubles. HHH comes out. He beats down Austin with some of the saddest looking kicks I've ever seen. This guy is over? Geez... Ross: "That Helmsley is nothing but a bastard." The Rock comes to the rescue. He chases Helmsley from ringside. Undie starts ripping up the ringside area. Austin and Undie brawl. Both are bloody. Shane gets in the way, and Undie strikes him. Security breaks up the brawl after several more punches are thrown. In the ring, Vinny Mac is practically crying. Austin rolls inside, and offers to shake hands. Vince accepts, and you know what's next. Stunner.
Total time of bell-to-bell action on the card: 1:39:48
That's it. Next: SummerSlam. Austin vs. HHH. And Jesse will be there.
Maybe I will be, too. Hope you enjoyed the report.
As Baron Von Raschke used to say: "That is all the people need to know." Those of you unfamiliar with Baron Von Raschke should know that he was a roller coaster ride in Delaware.
Okay, that's it. When I start writing stuff like that, I'm done.
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