|by: Marvellous Martin
WWF - InsurreXtion
We are LIVE from Earls Court, London for WWF InsurreXtion, brought to you by the staple of every English diet, Baked Beans (no, really). Your commentators are Jimmy Ross and Jerry Lawler (he ain't no king over here baby!)
The crowd is at a fever pitch as we tumble headlong like so many small rolling things into our first match:
TOOL COO vs. SATURN & MALENKO
Tool Coo start off strong against Saturn, but he and Malenko gain the upper hand. Lots of brawling. Unfortunately a misunderstanding leads to an argument between Saturn and Malenko. Saturn shoves dean and Scotty roles him up, Saturn just making the save. Scotty catches Malenko up top and hits a desperation superplex. Both men struggle to their corners and Saturn and Grand Master Sexay are in, Sexay is a house o' fire. Saturn gets punched down in the corner and Malenko gets hit with a face buster for the DOUBLE WORM from Scotty on both heels. Saturn and Malenko recover and attempt to whip the faces into each other. A reversal leads to Saturn accidentally hitting Malenko and then he is ejected from the ring. One Hip Hop Drop later and the walking joke gimmick that nobody gets walk away with the three count and the win.
Malenko and Saturn argue and brawl afterwards until refs break them up. JR makes the first lame UK reference of the night, "they look like a couple of pitbulls out there, or a couple of ENGLISH TERRIERS!" I hate you JR.
Sign: "Beans means Vince". I suppose you might need to be English to get that. Its funny, honestly.
Vince comes out and basically says London is crappy and a member of his family is going to walk out champ tonight. Blah.
Like a rat out of a big rat-gun, he comes our next match with bullet-like power:
BULL BUCHANAN vs. KANE
Bull attacks before Kane can ignite the ring posts!! Kane no-sells and takes Bull down. DDT from Bull, zombie sit up! Kane taken down and hit with the scissors kick, then a big leg drop for 2. Kane comes back until Bull hits a cheap shot. He goes to the second rope and launches himself straight into Kane's hand!! CHOKESLAM!!! Kane get the pin. "BOOOOOOOOM!!!!!" go the ring posts.
Triple H-uh and Stephanie are seen talking backstage, HHH is glad Vince is backing him but Steph ain't so sure.
Like an emergency room after a really big explosion somewhere, its all go here folks!!! Here's:
ROAD DOGG W/ TORI vs. BRADSHAW W/ FAROOQ
Two tears in a bucket? Fucking hell. Tori distracts Bradshaw in the ring. Things spill outside and Tori distracts Bradshaw again, unfortunately for Dogg he gets jumped by Farooq who is promptly sent to the back by the ref! Bradshaw takes it to Dogg in the ring, hitting a floatover suplex (!) for two. Bradshaw throws Dogg around and pounds his useless ass. Torture Rack applied to Dogg but he escapes, only to eat boot (if that was the Barbarian it would be all over). Bradshaw charged Dogg in the corner but eats boot and a DDT for 2. Bradshaw comes back with a spear then a whip, but Dogg ducks and hits the dancing punches and hits the Fucking Pathetic Knee Drop for 2. Dogg misses a corner charge and get hit with the CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!!!! But Tori is up on the ring apron, Bradshaw turns around to face her and Dogg gets the school boy for two. Both men up, Bradshaw misses a swing, PUMP HANDLE SLAM OF MEDIOCRITY and Dogg get the three. FUCK.
Jerry is in the ring for the ARM WRESLING CHALLENGE. Yeah, thanks a lot God.
THE KAT and TERRI come to the ring and cavort around for a while. Terri keeps on procrastinating, claiming there's oil on Kat's hand, stopping for a drink, taking off her shorts (?) and stretching (?). They start doing the wrestling, its back and forth action all the way folks. Then Terri spits water in Kat's face so Moolah pours water over Terri, thus allowing Kat to score the victory. While she celebrates Terri pulls her top off, but nobody but Jerry and some of the front row behind the ring get to see anything. That ended with Kat with no top and Terri drenched in water. Erm.
Crash Holly is seen backstage laughing at Rikishi and Showkishi (give me strength) which can only mean:
RIKISHI AND SHOWKISHI vs. THOSE BLOOMING DUDLEYS
Show no-sells some D-Von offence and gets down to doing his usual offence. Rikishi in and he gets a thumb to the eye, Buh Buh in. Rikishi hits the Mountain Bomb out of the corner. Double teaming leads to Buh Buh having the advantage. Lots of punching. Rikishi no-sells a Buh Buh DDT and hits the side kick for a 2 that D-Von breaks up. An angry Showkishi distracts the ref and allows the double team Dudley Groin-Buster. Rikishi comes back with a clothesline and tags Show who proceeds to destroy both Dudleys. Stinkfaces for both guys. Rikishi and Buh Buh end up on the outside. Show chokes D-Von but then Buh Buh hits a second rope clothesline for 2. EDGE AND CHRISTIAN are out and Edge hits D-Von with a spear while the ref's back is turned. Show hits the CHOKESLAM and gets the 3.
Tool Coo come out to dance. They persuade the Dudleys to stay, and the Dudleys give Tool Coo their glasses and vice versa! While they dance, they tease some bad blood between Rikishi and Buh Buh, but Buh Buh then kicks it solo-style!! Then he runs up to Rikishi and starts thrusting against him but the less said about that the better I think.
Benoit is talking to Cole in the back, Benoit has a nasty black eye and basically looks like shit.
Whoosh! Here comes:
KURT ANGLE vs. CHRIS BENOIT
Angle says that UK kids are pale weaklings and he can't understand a word they say. Apparently they should be speaking the 'universal language' American. He then talks about how America saved the UK from the Germans (BAH!).
Crash Holly comes out and goes to the commentary table and says that he wants to fight an Englishman but he can't find any. Gee, I wonder who could possibly turn up? The Dynamite Kid? Kendo Nagasaki?
The match? Oh yes, Benoit dominates to start off, slapping the shit out of Angle. Angle fights back and hits a rope stunner. On the outside Angle goes after Benoit's bad eye. SWEET over-head belly to belly by Angle on the inside for 2. Suplex for another 2. Angle continues to dominate. Benoit reverses a corner whip and hits the three German suplexes with a bridge on the third for the 2.9!!!!! Benoit reverses a clothesline attempt into the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE!!! But in the continued quest to make it totally worthless, Angle escapes. Back suplex on Angle, Benoit goes up top but MISSES the flying head butt. Benoit swings wildly, and Angle catches him with the RIGHT ANGLE for the 3! SHOCKER!!
Shane is backstage insisting his dad wants HIM to win the main event.
WELL STAB ME IN THE FACE AND CALL ME ARNOLD THE BRITISH BULLDOG DAVEY BOY SMITH is here to take on Crash!!! Crash shits himself. Davey beats down Crash in the aisle, suplex on the ramp (yes, there's a ramp!). Going back towards the ring and Crash sends Davey into the steps and throws him in the ring. Crash grabs a big stick, a trash can and a big strap and gets in the ring. He chokes Davey and then hits him in the stomach with the stick. Crash gets a chair, but Davey hits a drop toe hold on Crash onto the chair!! ECW! ECW! Davey grabs the chair, stands over the fallen Crash and, and , and HITS HIM IN THE FOOT!! Davey works Crash over with the stick, hits the RUNNING POWERSLAM and gets the pin! Bleedin' 'eck mother! Way to humour the dumb British fans Vince!
Edge and Christian are seen with the fans earlier in the day. They sign some little kid's book and then charge him £5 - HA! They get their picture taken with some fat guy, but move in front of him and cut him out of the picture when it's taken! YES!
I don't think I can handle all this excitement, but here it is anyway:
THE HARDYZ vs.THE BLONDE GOTH EXPRESS
Christian STALLS to start. Christian and Matt trade offence but Matt gets the advantage. Jeff and Edge both tag in and Edge hits a swinging neckbreaker, and in the 'what the fuck is JR talking about' moment of the night JR says "That's what the Hardys call the 'Twist of Fate'", *sigh*. Head scissors on Edge sends him to the outside. Back in the ring, Edge whips Jeff into the corner, but Matt jumps up onto the top turnbuckle to stop Jeff from hitting, nice. Christian then tries to do it for Edge when the roles are reversed, but ends up getting hurt. Christian and Matt in and the Hardyz hit the double leg drop. Jeff back in and he and Christian are on the outside, Jeff gets thrown into the railings a couple of times. Edge gets a 2 count on the fallen Jeff. Double falling headbutt by the BGE for another 2. Christian is the legal man and he hits a SWEET powerslam on Jeff for ANOTHER 2 count. Chinlock on Jeff, he fights out but is pulled down by his hair. Front chancery on Jeff by Christain, Jeff starts to push towards his corner until Edge runs in and tugs him away. Edge is in and Jeff reverses a move into a pin, both men stand up and get into a backslide. Edge flips Jeff over and attempts a powerbomb, except Jeff rolls Edge up for a 2. Edge applies a from chancery, Christian runs in and causes the ref to miss the tag to Matt so it doesn't count. Edge whips Jeff but they both try cross-body blocks and they're both down. Matt jumps to the top rope while the ref is calming Christian down and hits a big elbow. Jeff gets a 2 count. Edge and Jeff both up and Jeff hits the inziguri he blatantly stole off Vampiro. Matt and Christian both tag in but Matt is a house o' fur. Matt hits the sleeping neckbreaker on Christian and gets a two count. He goes to the top, but gets caught out and gets hit with the double-team superplex! Jeff makes the save and Edge is ejected. Matt has Christian, TWIST OF FATE! SENTON BOMB! RING BELL! Oh wait, Hardys win by DQ thanks to Edge. That ending really sucked, though I think its really funny that they can't ring the bell to end the match coz' Edge stole it! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Its not over yet though because HERE COME THOSE BALLY DUDLEYS!! 3D on Christian!! TABLE!!! NASTY powerbomb on Edge through it!!
EDDY GUERRERO W/ CHYNA vs. LIONHEART CHRIS JERICHO
I don't know if anyone will remember (or care) but a while ago I suggested in a very poorly written column that Chyna shouldn't do the Pedigree, but she should do a DDT instead. Well what does she do now? I HAVE HAD CREATIVE INPUT INTO THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!!!!!!!!!!!
Eddy comes out ands says he doesn't like being our champion. Chyna starts speaking Spanish, and Eddy translates saying we don't deserve a champion like him and that we just can't stand his Latio Heat. I wouldn't say that, but I can't stand his stupid fake accent. Jericho enters, saying that he and all his fans in London wish Eddy and Chyna would "bloody well piss off" and he even says it with a pseudo-English accent. A coin toss decides which belt is on the line, Eddy loses - the match is for the European title. Offence is traded, Eddy is flipped to the outside. He makes like he's going to leave but Chyna won't let him and he ends up getting jumped by Jericho. Powerslam by Eddy back on the inside, but Jericho reverses a corner charge. Eddy get put in a sort of surfboard stretch by Jericho, pulling his arms back and pushing a knee into Eddy's back. Eddy powers out and reverses Jericho's suplex attempt into an inside cradle for 2. Jericho hits a hanging suplex and does the COME ON BABY ARROGANT COVER for 2!!!! Sleeper on Eddy, he fights out but gets sent to the outside by a Jericho heel kick. Jericho chases Eddy round and runs into Chyna who hits the worst clothesline ever. Back in the ring, Jericho catches Eddy on the top and hits a superplex. Cover for 2. Eddy takes over after a missed corner charge, he put Jericho on top and hits a super frankensteiner for 2. Eddy and Jericho briefly trade covers but then Eddy clamps on am abdominal stretch. Jericho escapes, Eddy slaps and throws a snapmare. More slaps lead to a slam by Jericho. He tries a powerbomb by Eddy does a great flip over into a sunset flip for 2. Eddy locks Jericho in a slightly odd hold. He hangs Jericho's legs over his shoulders so Jericho is hanging upside down on Eddy's back and he's screaming. You with me? Anyway, Jericho manages to pull himself up and reverse it, and then Eddy tried to reverse it and when he gets the right way up on Jericho's shoulders he gets slammed down face first. Ouch. 2 count. Jericho hits the flying forearm. Eddy gets whipped again but jumps up to try a frankensteiner. Jericho falls forwards and both men fall awkwardly to the outside. Eddy sells being hurt and while the ref is checking on him, Chyna DDT's Jericho and mouths 'thanks Martin' to the camera. Okay so she only did the DDT. Eddy gets up and leaps into the ring but only gets a 2.5 on the pin. Jericho gets a rush, hits the DOUBLE POWERBOMB and THE LIONFUCKIN'SAULT!! But Chyna is distracting the ref on the ring apron. Jericho hits Chyna with the SPRINGBOARD DROPKICK!! But, NO! Eddy hits Jericho with the belt, throws it out before the ref sees and Eddy scores the pin!
Meanwhile, in the back Shane and HHH argue over who is going to be champ. Stephanie stands around looking pretty.
Clips from the last week of fine WWF TV.
Usual crap from The Rock.
Its time baby:
TRIPLE H vs. SHANE MCMAHON vs. THE ROCK
You know its funny, but Stephanie looks much more attractive when she wears less make-up like she is doing tonight. Oh yeah, and when she climbed into the ring the camera saw right up her dress and I saw her pants. Sorry.
Rock PUNCHES!! It spills to the floor. Rock puts Lawler's crown on Shane's head and then punched him, funny. It goes down hill rapidly from here though as Shane and HHH beat on the Rock for a five minutes or so. Rock tries a comeback but HHH hits the TWIST OF FATE, er, I mean a neckbreaker. After some more punches, Rock makes a comeback and I SWEAR he did the double spinning arm Dusty Rhodes Bionic Elbow on the two of them! HHH locks a sleeper on Rock, but Shane gets too close and Rock grabs HIM in a sleeper. Shane has no choice but to drop down, causing a triple jaw breaker. Rock tries another come back but HHH knees him in the face, The Rock really is CRAP you know. HHH goes for the cover but Shane breaks it up! Shane attacks HHH, jumps to the top rope and goes for a moonsault, only HHH gets up but Shane lands on his feet! Rock takes them both out and hits a DDT on Shane but the ref is distracted by Steph. Shane take advantage with a kick to Rock and he tries the Pedigree. He can't execute the move though and looks like he's having some sort of spasm until Rock pulls his leg and takes him down. Rock launches Shane in a slingshot but the ref gets bumped. Rock reaches out to grab Vince outside but HHH clocks him with the belt!! Brisco comes down in a ref's shirt and counts 2.5 on Rock. HHH pulls Rock up and holds him for Shane to hit with a chair only, shockingly, HHH gets clocked instead. Rock throws Shane out and starts beating on HHH until Vince runs in and punches Rock in the back of the head. He then grabs the chair and goes to hit Rock, only Rock has turned round now and looks pissed. The HHH hits a low blow and hits the PEDIGREE!! MY GOD NO!!! BUT ROCK KICKS OUT!!!!!! Rock gets up, takes Brisco out but then gets hit with ANOTHER PEDIGREE!!!! Vince pull's Brisco's ref shirt off him and puts it on, only EARL HEBNER comes down to ring side and pulls Vince out! Vince tries to punch him but hits the ring post, and starts chasing Earl around the outside. HHH goes to the top rope but Shane causes him to FALL! Vince chases Earl into the ring and Rock hits him with the ROCK BOTTOM. Shane runs at Rock and SPINEBUSTER!! PEOPLE'S ELBOW!!! Rock gets the pin!
The show was about 2 hours, 22 minutes in total. A little short if you ask me but still fairly entertaining.
Take care and thanks for reading.