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WWF No Mercy


Guest columnist: Chuck Carlin


Ok, so I took like a month off. Wrestling got boring. Well, WWF did anyway. And too many tragedies happened all at once, so I didn't really feel like putting my two cents in to all of it. But now I'm back at least for tonight so I can bring you:

WWF: No Mercy Results

First off, Fink is working tonight, which reminds me. Where's Jericho? What about Big Show, Al Snow, and Debra?

We're at the Gund Arena, sold out, and we have J.R. and Jerry for commentary. There's the WWFETron, the Smackdown Tunnel, and they're flanked by two smaller screens that flash images of bloody stars all night long, Vince from St. Valentine's Day, Austin from WM 13, Mankind's "Tooth through the nose" shot, etc...

Godfather v. Midian (with Viscera) in a Winner Gets An Article In Tattoo Magazine Next Month match

So here's our surprise match, instead of something good like Jericho v. Anybody Under 300 lbs, we get this 4 day old rivalry. Here come the Acolytes, oops, sorry, got confused by the music. Never mind. Godfather talks about smoking pot and selling women, and the crowd loves it. Godfather goes for an early Ho Train, but sees that Viscera has gotten a hold of one of his fun-loving ho's, so he stops. J.R. calls Viscera Midian. Jerry points out that maybe the ho's can't stay away from Viscera because they can't escape his gravitational pull. Godfather gets pasted for a while by Team Speedy, fights back into the ring, goes for another Ho Train, Mideon puts up a boot. Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, stomp, stomp, stomp. Godfather finally hits the Ho Train and rolls up Midean for the pin, because you see, Midion's just way too fat for the Pimp Drop. Afterward, the ho's are given to referee Tim White, as he dances and falls over a lot.

Clips leading up to tonight's Main Event from last Monday's Raw... ewwwwwwwwww he's peeling off his face! An interview clip from Heat reminds us about HHH's plan to get Steve to disqualify himself. He never once says "My Time" or "The Game", although J.R. now INSISTS on calling HHH "The Game". "Here comes The Game, king" Here comes my boot J.R., don't name wrestlers nouns unless they're good nouns.

Ivory v. The Fabulous Moolah (with Maye Young) for the Women's Championship

God help me. Screw this, I'm watching the Yankees game. HEY, Strawberry just hit a solo home run off the foul pole. It's 1-0 Yankees. Woo Hoo! And the Mets are tied 2-2. Why did I order this PPV again? When I come back, I see Young fall off the apron right on her hip like 18 times, then Moolah wins with a rollup. Maybe later tonight, she'll give Debra the belt... nah.

Another clip from Heat shows us that Vince will have no part of HHH's master plan, HHH doesn't even know what a master plan is. Master plans take MONTHS of intense plotting, heel/face turns, stable formations, and so on. Vince says the title match is no DQ. Which means it'll be like every other Steve Austin match this year.

New Age Outlaws v. Hollys for the... oh wait, never mind.

See, the Hollys gave the belts to Team Ravioli last Thursday, and I'll never know why. This match also sucks. Maybe it's just cause I don't like NAO. Lawler is really kissing serious NAO ass tonight. Road Dogg throws the word "former" into his spiel to confuse the entire crowd. Drat, Yanks are now 1-1, and the Mets are in the 13th inning??? Damn. Oops, where's the clicker. I'm back. Road Dogg is in a chin lock by A Holly. He elbows him once, he elbows him twice, but since he tried to break out of the hold after only two elbow shots, he gets pulled down by the hair (extensions). Hit him THREE times! Anyway, the crowd at Fenway is WAAAY more into what they're watching than the crowd at the Gund. They're chanting Aaaaaaaandyyyy at Andy Pettite. Another damn chinlock on Dogg, this time other Holly. Another chinlock. The Hollys do the switch behind the ref's back without tagging because they rock. Piaza catches the runner at home to keep it tied in the 13th. Hollys introduce a chair to the match (Match, this is Chair. How do you do?) which backfires as A Holly is Fam-assed onto it. Ref counts but changes his mind, you see tonight, they're no cheating. Hollys win by DQ.

Chyna (with funky off balance bra and no chaps) v. JJ (with Hello Kitty)

Ok, we know this is Jerrett's last WWF match, so how does WWF build it up? Not at all. Instead, we get a clipfest of Jeff and Chyna hitting each other in the head with things. It reminds me that this feud is 2 damn months long. JJ gets ZERO crowd response (top that, WCW), and Chyna get a very loud face pop. Not bad for having the main heels' music and intro movie. Chyna hits Jerrett with a salami and a banana because they like that kind of thing, I guess. Then she beats the shit out of him for like 10 minutes. Jerrett pops the Fig 4 on somehow, she sells it well, makes the ropes. Kitty and Jerrett mix a cake in a big bowl, and when he tries to throw flour in Chyna's face, she hits his hands causing it to go into his own face. Everyone's covered in food except Miss Kitty, but oops, spoke too soon, because Chyna is here to dump that cake mix on her. Jerry consoles her. Chyna hit Jeff with some pies, then he hits her with his belt. Gee, which one seemed more effective? Ref counts 3, Jerrett's music hits, and 80% of the internet goes "Huh?". But don't worry, the ref comes to his senses and tells Jeff that the belt is not a household item, so he's restarting the match. Fink confirms and we're off. Immediately, Jeff puts the ref in a Fig 4, Chyna hits him (Jerrett) with a guitar, ref counts three because the guitar IS a household item, dammit. Chyna is champ, she leaves with Kitty, Jeff Jerrett goes south, but at least he had the dignity of jobbing to a girl in a food fight for his last match. Bye, Jeff.

Boston 2, Yankees 1. How'd that happen? Drat drat. 14th inning stretch for the Mets.

Rock v. Bulldog in a Gee, Who's More Over? match

It's 9:00, so we know Rock has something to do with the Main Event. Bulldog comes out to silence, Rock does not. Lawler points out that Rock doesn't have his Tag belt with him. J.R. says it doesn't matter because he just hates plot development. Rock shows DDT, but goes neckbreaker. Punch, stomp, look at crowd, rince, repeat. I can just tell he's not gonna do the float-over DDT for me tonight. He used up all his moves in the Val Venis match a week ago. Bulldog get Rock in a chinlock, Rock sells, escapes. Bulldog gets Rock in another chinlock, Rock makes a face like "Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me", realizes the camera is on him, then starts selling again. Rock is out finally, but there's an incredibly awkward running (moseying) powerslam for 2 after Rock got his foot on the rope. Lawler says ref should have 3 counted anyway, but it's Earl Hebner, and he's learned his lesson. Plus, he's head ref now and doesn't need the money. Anyway, another running (standing) powerslam attempt winds up in a Rock Bottom - People's Elbow. Lawler sides with Rock after the win. He does this all night, only exception being Moolah, he just ranks on her.

It's 9:12 and we've had 5 matches. There's 4 left, but no one's said a damn thing about the Kane/X-Pac/Acolytes match, so who knows if that is even still on the card. So it might be 3. With 2 hours to go. Ugh.

Hardy Boyz (with this year's jobber to the stars, Gangrel) v. Edge and Bono, I mean Christian in a ladder TIT final match

There's Jim Dotson leading the non-brothers to the ring, which reminds me, wasn't he feuding with Blackman for like a week? Oh well. On Heat, Blackman squashed Taka so I guess I'm not supposed to remember that. There's two ladders, because one is just too safe. There is also a sack full of "money" hanging above the ring that just NEEDS a big $ on it. Hey, where's Terri? You ready? Here we go. Gangrel is ejected early, because he likes the Red Sox. Christian hits a mid-ladder reverse DDT on Jeff. Jeff hits a HUGE leapfrog off the top rope over the ladder into a leg drop on Christian to get a standing ovation from the crowd. The blondes team up and Audrey II Jeff in a ladder while the crowd counts along to ten. Edge is spending a lot of time setting up the ladders side by side. Oh, here's why: Edge hits a Downward Spiral on Jeff off the ladders OUCH. Matt gets a neckbreaker on Chris off the ladder OUCH. Chris hits Jeff with a hiplock off the TOP of the ladder OUCH. Matt does a wierd thing that I can't describe without calling it a see-saw. One ladder was the fulcrum, the other ladder was balanced on it, Chris and Jeff fought at the feet of the ladder, Matt jumped off the ropes, hit the other side of the ladder, popping the feet of it into their faces. See? Told you I couldn't describe it. Everybody climbs up the ladders, and everybody falls off Shawn Michaels style, making a pile of twisted bodies. They put the ladders back up, Edge goes up one, Matt goes up after him, Chris and Jeff go up one, Edge punches Matt off, Matt bounces off of ropes, hits Chris and Jeff's ladder, knocking it into Edge's, Edge falls off, Christian and his ladder fall over, Jeff hops from falling ladder to Edge's ladder (wow), stabilizes it, and grabs the money to win. And I'm kinda glad. Edge and Christian don't need cheesecake right now, the Hardys do. They go off and celebrate, although they are too hurt to do much besides ogle Terri backstage and moan a lot. This match is probably a MOTY candidate, and if not it was definitely "Most Double Features" winner. It was just a spotfest, but damn, I was really wincing on some of those.

Yankees 3- Boston 2; Mets STILL playing, 15th, 3-2 Atlanta.

Mankind v. Val Venis

Here's a video look at this feud, and now here's The Rock...? He's here to issue a challenge to the winner of tonight's Main Event. So HHH comes out and beats him with a sledge hammer. Rock is brought off on a stretcher by that one really hot EMT that's on every week. Here's Val, he doesn't have a towel OR time to talk about his dick, because he's evil now. Here's Mankind... no, never mind, he's back with The Rock telling him he'll win this match for him. NOW here's Mankind. Usual stuff, Venis blows the Money Shot twice, and does not do the headstand for Mick's double-arm DDT. All match long, Venis has been ramming Mick's poor little head against things, so now when he applies the testicular claw, he wins. Whatever. Val going over Mankind fairly clean don't sit well here. Mick does rescue Socko, though. And he pushes his book. I want to go to New York to the book signing on thursday, but I can't find any one to go with. Any takers? No wierdos.

Mets rally, leading up to a Robin Ventura Grand Slam to end the 15th, 7-3. PLEASE beat Atlanta. I HATE Atlanta. Did you hear why the last Olympics were in Atlanta in '96? Because the Coca-Cola Co. said that if they didn't do it there, they wouldn't sponser it. So in essence, they bought the fucking Olympics. And that was right after Athens, Greece built a multi-million dollar stadium because they were supposed to get it that year, since it was the 100th Olympiad. So go to Hell, Atlanta.

Kane v. X-Pac v. Accolyte Faarooq v. Accolyte Bradshaw in a four corners elimination match

Huh, I guess they didn't forget about this one. I really hope I didn't spell Faarooq right and misspell Accolytes. Oh well. Hey, it's Midion and Viscera, oh sorry, it's that darned music again. Gets me every time. Hansen's Energy Drink is no longer affilited with X-Pac in any way. Shucks. After Kane hits a sloooooow enziguri on Bradshaw, Pac tags himself in to fight Kane. He's a jerk. X-Pac, that is. They do fight, but it's really just X-Pac pissing off Kane. Bradshaw makes the blind tag on Kane and beats the tar out of Pac. Now it's really just the Accolytes beating up Pac until Kane chokeslams Bradshaw eliminate him. But when Kane gets up, Pac hit him with a top rope spinning heel (butt) kick, and pins him! What the fuck! Crap. Anyway, Faarooq beats him up and blocks the Bronco Buster by *gasp* getting up! Rooq goes to the ropes for a shoulder block, but gets cought in a very awkward X-Factor for X-Pac's win. I have him. By the way, does anyone else ever notice the line in X-Pac's theme song that goes "something, two cans in a bucket, do de do I'm not the one to try to fuck with, suck it." Hmmm. USA never does. (Hey Chuck, that's MUCK. Hey, I'm a poet and dinna know it! - CRZ)

Rock is still back stage. He won't go to a hospital. I would. Well, only if that blonde EMT came. To the hospital.

Stone Cold Steve Austin v. HHH for the WWF Heavyweight Belt.

H stands alone with the cheese, as Chyna is nowhere in sight. She must be out partying with the Hardys and Terri. Typical Austin match. Typical HHH match. Not bad, really, I'm just personally sick of the formula. Fight ouside ring for 10 minutes, go into the crowd, piss off Jim Dotson, blah blah blah. After a few nasty ref bumps on poor Mike Chioda, Austin hits the stunner, but there's no ref. HHH hits the pedigree, but there's no ref, so Mr. Hebner takes over, just in case we need a slow count. H blades, and he NEVER blades. He's a mess. Hey, it's Kane! Oops, no, I just got confused by H's bright red face. Ending has Rock come down to ringside with the sledgehammer that Mr. McMahon had earlier pilferred from HHH, and swings at H, missing, hitting Austin. H pedigrees the injured Rock and pins Austin to retain the WWF Championship. HHH runs away from Austin into a limo with Chyna, who has been keeping it warm, I guess. We fade out.

Also, riots break out at the Yankees - Red Sox game after a few dozen blown calls. Read about it in the paper, but it was really something to behold. It ended 9-3 because the Red Sox stink.

All in all, it was a pretty solid PPV for having many top wrestlers out with injuries, or just out with no storylines. The ladder match is a must see, I couldn't do it justice. Get the tape when it comes out. Speaking of tapes, WWF has never out out the '98 Survivor Series, and it is the one tape that I want to watch! It was my favorite PPV of last year, and I really want to watch it, but it's not available. Drat. Oh well.

Chuck Carlin
Master of the Float-over DDT for
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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission