/Living Dangerously Results
ECW Living Dangerously
|Guest columnist: Mr. T
Disclaimer: I'm tired, and my knee hurts. So there.
We open up -- with a sermon from the Artist Formerly Known As
James Vandenburg, about the seven deadly sins of ECW! To wit:
"Any company that dares to compete with an ECW PPV will be Living Dangerously!"
Okay, here we go! We are SOLD OUT [gorsh!] from the O'Neill Center in Danbury, CT and this is Living Dangerously 3.12.00 [just in case you hadn't figured it out yet], a LIVE presentation of Acclaim's ECW Hardcore Revolution: the Video Game!
We open up with Joey Styles and Joel "TV-14 Intro" Gertner. Gertner: "Well, Well, Well, it's the Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel, This Girl I know wanted to see the show, live in [accent]Con - Net - I Cit! So I told her to bend over and I would show her where to stick it! So she spent 45 minutes teasing and pleasing and licking it, but you know, after all was said and done, I made her buy a ticket! [dramatic pause], Gertner." And there's Cyrus Da Network Virus to take exception. Loud "Fuck 'em up, Gertner, Fuck Em Up chant" is turned down as Cyrus tells Gertner to hit the road. Gertner points out that this is a ECW PPV Production, not a TNN network Production, so he doesn't have to watch his mouth, and tells Cyrus to scram, and let him do "his" job. Cyrus threatens to beat him up [at which point the incredibly loud "Fuck 'em up, Gertner, Fuck Em Up chant" has to be turned down AGAIN], the neckbrace is removed, and Cyrus is having second thoughts. He tells Joel he can have the color commentating, but hits him with a superkick when he turns his back! Joey pulls Cyrus off Gertner! Roll the intro!
Steve Corino is in the ring when we return, along with Jack Victory. Transcibing is the PRETZELS: "Danbury, CT, and the millions watching at home on PPV, the Old School Hero Steve Corino [whoops, audio from a upcoming New Dangerous Alliance promo drowns him out for 5 seconds] and all I see out [there are? More Audio Problems] drunks! [Crowd cheers?] sexually deviant [crowd cheers louder? The hell?], douchebags. Oh wait a second! I see the biggest douchebag of them all. Ladies and gentlemen, the Sandman's wife! This is an honor and a privilege [getting out of the ring] to finally meet you face-to-face. You know, you are a hardcore icon in the ECW Locker room. You know, you've had more wrestlers than Dusty's had matches! You know, you remember Raven, the man who took you away from your husband. That was NO ANGLE. I have it on good authority that he was giving it to you IN THE BATHROOM! [To Sandman's Son] Hey, you bastard, why don't you shut the hell up? You know the Sandman isn't your real dad! [To Lori again] Hey Lori, I think I'm the only one you haven't PUT OVER, so why don't you put me over, live on national television, you WHORE!" SLAP! Corino drags her over the rail and into the ring, where Victory and Rhino have appeared to hold her. Here's Sandy himself, but Victory and Corino doubleteam him while Rhino puts Lori *though a table!*. Rhino gets the "Asshole" chant as ECW Officials break this mess up.
Now, at (23:52) in, we get our first match!
Steve Corino vs "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes in a
We cut to Joey and Cyrus, who announce the forfeiture of Sandman's semi-final match against Rhino [he went with his wife to the hospital.] Okay, so we're down to 4 announced matches, and one of them is already happened. It's Gonna be FILLER CITY tonight!
We return to shots of the New Dangerous Alliance [with Lou E.
Ugly] entering. Nothing of note is said, so on to the match:
C.W Anderson and "Beautiful" Billy Wiles [w/ Lou. E]
vs Danaconda and That Angry Amish Chicken Plucker, Roadkill,
apparently for the #1 Contendorship to the ECW Tag Team
Roadkill on all fours, and Doring to the air with a plancha! Back in the ring, Doring is nailed by Wiles with a tilt-a-whirl head scissors, and follows it up with a pump handle slam out of a head hold [if you're Cyurs, "chicken wing slam"] for two. Doring is Danaconda-in-Peril here. In the corner, chop, chop, chop [whoo!], Doring out, chop, chop, chop, a VERY sloppy side Russian legsweep by Wiles, tag to Anderson, and a doubleteam variant of the Northern Lights Suplex ["spiked" N.L. Suplex?] delivered by the Alliance. Doring Really Needs to Make a Tag to the "KillMeister", as he hits a forward legsweep, Irish whip reversed, and there's a sidewalk slam by Doring! Hot tag to Roadkill, and he's passing out those clotheslines! There's a Samoan, er, Amish Drop! It's Pier Four Time, Roadkill and Doring each have a man in the corner, but Roadkill is crotched and knocked to the outside! Doring doubleteamed and set up, but the slingshot-into-a-superkick is reversed in short order by Doring into Wham Bam, Thank You Maam [double arm DDT]! There's the Lancaster Lariat of Lust [top rope clothesline off of Roadkill's shoulders]. Doring and Roadkill both upstairs - Doring hits his guillotine legdrop, but Electra crotches 'Kill on the buckle! Spinebuster by Anderson - 1,2,3. (7:24)
The Impact Players guarantee their win of the Tag Team Titles later on tonight.
Well, here's Simon Diamond [w/Mitch and "The Prodigy" Tom
Arquiezz] out to make some noise. Wait, it's a match!
Here's Jazz to help Kash out - and there's Gedo & Jado to
punk him and Jazz out! And hit the music......
The New Dangerous Alliance's newest member, Electra, cuts a promo backstage about why she turned her back on Doring & Roadkill [Doring's a "little boy" and Roadkill hates her, but he's only jealous because his tits are bigger than hers.]. Moving on.....
Little Guido [w/Sal E.] vs Super Crazy in an ECW
TV Title Semifinal
Joey rolls a video clip of ECW Hardcore Revolution: the Video
Game. I'm feeling nice, so let's count this as a match:
Kintaro Kanemura vs Balls Mahoney Kanemura takes the early advantage after getting the better of Balls running the ropes, with a in-the-rope legdrop and a slingshot press Powerslam by Kanemura and ...well, guess that was supposed to be a senton bomb. A weak "you fucked up" chant starts, as Balls hits the Ballbreaker [short powerbomb] and a frog splash for two. Whip in, Balls crotched, and Kanemura kinda sorta pulls off a belly-to-back superplex. This guy either a) sucks or b)is working hurt. Either way, after a WEAK chairshot by Kanemura, a Balls clothesline and Nutcracker Suite on the chair puts this one in the books. (1:57)
Productive Segment: The Baldies immediately
attack Balls, with nothing much of note other than Grimes putting Balls
through a table with a senton bomb. Cue "Natural Born Killaz", and
here's New Jack to go through the SAME OLD ROUTINE, you know, the plundah
sequence, brawl into the crowd, pizza cutter to the head. Grimes and Jack
fight towards a scaffolding, and the words "impromptu scaffold match" cause me
to almost get sick. Grimes and Jack have very little to stand on
there, and look understandibly shaky.
ECW World Tag Team Title Three Way Dance: Raven and Mike Awesome [Champions] vs Tommy Dreamer and Masato Tanaka vs the Impact Players (w/Dawn Marie and Jason)
The Impact Players are out first, and the champions charge the ring! Short Powerbomb on Storm by Awesome, Credible is tossed by Raven, Jason and Credible FEEL THE IMPACT of an Air Awesome! Storm takes the drop toehold into the chair and the SNOT RAG! Yuck. Sign in crowd: "Hey CBS. F*CK OFF." Here come the OTHER challengers and it's about to get messy. Dreamer attacks Raven and hits the Dreamer DDT, but cover is broken up at two. Tommy whipped in, and there's a powerbomb that gets two. Awesome and Tanaka going at it, Tanaka off the ropes, ducks a clothesline, hangs on to avoid a standing dropkick, and clotheslines Awesome. Storm in and on Tanaka, Credible grabs Tanaka, and there's an EXCELLENT standing dropkick by Storm on Tanaka and Dreamer whips Credible into the turnbuckle. Both Impact Players get tossed from the ring, leaving Raven and Dreamer inside. Meanwhile, a fan holds a chair for Tanaka so he can repeatedly whip Credible into it [Joey: "The Rocky Horror Hardcore PPV"]. Inside, Tommy hits Raven with a bulldog as Mike Awesome brings a table into the fun. Raven with the bulldog and then the drop toehold, both into the table, and Tommy's in real trouble here. Tanaka saves Tommy, but meets an Awesome boot for his trouble - Tanaka slips out of the Awesome Bomb, hits a german suplex through the table, and then the Roaring Elbow for the pin on Awesome! (4:41)
As the former champs powder out, Credible with a semi-stiff kendo stick shot on Tanaka. Punch, punch, punch, punch, kick on Dreamer. More punch -n- kick doubleteaming from the Impact players. Swinging DDT by Credible on Dreamer, then Storm in to deliver a jawbreaker and another sweet standing dropkick. Tommy Really Needs to Make A Tag, we are told. Credible whips Lance into the corner but Tommy moves, and Tommy ducks a superkick by Credible [which nails Storm by accident], Dreamer DDT, tag to Tanaka. Punch, punch, punch, kick, Jason in, Double Stunner on Storm and Jason! Credible saves, and sets Tanaka on the top, only to get a top rope Diamond Cutter variant! Storm makes the save that time, and here's the face 10 punch countalong, Tanaka hits Diamond Dust, but Lance Storm with the save and a piledriver - Dreamer is going for the Death Valley Driver, but there's a belt shot, inverted DDT by Storm, and there's the good ol' spiked Pile Driver. 1,2,3. We have new tag team champions. (9:08)
Cyrus goes off headset to celebrate with the new tag team champions, and there's The Boss to do his best "I'm really pissed off" impression. Joel Gertner interrupts to tell Cyrus that the "Network" is going down, and as I get really pissed off at this "Sledgehammer of Plot" booking....
Rhino vs Super Crazy for the ECW World Television Title
Team Corino immediately starts the beatdown post-match, and a big "We Want Sandman" chant fires up. Yep, here's Sandy again, to make the save, PASTE Rhino with three kendo stick shots, and send the crowd home happy. At 9:20 .....it's over?
T in Quotes: Counting the video game "match", the final total of bell-to bell on this show is (57:31), less than a third of the alotted PPV time [and the show ends 40 minutes early?]. ECW is really hurting with all the shelved talent (Jerry Lynn, RVD, Little Spike Dudley) and it is really showing in match quality. Let toss to the match-by-match breakdown-
Dusty vs Corino: Corino tried, bless his heart, but we're talking about Dusty Rhodes here. This match was slow, ugly, and anticlimatic, and the only thing this match had going for it [intrigue] was killed in the opening minute when the referee ended up being the one from Milwaukee. It really says something about this PPV that this is the longest match of the show. Thumbs Down.
Dangerous Alliance vs Doring/Roadkill - Doring and Roadkill are really growing on me, and they did a good job of carrying the NDA to a watchable match. Thumbs Up.
Mike Awesome vs Kid Kash - This was a time-filling squash, and phoned in on all fronts. Thumbs Down.
Nova and Chetti vs Jado and Gedo - Nova & Chetti tried, but this match lacked any really flow to it, probably due to communication barriers. Still, J & G had their working boots on, so let's call this a Thumbs in the Middle, if only for the stellar team work of Chetti and Nova.
Little Guido vs Crazy - Good effort as usual by these two, but the continual involvement of Sal E., the unnecessary furniture and the botched ending held this one down to a Thumbs in the Middle.
Balls Mahoney vs Kanemura - After the fact, I read some previews of this card, and Kanemura is in fact working injured. Still, he managed to blow both of the big moves he had to hit in that "marathon" 1:58. This one was a trainwreck. Thumbs Down.
New Jack/Baldies/etc. - Allow me to give a big, hearty "FUCK YOU" to whoever asked Jack and Grimes to get up on that scaffolding without anything to stand on. They'll be damn lucky if neither one was hurt too badly from that botched dive. Thumbs Way the Hell Down.
Mike Awesome/Raven vs Dreamer/Tanaka vs the Impact Players - Fairly typical ECW three way dance, but it seemed more choatic than anything else [the first elimination literally seemed to come out of left field.] Still, the Match quality was decent, and all involved gave a good effort, so let's go Thumbs Up for this one.
Crazy vs Rhino - Tajiri, RVD, Fonzie, Scotty, and Sandman [after the fact] run-ins and a FREAKING ref bump [in ECW?] made this seem more comparable to recent Nitro main events. Shoving the "Network" angle down our throats doesn't help matters, either. Crazy wins, but the match sucked. Thumbs Down.
Overall - I was so optimistic after ECW hit a home run with Anarchy Rulz. Since that time, Lynn, RVD, and Little Spike Dudley have gone down to injury, Sabu is apparently out, and ECW storylines have come to a screeching halt. What better way to say it than the fact that half of this card was unannounced at bell time? I would not even be surprised if some of the card was put together in the back during the show! Thumbs Down.
Final Notes - Hardcore Heaven is coming up in May, and hopefully things will pick up, as most of the injured wrestlers are scheduled to return sometime in this internim, but there are more invasive problems that must be addressed even beyond that.
For starters, half of this card wasn't announced until the Friday before the PPV! ECW has a major problem with going into storyline "holding" patterns when talent injuries happen, dating back to before the injury to then-ECW champion Shane Douglas, making it very hard for any forward progress. I'm not suggest Paul E. hire Sean or anything, but some creative focus is desperately needed right now.
You have a national cable show, ECW. So how come PPV's seem to be an afterthought? I know that with the constant state of flux in ECW, it will be difficult, but Friday on TNN [not, say 5 or 6 Fridays from now] you should start setting up a Hardcore Heaven card. Look at your storylines, pick a main event match, and set it up on Friday, then build to it. Keep building to it as you roll towards May, adding another match every or every other show, and WHAM! It may not be the quality PPV, or even a good one, but any focus is better than no focus at all. If you're forced to change direction, at least explain it in context of the story. And for the love of, this is ECW, the promotion that "hates" watered-down wrestling - so THROW SOME MORE wrestling on TV and PPV. Live up to your BILLING!
Enough ranting from me - and until WCW is bought out by ECW, and Hulk Hogan has to job to Little Guido, you *can* quote me on that.