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ECW Guilty as Charged


Guest columnist: Mr. T


Our hosts, Joey Styles and Cyrus (YES!) open the Pay-Per-View proper in the ring, apparently to begin our hyperbole for the evening - no, looks like JOEL "TV-MA INTRO" GERTNER is here to help sell this ridicil....I mean, well-crafted, angle with Cyrus and the "Office". After the usual intro and annoying Cyrus on the mic for a bit [and confirming for Joey that, yes, he came out to get cheap heat, and oh, he has his paycheck and some lovely pootang awaits, so he is done], he scatters off. Joey: "The time for talking has ended: the time for action is upon us!" What exactly was the point of this segment?

It's E- C- Dub, and you're watching GUILTY AS CHARGED live on PPV, a presentation of ECW Hardcore Revolution: the Video Game from Acclaim!

MIKEY "WHO?" WHIPRECK (w/references to his recent WCW run) vs NOT "THE ENFORCER" (w/ the New Dangerous Alliance, and Lou is UGLY!)
After the ring intros, BOBBY "FERRET" WILES decides to help C.W. Anderson start off the match with a doubleteam, and so it shall be. Boy, that powerslam looks SCARY...ha ha. A second powerslam attempt is countered into an armbar, back up, Mikey hits a DDT for two. Into the corner we go and Mikey capitalizes on a big boot by almost hitting a tornado DDT, but take the spinebuster and a two count as a consolation, Mike, as we listen to Cyrus make Arn Anderson jokes. Fast forward as Mikey hits the Whippersnapper but Lou E. Ugly yanks the referee out! Here comes Bobby again and we get a Russian leg sweep/high lariat combo for two. Mikey fights back, and Bobby gets a Whippersnapper as well. Lou E. is on the apron, and Mikey gets whipped into him, and thusly takes the spinebuster for the three. (4:49). After watching it again, I *do* see Lou E. hit Mikey with what appears to be a cell phone.

Cyrus commends Joey on his political correctness (HA!), okay, MAYBE Cyrus can make this "Office" angle work. Mitch [Simon's scrawny little manager] OWNS A THESAURUS! How many long words starting with V did he say? Okay, to the match: Jazz and Doring start, with nothing of note other than an alleged inside cradle for two from Jazz. Roadkill in, and we sell Jazz as "tough", noting her lack of tagging out (whoops, Joey, spoke too soon.). Right about here we start the schmozz and the trademark TrainWreck HighSpot Challenge [capped off by a ROADKILL springboard splash...whoa.]. We return to find Jazz and Simon trading arm drags, then Jazz with the "knife-edge chops". Simon goes for his Simonizer, but one low blow later, JAZZ FACTO..STINGER, STINGER! Hey, DICK HERTZ is back! Hey, Cyrus is making lame 'dick' jokes in regard to Jazz! Okay, nevermind, after the smoke clears, we apparently have:

NOOOO-VA (w/no partners) vs ROADKILL & DORING in a Handicap match
All of the other participants are "brawling all over the building." Nova becomes the face in peril, but not before reeling off a cool inverted DDT spot where he holds on and delivers it again. Have a Amish Top Rope Splash for two, and Doring delivers a jawbreaker variation [called "Bareback" by Cyrus] for 2.9. Nova counters ...something Doring tried and busts out a guillotine legdrop for 2.9! That was cool and lookee, lookee, it's CHRIS CHETTI (w/o his medical clearance to wrestle, sayeth Cyrus) out and standing in Nova's corner [also pounding on said corner]! Joey reminds us that Nova is the Face In Peril by noting that Nova REALLY Needs To Make A Tag, as Nova nails a spinebuster on Doring, and ...refuses to tag the injured Chetti. Doring knocks him into the corner, and Chetti tags himself in, doing the House of Fire bit with side kicks! Here comes Electra to...slap Chetti! He picks her up, and assumes a rather suggestive pinning position with her, before Roadkill takes exception to such. Chetti gets in a Double Arm DDT out of a underhook, then goes for his finisher but he's TOO INJURED. Roadkill's upstairs - "Amish Bomb" delivered. 1,2,3. (9:46). The DUPP BROTHERS immediately storm the ring, and Nova assists Doring in clearing the ring of them as I note that Chetti did the job despite not actually being a scheduled participant.

Here's a backstage Segment where MIKE (MY POP IS NOT YET) AWESOME and THE ANNOYING JUDGE GUY THAT WAS POWERBOMBED BY SID gloat over the fact that they knocked the teeth out of SPIKE DUDLEY'S look-a-like girl's mouth. Speak of the devil, here's SPIKE & SPIKE-GIRL in a backstage segment where Spike is Very, Very Angry, judging by his harsh language and his abuse of anything nearby that is not nailed down. Spike's 'angry sneer' ROCKS! (Seriously.)

Next is our dream partner tag, and shots of TAJIRI(w/ STEVE CORINO) entering, followed by Super Crazy. Making a long tale short, Corino appoints *Crazy* as Tajiri's partner as Little Guido [w/ Big Sal E., who is w/o any shred of fashion sense] enters, and hey, here's THE BOSS to refute Corino's claim that he (Corino) calls the shots around ECW, and to appoint THE NEW F'N SHOW JERRY LYNN as the fourth man, so connecting the dots we have:

ECW Dream Partner Match- Tajiri & Super Crazy vs Little Guido(w/Big Sal) & Jerry LynnWith all the talk of team solidity, we're getting a heel turn here. I'll toss out my prediction: Crazy turns on Lynn. Lynn and Crazy start, and do a nice little mat reversal sequence [3 Leapfrogs, two missed crossbodies, and one successful crossbody by Crazy] that draws applause. Tajiri in: motions for Lynn to tag Guido, and he does.

SIDE TANGENT: It's the ECW PPV Debut of the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT. It's fairly obvious by now that we're supposed to think Lynn is turning heel, so it AIN'T HAPPENING TONIGHT!

Guido charges in with a mighty slap, a takedown on Tajiri [he boxes the ears!], and Tajiri tosses in a handspring elbow and Tajiri's on the offensive! Tajiri's kicks are awesome [and incredibly stiff looking] as he goes into full Buzzsaw mode on Guido, who manages to get out of trouble with an armbar takedown, and an eventual tag to Lynn. Tajiri storms the corner with a clothesline, and here's THE TARANTULA! Guido breaks it up, and off we go to the HighSpot Trainwreck Moment: Super Crazy with the plancha on Guido, and Tajiri opts for a supercool Asai moonsault, and when the smoke clears from that, Lynn's in the Tree of Woe and getting a baseball slide to the face. Lynn with a German Suplex [non bridge variety] for two after a huricanrana off the top rope and a little help from Guido gets him out of peril. Tajiri hits a German Suplex w/bridge for 2.7, save made by Guido, here comes Crazy into the ring. Double Ten Punch Count-A-Long [en espanol] for Crazy and Tajiri, then double powerbomb time for Guido and Lynn, double cover, double two count. Double tornado DDT, double cover, double two. Skip to Tajiri hitting a springboard moonsault for two, Guido comes into the ring ...and hits Lynn with the Impaler! [His finisher?]. GUIDO hath turned! Tajiri with a super-stiff side kick to Crazy's head, and then hits Lynn with the brain buster. Uno, Dos, Tres. (12:36).

Productive Segment: Corino gets on the mic post-match to run down Dusty Rhodes, and just as usual, Dusty shows up and is standing there when Corino turns around. Heels are SO DUMB. Anyhow, Team Corino [Jack Victory, Tajiri, and Tommy "RICHIE" Rich] are kind enough to attack, black ninja style, so Dusty can lay them out with Atomic Elbows and then riff on the People's Elbow, but RHINO rains on Dusty's parade by running in and beating him up, and THE BOSS (W/MOST OF THE LOCKERROOM) is in to make the save, and encourage a Dusty chant! Rhino vs Dusty....EWWWW!

ANGEL (W/STAPLE GUN AND OTHER BALD GUYS) vs NEW JACKRoadsign! Mailbox! Cheese Grater! It's a PLUNDAH sequence gone mad - into the crowd with another Baldie! Joey claims that piece of metal is (was) the roof of his automobile as Jack whips Angel into it! VACUUM CLEANER TO THE NUTS! A balcony dive! A Shovel Shot on New Jack! SOMEBODY GETS STAPLED! What, you say my play-by-play sucks? WELL, SO DID THE MATCH. (Shovel Shot -->Angel pin Jack at 9:02)

Here, in a Backstage Segment, FONZIE riles up both Sabu and Rob Van Dam, actually running to different locker rooms to do promos- methinks he's playing both sides against the middle.

Joey in Quotes: "The Sandman match will not take place. The Sandman has family business to take care of, and Paul Heyman let him go back to his family to take care of his business. We're a company built on honesty, we're not gonna run over a stuntman, or let dogs loose on a dummy, we're built on honesty, just thought you'd like to know the real reason why." GET THOSE SHOTS IN AT THE WWF & WCW, JOEY! YOU GO!

A Question: Ah, so that's why there's been SO MUCH FILLER (I didn't tape the pregame), but why not give us another match?

Okay: I kill off (most of) the silly jokes here: these last three matches rock and I want to get this done and up sometime before the next PPV. Whoops, looks like I lied about the colors ....HA HA, YOU WERE SUCKERED!

Rob Van Dam vs Sabu (ECW World TV Title Match)
Sabu takes the early advantage after the lockup, knocking RVD to the floor with a baseball slide, and AIR SABU! Back in the ring, Sabu nails a sweet slingshot kick, but a guillotine legdrop attempt misses, allowing RVD to nail a backflip splash - Irish whip -no, reversed by Sabu, boot to the face, and RVD gets SHOVED off the top rope! That bump looked UGLY. Baseball Slide (#2) from Sabu, and there's a springboard clothesline into the crowd on RVD! Van Dam finally gets the better of Sabu, who takes too long to set up a table, and hits a roundhouse kick to the face from the apron, and then busts out a somersault splash [clearing the top rope]! Back in the ring - no, RVD back on the outside, and Sabu fucks up an Arabian Powerbomb, dropping Van Dam on his knee instead of the concrete. Back in the ring, Sabu tapes his knee, and apparently asks Fonzie for a chair, which gets intercepted by RVD - Fonzie's in, and gives Sabu a chair - CHAIR FIGHT! RVD wins, tosses him the chair, Van Daminator ducked, Sabu swats RVD with the chair for two, Sabu with a guillotine legdrop [that hits the referee as well] and the triple jump moonsault, but the ref is out. Triple Jump Legdrop is executed as Fonzie wakes up the ref. 1,2,NO! Sabu going up top with the chair - no, RVD with a roundhouse to the chair to knock him off! Split legged moonsault for two! Sabu up, Chair toss, Sabu catches and ducks, RVD waits, VAN DAMINATOR. RVD up top - Sabu crotches him to prevent the Five Star Froggie, and FONZIE'S got the chair! RVD wants it - Fonzie won't give it to him. Sabu wants it - no dice, and there's a Van Daminator on Fonzie! YES! Sabu strikes with a clothesline - Triple Jump Splash coming up, but RVD blocks it by pulling the chair on top of himself! ***** Froggie by RVD - 1,2,3. (14:46).

Raven and Tommy "The Innovator of Violence" Dreamer (w/Francine) vs the Impact Players [Lance Storm and Justin Tolerable](w/Dawn Marie) (ECW Tag Team Title Match)
We get the "THESE GUYS REALLY HATE EACH OTHER" brawl all over the building to start. Raven, apparently, has been "Doing the Right Thing" by Tommy Dreamer lately, as the Sledgehammer of Plot rears it's ugly head again. When we get back to the ring, FINALLY, Dreamer and Storm start, Tommy hitting a neckbreaker and over-the-rope splash for two. Raven and Tommy then hit a Russian Legsweep/Clothesline combo for two, and Raven with the fist in the gut and Tommy with the swinging neckbreaker, and Lance Storm is heel-in-peril here. Credible in - superkick misses, Tommy ducks Credible's attack to walk right into a superkick. Credible *tagged* in now, and works on the back before tagging Storm back in, and hitting a double back body drop for two. Toucn and go - Tommy is now playing Injured-Tag-Champ-in-peril, before hitting a hangman's neckbreaker. He Really Needs To Make A Tag, but Credible's holding him, Lance Storm stomping on the mat, but the Sweet Chin Music nails Credible by accident! DDT by Dreamer takes Storm down, Raven tagged in, and he's the Injured Tag Champ O' Fire, tossing lefts and rights!There's the InTolerable Tombstone on Raven ..for 2.9! Storm piledrives Dreamer for two, then sets a table up on the outside - suplex attempt fails, Storm back in the ring, and gets back body dropped into (and through) the table. Credible picking up Raven, and there's Francine in with the low blow! Here comes Dawn to start up YE OLDE CAT FIGHT(tm), complete with Bronco Buster on Dawn! Credible has come into possession of a kendo stick - Raven shoves Francine out of the way, doing the right thing (nah, "doing the right thing" must be "selling that gowawful kendo stick shot that missed him by a couple inches") and there's InTolerable Piledriver #2. 1,2,3. (11:41)

Corino cuts a promo on Rhodes. No Comment.

Mike Awesome vs Lil' Spike Dudley (ECW World Title Match)
As "Highway to Hell" plays, Spike sets up tables around the ring, (including one doubledecker), displaying again that SNEER of doom! Awesome promptly tosses Spike, who goes thru a table. How many tables will we break? Spike back in - and Awesome tosses him again, this time through the double-stacked tables (#2 & #3.). Spike takes some more beating on the inside, but kicks out of a lateral press at 2. Clothesline, Powerbomb attempt is countered, the action spills outside courtesy of a move that vaguely resembled something that could be mistaked for a huricanrana. Awesome with a charging backflip splash into the fans. Back in the ring, Awesome tosses Spike into the corner, big boot, another charge, big boot AGAIN, another charge, YET ANOTHER big boot block by Spike. On the outside we go, Acid Drop Attempt is countered, but Awesome drops himself head-first across the railing and Spike lands in the seats. Awesome back to the ring - AIR SA-ER, AWESOME splash! Cool. Awesome plasters Spike with a chair, and Spike blades. Spike in, and manages a little offense, including a huricanrana off the top and a SPEAR! Huricanrana over the top - no sale! Well, you WILL sell this Sweet shoulderblock by Spike, and like it! A-Wandering around ringside we will go, and Awesome retakes the advantage. Spike has a nice four-alarm blade-job going on, as THE ANNOYING JUDGE GUY helps Awesome set up a table on the outside - Spike thrown to the post, then onto the apron - Awesome motions for the Awesome Bomb and wouldn't ya know it, Spike reverses to the Acid Drop (#2) thru the table! (#4). SPIKE BE TARZAN, BEAT CHEST! HE GIANTKILLER! Back in the ring, Spike goes for the Acid Drop (#3), but Awesome tosses him through the last remaining table on the outside (#5). Another table is set up inside the ring (following Acid Drop Attempt #4, which is called Attempt #3 by Joey-idiot!) and Spike's on the table --no, he's apunching away - uh oh, this doesn't look good - yep, it's a cruificix powerbomb off the top [say it with me, kids, Through Yet Another Table]. 1,2,3. (14:35). Final Table Fatality Count: 6. Acid Drop Attempts- 1 of 4.

T in Quotes (AKA My Thoughts): The first half of this show [save for the Dream Partner's Tag] SUCKED dishwater through a straw. Going match by match:

Whipreck vs Anderson: This wasn't that bad of a match, but it wasn't that good either, and the comedic value of "The Enforcer" is nil. Put that gimmick to sleep, Paul E., along with Lou E. Ugly. All things considered, this was...there. Thumbs Down.

Spike/Awesome Interviews: Surprisingly well done by both sides. Spike gets FACIAL EXPRESSION OF THE NIGHT, the sneer of DOOM! Thumbs up.

Six Person Tag: The first half was an overbooked mess: once all the smoke cleared and we were down to Chetti/Nova vs Doring/Roadkill, this match was watchable, and even got cool in spots. Thumbs in the Middle.

The Dream Partner Tag: ECW got a little too cute for themselves here, and almost screwed up a good match with a godawful angle. However, once the bell rang, this one ruled the world. They actually advanced the angle too, with a Guido heel turn. Thumbs Up, and Match of the Night, edging out RVD-Sabu.

The Dusty Rhodes Stuff: I do NOT care about the American Cow. My dad happened to wander by during this segment, and recognized Dusty, noted that he was wrestling before I was born [I'm 20, and did Dusty really wrestle as long ago as 1980?], and said, "That old hog must be 70 years old." HA!Thumbs Down [And that was sarcasm, by the way.]

New Jack-Angel: I hit you with this, I hit you with that, you blade, I job to a weakass shovel shot. MATCH OF THE YEAR! Thumbs WAY the Hell Down.

RVD-Sabu: The usual kickass match from this two, but I was disappointed, because we've already seen a better, longer match on free TV. Still, this was nothing to sneeze at, and Fonzie getting his face kicked in will never stop being cool. Thumbs Up.

Impact Players-Raven/Dreamer - I have no complaints here. This match was better than it had any right to be. Best of luck on a face turn there, Scotty, although it appears that Dreamer and Raven may be getting ready to feud over Francine. Thumbs Up.

Mike Awesome-Spike Dudley - In spite of the lack of suspense, the lameduck challenger, the goofy angle, and the fact that I don't like Awesome all that much, this match was entertaining and served it's purpose: I was pulling like hell for Spike to somehow hit that Acid Drop out of nowhere, and take the title. I'm a Spike Dudley mark now, he somehow made the match worth watching, and that's all there is to it. Thumbs Up.

Overall: There was nothing really special or momentous about this show. However, this one gets a Thumbs Up from me: with the exception of the Angel-New Jack "fight", this one not only entertained me, but blew away Starrcade & Armaggedon in terms of entertainment and quality, IMO, and I don't even really watch ECW on TV (except occcasionally on TNN). You go, ECW! Here's hoping that Paul E. and Company can keep the company rolling in the right direction in 2000. And you *can* quote me on that.

Mr. T
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