/Guilty as Charged Results
ECW Guilty as Charged
|Guest columnist: Mr. T
Our hosts, Joey Styles and Cyrus (YES!) open the Pay-Per-View proper in the ring, apparently to begin our hyperbole for the evening - no, looks like JOEL "TV-MA INTRO" GERTNER is here to help sell this ridicil....I mean, well-crafted, angle with Cyrus and the "Office". After the usual intro and annoying Cyrus on the mic for a bit [and confirming for Joey that, yes, he came out to get cheap heat, and oh, he has his paycheck and some lovely pootang awaits, so he is done], he scatters off. Joey: "The time for talking has ended: the time for action is upon us!" What exactly was the point of this segment?
It's E- C- Dub, and you're watching GUILTY AS CHARGED live on PPV, a presentation of ECW Hardcore Revolution: the Video Game from Acclaim!
MIKEY "WHO?" WHIPRECK (w/references to his recent WCW run) vs NOT "THE ENFORCER" (w/ the New Dangerous Alliance, and Lou is UGLY!)
Six PERSON tag team match: THE SIMON CHALLENGE (take it!), "Dastardly" DANNY DORING (w/Electra) AND A MUTATION OF THE UNDERTAKER & HILL BILLY JIM vs JAZZ, KID CASH, AND NOOOOO-VA
NOOOO-VA (w/no partners) vs ROADKILL & DORING in a Handicap match
Here's a backstage Segment where MIKE (MY POP IS NOT YET) AWESOME and THE ANNOYING JUDGE GUY THAT WAS POWERBOMBED BY SID gloat over the fact that they knocked the teeth out of SPIKE DUDLEY'S look-a-like girl's mouth. Speak of the devil, here's SPIKE & SPIKE-GIRL in a backstage segment where Spike is Very, Very Angry, judging by his harsh language and his abuse of anything nearby that is not nailed down. Spike's 'angry sneer' ROCKS! (Seriously.)
Next is our dream partner tag, and shots of TAJIRI(w/ STEVE CORINO) entering, followed by Super Crazy. Making a long tale short, Corino appoints *Crazy* as Tajiri's partner as Little Guido [w/ Big Sal E., who is w/o any shred of fashion sense] enters, and hey, here's THE BOSS to refute Corino's claim that he (Corino) calls the shots around ECW, and to appoint THE NEW F'N SHOW JERRY LYNN as the fourth man, so connecting the dots we have:
ECW Dream Partner Match- Tajiri & Super Crazy vs Little Guido(w/Big Sal) & Jerry LynnWith all the talk of team solidity, we're getting a heel turn here. I'll toss out my prediction: Crazy turns on Lynn. Lynn and Crazy start, and do a nice little mat reversal sequence [3 Leapfrogs, two missed crossbodies, and one successful crossbody by Crazy] that draws applause. Tajiri in: motions for Lynn to tag Guido, and he does.
SIDE TANGENT: It's the ECW PPV Debut of the SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT. It's fairly obvious by now that we're supposed to think Lynn is turning heel, so it AIN'T HAPPENING TONIGHT!
Guido charges in with a mighty slap, a takedown on Tajiri [he boxes the ears!], and Tajiri tosses in a handspring elbow and Tajiri's on the offensive! Tajiri's kicks are awesome [and incredibly stiff looking] as he goes into full Buzzsaw mode on Guido, who manages to get out of trouble with an armbar takedown, and an eventual tag to Lynn. Tajiri storms the corner with a clothesline, and here's THE TARANTULA! Guido breaks it up, and off we go to the HighSpot Trainwreck Moment: Super Crazy with the plancha on Guido, and Tajiri opts for a supercool Asai moonsault, and when the smoke clears from that, Lynn's in the Tree of Woe and getting a baseball slide to the face. Lynn with a German Suplex [non bridge variety] for two after a huricanrana off the top rope and a little help from Guido gets him out of peril. Tajiri hits a German Suplex w/bridge for 2.7, save made by Guido, here comes Crazy into the ring. Double Ten Punch Count-A-Long [en espanol] for Crazy and Tajiri, then double powerbomb time for Guido and Lynn, double cover, double two count. Double tornado DDT, double cover, double two. Skip to Tajiri hitting a springboard moonsault for two, Guido comes into the ring ...and hits Lynn with the Impaler! [His finisher?]. GUIDO hath turned! Tajiri with a super-stiff side kick to Crazy's head, and then hits Lynn with the brain buster. Uno, Dos, Tres. (12:36).
Productive Segment: Corino gets on the mic post-match to run down Dusty Rhodes, and just as usual, Dusty shows up and is standing there when Corino turns around. Heels are SO DUMB. Anyhow, Team Corino [Jack Victory, Tajiri, and Tommy "RICHIE" Rich] are kind enough to attack, black ninja style, so Dusty can lay them out with Atomic Elbows and then riff on the People's Elbow, but RHINO rains on Dusty's parade by running in and beating him up, and THE BOSS (W/MOST OF THE LOCKERROOM) is in to make the save, and encourage a Dusty chant! Rhino vs Dusty....EWWWW!
ANGEL (W/STAPLE GUN AND OTHER BALD GUYS) vs NEW JACKRoadsign! Mailbox! Cheese Grater! It's a PLUNDAH sequence gone mad - into the crowd with another Baldie! Joey claims that piece of metal is (was) the roof of his automobile as Jack whips Angel into it! VACUUM CLEANER TO THE NUTS! A balcony dive! A Shovel Shot on New Jack! SOMEBODY GETS STAPLED! What, you say my play-by-play sucks? WELL, SO DID THE MATCH. (Shovel Shot -->Angel pin Jack at 9:02)
Here, in a Backstage Segment, FONZIE riles up both Sabu and Rob Van Dam, actually running to different locker rooms to do promos- methinks he's playing both sides against the middle.
Joey in Quotes: "The Sandman match will not take place. The Sandman has family business to take care of, and Paul Heyman let him go back to his family to take care of his business. We're a company built on honesty, we're not gonna run over a stuntman, or let dogs loose on a dummy, we're built on honesty, just thought you'd like to know the real reason why." GET THOSE SHOTS IN AT THE WWF & WCW, JOEY! YOU GO!
A Question: Ah, so that's why there's been SO MUCH FILLER (I didn't tape the pregame), but why not give us another match?
Okay: I kill off (most of) the silly jokes here: these last three matches rock and I want to get this done and up sometime before the next PPV. Whoops, looks like I lied about the colors ....HA HA, YOU WERE SUCKERED!
Rob Van Dam vs Sabu (ECW World TV Title Match)
Raven and Tommy "The Innovator of Violence" Dreamer (w/Francine) vs the Impact Players [Lance Storm and Justin Tolerable](w/Dawn Marie) (ECW Tag Team Title Match)
Corino cuts a promo on Rhodes. No Comment.
Mike Awesome vs Lil' Spike Dudley (ECW World Title Match)
T in Quotes (AKA My Thoughts): The first half of this show [save for the Dream Partner's Tag] SUCKED dishwater through a straw. Going match by match:
Whipreck vs Anderson: This wasn't that bad of a match, but it wasn't that good either, and the comedic value of "The Enforcer" is nil. Put that gimmick to sleep, Paul E., along with Lou E. Ugly. All things considered, this was...there. Thumbs Down.
Spike/Awesome Interviews: Surprisingly well done by both sides. Spike gets FACIAL EXPRESSION OF THE NIGHT, the sneer of DOOM! Thumbs up.
Six Person Tag: The first half was an overbooked mess: once all the smoke cleared and we were down to Chetti/Nova vs Doring/Roadkill, this match was watchable, and even got cool in spots. Thumbs in the Middle.
The Dream Partner Tag: ECW got a little too cute for themselves here, and almost screwed up a good match with a godawful angle. However, once the bell rang, this one ruled the world. They actually advanced the angle too, with a Guido heel turn. Thumbs Up, and Match of the Night, edging out RVD-Sabu.
The Dusty Rhodes Stuff: I do NOT care about the American Cow. My dad happened to wander by during this segment, and recognized Dusty, noted that he was wrestling before I was born [I'm 20, and did Dusty really wrestle as long ago as 1980?], and said, "That old hog must be 70 years old." HA!Thumbs Down [And that was sarcasm, by the way.]
New Jack-Angel: I hit you with this, I hit you with that, you blade, I job to a weakass shovel shot. MATCH OF THE YEAR! Thumbs WAY the Hell Down.
RVD-Sabu: The usual kickass match from this two, but I was disappointed, because we've already seen a better, longer match on free TV. Still, this was nothing to sneeze at, and Fonzie getting his face kicked in will never stop being cool. Thumbs Up.
Impact Players-Raven/Dreamer - I have no complaints here. This match was better than it had any right to be. Best of luck on a face turn there, Scotty, although it appears that Dreamer and Raven may be getting ready to feud over Francine. Thumbs Up.
Mike Awesome-Spike Dudley - In spite of the lack of suspense, the lameduck challenger, the goofy angle, and the fact that I don't like Awesome all that much, this match was entertaining and served it's purpose: I was pulling like hell for Spike to somehow hit that Acid Drop out of nowhere, and take the title. I'm a Spike Dudley mark now, he somehow made the match worth watching, and that's all there is to it. Thumbs Up.
Overall: There was nothing really special or momentous about this show. However, this one gets a Thumbs Up from me: with the exception of the Angel-New Jack "fight", this one not only entertained me, but blew away Starrcade & Armaggedon in terms of entertainment and quality, IMO, and I don't even really watch ECW on TV (except occcasionally on TNN). You go, ECW! Here's hoping that Paul E. and Company can keep the company rolling in the right direction in 2000. And you *can* quote me on that.