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WWF No Way Out

Y Pac



Greetings folks! Welcome to my completely and totally arbitrary Star Rated NWO recap. I'm using stars just to upset people! I rule!

BTW, the guy that got hauled out of the PPV had just tossed a full cup of soda into the ring after HHH got the first pinfall on Austin. Further proof of my "It's not Austin, it's his fans that are retards" theory.

Raven vs The Big Show.
Big Show gets a bigger pop than Raven, which goes to show the type of person you get at these kind of things. It's hard to comprehend how large the BS is in real life. It's even harder to comprehend how slow and clumsy he is. Can you believe they're paying this guy more than Triple H? Damn. But anyway, on with the match. Crash appears dressed as a vendor, and BS eats him. Final Cut for Raven, and out comes the entire undercard division. BS chokeslams Raven for the pin.
Crowd reaction: Very Enthusiastic
My Score: ** Big Show blows goats, I have proof.

Canadian Chris x 2 vs X-Pac vs Eddy Guerrero.
Crowd pops Y2J like a he's Elvis, probably because they can remember his chant. "X-Pac Sux" chant hits, probably because the crowd heard it once on Raw. Girl behind me says "X-Pac is the worst wrestler they have!" I retaliate by X-Factoring her directly through the back of my seat.

Meanwhile, stuff has been happening in the ring, too. X-Pac gets nailed early, and spends most of the match crawling along the apron waiting for someone to tell him when to Job. The really cool 10-year-old in front of me screams "BENOIT IS A WOMAN!" I wave my X-Pac Doesn't Suck sign. The Cool Kid screams "KICK THEIR BUTTS, X-PAC!"

X-Pac, heartened by the fact that he has two fans in the audience, jumps in the ring and spinkicks somebody. Who cares who, it's a GREAT DAMN MOVE. There's a great moment when Eddy hits an AMAZING 'Rana on Benoit. Another great Eddy moment as he hits a rolling neckbreaker on his fellow Radical. Benoit is now a PISSED woman.

Justin Credible runs out, hits the Spinning Superkick O' Doom with X-Pac on Benoit. Hmmm. Shouldn't this be a disqualification or something? Or is X-Pac now allowed to bring Credible with him to every match, much like Jeff Jarrett's guitar?

Savage beatdown continues, and this is turning into a REALLY good match. Screw the audience who can't manage anything but a "Y2J" chant. Benoit, woman that he is, RULES. And Eddy isn't sucking as much as he usually does. Finally, Jericho rolls up X-Pac for the win.
Crowd Reaction: Cheering their fool heads off.
My Score: *** 1/2

Trish Stratus vs Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley.
As women's matches go, it was very, very good. I was pleasantly surprised. The crowd, however, felt cheated because they never got a chance to chant "Slut" at Steph.

Lots of what you'd expect: slapping, hair tossing, spanking. Trish has a HUGE ass in person. A few more Twinkies and she could be Rikishi's stunt double. Anyway, Steph hits a Powerbomb(!) and a funky 'not quite a Razor's Edge, or anything else' slam from the turnbuckle, soaks Trish with water, and then they double KO each other with a really weird double hairpull Helicopter thingy. Regal comes out, puts Trish on Steph. Thinks better of it, puts Steph's foot on the ropes. I can feel his pain. Trish gets pissed, Regal Neckbreaks her. Regal isn't a god yet, but he's getting there. Steph pins, Steph wins.
Crowd reaction: Ecstatic that they saw Trish's buttcheeks.
My Score: ********** as Women's Matches go. But on the Guy Match scale: -*billion

Steve Austin vs HHH.
Austin enters, and the crowd goes ABSOLUTELY APESHIT. Shows what they know. Several "Austin" chants ensue. I yell various curses upon Austin and all who cheer him. Austin dominates for the entire contest. Smarks out there will whine that H came out the winner, but make no mistake- H put Austin over big time.

Austin beats H down in the corner. Austin attacks H's elbow, because he's heard that's called "psychology". Hunter gets tired of carrying Austin and hits the Neckbreaker, then posts the knee a few times for good measure. Note that H is selling the hurt elbow. Note that Austin is NOT selling the hurt knee. Note that this is why H is a god, while Austin is a bastard.

H Figure 4's Austin, which gets a HUGE pop. Wow. Only H could make a crowd go berserk with a submission hold. H uses the ropes in true Heel fashion. Guy behind me screams "He's cheating!" Duh. Cool Kid in front of me screams "Break his leg, Triple H!" I love this kid. However, Austin reverses. Thez Press, clothesline, Stunner, and Austin takes the pin.

Second fall: REALLY brutal. Austin backdrops H onto the metal. Twice. Grabs a chair, and delivers the wickedest chairshots I've ever seen into H's prone form. Austin is all over H. Austin grabs the Foley Barbed Board, but H grabs it and whacks him with it. Austin decides this is as good a time as any to blade, and dives twixt the announce tables. Back out, H goes for the pedigree through the table, but sells the arm injury so that Stone Cold Steve No-Sell can backdrop him through the Home For Wayward Wrestlers.

Austin's up, and slips all over the place. He looks like a moose trying to ice-skate. H finds his Sledgehammer, which JR has been kind enough to stash under the table. What a guy. Some really mean-spirited brawling occurs, then H Pedigrees Austin for the second fall!

Third fall: The action's a bit slower, but given the blood loss all around, that's to be expected. H forgets that this is NOT standard Cage rules, and tries to climb out. Austin reminds him that they need a fall, in the ring. They both hit finishers, so they can both kick out of them. Really cool catapult into the cage by Austin. They grab their weapons and double KO each other. H has better hang time than Austin, so H gets the pin as his comatose form covers the Texas Rattlesnake. Austin gets up, hits the Stunner, then marches out to an insane pop as H lies bloody in the ring. Anybody that calls this "H refusing to job" deserves a molten steel enema.
Crowd Reaction: Near Riot
My Score: *********** cause H WON, son!

Tazz comes out. Crowd is on it's feet cheering. Fed production crew doesn't mic it, because it's only Tazz.

Jerry Lawler vs Steven Richards.
Nothing great here, except that the puppies are kept in the house. Stevie rips off his shirt and hits the Ho Train, making me hope for a moment that he's swerving us all and joining Right To Nudity. But no, it's just one of those pointless WWF moments that really don't mean anything at all. Kat tries to hit Stevie, pastes King instead. Crowd chants "We want puppies". I yell back "You need lives".
Crowd Reaction: Disappointed
My Score: * piddly little star.

The Dudley Boyz vs Edge & Christian vs Undertaker & Kane.
The Duds come out to a "We Want Tables" chant. Who'd a figured. E&C enter, and the crowd promptly falls asleep. Yeah, that's right, no-Pop the only real wrestlers IN this pathetic clusterf… uh, "clusterfight".

Taker comes out, and the crowd blows the roof off the building. I kid thee not, his pop was bigger than Austin's and Rock's combined. The crowd blew a freakin' gasket over the guy. All of a sudden it becomes clear to me: Nobody in the audience has actually SEEN a wrestling match since the 90's, so they have no clue who Edge & Christian are and assume Undertaker is like, Champ or something.

The match sucked.
Crowd Reaction: Couldn't of cared less about anyone other than Taker.
My Score: No stars. No cookies. Total waste of E&C.

Kurt Angle vs The Rock.
No amount of "Yup folks, Kurt Angle is gonna win tonight" can convince ANYONE in the arena that the Rock is gonna lose. Angle gets huge Heel heat, which pisses me off for some reason. Maybe it's because I'm convinced that Rock has been purposely playing a Heel for the last half year, and it annoys me that the Marks are too clueless to see it.

Anyway, there's nearly a non-stop "Rock-E/Angle Sucks" chant through the whole match. The notable exception being the brief, glorious moment near in the second half when you can indeed hear our "Rocky Sux!" chant, despite the best efforts of JR and the sound crew to block us out. Screw you Vince, we WILL be heard! Some of us actually don't buy in to the whole "it has to be Rock vs Austin at Wrestlemania" propaganda.

I noticed that the very next night there were more than a few "Rocky Sucks/We Hate You Rock" signs in the crowd at Raw. I have no clue if my small act of defiance helped spark this phenomena, but I sure as heck hope so. I don't hate the Rock, but I DO hate the mentality that says Rock or Austin must headline Wrestlemania. Kurt was a great champion, and he put over the little guys. People bitched about him wrestling Essa Rios, but guess what folks, at least it was interesting. Now that you've got your precious Rock back, I hope you're happy with an endless string of identical "Rock vs the same three guys for no apparent reason because the Rock don't do angles, folks" crapola that we dealt with during his last title run.

Oh, but the MATCH. Sorry. Uh, the Rock wins. That's about it. There were a couple of pointless false finishes, which even the crowd hated. They tried to mute the "Bullshit" chant, but it was probably audible on Pluto. The coolest moment of the night was when Kurt slapped the Right Angle on Rock, and said plain as day: "Tap you son of a bitch! Tap or I'll break your f***ing ankle!" I love Kurt. I'd like to think that for a second there he was Shooting. =)
Crowd Reaction: Rock-E! Rock-E!
My Score: Rocky Sucks! Rocky Sucks!

Y Pac
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