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/23 September 2000

WWF Jakked


Guest columnist: The Cubs Fan



As the upteenth rerun of "Married With Children" ends, the local ad hypes "Big Time Wrestling" next. I think that's there name for the WWF/ECW/WCW syndi block, but it's still dumb.

Cue that Jakked opening. There's no one interesting in there that shouldn't be there, though some of those people (the Rock, Austin, Taker, Kane) have as much chance of appearing on this show as they did on SuperAstros.

Dean Malenko (w/chicks and the LH Championship) and Crash Holly vs Lo Down - Crash is all about checking out the girls on his way down. Hayes: "I guess Dean can't decide if he wants hamburger or steak." I guess Lo Down are heels this week.

As Lo Down gets to the ring, I must say: Who the heck thought putting D'Lo Brown in a tag team was a good idea? Don't get me wrong, Lo Down's a good team. When announcers (like Michael Hays and Jonathon Coachman have here) say "they remind me of the New Age Outlaws", I don't disagree with them. Thing is, unlike '97 when the Outlaws got over, the WWF tag team division doesn't totally suck. It's the opposite...there are seven teams are over, ahead of them in the depth chart (Edge/Christian, Hardyz, Dudleyz, RTC, Too Cool, Acolytes, T&A) and little chance for Lo Down to move past any of them. Or reason for the bookers to push them past them - all those tag teams are filling their slots well (in some cases, too well, so they're being wasted), so there's no reason to push Lo Down up. And if he's going to be spend the same time on Jakked and Heat, how is D'Lo any better off teaming with Chaz than wrestling in singles? Isn't their a ready made feud sitting their with Al Snow for him?

On the other hand, Chaz is much better off - I was a big Headbangers fan, but they did near nothing after reforming, and got stale really quick. Given his (lack of) success in singles, this can't be worse.

Anyway, back to the match. Or the TNN plugs. "Check your local cable guide." How hard would it be to put a script on to have you input your zip code and get the channel number? I dunno. Chaz starts with Crash, body slam, off the ropes, walking legdrop. Chaz looks at the chicks. Crash up and punching, and then some kicks. Corner whip, reversed, Chaz misses the avalanche corner splash and gets hiptossed on the rebounded. Dropkick by Crash, dropkick for D'Lo, Dean in with a dropkick for D'Lo. Lo Down regroups on the outside. Tag in to D'Lo, who gets a crowd pop (as he's announced from Chicago) D'Lo with a kick, and a chop. Crash is whipped, Crash with a fall behind and then a drop toe hold. Crash with a forearm, whip, reversed, Crash dives underneath but walks right into a D'Lo sidewalk slam. D'Lo pauses, whip, blind tag to Dean, kick by Crash, D'Lo ducks Deano clothesline but not the kick. Dean with corner kicks, whip, head down to soon-nah, backdrop. Guess D'Lo didn't notice. Dean pushes Chaz off the apron to distract the ref, double suplex, and Dean hiptossed Crash on to D'Lo. Crash covers...but the ref notices that he isn't legal. As the ref discusses that with Crash, D'Lo with a heel kick for Dean, knocking him out of the ring. Chaz stomps him on the floor. Throw back in, body slam by D'Lo, D'Lo Legdrop gets a nice pop. D'Lo tags Chaz in, body slam, and then D'Lo flapjacks his partner on to Dean. Chaz lets him back up, Dean gets in a punch and a kick, but is stopped by an eye poke. Chaz with a hard corner whip (3 inches) and sits Dean up on the 2nd rope for the superplex. Chaz pauses, and Dean drops him, front suplex like. No one says "Psicosis" on this show. Chaz up, Chaz down from a missile dropkick (from Air Dean?) It's time to race for the tag. And they take enough time I can say "they're still racing." Tag to D'Lo, tag to Crash. Crash with forearms, and a flying headscissors for D'Lo. Chaz charges right into a backdrop, and gets clotheslined out. Crash stares at Chaz outside the ring for an obscenely long time, allowing D'Lo to sneak up behind him and - stand their waiting for Crash to turn around. He never does, but Dean does come over and forearm D'Lo from behind. D'Lo turns, Malenko goes Ski Hi. Crash breaks up the pin, whip, reversed, and Crash with a modified Thesz Press. That's 2, till Chaz breaks it up. Both Lo Down in, double whip, double clothesline is too high (that's what they get for fighting Light Heavies), Dean pulls out D'Lo and Crash hits the Sudden Impact (you got a better name for his finisher?'s way outdated bio doesn't), but Crash forget it's his big move (or Nova's or ...) and doesn't cover. Corner whip, Chaz moves out of the of the charge, and uses the pickup portion of his nottheburninghammer move to set up Crash for the top rope superplex. Hey, there's some Chicago native with a Lo Down. That'll be three. (5:35) Crash and Dean are ninth on the chart, I guess. We need them versus Kaientai to be sure.

Still to come, the Rattlesnake. But next, your favorite love triangle (not involving a Samoan.)

Unforgiven promo, in case you made it this far and forget what the top two matches were, I guess.

Tomorrow night, (or whenever), there's a Triple H/Kurt Angle match. In case you've been a coma since the Wednesday before SummerSlam, here's a clip package. Nice editing on the SS Pedigree move to make it look like Triple H was actually trying to do that. Lots of shots of Triple H accidentally hitting Steph. Lots of clips from the last two shows. The best moment of Smackdown (outside of Essa Rios being on Smackdown) was Triple H doing the Angle pose. Maybe.

In case you've forgotten in two paragraphs, Unforgiven is tomorrow. (Or today. Or, sometime in the past.) Besides that melodrama, there's Steve Austin and a World Title match.

Coming up, more Austin, criminal suspect Essa Rios will take on Taka, but next, Eddie Guerrero gets into trouble.

Here's that TNN commercial I saw too many times Friday night while watching something else.

Jakked is brought to you by people who have money. Why is the DX theme playing behind all of this? Hype of Chyna's fitness video leads to hype about Chyna's Playboy angle, which leads to hype of Rikishi vs Eddie (THIS SUNDAY) and some clips. Lots of video and sounds effects, for whatever reason. We don't use the shot that shows Rikishi taking it easy on Chyna. Was Eddie's accent toned this week? I must be imagining it.

The Latino Heartbreak Kid Essa Rios vs TAKA "Kai" Michinoku (w/Funaki) - decides to dive into the ring, underneath the bottom of the rope, sliding across two-thirds of the mat, for reasons known only to him. You know, I believe they do a four minute version of this match every so often just to tease us. There's another TNN plug, with graphic. I'm, by large, ignoring the announcers to do play by play, so I'm probably missing fifty or so. Taka's spending a lot of time walking around after the bell. Lockup, headlock by Taka, Essa with a shots, Taka of the ropes, shoulderblock, celebrate, Taka of the ropes, backdrop. Essa charges back at Taka, and he gets backdropped to the floor. Taka sets up...SPRINGBOARD PLANCHA! The announcers actually take time notice. Essa out on the floor, and Taka rolls in to celebrate. Essa pulls himself back into the ring, but gets stomped. Essa whipped, Taka lifts him up, but gets dropkicked. Now both men are slow to get up, Taka with a palm shot, whip, reversed, Essa with a spinning headscissors. There's a side backbreaker - he CAN do a move without leaving his feet! Cover, 2 count. Rios up with a jumping kick, but just runs into the ropes as Taka moves out he way. Taka with the weak shots to the back, then he and Funaki celebrate. Essa back to his feet, palm thrust. And another. And a third. Taka with a snapmare, and a stiff kick to the back of the head. The crowd almost reacted there. Taka with a choke on the ropes. I guess the plancha is all Taka's doing today. Ref forces a break, and Essa tries to get back in this with punches, but their Essa Rios punches (not very good) so Taka can turn the tide with just an eye poke. Palm thrust, corner whip, Essa kips up, caught by the legs by Taka, and dropped reverse powerbomb style. Taka covers, but that's not a Michinoku Driver, 2 count. Why does Essa's tights say "Eat This"? Do I want to know? Taka with a corner whip, high jumping knee, and a top rope dropkick. Now Taka's calling for the Michinoku Driver, and Funaki mimics him on the outside. He picks Essa up, but Essa jumps up, 'rana, only 2. Taka with another palm shot, and he goes to the top rope. Essa shakes the ropes, and Taka's crotched. Essa over...springboard 'rana! To the top rope, it's the moonsault, and Essa's going win this one. (4:39) Funaki does not punk out Essa post match. Hayes gets cut of in mid-sentence so Coach can hype...

Just Joe, and Perry Saturn are coming up, but next, let's watch that accident one more time.

Unforgiven Promo features SCSAustin, and shows suspects (including Scotty Too Hotty and Buh Buh Ray Dudley, huh?) but not Essa Rios.

The Lugz replays something you may have just seen two times already in the last couple of minutes: Austin getting hit with a car.

Highlight package. LET'S WATCH IT AGAIN. Lord. Anyway, let's watch Smackdown's opening segment again. Actually, this is more of a set of clips of people deny it over the last few weeks, like Dean and Lo Down and RTC. Here's Angle and Shane and Steph all denying. Austin says every WWF Superstar is a suspect. Could it be the Rock? The Rock says no. The Game? No. Undertaker? We don't get to hear him he react. Shane thinks he knows. Maybe it's Steve Blackman and Shane wants revenge. "Whoopass" is not censored on Saturday at 7, despite being so on Thursday at 8. Logic's not present in censoring, maybe it will be with the storyline.

Austin will be at Unforgiven. And Angle vs Triple H. And the World Title Match. It's tomorrow. And we're going get another one of these promo blocks later, I'm guessing.

Just Joe's on the way, but Saturn's next.

The M&M's whatever was the finish of Smackdown and Angle's post match stuff. I'm unused to all these commercial endorsements.

Perry Saturn (w/ Terri) vs Chad Collyer- Terri's not looking totally slutty today. But she does bend over so we can see her nipples. TNN Plug. Lockup, Saturn with headlock, Chad with a wristlock, but Saturn flips him over, Chad reverses it the same way, and all this chain wrestling isn't any good for me, 'cause I can't describe it well. Chad with a hiptoss to end this phase of the match. Saturn gives the jobber his props, but his sneak attack kick gets caught and Saturn's thrown down. Whip by Chad, hiptoss blocked and into the Saturn double arm belly to belly. Coach talks about the rule being changed for the main event, from what they announced last week. Nice of someone to remember that. Saturn with punches in the corner. Saturn with the Exploder suplex, and Chad plays dead. Maybe he is? Springboard 2nd roped twisting legdrop from Saturn. Chad's pulled close to the corner. Saturn's going go up...he's going moonsault? Yep, and not a pretty one, that misses. Chad up, clothesline. Vertical suplex, almost a brainbuster, so the announcers call it one. 2 count. Chad with a German suplex, and the announcers mark out at the moves Chad's pulling out. 2 count. Chad with another suplex, Saturn falls behind, Chad goes behind, Saturn turns around and Chad with Northern Lights Suplex for 2. had with a whip, but Saturn remembers he's the guy who's supposed to be looking good here, and reverses it into a fireman's carry flapjack. Saturn with the sharp superkick. Jackhammer-alike? That's the Rings Of Saturn. Chad submits. (3:15) Coach channels Ricki Lake while talking about Terri. Break.

WWF Magazine presents the Rock.

The Rock, Kurt Angle, Mick Foley and Triple H tell you to Smackdown the Vote.

It's up to "Over 90,000" voters. Or so they want you to believe. Here's that Smackdown Challenge graphic CRZ likes so much, but that gets cut off early, because we've got Just Joe's entrance

Just Joe (w/ awesome entrance video) vs Vic Capri - I haven't been paying attention to my Windy City Pro Wrestling that much, but I remember Capri was someone important. I'd be able to go to the website and check (, but not only does it crash my IE browser every time I use it, it doesn't seem to have been updated for a while. Lockup, and Joe shows of his mat wrestling before Capri shows off his ability to flip around in armbars. After some more chain wrestling, Joe off the ropes, hiptoss blocked, flip out, Joe misses the clothesline, but gets in punches to the back, whip, Joe to the mat and then up with a clothesline. Stomping. Joe with kicks. Push in to the corner, kick, corner whip, and Joe with a shot a follow up show in the back. Joe up to the second rope to pose, and stomp on Vic's back. Joe pulls Vic up to sitting position, and hits him with a STIFF kick to the head. Joe with a modified camel clutch around the top rope, but the ref breaks that up. European uppercut, and another. Whip, head down too son, Vic with a knee shot, forearm, forearm, cross body, but the larger Joe catches him, and...I guess that's an inverted powerbomb. Didn't look that impressive. Joe with a corner splash, but misses Vic. Vic up to the 2nd rope, Tornado DDT. Vic gets back up, top rope bulldog, and a 2 count. Vic with punches, corner whip, reversed, Joe charges into a boot. Vic's going for another Tornado DDT, but that never works, and Joe hits the Hearing Loss. (3:18 - He doesn't even HAVE a bio, you know. They do time to have put up some funny RTC commentaries; so that's what the Worm really means) Hayes really dislikes Joe for some reason.

On Smackdown, you may have seen Edge and Christian watch videos. If you didn't, you're watching it now. All I can think of seeing about this is that Matt and Jeff really must've wanted to see a Bret Hart/Sting match. I wouldn't mind seeing one now. Classic CRZ Quote: (5/24/93) "How do you get 'Matt Hardy' from a guy wearing trunks with 'HV' on them? Whatever." There's the traditional post viewing beating. Neither of them look like Richard Roper, you know.

Hey, you might have not heard, but the WWF's moving to TNN. Of course, you'd have to be deaf.

Did that ad for Early Edition show the Tribune Tower? That'd be ironic or something.

Jakked is brought to you by other people, too.

Tomorrow night, on Sunday Night Heat, they'll hype the PPV a little more. Speaking of PPV hype: Triple H vs Angle, Steve Austin Returns, Benoit vs Kane vs Taker vs Rock. Hayes predicts title change, so I'm screwed for picking Kane. That's it.

The Cubs Fan

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission