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WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




I wanted to complain a lot up about a certain personal move here but I've been informed no one actually read this so why bother, you know? I sure hope Zachary Rearick is holding up well.

oh, we started early. Oh wait, not soon enough - here's a commercial right in the middle of the open (hey, why did they replaced RVD with Big Show in that shot?) 

Now a blank black screen. I'm waiting for a "Essa Rios, in memory" marquee to show up but I don't think that's what this is about. oh I can fast forward. Give or take 30 seconds later-

Funaki (just getting to the ring - perhaps with his first name) vs Crash - We join Chris Leary (with Jonathon Coachman) in mid-sentence, which means he makes more sense than usual. Crash has red tights? Perhaps he's getting into the holiday spirit. Crash has a different walk and pose this week. Q: Who do you bet on when you have two guys with no finishers? A: Not the foreign guy. Circle - handshake, odd. Lockup, hammerlock, hammerlock, Funaki with the push in the back of the head. Funaki taunts and Crash isn't pleased. Circle, lockup, armbar, armbar, armbar (this is more amusing than saying "reversed" for me right now), headlock, cheap shot to the head. Leary (accurately!) says that it's hard to buy the Rock and Steve Austin as bitter enemies after SmackDown! Upon argument, Funaki maintains that it was actually an open hand shotay. Circle - Crash wants a test of strength. Funaki's okay with that and begins to reach, but no Crash changes his mind and wants it with the other hand. First, at least, you kinda need both eventually. Maybe Crash is left handed and wants the initial advantage. Crash switches hand again on Funaki to show that he's just screwing with him, and Funaki's less than pleased. But then he goes for it anyway, and Crash slowly pulls the hand up and down and Funaki follows with his and Crash gets in the cheap kick. Headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock by Crash. Crash off the ropes, Funaki drops down, Crash does kinda a front roll over, quick turn, Funaki's clothesline misses, Crash off the ropes again and gets the spinning headscissors. Funaki backs off to the apron. Now Funaki's doing the Eddie "I'm on my knees and have one hand behind my back but I'd really appreciate a handshake in the spirit of fair play" and Crash isn't thrilled. The ref (whose name I've forgotten - not Hebner(s), White, Long, Korderas, Robinson, Patrick - Mike Sparks?) orders the handshake! Funaki to his feet, and Crash heartily shakes the hand, smiling and cheerful. Then he bites the hand. That should be a DQ right there but strangely not. Funaki gets an eyepoke to escape (Coach notices that this match is taking longer than normal to get going - I think their goal is to never really get going) and hits a flapjack to get revenge. Funaki tries to get the feeling back in his (taped) hand. Snap mare, double boot scrape. Stomp. Whip, sunset flip by Crash, Funaki rolls through, both up, Funaki with a questionably low kick. Corner whip, reversed, Crash charges into nothing, bulldog. Celebrate! Whip, sleeper. Elbows out, off the ropes, knee lift by Funaki. Snap suplex, one two no. Earpull. Crash sells it like death, but right before Funaki can grab the other (as he's pulling Crash to his feet), Crash gets some punches in. Whip, dropkick but Funaki grabbed the ropes. Funaki's awful proud of himself. Now he's covering one two no. Cover again one two no. Cover again one two no. Funaki's angry now. Back suplex. Deep leg hook, one two no. Stomp. Pick up, no Crash with rights to the midsection, but Funaki with an eye rake to stop it. Turnbuckle smash. Kicks in the corner. Boot choke. Leary says Jericho's his own tag team - himself and his ego. Crash's head in laying on the bottom turnbuckle (you may know this as Bronco Buster position) and Funaki jumps on his shoulders and starts stomping. Crash up to his feet, corner whip, charge into an elbow, Crash with a double leg takedown. Crash goes to pick up Funaki, but Funaki kicks him away, into the corner, and Crash rebounds right into Funaki's crotch. It's not officially a comedy match till you work in the headbutt to the groin. Crash gets the better of the punches, whip, back elbow. Clothesline. Drop toe hold, Crash does the celebration, clapping, Funaki trips him up before he can go the ropes. Now Funaki does the clap, off the ropes, dropkick to the head. Celebrate! Boos for Funaki. Whip, clothesline misses, Crash goes for the bodyscissors roll up (and maybe messes up, if so it was covered by) Funaki sits down before he can get it going for one two Crash reverses one two three. (6:19) That count was quick! Crash runs around the ring like he just won a title! Funaki is in tears! Maybe Crash is the new Jakked champion? That was very bizarre.

Vince kisses, Billy and Chuck wrestle, but next, someone will become undisputed champion of the world. Well, not actually next.

The WWF main event month in 3:30. 4 3 2 1 contact

Coming up, issues in Team Extreme, but next, Chuck and Billy. Please stay.

Chuck Palumbo & Billy Gunn vs Skull Crusher and Kenny Anderson (already in the ring) - To continue the weirdness, Gunn (accidentally) cuts in front of Palumbo as they're walking out the entrance, then starts to go into Hogan mannerisms before he thinks better of it. Gunn is not the One, according to the graphic guy. Gunn is weird all the way down to the ring - hey, the return of local jobbers. And also, the return of no graphics for local jobbers - Coach is smart enough to quickly mention their names, then assure me that this is not Super Bowl MVP winner Kenny Anderson. He's white, so I don't think he was a point guard in the NBA either. Lockup, Crusher and Palumbo. Crusher is a nondescript bald black guy with a skull on his outfit. He's about Palumbo's height so he must look imposing when he's going against typical short indy guys, I'd guess. Palumbo controls and pushes Crusher into the corner. Strikes in the corner. Corner whip, Palumbo charges into a boot, Crusher charges out into an elbow. One two no. Slam. Elbow drop. Leary is on Undertaker's side - or at least willing to give that he has a side. One two no. Front facelock, tag to Gunn (reaction), kick to the ribs. Crusher with an eye rake, tag to Anderson. Anderson is a short blond guy. Anderson with punches, Gunn with punches. Corner whip, press slam. Stomps. Turnbuckle smash. Jab. Jab. Jab. Tag to Palumbo, slam, face first powerbomb/bulldog combination! One two no. Slam. Stomps. Boot choke. Lots of strikes in the corner. Slam. Tag to Gunn. Palumbo sets him in the corner, and Gunn charges, jumping butt misses, Anderson moves out of the way. Tag to Crusher. Clothesline for Gunn, no one else to clothesline so he'll cover for one two no. Push in the corner, chop. Chop. Gunn battles out of the corner and just about walks over to make the tag, but Crusher grabs a leg at the last second. Pulling him back into the corner, tag to Anderson. Choke on the rope. Rights. Corner whip, reversed, Anderson with a boot up, runs out into a tilt-a-whirl slam. Leary wonders how willing Lita will be to DQ either Hardy in that match. Tag to Crusher, tag to Palumbo. Clothesline for Crusher, clothesline for Anderson, dropkick for Crusher, whip, belly to belly overhead suplex for Anderson. Palumbo pauses to yell at Anderson as he rolls out and gets blindsided by Crusher with a forearm. Corner whip, charge in to the JUNGLE KICK, Crusher manages to stand just enough to take the Fameasser - Gunn has to remind Palumbo that he's the one that legal man one two three. (5:46

Saturn is here on Jakked - Coach hopes that maybe he won't lockup with the referee this week. But next, Vince on Smackdown.

So, on Smackdown, we had a skit. (7:24)

Coming up later, Team Extreme Angst. Next, Saturn.

My Sacrifice - Steve Austin. (2:46)

Perry Saturn vs (already in the ring) Mike Blatnik(?) - Saturn has the Radicalz theme? I don't remember that before. Lockup, see, I think that's Mike Sparks (I just remember who Michael Hayes made fun of) which means I can't remember who the short blond dude who wasn't part of WCW is in that first match. Yes, they're locking up again. I'm still waiting to find out if this other guy has a name. Coach notes that this is the fourth week he's done this. Sparks gets free and points out that he's the guy with the stripes and patch and the other guy is the person he's supposed to lockup with. Now he's got it. I might have spelled the name wrong but it's okay - he's a big fan of Christian, whoever he is, because he's dressed just like him. Lockup, armbar, takedown, cross armbreaker! Coach says Sparks might be the better opponent and makes fun of Blatnik - so is Coach going to end up managing him in some indy? Nah. Saturn with a knee, hiptoss, weird armpull, wristlock, "Moppy" chant (because that's the only thing they remember this guy from now), Mike with a hammerlock, hammerlock, punches by Mike, whip, reversed into an overhead belly to belly suplex. If you want to make something of it, Coach and Leary hype the 1/8 MSG show (Smackdown taping) as "huge" and "real big." Saturn's working on the left arm. Rights. Whip, despite being worked on for ninety seconds Mike shows no effect in grabbing the rope to stop short (and is distracted by his elbow pad not being tight enough and slipping to his hand often), then hits a kick to the head when Saturn's head is down too soon. Saturn's not really affected and charges, drop toe hold onto the top rope. Chops in the corner by Mike. Corner whip, reversed, Saturn with a leg sweep. Springboard second rope legdrop. Celebration. Armbar, Mike with an eye rake, back suplex. Forearm. Forearm. Forearm. Forearm. Saturn with a Northern Lights Suplex ("nice toss") with no bridge. Clothesline. Armbar takedown. The not-Rings-Of-Saturn for the submission. (3:12) I'm falling asleep. Let's watch Saturn walk away for no particular reason. Why haven't we cut yet? Why is Saturn looking back at the ring? He's looking in the crowd - no, he's got one of the cheeseheads from ringside, puts it on and runs around in the ring with it. I think Saturn was going for the microphone when we left.

Team Extreme had problems on RAW. Certainty a match with Lita as referee will solve all of this. "We'll see...who's're on." Matt's a huge William Shatner fan. (1:18) This ref gimmick would be a lot more surprising if Lita wasn't standing in the middle of the graphic LAST WEEK, but oh well.

Sunday! Sunday Night Heat! Live! Vengeance! Did Leary say for the first time ever for Jeff vs Matt? I hope not. Undertaker/RVD. And the main event. See you tommorow.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

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