WWF Jakked by Marc Taylor
|Guest columnist: Eric Taylor
R.I.P. Gorrilla Monsoon
WWF Jakked is hosted by Micheal Cole and Micheal Hayes. And it's recapped by Eric Taylor this week, because my bro Marc "The Mark" isn't home from Great America yet. We start things off with the requisite Godfather match.
The Godfather (w/ hos) vs. The Big Bossman
During his mic time, The Artist Formerly Known as Kama Mustafa makes his marijuana reference even more blatant by adding "light that blunt up." He goes on to ask The Artist Formerly Known as Big Bubba Rogers "Is that a nightstick in your pants, or are you just glad to see the hos?" Har har har. Cole keeps mentioning how the "wedding of the century" has been postponed. Think that has anything to do with Russo not being around to write it? Oh, if you really wanted play by play, you should watch the show and write it yourself. Besides, you aren't missing much. Godfather goes for the Ho-Train, but Bossman grabs his nightstick and pastes the Pimp Daddy with it to get the win at 3:49. It's about damn time somebody avoided that move. After the match the Godfather's "ladies" come in to console him. Bossman grabs his handcuffs and cuffs himself to one of the "ladies" and takes her to the back. I wonder how much she charges for that?
Now that we've gone through nearly 4 minutes of ring work, let's recap some stuff that happened on the important shows, shall we? To paraphrase CRZ, this show is the pretzels (I hope I'm using that right). Last Monday on Raw, Triple H promised not to "beat up on the messanger" and then stomped a mudhole in JR's ass. You won't see me getting clotheslined out of a chair anytime soon. "It's a damn slobberknocker!" A plug for Petrie! Oh, wait... Anyway, on Smackdown! Triple H called Austin a "redneck hunter" and then smooshed a rattlesnake in a burlap sack. I liked this better when it was Tenta smooshing Damien. Of course, I wasn't "smart" then, but...
The Airforce Slam of the Week is from Heat, where the ref doesn't care when Viscera kicks Chaz in his testicular fortitude. See, Chaz beats up women, or something, which caused him to be alienated from everyone else in the locker room. The Micheals mention Droz's accident at the Smackdown! tapings. Hayes reminds everyone watching (i.e. me) that even the professionals get hurt, so don't try this at home. Then, as if the Slam of the Week was picked on purpose, we go to...
Chaz vs Big Slow
Not much to say about this besides Paul Wight gets the win with the chokeslam in 1:44, and that I hate Paul Wight.
The Lugz Boot of the Week is Jarrett slapping the figure four leglock on Miss Kitty on RAW.
From Smackdown! we take a look at the mud wrestling match set up by Jarrett Enterprises. I agree with Lawler when he says Miss Kitty doesn't have a bad side. Once they are sufficiently covered in mud, Ivory rips Miss Kitty's top off. Moolah and Mae (Not So) Young show up for no reason, so Jarrett dumps them into the ring, and Chyna comes out to dump him in with them. Hooray. I'm so glad they showed this entire segment, since I was thinking the only thing Jakked was missing was some mud wrestling.
We're a little more than halfway through the show, and my brother returns from Great America. Since you are so concerned about the regular Jakked recappers well being, I will tell you that he puked twice, once after Batman and once after Shockwave. I'm sad I missed that. Or perhaps not.
Steve Blackman vs. Al Snow for the Hardcore Title
Answering the question "What does everybody want?" in Snow's theme, Hayes says "A raise?" Hayes rules. Since this is a Hardcore rules match, they quickly take it outside. Whoa, Blackman gets whipped into the ring steps but stops himself from hitting them simply by putting his foot up. There's no way the title changes hands here, you know. Holy crap, Snow rolls a bowling ball into Blackman's nuts! In case you haven't noticed, I'm only calling bits and pieces of this. Kind of like the WWF announcers. Back in the ring Snow misses with a cookie sheet, and Blackman kicks it into his head. A table is set up, Snow is placed on it, Blackman climbs the turnbuckles, but here comes Jim Dotson to distract Blackman and rob him of being the Hardcore champion. Snow comes to enough of his senses to realize Blackman is being SCREWED and gets up to slam him through the table, cover him, and retain his title at about 5:20.
Gangrel (w/ Matt and Jeff Hardy) vs. Inferno Kid
Anyone know anything about the Inferno Kid? Not too much happens until Gangrel nails him with the Impaler DDT for the win at 1:44. The New Brood comes in and stomps away at Inferno Kid. They're in the Terri Invitational Tournament, you know. Sadly, Terri remains absent. (sigh)
Tomorrow on Heat, Deja Video will take a look at Shane-O vs. Waltman from Wrestlemania 15. Neither my brother nor I remember if that one was any good, so we'll probably check it out. Hopefully Marc will be back next week. Adios amigos!
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