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/29 July 2000

WWF Metal NY by Kim (Bitchfactor)




WLNY-TV -- New York 55!
One World Leader Attitude has no "sponsored by World Wrestling Federation" chyron this week... how odd

Welcome to WWF Metal, your favorite one-hour infomercial for the WWF New York restaurant and entertainment complex in the heart of Times Square (the crossroads of the world)! I'm dogging it, 'cause I'm coming off a HORRIBLE week capped by a shitty Saturday night spent at our favorite Britpop dance venue, which for some reason was overrun by pod people whose mere existence served only to ensure that we would have a Bad Time. Highlights of the evening included a fashionable but wholly unattractive young couple deciding to have sex against the wall right in front of us, and then one of the overhead rotating lights going haywire, exploding, and sending glass shards everywhere, cutting a friend's arm. All in all a waste of good glitter, and I'm still pissed. And now, on with the show!

Here come BIG BOSS MAN to take on "the sports entertainment stylings of MIDEON!" That's a direct quote. Our humble hosts waste no time in telling us that thousands of totally pumped and way-stoked fans had a super-awesome time watching Fully Loaded at WWF New York, and it was rad. Even special guest Bossman "had a blast." Kevin Kelly likens Mideon to a quilt... figure that one out. Half-hearted brawling interspersed with standing around ensues. Kelly christens it "a back and forth affair" before we get the expected Bossman Slam for 3. (2:16)

Let's take a longing look at our hosts, TOM PRITCHARD and KEVIN KELLY. Pritchard always looks like a coke-addled record producer searching for the next Sheena Easton circa 1982. Kelly gazes at him adoringly. It's all so very wrong.

Take it away, JONATHAN COACHMAN. Before a pastiche of Rock jerseys and Hardy Boyz, Tazz, and Jerichoholic shirts, the Coach informs us that there will be a live event at MSG on September 23. Tickets go on sale August 8! And one man sure to be there is TAZZZZZ! Here's an old-school promo to help the segue along.

Tazz: "The path of rage will continue to run roughshod through every role model in this company. And whoever gets in my face will be just another victim. Because I am the human wrecking machine, and I'm thug-life born, thug-life bred, and when the time is right, I'll be thug-life dead. 'Nuff!" I think someone in production started laughing. Oh wait, that's just me. Tazz sports some very Hogan/BBP shades, by the way, though distinguished by red frames instead of the customary yellow and/or white.
Coach assures us that the atmosphere will be electric on September 23. Thanks, Coach!

STILL TO COME: Dean Malenko puts his Light Heavyweight gold on the line against Essa Rios! The Big Show returns to the WWF (with disastrous results)! And up next... Al Snow and Head take on Gangrel!

AD BREAK: Leave the danger to your friendly neighborhood WWF superstars, crap movie with skank Christina Ricci, 1800COLLECT, "The Replacements (w/ 7UP guy and no EMF)," and DeVry Institute.

The 1800CALLATT Slam of the Week: Raw-kishi takes a dive -- now HE'S thug-life born, yo

AL SNOW (w/ HEAD) vs. FLAMIN' GANGREL (w/ goblet of a red substance) -- By the way, a limited number of tickets are still available for SmackDown! at the Nassau Coliseum on October 24. Gangrel pulls Snow's hair like a girl while our hosts discuss flower fun betwixt HHH and Stephanie. Whip into the turnbuckle sounds mighty painful for Snow -- or maybe I'm falling for those wacky sound effects those production kids have been using nowadays. This is a relatively feisty match, but I don't care. Snow reverses the Impaler into a dragon sleeper for the submission. (3:42) Snow keeps holding 'cause he's CRAZY. Then he brandishes Head for the crowd's enjoyment.

STILL TO COME: Lo Down takes on Kai En Tai! Plus SmackDown highlights as the Rock looks for revenge against Kurt Angle! Smell it!

AD BREAK: 7UP guy needs a mop in aisle six; that's one creepy CGI'd talking Greyhound announcing low fares for summer; Hoku sings "creamy chewy choc'lit creamy;" and "WWF New York (?!) is brought to you in part by NECO Engines, Sleepy's (The Mattress Professionals with the Cartoon Hitler Mascot), and Strauss Discount Auto!"

Right Guard X-Treme Rewind shows us Rock chasing Shane around like a girl, chairshot from Angle, three-on-one with Benoit on Rock, then joining Big Show up top yonder ramp. That was X-TREME!

Let's look back at SmackDown, shall we? Angle: "Oh, God forbid 'the great one' get hit by a chair... Lone Star State? My ass!" Then Angle and Rock and Benoit tangle for in-ring fun. Rock again chases Shane like a girl. Angle makes out with the title belt before Rock snatches it back. Clips eat up (4:20 -- appropriate) total.

STILL TO COME: Highlights of Kurt Angle joining his "new buddies" -- Shane, Benoit, and Big Show! And up next, Taka and Funaki will be in action against Lo Down! The B-roll says so.

AD BREAK: "Klump it," Tone Loc for Gatorade, leathery misogynists for Castrol GTX, some loser for Snickers, anonymous hired "family" for the Long Island Power Authority, and some John Casablancas dropout for The Jewelry Source in Fort Lee (New Jersey)

This week, WWF Metal is brought to you by Stacker2, Foot Locker House of Hoops, and Dr. Pepper (as well as your local Dr. Pepper bottler)!

As promised, it's LO DOWN (a team in search of respect) vs. KAI EN TAI -- Let's look at D'Lo and Chaz as they show off their "newfound mean streak" on SmackDown! Taka and Funaki fanatically wave Japanese flags whilst coming down the ramp, which must prove they're the faces here, I guess. "D'Lo sucks" chant. There is no legal man in this match -- EVER. D'Lo to Funaki: "You stink!" Ooh, that's a burn. Funaki takes the majority of the abuse 'til Taka jumps in and starts kicking CRAZY ASS, but then he winds up on a turnbuckle and then on the ugly end of a superplex-Lo Down combo for 3. Damn, that's cold. (4:59)

STILL TO COME: Dean Malenko puts his title on the line against former champ Essa Rios! And the Big Show's back... and nobody's safe! Not even YOU!

AD BREAK: The new (with "same attitude" -- sorry, that's JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH), NAPA Auto Parts, 1800CALLATT, Wendy's ("It's hamburger bliss"), that fucking SCARY talking Greyhound and his damn summer specials, the state of Connecticut ("We're full of surprises"), 1800MATTRESS ("The original dial-a-mattress"), and the Culinary Academy of Long Island ("Catering is for me")

Here's a look at the devastating return of the Big Show -- he's DANGEROUS! Big Show chases Shane like a girl. Trash cans! Cinder blocks! STEEL chairs! The STEEL dotcom sign! Rock chases Shane like a girl... AGAIN! Big Show wonders, "Who am I?" to the benefit of the crowd. He's going to be all he can be! Here's some bonus beats featuring Edge and Christian vs. the Dudleyz! Hi-jinx galore! Show puts Kane through a table! It's pandemonium! It's escandaloso! Clips eat up (7:48) total.
Once again we go dancing in the dark, walking through the park, and reminiscing about SmackDown! -- Mandee (to the rescue) flops on top of Malibu Stacy! A lionsault takes out Benoit. Eew, Jericho, don't hold Lita's hand! You don't know where she's been! Jericho actually says some funny stuff, only to get punked out by Benoit. It's a conspiracy. The half-ton steel door gets dropped on his ass, resulting in "massive internal injuries." Have a nice honeymoon, Jericho!

Unbelievable -- Dean Malenko is walking! He's coming up next!

AD BREAK: There is no such thing as a good Kevin Bacon movie anymore; Dr. Pepper makes the young people dance; Anastacia belts it out for Twix; NY55 Joblink presents Sleepy's ("Our benefits package is exceptional -- ja wohl"); DeVry Institute, and NECO Engines

Chef Boyardee presents WWF Summerslam! Chef Boyardee is the mack.

DEAN MALENKO (w/ two surgically enhanced men) vs. ESSAY RIOS (the artistic high-flyer) for the Light Heavyweight Championship -- DARE we DREAM that the belt could change hands during a glorified infomercial? Bet you'd REALLY like me to do actual play-by-play for this match. Hey, guess what? Powerbomb attempt countered by Rios, rollup attempt reversed, cradle ("roll-through," whatever) for 3. (4:30) Guys in front attempt grabassing 'pon the ho's.

Before a backdrop of Road Dogg and DX T-shirts, the Coach tells us that Fully Loaded was THE ULTIMATE EVENT when experienced at the WWF New York restaurant and entertainment complex, located at the crossroads of America, if not the planet Earth itself. God almighty, are they EVER gonna take that ghastly scaffolding down? It's a BITCH to walk around during rush hour. Coach informs us all that the WWF New York restaurant and entertainment complex is the ONLY place with attitude in Times Square -- second only to my office, of course.

AD BREAK: No I won't see that movie, Strauss Discount Auto, Parker Tours, Your Favorite Cowboy Buddy Flip for White Post Animal Farm ("open 7 days, yeehaw!"), and the odd Window Factory ad

WWF Metal is brought to you by 1800COLLECT, Bally Total Fitness, and Castrol -- the official motor oil of the WWF

Here's some promoz an' grafix fer HeAT -- you've seen this all already I'm sure

And we're out! And with NO "thetruth" ads! There IS a god!

Kim (B)
[slash] wrestling

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In case anyone cares, this week MY version of "Metal" saw "old school promos" from the Rock and Chris Jericho - both pretended to be talking to Jonathan Coachman, but we never saw him.



Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission