/5 August 2000
WWF Metal NY by Kim (Bitchfactor)
Now that this here hour-long infomercial for "the unbrakeable" AutoLock Pro is over, it's time once again for WWF METAL!
WLNY-TV -- New York 55!
One World Leader Attitude is indeed "sponsored by World Wrestling Federation" this week -- thank goodness
Welcome to your hideously brief and curtailed due to VCR programming retardation look at WWF Metal as broadcast here in the LOVELY West Nile Virus-infected confines of the New York tri-state area! No time to order in the fried rice you so desperately crave... it's time for a match, dammit!
SWEE'PEA HOLLY (w/ scale) vs. ESSAY RIOS (the artistic high-flyer) -- As Rios rips off his pants (as tradition dictates), our hosts waste no time delving into the drama that IS Triple H and Stephanie. Crash immediately launches into a series of EXCITING HEADLOCKS! and I could really use some more coffee right now. Crash hoists Essa up by his right foot and he backflips right onto the top rope (oof!). Is there a name for that move? Essa attempts a belly-to-back suplex but is knocked off-balance when Crash bops him on the noggin a few times to possibly unintentional comedic effect. Other than that, it's mostly EXCITING HEADLOCKS! and then Rios to the top turnbuckle for a splash-type-thingie which overshoots Crash, who grabs him in yet another EXCITING HEADLOCK and drives Rios to the mat face-first for trois. (4:28)
Let's gasp at the horror of our hosts TOM PRITCHARD and KEVIN KELLY. Promised later in this week's Metal: Too Cool takes on the Mean Street Posse (of FATONES)! T&A tussles with Lo Down! Tom Pritchard: He feels for the Game. Let's pay a visit to the Coach!
Here's JONATHAN COACHMAN upon the usual backdrop of WWF merch and before he can get a shill in edgewise, my tape flips over to the Food Network. Indeed, I'd had too much Brooklyn Lager before I left the house for the evening on Saturday and wound up setting my VCR to tape channel 55 not from 11:00 to 12:10, but from 11:00 to 11:10. Oh, I got the octopus battle in its entirety, though. Don't think I'm pathetic enough to waste your time with a recap of THAT, though.
So... that's all I got for ya. Not even a single commercial break! I'm deeply saddened. It's just as well, though, seeing as how I went on to drink at least seven more pints Saturday night, found myself Ponying feverishly about the bar to the tune of the Spiral Starecase's "More Today Than Yesterday" around 3:30, then decided that eating crackers, scallion cream cheese, and corn on the cob at 5 was a good idea -- after which I zonked out fully dressed on a friend's floor with the cat clawing through my stockings the whole time (and with NO air conditioning) -- well, let's just say that I'm pretty useless today anyway. Hopefully I won't have the same trouble when I set up to tape "Passions" this week (Timmy SO rules) -- oh, and when WWF Metal rolls back onto my very screen this Saturday, of course.
Bombs over Baghdad!
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I happened to tape it this week, so allow me to fill in the blanks. In the first "old school promo," Commissioner Mick Foley talked about the tradition and history of SummerSlam, its importance, and why, for these and many other reasons, he had decided to book as the main event...Test vs. Rodney. We zoom out to see his daughter sitting on his knee. "That sounds stinky!" Gangrel pinned Mideon (Impaler 1'47"), Too Cool defeated the Mean Street Posse (Sexay hip hop drop -> pin Rodney 5'03"), and T&A bested Lo Down (Test pinned Chaz 4'17"). Oh, and the Rock did an old school promo too. Whew! - CRZ