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/12 August 2000

WWF Metal NY by Kim (Bitchfactor)




Let's take a few last lingering looks at our lead-in: the infomercial for the "unbrakeable" AutoLock Pro! Mmm, ratings.

WLNY-TV -- New York 55!

One World Leader Attitude is NOT "sponsored by World Wrestling Federation" this week

It's WWF Metal! It's a match! It's TAKA MICHINOKU (w/ flag) vs. BIG BOSS MAN (w/ sunglasses and hippie beater) -- Taka appears to be frightened by the Bossman's theme. He also looks doughy. Plus he do flop around some, don't he? Bossman slam for 3. (3:19)

Let's take a moment to get reacquainted with our hosts, TOM PRITCHARD and KEVIN KELLY. Pritchard's anachronistic mode of dress never fails to astound me. Kelly appears to have a bald spot on the SIDE of his head.

Take it away, JONATHAN COACHMAN. He's looking casual in a WWF-issue grey T- shirt. He reminds us that the WWF is returning to MSG on September 23. Why haven't you bought tickets yet? Oh, and he recently spoke to the Hardy Boyz about Edge and Christian. Smells like an old-school promo!

Hmm, it appears that LOS HERMANOS HARDY are in a backstage area talking amongst themselves, Coach. Oh, and you failed to mention that their constant companion, MANDEE TO THE RESCUE, is with them. Jeff Hardy is going for a Justin Timberlake look, while Matt opts for eau de Chris Kirkpatrick. And Lita, as always, looks like a walking ad for Mandee's. A beam in the background reads "C---------l Airlines Arena" thanks to a piece of adhesive tape. I'm sure you can all grasp the poignant scene. Now here's some compelling dialogue to go with it!

JEFF: Edge and Christian are so totally waxed by the Hardy Boyz.
LITA: So waxed. You guys are just getting started. And it's not even over.
JEFF: Totally.
MATT: And everybody knows that we should be the rightful champions. They've weaseled their way out for the very last time. You know what. It's time for us to write the final chapter in the book of the Hardy Boyz versus Edge and Christian.
JEFF: Man. I don't like those guys.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "compelling?" I need a fat bag of crank to wake me up after that.

"You guys are just getting started, and it's not even over." WHAT does that even MEAN?!

We go backstage to see WOW! Steve Blackman is PREPARING FOR BATTLE by waving around... those are commas, I think. He's just flinging them around so swiftly, I cannot hardly tell. This is like PORNOGRAPHY to some people!

AD BREAK goes here -- blame the "Homicide" marathon, I'm not bothering this week

We return to take in THE SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT STYLINGS OF MIDEON vs. MY BOYFRIEND'S BOYFRIEND, STEVE BLACKMAN in a Hardcore Title match -- Blackman cold breaks it down at the top of the ramp. Our commentators inform us that MTV will be doing a "special shoot" at WWF New York on Monday. We can only hope that's not a Vince Russo-style "special shoot." Bell rings and Mideon just walks out of the ring about 20 seconds in. Just TRY to have a purpose, dammit! YEAH! Onto the ramp! FEEL the STEEL grating! SMACK into the wall! NO! Not the TIN TRASHCAN LIDS! Those are LETHAL! "This is my house" arouses joy from the crowd. Aww, lookit 'im smile! Blackman executes a fascinating and innovative deathlock-type- thingie incorporating a trashcan lid under Mideon's jaw. Give that man a 20! His cuisine reigns supreme! Fire extinguisher! STEEL chair! Here's a trashcan! Blackman sets up Mideon in the chair, throws the trash can at him, and stutter- kicks it into his chest, sending him toppling over for the pin. (3.36) I made a cool diagram of that last sequence in my notebook with stick figures -- it captures the essence of the moment beautifully

COMING UP: Dean Malenko defends the Light Heavyweight Title against Essa Rios! Plus SmackDown! highlights!

AD BREAK goes here

WWF Metal is brought to you by Foot Locker House of Hoops, 1800COLLECT, and M&M's!

Here's a look back in anger at the Hardy Boyz' woes in re: Edge and Christian, with a special appearance by the Dudley Boyz. Clips eat up about 5:04.

Sunday on HeAT: The Right to Censor takes on the Hardy Boyz! You'd think that the RTC would be in approval of Jeff Hardy'z crucifix.

BACKSTAGE: Here comes Lo Down! They're wearing matching pants... and walking!

AD BREAK goes here

We return to find a tag-team match: it's FLAMIN' GANGREL and SWEE'PEA HOLLY vs. LO DOWN (a team in search of respect) for some reason. Come on, both you and I know you ain't here for no play-by-play. Bossman interferes, setting up Crash for the Lo Down. Oh, of course. (3:21)

STILL TO COME: Essa Rios vs. Dean Malenko! And an in-depth investigation into the #1 contender controversy. Who will face The Rock at Summerslam?

AD BREAK goes here

Here's a special video look at the #1 contender kerfuffle, with extra attention paid to Stephanie's split ends. Some Rusk Radical Creme would do you some good, Steph. Look into it. Clips eat up a whopping 8:10.

BACKSTAGE: Dean Malenko gets fondled by two surgically enhanced men! He defends the Light Heavyweight Title... NEXT!

AD BREAK goes here

Here's the Snickers Slam of the Week: Tazz attempts to go all "thug life" on J.R., and Lawler makes the save.

Now we've got ESSAY RIOS (the artistic high-flyer) vs. DEAN MALENKO (with two poorly dressed transvestites) for the Light Heavyweight Title -- I honestly think they fresh-picked that ho on the right from the stalls of the men's room at the nearest Greyhound station. I wouldn't exactly call her "fresh," though. This is a speedy bit of business, so our commentators are busy talking about the RTC. I'm seeing SPOTS! Oh, there's Malenko with a Texas cloverleaf for 3. (4:21)

The Coach takes a moment to rap with us about WWF New York. It's what the kids call "off the hook." You can watch Summerslam there live, you know. Why wouldn't you and all your hundreds of friends want to? Oh, you don't have hundreds of friends. Sorry.

AD BREAK goes here

WWF Metal is brought to you by Stackers2, Wendy's Classic Hamburgers, and Castrol!

HeAT PROMOZ: APA! Road Dogg-N-X-Pac vs. Lo Down! Hardy Boyz vs. the RTC! And a major announcement concerning Summerslam.

We're out! See you next week.

Kim (B)
[slash] wrestling

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