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JCW Stranglemania Live


Guest columnist: InVerse


The following post contains language that might be offensive to some readers. If you're offended by foul language, then I strongly suggest jabbing a sharp stick into each of your ears and then gouging out your eyes. You should be relatively safe after this. The post is written in true Juggalo style, so if you're not down with the clown, don't bother reading it.

JCW - Stranglemania Live - Opening Night
Fillmore Auditorium - Denver, CO - 04/14/2000

Juggalo Championshit Wrestling, for you bitches who don't know, is the wrestling federation owned and operated by the Insane Clown Posse. If you don't know who IC fuckin' P is, then you need to get your grandpa's dick out of your mouth and come down out of those hillbilly mountains.

The Fillmore is basically like a huge gym floor with raised platforms on either side. I suppose you could see better from the platforms, but fuck that. We're Juggalos and we go where the fuckin' action is.

The show started pretty much on time. Rude Boy came out with his arm in a sling and said he couldn't wrestle due to injury but that he would be our fucking ring announcer. He said he was hurt by Leatherface, but how the FUCK do you get injured before the first night? I heard from one of the guys on the crew that Rude Boy was fisting Leatherface's leather ass and Leatherpuss farted so hard that Rude Boy's arm shot out so fast that it dislocated his elbow.

But anywayz, Rude Boy brought out ICP and the rest of the Psychopathic Records staff that was on the card. Introductions were made, threats were hurled.. Fuck that, let's get to the action.

The first match pitted Tarek the Doink (some Doink the Clown wannabe) vs Izzy High, some pothead from Amsterdam. The match sucked, the clow won. As per the special stipulation, Izzy was forced to say "I'm a punk bitch" as if everybody didn't already know that. If pot doesn't impair your motor skills, the punk bitch never should have been in the ring to begin with.

Second up was Sharon Osbourne's attorney, Dick Nipple, vs. ICP's personal bodyguard, Billy Bill. This was a double table match where you had to put your opponent through 2 tables in order to win. Billy Bill came out, kicked the suit in the nuts, powerbombed him through a table, picked him up, did it again and left. More exciting than the first match, at least.

Next was Leatherface. Filling in for the injured Rude Boy was none other than the legendary, former WWF tag team champion, Pat Tanaka! Holy Shit! Pat Tanaka is still alive? For those of you too young to remember Pat Tanaka, you're probably to young to be reading this review too, so fuck off. Tanaka looked to be in about as good a shape as when I last saw him 10 years ago in WCW. If he gained a little weight and maybe gets arthritis, he might be invited back to WCW. Actually, I'm suprised that WCW doesn't have more Asian wrestlers, seeing as how they live to be 180 and shit.

Anywayz, Leatherface pretty much performed as always, which means he (she?) sucked ass. The only decent shot he landed was when he spit in the face of the guy behind me from 5 rows back. There were a few chair shots and Tanaka bled a little bit but other than that, the match sucked. Leatherface won by sitting on Tanaka's face until he passed out from the stench.

I'd like to take this time to say that the ref looked like X-Pac before he hit puberty and grew a beard, which was about the time he turned 27.

Next up was Uganda aka Kamala Jr. How the fuck do they expect us to believe that so many people in Africa are starving when all the wrestlers from Africa are 500 lbs? Anywayz, Uganda's opponent was Tom Dub, the 130lbs giant killer that got his ass stomped in a slight less than boring match.

Before the next match, the ring girl took it upon herself to lighten things up by flashing her tits. Most ppl were too busy watch Rude Boy's bitch ass in the ring to notice, but when she got to the top of the ramp, she pulled aside her thong panties and gave us a split also.

The next match pitted some richy bitch with the last name of Wellington who looked like The Maestro from WCW vs Kenji (or some shit like that) who was a fat white guy who painted his face so he could pretend to be Japanese. I wonder if he just did so he'd have an explanation for his small schlong. Come to think of it, the fat fuck did look kind of like Buddha.

The match was decent. Kenji (or whatever his name was) continued the tradition of the guys in face paint winning. And it's always fun to see fat guys throw moonsaults.

Finally, it was time for the hardcore shit to begin.

The first hardcore match was 2 Tough Tony vs Hollywood Chuck Hogan in a rubber coated barbed wire ladder match. Contrary too what you might suspect from the name, this just meant that the ladder was wrapped in barbed wire. It was just a weapon, there wasn't anything suspended above the ring. Personally, I think whoever climbed the ladder, grabbed the disco ball above the ring and shoved it up their opponents ass should have won. And if you're going to rubber coat the fucking barbed wire, use fucking clear rubber and not red & blue shit that's visible from the 5 row.

Anywayz, that aside, the match was pretty impressive. Highlights included Tony top-rope huracandradaing Hollywood through a ring of chairs and Hogan powerbombing Tony from the second rope, through the ladder that was laying across 2 chairs. The ladder fucking broke in half, prompting the first chants of "Holy Shit!".

After making a comeback, Tony went for an Osaii (fuck if I know how to spell that) moonsault and caught his feet on the top rope, sending him down on the back of his head. This, of course, prompted a chorus of "You fucked up!" He was fine, though, and a little later, with Hollywood Chuck Hogan laying across a table outside the ring, did an awesome 720 degree spiral through the table for the win.

Finally, it was time for the REAL hardcore shit. Mad Man Pondo came to the ring first and began spouting off crap that he kept saying worked in the USWA. Funny thing is, they still use the same kind of stupid crap in ECW today. Come to think of it, Pondo looked like that fat fucker Eric Embry that used to wrestle in the USWA.

Pondo's opponent was Fat Fuck Barrel Boy, the token redneck. This was a stop sign, staplegun, barbed wire bat, thumbtack match. Fuck the earlier matches that sucked, this match was worth the price of admission. Oh, and the ring girl was topless now. A little lyposuction and she'd be a hotty.

The match started out with each man almost throwing the other into the tacks. After that, the bullshit was over. First they hit each other with the stop sign, then they began attacking with the staple gun. I thought the staple gun shit was fake at first until ppl started throwing in dollar bills and they stapled them to each others faces. Then the barbed wire bat came in and the juice started to flow. The left half of Pondo's face was covered in blood and he had 2 dollar bills stapled to his fucking face. Fat Fuck Barrel Boy even took a staple to the balls. After some fun with the bat, each man took several ass first shots into the thumbtacks.

Then they started fighting into the crowd. As with 3/4ths of the time that action was on the floor, you couldn't see dick. You could hear the Fat Fuck Barrel Boy hitting a table once or twice, though.

Suddenly, Mad Man Pondo appeared on the stage, ripping off his shirt to reveal a Superman shirt and the crowd popped bigtime. Pondo then climbed up a scaffolding, edged his way across the balcony and flew off. I'm assuming he landed on Fat Fuck Barrel Boy but I couldn't see shit. However, the bell rang, Pondo was announced the winner and the crowed was once again chanting "Holy Shit!". I see now why ECW is so afraid of JCW.

At last, it was time for the main event. They started shit out right with the ring girl bare ass naked. This was a nice counter to the blatant homosexuality of ICP's opponents, Big Flame, Neil 'n Bob.

I found it pretty funny that the openly gay trio started the inevitable chants of "Fagget! Fagget!" themselves. ICP then came out with their special guest partner, local DJ Willie B.

Overall, it was a good match, though no especially memorable highlights. ICP showed that they really can wrestle, though WCW and WWF tried to lead you to believe otherwise.

I don't even remember how the match ended, though I'm pretty sure Violent J got the pin on Big Flame.

Overall, it was a great show. It had some boring sports, but the high spots made up for it. So with that said, I've got to word for ya... FUCK ECW.


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