/WWF in Worcester
WWF in Worcester
|Guest columnist: Michaelangelo
Good day to all my
Internet friends. Yes, it's Michaelangelo and rumors of my death are slightly
exaggerated. I am, in fact, still breathing (for now) and I do still enjoy
gluing my eyes to the television for a weekly dose of Sports Entertainment. As
for my weekly column, when and if it will return? Soon, I suspect. Likely at the
end of the summer. I think my batteries are way recharged and there is a lot
more to write about. Hey, someone has to help CRZ battle against The Mark, and I
am just the guy to do it.
Speaking of which, hey Chris, I will be in the Bay area the second week of September. Let me buy you a beer...or are you too cool to hang out with an East Coast Yankee? (Well, I'm pretty cool...but say no to free beer? That doesn't SOUND like me. - CRZ)
Anyway. Here I am, all ready to send you some spoilers for the Smackdown show in Worcester when I see that erstwhile reporter Eric Mansur has beat me to the punch.
Ah, no matter. Take this as my impressions of the night's events. I figure my waning popularity on this site will garner a few hits, anyway.
So, where to start?
Dark Match #1: The Haas Brothers versus the Dupps. Again. Yes, the same exact match from Monday night.
Okay, I lied. It isn't exactly the same. This one has a bit more energy, although it does elicit a "boring" chant from the crowd. The Dupps win (again) with the double sidewalk slam.
NOTE: This move is a sidewalk slam, but I am willing to bet that when these guys get TV time, nobody will call it correctly. Smart money is on good old JR calling it a "modified double spinebuster" or some such nonsense.
Next we are "treated" to a live performance of It Doesn't Matter by Wyclef Jean and The Rock. *Sigh* I shout "Hooty-Hoo!" for fun a few times. Only Cyan Indigo and my pal Scotty get it. Neither of them laugh. Ah well. At least WWF doesn't AIR this, or make an angle out of it, or put the rapper over the superstars in a wrestling match or backstage brawl.
Although, there were three cameras filming the performance, so one has to wonder, did they shoot a video? Hard to say, I did not see any of the live footage on the OvalTron.
Dark Match #2: Brutal Bob Evans (with ugly two-color tights) versus Joey Abs (with abs, pecs, and glutes). Abs looks good. He's meaner and nastier in appearance, and it seems like he raided Blackman's wardrobe closet for his in-ring gear. Scott on Evans: "He's brutal to watch." Abs wins with a modified Razor's Edge drop into a pin.
Down the ramp come Kevin "I have two first names" Kelley and Michael "Cyan Indigo calls me the Weasel" Cole. Must be time for the Heat tapings.
Heat Match #1: Matt Hardy (with Lovely Lita Meter Maid) versus Kurt Angle. Helluva good match here which makes me wonder why I have not been watching Heat. Oh yeah, it's on opposite Futurama, sorry WWF.
NOTE: I am trying to enjoy this bout but the lights over the ring are pointed right into my corneas. I make a startling discovery that the baseball hat that I usually wear backwards has some sort of protrusion on it. I think it is commonly called a "brim." I turn my hat around and the light is blocked out. Modern technology, it's a wonderful time to be alive!
Anyway, Matt hits many of his spots and Angle is right on the money in the ring. These two work well together. In a surprising tweener moment, Lita decided to interfere in the match and nails Angle with a tope rope jumping flying head scissors which gets a two. Later in the match, Lita pulls angle off Matt during an attempted pinfall. what's with the faces cheating here? Lita does end up on the apron again and is knocked off when Matt is whipped into her. Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley makes her first appearance of the night as she runs down to the ring, tosses her belt in Angle's corner and brutally beats the fallen Lita, sending her into the steel steps and onto the announcers' desk. Wow. The ref saunters over to enjoy the catfight, which gives Kurty-boy the chance to waffle Matt with the Women's Championship belt. An Olympic Slam and three counts later sees a victory for Angle. Postmatch, Stef and Angle celebrate together.
Chris Jericho cuts a funny, albeit long, promo on how he has become a crazed maniac since all the attacks on his person by Chris Benoit (woo!). He announces that the match at Summerslam will be a best two out of three falls match, which is okay by me. Jericho clams that the war between he and the Crippler will not end at the PPV, it will go on until they are both very old men. I do not do this promo justice, so watch it and get the real deal then.
Heat Match #2: T&A (with Trish "scaryboobs" Stratus) versus RTC. Major heat for RTC. Their entrance "theme" gives everyone a headache. At the onset of the match, Richards yanks Trish out of the arena, which enrages the slobbering front row fellows. The match itself is loaded with blown spots and miscues which enrages me. Mercifully, it ends when Albert absorbs a Steviekick while he is gorilla pressing the Goodfather. The former Pimp Daddy lands on the big bald local boy (he's from New Bedford, MA) and gets the 1-2-3.
Heat Match #3: Lo-Down versus Al Snow and "Just" Joe. Joe has his own music and Titantron video already. The video is actually kind of funny. There are still photos of him telling secrets to various superstars intercut with the words "Don't shoot the messenger." D-Lo does some worthless mic work running down his opponents before the match begins. Joe has some ugly damned tights. Not a bad first outing, but the crowd could really care less here. I guess you could say it's "just a match." It all ends when Al climbs to the top rope but is summarily crotched by a Saturn run-in. The Lo-Down follows and that's all she wrote. Postmatch sees Al chase Joe to the back.
The heat opening tapes: fireworks fireworks screaming screaming smoke smoke.
Heat Match #4: Dean Malenko (with two chickadees) versus Essa Rios: This match has Absolutely no heat. That's a shame, because they put on a nice show. Malenko gets the tap-out with the Texas Cloverleaf. So much for Rios' comeback.
I have an epiphany. There is nowhere to buy cheap cotton candy. It is simply not sold anywhere for a reasonable price. Think about it. You can only get it at arenas, carnivals, video stores, and amusement parks. It's always $4 for a cotton swap-sized piece. What a bite in the ass, eh?
The refs switch the ring ropes to blue and flip up the "Smackdown" apron flag. Kevin Kelley leaves and is replaced by Jerry Lawler. The King is very over here in Massachusetts.
The Smackdown opening blinds and deafens us. Now how the hell are we supposed to enjoy ourselves? Wait...vision clearing...hearing returning...Cyan Indigo's breasts pulsating.
Okay, I made that last part up...or did I?
Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, HHH, Shane McMahon, and Kurt Angle make their way to the ring. The crowd is divided here. Shane gives us a spiel about how the McMahons are all about power, success, ruthlessness, awesomeness, and family. He introduces the other three people in the ring to the crowd (as if we didn't know) and then replays part of Monday night's victory over the Rock. Steph gets the stick but I am distracted by a Bob Backland appearance in our section. Steph asks HHH and Angle to shake hands, which they do, after insulting one another first. Watch the show, it's quite funny. The handshake is followed by a group hug which brings out Commissioner Mick Foley right on cue. Foley congratulates Lawler for his bravery in recent weeks, plugs his upcoming children's Christmas book, and then rolled footage of Angle kissing Stephanie from Monday night. This enrages Helmsley who stomps around the ring like a caged animal. Mick then announces that the main event will be a non-title shot at The Rock. Who gets the shot? Mick tells the four in the ring that it can be any one of them, but they have to decide. He teases that Steph could be the one, but we all know that isn't going to happen. Mick makes a Survivor joke about the "Tribal Council" and "voting off the island" which I barely get because I am the only person in the world not watching that show. Thus endeth the opening diatribe.
Backstage Terri Twobricks and The Kat bicker about last week's mixed tag match. Kat promises that this week, her new partner and she will stand victorious and then "rub it in Terri's face." Aha! I deduce Rikishi and bet everyone in my section $5. Nobody takes the bet. Wimps. The bickering turns to arguing and then a catfight which leave little Stacey on her ass spewing obscenities at the departing Mrs. Golddust.
Shot of WWF New York and a huge Summerslam sign.
Backstage, the McMahon three plus one quibble about who get the shot at the Rock tonight. Steph and Shane leave to discuss it in private.
Smackdown Match #1: Saturn and Terri Twobricks versus the Kat and ???. The hip hop music proves I was right, but nobody is terribly impressed. The Kat Throws a heel at the onset, but manages to maintain regardless. The tag sees Rikishi gets his large butt handed to him during the first half of the match. He comes back but for some reason makes a tag to Kat while Saturn is the legal man. Kat kicks Perry in the junk but Terri makes the save. As The two women throttle each other, Saturn lays Lawler's girl out with a clothesline. Terri gets the cover and wins the match. Postmatch sees Saturn get punked out and Terri's attempt to make the save earns her a stinkface. Crowd pleasing sports entertainment value - A, wrestling value - D.
Backstage HHH and Angle continue to fight over who deserves the shot more. Shane and Steph arrive and announce that it will be Shane who takes on Rocky tonight. Since this is all happening on camera, you know that this is all designed to fool us and The Rock into thinking that these guys are not on the same page. We know that no matter who gets the match tonight, the others will make the run-in. Is it just me, or is this shit a bit too predictable these days?
Smackdown Match #2: Eddie Guerrero (with Chyna) versus Val Venis (with Trish "Scaryboobs" Stratus) for the Intercontinental Championship. Good match which culminates with a Chyna powerbomb on Venis from the apron to the ringside area. This raises Trish's ire and she grabs a pitcher of water from the announcers' desk and smashes it over the Ninth Wonder's noggin. Owch. This distracts Latino Heat long enough for Venis to schoolboy him for a three count.
Backstage Steph has an idea. She, not Shane, should face The Rock tonight. Shane poo-poo's the plan.
Elsewhere, Chyna meets with Mick Foley and destroys his "office." She's still pisses about that pitcher shot before the commercial. This happens way too often in this business. Do you go into your boss's office and trash it because someone stole your lunch from the company fridge? I think not. Anyway, Chyna wants a match with Trish. Mick will not book it because he knows that Chyna will kill Trish. Instead he books a mixed tag match for SS. Guess the participants.
Smackdown Match #3: The APA and Crash Holly versus Kientai and the Big Boss Man in a "No, I don't understand these teams either." match. Why does Ray Traylor still have a job? Nobody likes this guy. He's slow and old and boring to watch. Ugh. Ending occurs when BBM walks out on his partners who get destroyed by Farouk and Bradshaw. Crash gets the pin.
Backstage, more crap from the McMahon gang. Shane announces that since Angle fought Rocky last, HHH gets the shot. Angle takes this as an affront to his integrity and storms out.
Y2J is out to do commentary. This must be a Benoit match which he plans on messing
Smackdown Match #4: Chris "the greatest wrestler on the planet no matter what my friend Scott says" Benoit versus Steve Blackman for the Hardcore Championship. Blackman is cool but Benoit is icy, so guess who wins in my book. Too bad my book isn't the same as the one that has the ending to this match in it. The two men mix it up well, but Jericho runs in when things get desperate for the Lethal Weapon. A chairshot to the Crippler spells disaster as Blackman gets the pin. Unfortunately for him, Benoit is pissed and slaps on the crossface a couple of times to show his dissatisfaction with the ending to his match.
Backstage, Kurt Angle is upset. Steph tries to con sole him, but no, he is taking his ball and going home. Not bloody likely. Can you say "ruse" boys and girls?
Smackdown Match #5: Edge and Christian versus Jeff Hardy (with Matt and Lovely Lita Meter Maid) and D-Von Dudley (with Buh-Buh Ray). Uh...okay. I assume this is non-title, but who knows? Mixed signals see Jeff hit the swanton on a fallen D-Von. Edge decided to move at the last minute. Heh. The whole situation breaks down into a brawn between the Hardies and the Dudleys. Guess we'll see these two teams go at it Monday night.
Kane (without Abel) is backstage waiting for someone.
The RTC comes to the ring and all three men get time on the mic. This runs too long. Let me summarize it for you, they don't like Rikishi's ass. They want it off TV.
Kane is still backstage.
Elsewhere X-Pac is still laughing at Road Dogg's extended stinkface from Monday. Road Dogg is not amused.
Kane attacks helpless inanimate objects backstage.
The camera focuses on the commentators, but we cannot hear what they are saying. The crowd pops as Tazz comes through the audience and attacks Lawler from behind, slapping on the Tazzmission. After some persuasion from referees, he lets go and stomps off. Lawler is escorted to the back.
Kane is walking.
Smackdown Match #5: DX (with massive hatred and disdain from me) versus Too Cool. I hate these two teams. The climax to this match sees X-Pac and Road Dogg arguing over who gets to use their finisher on Scotty 2 Hotty. Push comes to shove comes to blows. Before we are treated to the big fight, Kane makes his appearance and chokeslams both men. He gets the stick. "Why did I chokeslam my brother? I accept what I am on the inside. I am a MONSTER!" translation: The Big show is injured and Shane needs a big man for his stable. The Undertaker arrives backstage and walks right into the ring still selling his injuries from Monday night. He gets in Kane's face and eventually the situation become a brawl. Kane wins as his brother is already weakened. A few chairshots and blood from the Undertaker, Kane leaves victorious. UT again refuses help to get to the back.
The King comes back at this point, stopping for a moment to check on UT who is on his way out.
Smackdown Match #6: HHH (with Shane and Steph) versus The Rock. Mick comes out after HHH's entrance and tells the McMahons and the Helmsleys that he has booked two title matches for Monday night: Steph versus Lita (pop) and Shane versus Blackman. Oh God, they are going to give Shane the Hardcore title. He then tells them that this match is a nontitle, non-McMahons at ringside match and escorts them out.
Why doesn't Mick think ahead and make it a "no interference from anyone" match? Hasn't he learned by now that when you leave stuff up to chance, the bad guys will win? *Sigh* I am a mark.
Anyway, Rocky comes out and we get a good classic HHH/Rock match. Rock's program with Benoit shows here as he performs moves and reversals that we are not used to seeing from him. The Rock has the People's elbow set up after a ref bump but Kurt Angle makes the save with a chair. Helmsley Pedigree's Rock and Angle revives the ref. That's the match. HHH has beaten the champion. Has Rock beaten HHH in a singles match yet?
Rock is laid out as HHH and Angle shake hands and celebrate together.
I assume that this is where the cameras shut off.
POST TV: Rocky gets the mic and calls his assailants back. They beat him at first but he turns the tide and rock bottoms both. People's Elbow for HHH and he leaves. HHH gets the stick and announces to the crowd in "Providence" (whoops) that he and Angle are okay.
Not a bad show. It was over late. We left the arena at about 11:30 or so. Those attending live shows be on the lookout for Corn Nuts people giving away free samples.
A question: Does Bob Backlund appear in non-New England shows? He is campaigning in the area somewhere, so I am not sure if he tours outside of the RI/CT/MA area.
So, hope you enjoyed this. The GBU will be back soon. Keep an eye out...likely in September. If you sill want it. Send me a mail. Let me know.
Questions, comments, paper mache animals? Send correspondence to firstname.lastname@example.org. All letters will be answered or liposuctioned.
I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.
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