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Guest columnist: John Orquiola


SmackDown spoilers live from way, way up in the cheap seats of the FleetCenter. The arena was practically full, but the long commercial breaks of the TV taping typically took the wind right out of the crowd's sails. Most of the pops were for entrances. Even the "What" chants were subdued. Here's what happened.

Spike Dudley defeated Funaki with the Dudley Dawg. Spike has undergone one of the fastest demotions in wrestling history: tag team champion to curtain jerker in just seven days. Fun little match, mostly because Funaki played the heel and I love Funaki.

Coach and Tazz came out to the announce booth. "Yankees suck!" chant starts.

Rob Van Dam defeated Lance Storm. This was my first time seeing both of these men live, so that was pretty neat. Storm has gotten away from using the Maple Leaf, which sucks since watching him apply the move (especially when he rolls into the leglock) was always a highlight of his matches. RVD won with the Five Star, which Lance was in perfect position for, not that it would have mattered. RVD was mighty over with the "RVD" chants. RVD certainly has something - but I'm not sure it's something I like. But I could see how in maybe five, no, ten years he could be as big a star as Stone Cold Steve Austin. He needs to keep his feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

Edge defeated Mr. Perfect by DQ. Pops for both men. Edge is very popular. I could see in maybe ten years he also could be as big a star as Stone Cold Steve Austin. Perfect is already a big star and naturally came up with perfect counter to the Spear: shove Nick Patrick in the way of it. With Patrick down, Perfect went for a chair, but found out he was disqualified and took the Spear anyway.

Test defeated The Hurricane. No Mighty Molly tonight. Test got a pop, go figure. The Hurricane had several near falls on Test, but couldn't put him away. Test even kicked out of the Eye of the Hurricane. Hurricane resorted to a flying bodypress but got caught and ended up taking Test's weird new finisher: some sort of roll of the dice-like reverse neckbreaker. You'll see it on Thursday (or maybe he's done the move already and I don't remember. I hate Test, unless he's on Fear Factor. Then he's all right.)

Rikishi defeated Perry Saturn. Hometown boy Perry Saturn ended up with Rikishi's ass in his face, thanks to the Banzai Drop, shades of the late Yokozuna.

Coach and Tazz leave. Ring ropes were changed. Pyro was set up. Michael Cole and the King took their spots at the announce booth.

Lillian Garcia sang the National Anthem. Lookin' and soundin' mighty fine, that sweet, sweet Lillian. She stuck around as the ring announcer too. Where in the blue hell is Tony Chimel?


The Dudley Boyz and Jazz defeated The Hardy Boyz and Lita. Stacy came down with her leg in a cast. Buh Buh Ray wanted to cut a promo in the ring, but they couldn't get him a mike that worked, so they just abandoned the whole idea. Jazz came out and went after Lita immediately. The two sets of brothers did their thing for a little while, until a donnybrook broke out. Lita did the Wassup spot on D-Von, I think, and then she took control of Jazz and was about to give her the Twist of Fate when a miracle happened and Stacy's leg was miraculously healed! Heels always have the best recuperative powers (Triple H's quad took eight months to heal because he was turning face. Had he remained a heel, he would have been back in two weeks.) Anyway, Stacy flattened Lita with a spin kick, and Jazz put her away with the Fisherman Buster.

The first of several Skits I Could Barely Hear took place. Backstage, the Undertaker was enjoying his beatdown of Arn Anderson on the monitor. Flair interrupted and still refused a match at WrestleMania. He then shut off the TV [Undertaker: "Hey, I was watching that!" I love that guy.] and threw the remote across the room.

Stone Cold Steve Austin, his right leg bandaged up and carrying a steel chair, hobbled to the ring. Before he could speak the n W o arrived and remained on the stage because - remember, kids - they called a truce on RAW. Hogan spoke first, mostly about taking out the Rock, and then he left the Austin matter in the capable hands of Hall and Nash. Hall made it clear that Austin would be taken "down and then out" at WrestleMania. Austin retorted, we said "What" a lot, and then he made his way up the ramp. Austin then took out a pistol and fired it at Hall, missing him. Austin fired a second shot and Nash ended up in a net. Austin attacked, but Hall managed to beat him down and got Nash untangled and off to safety. A dejected Austin then wandered back to the ring, drank some beers, and left. One of the weirder segments I've ever seen. I wonder if they'll keep the first shot of the net, which missed entirely, on TV?

Sadly, disappointingly, that was the only n W o segment of the night.

The Big Show pinned William Regal. Thankfully, this was non-title. Goofy match between the two with Show with a comedy finish. After a ref bump, Regal went in the tights for the knucks and decked the Show with the Power of the Punch. Show falls on top of Regal, who flails his legs about comically as he can't get out from under the Show. Show gets the pin, Regal wiggles free, and leaves while Show slumbers in center ring. Does this mean the Show is the number one contender to the Intercontinental title?

Booker rehearses a jingle he wrote himself for the Japanese shampoo commercial, but Tajiri and Torrie are unimpressed. Booker hoped for more enthusiasm.

Stephanie and Chris Jericho lounge backstage, but soon Stephanie is upset that Jericho bought her the wrong kind of body lotion and she orders him to go get better lotion for him. To the crowd's anger and disgust, Jericho leaves to get her lotion. Where, I wonder, will he get this lotion? It's almost 10pm, the closest place to the FleetCenter that has the fine shops Stephanie would patronize would be Quincy Market, and that place is closed. Ah, I think too much.

Maven defeated Goldust in a Hardcore Title match. Oh, Chris Harvard is sitting behind the announce booth again. The Undertaker rolls out on his Harley and I notice to my profound amazement that again, I never saw them move the stairs! They were there when the match began and now they're gone. The Undertaker tries to get even with Maven with some soupbones. Al Snow runs out to save his prized student and he gets some offense in before the Undertaker laid him out. Flair then runs down the ramp, grabs a crowbar or something from the Harley, and pummels the Undertaker with it. Flair grabs the mike, and it's still a no for WrestleMania. That was one packed, busy segment. And there was gold dust everywhere. It took forever for the crew to sweep that stuff out of the ring and off the ramp.

Chuck and Billy defeat the APA. I'm not sure this was a tag team title match or not. The APA dominated the match but Billy managed to hit the Fame Asser on Faarooq and get the pin. Well, gee, it seems to me the APA don't deserve that title shot in Toronto after this.

Maven rests in the back with a medic. Goldust appears with a referee, attacks Maven, and pins him to become the Hardcore Champion.

Tajiri is on his cell phone. Booker assumes he's talking to the Japanese shampoo people and takes the phone from him. Booker promises a great audition for the commercial and ends by saying, "Sayonaya. Peace. I love you." Fucking hilarious. Booker is comedy gold.

Booker T defeated Scotty 2 Hotty. Booker brilliantly countered the Worm by putting his foot up so Scotty gets booted in the face during the fourth "Hoo!" It then dawns on me this is the first time I've ever seen Booker T live and I pop like crazy for the Spinnerooni. Booker gets the pin with a Harlem Side Kick. All eyes then go to the monitor where we learn the Japanese shampoo people are actually in the building! And they've awarded the contract for the shampoo endorsement to Edge. Poor Booker. How could the Japanese do that when he told them he loved them? Booker T is understandably upset and takes it out on Scotty. Albert runs down for the save and Booker ends up taking the Worm after all.

Stephanie decides to visit Triple H in his locker room. Kane and Hunter are having a pow wow, but Kane hightails it, leaving the former loving couple to discuss their divorce settlement. Stephanie not only wants half of Hunter's money, but because she made him who he is today, she wants half of everything he ever makes until he dies. Hunter isn't down with that and doesn't see why she should have half of his assets since he "didn't squander his fortune on that stupid ECW." Ah, so this is how the legacy of Extreme is remembered. Eh, so be it.

Triple H and Kane defeated Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle. Monster pop for Triple H completely eclipsed by the "You Suck!" chant in coordination with Angle's music. Pretty good main event from these four with Kane playing Ricky Morton. Stephanie gets involved a couple of times and the crowd is teased a Pedigree on her, but Jericho saves her with a belt shot. Steph later delivers the weakest chairshot ever to Kane, but Angle saves her, only to be Pedigreed and pinned. Not much of a happy post-match celebration, just Triple H posing in the ring. He may have three H's in his name, but he's no Hollywood Hulk Hogan, brother.

And that was that.

Oh, I went to this show with one of my buddies, who also happens to be my lawyer. There's something terribly amusing about my lawyer arriving in business clothes, disappearing for ten minutes after we get to our seats, and coming back decked out in a long sleeved Deadman Inc. shirt.

Damn, I'm tired. Sleepy time for me.

Sayonara. Peace. I love you.

John Orquiola
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