WWF House Show
|Guest columnist: Ronnie Cox
WWF Kaboom Box House Show
San Jose Arena
Hi there, Ronnie Cox here to bring you the low down on the WWF's trip through San Jose. First off, let me explain about these house shows for people who have never gone to one. House shows are stripped down versions of your regular Monday night wrestling. Most of the time they include one or more of the following things; long lines, long drives and people who take this a little to seriously.
So anyway, at about 7:29 the Fink comes out to some boos and some really bad music. Is that Guns and Roses I hear? Here comes the shameless plugs, JVC, Fully Loaded, and remember to have your pets spayed and neutered. Just kidding. Please don't throw things and don't piss off the wrestlers and you will listen to the National Anthem. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse here comes Michael Hayes. He yells some crap about San Jose. A lynch mob is now forming and here comes the Hardy Boyz. I really think these guys are pretty weak. That's o.k. Though because it's time to bust out the plastic vampire teeth and here comes the Brood. They get a pretty big pop. Does Edge ever stop smiling? The Hardy Boyz control most of this match. Christian takes a double teaming for most of it until he pulls off a reverse DDT and tags in Edge who starts throwing out spears for everyone. The Brood takes control till Gangrel runs out and hits Christian with that crazy DDT of his. Of course the ref is reading the newspaper at this time and doesn't see it. Winners of this one; The Hardy Boyz.
Mideon vs. D-LO Brown
Mideon comes out spouting some crap about how we need enlightenment from the Undertaker and that the European belt will not be on the line tonight. D-LO's music fires up he hits the ring on the attack. Highlights of this one; D-LO takes a face full of steps and craps out on a moonsault from the second turnbuckle. With the chanting crowd behind him D-LO take charge and hits Mideon with the LOWDOWN and pins the freaky Mideon. It,s a quick match so they make up some time by plugging Fully Loaded where D-LO will get a title shot.
TRIPLE THREAT HARDCORE TITLE MATCH: Al Snow, Hardcore Holly, and Steve Blackman
You know everyone loves head and it shows. How do you write about a match like this? I'll break it down to weapons and other highlights. A three way headlock. All right, I know it,s not really a highlight but it is pretty stupid. The cookie sheet made an appearance and everyone used it. Al snow busts out the broomstick and Blackman beats the crap out of everyone with it. Holly grabs a fire extinguisher which doesn't appear to work. Snow goes low and punches Blackman in the groin. Holly sprays himself in the face with the extinguisher. The ref. goes down.. Blackman drags in a table and Snow gets placed on the table and then moves as Holly, from the top turnbuckle, gets chucked threw it by Blackman. Snow hits Blackman with Head and then pins Holly. The bump Holly took from the table was the best of the night.
Double J and The Magic Puppies vs. Test
I don't like JJ so I spent most of the match watching the puppies with a pair of binoculars and I wasn't very far away. If anyone reading this is going to a television taping anytime soon please make the following sign, FORGET THE PUPPIES WE WANT TO SEE THE KITTY !!!! So, as you probably guessed, JJ won the match. The Fink plugged the WWF magazine and the 3:16 special issue.
INSERT PLUG FOR FULLY LOADED HERE
Nightstick Match Big Bossman vs. The Rock
Right on, the Bossman got the biggest boo of the night. Way to go Ray. Time to cover my ears as The Rock's music starts. A huge pop for The Peoples Champ. The Great One does the usual, "blah blah blah has returned to San Jose" and we get to sing along. Sweet. If you have ever wondered what The Rock is cookin I think I might know. It contains copenhagen, beer and a little dash of B.O. That's my theory on it. So the Bossman gets the upper hand till The Rock pops him with a chair on the outside. After hitting him with the deadly Peoples Water, The Rock went for the nightstick first, only to have his trunks pulled down. I did not pay money to see the Rock's roody poo candy ass. The Bossman then starts using his belt. The Rock took control again and gets the nightstick but also receives a free drop onto the top rope. Both go down with a double clothesline and The Rock,with the help of the people, gets up first and hits Bossman with Rock Bottom which is followed by the dreaded Peoples Elbow. After laying the smack down on the Bossman, The Rock then treated us to his rendition of Heartbreak Hotel. This guy is funnier than hell. Thanks Rock. The number of times ROCKY was chanted during this match 9.
INSERT SHAMELESS PLUG HERE ALSO
The Big Show vs. The Undertaker with Paul Bearer
This is a match I've been waiting to see. The deadmans music fires up and out he comes. My god , Paul Bearer is a gruesome looking guy and here comes The Big Show. This guy is friggin huge. Taker attacks The Big Show while he was working the crowd. This one spilt outside the ring quickly, with The Big Show on most of the offense. These guys are pretty quick for their size. Back into the ring, Taker slows down the pace with a reverse chinlock. so we can bring you a message from the WWF. Just kidding. Taker then proceeds to knock himself out after giving The Big Show numerous headbutts. Out of nowhere comes a chokeslam for Taker. Big Show goes for the pin, only to have Mideon run out and take the boots to him. The Big Show fends off both of them and they decide to leave. The winner by DQ; The Big Show.
SHAMELESS PLUG FOR MERCHANDISE
The Godfather vs. Prince Albert
It's homecoming day in the WWF as The Godfather returns to San Jose and even his mom was there. The Godfather only came out with two ho's this time, but like I've said, it's quality over quantity. Everyone lights it up for The Godfather. Godfather offers the ho's to Prince Albert who accepts the offer and then offers a cheap shot to The Godfather. Not much of an offense for the Prince as he quickly steps in front of the Ho Train and then gets rolled up for an inside cradle. The winner of this one; The Godfather. The ho's then proceed to freak the ref. This is a real highlight of the evening. As The Godfather leaves he holds up a fans' sign and gives some props to the weed. Blazin' ain't easy.
NO SHAMELESS PLUG WHAT'S UP WITH THAT
Dog Collar Match Road Dogg vs. Mr. Ass
I'm hoping for some blood on this one after kickin it doggy style. They play Mr. Asss' music for the Road Dogg, morons, and he calls them on it. Mr. Ass comes out and tells us he's not gonna wrestle this match.
Now I've seen some brutal collar matches and I don't think this is gonna be one of them. The Dogg is running the show from the bell. He takes a break from the beating to get some fan support and receives a trip to the tree of woe. Then they got the match screwed up and nothing happened. Very sloppy. Did I really need to see your ass for the fiftieth time Mr. Ass? I didn't think so. Dogg gets his melon dropped onto the turnbuckle which had a pile of chains on it. That was cool. Mr. Ass goes for the Famasser but the Dogg counters it with a pump handle slam for the three count. The Dogg then gets a complimentary beating for all his hard work. I thought you had to touch all four corners to win this? Anyway the Dogg leaves. More props to the pot sign. Your winner; The Road Dogg.
Acolytes vs. X-Pac and Kane
I'm looking forward to this match. Acolytes come out all uptight yelling about beating someone up. Blah Blah Blah. Out comes X-Pac who gets pounded as he's jumping around. Pay attention and it wouldn't happen. The crowd starts cheering for Kane, who I think is in the can at the time, because X-Pac sure took a beating out there. Eek, hellfire and brimstone and here comes Kane. He clears the ring and tags X-Pac back in, who then receives a fall away slam for his antics earlier. It now becomes the wear down show, who's gonna give first, X-Pac or the crowd? He tags in Kane who hands out a tombstone for Farooq and X-Pac rolls over to get the three count. X-Pac took a version of the 3-D before this. X-Pac then gets the crowd going for Kane and Kane raises X-Pac's hand to signal their victory. I'm gonna cry. Very touching. This was a pretty good match.
WE'RE GONNA GIVE AWAY A KABOOM BOX, AREN'T WE NICE?
Main Event; The Champ, Steve Austin vs. HHH and the man known as Chyna
This one's for the belt folks. This was a typical meeting between these two. They both did all the moves that they do every week, so I'm not going to go into much detail on this one. It was an O.K. match. The highlight was when Austin grabbed for Chyna and broke her top. Oops. She ran off to get a new one as Austin kicked the crap out of HHH. My friend Juan saw a little more of Chyna than anyone should. I think he'll be O.K. in a couple of days. I told him not to watch through the binoculars. So anyway, Austin hits with the stunner and wins. He then proceeds to drink about a twelve pack and offers a few to the ref.
All in all it wasn't too bad. I wish Mick had been there. But that's all right. A pretty good card and some entertaining wrestling. I give it three chairshots out of five. I guess they'll be back on Sat. Nov. 27. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Austin gave the finger about thirteen times, that includes the dreaded double bird.
Keep it real.
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