1. Stone Cold Steve Austin (fka The Ring Master) DCOR 8'59" Savio Vega *. Goldust and President Roddy Piper had a face-to-face, which came to blows. Piper said "If it's a backlot fight you want, then that's what you're going to get! ...I'll make a man outta ya!" 2. The Godwinns 1'43" Jerry Mead & Alex Porteau Henry (slop drop > pin) Porteau 3. Hunter Hearst Helmsley (pedigree > pin) 1'52" Ben Greer *. It was announced that Helmsley would be facing the Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania XII. 4. Yokozuna & The Undertaker DQ 5'19" Owen Hart & British Bulldog *. During the match, Diesel walked out and then laid out Paul Bearer. As soon as the Undertaker saw him, he left Yokozuna to be double- teamed. Vader ran in when Yokozuna started to come back, triggering the DQ. This triggered Ahmed Johnson and Jake Roberts running in, setting up the (rumoured) eventual 6-man match for WrestleMania Next week's show features: Bret Hart vs. Tatanka Jake Roberts vs. British Bulldog Three years ago on RAW: Getting pumped for their half of the big DOUBLE MAIN EVENT at WM9, we open the show with a real treat: a Megamaniacs interview. Highlight: Hulk Hogan sings "Getting to Know You." Money, Incorporated do their part by defeating the Miracle Jobber Combination (El Matador and Virgil) in a non-title match. Tatanka beats Phil Apollo, while on the phone, Shawn Michaels says 'tanka has no chance to take away his Intercontinental title. Mean Gene says that not only will WM9 be the greatest ever because it has Hart/Yokozuna and Maniacs/Money, but also because Giant Gonzales will face the Undertaker! Where's my piggy bank? Papa Shango manages to beat Mike Edwards without the aid of his Roman candle, Bob Backlund beats Tony Demoro, and Rick Martel (who had been making cameos throughout the show) loses to Mr. Perfect. In an innovative move, the pin takes place during the ad break to make you think the show is live (it's taped). Funniest thing Rob Bartlett said this show: (to McMahon, fifteen minutes before the main event) "Didn't you say Perfect was gonna win?" Monday Night RAW, coming to you LIVE 11.3.96 from the Freeman Colesium in San Antonio, Texas (have you heard? It's Shawn Michaels' home town!) and broadcast on the USA Network (and some other places). Standard disclaimer (Wot! No Sunny?) The WWF: for over fifty years..... Your commentators are Vince McMahon and Jerry "the King" Lawler. Vince says "Ring Master" for the last time... "The Carribean Legend" Savio Vega v. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin - we quickly start with Austin (now known as "The Man with Four Names") showing off his ring skills until meeting with a Vega elbow. Vega manages a high cross body for 2, then a couple armdrags to boot. Unfortunately, he tries for a third and forgets to take Austin with him. Now it's Austin with the pounding - he's a master tactician, you know. Back and forth we go - Austin with axehandles and Vega with clotheslines. The tide finally turns Austin's way when Vega goes for the Superkwang and misses. Austin follows with some probably illegal tactics. Vince takes time out from the commentary to tell us that Mark Henry, the WWF-sponsored entry into the Olympic weightlifting contest, is in the audience. Nice suplex from Austin. Finally, Vega's had enough and chops away. A splash attempt is met by two knees in the gut, and Austin get another 2 (with help from the ropes). As Austin takes it to Vega, we take an ad break. When we come back, Vega is doing that house o' fire bit, but is reversed into the corner. Vega backs out - and into a vicious clothesline. Y'know, Stone Cold Steve Austin may be a master tactician, but he sure does a lot of punching and kicking. Lawler seems to have a preoccupation with the lack of hair on the heads of the participants in this match. Austin is still punching, breaking it up a bit with a chop every now and then. 2 count. Punch, elbow, boy, things haven't changed a bit since I last reported RAW. Finally, Vega comes out of a whip into the ropes with a Superkwang. Now they're trading blows, now Vega has the advantage. Vega with the hip toss. Vega whips Austin into the ropes and follow with a tremendous Superkwang that not only takes Austin out, but takes Vega over the top rope (crowd loves it). Oh, no, when the ref starts counting THAT fast, you KNOW someone's getting counted out. Oh, no! They're BOTH counted out! Hmmm, I wonder if they'll be meeting at WrestleMania. Anyway, the extracirricular activity continues until Austin, flanked by Ted DiBiase (oh, did I mention he was at ringside?) convinces Austin to walk away. Earlier tonight, Mark Henry (WWF-sponsored entry into the Olympic weightlifting contest) bodyslams Jerry Lawler, thus establishing him as a face for Atlanta. Courtesy WWF Superstars: Savio Vega advances to the semifinals of the Tag Team Tournament with a victory over The 123 Kid and Tatanka. (Razor Ramon stands nearby.) The last match of the first round pits Skip & Zip (presumably standing in for Flip) against the Hongi Kids, Luke & Butch. Now we're ready for Interim Interim WWF President Roddy Piper to announce the Ultimate Warrior's opponent for WrestleMania XII...no, wait! It's Goldust's music! And the camera has changed to letterbox mode! What does it all mean? It means Dok Hendrix wants to take us the the WWF Store! Out comes Prez Piper (he's not smiling) to give Goldust a piece of his mind, having seemingly forgotten about the Ultimate Warrior. Piper is hilarious despite using the words "fruitcake," "cream puff," "transvestite," "Phyllis Diller," and "Days Inn." Piper reminds us that he beat up Adrian Adonis with a baseball bat, and then comes clean by telling the world that he (Piper) is...a lesbian. You know, I always suspected. "Those are kids down there! Those are adults up there!" This is family entertainment! Finally, it's 'dust's turn. Goldusts' movie of the week is "Patriot Games." Goldust...well....hits on him, I think. I dunno. We climax (so to speak) with the Bizarre One sneaking a glimpse unna da kilt. Piper takes umbrage, we have a staredown, we have one more overt flirt, ah, there's the slap. Goldust returns the gauntlet and poses again. Piper knocks him down (knocking off his hair in the process!). "You want a backlot fight? Well, it's a fight you've got! And I'm gonna make a man outta ya!" Well, hell, THAT wasn't very presidential. Say, where's the WWF going so I can be part of "the spectacle that is the World Wrestling Federation?" Experience it live Friday in Hartford, Saturday in Landover, and at MSG Sunday. Don't forget, WrestleMania XII takes place in the Arrowhead Pond at Anaheim! RAW is brought to you by Burger King. Let us take you back to moments ago. Slap. The Godwinns v. Jerry Mead & Alex Porteau (the GWF guy?) - Phineas shares a biscuit with Hillbilly Jim's dog, and seems to turn into a mule, or something. Mercifully short, with Hank slop-dropping Porteau. WrestleMania is once again brought to you once again by Tyco R/C (Maximum Heat!) The main event, for the WWF title, is a one hour Iron Man match between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Jim Ross files a report of how Hart and Michaels are training. First, Michaels introduces us to the Super Sock, Jose Lothario (did I spell that right, Dave Fields?) who is Shawn's mentor and trainer. Jose calls Michaels a Conquistador, or something. Exciting footage of Shawn exercising and telling us about his Dream. And Bret Hart? Well, he's back in Calgary training with Stu and talking a little trash, too. Geez, who does he think he is, Jerry Rice? Anyway, Mexican wrestling isn't "tough" like Calgary wrestling. Hart is a master of submissions and Michaels is "limited." The clincher? "He can't lace my boots up." Wow. THAT'S gonna make him some fans. Karate Fighters presents the Slam of the Week: Yokozuna wins ANOTHER handicap match with the Banzai Drop. The Man They Call Vader must be watching this! Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Ben Greer - Oh yeah, we forgot to tell you: HHH will be the opponent for the Ultimate Warrior. "He was faster than a cheetah - stronger than a grizzly, more terrifying than a great white shark, and just when they thought it was safe to go back into the ring (cue music) he's back, and you ain't seen nothin' yet." Vince says this could be the Ultimate WrestleMania (like the Ultimate Fighting Championship?) Helmsley has the requisite babe accompanying him. This match is just a bit longer than that last tag match, ending in a Pedigree. Scheme Gene reports from the Geriatric Control Center. You know, the Huckster and the Nacho Man are fighting on the Free-for-All. Gene says "might as well give it away...even I can't find a way to make a buck on this one!" A special stipulation has been added - no handcuffs or ladies' shoes allowed at ringside. Footage of the Huckster "training," followed by the Nacho Man going for the psychological edge - with the help of some Hair in a Can. After some really heavy Turner-bashing the past couple of weeks, this one was great. Gene: "Rumours are flying about the sun and the possibility of darkness tonight...will there be nightfall? I can't tell you on TV, but call the hotline for exclusive information!" 1-900-LYING BALDY flashes on the screen. Next week: footage of the FTC hearings. Owen Hart and the British Bulldog are in the ring, Yokozuna is on his way, let's take an ad break. Whoops! We've switched the feed for the video wall with the feed for television. Here's a good look at Yokozuna's logo. Hype for next week's big match: Bret Hart vs. Tatanka. Oh boy! When we come back, Yokozuna is startled by the bells tolling the Undertaker (and the lights going out). Look, there's Diesel checking out the match! He mentions some cryptic "rumours" regarding Shawn Michaels and then shoves the camera out of the way. Meanwhile, the 'Taker has almost made it to the ring. What can I say about this match? All four wrestlers are in the ring the entire time until Owen Hart gets tossed out. The Undertaker follows, and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner occupies himself with those two, so cue Diesel, who comes out and wallops Paul Bearer. The crowd seems to have a problem with that. Vince DEFINITELY has a probably with that. Finally, the Undertaker sees Bearer laid out and goes out to check. Paul tells him to go get Diesel, so off he lumbers. Hey, there's a man out of the ring! That must mean it's time for an ad break! When we come back, Camp Cornette has pretty much been having their way with Yokozuna. In case you just forgot it, here's a double feature of Diesel beating up Paul Bearer. After a few more minutes of Hart and Smith beating up Yokozuna, the Samoan finally gets his second wind and takes out both men. That must mean it's time for The Man They Call Vader to come in. Ring the bell! Here comes Ahmed Johnson! Wow, there's more action now than there EVER was in the match. Hey, there's Jake! I guess we can set up that 6-man match now, eh? All six men (and Cornette) are joined by all four refs, Goulet and Garea, and the crowd is going nuts. It must be time to go! No, it's time to play...Jake Roberts' music? The Man They Call Vader has a chair, but he doesn't use it. Ah, NOW it's time to go. Next week: Hart vs. Tatanka, and also Roberts vs. Bulldog. Was it just me, or did I miss all the promotional considerations? When did they stop doing THAT? See you next week!