(Thanks, Google!) From: Christopher Robin Zimmerman (chris@kzim.com) Subject: WWF Monday Night RAW - 18/3/96 Newsgroups: rec.sport.pro-wrestling Date: 1996/03/20 Once again, you can see the results at the top, or you can close your eyes and hit the spacebar four times... 1. British Bulldog (COR 4'52") Jake Roberts Jake chased Cornette with the snake until the ref reached 10. 2. Goldust (? Suplex > pin 4'39") Fatu *. Jim Cornette accepted Jake Roberts' challenege, changing the WM12 Yokozuna vs. Vader match to Yokozuna & Roberts & Ahmed Johnson vs. Vader & Bulldog & Owen Hart. Get scared, if Mr. Fuji returns he'll be a face. We also learn that a fine print stipulation in the contract says that Yokozuna gets five minutes alone with Cornette if his team wins. 3. Diesel (big right hand > pin 2'09") Barry Horowitz Paul Bearer rolled out a casket during the match. After the match, we found out it contained a faux-Diesel. Diesel, by the way, completed his heel turn at MSG St. Patrick's Day. 4. Bret Hart (pin 8'48") Tatanka Next week: Shawn Michaels vs. Leif Cassidy (The new New Rocker, fka Al Snow) Ahmed Johnson vs. Owen Hart Three Years Ago This Week on RAW: Rob Bartlett does his Vince McMahon impersonation while Vince receives a Humanitarian Award from Hulk Hogan. Squashes from Razor Ramon and Typhoon, an extended (eight words) interview from the Giant Gonzales. Bob Backlund manages to defeat Papa Shango somehow (oh yeah, because Backlund is in WM9 and Shango isn't). The Nasty Boys and Head Shrinkers are all counted out when they end up at the concession stand. Finally, Sean Mooney narrates a poignant piece telling us how great and charitable Vincent K. McMahon is. I leave it to you to figure out which particular legal hassle McMahon is involved in during this time period. Standard Disclaimer (Wot! No Sunny Donna?) Monday Night RAW, coming to you from the Freeman Colesium in San Antonio, Texas, America (hometown of Shawn Michaels) 18.3.96 (but taped 11.3) and broadcast domestically on the USA Network. Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry "the King" Lawler, who provide all commentary. We open with scenes from last night's show at the Gahden. Diesel takes a chair to everyone in sight -- the Undertaker (naturally), Bret Hart (ok, I can see it) and ... Shawn Michaels? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a heel turn. The British Bulldog v. Jake "the Snake" Roberts - Wow, Vince McMahon can do impressions! And Jerry Lawler doesn't appreciate his Marlin Perkins one bit. After all, he's scared of snakes (and hey, which heel isn't?). Vince promises more action than in the Tyson/Bruno fight. And yes, these wristlocks certainly ARE action-packed! Vince asks us, when we're ordering the WWF on Pay-Per-View, to ask for WrestleMania by name. Jake's been having his way, I guess...neither man is actually WRESTLING. Jake tries for the second time for the quick DDT, but nothing doing. And now, the Bulldog has finally remembered he's stronger than most everybody else. Whip into the ropes and down goes Roberts. And for good measure, Cornette gets in a shot. Well, that camera angle wasn't any good, so here's a replay in the middle of the match. Bulldog continues hammering away on the back, and when Roberts is on the canvas, Smith changes his offense to stomps. During this lack of action, Vince keeps us apprised of the current Tag Tourney situation (we're down to the Godwinns, Hart & Smith, the Body Donnas, and Vega & ?) And now the crowd has brought Jake back to life. After ANOTHER distraction from Cornette, Jake finally hits the DDT. Before he can pin the Bulldog, Cornette pulls him away. Having had enough, Jake goes to the back...and pulls out a snake! (There's a surprise, eh?) The problem with chasing Cornette around like that is that the ref is going to get to ten. Hmmm, two weeks in a row we get a countout. At least this time, there's a victor (the comatose Bulldog). Here's some more of that great footage of Michaels and Hart training for their big Ironman WWF Championship match. Jim Ross files the report. Shawn has Jose Lothario and Hart has Stu. Once again, Michaels has his lifelong dream, and Hart, backed into the corner against insurmountable momentum, reminds everyone that he's the champ (and after all, better than Michaels). Fatu v. Goldust - Y'know, call me a purist, but I like Goldust's entrances better in letterbox format. Just added to WrestleMania: Goldust vs. Roddy Piper (!) in a Hollywood back-lot brawl. Hey kids, geography assignment: just how many miles away from Hollywood IS Anaheim? After an ad break....geez, they're STILL walking to the ring! Let us take you back to last week's face-to-face between Piper and Goldust. Am I correct in assuming this match will NOT be for the Intercontinental title? Oh, you FORGOT Goldust was the IC champ? Yeah, Marlena makes me forget things too. Just to make things a bit more interesting, 'dust wears a kilt for this match. Fatu starts out, attacking from behind, arm drag, back body drop. And for good measure, Fatu makes a difference by showing Goldust what he can kiss. Unfortunately, the tide turns when Fatu lowers his head, allowing Goldust to punch him in the mush. Fatu puts on the brakes after a whip in the ropes, and proceeds to...spank him? Whatever. Head butt from Fatu, then a head butt...well, to the groin. Oh boy, Piper's on the phone! I can't handle all this action! Let's take an ad break! For those of you keeping score, that's TWO ad breaks since we heard Fatu's entrance music. When we come back, Fatu is bulldogging Goldust. Now, he's playing to the crowd (Marlena is unhappy). Oh no, Fatu missed the big splash. That's it for him. Let's listen to Piper. It's gonna be a street fight, sayeth the Prez. Goldust puts Fatu away with a...well, he grabs Fatu for a reverse DDT but slams him, back down, instead. 1, 2, 3. Piper says the fight won't be for the faint of heart. We'll see. More really old Ultimate Warrior clips, primarily Warrior's pummelling Randy Savage into retirement. He'll be back at WM12, you know, taking on Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Let us take you back to last week's impromptu 6-man match. Courtesy Superstars, Jake Roberts challenges Camp Cornette to make the 6-man match official. Vince McMahon interviews Cornette, Owen Hart, Smith, and The Man They Call Vader. Cornette accepts the challenge. Hart disses everybody, Smith tells Ahmed Johnson that *he* (Bulldog) is the WWF's strongest man. Cornette seems to imply that he pushed Mr. Fuji down a flight of stairs, and that's why we don't see him anymore (mental note: Fuji a face now). Vader tells us that it's Vader time. Vince gives us a by the way and a pre-taped video wall interview from Yokozuna, Jake Roberts and Ahmed Johnson. Turns out that there is a fine-print stipulation. If Team Cornette loses, Yokozuna gets five minutes alone with James E. The plot thickens... Let us take you back...one more time, to MSG. The main event, you might recall, was Diesel & Michaels vs. Bret Hart & the Undertaker. Scenes of Diesel and Undertaker slugging it out on the outside, then scenes of Diesel cleaning house with the chair. Hey, look, there's Vladimir in the front row! Replay of Diesel chairing Michaels. Michaels: "I'm gonna kick his seven foot ass!" followed by Michaels limping out of the ring. Diesel v. Barry Horowitz - Of course, Diesel checks under the ring for Doink - I mean, the Undertaker, before entering the ring. Before the match, a WWF hotline plug. Hey, is $1.49 a minute too much to ask for a COMPLETE injury report? After a bona fide ad break, we're almost ready for the match. First, let us take you back to last week's RAW, and Diesel flooring Paul Bearer. Hey, remember Horowitz? Yes, he's the punching bag in this match. Just to make it a little more interesting, though, we have Paul Bearer (I guess he's better now) wheeling a sleek, shiny, '96 model casket out to ringside. The sidewalk slam will take out Horowitz just long enough for Diesel to give a quizzical look outside the ring. Finally, Horowitz comes to and nails Diesel from behind. This spurt of offense lasts about fifteen seconds. Diesel reverses the whip and delivers the Big Boot. 1, 2, oops. Apparently Diesel is too busy looking out towards the casket and Horowitz kicks out. Diesel delivers the big punch and it's over. After leaving the ring and securing a wrench, Diesel walks over and opens the casket. No, it's not the Undertaker, it's...Diesel? Luke, Luke, I *am* your father. Suffice it to say, Diesel is spooked. Ted DiBiase, Tatanka and the 1-2-3 Kid are in a brainstorming session. Whoops, DiBiase saw the camera... Karate Fighters presents the Slam of the Week: Courtesy last week's RAW: Olympic weightlifter (WWF sponsored) Mark Henry introduces Lawler to gravity. In an unusual twist, this week's Slam of the Week actually IS a slam. Diesel is still stalking around, looking for the Undertaker. Bet he doesn't find him until WrestleMania. Hype for next week's big match: Shawn Michaels vs. Leif [Garrett Shaun] Cassidy Bret Hart v. Tatanka - By the way, Monday Night RAW is brought to you by Snickers, and by milk! I need a snack. Tatanka gets the early advantage with...shock! punches and kicks. Hart's whipped into the corner, but puts up some boots for Tatanka to run into. Clothesline, and a headbutt. Hart stays on him. Arm drag takedown. Hart continues on the arm while Vince reminds us that there's nothing like being at a live WWF event. High cross body from the Hitman for 2. Arm bar. Finally, Tatanka comes back with a lariat while out comes the 1-2-3 Kid. Vince (and I) notice the Kid's new lats...wonder where he bought them? Tatanka, meanwhile is using various and sundry dirty tricks to keep the upper hand on Hart. Big whip into the turnbuckle and down goes Hart. Back suplex for 2. Chinlock by Tatanka, cue crowd. The Hitman gets out of the hold with some punches to the gut, but runs into a knee and goes back down. Slam from Tatanka, great big elbow for 2. Big chop from Tatanka. Oh no, Tatanka put his head down. Small package from the Hitman! 1, 2, no? Huh. Lariat from Tatanka. Oh, I see, it's time for another ad break! When we come back, Hart is in ANOTHER chin lock. Finally, a series of punches to the gut. Tatanka with the Stooges eyepoke and a slam. Tatanka's going to the top rope...and comes down into a punch in the gut. Side Russian leg sweep! Ah, must be time for something to happen. Hart hits an atomic drop and a clothesline. Backbreaker by the Hitman, and now it's time for the elbow off the second rope. Why, I think all that's left is...yes, the Sharpshooter, and yes, DiBiase steps up to the apron to distract Hart. While referee "Blind" Earl Hebner jaws with DiBiase, the Kid manages to grab Hart for Tatanka. Naturally, Hart steps aside so Tatanka can take out the Kid. Hart then wraps up Tatanka in an inside cradle for 3. There's just enough time left for an excerpt from the Federal Turner Commission hearings. If you've seen "A Few Good Men," well, there isn't much point in me comparing Billionaire Ted to Jack Nicholson. Hey, if you've got nothing better to do, why not write to the chairman of the Federal Trade Commission? I mean, it'd make VINCE happy... See you next week! -- chris@aimnet.net is Christopher Robin Zimmerman | KZiM Archives Count: 1803 Now in Aimnet's Top 10 Empolyee Longevity List! | http://users.aimnet.com/~kzim "Learn...and you will know." - Master Shiang-Lin Wu