by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
One TV-PG-LV World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Earlier Today, Albert wondered aloud how many Dudleyz he'd have to
demolish, threw a lot of Dudleyz T-shirts - the "manager" caught up and
asked if he could be of service...Albert relieved him of his Dudleyesque
glasses and gave him a free chokeslam, telling him to clean up the place -
like the rest of New York, it was a pigsty
Opening Credits
Your hosts, MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZ, have to work on Easter - ha
ha! WE ARE LIVE from WWF New York Easter Sunday, 15.4.1 (matches were
taped at the First Union Center in Philadelphia, PA 10.4) and our guest
host almost skipped out early...
Earlier Today, Albert tried to leave WWF New York...only, his chauffer was
wearing Dudley glasses, so he called for a taxi instead. "I need you to
take me anywhere but Dudleyville--" but the cab driver, too, was wearing
Dudley glasses. Tazz proclaims him "Apu Dudley." Apparently, someone is
playing mind games with Albert...
SUPERSTAR PERRY SATURN (with Dean Malenko & Nipples) v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN -
Did he just kiss her in the booby? Did he just ELBOW her in the booby?
(Did she even feel it?) Tazz tells us Joey Numbers told him Terri hooked
him up with that hat - now you know. Lockup, armbar by Gunn, arm wringer,
hammerlock, to a headlock. Saturn pushes him to the corner, rams his head
in the gut a few times, right, opposite corner whip, elbow up by Gunn,
ducks a clothesline, Saturn put in the corner, pressed as he comes out.
Clothesline gets Gunn 2. Malenko has his "I eat dogs" face on. Saturn
reverses a whip, headdown, kick by Gunn. Gunn running at him but Saturn
puts him over the ropes to the outside, where Malenko is ready to ram him
into the apron. Rolled back in - headbutt by Saturn. BIG suplex - 1, 2,
nope. Saturn puts him out again and this time goes out after. Butt first
into the STEEL steps. Rolled back under, Saturn climbs to the top -
clothesline lands! but only gets 2. Saturn goes to a half nelson/headlock
thing. Head to the buckle. Right, right, right by Gunn, right by Saturn,
back and forth we go, now only Gunn - knee by Saturn, whip into the ropes
is reversed, back elbow by Gunn, clothesline, into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl
slam, signalling for the Fame'Asser, but Terri grabs his ankle -
distracting him JUST enough for Saturn to hit a Spicolli driver - 1, 2, no
- I don't know about that kickout there... Malenko on the apron to grab
him while Terri distracts referee "Blind" Mike Sparks - guess what comes
next. Sure enough, Gunn ducks and Malenko eats the superkick, Fame'Asser
- 1, 2, NO! Malenko pulled him out. Malenko hot shots him as Gunn tries
to get some revenge - Saturn hits the moss-covered, three-handled family
gredunza, and we'll see ya. 1, 2, 3. (3:49) Terri gets a few (feeble)
kicks in post-match - Gunn makes the mistake of grabbing her ankle -
Saturn is on him, but somehow Gunn manages to turn it around, taking out
BOTH Saturn and Malenko. Yeah, okay, you got your heat back, Billy.
Snicker, snicker.
TONIGHT: Triple H & Stephanie have a heart-to-heart with the Coach!
Here's a look at Times Square! Heat is brought to you by Foot Locker,
Castrol Motor Oily, and "WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" - get it at Walgreens
Albert attempts to enjoy his meal - only it's ruined when his server is
revealed as wearing Dudley glasses. Do YOU see the pattern YET?
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week Where Triple H and Steve Austin and
Vince McMahon Did Their Alliance Thing, Which Worked Pretty Well Until
Jeff Hardy Won Triple H's Title
Did I mention Cole is wearing a "Dudleyville Lumber
Company" T-shirt? No? Well, I did just now.
Jonathan Coachman anxiously awaits the occupants of the sofa afore'im -
the Helmsleys. TONIGHT!
XFL on UPN hype - oops, it's already over here on the West Coast - not
that the WWF cares about the West Coast, 'cause they don't
You know, we get a whole different set of ads here on MTV. I don't know
if that's better or worse...maybe I'll know later
The JVC Gigatube presents the Blast of the Night! From SmackDown!, Albert
puts Spike Dudley through a table on the floor with an apron Baldobomb
Our commentators proclaim Albert "impactful" since joining up with X
Factor. Speaking of X Factor...
X-PAC (with Justin Credible) v. D'VON DAMN DUDLEY (with Buh Buh Ray Damn
Dudley) - Albert watches on from the control room 'cause he REALLY wanted
to hear their theme song one more time. Commentators remind us that only
one Dudley has yet to go through a table at the hands of Albert - and he's
in the ring. Of course, Albert isn't there tonight, but...oh, how
confusing. HERE WE GO: Dudley makes the mistake of getting distracted by
Credible, allowing 'Pac to come in with a forearm to the back of the head,
kick, kick, right, right, right is blocked, right by Dudley, block, right,
into the ropes, reversed, jumpin' shoulderblock by Dudley. Dudley with a
right, right, right, right, right, crowd wants...something or other. Into
the opposite corner, reversed, elbow up by Dudley, clothesline by
Dudley. Right hand, into the ropes, 'Pac ducks...and hits a spinning heel
kick on Dudley. X-Pac "sucks," I hear. Scoop...and a slam. Off the
ropes with a lightning leg drop. Cover gets 2. Elbow in the back. Choke
on the second rope - when referee "Blind" Mike Chioda pulls him off,
Credible gets in a free shot as well. In the corner for the kick
trifecta...which will put him in perfect position for the broncobuster -
only, 'Pac takes too long and Dudley slides out of the way, letting him
crotch himself. Back he comes -
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, into the ropes,
flying clothesline, again into the ropes, jumpin' back elbow, ducks a
clothesline, neckbreaker, tries to get a shot on Credible but he jumps off
the apron - turns round to catch X-Pac in a powerslam - 1, 2, Credible
pulls him away. Buh Buh Ray FINALLY gets a right on Credible before
Chioda is out to break it up - but Credible gets into the ring to hit a
superkick behind his back. BUT! X-Pac ONLY gets 2! Buh Buh Ray on the
apron, Chioda over, Credible in, X-Pac's shot misses D'Von and hits
Credible (oh no!) and when Chioda turns around to tend to *Credible*,
X-Pac gets caught in 3D (Dudley Death Drop)! 1, 2, 3! (3:22)
Albert is less than pleased about this, and starts screaming to the guys
in the booth that "can't you do anything without the Dudleyz?" They all
turn round and reveal that they're wearing Dudley glasses. Ho ho
ho! Albert storms off - we follow him out to the stage...
"I look to my left, I look to my right, I see Dudley Boyz - I can't take
it! I got a cab driver that's a Dudley, and then I got..." We look in
the crowd, where everybody in camera range is wearing Dudley
frames. "Dud-ley!" Albert storms off.
And now we see that Tazz and Cole have Dudley glasses on. "I think he's
paranoid. What's he talking about, Dudley Boyz."
When we come back, a couple of Dudleyz set up a table. "We are the
Backseat Dudleyz, first cousins to THE Dudley Boyz - WWF New York, let me
hear you!" "Each and every one of you did a great job playing mind games
with the X Factor, and on behalf of Buh Buh Ray, D'Von and Spike, all you
are honourary Dudleyz of our Dudley family!" Tazz proclaims them
(mute)kissers. Albert arrives once again - "Happy Easter!" "Happy
Passover!" Together: "Wassup--" Big boot for one, laid out on a table -
the other gets Baldobombed through the first...and the table. Play his
music again!
WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: CRASH (with Molly Holly) v. GRAND
MASTER SEXAY - Hey, remember when Brian Christopher and Scott Putski were
THE light heavy division? Haw haw haw. Lockup, arm wringer by Sexay,
reveresed by Crash, reversed by Sexay, Crash with a hammerlock, reversed,
Crash up and over. Sexay applauds politely. Double leg takedown by
Sexay, elbowdrops the knee, again, to the rope, buttdrop on the knee.
Crash tries an enzuigiri but it's blocked. Tazz is talking about B-Real.
Woo hoo. Stomp on the back by Sexay, going for a spinning toehold, kicked
away, so Sexay goes for the technical choke instead. Head to the
buckle. Into the opposite corner, Crash evades the charge and Sexay
shoulders the post. Death suplex by Crash. Clothesline. Kick, kick,
kick, kick, call to the crowd...into the opposite corner is reversed,
Crash up and over...onto the shoulder, but he wriggles free - into the
ropes, rolled back - Sexay with a superkick! That gets a Castrol Double
Feature. While this goes on, Sexay tosses Crash through the ropes and to
the outside. IS HE GONNA FLY? Nope. Kick, going for the sunset flip
over the top rope to the outside, but Sexay slips, so Crash lands on his
feet - and decides he'd better just punch him in the head instead. Rolled
back in - right by Crash, right by Sexay, running bulldog by Sexay. 1, 2,
nope. Going for another bulldog - but Crash follows through and crotches
Sexay on the second turnbuckle! Right, right, right, into the ropes, back
elbow by Crash, clothesline, scoop...and a slam. Crash going up top...but
taking too long - Sexay spreads the legs and crotches him on top - Sexay
to the second rope - superplex coming up - BOOM! Sexay grabs his goggles
- HE'S going up top - taking WAY too long - Hip Hop Drop coming up, but
there's NO water in that pool - that'll hurt your booty, too. Crash off
the ropes, "Oklahoma roll" (thanks, Tazz), 1, 2, 3. Champ
retains. (4:32)
Anxiously awaiting the arrival of Triple H and Stephanie we are. And here
they are, already making threatening looks and points at the Coach. That
interview is coming up!
Are you telling me this interview will be our main event? Aie.
OOOH! MONSTER BOOTY AD!
You are looking "live" at the "heart" of Times Square! By the way,
Backlash is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily! It's TWO WEEKS AWAY!!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where the Backstreet Dudleyz took
some damage - and here's ANOTHER yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah angle
Cole says there's three teams left in the XFL Playoffs, but he's a LYING
LIAR because there's only two! Oh, the shame and horror of west coast
tape delay. GO DEMONS! ALL THE WAY, BABY! Can you believe people STILL
mail me asking how to pronounce FFWD? I keep SAYING it's FUHFUHWID
Golly, that Jonathan Coachman has been UNCOMFORTABLE for almost the ENTIRE
hour
"WWF Divas in Hedonism" ad
You know, I'd buy that Paul McCartney "best of," but I bet there is NOT
ONE SINGLE SOLITARY track by "The Fireman" on it - OH MAN he lost his
domain? the-fireman.com goes to some - some FIREMAN, now! Of course, we
here at WrestleManiacs sure know what it's like to LOSE OUR DOMAIN - yes,
sir - we sure do (what the *hell* are you talking about?) ohhh sorry
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by Castrol - Matt
Hardy DRIVES HARD with the STEEL chair, allowing Jeff to get the upset
pin...and intercontinental title
Commentators yak yak yak one more time, including uses of the word
"swerved."
Jonathan Coachman sits down with Triple H & Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley.
Stephanie implies that Coach could end up like Lita if he asks the wrong
questions, then goes on to say that he isn't there to answer his questions
at all, but to make a statement. "You wanna say that Jeff Hardy beating
me was a major upset? Is that what you said, major upset? It was a MAJOR
FLUKE. It was a MISTAKE. The mere notion that Jeff Hardy could beat the
Game is a JOKE. Jeff Hardy thinks he beat me... Jeff Hardy thinks he beat
me in the middle of that ring? Sure, he's walkin' around with a title on
his waist - you think that makes him a champion? You think that title
around his waist makes him a champion - DO YOU? Or does it make him a
target? Don't you dare - don't you DARE forget who the hell I am and what
I am capable of. You know, people around here keep sayin'... that (beep)d
Triple H...I don't think he can get any lower. Every time they say it, I
find a way to get lower, don't I. Yer damn right I do! I'll give Jeff
Hardy credit - he is fearless. He has to be fearless. After what Austin
and I did to him and his brother - and his little girlfriend Lita - he
would *have* to be fearless to get in the ring and come after Austin and I
with a chair. Fearless or stupid, one of the two. He would have to be
fearless to wanna get in the ring with me after what he did. And he would
have to be fearless to wanna get in the ring with me again, one day.
Jeff Hardy needs to realise this - he is now swimming with the sharks, and
that belt he's wearin' around his waist? That's just blood in the water.
He had better be the damn biggest fish in that ocean or he is gonna get
eaten. ... This Monday night, Jeff Hardy can count on a few things. Jeff
Hardy can count on his rematch....Jeff Hardy can count on losing the
intercontinental title....and Jeff Hardy can count on the fact that in his
career, up to this point, he has not known pain and suffering like he will
know when I am standing over his beaten ass in the middle of that
ring! Jeff Hardy wrestles every match as if it were his last, doesn't
he. Monday night, that will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can take
everything I am saying to heart - you can take all my words
literally. When it comes to all the pain, all the beatings, all the
violence...the game has just begun."
TOMORROW NIGHT: Jeff Hardy takes on Triple H - this time the
intercontinental title is on the line...but it's already his! You KNOW
it'll be LIVE on TNN! And THAT'S IT for TONIGHT!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net