by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
QUICK QUOTES: AOL 74 7/16 (+ 7 9/16), TWX 104 15/16 (+11 1/4), SPLN 35 1/4
(+ 1/4)
BEYOND THE MAT: I saw it Sunday - there were a dozen people in the theatre
with me, but that might have had something to do with the fact that it was
2:30 in the afternoon on a beautiful spring Sunday. It's a good flick,
but I can see why it didn't get nominated - "too much Blaustein in a film
that was supposed to be about a non-Blaustein topic" is the short version
of my reason. I'll try to talk about it when I'm not running so late.
WCW logo - what quacks and limps?
The helicopter view! The rooftop view! It's Spring Break! It's World
Championship Wrestling! It's rated TV-14-DLS! It's ... Monday Nitro!
Here's a graphic confirming it
PYRO and close captioning logo welcome us to South Padre Island, TX 27.3.2K
LIVE on TNT and via simulwebcast at tnt.turner.com! (So says the graphic -
I have a sneaky feeling that with my three hour West Coast tape delay, I've
already missed it) This IS the SPRING BREAK OUT! Who will break out of WCW
THIS week?
GENE O. stands in the ring ready to bring on...well, who knows. KIMBERLY
comes out instead. Maybe he was bringing on DDP? Anyway, Kimberly's
wearing a swimsuit that reminds us all that Vince Russo is back once again,
as well as one of those waist things that all the pornstars wear. She
ALMOST trips once she's on the apron but catches herself. "Gene, Gene, you
know there's only one person capable of making this introduction. From the
Jersey shore, the former TWO-TIME ...world heavyweight champion...the
master of the Diamond Cutter. And the self-proclaimed King of Ba-da-bing,
DDP - DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE!" Geez, is she on DRUGS or something? Is she
trying to pick up two or three accents? Okerlund calls Craig Kilborn
"Craig Clayborne," and it all goes downhill from there. Page proclaims his
head "right," says "Good Gawd," sucks up to the fans, tells us that he
ruptured his L4 and L5, but when he comes back, his back will be jacked.
He shills "Ready to Rumble," repeatedly referring to it as "Wayne's World"
for some reason. The world premiere is 5 April at Mann's Chinese theatre -
WCW will be there as there's nothing better to do that week. Page says his
next role will be to be the best three-time, three-time, three-time World
Heavyweight Champion ever. JEDOUBLF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET interrupts
proceedings, says "Slappy," proclaims HIMSELF the only star around here,
reminds us that he IS the Chosen One, promises to crash the party on the
fifth, and asks Page to choke on that 'cause he's a slapnut. Page promises
Jarrett will see stars on the fifth. Crowd pops because Kim lifted up her
sarong.
WCW Spring Break-Out is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin and TracFone!
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and ROB VAN DAM (if ECW isn't #2, why are you
stealing ECW mannerisms?), and strangely enought, the most prominently
displayed sign proclaims "I WISH I WAS AT RAW!!" Tonight's feature match:
Sting & Vampiro against Team Package in a Tejas Tornado match. Tony
proclaims this past week one of the most exciting weeks in the whole of
history and reveals that Brad Siegel, the president of Turner Entertainment
Networks as well as WCW (wink) brought back Eric Bischoff as the head of
Creative (wink) and also he was interested in bringing back Vince Russo
(wink) - Russo hasn't decided yet, but some time tonight we'll find out!
(wink)
Here's A Special Video Look at Hogan at the Tower Records in Chicago - I
can't help but notice we didn't see ANY shots of any throngs of people, or
long lines, or anything - are they only leaving it to our imagination?
They did this, you see, because they needed to spend more time with clips
of Mancow and Jimmy Hart. Mancow and Jimmy Hart. And now there's going to
be a match between the two at Spring Stampede. Mancow and Jimmy Hart.
Sure is windy, huh?
Backstage, three guys we've never seen before talk about hitting the beach
- Paisley interrupts, saying the Artist is searching for his next
challenger and as Candido and Guerrero were unworthy, he's picking one of
these nobodies instead. An eeny-meeny-miney-mo later, an opponent is
picked. I'm not gonna tell you that's Mike Modest, you'll probably find
out later.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Today as Scott Steiner hits on some hooches
- then Jarrett and the Harrisses got him to walk to the beach. Or
something. I duno.
Oh boy! 1-800-CAL-LATT contest to win a trip to Slamboree and watch "Ready
to Rumble!" Know what the second place prize is? TWO airings of "Ready to
Rumble!" Thank you! I'll be here all week!
Local spot hypes ...WWF Armageddon? Ummm, that was three months
ago! Somebody at AT&T Cable is on some serious crack.
Oh boy! Knicks/Kings tomorrow! My depression can CONTINUE! I hope they
lose the lead to a free throw like they did Sunday...damn that Shaq and his
diabolical free throw-making ability!
Close captioning where available sponsored by America (ha) Online!
Gene O. stands with Booker - Heavy D apparently has a shoulder injury, so
the Harris Boys won't be giving a tag team title rematch to he and Kidman.
He schooled Kidman on the game or something.
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Starburst Hard
Candies! Feel the BURST!
THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) v. MICHAEL MODEST (already in the ring) for the
World Cruiserweight championship - before the match starts, some more music
plays and...whoops, false alarm I guess. Lockup, side headlock,
chainwrestling, Modest reverses, arm wringer by Artist, standing heel kick.
Artists yawns, Modest clotheslines him. Gutshot, into the ropes, reversed,
kick by Artist - ANOTHER big clothesline by Modest. Right, right, right,
into the corner, Artist up and over - nobody - Modest with a T-bone suplex.
I keep typing "Modesto" and I don't MEAN to but it IS my adopted hometown.
Modest with a ten punch countalong - "kiss my ass" motion, Artist runs into
a clothesline. Whip into the corner, Artist flies over the top rope to the
floor. Modest goes outside but Artist goes to the gut, then to the eyes.
Ringpost shot blocked, Artist tastes the STEEL steps. Both CHAVO GUERRERO
JNR & "HARD KNOX" CHRIS CANDIDO are out as Artist is rolled back in. Kick
by the Artist, kick, scoop - and a tie to the Tree of Woe - running knee!
Is that his way of saying "hi" to Kevin Sullivan? Sid Vicious isn't here
but he's put a $500K bounty on Hogan - hooray! Artist whips Modest into
the corner and he hits his trademark "back of my neck to the buckle"
landing - belly-to-back suplex gets 2. Chavo and Paisley having a
discussio nas Modest reverses a whip and hits a running "great move" for 1,
2, no! Samoan Drop by Artist - 2. Chavo and Paisley on the apron -
Candido watching from afar. Modest into the ropes - collision with
Guerrero. Candido decides to go after Guerrero here - Modest watches this
and Artist rolls him up for 2. Modest kicks him out, and he collides with
*Paisley* who falls into Candido. Got him in position - no, Modest has
him...hey, what's that thing called? Running reverse cradle Death Valley
Drop brainbuster? Oh, NOW they tell us it's a nontitle match. That would
have been a good thing to tell us A LITTLE EARLIER THAN 1, 2, 3. (3:42)
Now, friends, if you want this to be taken as a huge colossal monumental
upset, PERHAPS you MIGHT have considered TALKING ABOUT THE MATCH DURING THE
MATCH. Of course, the nimrods with the headsets spent the whole match
talking about Bischoff, Russo, Vicious, Hogan, and everything BUT the
match, so who gives a crap? And they wonder why nobody cares! The only
person calling this match is me!
Gene O. talks to the Harrisses - Heavy D tells us he injured his shoulder
pressing Midajah after Thunder. Big Ron says he'll have no problems taking
on Booker later tonight, now can u dig that.
"Ready to Rumble" promo - I think the most unfortunate thing about the fact
that Nitro and Thunder will be pre-empted next week is that INSTEAD, we'll
get FOUR hours of "Ready to Rumble" infomercial in their place.
Fortunately, no one will be watching them, so it won't matter.
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (NO Randy Savage), Judge
Wapner's Cash Scam and Targon mouthwash
Spring Break Out 2000 is brought to you by - do you remember? Yes! Tough
Actin' Tinactin and TracFone!
Here's A Special Video Look Complete With Wacky Sound Effects at the Beach.
Wow, it's so crazy and wacky! What fun it is to be a production
assistant on these shoots! Wheee! Funny how they never give us a really
WIDE view to gauge the crowd and turnout, isn't it?
Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart arrive at a hotel - Vampiro emerges from a shadow
and tells Hogan he needs to chat at him for a moment...
Torrie Wilson has the centerfold of the WCW Magazine.
BOOKER v. BIG RON HARRIS (with Heavy D) - once and for all, if you can't
tell them apart, learn NOW: Big Ron is the GOOD LOOKING one. Booker all
over Harris to start - Don gets a distraction, Booker turns around and Ron
punks him out. It IS funny seeing the Harris Boys in jeans shorts, I'll
grantcha. PLEASE STOP BULLSHITTING US ABOUT RUSSO & BISCHOFF, FOR THE LOVE
OF PETE. If they were such hot shit, why were they fired? Please. You
have ALL the answers. Just give me that one. Just give me THAT ONE. If
they are such hot shit, and they're going to turn this company around, if
they are going to lead WCW back to the promised land, if they are as truly
great as the commentators INSIST on going ON and ON and ON about - how come
EACH man needed a second chance? JEDOUBELF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out,
distracts referee "Blind" Nick Patrick, Don comes in and axehandles Booker
(see, it was all a brilliant, clever ruse) - one H bomb later, Harris has
the pin. Nobody's a Booker fan, anyway, though, right? (1:40) Out come
HARLEM HEAT to beat on Booker. Booker manages a brief comeback (nice
standing double dropkick) until Kash hits a uranage on Booker. BILLY
KIDMAN provides little help and gets press slammed. Booker brings in a
swivel chair to clear the ring. This entire segment was depressing.
Vampiro tells Hogan and Hart (and this cameraman) that there's a bounty on
his head. If only Hogan had been watching TV earlier! Hogan says it looks
like a long night ahead...brother, you don't know the HALF of it.
GENE O. promises an electrifying moment ahead and brings out YOU KNOW WHO.
Riki Rachtman and Mike Tenay are bringing the enhanced Webcast - hmm,
that's a tough call. Gene starts out with "I want to thank you for bailing
me out last week," and I ponder the symbolism. Okerlund brings up the
bounty and Hogan gets all eighties on us. Jimmy Hart is being massaged by
four nurses in bikinis or something. Sid Vicious is mean and nasty and
probably stinky, too. Hogan says he'll put up five hundred grand of his
own money to bring out Sid Vicious tonight - oops, sounds like they're
giving away the main event and clearing up the PPV slot. For an encore,
Hogan proclaims Vampiro the "wrestler of the future." To Hogan, that means
"Vampiro's the guy I want jobbing to me next." The momentum Vampiro has is
kinda like the way Hulkamania started out...huh? He's gonna chop Sid
Vicious down with the edge of his hand. The music of THE WALL plays and we
see him standing on top of the hotel and giving the international sign of
the chokeslam. Hogan, ever astute, says "That's the Wall!" Hogan
says he'll put another half million on top of the bounty - he calls out the
Wall so he can kick his ass. How'd the Wall get the spotlight operator to
find him, anyway?
MIKE TENAY stands with the Mamalukes and their manager. They're unhappy
that he hasn't gotten them a shot a their tag team titles and instead
signed them a match against the Jung Dragons. Disco says after they win
tonight, there's no WAY the Executive Committee can ignore them...
Meanwhile, the Harris brothers see Vito and Johnny call them (some Italian
word) and express disapproval...
See WCW while you can - Thursday in Baltimore, Friday in Pittsburgh! Tix
on sale Friday for Tallahassee, Albany (GA), Columbus (GA), and Macon!
Oh boy! Another "Ready to Rumble" promo!
JUNG DRAGONS v. MAMALUKES & DISCO INFERNO - Let Us Take You Back to Thunder
where the Dragons made off with the infamous Green Circles, which will
hopefully explain tonight's performance of "Can't Get You Out of My Heart"
in Japanese by the Dragon's. Kaz delivers his lines with at least as much
soul as, say, Suzi Q. During this match we learn that Vince Russo has
agreed "to join Eric Bischoff at the helm of Creative." Schiavone
proclaims this "the single biggest bit of information, biggest news we've
had in the entire year - maybe for the last couple of years in World
Championship Wrestling." Make the joke about wrestling and long memories
here. Schiavone drones on and on about Russo and Bischoff, completely
ignoring the fact that the HARRIS BROS come out and totally screw up this
match brawling with the Mamalukes. Finish sees Yang and Jamiesan come off
the same top turbuckle with a splash/guillotine combo onto Disco - Jamiesan
covers for the pin (5:14) and then the Harrisses beat up the Dragons just
to keep us from thinking they're playing favourites. Double H bomb!
Team Package is WALKING!
Sting and Vampiro are WALKING! Damn Mike Tenay - it looks like "Brothers
in Paint" is starting to stick...
1-800-CAL-LATT/"Ready to Rumble" ad #2
Hey look, it's the NITRO GRRLS! And the TV-14-DLS ratings box!
THE MAN and THE NARCISSIST (with Liz) v. VAMPIRO & (THIS IS) STING in a
Tejas Tornado match - Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday and show you how
these four shook out. Vampiro and Sting rush Team Package in the middle of
Package's posedown - Sting and Package go up the ramp and out of the
picture. In the ring, Vampiro hits a Ten Punch Count Along. FLAIR FLOP!
Flair gets in a kick and a chop. Package and Sting are at the hotel - and
near the swimming pool. Thank GOD somebody's going in the water - if they
killed THAT tradition there'd be NOTHING left. Back to the ring, arm
wringer by Flair. Back to the pool - nope, nothing happening here. Liz
had some sort of spot but blew it, I guess. She kinda threw up her hands
and walked off - BACK BODY DROP INTO THE POOL! Who had Total Package in
the betting pool? Sting is after Liz (YEAH! PUT HER IN THE POOL!) but
Package is out and on Sting - cue the Clueless Waiter - WHAT ACTING!
Package pushes HIM in the pool. I think there was a figure four in the
ring but we missed it. Sunset flip by Vampiro for 2. Back to Sting &
Package - nope, nothing happening here. Elizabeth tries once again to
throw...SOMETHING...at Sting - no effect. Package to the guacamole and
salsa! WANT FRIES WITH THAT, PACKAGE? WAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - please
kill me. Figure four by Flair in the ring, but we're not watching the
ring. Sting warns Elizabeth to stay back - Luger flips random fans off the
dock and onto the sand. Elizabeth and Charles and giving signals but it's
hard to hear. Elizabeth finally manages to do some damage, breaking a
bottle (I think on Sting). Package goes to the surfboard. I mean, like,
LITERALLY. HE HITS HIM WITH A SURFBOARD. Hey I saw a boom mic in that
shot! Back to the ring, oh IT DOESN'T MATTER what happens in the ring so
let's go back to the beach! Package with a right, another right, Sting's
in the ocean - BACK BODY DROP IN THE OCEAN! PILEDRIVER IN THE OCEAN!
Charles Robinson leaps to the water - 1, 2, 3! (5:25) Back in the ring,
it looks like Vampiro must have jobbed. Sting's not done - bell clap!
Clothesline! IN THE OCEAN! Tony has fifteen simultaneous orgasms.
"The producers" catch up with Booker to his reaction to Bischoff and
Russo's return. Booker says they need to talk to the asskissers. Booker
refers to himself as "Booker T." Hmmm.... "As far as Bischoff - as far as
Russo - do your job, man."
Promotional consideration paid for by America (ha!) Online, 1-800-BAR-NONE,
and that movie with the kid who sees dead people
Tinactin and TracFone could have probably found a better event to sponsor,
but their marketing guys were REALLY lazy - now let's have some more
EXCITING clips of PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Fun loving young people repeatedly
exclaim "Tough Actin' Tinactin!" Umm, do you want to drink out of a sports
bottle with a FOOT REMEDY on it? The connotations alone...
The Castrol GTX replay is of the back body drop to the pool, the guacamole
shot, what the hell? What's the Vampiro thrust kick doing in there? It's
not involving food or water! Ahh, piledriver in the ocean. I feel better.
This replay DRIVES HARD!
Gene O. stands with Terry Funk who promises incomprehensibility and
drunkenness - no, wait...
THEMONSTERMENG (fro in full effect, yo) v. LA PARKA - this matchup
could very well be a main event IN ANY ARENA IN THE COUNTRY. Let Us Take
You Back to Thunder where Meng and Abbott had a brief scuffle until
Security broke 'em up. Now Let Us Take You Back To Nitro where we see La
Parka lose to Fit Finlay. What'll he say next? "Skull captain's in the
hizzouse - the chairman of the baord is livin' large on Spring Break! And
you don't NEED the 411 when you got the 1-4-1-4, 1-4 me and 1-4 for my
Homiez!" Parka pulls the mic away but the Voice continues. "I ain't done
talkin' yet! Hey Jungle Jim! I'm gon' give you one chance to step off
'fore I knock the kinks outta that Angela Davis lookin' natural you got
goin'!" Parka puts the mic down and tries to step on it. Parka gives a
few good shots, but he's angered theMonsterMeng. See, he DOES know
English! Anyway, referee "Blind" Billy Silverman takes an errant backhand,
Parka wields the chair - but it has little effect. TONGAN DEATH GRIP! 1,
2, 3! (:52) Hey, it's YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT but before he can hit
the ring, FIT FINLAY gets HIM some of Abbott. SECURITY tries to pull them
apart...and succeeds.
GTV--err, the KidCam catches Buff Bagwell puttin' the moves on ...I guess
they're the NWO women. They're quite happy to take him up on his offer to
dry them off from top to bottom.
We cut to the NWO dressing room where they're watching on the monitor.
Scott Steiner says something that gets muted - the other three men try to
stop him...
Fit Finlay says that Bischoff & Russo have a good track record, and these
are the guys who can sort it out. "I'm a team player as far as this
business is concerned, and I'll back them all the way." First of all,
after hearing THAT line of corned beef, I guess those stereotypes ARE true
about Irish guys and drinking, and second of all, Finlay SHOULD have said
"when are they teaming me back up with David Taylor and Doc Dean?"
Cheap Bastard Jimmy Barron files his 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report. I guess
nobody's told him that next week's Nitro in Worcester is cancelled. Also,
nobody told him that it wasn't April Fool's Day until Saturday.
These particular WCW Superstar Series videos are no longer "hot, new" so
they should probably stop showing this ad
Oh boy! The World Premiere of Bif Naked's "We're Not Gonna Take It!" which
answers the question "Why listen to the original when you can listen to a
REMAKE?"
Here's a Special Video Look at the Wall - he's taking on Hulk Hogan later
tonight. Oh man, don't tell me THAT'S your main event. "Let's TRY to set
a record!" said the lame duck booker. "Lowest rated main event EVER!"
WHO? HUGH MORRUS v. TERRY FUNK - Let Us Take You Back to Nitro and
Thunder where Morrus managed to defeat Smiley and Demon - which, in WCW,
has to be considered a good week. Morrus has a joke for DAVID PENZER: "Q:
Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Did you ever see what Terry Funk
does to a chicken?" I reckon that'll be your highlight there. ("What do
you sound like when you're OPTIMISTIC, Zed?" "Aw, shut up.") Tony has
another huge announcement which will prevent him from talking about this
match. Morrus pounding away, pound, pound, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.
Next week, "the Best of Nitro and Thunder" on Nitro and Thunder. Funk
reverses, chop, slap, chop, slap, ten heads to the turnbuckle, right, Ten
Left Count Along. Schiavone says he's been asked to "sell these two people
beating each other up but I'm sorry, I can't do that right now." Sigh.
The other guy is giving free blowjobs, by the way...this from a guy who has
a rather unhealthy fiaxtion, going on and on about how the masturbation
patterns of all the WWF fans out there. Bischoff & Russo are going to take
two weeks to "sort things out" and debut *their* WCW Nitro on 10 April.
Funk with a DDT. He's going up for the moonsault! And because it's Funk,
it misses. Morrus mounts him and wails away with rights. Powerbomb coming
up. Time now for No Laughing Matter. Is this Terry Funk's last last
match? Whoops, Morrus went for the Savage elbow instead - it missed. Funk
rolled outside and to the floor. Morrus outside and meeting him on the
sand. POWERBOMB ON THE FLOOR! Morrus puts Funk's head on the mat. Back
in the ring we go - Funk has NO business winning this match. Kick, kick,
headbutt, Funk firing back with lefts, lefts and rights, KO blow and Morrus
goes timbaaah. Into the ropes is reversed, lariat by Morrus. Morrus
clotheslines him to the outside. Is he gonna - ELBOW OFF THE APRON! But
it misses again. He bounces off the mat as Tony pronounces "no give out
there." Funk has a chair - WHACK! DUSTIN RHODES is out - WHACK for him.
Morrus gets in a shot and rolls him back in. Into the ropes, powerslam.
Morrus going up for No Laughing Matter - THIS hits. 1, 2, Rhodes is in
with the chair on him for the DQ. Why? *Because it's all about logic.*
(DQ 5:07) Rhodes takes the chair to Funk - THEN TO MICKIE JAY!! Morrus
asks Rhodes what the hell he was doing and gives him a few konks, Rhodes
drops him. Funk gets in a lick, follows him outside and hits ANOTHER
haymaker left. And now they're walking up the aisle - punch, punch, punch.
Morrus decides, hey, might as well hit No Laughing Matter on Mickie Jay.
In two weeks, his kooky ol' dad will be back! Hooray!
Hey look! It's Steiner, Jarrett and a coupla women! And they're WALKING!
WCW Magazine ad - I'm sure on tap for next month's issue is "Chris Benoit:
How Long Can He Hold the Title?"
Jeff Jarrett T-shirt ad
Gene O. stands with Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart. Didn't this guy speak
ALREADY?!? He's gonna take out the Wall, one brick at a time, brother.
Listening to Hogan talk about his biceps, I can't help but wonder if Big
Jakes is still on his way. Hogan calls Vampiro "the brother of the blood"
or something - why exactly is he glomming onto Vampiro so? Vampiro
controls the hammerhead sharks - hey, he's AQUAMAN! They're going a
thousand leagues under the sea, brother! What's he gonna do when he beats
his ass too? Haa ha ha ha ha.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & BIG POPPA PUMP (with NWO 6) come out. "As I
look at the sea of freaks out here for Spring Break, lookin' for some
action, I'm here to tell ya, all you have to do is give me the highback,
and I'll give you satisfaction all night long until you call me the Big Bad
Booty Daddy! So this goes to all my freaks out there, Big Poppa Pump is
your hookup! Holler if ya hear me!" Jarrett says that he's turning over a
new leaf tonight....TONIGHT he'll let the girls stay out and flaunt
it. As he looks over the sea of skanks, he definitely thinks they need
some eye candy out there tonight. Backstage, we see Hennig and Bagwell
take a magical trip to feedback land where NOTHING they say is
intelligible. The gist is Hennig is unhappy that Bagwell lit a fire under
Steiner by hittin' on his women. I guess they'll take them on next.
The Acronym on the return of Bischoff & Russo: "I think it sucks. I think
ah, they're both gonna run the company right into the ground. And, ah,
it's gonna be over for all of us. Actually, um, some of the boys ah wanted
me to say that, but ah, my own personal feelings is, um, Vince gave me a
nice opportunity when he was here before - and, ah, I think he can do great
things with the company. Eric's a visionary, he did great things when he
was here before, and he deserves another shot." You had me, you lost me.
Can you pinpoint the *exact* point in time when he went from being
Sullivan's boy to Russo's boy (with an option on being Bischoff's boy)?
One more "Ready to Rumble" ad
Oh boy! Some hot TracFone action! Exactly how many zany video clip
montages must we suffer through tonight?
Seems to me that next Monday and Tuesday are still on, but they've just
been downgraded to house shows. Do you get that feeling as well?
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & BIG POPPA PUMP (with NWO 6) v. CURT HENNIG
and BUFF IS THE STUFF - Hennig ends up getting mauled while Bagwell
lengthens out his entrance. Hennig (and Bagwell) DO end up cleaning house.
Jarrett comes back in and takes it to Bagwell. Right, right, right, into
the ropes, duck, gutshot by Bagwell, TERRIBLE swinging neckbreaker,
clothesline, dropkick. Tag to Hennig. Elbow from the second rope onto the
arm. Knife-edge chop. Chop, right, back elbow for Steiner, chop - into
the opposite corner, Jarrett puts up an elbow to stop him. Tag to Pump,
gutshot, pound, kick, off the ropes, kick, kick, into the ropes is
reversed, Hennig trying to get something off but Steiner's apparently not
cooperating. In the corner, repeated knees, dueling hiptosses and Hennig's
hits. Front face, tag to Bagwell, right, right, right, into the ropes is
reversed, Jarrett puts a knee in the back and Steiner hits an overhead
belly-to-belly suplex. Head to the buckle, knee, tag out, Jarrett punching
away. Into the ropes, duck, knee by Bagwell, double underhook DDT and both
men are down. Tag to Steiner, tag to Hennig - Hennig ducks, clothesline
for Steiner, clothesline for Jarrett, clothesline for Steiner, scoop slam
for Jarrett, Bagwell in to help - Hennig with a Ten Punch Count Along as
Bagwell hits the Buff Blockbuster on Jarrett. Steiner manages an atomic
drop on Hennig, and a clothesline on Bagwell. Steiner with a gutshot on
Hennig, into the ropes is reversed, HENNIG hits a gutshot, but before he
can go for the Hennigplex, Jarrett is in with El Kabong. Amazingly,
referee "Blind" Nick Patrick had picked JUST that moment to leave the ring
for no apparent reason other than he saw the gee-tar was going to come into
play sooner or later. Outside the ring, one of the women is checking on
Bagwell - now two. Inside the ring, Big Poppa Pump has the Steiner
Recliner on Hennig - Patrick rings the bell as Hennig is flat out (4:27).
Bagwell figures out what's happening and hits the ring too late.
Who was that, Big Vito? He gives an oh-so-believable "WCW is on their way
back to #1!" spiel.
Oh boy! FIREWORKS!! I hope next week they show us THE YETI! Anyway, Tony
gets relentless in hyping Nitro in two weeks. It would be HILARIOUS if RAW
was SUCH hot shit next week that NOBODY came back to Nitro in two weeks.
Now, in the LONG run, it'd suck, 'cause the WWF has tended to get REALLY
lazy without competition, but in the short run...it'd be fun.
THE WALL v. YOU KNOW WHO - Let Us Take You Back to UNcensored where
Crowbar gave his body for a failed push. I have a feeling you could play
the Hulk Hogan/Big Bubba Rogers main event of the first episode of Nitro
and feel like we've come full circle here. Sadly, the Mark speaks of the
10 April Nitro as if he already knows he'll still have a job providing
colour commentary, and that's a strike against the "new" Nitro already.
Lockup, knee, knee, pound, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, choke, it's all
Wall. Clubbing blow, clubbing blow, face rake, right, right, headbutt.
Axehandle. Into the ropes, Hogan ducks, right, right, off the ropes,
right, right, double thrust, Nine Punch Count Along and Skull Munch. Into
the opposite corner, clothesline, right, Wall rakes the face. Choking him
with his on 'do-rag. Hogan out through the ropes. Wall outside and on
him. Axehandle. Chair to the back. Wall found a table. Hogan found a
chair. Hogan with an eye rake, now two. WHACK with the chair, WHACK,
Hogan cups his ear, WHACK again. Arrrrrrgh. Rolled into the ring, Wall
stomps, stomp, stomp, into the ropes, duck, got him in the choke!
CHOKESLAM (sorta)! Hogan pops right back up and points. I hate this.
Jackhammering away. Block the punch, right, right, right, into the ropes,
big boot, off the ropes, legdrop, WALL POPS UP!! Gutshot, clubbin' blow,
head to the turnbuckle, choking away, clubbing blow, another double sledge,
now for no apparent reason VAMPIRO is out (huh?) to give Wall the victory
(DQ 4:38) Hogan with a Piper-esque eyepoke, right. Vampiro with a spin
kick. Wall goes to the apron - both men run at him and push him into the
table, which breaks - but he gets back up 'cause he's THE WALL, see. JAMES
HART hands a chair to each man. Wall tells them they're dead men, but he
doesn't go back in the ring when they've both got chairs. Credits are
up...and we're out.
In the Thunder report, I'll tell you why I'm so depressed about what
appears to be coming with WCW (just in case you haven't figured it out
already). Join us then, won't you?
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net