I know there's a lot of stuff I was supposed to do, letters to print,
other people to make fun of, but the truth is this flu CLOBBERED me, and I
just now got back to work, and I had an equipment failure of the telvision
variety, and, dammit, I earned a vacation. But fear not, all should be
put right by next week. But stop writing me about Scott Keith. Write
Scott Keith about Scott Keith. Leave me out of it.
And no, I'm *not* God, but I'll talk about that sign next week in the RAW
report in great detail with lots of gushing over the signsmiths in
question. You've been warned (or teased, or whatever).
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, as Hollywood Hogan, Chuck Zito and Mel
the Cameraman from Chicago talk about nothin' and waste time in
TV-PG-DV-o-vision with closed captioning for the hearing impaired (He said
WHAT? "Jiggly jiggily Jew?") - later in that show, the Three Horsemen
(Flair, Anderson and Malenko) take a gander at another clip from the Hogan
& Zito show - after the show went off the air we see Flair ask where
Bischoff is, and shove a monitor to the ground.
We ARE OH SO LIVE from the Marine Midland Arena in Beefalo, NY! The date
is 8.2.99 and your hosts on this big Turner Network Television broadcast
are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko. The
mind games continue, for you and for me, as we learn that David
(Sammartino) Flair was not touched last week, because there was no chance
of it airing on television. But this did!
Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! last Thursday as Arn and Naitch natter on
about David not being hurt. Arn says he's on the first flight back Friday
- anybody else expecting that somebody would be waiting for him at the
gate with a tire arn? But where would the CAMERA be?
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! What the HELL has Spice put in her hair?
Get excited because tonight in this big three hour uncontested broadcast -
the Outsiders vs. Flair & Mongo! (Turn?) In exciting tourney action,
Hennig & Windham will take on Adams & Horace (oh be STILL my beating
heart!) Rey tonight! Booker T. and Fit Finlay fight! Diamond Dallas
Page stares at the Nitro Girls like a lech (Kimberly being the one that
can't dance in sync).
Disco Inferno knocks on a locker room door - Nash answers. After a
password game, Disco walks in to find Arn Anderson on the floor, courtesy
Nash & Hall. Nash gives us a brief Arn impersonation a la Labor Day '96,
while Hall says "What's that, three down, two to go?" Hmm? Two others
were taken out while I wasn't watching? No Benoit and Malenko tonight?
Is this how you ... oh, let's give them a chance.
Opening credits (close enough for gummint work)
Here's a big onsale announcement! Friday buy tickets for Worcester for
Nitro, Lexington for THUNDER!, Chicago, Milwaukee, Auburn Hills, and
Toronto for Nitro! Get in line NOW! Camp out! Bring SMORES!
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you through the kind
courtesy of SKITTLES!
A "you are there" camera shot provides a pool table, no shots, a blonde,
and "I saw you with those guys over there. They are so cool, and YOU, are
so fine. I have a limo parked outside, let's go for a ride." What did
your momma TELL you about taking rides from strangers? By the way - the
camera? Who is it? Who knows? OK.
FIREWORKS signify that Buffalo is ON FIRE for Nitro, or something. We
learn that Scott Steiner is not in the building tonight. So WHY is Page
watching the Nitro Girls? 'Cause he's a lech...
BLITZCRIEG v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. (with I Hate Konnan) - Remember, fans, you
can TRADEMARK misspellings (or somebody forgot their high school Deutsch)
- what the HELL is Konnan doing out there? Oh, he's crapping up this
match with a spiel on da mic. Rey is wearing an LWO T-shirt because he
knows it drives me nuts. Konnan says "strawberry" followed by "mi vida
loca." Rey says nothing. Do your talking in the ring my man. Lockup, to
the corner, if you hate play by play don't bother reading this paragraph.
Clean break. Lockup, side headlock, Blitz spins a bit and they're to the
mat. Up we go, Rey reverses to a hammerlock. Tony talks about the LWO
shirt and says "it's a good sign." OF THE APOCALYPSE, Tone. To the
corner, Rey up and over, Blitz moonsault lands on his feet. Armdrag by
Rey, forearms, off the ropes, back and forth, under we go, Blitz with a
dropkick and Rey outside. Outside goes Blitz, kick off the apron, he's on
the ropes - CORKSCREW ASAI MOONSAULT! Or whatever it's called. Rey
tossed back in, Blitz up on the apron - Rey's head to the buckle, Blitz on
the top - off the top - Rey reverses to a BIG powerbomb but only gets 2.
And this is only two minutes! I love me some Lucha! Rey up, Blitz
slammed - Rey to the apron - split-legged moonsault off the top rope for
2. We're up - Blitz flips out of an attempt - so Rey chops him (wooo!),
Blitz manages a whip into the ropes but Rey does his spin move. Blitz
rushes and is dropped over the rope but manages to land on his feet -
gutshot - on the top rope - sprinboard with a twist, lands on his feet
(!), tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Blitz! Lightning senton off the ropes,
followed by a backflip (!) for 2. Blitzcrieg can BE somebody! Into the
corner, chop (woooo!), again (woooo!), Rey kicks but Blitz chops (woooo!),
whip into the corner is reversed, but Blitz steps aside and Rey's shoulder
hits the STEEL ringpost. What the HELL is Konnan doing in there, go away.
Blitz knocks Rey off the apron to the floor. He's going up - swandive
plancha meets a dropkick from Rey on the floor. Whip into the STEEL
barricade from Rey. Throwin' him back in - both men on the apron - Rey in
the ring now - laying him on the second rope, gut shot - Rey outside,
springboard guillotine legdrop! 1, 2, kickout!! Rey takes him to the
corner and places him on the top turnbuckle - SUPERPLEX! 1, 2, how does
he kick out. Here's a rear chinlock from Mysterio, must be time for an ad
break or something. Nope, he's up and elbowing out. Rey whips him off
the ropes, Sunset flip counter for 2. Clothesline from Rey takes him out
of his boots. Rey poses in the corner and GET KONNAN OFF THE SCREEN. Rey
with a headscissors hold as commentators yammer on about Rey putting his
mask on the line at SuperBrawl. NOT NOW. I'm actually enjoying this
match a lot more than you'd think from all my bitching. Blitzcrieg is up,
off the ropes, REY manages a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker but only gets 2.
Rey in the corner, Blitz WALKS up him, flips, dropkicks him, DAMN. This
guy's pretty fly for a white guy in a mask. Rey whipped into the opposite
corner, but he gets up to the top turnbuckle and counters the charge with
a headscissors - Blitz moves to the corner - bad idea - bronco buster from
Rey. He's up - he's crotched. Yeah, you can't bronco buster my man
Blitzcrieg! He makes the flippy-flippy hand motion - SKY TWISTING BODY
PRESS! but it only finds the mat. Rey sets him on the top turnbuckle -
here's the Frankensteiner - well of COURSE Rey wins. 1, 2, 3. (8:23)
HELL OF A MATCH. Maybe I'm wrong in being pessimistic about WCW dogging
it (heh) this week while they're unopposed - maybe they DO want to win me
over. Konnan talks into the camera - well, never mind. Replays and I
can't stand Konnan.
At SuperBrawl, it's hair vs. mask - here's a Special Video Look at Luger,
Nash, Konnan, and Mysterio. There's ONE guy I want to see at SuperBrawl
of these four - even if he never seems to lose to another luchador (heh).
Konnan does manage to say "strawberries" in one of these clips. Liz'
hair, by the way, she's not sure about this, yeah. Let's move on.
Mortal Kombat is NEXT! (Well, in two hours and thirty-five minutes...)
SuperBrawl IX - coming to a Renaissance Fair near YOU!
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers (yousmashedmy -
HEAD!), Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, and Croissant Pockets (they're
like FRENCH Hot Pockets!) and Sudden Change Scam Cream.
Vignette time, grab the popcorn. Kanyon, Mrs. Levy and at least three
cameramen. She's frantic - PLEASE watch over Scotty and DON'T let him
leave the house! Kanyon finds Raven and asks him to break out of this.
Raven - are you ready for this - TURNS TO ANOTHER CAMERA - and says "What
a mark!" Oh, wait, Raven ISN'T always depressed. He was just ACTING this
whole time. "He don't get it!" says Raven directly to the loyal viewer,
presumably where Kanyon can't hear him. Well, I don't get it either. Is
this like "Getting" the WWF? Kanyon and Raven get in a - what's that, a
Lamborghini? and drive off, where presumably other fun adventures await,
all to be captured by a ready and waiting team of cameramen.
FIT FINLAY v. BOOKER T. - the preceding clip was apparently so lame the
commentators pretend they didn't just see it. Hey, maybe was really JUST
talking to us and not to ANYBODY else! Eh, screw it. This is the second
match as we turn the half hour so I have no right to complain. Especially
with a smokin' matchup like this! Too bad we know who'll win. Eh, let's
see how it plays out, okay. Oh no, I'm making my REPORT TOO LONG!
Lockup, hiptoss by T. WOW, that's some nice power (no really! no
sarcasm!) T calls to the crowd, turns his back (idiot) and Finlay
forearms him right in the back of the head (YEAH! Finlay's my man!)
Snapmare takeover - big buttdrop. Finlay yanks on the nose and gives that
famous elbow. "Finlay sucks" chant sucks. Back elbow off the ropes and
the man is down. Arm bar - short arm clothesline. 1, 2, kickout at 2.
Nelson backslide - 2 again. Jawbreaker. It's all Belfast tonight!
Riiiiiiight. Headbutts. Snapmare again - knee to the head, dropped knee.
Whip, reverse (here we go), Finlay with a shoulderblock (hey!). Finlay
off the ropes, over, under - eww, a SECOND leapfrog doesn't work, badly -
head meets groin and both men look hurt. Finlay is back up and standing
on the man - kneedrop. Finlay with a headlock, dragged outside - T. meets
the canvas. T eats an elbow and he hasn't gotten up from the mat since
that botched leapfrog. Finlay back in the ring - European uppercut - T
manages an armbar and a Harlem sidekick. Is he limping? Off the ropes,
duck clothesline, flying jalapeno! 1, 2, kickout from Finlay. He must
have shaken it off. To the corner we go, chop (woooo!), whip out - no
Finlay stops and pushes him to the corner, but T puts up a boot for the
charge. Forearm by Booker T, whip, Finlay holds on, T comes at him with a
kick but misses and hits the top rope instead. Finlay follows him out
with a double axehandle from the apron to the floor. The punishment
continues - Fireman's carry - DROPS his chin on the apron. Finlay back in
to argue with referee "Blind" Billy Silverman and piss off the crowd. T
manages to get on the apron, so Finlay throws him a forearm and takes him
back to the floor. Head to the STEEL steps as the ad break is announced.
Arrrr.
But it's no ad break - it's Hollywood Hogan and Horace talkin' about the
NWO - blood - I want you to lead the black and white - I can't act - I
REALLY can't act - don't tell anybody what we're talking about, it's
between you, me, and this here cameraman - I don't dare pursue acting - 4
life - I love you, my brother - ha ha ha. If they do this four more
times...
Back in a locker room, Meng and Jimmy Hart dress - no, Ric Flair talks to
Doug Dillenger about Eric's new assignment - head of custodial services.
Bischoff's job is to clean the facilities tonight. It apparently smells
bad - he'll have to use BLEACH tonight. "I have built this company to the
point where it's one of the most succesful companies of Turner/Time-Warner
and you want me to do THIS tonight?" Say, wasn't there...oh, I don't
know...a MATCH going on? But Bischoff is GROANING so it's funny!
Booker T. fights out of a sleeper as we FINALLY return to the match.
Elbow - botched snapmare - botched sleeper (I guess) - Finlay with a shot
to break it up. Another European uppercut from the Bruiser. Wow, another
one, snap. Finlay plays to the crowd, who hate him. Toss outside - he
gets to the apron and gets a gutshot on Finlay - Sunset flip fails and
Finlay drops a knee - there's another kneedrop. To the rear chinlock,
knee firmly between the shoulderblades. Booker T. fighting back and the
crowd plays along. Elbow from T, forearm to the back by Finlay. ON the
turnbuckles we go - Booker T. elbows him off - Plancha off the top with a
1/2 twist, hey! 2 count. Finlay gets control but T ducks and hits a kick
- there's the axe kick off the ropes. Belly-to-back suplex, breakdance,
Harlem sidekick - I'm sensing it's over - missile dropkick from the top
rope - thank you, good night. (14:33)
Kanyon and Raven walk into a bank, flanked by two cameramen. They get ten
thousand in ones and ten thousand in big bills. Hmmm, I thought Raven was
gay, what's he doing with all that G-string money...oh, I don't want to
think about it. In fact, I wish this whole thing would just go away.
Well, it isn't - Raven says he's going to give Kanyon a new look...stay
tuned...
Closed captioning where available (eh?) provided by JOLLY TIME POPCORN!
We hear a toilet flush - Jimmy Hart comes out and asks for more toilet
paper. The Faces of Fear - at least they use different stalls - Eric gets
to say "Ahh, man! You guys are sick!" I thought toilet humor was kinda
of a WWF thing...
Hollywood Hogan and Brian Adams - just between you, me, and the camerman,
I want YOU, Brian Adams to lead the Black & White. Oh, good God almighty.
AD BREAK? Didn't we just HAVE ONE?
GENE O. works tonight! Time to continue the gabfest as Gene first says
"shank of the evening," then brings out THE MAN to do a little talking.
Hmmm, do they NOW that since RAW *isn't* starting now, they don't have to
do this now? Come to think of it, why are they trying SO HARD
to....relax, relax, it's only hour one. There's only three more Black &
White guys we have to see Hogan talk to in the last two hours...there's
only fifteen more hilarious Bischoff the janitor sketches. Gene asks if
Arn's okay and Ric replies "Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean..." completely ignoring
the question. No, wait, Arn was apparently fine enough to say "Naitch,
you're the Nature Boy" or something. No, I'm NOT in the mood. I'm
coughing up stuff more entertaining than Flair's falsetto, honestly.
Flair says tonight's Hall/Nash vs. McMichael/Flair will burn Buffalo to
the ground. Do we WANT that? Flair has words for Hogan - he's gonna
strip naked (Tony: "Oh, my!") - no wait...eww, PIT stains! Anything less
would be uncivilised! Flair does NOT have a heart attack during this
interview. Flair asks the United States Champion to come out while he
mentions that he's going to abuse his power and strip Scott Hall of his
title shot. As BRET CLARKE walks to the ring, trying very hard to favour
his groin for the people, Flair does a lot of mocking with "the best there
is..." and so on. Flair says that Hart will wrestle at SuperBrawl at - he
has a surprise for him - and then he doesn't say who. (Hopefully Benoit
you know). Hart goes off about how injured he is while Flair says "let's
role play - you're Flair and I'm Bischoff." Is Hart in the NWO? I
forget. Hart goes on about how he has doctors. Flair says he's got an
opponent for Hart TONIGHT, and it's - oh - oh - oh. Roddy Piper. Flair
gets a pretty good "Hot Rod" chant started, anyway. Then he tells Hall &
Nash that it'll be "down there" tonight. And there's a crotch chop. Hey,
look! It's WILL SASSO from MadTV! As if there wasn't enough going on
around here. His sign says "HEY BRET! IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE?" which
alludes to last Saturday's - oh, who cares.
Blonde: "Don't you wanna come sit next to me? I know you're not shy,
I've seen the way you act on TV - I promise I won't bite - at least not
too much. C'mere." Whoever she's talking to should PUT DOWN THE DAMN
CAMERA and GO GET SOME.
Let's take a Special Video Look at the Tradition and History of the World
Tag Team Titles. Arn! Steiners! Harlem Heat! Windham! Bagwell!
Zbyszko! Luger! Sting! And so on! This was a pretty good history clip,
yes indeed. YEAH! Nash's NOT BOTCHED powerbomb on the Giant is in here!
TAPE THIS! Anyway, this clip likes the Horsemen, the Faces of Fear,
Hennig & Windham, and the NWO in the curren tourney. So, by all means, go
to Vegas and put your college fund down on Enos & Duncum! Because they
like to SHOCK us with their booking! Finals of the tag team tourney is at
SuperBrawl IX - 21 February.
The gooooooooooooorgeous Nitro Girls attempt to dance for your pleasure.
Dirty Old Man Diamond Dallas Page looks on because Scott Steiner isn't
here tonight.
Hollywood Hogan and Stevie Ray talk. Stevie manages to work in "sad sack"
another time before Hogan asks Ray to lead the black & white, oh by the
way, this is between you and me...and this here camera. Don't these guys
ever WATCH Nitro in their off time? I swear, Hollywood's WHOLE PLAN would
be ruined if ANY of these guys had the smarts to SET A DAMN VCR. I
*almost* smiled when Hogan said "You're the man, Holmes."
HORACE (hogan) & BRIAN ADAMS (It's Only Love, and That's All) v. DENIM
VEST WINDHAM & CURT HENNIG in a World Tag Team Title Tournament match -
hey, don't show that "Hennig is Perfect" sign in the crowd! First match
in almost half an hour, but hell, it just FLEW by, didn't it. Let's see
how long we can stall - Hennig attacks Adams while his back is turned -
Horace in and Windham on him - let's split up. Referee "Blind" Charles
Robinson COMPLETELY ignores Horace and Windham on the outside while Adams
botches a press slam - he gets it the second time. Non-descript brawling
on the outside as Adams gets a 2 count. Hennig thrown out and Horace
works on him while Robinson FINALLY notices people are outside and not in
their corners. This now almost resembles a match as Horace and Windham go
to their corners. Hennig thrown over the top rope, Adams follows, there's
a headbutt - Windham is over, Horace is over. As we get them separated,
it's time for an ad break.
Oh, no it isn't. Garza, Calo, Damien, and Ciclope ask "Eddie" for the
"locion" and say "por favor" about a MILLION times. I can see the booking
meeting for this. "Yeah, we don't have any time in these three hours to
book you guys in matches - but - hey - I know! You guys can wash up and
ask Eric for Old Spice in Spanish!" That said, it IS funny on a
way-too-intellectual level to hear them call Bischoff "Eddie."
WCW Master Video something or other ad.
If I see ONE more ad telling me how uncool it is to smoke, I swear, I will
START smoking.
As we come back, there's a figure four on Horace by Windham as Hennig
applies leverage and Adams keeps the ref from watching by complaining
uselessly. Somehow Horace comes back and I missed it - who cares -
powerslam for 2. Lariat from Windham. Head to Hennig's boot and there's
a tag. Snapmare, Hennig's Head Snap(tm), shot to Adams to distract him.
Horace came back somehow and tagged Adams. Suplex by Adams for 2.
Sleeper by Hennig as I force myself to not think maybe Bischoff was right
about tag team matches. Well, all four men are fighting for no apparent
reason again. Tony gives up on commentary and instead tries to invoke the
Lost Art of Continuity by reminding us that Piper tried to turn Hart into
the light so many months ago, and Hart manipulated him. Hennigplex and
Horace manages to just barely break it up. VINCE(NZO) is out with the
blackjack in his back pocket. STEVIE RAY is also out and making faces.
Spike piledrive on Hennig and Adams covers for about 256 while Windham
argues with Robinson. Okay, let's end this, shall we? Vince up on the
apron, Stevie on the apron, wresting his blackjack back - Stevie
accidentally hits Adams by mistake, Hennig falls on him - 1, 2, 3.
(10:30) All four black and white guys argue as Skittles gives us replays
of the end, because there WERE no highlights to report. Nope, not a one.
The fact that Adams won the SnowBrawl is NEVER mentioned.
Blonde talking to camera: "What are you lagging for? Trust me, you have
nothing to be worried about - I promise." She gets in an elevator. "Are
you coming? Come ON...." and we stare at her cleavage again. Yeah, them
pushup bras are amazing, aren't they?
Let's take a Special Video Look at Goldberg TALKING. "YOU'RE NEXT!" he
said to Bigelow. And so he shall be ... at SuperBrawl IX.
WCW MasterCard ad.
Hollywood Hogan and Vince talk about the leader of the Black & White,
between him, him, and the millions of viewers. Have you noticed that the
commentary team has NOT ONCE mentioned anything about these vignettes? Or
the blonde? Or Kanyon and Raven? See a pattern? Sigh.
Gene O. brings out BAM BAM BIGELOW to talk about cold beer. He still has
no music but we do get a random THUNDER! clap. Bigelow quotes Hannibal
Smith from the A-Team (he loves it when a plan comes together). Okerlund
says Goldberg "is not just another ex-football player" (ooh, Gene!) and
Bigelow reminds us that he's "extreme." Bigelow has a big repro of a
recent newsie article spotlighting Goldberg's distaste for animal
bloodsport, or something. Gene takes offense at the word "cockfights," I
think. Bigelow says he's too worried about cockfights and bulldogs and
not worried enough about the Beast from the East. "It says here, and I
quote from Goldberg, he vows to make everybody in the WCW adopt an animal
this year - well, hell, I'll take his old lady, and I'll put a leash
around her, and I'll walk her once or twice, and I'll feed her some Alpo -
whatever it takes! Whatever he wants!" Bigelow ROCKS the mic. Of
course, GOLDBERG runs out and it's on. Bigelow does ok until Goldberg
ducks a clothesline and hits a spear that actually turns into a big ol'
shoulderblock. Security is swiftly dispatched - for, you see, a fight
such as this you may not see for free. Bigelow's next, you know.
See the Nitro Girls 17-21 May on the BRUISE CRUISE! Or don't. Who cares.
Hey, look! Speak of the Nitro Girls! Speak of that pervert Diamond
Dallas Page watching on!
Page, by the way, will be on LATER this Thursday. A clip of Rita Sever
(host du jour - EVERYBODY but me has hosted this show) shows that ANYBODY
can do a DDP interview. Then Page turns to the camera and CREEPS
EVERYBODY OUT.
KENNY KAOS v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - Tony goes ON and ON about how PROUD
they are of their relationship with NBC. Just like ol' Will Sasso sittin'
there...oops, that's FOX, isn't it. Page walks out through the crowd
'cause he's a suckup. Commentators fall all over themselves to talk about
how great Page is to keep his wife out of that unsafe wrestling
environment (unlike those many, MANY years when he hired Maxx Muscle to
take care of that). "Hey, anybody want to job to Page tonight?" "I'LL do
it!" "That's the spirit, Kenny! Sorry we never let you and Eaton take a
serious part in that little tournament we're holding." "Hey, has anybody
seen Rick Steiner?" "Who?" "Well, all right. Anybody seen Rage?"
"Who?" "Aw, forget it. Yeah, I'll job to Page tonight." I PROMISE if
Kaos wins I'll go back and redo this entire paragraph. Hey, Kaos just did
a Smiley impersonation! Hey, where's that guy been lately? Hart and
Piper tonight - that's a QUALITY, PAY-PER-VIEW QUALITY type match tonight.
Hey, yeah, it WAS a pay-per-view match! It was for the WWF
Intercontinental Title match, it was WrestleMania VIII, it was almost
SEVEN YEARS AGO. Chew on THAT. (Second rope Diamond Cutter -> pin 5:49)
Page walks up to the crowd to suck up as the sole replay is of the
finisher because there were no highlights.
Raven and Kanyon go to Versace (Kanyon mispronounces it Ver-SAIS of
course) and it's clothes shopping time. Cue the catwalk music! Cue
Kanyon wearing outfits! GOD HELP US ALL. Raven calls Kanyon a jabrone
just to insult our suspension of disbelief further. Oh, and I NEVER wanna
see Kanyon in only a pair of briefs again. Thank you.
THUNDER! ad. Where else are you gonna hear the names "Jerry Flynn" and
"Glacier" in a promo?
wcw.com - the only website that gets
advertised TONIGHT!
Monday Night Jericho T-shirt ad. Hurry and get yours before they're gone!
We see lots of nightspots - apparently, Raven and Kanyon went there or
something, but we don't see it. They're pulled in to the garage while
Raven turns to the camera and says "the witch is home." Kanyon kayfabes
Mrs. Levy (har, har) and she tells Raven that WCW called - they want him
to come back to work. Raven says "I'll be okay -" then turns to the
camera, with a wink and a smile, and says "she's not too bright, is she?"
a special insight between performer and viewer, ah I'm all tingly inside.
For I have seen the future - and it's name is JOHNNY POLO. Hell, let's
just reunite him with Scott Hudson on commentary and we can pretend it's
the GWF for cryin' out loud! So what about "Jim?" Oh, we saw him last
week and didn't recognise him at all. What about Chastity? What about
me? What about RAVEN?
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo, Mr. Rimmer, Mr.
Lister, Kryten and Holly) hits the ring and forces ring announcer DAVID
PENZER to remind the audience that he'd like to be known as "the greatest
of all-time...and the greatest looking athlete today." Cat pretends he's
Muhammed Ali for about fifteen hours as I notice we've averaged two
matches an hour - oh, I didn't mention Bobby Heenan is at the commentary
table. "You suck" chant is quieted - then Cat manages to say "suck"
without it getting muted.
Meanwhile, we cut to the black & white dressing room, where Adams is
holding an icepack to his slapjacked region, har har. They manage to
convince Vince that Cat called him out, I think - for some reason, we can
barely HEAR anybody in this bit.
Cat talks some more.
Vince tries to get Disco Inferno to take on Cat in his stead, but Disco
ain't fallin' for that stone cold jive.
Cat's been talking about five minutes now. FINALLY that familiar music
fires up
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) v. VINCENZO -
WHY must we have this black-on-black violence? Oh wait, Vince goes for
Onoo - Cat comes out and attacks from behind. Back in the ring we finally
go and let the beatdown commence. I guess Scott Norton isn't here tonight
- remember last week Norton demolished the Cat, yup, well, amazingly
enough the commentators DO remember this as Vince gets a smidgen of
offense in on the Cat. There's that superkick that launched a thousand
... I dunno, finish the joke, I've still got an hour to try to be funny.
Onoo got in his shot, ok. Now they're back and forth - Vince just threw
an elbow, got nothing but security guy, who completely no-sold the blow.
That's so unintentionally funny... We're back in the ring and we're back
to the back and forth. Now it's all the Cat. He's a three time champion,
you know. Repeated rights (possibly martial arts blows even) from the
Cat, stand on the throat - Vince manages a jawbreaker. Atomic drop.
Right hand misses, superkick does not. Cat whips, clotheslines. Yet
another superkick from the Cat. Whip off the ropes, martial arts kick -
Vince laid on the canvas - Cat to the top as Onoo hits the apron for no
apparent reason - oh, it's so Vince can pull him into the Cat, crotching
him on the turnbuckle. Small package - 1, 2, 3. Are you as confused as I
am? Vince wins via pinfall and the Cat has an 0-2 streak going against
the black and white. (4:21)
Local cable ad plugs St. Valentine's Day Massacre - this is probably MY
only chance to remind you that the WWF is In Your House on SUNDAY! Oh,
and it's Valentine's Day, too. Don't forget!
Wednesday is the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit '99 special - what does this
have to do with anything? I dunno
Let's cut away from it as we see Scott Steiner has appeared and is hitting
on Kimberly (who is dressed to leave even though there's an hour left in
the show) - hey, there's DDP, who takes it to Steiner. A bevy of security
intervenes and separates the two, but not before Steiner takes the
rentacar that Kimberly has entered and drives off - no, wait, there's a
U-ie and he's coming right AT Page. A door opens and Kimberly (or, more
likely, her stunt double) is thrown from the car and rolls to a stop
face down. Watching this, I found myself wondering who this must have
happened to recently for Bischoff to write it into a story (see - Olypmic
bombing, governor with heart attack, and so on) Immediate ad break to
heighten the "realism."
When we come back, she's been rolled back over at the EMT's command.
She's made up nicely to give the impression that she'll have to be out a
few weeks, possibly for some facial surgery or some sort. Kimberly does
some - I think it's acting. Commentators fall over themselves to tell us
what an evil, awful, idiot of a man Scott Steiner is as we watch her get
loaded into the ambulance. Hey, you know what would be cool? If Buff
were driving the ambulance. No, wait, actually, NOTHING would make this
cool. It's just not compelling. It makes me think of Buff, really, and
how they tried OVER AND OVER to think that he'd reinjured his neck, to the
point where they blew twenty minutes of PPV time even though the ENTIRE
WORLD (save the three dummies at the commentary table) knew it wasn't
happening and you shouldn't fuck with people's emotions by even TRYING
fake crap like that. GEEZ.
Dost thou joustest with the meaning of fabled promos of yore? Hey, that
knight looks a LOT like Edge! Anyway, SuperBrawl IX is two Sundays
henceforth.
MadTV clip shows Sasso as Ventura and Hart as the evil Hart. Later, Hart
works over Sasso but good. I saw this bit and it was pretty good, but I
still like SNL better.
Larry Zbyszko prattles on and on to Eric Bischoff while grooming himself,
then makes a mess on his thousand dollar shoes, and tells Bischoff to
bleach the floor. Eric smells the bleach - didn't your mother ever TELL
you what that does to your nasal passages?
BRET CLARKE v. ROWDY RODDY PIPER for the WCW United States Heavyweight
Title - in case anyone is in doubt that Bret Hart is the greatest wrestler
currently working in the Big 2, watch this match. If he makes Piper
watchable, he IS that good. That's all there is to it. Of course, the
commentators have to talk all about Steiner and Kimberly and Page and hey,
they haven't mentioned ONCE Raven, Kanyon, the blonde, Bischoff in the
bathroom, Hogan and any member of the black and white. You'd think it
being so long since they've seen him, the commentators would try a LITTLE
more to be excited about seeing the guy - hey, maybe THEY don't want to
see him either! Naah. Hart and Piper have a little tet a tet in the
middle of the ring before the opening bell. Hart shoves, Piper slaps, and
it's on. Piper is a flurry of punches and bites, Hart thrown out and
Piper follows. Chop here, chop there, barricade here, back in we go,
Sasso in the front row and hamming it up like the biggest fan in the world
(literally?) Ten Punch Count Along only goes to nine for Piper because
he's so old. Hart fights back with some rights. Elbow. Whip off the
ropes, kick is caught, Piper takes him down with the other leg - Hart
backs up to the ropes. Piper teases a groin shot but referee "Blind"
Mickey Jay prevents the illegal tactic. Hart is out and working a limp
for nobody's sympathy. Hart is stalling nicely here. Back in we go, Hart
still trying to ake a groin injury. Fists a flyin' here, back and forth,
Piper breaks it up with his measured eyepoke as a TV-PG-V box appears for
no apparent reason (at the 2.5 hour mark? Zuh?) Hart choking Piper on
the second rope and not breaking. Suddenly Hart grabs his groin even
though Piper didn't do anything (despite Tony calling a phantom move) -
ahhh, it's Hart FAKING it - Tony admits he didn't SEE a move as trainer
DANNY YOUNG makes an appearance to be fooled, along with Jay and the
commentators. Piper walks around trying to figure what's going on as Jay
directs him to a neutral corner. Hart continues to sell his - no, he POPS
up and beats up Piper from behind. Hart is the COOLEST MOFO ON EARTH.
Let's take an ad break as Hart works the crowd into a frenzy.
If you are all ready to send me another complaint letter asking me how I
can like THIS and hate Windham & Hennig doing "the same thing," please,
don't bother. You don't "get it."
When we come back, Hart is again choking Piper on the second rope. Side
Russian legsweep (Tenay: "One of the first wrestling moves of this
match...") Hart goes to PIPER'S groin. Two rights from Hart. Rake of the
face on the top rope. Piper tries to come back but Hart's punching in
bunches. Backbreaker. 2 count. Piper just compared to Fit Finlay -
SOMEBODY should be insulted there. Hart to the eyes. Right hand.
Clothesline takes Piper up and over - Hart follows and it's choke with the
cable time following a flurry of punches. Jay breaks his count to come
out and try to break it up - Hart lets go at 4 and walks over to Sasso -
PULLS HIM OVER THE RAIL and gives HIM a choke while he's at it. Piper
makes the save with a cable choke of his own. Jay manages to take the
cable away while Piper gains some big mo in the ring. Suplex!! from
Piper! 1, 2, kickout. Belly-to-back suplex from Piper! 1, 2, kickout!
Piper knows as many suplexes as Hogan, I HAVE seen everything. Hart begs
off in the corner, then kicks him in the gut. Now they're trading blows.
Piper sleeper! But they sandwich Jay in the corner. Mid-ring collision
and everybody's out except Sasso who is jumpin' around like an idiot.
Heenan notices Hart's gone for the international object, GOOD call - Piper
with an inside cradle but the ref's out - Hart kicks out anyway. Hart
LEVELS Piper with the knux. Kneedrop as Jay tries to shake himself back
into this world. Hart is dragging the ref, but Sasso is holding on -
Sasso lets go, Jay flies, Hart tumbles, into a cradle - 1, 2, 3! Ladies
and gentlemen, we have a NEW United States Heavyweight Champion. (12:59)
Well, I'm not happy about that, but you know what? It wasn't a half bad
match and it's TOTALLY thanks to Bret Hart. Heenan calls Sasso "Fatso"
during the replays which I'm ashamed to laugh so loudly at.
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is ALSO brought to you by SKITTLES! The
candy for the RAINBOW crowd! (Oh, you didn't know? Yeah, only gay people
can eat Skittles. You didn't hear that from me, though.)
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers (heygetoffmy -
NOSE!), Hi-Ener-G placebos, Arrid XX TotalSport, Moen faucets, and LA
Looks hair stuff.
OUTSIDERS (with Disco InferNWO) v. THE MAN & STEVE McMICHAEL - I wasn't
paying attention, but I THINK Hall said "Hey yo" after a couple false
starts, and I THINK Nash said "Wolfpack in the house" shortly thereafter,
but the next thing I knew there was an ad break.
Mortal Kombat is NEXT!
Let's Take a Special Video Look at Flair and Hogan, because they're in the
main event 13 days from now (as opposed to any sort of match that's gonna
take place MAYBE minutes from now)
No, wait, here's the blonde talking to the camera. "It seems kinda hot in
here, doesn't it? *Whut?* You don't think I'm trying to seduce you, do
you? Why don't you sit down - SIT DOWN - I'll be right back." And we
leave whatever in the hotel room. The commentators act like it never
happened. Of course.
(AFTER THE FACT: somebody on Usenet id'd the blonde in question as fitness
model Torrie Wilson. Now, I
ain't sayin' she IS or she ISN'T - I'd need a nice Wonderbra shot to be
sure - but she is quite attractive anyway, yup.)
Flair and Hall tie up immediately while McMichael dispatches Nash to the
outside. Double team on Hall - Flair hiptoss and Hall goes outside to
seek solace. Hey, they're SMILING. "Oh, look, we're gonna wrestle. Huh
huh huh." Hall back in and on Flair. Repeated rights. Flair spings it
around and chops HIM in the corner (woooo!), punches, chops (woooo!), one
for Nash, who comes in - Mongo is in and clips him! Flair keeps punching
away on Hall and now they're both on the outside again - hey, maybe THAT'S
why they're called the Outsiders! Hall isn't smiling this time at least.
Hall back in - lockup, to the corner, Hall climbs the corner and hits a
Five Punch Mini-Count Along - Flair picks him up and hits an atomic drop.
Hall does a nice Rick Rude impersonation, then hits a clothesline. Both
men up at 4. Flair off the ropes, Hall blocks the punch and lands one of
his own. Hall whips Flair into the corner and hits a follow clothesline.
FLAIR FLOP! Right hand, right, whip into the opposite corner, Flair hits
a back elbow and climbs to the top - that NEVER works - Hall tosses him
into the middle of the ring. Abdominal stretch - Flair hiptosses him -
elbowdrop is doubleclutched but on target. Hall manages a tag to Nash -
whip - Flair grabs the rop and tags McMichael. Will he turn here?
Everyone's expecting that so no. Ha! Shoulderblock, no one moves. Nash
says do it again! Mongo stomps on a foot and knocks him down with a
shoulderblock. Hall in - scoop slam! SCOOP SLAM ON NASH! That looked
darn good there. Mongo pepering Nash with punches - Nash whips into the
rope, Hall attacks from behind, big boot to the face by Nash and let the
heat segment commence. Flair distracts the ref and there's a no tag.
Hall all over Mongo. Tag to Nash, all over Mongo. Tony asks where Sting
is because it annoys me. Repeated knees from Nash. Framed elbow with
extra special crotch chop beforehand. Foot on the neck. Hall hits a
left-handed lariat from the apron whlie referee "Blind" Charles Robinson
is distracted. Tag to Hall. Fallaway slam. 1, 2, shoulder up. Tag to
Nash. They take turns delivering rights. Hall back in, off the ropes,
sleeper. Tony reminds us that these guys had problems only a few months
ago - or did they? (Idiot.) Jawbreaker counter to the sleeper. We're in
overtime now. Nash tells Hall to keep McMichael from tagging and he fails
to - Flair in and the crowd completely missed the tag because they're not
going nuts. Flair all over Hall - atomic drop - commentators JUST figured
out there was a tag. Flair works the knee - Nash steps over the top rope
- so Flair crotches him (good idea!) and chops him (woooo!) to the floor.
Now, right here, watch this. As Flair puts the figure four on Scott Hall
- EVERYBODY STANDS AND LOOKS TO THE ENTRANCE WAY. They KNOW that this is
gonna end in a run-in and screwjob. THAT, more than anything else, is the
SADDEST thing EVER to associate with WCW. THAT is why, on a night where
they once again have the opportunity to shine and stand out and say "Hey!
Give us a chance and we can make you, as a wrestling fan, happier than you
could be with the other program!" they INSIST on pulling shit like this
and proving they're clueless about what the people want to see. A split
screen shot shows Eric Bischoff handing Hogan a bucket of something - we
all know it's bleach because of the wonderful foreshadowing we've been
treated to all night - and get this, the COMMENTATORS DON'T EVEN
ACKNOWLEDGE the other picture. Hogan walks by four downed security men as
Heenan starts "Look, everybody's--" and is cut off because he's NOT
SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT'S GOING ON. The funny thing is, because all the
commentators see is Hogan walking with a bucket, they have to MAKE UP
action to call - remember, their backs are to the action and they rely on
a television in front of them to call what's going on. Lame, lame, lame.
Somehow, Hall and Flair are up and colliding in the middle of the ring as
we finally get off the picture of Hogan WALKING. The 10 count is on - the
crowd cries as YOU KNOW WHO makes his appearance, and is noticed for the
first time ALL NIGHT by the commentators. Bucket in hand - Disco holding
Flair but Flair's trick knee acts up and Disco is crotched. Hogan calmly
turns to McMichael and levels HIM with whatever it is. Mongo acts blinded
as he's supposed to while Hogan flees from Flair into the ring - oops,
both Outsiders are still in there. Doubleteam is on. Hogan has his
weight belt - Flair with a double Golotta on both Outsiders - Disco in to
try the Chartbuster but Flair Golotta's HIM - GOLDBERG is out - spear for
Disco Inferno - BAM BAM BIGELOW is out - Robinson FINALLY calls for the
bell (no contest 10:44) as Goldberg clears the ring of all but Flair -
Tony says "what a way to end WCW Monday Nitro!"
What a way, indeed.
Oh, it's OKAY because there was only one finish that wasn't clean. Uh uh,
guess which one finish the people remember as they go home. Guess which
one finish is the one people remember as they turn off the television.
WISE UP ALREADY.
RAW is live next Monday, and it actually SADDENS me to say that they have
nothing to worry about because WCW couldn't turn me to their side tonight.
Sure, the Saturday show will suck the high hard one, but it doesn't count.
The US Open RAW Saturday Nights sucked just as badly but they came back
strong in September.
WCW can't out-WWF the WWF. Shows like tonight prove that so many times
over that I don't know why they try. How can they manage to perfectly
balance their soaring highs (the Blitzcrieg/Rey Mysterio, Jr. match,
Hart is given thirteen minutes to tell a story in the ring) with such
awful, awful, bottom-scraping lows? (I won't mention them AGAIN, you'll
know 'em when you see 'em) What's a wrestling fan to do? Tape, fast
forward, read some guy's recap on the Web. That's fine for YOU. But what
about ME?