Wow! It's been three weeks without a show ("Special X" doesn't count) and
four weeks since they've been live. What *will* they do with all the
money they've saved?
Well, for starters, it looks like they've FINALLY put together a new ad to
put on iNDemand before the show, replacing the one they'd been running
since July (late June, actually). THIS ad features Scott Hall, Jeff
Jarret, the "sizzling TNA girls," and the "most talked about new division
in wrestling, the extreme X Division." They STILL promise that Wednesday
nights will never be the same....and maybe, in some fashion, they're
right...
Opening Credits
GOLDY LOCKS intros the show and hypes the upcoming tag team gauntlet for
the gold. With a giggle, she brings in Scott Hall. Last time we saw him,
Jeff Jarrett was kickin' his ass! "Well, thanks for bringin' that up,
toots - Jarrett, you and I will certainly meet again, but Goldy, like
everyone else, I'm buzzin' about the tag team gauntlet for the gold,
because I'VE got a great partner, and he should be here any minute." She
says he must be referring to Sean Waltman. "Wow, nothing gets by you,
right? He should be here any time, and we're gonna win the gold. YO!"
Big hug - hey, he looks like Billy Kidman! "I got the room and
everything." "Cool! Hey, I'm sorry, I got a lot of catching up to do,
I'd love to talk but ah... I'll say it in front of the people - it's nice
meetin' ya, though." "Good to have ya back!" Wait, when was he ever
there? Oh well
WE ARE LIVE from the Tent in Nashville, TN 18.9.2 and THIS is NWA Total
Nonstop Action #13 (after this week, it's all gravy)! From ringside, your
hosts are ASK MIKE TENAY and DON WEST DOT ORG. They're very happy to be
here! Later tonight, you may have heard, we'll have a gauntlet for the
gold to award the tag team championship, and Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac will
be joined by nine other teams - Harris & Storm, Harris & Lee, Lawler & he
didn't say, and many more! Also tonight, X Champion Jerry Lynn gets a
shot at World Champion Ron Killings! Can Lynn become the first NWA triple
crown winner? And, lest we forget, a special announcement from Dustin
Diamond - West thinks he'll announce a celebrity boxing match with "Boom
Boom" Washington...or maybe Epstein - or Mr. Kotter? Finally, the Masked
Bullet MAY be revealed by Bob Armstrong - I have a hunch you already know
who it is...let's move on now to
EARLIER TODAY, Goldy (outfit #2) tried to have a word with Brian Lawler,
but he brushed her off. "Don't even talk to me! I'm out here waitin' on
somebody - and there he is!" He makes a lunge for Jeff Jarrett, but he
skillfully uses his luggage to parry the attempt. "Brian! Enough of this
crap, dammit! Enough! I know what this is about, and I never touched
that girl! Listen, Brian!" "What?" "She's a damn puppet master - and
you're her puppet! And she's pullin' more than strings in the back.
It's your damn princess...Brian, me and you have known each other since we
were kids - I'm the only one you CAN trust! It's your little princess you
cain't trust. Brian, get this through your head - where is she now, you
came with her, didn't ya? You know, better yet, who is she DOIN' right
now? Brian, I'm the least of your problems - I promise you, Brian."
Jarrett walks on by and into the building, leaving Lawler to pause
for reflection...
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, still in street clothes, makes his way out to
the ring to have a few words with the people. "All right, Bullet Bob - as
you can see, my day didn't get off to a real good start. And for that
matter, the past three weeks have seemed like a damn eternity. So
tonight, no more games, no more suspense, no more mystery. You either
bring your masked henchman out to the ring right now, or I'm coming back
*there*, and I'm gonna beat the Depends off your damn tired old ass. ...
Fine, Bullet, I'm serious, I'm coming back." And so he does!
Backstage we go where the camera catches up with Jarrett WALKING! and
making lots of noise in the process. Shove for BUllet, but from behind
the man in the mask starts to lay a whuppin' on Jarrett...
...bringing him out to the ring. Hmm, did he have those tattoos on his
arm before? Jarrett lands a few forearms as he comes in - into the ropes,
duck, left, left, left, jiggy jiggy, right. Give him a mic! "OH YOU
DIDN'T KNOW?" Yep, it's BRIAN JAMES. "NOW you know!" Good golly he
looks....not so good. "It's been a long time - and I'm a little blown up
to be quite honest with ya - but I'll tell you this: seven years ago, in
this very city of Nashville, a man called the Roadie walked out of the
World Wrestling Federation with what he thought was his friend, Double J
Jeff Jarrett. Now in doing that, I almost committed career suicide.
Jeff, I kept goin' - then I joined a little faction that revolutionised
professional wrestling...called D-Generation X! I'm proud of the fact
that I was a member, but not so proud of some of the things I've done -
you see, more than just the hairdo's changed, I've had a change o' heart.
But there's no change o' heart when it comes to you, Jeff Jarrett - I have
never forgiven you, and then you're gonna jump on my daddy? And when you
jump on the head of the James Gang, you jump on all of 'em, jack. Now I
tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm not done - I'm gonna go back there, and
I'm gonna find me a partner, and I'm gonna do what I do best, and that's
wear tag team gold around my waist. Step back, Jeremy, I'm not done!"
JEREMY BORASH makes one of his typically (ahem) great "Hoo-ee! the
camera's on me and I couldn't be happier about it! I'm PART OF THE STORY
YOU GO BRIAN" expressions. "So you see, it's me, it's me, it's that
D-O-Double-O no, that'll get me in trouble, see - at birth, my momma
called me Brian Gerard James, so if B.G. James is good enough for my
momma, it's good enough for me, and the G stands for Get it, Got it,
Good!" I thought it stood for "Gerard!" Man, it might be just me but it
sure seemed like he sure did a lot of looking at the ground during that
speech.
Commentators are EXCITED! Because it's been eleven minutes with nary a
wrestling match in sight! Who will B.G. James choose as his partner?
WHO?
Backstage, Goldy (back to Outfit #1) has the Elvises - well, Siaki and
Estrada anyway. What's up with what he did "last week" helping Estrada
and Yang win? "You know what, Goldy Locks - Sonny Siaki...I mean, *I* - I
did some soul searching - I took a long look at Sonny Siaki. And I
realised that it wasn't all about me. It's all about the Flying Elvises -
it's all about the team. We came here as a unit to make a name for
ourselves by capturing the NWA tag team titles. And tonight, Goldy Locks,
WE - the Flying Elvises - is gonna do just that. Shawn Michaels was a tag
team partner before he became a legend - my time will come, but tonight,
it's all about the Flying Elvises. And one other thing...tonight, Jerry
Lynn has a chance to put the X Division on the map, to show the world
that we have a place in sports entertainment, and for that, I applaud
Jerry. Every athlete on the S Division roster must stand united and stand
by Jerry Lynn by showin' our support. That's all I got to say." Estrada
seems...puzzled.
TNA GRRLZ (allegedly) dance from their cages. Here's the crawl:
NWA East - 19 Sept - California Pennsylvania University
NWA SW - 20 Sept - N. Richland Hills, TX
NWA East - 20 Sept - Connelssvile, PA
NWA Wildside - 20 Sept - Cornelia, GA
NWA Florida - 20 Sept - St. Peterburg, FL
Visit www.nwawrestling.com
One fall - X Division action
KID KASH (Johnson City, Tennessee - 208
pounds) v. THE PHENOMENAL A.J. STYLES (Atlanta, Georgia - 212 pounds)
referee: RUDY CHARLES
Styles to establish the face and heel in this
match with a little mic work: "WHOA WHOA WHOA! First of all...Sonny
SIAKI. The only one thing that will be supporting Jerry Lynn tonight is
his jockstrap! Oh oh oh - Jerry Lynn, if you think this party (stammers)
between you and I is over...you're badly mistaken. Every second of every
day you WILL be in my sights until I get back what is rightfully mine."
Kash seems pleased that Styles managed to utterly fail to work HIS name
into that promo. Let the record reflect that we managed to
eat up a quarter hour of this wrestling pay-per-view with un-wrestling.
AND AWAY WE GO! Feeling out process - lockup, arm wringer by Styles, Kash
rolls and nips up, reversing it. Styles does the same and we're back to
square two. To a hammerlock, reversal, reversal, chain wrestling, Kash
paintbrushes him, Styles to a waistlock and forearms him in the back,
takedown, Kash is out and HE'S got the hammerlock, Styles rolls and
reverses again...okay, this is like the pointless side of mat wrestling.
Back elbows by Kash, powers out but the head is down. Styles' backslide
is blocked, Kash over the back, Styles ducks the kick and sweeps the other
leg to take him down. Styles misses an elbowdrop, Kash misses a
somersault legdrop, Styles armdrag, Kash ducks the swing, armdrag, both
men up - INDY RESPECT whoops no, Styles dropkicks the knee and the camera
misses it (expecting INDY RESPECT, no doubt). We're told Styles won the
ZERO-ONE international Jr. title, but we're NOT told why he didn't show
off THAT belt on his way to the ring tonight. Nice to see that Chad is
prominently seated once again and that once again he's brought his "I HAVE
A PENIS" sign - because that's so much more fun to watch than X Division
action...I guess. Styles goes to work - forearm in the back, chop, into
the ropes is reversed, but reversed back, Kash hooks the ropes - upends
Styles onto the apron when he comes in, chop, chop, springboard dropkick
puts him on the floor. Kash motions for flippy-flippy - springboard over
the top into a 'rana on the floor! Kash with a chop. Styles whipped into
the apron but he leaps and lands on his feet. Stops Kash with a back boot
- and there's a moonsault from the apron to the floor! Kash rolled back
in. Styles with a NICE springboard dropkick coming back in. Styles
motions to the crowd and feeds their negative reaction. Hooks the leg -
only 2. Forearm by Styles, forearm, into the opposite corner is reversed,
but reversed back, boot up by Kash as Styles comes in - springs to the top
and comes off with the Bankroll (twisting moonsault) for 2! Kash picks
him up - version of the Boston Crab with the arms hooked. No submission,
so Kash drops him and drops an elbow. 1, 2, Styles is out. Kash stays on
him - right hand, right, off the ropes, Styles ducks and grabs a waistlock
- to the ropes, Kash shrugs him off, Styles with a superfluous backflip,
kick is blocked, gutshot by Kash, double underhook and going for the
Moneymaker (Tenay doesn't say what it is - Pedigree maybe?) but Styles
blocks - head to the nether regions, up on the back - Styles carries him
to the ropes and throats him from the other side, causing Kash to tumble
to the floor after taking the hot shot. Styles on the apron - leaps off
with a swinging DDT on the floor! Both men are down for a bit as Charles
lays in the count. Kash rolled in at four - Styles after and hooks the
leg - 1, 2, no. Kash put into the corner, up and onto the shoulder - then
pulls Styles' head into the second turnbuckle! Kash with a waistlock,
standing switch, Kash two back elbows, standing switch again, German
suplex and bridge - 1, 2, no! Styles put into the ropes, ducks the swing,
quebrada doesn't find anybody but Styles lands behind Kash and drives him
over and down with a move similar to the Eye of the Hurricane - 1, 2, no.
Styles with a chop, forearm, chop, into the ropes, head down, kick by
Kash, right, right, stairsteps the ropes into a 'rana! Off the ropes with
a tornado DDT - 1, 2, Styles is up! Styles into the ropes, Kash goes for
a leapfrog but Styles drops down and dropkicks his nuts. Kick, from his
back Styles applies a head scissors takeover...and a discus lariat. Leg
is hooked - 1, 2, no. Styles with a chop, Kash chops back, right hand by
Styles, right, right, right, off the ropes, dropkick to the back as Kash
slumps over the second rope - leg is hooked...2 for Styles. Kash sent
into the ropes, he hooks them, then puts Styles on the apron as he rushes
in - but Styles lands the right hand. Styles with the springboard
dropkick - no, this time it's *Kash* retady to meet HIM with a dropkick in
the 'nards! Both men stay down but Kash is up at 4 -
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, clothesline, jumping
clothesline, stairsteps up and misses a frog splash! Styles goes to the
top...only to get CROTCHED. Kash chop, climbs up after him, flippy flippy
sign...but the Frankensteiner is blocked into a second rope SUPER Styles
Clash - 1, 2, 3! (9:56) **3/4
Backstage, Goldy ("Earlier Today" Outfit) has Marcus Bagwell. Why's he
here? "To be honest with you darlin, you know, Buff Bagwell has been
given opportunity after opportunity, not only that, I wanna show the fans
that I'm here for a second chance - not Buff Bagwell, but Marcus Alexander
Bagwell - the person that brought me to the dance, Marcus Alexander
Bagwell - and I'm showin' them, not maybe for a second chance, I want a
third, fourth, or maybe even a fifth chance. Whatever it takes to show
the people that I am who I am, and what started me in this business as
Marcus Alexander Bagwell, and that's what's gonna--" James interrupts.
Hand of Friendship! "Excuse me - excuse me. Marcus, I know I don't know
you and you don't know me, but I do know of you. I'm standin' back there
and I couldn't help but overhear what you're sayin' - not only do I hear
your words but I feel 'em because I've lived 'em. Opportunities I've
thrown away, because of foolish mistakes I've made. Every man deserves
not just a second chance, but chance after chance. I'm tellin' you what -
if TNA won't do it, I'll do it tonight - I'll give you a chance...if
you'll be my partner, we'll march through that gaunlet for the gold and
we'll wear the tag team titles, so I'm askin' ya, will you be my partner."
"You're askin' me to be your partner, you're gonna give me a second
chance." "I sure will." "You got it." Awww, they hug!
And now to Jeremy Borash: "Ladies and gentlemen, at this time please join
me in welcoming, from NBC's 'Saved by the Bell,' you know him as Screech,
give it up for DUSTIN DIAMOND." I consult my watch and discover that
"Saved by the Bell" hasn't aired on NBC since 1993...oh well. Tenay and
West again make the more timely "FOX's Celebrity Boxing II" reference and
again fail to remember the name of his opponent beyond "Horshack." (It's
Ron Palillo, in case YOU couldn't remember.) Diamond dutifully puts over
the product and talks about what a great time he's been having. Borash
brings up Celebrity Boxing and Horshack. "Yeah, I kicked the crap outta
Horshack!" That was a lot of fun, but for an accomplished martial artist
like himself against an old midget like that...well, c'mon. Imagine the
next question in the Jeremy Borash voice for full effect. "Well, I'll
tell ya what...Dustin, ya got some boxing experience, when we gonna see ya
maybe in the - in the wrestling ring here at TNA, huh?" "Oh yeah - yeah,
that's what everyone loves, you know what - I've seen these guys in the
back, they're incredibly talented, you know what - there is no way with no
training, maybe if I had some training, a little bit in the future, I
might come down...I mean, if I was wrestling someone like you, 'cause you
know, that'd be easy 'cause you're a pipsqueak." Borash freezes into
another "starring Robin Williams as Popeye" face...and declines, offering
Don West ("the scrapper") instead! West says he's paid to announce...but
he DOES have a guy in mind - the big fat timekeeper. "You wanna be a bell
ringer all your life? No? Go out there and ring his bell!" Now imagine
Borash's voice going up half an octave. "Tiny, our bellkeeper? What?
Are you up to box Tiny, our bellkeeper, here tonight?" "You gotta be
kiddin' me, I'll KILL Tiny!" "Tiny? You want it?" "You know what -
Tiny, you wanna do this, let's do it, you and me tonight." "Right now?
All right! It's gonna be Screech vs. Tiny the bellkeeper! Go get the
boxing gloves! Right now, let's do it! Go get the boxing gloves! Mike
Tenay, we got ourselves a boxing fight! Back to you!" THIS IS A SHOCKING
DEVELOPMENT
Backstage, Goldy (Earlier Today outfit) has the Hot Shots - they are in a
qualifier for the Gauntlet for the Gold - Chase corrects her, saying
they've graciously put their spot on the line for some young team out
there. Goldy accuses them of not being old enough to drive, must less
given an opportunity. In the triple match to come against them, Wylde &
Rave and Steele & Punk, they were included because they're #10 team.
"That's the kinda gratitude we're gonna get! That's why nobody does
anything NICE these days! C'mon Cassidy, let's go do some other good
deeds before our match." As they leave, Disco Inferno walks up and asks
if she's seen Brian Lawler - "you know, the guy running around here with
the puppet strings hanging out of his limbs?" Goldy says it isn't her
night to keep watch on him. "Oh, so you're gonna be a smartass - again?
Well let me reiterate once again that that is NO way to get me in bed with
you."
SCREECH v. TINY THE BELLKEEPER - geez, more like the BellBEEFER. Imagine
Rick Scaia gained about two hundred pounds and you've got a pretty good
idea of what Tiny looks like. (Or, if you prefer, carve two hundred
pounds off of Tiny...and you have a pretty good idea what Rick Scaia looks
like!) SCOTT ARMSTRONG surely had better things to do than officiate THIS
bout, you'd think, but there he is just the same. Borash is attempting to
do something hilarious...get this, and failing. Three one minute rounds,
we're told - doubt it'll go one. After touching gloves, Diamond shoves
him away. Armstrong calls for the bell but everyone appears to have
forgotten there's no timekeeper - West obliges. Diamond ducks the wild
swing, right to the body, left, right hand puts him down. Armstrong puts
in the count...and the music starts playing at 4 so I guess it's over.
Diamond walks over Tiny on his way out of the ring - Armstrong BARELY
manages to declare the bout over via knockout (0:42) before Diamond's left
the ring...up the ramp and with any luck, out of the state
NWA ECCW - 20 Sept. - Port Coquitlam, BC
NWA Main Event - 20 Sept. - Columbia, TN
NWA Hawaii - 20 Sept. - Waikiki Shell, HI
NWA East - 21 Sept. - Indiana, PA
NWA Mississippi - 21 Sept. - Magee, MS
DEREK WYLDE & JIMMY RAVE v. CM PUNK & ACE STEEL (424 pounds) v. HOT SHOTS
(Chase Stevens & Cassidy O'Reilly - Nashville, Tennessee - 412 pounds)
with the losing team out of the gauntlet for the gold
referee:
Charles
WOW Borash botches the opening introction, calling both guys
"Jimmy" and then adding a third name at the end and...well, I couldn't
figure it out or I'd have written it down right here for your
entertainment and amusement. I spell it "Steele" but I'm not the TNA
chyron guy - then again, maybe I'm confusing this guy with Danny
Dominion's partner (wink wink) so we'll go with their spelling tonight.
Tenay rails on how the Hot Shots "gave up their spot" except I can't
figure it out because it sure seems like somehow TWO spots end up on the
line here...so you would THINK that one of these other two teams ALSO had
to put their certainty of being in the gauntlet in doubt. Right? Of
course, NONE of this explains how B.G. James can just waltz in WITHOUT a
partner and *automatically* get a berth in the gauntlet (except his father
being the NWA representative, right?) oh...well, yeah, there is THAT, but
still I wish people who weren't me would bring this up. Possibly people
who weren't me who also claim to be behind the writing of this,
f'rinstance - that'd be swell. Well, anyway, the Hot Shots haven't talked
about their protruding pricks tonight...but they still are. I know you
were wondering. It's Chase Stevens starting with CM Punk - Tenay doesn't
want to risk misidentifying the Hot Shot so he doesn't. Go behind to a
hammerlock to a side headlock to a hammerlock to a takeover to a
knucklelock to a okay... forget it. Wank wank wank, let's get to some
damn action HUH. Punk blows this, Stevens blows that, Stevens elbows out
of the waistlock, no he doesn't, well he backs him into the corner, but
Punk does a flip and then a jawbreaker, crossbody sprung off the ropes for
nothing. Stevens right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes but
there's a blind tag by Steel and Punk manages to counter the head scissors
takeover attempt by dropping him into a gutbuster on Steel's knee. Half
hour suplex by Steel. 1, 2, no. West points out that if you're not in
the ring, you might as well just cool out because there's no way you can
be eliminated. When DON FUCKING WEST is pointing out YAWNING PLOT CHASMS
in your gimmick match's gimmick, isn't that a WEENTSY sign that perhaps
*somebody* didn't think this thing all the way through? Steel with a
forearm, into the ropes as Tenay tells us they call themselves Hate
Breed...the significance of which, sadly, escapes me. 1, 2, Stevens kicks
out. Forearm by Steel, leapfrog, chop ducked, Stevens clothesline ducked,
Steel chop, chop, chop, forearm, whip is reversed, rolls under -
apparently there was a blind tag in there and Derek Wylde flips in - but
lands into a big powerbomb from Stevens. Why did Wylde tag in when his
team was safe? Only Don West cares to ask. Tag to O'Reilly...but leaps
into an UGLY 'rana. Tag to Rave. Into the ropes, but Stevens grabs him
from behind off the ropes. Rave with a chop, but turns back to eat a
falcon arrow from O'Reilly. Tenay STILL hasn't ventured a guess on
calling one of the Hot Shots - but God bless Don West because *he* HAS!
Split-legged moonsault by O'Reilly - stopping to jaw with the crowd,
giving Rave time to recover for a schoolboy - 1, 2, no. Chop, chop, into
the ropes, O'Reilly ducks, handspring elbow, and again poses to the crowd.
Chop by O'Reilly, tag to Stevens, chop, into the ropes, double gutshot,
double kick to the back of the leg, double dropkick sandwich on the head
("Sure Shot"), faceplant by Stevens, O'Reilly off the ropes and
backdropped onto Rave, Stevens covers, 1, 2, Steel breaks it up. WHAT?
ACE STEEL BREAKS UP A COVER ON A GUY WHOSE TEAM HE IS NOT ON? WHAT THE
*FLYING FUCK* DOES ACE STEEL CARE IF RAVE & WYLDE GET ELIMINATED? IS THIS
NOT BETTER THAN HIMSELF - STEEL - AND HIS PARTNER PUNK GETTING ELIMINATED?
WHY ISN'T *WYLDE* CONCERNED ENOUGH TO BREAK IT UP? ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH FUCK
THIS SHIT I'm not bothering until I call the end of the match - this
commentary is inane, this doesn't make sense, SHIT Steel just saved Rave
again - this is SO fucking STUPID. Let's all do our indy spots and indy
indy indy it up - coming up an indy battle royal gimmick indy indy fuck
cluster spot spot fuck indy. Fuck it. Even Derek Wylde twitching OLD
SKOOL STYLE won't save this match. Why yes, they DO all tumble outside
one by one for the lucha train wreck CRAP. I've had it. No lies. Steel
gives Stevens a Gorry special into a neckbreaker, apparently called the
"dumb ass indy spot name" and gets the pin to - get this - BRING IRONY.
(7:13 you'll never get back) **1/4 minus A MILLION SNOWFLAKES for
STUPIDITY
NWA Wildside - 21 Sept. - Cornelia, GA
NWA Virginia - 21 Sept. - Richmond, VA
NWA ECCW - 21 Sept. - Langley, BC
NWA Hawaii - 22 Sept. - Waikiki Shell, HI
NWA Virginia - 22 Sept. - Newport News, VA
Backstage, Goldy (Outfit #3!) has Chris Harris & James Storm. "Yes,
ma'am, but obviously, we don't have to worry about those Hot Shots, 'cause
you've just seen exactly what happened to those cocky critters!" "Goldy,
we *finally* get our shot at the NWA WORLD tag team championship. Do you
have any idea the history behind these belts? Storm, do YOU have any idea
of the history behind those belts?" "Well, yeah! Does Howdy Doody have
wooden balls?" "You know what...I'm not even gonna get mad tonight. I'm
not gettin' mad tonight because tonight is our night. We are not gonna
let this opportunity pass us by. And I'll tell you what, you've been
tellin' me for a long time you're a legit cowboy. You've been sayin' that
you're the real deal. Well I'll tell you what - that's fine with me.
Whatever it takes to for us bring home the gold. Cool?" "By God, let's
go git 'im!" "Let's go round 'em up, buckaroo." "Whoa whoa whoa,
Chris...it's like I said before, YOU can not say 'buckar--' okay, YOU can
say buckaroo,' 'cause you're my partner. Didja hear that? That's what I'm
talkin' about, he just said 'buckaroo!' Wooooo!"
Borash welcomes to the ring CLEAN & SOBER and SYXX-PAC - of course, the
chyron says SYXX but that *can't* be right, else somebody in TNA would get
SUED. Don't tell me...more interview time? Might as well, we're not
showing any signs of cracking the workrate barrier any time soon. It
takes Hall a good five false starts to say "Hey yo. You know,
Syxx-Pac...when I was walkin' down this aisle tonight stepping in this
ring, I thought about the *first* time I ever saw you in a wrestling ring.
I think it was 1993...New York City, the Manhattan Centre, and uh...let's
see, you beat some jabrone, what was his name, uh...Razor Ramon? You know
what, I'm lookin' at you now, man, it's been a long time and we've been
through a lot of ups and downs in and out of the ring, and I just wanna
say that, uh, there's only a couple guys in the whole world that make me
love pro wrestling, and you're one of 'em...and I don't want the boss to
know it, but uh...when you're in the ring with me, I'll work for free."
Hmm, I wonder what he'll say here. "You know, a lot of people like me -
even more probably don't like me - and that's fine. And you know all the
bad shit you've heard about us, it's all true." Hall holds up a hand to
hide his point at 'Pac as if to say "hey, it's only true about him" - HEH.
"But another thing that's true is, like he said, we love professional
wrestling, and that's why we're here in NWA TNA. I'm not sports
entertainin' any more, I broke in 15 years ago as a professional
wrestler...and that's what I'm back to now. So Scott...before we get
fired from this place (which we probably will) hell, let's go down in a
blaze of glory AND KICK SOME ASS!" No sooner are the words done than RON
HARRIS & BRIAN LEE punk 'em out from behind - I mean, put up some moves
before the inevitable reversal of fortune leading to an X Factor
(Syxx-Pactor?) on Harris...and an Edge on Lee. HEY! Why is Hall wearing a
"Lone Wolf" vest if he's partnered up with Syxx-Pac?
Backstage, Goldy (outfit #3) has Lawler, who is pacing about. "My
girlfriend? Huh? Have you seen her? You seen my girlfriend April?
What about her? Where's she at?" Goldy says they couldn't afford to pay
her to appear on camera tonight, so....no, actually she says she doesn't
even know who April is, shouldn't he be more focused on the match? "What
match? ... That's tonight?" "Yeah, earth to Brian, hello..." "HEY
LISTEN! I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME FOR YOUR COMEDY! NO COMEDY TONIGHT! YOU
UNDERSTAND? THIS IS A SITUATION - THIS, TONIGHT, IS A LIFE OR DEATH
SITUATION! YOU UNDERSTAND ME?" Then he breathes on her a bit before
taking off.
Borash asks us to welcome back HERMIE SADLER. Oh for fuck's sake. He
joins Tenay at ringside and they talk about how Sadler holds a victory
over the current reigning and defending NWA World Heavyweight Champion.
Just kidding...you didn't think they'd actually talk about WRESTLING, do
you? Sadler's here to announce that on 12 October, NWA TNA will sponsor
his care in the Hicknut 300 car race and by God, those NASCAR fans will
learn that NWA TNA is where it's at! Tenay asks him to stick around to
interfere in the...I mean, WATCH the next match...
BRUCE hits the ring and I reckon this'll probably polish off the worst -
THE WORST hour of TNA I have had the misfortune of experiencing.
Fortunately for me, Hermie Sadler talks over Bruce so I don't have to
bother writing down what he says. Mrs. Tenay is not in attendance so
Bruce won't be beating the crap out of her tonight. Once again, the open
challenge is issued - maybe he'll change his policy and whoop on the
NASCAR driver. After a good three minutes, Bruce finally selects a chick
from the audience...
BRUCE v. A CHICK FROM THE AUDIENCE for Miss TNA - Hermie Sadler says this
is the part of the show where he usually takes a coffee break - way to
sell the product, Hermie! At least tonight, the plant gets in no offense
so as to destroy the illusion that she's not some plant. (Powerbomb ->
pin 1:09) Bruce shows his ass to Hermie. "Are you proud of yo self?"
Bruce back over to the chick, ramming her head into the mat - this brings
Sadler in to make the gallant save - atomic drops are FUNNY! Bruce rolls
outside after a Sadlerkick. Play his music! (I guess)
Backstage, Goldy has Jerry Lynn - tonight he's got a shot at Ron Killings
and the world title. "That's right, Goldy, and you know what? That's
what it's all about, and that's what I'm here for: opportunity. I mean,
as you know, I didn't get a lot of opportunity in some of the other
companies I've worked for in the past. And yeah, sure, a couple weeks ago
I achieved one of my goals by capturing the X Division title. But ya
know, that's just one of my goals. Don't get me wrong, being the X
Division champ is an honour, but...being a world champ is every
competitor's dream. And right now, Ron's the best...and, but hopefully
after tonight--" Killings interrupts and they go face to face. "Jerry,
what's that shiznit you talkin'? Is that what you call honky talk?
'Right now, he's the best?' You damn right I'm the best. This world title
is all about bein' a man to me. Do you have any idea what this mean to
me? It won't be no flip flop flyin' around up in the Asylum tonight. My
whole life, people are tellin' me I'll never do this, I'll never be that -
well you know what, Jerry? I am all of that, and a bag of damn chips too
- whatever flavour you want! You got that? If I was you, I'd be prepared
to commit a homicide, 'cause that's the ONLY damn way you gon' take this
belt from me."
TEN TEAM NWA TAG TEAM GAUNTLET FOR THE GOLD
BRIAN LAWLER (Memphis, Tennessee - 235 pounds) (#1) v. COWBOY JAMES STORM
(#2) - leave it to the "random" draw to get the partner of the guy who
earned #20 to come in second. Every minute another guy comes in, when
there's two men left, the partners will get new life and it becomes an NWA
tag team championship match under normal tag rules. Lawler parts the
ropes for Storm long enough to get him straddlin', then yanks until it
hurts. Here we go! Clock in the corner looks to be just about right
regarding the minute. Storm right, right, right, right, right, whip is
reversed, hip toss blocked, Storm's blocked, leg over the neck, flippy
flippy, off the ropes, Lawler with a laboured back body drop. Storm into
the ropes, gutshot, Storm manages to reverse to a gutshot and DDT. Lawler
dumps Storm on the apron but he climbs up - missile dropkick connects!
Lawler into the corner, splash by Storm MISSES and down he goes.
JOEL MAXIMO is #3 - death suplex on Lawler, 'rana, dropkick, right, right,
trying to put him over and out - Storm over to help...Lawler fighting it -
Storm kicked away and Lawler's back to his base. They try again...now
they apparently have to sit there ten seconds and wait for the next man to
be announced...
#4 is DEREK WYLDE - springboard dropkick on Joel - head scissors, poses to
the crowd...and Lawler tosses him. (2:38) Superkick on Joel and HE'S out
(2:43). Storm into the corner, boot up, tornado DDT attempt punched away
and Storm falls from the top turnbuckle to the floor! (2:58) Alone in
the ring, Lawler breaks into some musicless II Cool dance moves, including
and up to "diggin' a hole." The clock appears broken.
Finally, MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL comes out. Ever mindful of all
currently storylines, idiot Borash cheerfully identifies him as "Buff
Bagwell." Oh well. Double bird for Lawler - ducks the swing,
clothesline, clothesline, gutshot, double bicep, neckbreaker, chatting
with the camera - man, don't get him near any pins. Head to the buckle.
Kidney punch, right, right, right, climbs up top and hits the Ten Punch
Count Along. Timmmmberrrrrrrrr! Don West offers that it might be a good
thing to be eliminated early, because it means you'll be fresh if your
partner makes it to the end. DON WEST: PLOT HOLE DRILLER.
#6 is KOBAIN. Clothesline for Bagwell, head to the buckle, right, into
the opposite corner, boot up by Bagwell, clothesline out by Bagwell,
right, into the ropes, big back body drop. Over to Lawler for a right -
and back to Kobain for a stomp, right, right for Lawler...oops Lawler with
an uppernut when Bagwell turns back to Kobain. Lawler tries to direct
traffic, and Kobain DOES stomp - but then goes to Lawler - right, right,
right, right, into the ropes, head down, drop and uppercut by Lawler.
Stomp for Bagwell...
#7 is ACE STEEL, who goes right for Kobain - but ends up eating a back
elbow on the charge. Steel and Kobain back and forth, Bagwell and Lawler
doing pretty much nothing. Steel with a dropkick in the corner on Kobain.
Lawler grabbing a nosh on Bagwell. Kobain and Steel trading chops, if
only to get a "wooooo!" reaction from the crowd.
#8 is JORGE ESTRADA, but ends up eating punishment from Steel before even
finishing his slide into the ring. Whip is reversed, up and over, Estrada
with a hiplock takeover. Lawler is free to rest as everybody else pairs
up. Lawler practically trips over Kobain laying out on the mat. Bagwell
take an uppernut which keeps us from having to try to handle two
simultanous Ten Punch Count Alongs...
BRIAN LEE is #9. Tenay asks us to consider the "Andre the Giant" factor.
Okay, but why would we consider it when Brian Lee comes out? Six men,
three pairs dancing. We really need to weed...
#10 is SYXX-PAC - shot on Estrada, kick trifecta on Kobain, Blowout on
Estrada, chops Kobain out of the ring (10:19) - Lawler into the corner and
there's a broncobuster!
C.M. PUNK hits the ring JUST as Syxx-Pac tosses Steel (10:59), so so much
for having both members of a team in the ring at the same time. Syxx-Pac
with a scoop and slam on Punk - if you SCOOP him, you should TOSS him over
the top rope to the floor! 'Pac runs into a powerslam from Lawler.
Estrada goes for Punk since Lee is busy with Bagwell...
#12 is JIMMY RAVE - he and Steel take turns being indytastic before
Estrada joins Rave in a double pummel on Punk (who Tenay calls "Steel" -
oops - but he DOES 'fess up to it after West gently corrects him)
#13 is BIG RON HARRIS - you'd think he and Lee stay close, and sure enough
the eventually do! Estrada put onto the apron but saves himself, managing
to flip back over the top and in...oops, spoke too soon. Lee & Harris
toss him (13:52). See ya, Punk (14:04). Lee finally scoops up Rave and
tosses him (14:06), I guess he was waiting for Harris to come out so he
could impress him? Bagwell runs at Lee - and gets dumped. Dummy.
(14:16)
#14 is B.G. JAMES, but before he hits the ring, 'Pac upends Lawler out of
the ring. (14:23) Ducks Harris, eyepoke, ducks Lee who clotheslines his
own partner - left, left, left, juke, jive, right, wiggly wobbly woobly
kneedrop on Lee, Harris shoves him down to stop his momentum. Kick in the
ribs. 'Pac stomping away on Lee for all the good it'll do him, meanwhile,
James blocks Harris' punch, right, right, right, right. You ain't tossing
him on your own, come on.
#15 is JOSE MAXIMO. He climbs to the top - is caught by Harris - and
tossed to the floor. Bushwhacker Luke award winner? (15:44) 'Pac into
the ropes - H bomb. Why H bomb him when you can toss him? Into the
ropes, Syxx-Pac ducks, double clothesline on Harris and Lee! Spin
heel kick on Lee, Harris reverses the whip and Lawler punks out 'Pac from
behind - Lee and/or Harris shoves him over and out and the camera missed
it (16:36)
#16 is SLASH, who goes RIGHT for James, while Lee and Harris are content
to watch. Stomp, elbowdrop, Lee drops the axehandle, Harris picks him up
for the right hand, Slash drops the leg, Lee drops the knee and leaves it
on his windpipe for a spell. Harris pulls him up while Slash sneaks in a
stomp - hard whip into the corner.
#17 is SONNY SIAKI. Gutshot for Slash, off the ropes with a somersault
neckbreaker, front flip legdrop, stomp, stomp, stomp - James trying to
fight back against Harris & Lee - flip flop double punch - Lee in the
corner - nope, Harris from behind with a knee. James gets the snapmare
over - Harris stands on his neck. Lee over to work on Siaki - Harris
joins him.
#18 is DISCO INFERNO - he's wearing a freakin' GIRDLE to the ring, I shit
you not. All the way along the apron, back, along, and finally into the
ring. Goes for Siaki - right, right right right right right right - Slash
helps out with Siaki. Disco with a pose - but Harris spots him - gutshot,
kick, into the corner, free shot for James to help Lee right, right,
stands on the neck...
#19 is SCOTT HALL - right for Lee, right, right, right. Winds up for a
right. Right for Harris, right. Tries to get Lee over the top and out
but that's not gonna work. Seven men in the ring right now. Siaki
working on Disco, but Slash saves him. Harris trying to get Hall off his
feet, but Hall rakes the face - then upends Harris out! (21:16)
#20 is WILDCAT CHRIS HARRIS. Hall gets Slash out somehow (21:32) after
ducking a clothesline. His lip's bleeding as well! Siaki runs at Disco,
who sidesteps and Siaki takes himself out (21:50). Disco with the
moves...but finds himself between James and Hall and plays pinball for
them. James with a left, left, and kick in the nuts. Hall puts him over
but he stays onto the apron to take a delayed discus right to the floor.
(22:36). James and Hall exchange knowing looks - and rather than go at
Harris and Lee, they trade righth ands instead. Lockup...and Lee barrels
over BOTH of them taking them both out to the floor. We're down to
two men. (23:01)
WILDCAT CHRIS HARRIS & COWBOY JAMES STORM v. PRIME TIME BRIAN LEE & BIG
RON HARRIS for the NWA tag team championship
referee: Charles
Harris puts Lee into the ropes, reversed, big boot by Lee. On the
entryway, Harris has headed off Storm with a bit boot - and a chokeslam on
the stage! And now JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET runs out to get some of
B.G. James...they end up going behind the curtain, so let's look back in
the ring, you know, at the MATCH. Storm is out on the ramp - Lee and
Harris having their way with Harris. Hmm, no relation on the Harrisses
you know. Storm starts the dramatic crawl to the ring... Lee stomping
away on Harris (Chris) - now leaving Harris (Ron) to snap suplex him. To
the ropes and shoving Storm off the apron to the floor (ha), then giving
Chris a knee. Lee in - Harris left, left, left left left left, into the
opposite corner, Lee is out and Harris goes splat, Lee adds a clothesline
and covers for 2. Ron in - another knee for Storm before he can get to
his corner. Lee rams Chris into Ron's boot. Tag to Ron - into the ropes,
looks like a double chokeslam. Storm in - Ron drops the elbow on him -
Lee adds a stomp in the back. All four men in the ring now - into the
ropes with Storm...going for the H bomb but Storm manages a backflip and
lands on his feet, ducks Harris and clotheslines Lee! Clothesline for
Harris, clothesline for Lee, clothesline for Harris, whip of Lee is
reversed...and he's caught in...some doubleteam slam, I don't know.
Harris & Lee didn't even do the same move, so I don't know which one they
meant for. Ron under the ring and finds a table to set up. Storm placed
on the table - Harris sends Lee after Harris (er). Powerbomb attempt but
Harris rolls over and down the back with a rollup - they're in the ropes
but Charles doesn't care 'cause this is the finish - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and
gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. Don't forget undefeated!
(4:55 - total: 27:56) **
Commentators sure are proud of Jarris & Storm - wow, watch that guy rough
up the fans behind them!
Backstage, B.G. James either "has been busted wide open" (their story) or
"has a towel with red dye applied to his temple" (mine). He's surrounded
by Scott & Bob Armstrong - Tenay makes the paternal connection, but not
the ...BROternal one.
NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: Graphics spell it out: The Truth is
6'0", 225 pounds and five years pro - Jerry Lynn is 5'9", 210 pounds and
14 years pro. There's a contrast in offensive styles. Can Lynn use his
experience edge to become the first NWA Triple Crown champion? Who will
dictate the pace in this match? We'll find out....NEXT!
THIS IS JERRY LYNN (challenger - X Champion - Minneapolis, Minnesota) v.
RON "THE TRUTH" KILLINGS (champion - Charlotte, North Carolina)
referee: Armstrong
Killings demands Armstrong check the kneepads and
soles on Lynn...then, while he does, Killings pops Lynn with a straight
right hand. We're underway! Right hand. Kick, right, into the ropes,
Killings spins into the back elbow. Right. Right is ducked - Lynn right,
right, right, kick, kick, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Lynn
up and over, gutshot, right, into the ropes, reversed, Lynn with a
tilt-a-whirl out of the head scissors! Right, right, kick, forearm,
pulled into the centre and Lynn delivers the backbreaker - 1, 2, too
early. Right hand. Right. Into the corner, Truth up and over but Lynn
didn't move in - Lynn waits for Truth to run at him and gives him a drop
toehold into the turnbuckle. Stomp, stomp, gets a running headstart,
springs off the corner into a dropped headbutt to his nether regions.
Waistlock - to the ropes but Truth shrugs him off - Killings steps aside
on the charge and helps Lynn go outside over the top. Killings through
the ropes with a dropkick. Lynn ducks the swing...but runs at Killings
and ends up getting a faceplant onto the commentary table and his own X
Division belt! That's probably the cue for the bladejob...and sure
enough, Lynn comes up gushin'. (Only THREE minutes in? Are we running
out of show that quickly? Oh....yes, we are.) Right hand by Killings,
rolls in to break the count and right back out. Right right right right
right, right, every punch meant to open up the cut. Lynn rolled back
inside - Truth covers - Armstrong counts even though Truth's legs are
underneath the ropes - 1, 2, no. Crowd chants "TNA" for some bizarre
reason. Whip into the corner reversed, Killings up and over but Lynn
didn't go in (he should probably stop doing that) - sidewalk slam for Lynn
- hand on the chest - 1, 2, Lynn easily rolls his shoulder. Killings
shows off Lynn's crimson mask for the camera (eww, too close!) Chop.
Into the corner, Lynn up and down with a crisscross rollup - 1, 2, Truth
is out! Lynn down the back but Killings backs him into the corner.
Killings up for a Ten Punch Count Along, but Lynn shoves him off at five -
Truth with a superfluous backflip, then comes right back with a side kick.
Lynn tossed through the ropes. Killings has a few words with Armstrong,
then decides to head out after him anyway. Right hand. Head to the
barricade. Right. Whip into another barricade is reversed and it's Truth
heading in hard! Lynn makes a run...but Truth gets the boot up.
Killings puts Lynn's head down on the STEEL steps. Killings tries to open
up the cut - yeah, don't zoom in on THAT, sheesh. Forearm across the
chest. Lynn put back in, Killings back in - stomp. Stomp. Killings
rolls him into a toboggan - okay, sitting surfboard. Lynn manages to
touch the bottom rope with his forehead, breaking the hold and also
leaving some pretty blood everywhere. Truth with the whip, Lynn ducks,
grabs a waistlock, standing switch, Lynn elbow, elbow, elbow, off the
ropes, big boot almost misses so Killings kicks him again for effect -
cover, 1, 2, NO! Killings with an axe kick (and a flourish!) - hooks the
leg - 1, 2, NO! Lynn put into the ropes, Lynn tries a desperation
crucifix, keeps spinning, manages a sunset flip instead - 1, 2, Killings
is out! Killings right back on him with a clothesline. Now Killings
stands on the neck until Armstrong says cut that out. Second rope choke.
Into the ropes, Lynn ducks, Lynn with a crossbody - 1, 2, Killings kicks
out! A.J. STYLES is out at ringside (oh boy). Killings with another
clothesline. Cover...2. And now KID KASH is out - and now JOSE & JOEL.
Killings with a headlock - Lynn elbowing to the gut to break it - but
Killings rakes the face. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, boot
up by Lynn, ESTRADA & SIAKI are out - Lynn with a death suplex and both
men are out. Commentators say the X Division are true to their word,
coming out to cheer Lynn on...but it's everybody but Styles on one side of
the ring and Styles alone on the other. Lynn with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes, back
body drop, clothesline, clothesline, clothesline/leg sweep combo - leg is
hooked - 1, 2, NO!! Even Styles is cheering on Lynn as well? Lynn
motions for the cradle piledriver...but Killings reverses to a back body
drop! Brainbuster attempt - but Lynn reverses THAT to a DDT! Lynn covers
- 1, 2, Killings with a foot on the ropes but Styles pushes through the
crowd at ringside and shoves Killings' foot off...but Armstrong saw it and
stops the count anyway. The assembled competitors surround Styles to
question his motivation (I guess) - meanwhile, Lynn climbs up top...and
behind Armstrong's back, Siaki crotches Lynn (ohhhhhh). As Siaki gets
chased backstage, Killings applies the Consequence and I guess that's it.
1, 2, 3. (12:28) **1/2 Killings checks his reflection in the belt -
yep, he still looks good.
Over to Don West for the hard sell - Jeff Jarrett takes on B.G. James,
Syxx-Pac gets his revenge on Brian Lawler, and also Jeff Jarrett takes on
B.G. James! (West's PA mic wasn't working first time, see) AND Low-Ki
returns!
B.G. JAMES is back out - Killings seems pleased to see him and offers the
Hand of Friendship - James brushes by him so he can talk about
Jarrett...but Killings doesn't like that, CLOCKING him - and now JEDOUBLEF
JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out for a doubleteam. *This* brings out CLEAN &
SOBER and SYXX-PAC - broncobuster on Jarrett, eyepoke and fallaway slam on
Killings, Jarrett fed to James for a gutshot, pumphandle HE'S DOING HIM
DOGGY STYLE and slams him. James, Hall and 'Pac pose for the crowd as the
credits are up - oh, look, it's become the very thing we'd been promised
it would be an alternative to. What? So very, very, very disappointing.