by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
WRESTLEMANIACS - WHAT DOES IT MEAN? You mean you *missed* our great big
third anniversary celebration? That's okay...I did, too. Depressing,
ain't it?
I still have a little something I'd like to do to mark the occasion, but
first I need to overcome some inertia. Let's see if doing tonight's show
spurs me on!
QUICK QUOTES: But, first, of course... WWF 14 (+ 0.40 ... last year: 16
7/8), SPLN 3 25/32 (+ 1/4 ... last year: 27)
It's strange not having to decide which tape to watch first, isn't it? You
probably don't have this problem. Trust me.
TONIGHT: Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley and Trish Wheresherlastname get to
WHIPPIN'! Also tonight, will Stone Cold Steve Austin explain it all? Find
out in sixteen minutes!
THIS WEEK'S MIAMI VICE SPECIAL GUEST STAR: Ed Lauter (okay, not as big a
deal this week - sorry to the Ed Lauter fans, but it's true)
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV-CC - WWF!
Opening Credits
LOOK! UP IN THE PYRO another year, another WrestleMania - ho hum - just
another big show - no, WAIT - WRESTLEMANIA WAS AWESOME! And here we are
once again, transmitido en espanol SAP, WWF New York, Ft. Worth, TX and the
Unnamed Arena 2.4.1 and WHYYYYYYYYY has the Rattlesnake sold his soul to
Satan himself? And could maybe - JUST MAYBE - Ross be overselling it with
rhetoric like that?
STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT is out to "My Time" to not act - she wields a strap,
presumably a prop/precursor to tonight's whuppin' match she'll have later
tonight with Trish. Let's all grin and bear this interview: "Last night
at WrestleMania, Trish Stratus had the nerve - the audacity to slap my dad
(Vince McMahon) right in the face! I mean, how can - how ungrateful can
Trish Stratus be? After everything my dad has done for her! But Trish, as
you well now...payback is a BITCH. So I'm not only gonna KICK your ass,
I'm gonna WHIP it. I have requested and been granted a WHIPPING match
between you (Trish) and me tonight...In This Very Ring! But tonight is not
about Trish Stratus - it's about someone of importance. So allow me to
introduce you to the most important man in sports entertainment today - my
Dad, VINCE McMAHON!" Just before "No Chance in Hell" starts up, you can
hear dogs howling. The patriarch is out with a gift wrapped box - I'll
guess a Smokin' Skull may be inside. Big hug in the ring....and Stephanie
takes her leave. "Well well well! All I would ask...all I would ask is
just a little respect - all right? ["Ass hole!"] Well, many of you might
be saying 'why, Mr. McMahon, why are you happy...why, Mr. McMahon, why are
you smiling?' Well, there's a good answer for that because right here in
this ring tonight, I have the privilege - I have the privilege of
personally handing the World Wrestling Federation championship, as soon as
he arrives her in the building, to Stone Cold Steve Austin. And that'll be
a highlight, indeed, just as WrestleMania was to a certain extent, although
many of you might say 'Mr. McMahon, you shouldn't be happy, after all' -
yes, as my daughter just reminded me, Trish Stratus...a woman whom I heaped
lavish gifts on - fur coats, diamond rings, slapped me in the face at
WrestleMania. That didn't make me happy. And then...my wife (Linda).
Obviously, Trish had not given her the sufficient medication for that day,
or maybe not even that week - my - my wife, now, get this, my wife hauls
off and kicks me in - in the gonads. What kind of a woman would do such a
thing? And then....the former commissioner Mick Foley - Mick Foley, for no
provocation, no provocation at all, hammers me and drives me into the
corner! ["Fo-ley!"] And Foley drives his knee into my head - and then
from there, my very own son takes a garbage can - jams it - jams it into my
chest, and then proceeds to fly from that corner and all the way over to
this corner, and dropkicked that garbage can into my head! So no, maybe I
shouldn't be so happy after all. But you know, there's an old expression -
'all's well that ends well' - and WrestleMania ended just fine with me.
Yep, those of you who were there, I promised you something shocking. And
in the end, there it was - Vince McMahon, united with Stone Cold Steve
Austin, standing above the Rock! Now I have had an occasion to listen to
the play-by-play...on that match from WrestleMania. Now, with that in
mind, good ol' JR, I've gotta ask - I've gotta ask you a question, JR.
[leaves the ring] Did you - or did you not call Stone Cold Steve Austin an
SOB?" "Hell, no." "Don't deny that! Don't deny that! Did you or did you
not say that Stone Cold Steve Austin sold out to the devil himself! You
said that, did you?" "You're damn right!" "Well, now - let me think about
that for a moment. Let's see...Austin sold out to the devil himself, huh.
Well ya know, when you think about it...[back in the ring - "ass hole"] You
know, when you think about it, JR, contrary to someone's opinion, I am not
the devil, okay? Although, the devil is a - pretty powerful individual, so
I guess - I guess we do have a little bit in common. But nonetheless, JR,
as it relates to Stone Cold Steve Austin and Mr. McMahon, again, the one
thing that struck me very clearly - because you know when you do the right
thing, you've got that feeling in your heart, in the pit of the stomach,
you know when you've done the right thing. And at WrestleMania, as
Austin's hand was raised, there was a tremendous outpouring of support from
Texas for Stone Cold Steve Austin...there was, don't deny it - don't deny
that! Hey, don't go back on your fellow Texans, don't deny that - that
happened. That happened at WrestleMania! And as a result of that, a
number of you, and I quite frankly don't know how many of you contributed,
but when I got here to the arena tonight, a number of you and whoever it
is, thank you very much, chipped in to buy me a gift in honour of me (Vince
McMahon) being here in Texas. I wanna share that with you." Vince opens
the box - aha, it's a (white) cowboy hat. Crowd boos as Vince struts.
"YEAH! Yeah ah'm a real Texan now! Yeah! I kin step in sum kow krap -
hell, I kan chew tobakko! Yeah! I got sum red all down mah neck back here
in the back - yeah - ah'm a real Texan! But you know what? Whoever gave
me this hat...let me just say that, uh, [removes hat and places it in front
of him] this is what I think of Texas... [grinds loafer into hat]" And now
IF YA SMELLLLLLL DOT COM is out to make Vince gulp melodramatically. But
first, this chant. "So the Rock'll make this really simple - the Rock is
demanding a rematch for the WWF title against Stone Cold Steve Austin...the
Rock is demanding it tonight...right here in Texas." "Well, Rock...Stone
Cold's not even hear yet, that's just not gonna happen, I mean....["Rock
E!"]...no matter how much support you've got from these people, no Rock...I
don't think so." "Well let the Rock just say this: one more time, he wants
his return match, and if you don't give it to the Rock right now, the Rock
- he'd just as soon as find a way for you to change your mind!" And he
makes the walk down the ramp to the ring, drops the mic, parts the ropes -
Vince asks him to calm down. "Really. Rock...calm down.
Listen...I can't give you your match tonight, and quite frankly, I'm
not going to, but if you lay a hand on me, I swear to you, Rock, if you
happen to lay one..." "The Rock will give you one more chance to change
your mind." "I'm warning you - you lay one hand on me, there'll be
repercussion--" Rock with a right - Vince is down like a sack of potatoes.
Rock stands over Vince - Sharpshooter! Ring the fucking bell! Oh,
no...sorry, wrong city. Vince TAPS OUT (like that'll help) and Rock
actually *does* break the hold - maybe Vince relented? "Now you tell the
Rock one more time - does the Rock have his shot?" "....yes. Dammit,
yes!" Play his music! Rock is all the way back up the ramp before Vince
is back on the stick. "Hey Rock! Hey Rock! Yeah, you get your
championship match tonight - but you know what? You're gonna get it...in a
steel cage. TNN inserts ten frames from three different shows at this
point - WHY do they do that? And we play "No Chance in Hell" again - as we
fade to the break, Heyman lets loose with an "oh my God..."
I think everyone owes the WWF an apology - that opening segment didn't last
twenty minutes! It only lasted *seventeen!*
A rematch of the WrestleMania event one night later - a cage match no less?
Not only are people who buy pay-per-views idiots, but Vince REALLY wants to
hook those viewers who didn't have any WCW to watch and only turned to TNN
out of withdrawl! And hell, that'll probably count for what... three
tenths of a rating point?
Moments Ago - you were probably watching some other show, so here's another
chance to check out Rock and Vince having fun on stage. Aha, he *did* say
"you got the match" while in the Sharpshooter - so I guess that replay WAS
a good thing to have. Nah, it still sucks.
EDDIE GUERRERO & DEAN MALENKO & SUPERSTAR PERRY SATURN (with Nipples & WWF:
The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) v. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST and ACOLYTES -
Test's music is cut off at Guerrero's behest. "Hey, homie - I seem to
realise ese vato you're missing something, ahhh that's right man, you're
missing the European Championship! I also see you happen to be missing
something else - a coupla friends, maybe - a couple of guys to come help
you compete - well just to show you I'm not that mean a--" but the music
hits and out come the reinforcements. Test makes a beeline for Guerrero,
who decides to skip out on staying in the ring. Bradshaw shoulderblocks
Malenko, who rolls out - Bradshaw over to help Faarooq with a double
neckbreaker on Saturn. Looks like we'll have one on one as referee "Blind"
Jack Doan puts Bradshaw out. Kick by Faarooq, kick, Saturn manages an arm
wringer off the whip attempt and pancakes him down. Right hand by Saturn,
right, off the ropes, but Faarooq powerslams him. Tag to Bradshaw - knee,
elbow, into the ropes, head down, swinging neckbreaker by Saturn. Tag to
Malenko - off the ropes but Bradshaw hits a shoulderblock. Fallaway slam!
Guerrero leaps off the top - Bradshaw catches *him* and HE gets a fallaway
slam. Saturn with a forearm from behind - there's the exploder - Malenko
and Guerrero doubleteam the stomping while Doan keeps Faarooq and Test from
coming in. Guerrero puts a shin across the throat - then goes to the
blatant choke. Tag to Malenko, open kick. Into the ropes, nice heel kick
by Malenko. Bradshaw punches back, Malenko tags in Saturn - knees from
both - head to the buckle, right, right, right, Saturn gets to pummelin'
and Doan pulls him off. Bradshaw comes back - right, right, right, knee,
hard into the corner, but Bradshaw barrels out with a shoulderblock.
Saturn somersaults over to a tag of Guerrero...but Bradshaw tags Test!
Guerrero puts on the brakes and offers the Hand of Friendship - Test slaps
it away, hairpull take down, lariat, clothesline, right, right, into the
corner, press as he comes back - into snake eyes - gutshot, gutwrench into
a vicious powerbomb - Malenko saves at 2. Malenko right, right, right, off
the ropes...Test with a tilt-a-whirl slam. Saturn in from behind - death
suplex - and there's the moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza
(swinging fishermanbuster)! But Faarooq breaks up the bridge at 3. Well,
all six men are in now and I think we've lost control here. Four men spill
out - Test puts Saturn into the ropes - full nelson - Uncle Slam - 1, 2,
NO!! Terri is up on the apron...Test brings HER in - he's gonna give her a
Meltdown!? Saturn saves her, pulling her away...but then runs into the
Big, Big Boot - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3. (4:07) Heyman reminds us that
chivalry will bite you in the ass every time.
William Regal is on the phone with his mother about how evil Chris Jericho
is - there's a knock at the door...it's Stephanie. She wants to be assured
that Trish Stratus won't be able to weasel her way out of this match
tonight. Somehow this leads to Stephanie (not) "dramatically" whipping
Regal's desk repeatedly.
Kaneoke Stacker 2
Kane items or less Stacker 2
And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From WrestleMania,
Chyna accepts a phone call from 1976 - Lynda Carter wants her outfit back
Here's a look at the Ft. Worth skyline - y'all y'all y'all
TONIGHT: It's a Whipping match!
Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN. Last night, we had five
championships change hands - here are stills of all the new champions as
"My Way" plays for the first time. Congratulations to Chris Jericho for
managing to be the only man to hold onto his title at the end of the night
- congratulations to Whoever the Light Heavyweight Champion is for dropping
off the face of the earth with HIS title as well
Stills from TLC II
Vince asks Commissioner Regal "you do know what to do?" Regal says he
knows exactly what to do. Vince says good, he'll be able to go take care
of his business with Steve Austin, then.
Meanwhile, Triple H is WALKING! MICHAEL KING COLE will be playing the part
of Dave Meltzer. "Triple H, excuse me, Triple H, can I just get your
thoughts on something that rarely occurs - a loss last night by you, to the
Undertaker." "How many days in a year?" "365." "Right, 365 - well, 364
days this year, I have been kicking everyone's ass in the World Wrestling
Federation. One night - ONE NIGHT - I have a bad night. And I'm not
taking anything away from the Undertaker - hell, he did exactly what he
said he was gonna do: the Undertaker rolled into WrestleMania, and he
showed the world that he was he big dog....because he said he was gonna
beat me...and he did. But I loved every second of it. Every punch, every
kick, everything we did - I loved. I cannot wait to get in the ring with
him again - and I can guarantee you this: when we go again, the outcome, it
won't be the same. When this is over, when it's ALL...over...the
Undertaker will know that I am The Game." "Oh, Triple H, one other
question? I just wanted to get your thoughts on, uh, Stone Cold Steve
Austin winning the WWF title with the help of your father-in-law, Mr.
McMahon. What I mean is...is did you know anything about it?" "What do
you think?"
Meanwhile, Trish Stratus is WALKING! And repeatedly smacking her hand with
a strap!
"WrestleMania: the Official Insider's Story" ad
Let's see....forty minutes....one match...yeah, that's about right.
Steve Richards talks while the cameraman does a slow 360 to find
him/herself surrounded by men in white shirts and black ties...oh and
Ivory, too. "When we fall...we must get up...and continue to fight the good
fight, because it is bigger than all of us combined. At WrestleMania, we
LOST the Women's title. At WrestleMania, we LOST our tag team match. But
people, one thing we did not lose was our convictions, and tonight, we will
fight fire with fire and go after the one thing we despise most in the
world - the hardcore title. And tonight on RAW, we will show Kane and the
entire world just how deep our convictions run."
STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT (with Let Us Take You Back to DysfunctionalMania) v.
TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL DOT COM in a whipping match - Stephanie
decides to remove her hands from her hips long enough to run up the ramp
and bowl over Trish. ("Shane? Could you teach me that spear thing?")
Down the ramp they roll - Stratus laying in the boots. Into the ring we go
- Stratus removes her jacket (yay!) and goes back for her strap...into the
ring, but Stephanie is waiting - hairpull, head to the buckle, and now a
choke with the strap. Stephanie climbs up to the second rope - then tries
to hang Stratus. Mared into the centre. And there's a DDT! Stephanie
crawls over to grab the strap - whip! Whip! Whip! Well, you get the idea
- ooh, right in the buttocks! Stratus manages to kick her off - mount -
right and left slaps. Still got her hair...here comes the bulldog.
Stratus grabs the strap - whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! Right in the
booty! Stephanie crawls outside - Trish follows - whip! Whip! Whip!
Whip! Whip! Stephanie rolls onto JR - whip! Whip! Whip! Stephanie,
desperate, grabs ringside flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA and uses her as a shield.
Garcia, as you can imagine, is less than thrilled at this prospect.
Stephanie shoves her into Trish - and down they both go. Referee "Blind"
Chad Patton is mostly content to watch most of this, and really, who can
blame him. Back into the ring we go - gutshot by Stephanie, short
clothesline, got BOTH straps - and now windmilling her about the assal
area. Stephanie stomps on her butt a bit. Up to the second rope -
she's gonna Vaderbomb her! - oh, no, Trish is gonna sweep her leg
and Stephanie is going to very gently drape herself across the top buckle.
Whip in the butt! Whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! (THERE'S a camera angle I
don't ever need to see again) Whip! Whip! Well here comes COMMISSIONER
REGAL - pulling off Stratus and applying the Union Jack - well,
*attempting* to; Stratus kinda fell down about a half second early, but why
quibble when there's no competition...Regal holds down Stratus for
Stephanie to rub her bottom - no, wait, grab a strap and take it to
Stratus' midsection - here comes CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - right for Regal,
right, tossed over the top to the floor - and outside to keep Stephanie
from using the strap any more - Stephanie runs up the ramp and away. Play
his music? What a waste of our time. (No contest 4:55) See, both Jericho
and Stratus are BLONDES, so *that's* why he came to her rescue...
TONIGHT: WWF CHAMPIONSHIP STEEL CAGE MATCH
XFL on TNN hype
Stephanie berates Regal for letting Jericho come out tonight - not to
mention win at WrestleMania. Regal says he'll take care of Jericho
tonight...and spontaneously books him in a handicap match against himself
and Kurt Angle.
CRASH (with Molly Holly - already in the ring & RAW is WAR is brought to
you by Foot Locker, FRAM! FRAM! FRAM! and Stacker 2) v. RHYNO (already in
the ring after the ads are over) - oh, I don't like the looks of this,
fans. Right by Rhyno, right by Crash, right by Rhyno, right, right, right,
right, right, right, into the opposite corner, boot up by Crash, right by
Crash, right, right, ducks a right, right, right, into the ropes is
reversed, Rhyno brings him up but Crash busts out a flying headscissors
takeover! Head to the buckle, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is
reversed, but Crash steps out and Rhyno shoulders the buckle. Missile
dropkick by Crash - NO SALE! There's the gore - and there's your match.
(0:56) For an encore, Molly climbs up top and hits the
Molly-go-round...but then turns her back to check on Crash. NO SALE! Gore
#2. I don't know about you, but *I* am going to go start an online
petition RIGHT NOW because it's not RIGHT when heavyweights squash the
light heavyweight champion like that.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY asks Debra how she feels about Mr. McMahon helping out
her husband last night. "Kevin, I was just as surprised everyone else out
there that night." "Did you know anything about it beforehand?" "Kevin, I
just can't talk about it right now. I'm sorry."
As "My Way" plays for the second time, here's a still of the handshake that
shook the world...or something
RAW is WAR comes to the San Jose Arena 21 May! They still haven't taken
Lawler out of the local spots. Tix go on sale Saturday April 14th at 10am
- I'll be sure to try to get some front row tix online, and get screwed by
heavy server volume (but this time you have working DSL!) Hmm...yes...I
see...
TONIGHT: Stone Cold Steve Austin battles the Rock! By God, this BETTER
pop a rating! Hey, is it Sweeps month again?
BILLIONAIRE VINCE comes to ringside again, carrying the WWF Championship
title belt on his shoulder - pausing briefly to give it a cuff shine.
Here's the RAW credits, here's the TV-14-DLV-CC - see, they've set up this
segment to compete with the overrun of...oh. "In a moment, the official
presentation of the WWF Championship belt. You know, but I couldn't help
but earlier own detect, well, for the first time ever, I couldn't detect a
few, couldn't help but detect a few boos when Stone Cold Steve Austin's
name was mentioned, [the first time EVER?!?] and quite frankly...quite
frankly I don't appreciate it, but sometimes it doesn't - doesn't matter
what I really appreciate. I am perplexed, though, because at WrestleMania,
when Austin won the title, (withalittlehelpperhapsfromVinceMcMahon), you
all cheered, so I don't understand, I don't understand why you wouldn't
continue to cheer and support Stone Cold Steve Austin after all he's done
for you through the years...I...I don't understand this, I mean after all,
Austin didn't do anything that any of you don't do on a daily basis. Let's
face it - I mean, with the exception of yours truly, every single person in
this building has a boss - every single one of you. And by the way, you
suck up to your bosses every single day. Yes you do - don't tell me you
don't - you kiss your boss' ass if it's necessary - yes you do! So don't
blame Stone Cold Steve Austin for doing what each and every one of you do
every day, for doing what he had to do to become WWF
Champion. So without further ado, allow me to introduce you to Texas'
own NEW World Wrestling Federation champion, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!"
Austin does the four corner pose despite the restrained reaction. "Now
that's more like it - that's a Lone Star presentation - thank you very much
for that! Stone Cold, it give me great personal and professional pride to
present to you, the only man in the World Wrestling Federation *deserving*
to be the World Wrestling Federation champion - Stone Cold, you have won
this right." Austin takes the belt and poses on a corner. Austin swipes
the mic from McMahon. "Now that I got what I wanted from
WrestleMania...and now that I got Vince McMahon in this ring by myself...if
you want me to whip this sumbitch's ass, gimme a hell yeah. I don't think
he heard ya, gimme a hell yeah! .....
..
...
...well, it ain't gonna happen tonight. Like I'm supposed to grantcher
every single little wish. I'm supposed to let you people feed off of me,
sponge off of me like a buncha parasites, am I supposed to continue to do
that? And you know what, I look out here...and you people are just the
same as the people in the airport, and the little people at homes, watchin'
their little colour TV's thinkin' 'WHY STONE COLD WHY?' You know, when I
sit there and I said hey, how 'bout a big explanation, and a real slow one
for the people here in Texas about why I did what I did - but the way, shut
up you little (beeeeeeep) - I'll let everybody know I could whip everybody
in that stand's ass. Anyway, gettin' back to the explanation - the way...
["Rock E!"] ...oh, I'll get to the Rock in just a second. The way I got it
figured, I don't owe ya no explanation. Basically, I got it figured I
don't owe you people a damn thing. And since you wanna chant ROCKY ROCKY
ROCKY I got something to say about that too. Rock, you come out here like
some kinda bigshot tough guy and put Vince McMahon, you little mealy-mouth
(beep), you put *Mr.* McMahon in a Sharpshooter In This Very Ring - eh eh!
That's something you just don't do! So tonight, Rock, when they drop that
steel cage, don't figure on S-- don't figure on Stone Cold being the
champion for 24 hours - you can walk your little carcass out here, raise
your eyebrow as many times as you want. Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna
bounce your little candyass around that cage, lay the smack down on ya
right In This Very Ring, and basically that's all I got ta say about that."
"And that's the bottom line, 'cause Mr. McMahon SAID so!" Heyman makes
sure we all heard him say *Mr.* McMahon - hey, I PUT asterisks around it,
what more do you want? We cut from "No Chance in Hell" to see Triple H
watching this on a monitor...and shaking his head with a sneer. Vince
pauses to drink it all in at the top of the ramp. Rock is also watching a
monitor...he's none too pleased.
HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: BALD VENIS (with Steven Richards) v. KANE - Heyman
(who is "tapped into the Internet fanbase") does a hilarious impression of
Ross kissing Austin's ass - Ross says "you better know when to step off,
Jack, or you'll be back in a bingo hall - ALONE!" Venis with a can in the
back - whack - right, right, right, into the opposite corne, no Kane holds
on - Venis kicks, right, right, whip DOES work but it's reversed - Kane
puts Venis in the corner - right, right, right, right, uppercut puts him
down. Kane stands on the neck. Big clothesline. Off the ropes with an
elbowdrop. Scooped up - Venis punches to free himself - knee, knee, knee,
knee, off the ropes...and into a powerslam. 1, 2, no. Venis put in the
corner, Kane follows up with a clothesline. Sidewalk slam. Kane grabs a
trashcan lid. In comes Richards - he falls to a big boot. Lid to the head
- TIMBER! Venis has a can - can to the head! Clothesline takes Kane out,
but he lands on his feet - Venis runs the ropes and hits a baseball slide
dropkick. Kane run into the STEEL steps. Sign WHACK! Kane rolled back
in, Venis follows. Gutshot - DDT. Cover - leg is hooked - 2. Heyman says
Venis wants to win the title so the Right to Censor can retire the hardcore
championship - gooooo Venis! Choke on the second rope. Right, right,
right, right, right, Kane takes them all and throws a right of this own -
right - into the ropes, Venis ducks the clothesline, gutsthot, side Russian
legsweep...oops, forgot to take Kane with him. Right by Kane. Boot up by
Venis. Second rope clothesline finds the mark. 1, 2, Kane lifts
the shoulder. You know a REAL bad habit that Ross has slipped into lately
is he's REALLY started to enjoy saying "scoring with a..." while calling
moves. See, he's NOT scoring - this here sport isn't SCORED. "They don't
score it on points in this game, Ross." "Kane scoring with those right
hands..." NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO STOP ROSS STOP STOP
STOP STOP NO NO NO NOBODY IS SCORING WITH ANYTHING all right I'm done with
that. I'm sorry. I mean, here I was calling this match - which feels like
it's gone on for about an hour, by the way - and all of a sudden....at this
rate, I'll NEVER get this report done. Maybe it's a BAD thing that I don't
have the pressure of getting two reports done on a Monday night... Venis
runs Kane's head into the buckle. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick,
standing on the neck. Right hand...Kane absorbs it. Again, Kane's head is
rammed into the top turnbuckle. Venis positions a can between the ropes in
the corner - right, right, right, whip into the can is reversed and Venis
hits it - maybe he shouldn't have gone to the trouble... Venis slowly up
as Kane scales the corner - there's the infamous "my feet land before the
clothesline hits but I hope you don't notice" by Kane - cover - 1, 2, thank
God 3. (1:05:44, give or take an hour) Hey here come WALL BUCHANAN &
GOODFATHER - perhaps I should stop calling him Wall with no WCW...the
three-way stompfest stops as TAKER saunters down to the ring and the Fun
Brothers get to chokeslamming. Kane's music plays again - Kane sets the
ringposts ablaze, which is the cue to play "Rollin'." Taker hands Kane his
belt - and they share a moment of brotherly booyah.
Triple H is still WALKING! He catches up to Regal and asks where Vince is.
"You mean, Mr. McMahon, don't you?" "No, I mean Vince. I mean my
father-in-law. I mean the man that hid this whole...kissy thing with Stone
Cold Steve Austin from me. I mean the man that screwed me over." "Listen
to me, I don't like the tone of your voice, sunshine, so you better calm it
down a little bit." "I don't care what you like, you little limey piece of
crap. You tell me where Vince is. And if I find out you knew anything
about this, I will kick your ass. Now you tell me: where is Vince?" Regal
folds.
WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad
When we come back, Vince is fixing himself coffee....and here comes Triple
H. "Hey! You and I need to talk. What the hell's going on around here,
huh? You keep me in the dark on stuff?" "Easy.." H slaps the coffee out
of his hand. "Don't tell me easy - don't tell me easy! You're gonna keep
me in the dark on things, huh? You wanna let me not know what's going on,
when stuff like this...GOD Vince, come on! Austin! Stone Cold Steve
Austin! I spent the last year of my life kickin' his ass for ME and for
YOU and you're not gonna tell me about something like this? What the HELL
is going on?" "Look, I didn't tell you what was gonna go down at
WrestleMania simply because, at the time, I didn't feel it was any of your
business, let's face it - hang on. Stone Cold asked me for my help - you
didn't, all right? Stone Cold was a winner at WrestleMania, Triple H - and
you weren't." H messes up a catering table as Vince walks off.
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Castrol Motor Oily presents Backlash - Drive
Hard!) v. COMMISSIONER REGAL and KING KURT ANGLE (with WWF: The Music
[Volume 5] CD cover) - Regal's chest still shows signs of wear from last
night's big chops from Jericho. Regal wants to start. Feeling out process
- oh, Angle wants to start with a sneak attack, but Jericho has caught on
to that and punches him down - only to take a left from Regal. Left, left,
left, left, left, left, into the corner, elbow by Jericho - missile
dropkick from the second rope. Regal tags Angle - who runs into a hiplock.
Free shot for Regal, kick for Angle, springboard dropkick for Regal, Angle
from behind. Right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Angle goes behind but
Jericho drops down and rolls him up - then goes for the Walls of Jericho!
But Regal comes in with a kick in the face. Angle stomps, stomp, kick,
stomp, kick, kick, kick...tag, kick by Angle, kick by Regal, arm whip
takeover, stomp, arm wringer, pulling on it, one more wrenching of the arm.
European uppercut, Euro uppercut, Jericho goes down. Stomp. Stomp. Into
the corner is reversed - Regal stops himself in the corner, but bounces
back into a spinning heel kick. Chop by Jericho, chop, chop, into the
ropes is reversed - but Jericho pops Angle on the apron. Gutshot for
Regal, off the ropes with the bulldog - Lionsault ("Jericho scores with the
Lionsault" AHHHH SHUT UP ROSS) - 1, 2, Angle BARELY beats the count but
does. Jericho with a forearm shot to Angle, and goes out after him. Head
to the STEEL steps. Jericho climbs the corner - missile dropkick coming
up....oh, no, I meant to say "Angle crotches him." Regal up to the top
floor - butterfly superplex (!) "scoring for Regal." 1, 2, no!
Angle gets the tag - stomp, right, right, into the ropes, head down,
kick by Jericho, off the ropes, gutshot by Angle, Olympic Slam - Regal
wants the pin so he gets the tag - 1, 2, NO!! Too much time waving, I
guess. Regal with his patented knees to the head - Jericho puts in the
ropes, but he hits the flying jalapeno! Off the ropes, kick, off the
ropes, THIS time Angle chairs him - Regal hits the Union Jack, and that's
gonna be 3. (4:35) Angle and Regal continue to stomp on Jericho after the
bell - and now Angle puts on the Anglelock! Jericho taps (like that'll
help) but he ends up being saved by CHRIS JERICHO - OR CHRIS BENOIT - Ross
can't tell them apart, I guess. Shot for Regal...Angle clears the ring -
more shots for Regal, who decides to leave as well. Heyman says Benoit
would never save Chris Jericho - he just did it to get Angle. Just to be
sure, we watch Benoit and Jericho stare at each other uneasily for a while.
Wait....will they shake hands? Will they go at it? Jericho approaches
Benoit...no, he drops down and slips underneath the bottom rope to walk
away. Here's a replay of our finish - and subsequent save by Benoit.
Coming back live, Jericho is backing up the ramp...and Benoit's gaze isn't
leaving him.
Earlier Tonight, Shane McMahon arrived at WWF New York - lookit that eye!
TONIGHT: in a cage, it's Austin and Rock for the title!
Kane - again
Kane again - again
And now, Castrol Motor Oily presents the WWF Slam of the Week! From
WrestleMania, Edge spears a hanging in midair Jeff Hardy.
THA 1 BILLY GUNN (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover & Let Us Take You
Back to SmackDown!) v. X-PAC (with Justin Credible & Yaaaaaaaaaalbert) -
Lockup, side headlock by Gunn, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Gunn - up
and over, leapfrog by X-Pac, side Russian legsweep by Gunn, 1, 2, no. Arm
wringer...X-Pac gets to the ropes and referee "Blind" Mike Chioda forces
the break. Let's see if Gunn runs any more this match. Gutshot by X-Pac,
right, right, chop, whip is reversed (no running by Gunn), X-Pac ducks a
clothesline and gunn powerslams him. Credible on the apron - Gunn lunges
for him but he jumps back. X-Pac runs for Gunn, but he sidesteps it and
helps him over the top to the floor. Gunn out after him - head to the
barricade, rolled back in - catches Credible's superkick and shoves him off
- but that was enough distraction for X-Pac to hit a baseball slide. X-Pac
back in...then pulling aside Chioda while Credible stomps on Gunn and
throws him back in. Gunn put in the corner - right by X-Pac, right, Gunn
comes back with a right, right, right, off the ropes (hey that's running by
Gunn!) but into a spinning heel kick by X-Pac....for 2. In the corner,
X-Pac hits his kick trifecta - Gunn falls down to catch his breath while
X-Pac starts the gallop for his broncobuster...and hits it. X-Pac runs at
him again - but ends up in a tilt-a-whirl slam. Gunn with a running
clothesline, a bleep, another clothesline, X-Pac put in the corner - press
and slam, shot for Credible on the apron, Fame'Asser for 'Pac, but Albert
is in and he's hit the Baldobomb. See, Chioda is still tied up with
Credible and...well, suffice to say that X-Pac gets the cover and the 1, 2,
3, 'cause he usually doesn't job in singles matches, see. (3:05)
Post-match, Gunn is whipped (he kinda jogs) into the corner, yaaaaah
splash, then run into a double superkick from X-Pac and Justin Credible.
Play their music again! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo - replay of the splash and
the double superkick.
Earlier Tonight, Shane was gladhanding at WWF New York - we'll talk to him
later tonight (until Vince pulls the plug).
XFL on NBC hype - holy cow! The Demons on NBC? The SAN FRANCISCO
Demons? Can that be RIGHT? Surely they mean the New York/New Jersey
Hitmen, right? Not the DEMONS!
The cage is being erected! Huh huh erected
Here's some stills from DysfunctionalMania as "My Way" is played for the
third time - I think it's the third time, tonight. Heyman says Benny Hinn
is responsible for Linda McMahon rising from her wheelchair. Ross and
Heyman fail to say "Rob Van WHO?"
Going to WWF New York, where Shane points to himself with his thumbs and
says WrestleMania was awesome, but he's conflicted about beating up his
father. Crowd chants "WCW" - who'd ever think we'd hear *that?* Shane
says now that WrestleMania is over and Linda is doing okay, he's going go
to turn his attention to his business - and things will get interesting.
As for Linda, Shane hopes that next time she kicks Vince, it'll be in a
place that'll hurt even more than in his gonads - in his checkbook.
Michael King Cole stands with the Rock. "Stone Cold Steve Austin - you
don't wanna give a reason why you did what you did at WrestleMania - well
the Rock KNOWS exactly why you did what you did at WrestleMania. Because
Stone Cold, you know deep down inside, in your heart, in your soul, one in
one, face to face, man to man, you know *damn* well you can't beat the
Rock! And Stone Cold, that's something that eats you up inside - eats you
up alive! Last night at WrestleMania, the biggest of all time, the biggest
match of all time, you gave the Rock all you had, and after every
chairshot, after every Stunner, the Rock kicked out, and after every
kickout the Rock saw the panic, the desperation, the FEAR in your eyes.
And last but damn sure not least, the Rock saw a look of relief when Vince
McMahon came walkin' down that aisle. So Austin, if you got the guts, if
you got the (beep)s to meet the Rock in the ring tonight for the WWF title
- steel cage match, RAW is WAR, with the state of mind the Rock's in, the
state of mind I am in...Austin...you say you don't owe the people anything.
Well the Rock owes the People something. He owes them... wippin' your
candyass all over the Lone Star State!"
Meanwhile, Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING!
"Mick Foley: Hard Knocks and Cheap Pops" video ad
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL DOT COM v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
within the confines of the STEEL cage - Austin's introduction is by
BILLIONAIRE VINCE: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the World
Wrestling Federation champion, Stone Cold Steve Austin!" McMahon walks
down to the ring with Austin. Austin starts to enter the cage...but backs
off when Rock tries to get close. Again he tries - again Rock comes after
him, so Austin drops off to the floor - and slams the door on his head!!
Austin pulls Rock out - right, right, right, the opening bell rings even
though they're on the outside, right, Rock runs off but Austin follows -
right, right, right, right, right is blocked, Rock with a right, right,
right, double bird, right. Rock stays on him - head to the commentary
table - Rock shoves him over the top of the commentary table, spreads his
legs and karate chops what's between 'em. Rock takes Austin to the
timekeeper's table and runs him into the bell. Shot with the WWF title
belt! Austin is busted open. Rock with a right, right, right, head to the
commentary table - AGAIN he's shoved over the top. Right. Rock carries
Austin to the barricade - then rams his head into the cyclone fencing of
the cage! One more cage shot. Rock grinds Austin's face along the cage -
and now he's making coleslaw with his forehead! Rock puts Austin in
the cage - and now, two minutes after the bell, we're actually getting
underway. Referee "Blind" Tim White joins them in the ring as the door is
locked behind them. Rock stomps, stomp, stomp, Austin to the eyes. Right,
right, right, into the ropes, Rock ducks, Rock ducks again, flying
clothesline lands. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Rock whips Austin, reversed,
knee in the midsection by Austin. Right hand by Austin. Ross says it's
scoring BUT IT'S NOT Double leg by Austin - WOW catapult coming up -
Rock's head hits the top turnbuckle - ding! Spinebuster by Austin - 1, 2,
no! Austin mounts - right, right, right, right, right, right, stomp right
on the People's Jimmy. Austin asks for a chair - and Vince brings one in.
Oh, I guess tha door ISN'T locked. Austin with the point of the edge of
the chair to Rock's sternum - and again! Austin winds up one more
time...but Rock takes him down with a double leg and slips on the
Sharpshooter!! Austin quickly (frantically?) crawls to the rope but Rock
pulls him back to the centre before he gets there! Worse, McMahon is up on
the apron drawing White's attention! Austin is actually *tapping* (I hope
Teddy Long doesn't see that out on the floor) but White is still talking
with McMahon. Finally, Rock releases the hold, walks over to White and
tells him to stop jawing with McMahon. Austin tries to get him from
behind, but ends up in the spinebuster. Rock tosses the elbowpad over the
cage (nice) and hits the People's Elbow! 1, 2, McMahon pulls White out,
holding his arm and preventing the third count the whole way. Rock gets
bleeped shouting out to both men. McMahon giving White what for - WHITE
JUST SHOVED HIM!! White back in the ring - Rock is poised for it - Austin
up and woozy - staggering - turning round - ROCK BOTTOM!! 1, 2, McMAHON
WITH A DOUBLE SLEDGE IN WHITE'S BACK!!! (Well, his arm DID fall a third
time...) McMahon is barking to an unconscious zebra - Rock catches up to
McMahon and rams him headfirst into the cage - and Rock bolts the door!
Rock flies onto McMahon and takes him down - peppering him with right
hands, double birds, setting up for Rock Bottom...but Austin is up from
behind with an uppernut! Austin with an elbow to the back of the head,
stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp
stomp stomp stomp - meanwhile, McMahon has decked White and now HE is
stomping away on Rock. Austin knees Rock right in the groin. Elbowdrop by
Austin, stomp, stomp - what? THE NEW MAN runs out to the ring with his
sledgehammer, gets in the ring...shoves McMahon aside and stares down
Austin - neither man is averting their eyes - NOOOOO Triple H just gave the
Rock the sledgehammer! Austin smiles as Triple H repeatedly drives the
sledgehammer head into Rock's chest - Austin stomps on his head - and
McMahon holds back the referee. Rock is run headfirst into the cage -
gutshot - Pedigree - Austin off the ropes with the Up Yours Elbow - Triple
H with the kneedrop off the ropes - Austin and Triple H chatting about what
to do next - H removes his shirt and lifts up Rock for Austin's double bird
and KICK WHAM STUNNER. Both men drop down and address Rock at close range.
Austin calls for his beer and gets three - McMahon stomps on the Rock - one
last sledgehammer shot by Triple H - a beer for each of the three men - a
smile on Austin's face - a toast - "Step Up" plays - and all three men
raise arms.
(No contest? Around 11)
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net