SPELLING IT OUT: One of the advantages that you and I have, with our
long-term relationship of (alleged) writer and (alleged) reader, is the
longer back we go, the less I have to actually SAY because you can
actually pick up my vibe and know what I mean, how I FEEL *without* me
having to actually come out and be obvious and all that shit.
Nonetheless, I'm not the WWF and I can't take for granted that I'll never
pick up a new reader who doesn't have the advantage of the die-hard,
hardcore whatever huh. So let me come out and say what I've pretty much
been hinting at:
I'm not happy, not happy at all with the way that these past few months
have played out. The time between Royal Rumble and WrestleMania is
supposed to be the high mark of my year - the slow, steady builds that
lead to a crescendo of can't miss, must see matchups that actually make us
QUIVER with anticipation because that magical Sunday night CAN'T come soon
enough! I'm talking about WRESTLEMANIATILDEBANG You know it!
But, I mean DAMN. It just hasn't happened. These shows have been BAD,
people. SmackDown! was a big steaming pile of suckitude that had ONE
thing going for it - Undertaker - and you can damn well bet that THAT
ain't enough to bring the entire show up from the bottom.
And you know, it's not even that - one show is tolerable. Hey, everybody
has an off night now and again. But lately....well, it's been that we've
been lucky if they'd had an ON night now and again. Lately, they've
seemed to occur further and further apart - all this DESPITE bringing in
what we'd normally dub "can't miss" elements with astonishingly
regularity...and then just as astonishingly finding the worst ways
possible to intergrate those elements into the swampy crud that's been the
Neighbourhood of Make Believe known as the WWF.
And therein lies the problem. When it becomes a trends - show after show
after show of "eh" AT BEST? The way these shows have been going...it's
all been a cumulative effect on my psyche - maybe yours, too, but I don't
want to speak for you - and I've just been getting more and more
nonplussed with each passing show. The resonance just isn't there like it
should be. It's not *singing* to me.
We're coming up on the biggest event OF THE YEAR, people! Is there
ANYTHING on this card - what little we know of it at even this late date -
that gets you HALF as excited as Austin/Rock did last year? A THIRD as
excited? A TENTH?
Rock/Hogan is a great IDEA to love...but I'd be lying if I said I didn't
have my doubts about that idea being moved from "in theory" to "in
practice." Don't get me wrong - I said as recently as a couple years ago
that I thought Hogan had a four snowflake match in him, but I was talking
then about his opponent being Bret Hart...not the Rock.
Triple H/Jericho might as well be "Triple H puts the Pedigree on
Stephanie" because there hasn't been SHIT done to get ANYBODY excited
about this Championship match. Triple H has been so busy preoccupying
himself with People He's Sleeping With (Well That's What I Hear) that he's
forgotten to remember to put over the fact that he lives and dies by the
World Wrestling Federation championship - but hey, who can blame him,
since Austin used to say the very same things and what's HE done about the
title lately?
Instead, Austin's concerned with Scott Hall - they've been so busy
concerning themselves with Who Has The Cooler Props that we can only hope
they remember how to take it to the mat on Sunday. Normally, I'd be
thinking this is a great matchup on paper, but the problem with that is
somehow Kevin Nash has to be involved...
Undertaker/Flair has had the best buildup, but the problem is it's so hard
to look forward to the actual match - Taker's still working with a bad
hip, and Flair's could break at any moment. And I love BOTH of these
guys, and I hate to be pessimistic, but I have been dragged down by a
month of "not great" shows, and it's really worn me down.
And hey, last year we at least had a Gimmick Battle Royale With Cheese to
look forward too. Don't underestimate the effect that had on raising our
excitement while simultaneously lowering our expectations - both of those
in combination are just what the doctor ordered to help make the eventual
show seem that much better in retrospect.
By now I've devolved into gibberish, so let me wrap it up and get to
tonight's 128. You know me - you KNOW me - or at least You Think You Know
Me. I'm the biased bastard who unflailingly and unflinchingly praises
EVERYTHING the WWF has EVER done, right? Remember that? So If *I* tell
you I'm not happy.....shit, isn't it REALLY time to start worrying?
TONIGHT: WrestleMania is six days away - heeeey that's not tonight!
That's later! But aha, Stone Cold & The Rock vs. The N.W.O IS tonight -
so get excited! Or, at least, as excited as you CAN be...
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 15.40 (+ 1.04, last year: 11.93, two years ago: 13 3/8) -
well, SOMEBODY thinks this thing's making money...shows what *I* know,
huh?
T(O)N(I)G(HT): "Ensign Ro" - wellll it was PRETTY good, but a lot of the
introductory stuff and plotpoints for the Bajora(ns) was later completely
counteracted and/or forgotten in later episodes...not to mention by "Deep
Space Nine," so instead I'll just say WOW MICHELLE FORBES sure is kinda
hot kinda
kinda rarrrrrrr
yeah
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - CC - WWF!
Opening Credits
PYRO! But no music - oh there it is. Ooh also a brief look at the Chef
Boyardee Replay - well ain't *this* an auspicious beginning. Coming to
you LIVE from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI 11.3.2 - 16,567 in the
house, a couple hundred in WWF New York, TNN and TSN on the teevee screen
(transmitido en espanol SAP), you and me on your favourite website and who
could ask for more? Well.....me. And you, too. But let's not whine
about what we DON'T have...I did that already up there at the top
TONIGHT: Stone Cold & the Rock vs. the NWO in a Handicap match!
ROB VAN DAM and HARDY BOYZ (with WrestleMania graphic: 4 corner tag team
championship elimination match!) v. DUDLEY BOYZ and WILLIAM REGAL (with
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) - New match for WrestleMania - Hardy
Boyz vs. APA vs. Billy & Chuck vs. Dudley Boyz in a four corner
elimination match for the tag team titles! Snap judgement: that should be
okay. Stacy and Lita aren't around for this match as we'll see them later
tonight in a Divas tag. Whoopee! Lawler points out that Regal's
interference in Thursday's hardcore title match was completely legal, so
what's the big deal? Hey, good point. van Dam decides a pescado is in
order, and lands on Regal...but the Dudleyz quickly turn it around with a
double team. All six men outside - Katie, bar the door, it's DAMN smoky
in here. The bell rings to start the match after Regal puts van Dam into
the ring - several southpaw forearms as he takes him to a corner.
Opposite corner whip is reversed, van Dam with a tumbling run monkey flip.
Rolling Thunder off the ropes gets him 2. Forearm, forearm, forearm,
Regal with a knee, then a knee off the ropes. "RVD" chant. Tag to Bubba,
held open for the right - forearm in the back by Dudley puts van Dam down.
Open handed slap, right, into the ropes, van Dam ducks the clothesline -
Dudley ducks the roundhouse kick, but not the reverse leg sweep - tag to
Jeff - Jeff with a dropkick. Right, right, right, climbs up top for a Ten
Punch Count Along and gets seven before Regal runs the apron - Jeff with a
leap from the second rope to head him off, and Regal falls to the floor.
Meanwhile, D-Von is going for a table - so Jeff dropkicks the table into
HIS face! Off the ropes...but Bubba drops down and puts him over the top
to the floor (kinda). Geez soooooo much smoke. Bubba gives van Dam and
Matt free shots, then argues with referee "Blind" Mike Chioda while Regal
works over Jeff on the outside - then feeds him back to Bubba.
Scoop..and a slam - free shot for van Dam to bring him in, distracting
Chioda while D-Von lands the headbutt to the graun. D-Von stays in
without a tag. Crowd chants "We want tables" because the heels...wait a
minute. The crowd's STUPID! D-Von right hand. Right, right, right,
right, right, right, Chioda pulls him off. Into the opposite corner, but
Jeff stairsteps up and hits the corkscrew moonsault (which GOOD OL' JR
calls the "Lita and Stacy aren't at ringside"). Both men are down. At 3,
D-Von tags Regal - and Jeff tags Matt! Matt with a clothesline,
clothesline, ducks Bubba's charge, gutshot, DDT - free shots for D-Von -
right for Regal - whip into the corner - Jeff in with Poetry in Motion!
Matt with the Side Whatever He Called It Last Week on SmackDown! (GOOD OL'
JR: "takedown") for 2 - D-Von saves. All six men in again - kick for
D-Von, kicks Bubba to the outside and follows - Matt and Regal (the legal
men) also go out. Jeff and D-Von trading blows on the inside - whip is
reversed and Bubba is back in to give Jeff 3D - Matt quickly gives D-Von a
Twist of Fate - but Bubba is in to give HIM a big clothesline. Matt put
into the ropes, where van Dam makes a blind tag - Bubbabomb for Hardy, but
van Dam is off the top with the kick - Regal back in, HE gets a spinning
roundhouse - van Dam vaults up for the Fivestar and golly, Regal IS the
legal man, isn't he? 1, 2, 3, van Dam just pinned the champ. (3:53)
Give it a replay - two angles. Crowd chants "RVD" while Regal makes a
face.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY - big news! There was an
"Emergency Board Meeting" at the WWF World Headquarters! Fortunately, as
we all know, nothing's EVER done around these parts without a WWF
cameraman present...
EARLIER TONIGHT: we took a look at the WWF Headquarters in Stamford, CT
Inside, we have a camera on Vince at one end of a long table - and a
camera on Ric at the other. Hoo boy, it's gona be one o' them DRAMATIC
things, isn't it. A table has fourteen other exec types (including Linda)
around it - and back against another wall are three more people (hey,
Kerwin Silfes!). Vince talks "I'd like to bring this emergency session of
the board of directors to order, please. Quite frankly (1), in my view,
that's exactly where the status of our company is - in a state of
emergency...due to (points) THAT MAN right there. Ever since Mr. Flair
'acquired' his 50% ownership of this company, I think you all as the board
of directors will agree that our company has been like a ship without a
rudder - still very much afloat. Me (Vince McMahon) with proven
leadership wanting to take the ship in one direction, that man (Ric Flair)
wanting to take it in another. So tonight, I'm asking for all of you to
do the right thing - not for me, not for Mr. Flair...but tonight you must
choose. You must choose which direction this company is going to go, and
more importantly, who is going to lead this company. I intend to prove
tonight - I intend to prove that this man is not in the right emotional
state of mind to lead this company. I intend to prove to all of you and I
am asking for a unanimous vote that one of us must lead this company - one
of us - either Ric Flair or Vince McMahon must have absolute authority and
power. That's the quest before this august group of board of directors
tonight."
Oh man, and I bet they're going to drag this out ALL night...
"WWF Flashback: WrestleMania's Greatest Hits" ad - it's tomorrow on TNN!
Remember, TNN stands for THE NEW TNN!
The Boot of the Week is brought to you by LUGZ! From SmackDown!, Kurt
Angle interferes in Kane's match with Chris Jericho - then ambushes him in
the parking garage a bit later.
While Kane is "not scheduled to be here" as a result of the injuries
sustained on SmackDown!, apparently KURT
ANGLE *is* scheduled to be here, because here he comes to share a few
words with us. But first, an extended "You suck" chant from the crowd
which Angle regards with great disgust. "I would like to take this time
to talk about something that you people in this city are very familiar
with...crime. And no, I'm not talking about carjacking or mugging or
whatever it is you idiots do here in Detroit...what I'm talking about is
something even more important - ROBBERY. Specifically, my bein' robbed of
my WrestleMania title shot. You see, two weeks ago on RAW, I had Chris
Jericho right where I wanted him - I was about to win the WWF title for
the third time - when that big burnt moron Kane had to interfere and cost
me my title shot. Now Kane, who the hell do you think you are? But I
guess you experienced firsthand, last week on SmackDown!, how I treat
people who cost me WrestleMania title shots. You see Kane, you cal
yourself 'the Big Red Machine.' Well I want you to meet the Big Red, White
and Blue Machine, pal! And you think that chairshot to the head last week
on SmackDown! was bad? You ain't seen' NOTHIN' yet, pal! Because I
talked to Mr. McMahon, and with his approval...at WrestleMania...I'll be
facing you, Kane. And I'll make that whole childhood burning thing seem
like a paper cut! ["Ass hole!"] Now Kane, I realise it's not your
complete whole fault that I'm not wrestling for the title at WrestleMania
- there is ANOTHER reason, and the *other* reason is...the utter stupidity
of the WWF fans. Oh yeah, you people are idiots, you're dummies, oh it's
true, it's damn true. You see, every time I walk out here, and my music
is playing, YOU people, you idiots are chanting 'You suck!' Stop it, cut
it out! CUT IT OUT! You people are freakin' morons! You're idiots,
you're pathetic! Would someone PLEASE, anyone tell me how the WWF fans
got so freakin' stupid!" You know, these lines...never mind. (That was
me being subtle again, in case you need me to point it out to you, ah ha
ha.) At this point, BOOKER TIO interrupts. Huh? "Listen up! This has
gone on long enough. I'm sick and tired of you coming out here running
off at the motuh, telling these people they're stupid! You're about - you
piss(beep)ing me off. I see these people in the arena...ain't 'nam one of
'em stupid. You see, these people in this arena right here...they're
BEYOND stupid. They're brain dead! See, THEY'RE the reason I lost my
Japanese endorsement deal...let alone a title shot. Don't you people get
it? This is my first WrestleMania - and I ain't got no title shot!
Hell, ain't even got the (I have no idea - "pr---"?) That ain't right,
man - that ain't right!" "You damn skippy it ain't right, homie. I mean,
what in the dealio, people?" Before we can bask in the glow of Angle
continuing to talk "street," KING EDGE makes HIS entrance. "Booker -
Booker, Booker. I can't believe you're out here complaining about not
having a title shot at WrestleMania. I mean, didn't you hear? You
already HAVE a title - you're officially the dumbest man in the entire
company." "You didn't say that - tell me you didn't just say that! Yo
yo, I've watched the Weakest Link last night, and oh yeah - you're the
dumb one - YOUR ass was voted out first - now can you dig that?" "Yeah,
you know, Booker, I thought you would bring that up, and yeah, I was voted
off first, but...I got a grand total of one question wrong, and...I got a
little question, I mean... How did YOU do when you were on there?" "I
don't remember." "You don't remember, well let me refresh your memory
because I have a little surprise for you - can we please roll the footage
of Booker T on the Weakest Link?" (Courtesy: Weakest Link Productions,
Inc. & BBC - T misses many questions) "I find it strange that someone
with the word 'book' in his name has apparently never read one. Hehehe,
but hey Booker Man, cheer up. You may not have a title shot at
WrestleMania, but if you want an opponent, you're lookin' at him. Now can
you dig that, sucka?" "You damn straight I can dig that!" "Yeah, crisp
and clean with no caffeine, bro." "What the hell was THAT? Do you not
realise what all these Edgeheads know? You're not the Red, White and Blue
Machine...you're just really, really...white! Quit tryin' to be cool,
it's just not your thing!" "Whoa whoa whoa - it's not me? Well hold on a
second, pal - 'cool' is my middle name. I have more soul in this little
pinky finger than this entire arena combined! Check this out!" Angle
puts the mic down and asks T to give him some more room - drops down and
shakes his hand...then drops down for a...well...let's call it some "stop
and start" breakdancing. T fights back laughter while trying to be
encouraging. Edge laughs. "Detroit, we just witnessed the first ever
Dorkaroonie - that was brutal!" "What a minute, what are you, jealous?
Book my man, I know you can beat this chump at WrestleMania...but how
about we do a little practice start tonight? Whaddayasay you and I tag
team together against this idiot and whoever he chooses - whaddaya say?"
"You know I can dig THAT - whaddaya say, Edge? You find a partner - one
Kurt hasn't bashed in the head with a chair..." "Oh, it's true." "To
quote you, Booker, oui oui. And although Kane isn't here tonight, I'm
sure I can find someone to team with. In the meantime, I'd like to cue up
Kurt Angle's music so we can all practice our 'you sucks.' Thank you very
much." You know, it's funny - the word "brutal" actually came to my mind
more than once during this segment. Well, there's two MORE matches just
made for WrestleMania (which is six days away)...
Tough Enough 2 ad
Catch the WWF live! Tomorrow, Cleveland! Sunday is WrestleMania in
Toronto and it's SOOOOOOLD OUT! Monday is RAW in Montreal, also sold out
- and Tuesday is Ottawa!
Hey, look, it's a dog - and she's talking to Lucy! "You know what, Lucy?
You are the ugliest, smelliest, fattest dog I've ever seen in my life!
You're not even like a dog - you're like, like a little pig - farting all
the time, snorting all the time. You know I hope you liked being in that
cage today in that airplane, Lucy, 'cause you're gonna be spending the
rest of your life in a cage. You know what else? Your daddy - he might
love you - but I HATE you. Ohhh..." "Lucy!" Here's Triple H - he shoves
her away and grabs the dog. "Speak of the devil..." "Hey! How's my baby
girl? How's my baby girl? Did you miss your daddy? Huh? Oh, you did
miss your daddy, of course you missed your daddy - I missed you too.
Steph, I tell you what. We've done some horrible stuff to each other."
"Like my 'Vette?" "Well...sorry 'bout that. Thanks for bringing my dog -
I appreciate it." He tries to walk off but Stephanie grabs the leash and
pulls him back. "Oh, Hunter...I'm sorry, but Lucy's not YOUR dog
anymore." "What are you talking about?" "According to this court order,
Lucy is mine." Stephanie produces a piece of paper helpfully marked
"Court Order" for the slower amongst us. "You see, I went to the judge
and I told him how you beat Lucy, how you don't feed her, you mistreat
her--" "Whaaat?" "--so the judge issued Lucy to me, until the divorce
proceedings are final. So tell me something, Hunter...who's the BITCH
now?" "Well if that's the way it's gotta be." "Oh, that's the way it
is." "Tell you what, Steph." "What?" "I'm warning you. Do not screw
with my dog." "Or what?" "Try me. Here." "No, no!!" He puts the dog
in her arms, and she collapses back onto the sofa. "You know what?
You're right - whoo - she does stink. Doesn't she, Lucy?" "You know,
Lucy...your daddy's just jealous because he's no longer the WWF Champion,
but I'm gonna introduce you to a real man, a real champion, the Undisputed
champion, who hates dogs even more than I do." Oh oh, next you'll tell me
Jericho hates babies, too! We zoom in on the dog
RIKASHMONEY (with "Flashback: WrestleMania's Greatest Hits" hype) v. THE
NARCISSIteST (with Let Us Take You Back to Heat) - This match was set up
when Test interfered during 'kishi's match with Mr. Perfect last night.
Sign in crowd: RIKISHI ATE MY NACHOS Here we go: 'kishi ducks a
clothesline, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Test right,
right, right, into the corner, follow clothesline, into the opposite
corner, follow clothesline, kick, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck
until referee "Blind" Teddy Long pulls him away. Whip into the ropes is
reversed, 'kishi wants the BELLY-to-belly but Test hits the bell clap to
release the waistlock - 'kishi ducks the big boot and hits the
RIKISHIKICK...then Test staggers into a Samoan Drop. He's warming it up -
off the ropes, off the other ropes - EARTHQUAKE! Test makes his way to
the corner as 'kishi slaps his rump again - fat ass splash in the corner.
Test dutifully flumps down...but before he can follow the formula MR.
PERFECT is out and up on the apron...'kishi meets him with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," brings him in the hard way, right,
into the ropes, right hand puts him up and over and onto the floor...but
then 'kishi turns back to eat the Wotsitolla Boot - and Test gets the easy
1, 2, 3. (1:58)
Short version: Stephanie, Jericho, dog poop, FUHFUHWID
Long version: "Get DOWN. Get off of this sofa, go, get off, Lucy! Just
in the nick of time." "What is THAT?" "This is Triple H's dog..." "It
reeks!" "...and I want it off this sofa. Get it off, Jericho, get it off
now! Hurry! Get that thing off my couch!" "It smells!" "That's fine
Italian leather!" "Ow, my hands just reek now, it's terrible!" "I reek
too, you know what? It was all worth it, because the look on Triple H's
face when I showed him that court order - he was so MAD - 'don't hurt my
dog!'" "You know what you're doin'? You're screwin' with his mind right
before WrestleMania - that's a great idea." "Oh yeah. We're right
there." "And speaking of WrestleMania...you're not bringing Lucy to
WrestleMania, are you?" "Well, I was thinking maybe she could (sniff) be
in your corner...I mean, like a, (sniff) like a mascot." "(sniff) That's
not a - what is that smell? It's not the dog, it's..." "It sorta smells
like, uh..." "Oh, n--" They look down. Several pieces of chocolate have
appeared. "Oh, no." "It's disgusting - it's right in the middle of your
office, too, it's..." "It pooped!" "It's filthy!" "Oh, ew, oh the leash
is all dragging in it! Jericho, here - here." "You're crazy!" "Take her
for a walk!" "No!" "C'mere, take her, take her for a walk!" "Oh,
disgusting!" "Go! Get her outta here and get someone to clean up this
mess. I can't believe it, go! Go now!" "I'm a champion!" "I know!" "I
hate dogs!" "Ewwwww - ewww it smells."
Go ahead, read my mind. It's probably funnier that way
Wanna get a Rock/Hogan poster, T-shirt and program? Buddy, you best visit
the Shop Zone STAT
Drowning Pool CD cover - "Tear Away" is a WrestleMania theme and don't
forget you'll see them perform at WrestleMania
Visit wwf.com to register for the streaming video! Look at those pictures
of Rock and Hogan! Rock and Hogan! Rock and Hogan!
Here's a look at the Joe Louis Arena - where it's ALWAYS Miller time
To the outside we go - those cameras are EVERYWHERE! "C'mon, Lucy - I'll
take you for a walk. It's FREEZING out here - I am a living legend, and I
have to come out here in this cold and take Triple H's dog for a walk -
the Game's dog for a walk. You know what, Lucy? You like games? You
like poopin' on the floor? You like smelling? You like playing games?
You know what? I like playing games too. Yeah. And here's a game I like
to call 'I'm gonna tie you to this door handle and leave you out here in
the cold.' Do you like that game - LUCY?"
To the catering table, where Page is chatting up a PA. "Bro, what you
really need to do is take some of these carrots - great for energy, and
makes a great juice." Christian appears behind him and flashes HIS smile.
"Hi! Nice headset." "I gotta go." "Dude, this isn't working, I'm just
not a positive person." "Bro, bro, you're doin' fine - you just gotta be
more...natural." "Natural?" "Yeah. Let's work on your smiling
techniques." "Better." Well here come Billy & Chuck. "Whoa! What are
you two doing? Two grown men staring...smiling at each other? You know
what that means!" (together) "Those kinda people." "What do you mean,
'those kinda people?'" "You know...losers." "Losers?" "DDP, when are
you gonna learn - this guy hasn't won a singles match in forever and never
will, and the last thing a loser like him needs is a bigger loser like you
leadin' the way--" "HEY! I'm not a loser! I am not a loser, and I'm
gonna prove it. You know something, DDP? I think I'm ready to snap this
losing streak tonight...and I can't think of a better opponent than
Precious over here." "Who you callin' Precious?" "Who? Lemme see...the
guy who was once called the Ass Man." "OHhhhhh hoo hoo hoo!" Chuck
checks to see that Billy does indeed possess an ass while Billy says "I
don't know what you're trying to imply, but I don't like it. You want
some of this, you got it. I'll see you in the ring, Christian." "Yeah,
and once you lose, why don't you go ahead and throw one of those...hissy
fits, I mean, that IS what you do best, isn't it?" They walk off while
Page holds him back. "...stay focused, okay? I know you can beat that
chump tonight...and then you'll be back on your winning ways. And let's
just say, that's not a bad thing...that's a good thing."
Back to the emergency meeting. "As you deliberate here tonight, you can
either give me (Vince McMahon) your vote of confidence, or Ric Flair. As
you deliberate, I would like you to consider this embarrassing piece of
footage, and I know it will be difficult for many of you to watch this
over again - nonetheless, this was last Thursday night."
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Flair took it to the Undertaker -
and, unwittingly, to a front row fan. Later, he was arrested.
A general murmuring fills the room - we cut between shots of Flair and
Vince and Flair and....take an ad break? Lawler says "embarrassing" a lot
but I don't he's talking about the same thing I'm thinking about
Tough Enough on video ad
And now, a WrestleMania moment, presented by Sour Skittles! From
WrestleMania XIII, Undertaker pins Sycho Sid to regain the World Wrestling
Federation championship. Vince: "The dark days of the WWF have begun!"
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: GOLDUST (already in the ring) v. AL SNOW -
Goldust tries to start early, throwing a golden trashcan at Snow, who
manages to duck - Goldust meets him on the floor, right by Snow, right,
kick, uppercut, uppercut, uppercut, into the ring we go. Goldust with a
golden trashcan lid WHACK to the head. Head to the buckle. Goldust with
an uppercut. Right hand. Into the opposite corner (where it looks like
several turnbuckle covers have been removed - but nobody notices).
Goldust sets up Snow's legs, then slaps him one. Winds up for the
Shattered Dreams...but Snow manages to sit up and avoid the kick - big
squirt with the golden fire extinguisher! And there's the Snow Plow on
the trashcan! (GOOD OL' JR: "Brainbuster!" Jesus CHRIST Ross, it's only
his FUCKING FINISHER) 1, 2, 3 - ladies and gentlemen, we have a new
hardcore champion. (1:02) Yikes, these short match times remind me of -
of - dare I say it - "Crash TV"
Back outside, where we take a look at Lucy. Jericho is outside and
talking to Stephanie on a cel phone - I guess because he's afraid to go
back in a smelly office? Anyway, she asks if he can go get some air
freshener. The chauffer says he can take him to an "all night store" -
Jericho says "Junior" a lot and tells him to step on it...of course, he
doesn't know Lucy is tied to the door - the limousine backs up over a
speed bump and we hear some pained barking. He stops. "I think we just
hit something!" Jericho leaves the limo making a funny face. "You're
damn right that YOU just hit something. You better check out the mess you
made...you're in big trouble, Junior."
Big Show shills Stacker 2
When we come back, Triple H happens to happen by and find the chauffer
looking under the limo. "There's a dog stuck under the car - she's still
alive but it's hurt!" "LUCY! Get help, you idiot. Jesus. Lucy, hold
on, hold on, girl, okay? Somebody'll come right out, hold on. Get help!
Dammit. Hold on, girl." What was it that Jon Lovitz always said?
"ACTING!"
KURT
ANGLE (with RAW credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC
boxes) and BOOKER TIO (with "Fame for 15 Marathon" on TNN hype) v. KING
EDGE and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - Wow, I could have *sworn* it'd been
Kane, but in retrospect, if Kane's not around who ELSE could it be? We
are told that Triple H is outta here, taking Lucy to the trauma center or
something. Show and T start. T ducks the swing, gutshot, right, right,
forearm, forearm, whip is reversed into a big short clothesline. T sent
into the corner, but he gets the boots up. Body shot by T, and a tag to
Angle. Doubleteam punching, into the ropes, but Show hits a big double
clothesline! Angle put into the corner hard. Well it's the big
scoop...overhead press...and drop. Well it's the big slap in the corner.
Well it's the big headbutt. Show tosses Angle by his neck across the
ring. The fog (from Show's pyro) has rolled in once again tonight. Well
it's the big headbutt. Shoved into the corner, well it's the big knee.
Scooped up on the shoulder, but Angle (listen to him giving directions!)
breaks free and shoves Show into the corner sternum first. Angle takes
advantage with a chop block...to the Anglelock! But Show manages to roll
onto his back and kick Angle to the ropes and over to the floor. Here
comes T - Show blocks HIS punch and puts HIM over the top to the floor.
Edge climbs up on Show's shoulders and plummets to the floor onto the
pile! Guess that was a tag - Angle put back in - Angle runs in and falls
to the half nelson faceplant - 1, 2, no. Sour Skittles provides the
Replay. Angle goes to the eyes, then whips him into the unfriendly
corner. Edge gets the boots up, so T pulls him back to the mat. Angle
with a German suplex. Tag to T. Head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick,
kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, referee "Blind" Tim White tries to pull him
off but T SNAPS a backhand that accidentally connects - OMG T JUST BROKE
TIM WHITE'S NOSE!!! Edge put into the ropes - Edge ducks, then hits the
Viscera kick off the ropes. Both men are down and the count is on - Show
leading the claps as Angle is tagged - WELL IT'S THE BIG TAG!
Clothesline by Show, clothesline, into the ropes, big boot, big boot for
T, choke for Angle, choke for T...double gutshot to break it - they want a
double suplex but Show reverses (listen for the "ready - go") DOUBLE
SUPLEX of his own! Edge in with a clothesline for Angle - and one that
puts T on the floor. Gutshot for Angle - wants the Edgecution (GOOD OL'
JR: "Impaler") but Angle laces the leg to block it - then dumps Edge over
the top rope to the floor. Angle turns back and ends up in the
choke...but T is in with the Harlem sidekick to break it up (GOOD OL' JR:
"scissors kick") Edge is back in with the spear, but Angle is busy with
the OLYMPIC SLAM ON THE BIG SHOW!!! Angle puts on the Anglelock...and
THIS time, Show taps. (4:40) White takes off like a shot post-match,
presumably to get his broken nose checked. Replays of the Olympic
Slam..and the anklelock.
In the office, Stephanie is aghast...I guess she was watching on a
monitor. Or has the ability to READ MINDS. Jericho meets up with her
again. "Stephanie, Stephanie..." "Jericho, did you understand what you
did?" "Listen, it was that limo driver, he couldn't drive--" "I don't
care, you ran over Lucy, you ran over Lucy, that's...Triple H is gonna
KILL me. You don't understand how much Hunter loves that dog, that dog
means the world to Hunter, oh my God...I'm dead in the water!" "Hold on,
hold on. Relax, relax, relax, relax." "I CAN'T relax!" "Relax. If
Triple H dares to come back here, I've got a little something in store for
him. Let me take care of it...okay? Sit down, let me tell you about it.
Just relax! Relax." "It better be good." "It's good..." ...and then -
well, shit, the camera fades out just when it gets to Jericho sharing his
plan. Damn that director!
TONIGHT: Stone Cold & The Rock vs. the N.W.O.! Handicap match! Yes!
WrestleMania ad - no, wait - they cut it to show a "Flashback" ad instead
"WWF Divas: Sex on the Beach" spot
It's Times Square!
Inside are TORRIE, JACQUELINE and TERRI, who come out and slut it up on
the stage. A shocking coincidence indeed!
BANDANA BOY BILLY (with Bandana Boy Chuck) v. POSITIVELY CHRISTIAN (with
Diamond Dallas Page's music - and Diamond Dallas Page) - I am EXTREMELY
disappointed that Billy & Chuck walked out in cowboy hats last night on
Heat and not ONE "Smokin' Gunn" joke was made. Page joins the
commentators and let's just ignore that. Chuck tries to grab Christian's
ankles, which turns him around long enough for Billy to grab the early
advantage - right, right, right, right, right. Into the ropes, Christian
ducks, head down, Christian kicks - Christian right, right, right, but
runs into a REALLY fast tilt-a-whirl slam. 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle
by Billy - right, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, shoving
away referee "Blind" Nick Patrick who wants it out of the corner.
Opposite corner whip - big splash in the corner - gutshot - and
jackhammer. Billy dares him to get up so he can give him the
Fame-Ass'er...but Christian slips out of the ring instead...then goes to
work on a temper tantrum. Page leaves the commentators and joins
Christian to calm him down with some cleansing breaths. Patrick goes
outside to break up this confab - and while putting Page away, Chuck comes
in with a clothesline on the floor, then throws him in to Billy for the
Fame-Ass'er - now with Patrick tending to Chuck, *Page* comes into the
ring and gives Billy the Diamond Cutter! And the best part is that
SOMEHOW, Patrick completely fails to see this up on the GIANT video
screen! Christian drapes an arm over him - 1, 2, 3. (Strictly for the
2:09) At least they play Christian's music THIS time. Page is in to say
"Bro, you won" a lot - Christian's celebration resembles to a *happy*
temper tantrum. Christian then gives Page a slop drop, mounts him and
flails away with rights, lefts, rights, stomps, forearms in the back, and
climaxes with a Tomokaze. Why? Nobody knows. Christian yells "I'm a
winner!" several times - maybe this is his Owen Hart impersonation?
Back to the Emergency Board Meeting. "How embarrassing. Each and every
one of you must be humiliated. You must be so embarrassed over the
actions of the co-owner, Ric Flair. It's one thing to attack a WWF
superstar...it's another thing to attack a fan. I mean, so consumed with
your personal agenda that you don't give a damn and you go into the
audience and attack a fan, and then beyond that, you're taken away in
handcuffs. You're taken down to the precinct. You're fingerprinted!
That wasn't just that man that was taken to the precinct, it was each and
every one of you. Ric Flair doesn't give a damn about anybody in this
room - he doesn't give a damn about what that WWF logo stands for. Ric
Flair cares about one thing and one thing only, and that's himself and his
personal agenda...and this isn't the first time we've seen it. I'll
remind you of the Royal Rumble, when Ric Flair forced ME into a match.
And humiliated me. But this isn't about me - it's not about Flair, it's
about each and every one of you doing the right thing. There needs to be
a vote of confidence here tonight. One person - and one person only - is
capable of leading this company. And I'm asking...for that vote of
confidence for all the right reasons." Linda: "Well, it's very apparent
this board has some deliberating to do. We need to adjourn to a private
area, where we can discuss this, and make what is a very important
decision with far-reaching effects." Vince makes a face.
UP NEXT: Lita & Trish vs. Jazz & Stacy! PUPPIES
Big Show shills Stacker 2
Another gander at the Saliva CD cover - "Superstar" being a WM theme - and
Saliva being another live performer on Sunday
The graphic don't lie: it's Lita vs. Jazz vs. Trish in a Triple Threat for
the WWF Women's Championship!
CHEATA
and TRISH
STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (with RAW is brought to you by Roadrunner
Records' "Resident Evil" soundtrack, "National Lampoon's Van Wilder," and
Snickers!) v. STACY
DUDLEY and JAZZZZZZ (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) - GOOD
OL' JR pronounces Lita "full of energy. Multi-orgasmic, if you will, in a
cosmic sort of way." SEND HIM TO THE GLUE FACTORY ALREADY Hey, I think
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this match takes about half
as long as all these entrances, ads and clips. They rush the ring - Jazz
with a spinning sidewalk slam on Trish, and she and Stacy get to stomping
while referee "Blind" Jack Doan puts Lita in her corner. Stacy put in her
corner. Ross would rather tell us Lucy has a broken leg than call this
match - actually, that might be the best choice. Trish with a forearm,
Jazz with a right. Trish put into the ropes, BIG back body drop. Trish
backs to her corner and Lita tags herself in - lockup, side headlock by
Jazz - Lita elbows out, shoves her into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam, 2.
Forearm, into the ropes, head down, kick by Jazz. Right by Lita, but runs
into a hot shot. Double chickenwing...but drops her before she gives up.
Tag to Stacy. Kick, kick, kick, kick, stands on the neck to get all the
boys hot. Does it again. Jazz with a hidden slap. Into the ropes, Lita
ducks the roundhouse kick, and hits a scoop slam. Folds her up with the
wacky split-legged cover for 2 - Jazz pulls her off. All four ladies in
now - forearms into Jazz's face - kicks, forearms, meanwhile Lita has
Stacy in the corner, she tries to go up and over, but Lita just shoves her
to the floor. Forearm in Jazz' back. Double into the ropes, double
flapjack. Trish with a forearm, Lita with a right, Trish with a forearm,
Lita holds her but Jazz ducks, so Trish's kick hits Lita (it would have
anyway, but who's counting) OOOH DISSENSION - Stacy trips up Trish while
Jazz rolls up Lita and grabs the pants as well - 1, 2, 3. Well, I was
wrong - entrances took three minutes, and the match went all the way up to
(2:25) GOOD OL' JR fails to notice the tights grab and instead says it
was probably Trish's errant kick that had the most to do with Jazz getting
the fall. Stacy is happy about winning but Jazz doesn't look like she
wants to have much to do with her.
Triple H has returned from the all-night veternarian and he's WALKING!
Did he just set off the metal detector? Why, I think he did!
Fortunately, there's no security there, so nobody notices except you, me
and the cameraman
When we come back, there's nobody in the office - Triple H *does* find the
Court Order, which he rips up. Hearing the music, he leaves to come
after...
STEFFO bounds out to ringside. "Okay Hunter, I know that you're back.
And I just wanna say that what happened to Lucy was a complete accident.
I had nothing to do with it, Chris Jericho had nothing to do with it, it
was a complete accident. Hunter, I know how much you love Lucy. And you
know, I might have not said some - I might have said some very bad things
about her, but I never wished Lucy any harm. I never wanted anything bad
to happen to Lucy, Hunter, I know how much you love your dog...I'm sorry,
Hunter." Well, he may be mad but he's STILL gonna make sure they place
his music before he storms out - it's THE NEW MAN, hits the ring and the
chase is on as she leaves. To the ramp...and he grabs her hair. Into the
ring we go - she tries to leave again, but he grabs her pants, exposing
the full moon... Yep, they're gonna tease that Pedigree one more time...
this time it doesn't happen when MR. JERICHO gets H in the back of the leg
with a sledgehammer! Jericho waits for H to get up. One more big swing
to the FRONT of his leg! Crowd: "Jericho sux!" H flops around like a
dead fish while the ring fills with REFS & OFFICIALS. "I think I tore my
quad again!" Pffft. He and Lucy have something in common, then. As he
has one arm over Slaughter and another arm over the acting head trainer,
we take an ad break
Moments Ago, see last paragraph
During the Break, Jericho was even nice enough to come out one MORE time,
giving Triple H a chop block. Well it's about TIME Jericho reminded us HE
was in this title match!
Coming back live, H says "it feels like it did when it tore" - H takes a
free gurney ride
The commentators make noise, then we go back to Stamford...
where the graphics STILL say "Earlier Tonight." Why didn't they just show
us THIS clip, then, instead of all that other crap? Yeah, yeah, I know.
"I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the board for this emergency
session tonight. I'm sure this decision has been very difficult. Have
you reached your decision?" Linda: "Yes, we have a decision, but I'd like
to ask Ric one question first. Do you intend, Ric, to go through with
this match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania?" "Yes. Beyond the shadow
of a doubt." "Then you leave this board no alternative but to grant to
Mr. McMahon a unanimous vote of confidence with full authority to act."
"Well, first of all I would like to thank each and every one of you for
making the right decision. I will not let you down, I am a proven leader,
you have made the right decision by REBUKING--" "Wait - wait wait wait.
Vince, not so totally quick on your assumption. We do reserve the right,
immediately following WrestleMania, to review this decision." Everybody
looks around. "Well that's all right with me." "I, too, would like to
thank the board for meeting tonight. As unfortunate that the circumstance
might be for me myself personally, but...do you mind if I stand? Like Mr.
McMahon did earlier - I think we all talk better when we're on our feet -
I have had to watch my best friend, massacred. I've had to watch my son,
beaten to a pulp. No one would enjoy watching that or living through it.
As far as embarrassing you and your families, I am very, very embarrassed
myself personally, and I'm very sorry for embarrassing you, but I too have
a family, and I have responsibilities, and my main responsibility is to
protect my family at any cost. And as far as my duties, I can accept the
temporary suspension. But, no one in this room will EVER strip me of my
pride. More than that, no one in this room will ever strip me of the name
Flair. And more than that, at WrestleMania, I will even the score with
The Undertaker...at any cost. At ANY cost...to myself personally. Thank
you." Flair leaves. McMahon makes another face.
Shoot, take back what I said about building for the Taker/Flair match.
They gave Taker THE NIGHT OFF? SHEESH!
WOW Vince has unlimited power during SmackDown! - SO WHAT
To the locker room, where Hogan and Hall are comparing the size of their
biceps - in a strictly heterosexual way, I'm sure. "Look at me, guys - I
got goosebumps! I haven't felt this way in years! It's six days until
WrestleMania! It's six days until I get to show the Rock and the rest of
the world who is truly deserving of legendary status. It's six days until
I go down in history as the only icon of the World Wrestling Federation."
"Yo, Hulk - six days until WrestleMania. Six days until I get to corner
Stone Cold Steve Austin. And in six days, when I do, I'm gonna skin the
Texas Rattlesnake alive. I'm feelin' it, man - I'm feelin' it."
"Sweet." "Guys, guys...it is six days 'til WrestleMania, but tonight is a
night of firsts. It's the first time the nation's gonna see Hogan, Hall
and Nash. It's the first time the NWO has been in a WWF ring. But you
know what, guys, the most important thing? Tonight, we gotta make sure
that this handicap match goes down in history." "History!" "No doubt -
let's make some history." "Bow down!" "What did you say?" "History
making."
WrestleMania spot - Chris Jericho/Triple H OH MY GOD THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A
CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH SPOT oops Stephanie's in it oh well go figure
Tough Enough video ad #2
Flashback ad #I've lost count
WWF TV this week graphic - seven big shows in the next six nights! Fire
'em up! Tomorrow, Flashback on TNN! Wednesday, Divas Have Sex on UPN!
Thursday is SmackDown! and Tough Enough, Saturday Excess, and Sunday is
Heat leading up to WRESTLEMANIA
THE
ROCK and STONE
COLD STEVE AUSTIN (with Sour Skittles presents WrestleMania X8!) v.
THE NWO in a hysterical - I mean, HISTORICAL - handicap match - For the
record, Nash DOES Diesel over the top rope. GOOD OL' JR says this is the
first time in a WWF ring (wrestling) for Hogan in "about eight years."
Disregarding the house shows, I think it's actually closer to eight and
three quarters - since King of the Ring back in June, 1993. Ross should
remember that since, as he's since told us, he "carried that broadcast!"
Looks like it's Hall starting with the Rock. Rock makes the mistake of
lunging at Hogan, who drops off the canvas to the floor, and this allows
Hall to come in to get the first blow from behind. Right, right, right,
right - Rock right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head
down, so Rock takes it to the mat. Clothesline. Free shot for Nash, and
again Hogan drops to the floor. Rock makes the international "just bring
it" sign to Hogan, but he ain't comin' in. Hall spins Rock round - Rock
blocks, and lands a right. Right, into the ropes is reversed, and Nash
gets him from behind. Rock turns round and gives him ANOTHER free shot -
then turns back to take a Hall clothesline. Nash is tagged in, let's see
what he can do. Diesels over the top rope - yuck, AWFUL, AWFUL right hand
that misses by approximately ten miles - even the quick cut can't save it.
Rock sells like a champ. Elbow to the back of the head by Nash. Rock
into the ropes, ducks, right, right, right, but Nash comes right back with
a knee. Sidewalk slam, hooks the leg, 2 from referee "Blind" Earl Hebner.
Scoops him up on his shoulder...then walks him to the corner for Snake
Eyes. Hall adds an apron run clothesline. Hogan gladly accepts the tag.
Right hand. Into the ropes, clothesline. Mount, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, right. That was eighteen, thanks for asking.
Death suplex! Hogan's out of moves, so he tags out to Hall. Is Hall
wearing a Nicoderm on his left pec or what the heck? Hogan holds Rock
open for a kick from Hall. Right hand, kick - Rock comes right back -
right, back elbow for Nash, right for Hall, back elbow for Nash, swings
and misses at Hogan, right for Hall, Hall stops it with a drop toehold and
tags Nash. Elbowdrop - MISSES! Rock tags to Austin! Right, right, right
for Hall, right for Hogan, right for Nash, right for Hall, Nash into the
ropes - Austin press! Eight quick rights. Gutshot for Hall, into the
ropes, whiplash spinebuster - stomp, stomp, head to the buckle, Nash tries
to get a shot in but Austin whips Hall into a collision with him...then
hits a double clothesline to put them both down! Austin's doing a lot of
shaking of his left hand - looks like he was trying to pop it back into
place, like he dislocated it on the whipbuster. Knee in the gut for Hall,
head to the buckle, back to Nash, into the ropes is reversed, BIG BOOT!
Nash tags Hall. Stomp. Stomp. In the corner, right, right, kick, right,
drags him out of the corner, scooped up - fallaway slam! Cover - 1, 2,
NO! Tag to Nash. Did the WWF ban chops? I haven't seen any tonight.
Hogan chokes Austin on the bottom rope while Nash Diesels in. Nash puts
Austin in the corner, knee, knee, knee, right, right, right, boy Nash's
punches have gotten so much worse. Nash stands him up - back elbow. Back
elbow. OH MAN HE'S FRAMING IT - crotch chop - but Austin ain't taking
that SHIT and comes out with a right hand, right, right, right, right,
right, right, Nash with a knee to stop the onslaught. Tag to Hall.
Kick in the gut. Right hand. Into the ropes, hiptoss blocked, Austin's
hiptoss blocked, Hall with a big clothesline, and gets 2. Tag to Hogan -
another big roar from the crowd as Hogan gets involved. Scoop...and a
slam. Hogan with a blatant chokehold. Picks him up - straight right.
Head to the buckle. Tag to Hall. Right hand by Hall, kick,
ahhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAAM but no Giant imitation - straight to the cover - 1,
2, no. Thassit. Sets him up - but Austin counters with the backdrop!
(You didn't think Hall would actually HIT the Razor's Edge on Austin's bad
neck, didja?) Rock reaches for the tag - Austin with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, KICK WHAM NO Hall shoves
him to the ropes, where Austin uncorks a right hand on Nash, then turns
back - and Hall gives him a big clothesline. Hebner puts on the count as
both men are down - up to 4 as they both start crawling - HOT TAG TO ROCK,
tag to Nash, Rock ducks, right, right, right, right, off the ropes, ducks,
flying clothesline. Hall in - gutshot, DDT by Rock to put him down. But
Nash is right back on Rock with the clothesline. Hogan asks for the tag -
and with a flourish, Nash gives it to him. Hogan points to Rock and
mouths off...not realising that Rock is sucking it up for the super NIP
UP! But while Hogan makes funny faces to keep Rock occupied, Nash comes
back in with a forearm in the back. Hogan picks him up - double thrust to
the throat!! Whoa, Hogan busts out a new move. Head to the buckle.
Right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes - no, Rock holds on -
right hand, Rock comes back with a block, right, right, right, Hall in
from behind, Austin over to Hall, and now Austin and Hall tumble outside -
Hall into the commentary table - Nash coming to his aid - meanwhile, Hogan
with a right, puts Rock into the ropes - big boot - off the ropes with a
legdrop - 1, 2, 3!!! (9:13) Austin is immediately in with a spear and
piston rights until Nash comes in to deliver an elbowdrop. Austin is
picked up - and fed to Hall for his version of KICK WHAM STUNNER. The NWO
raise their arms high as their music plays a second time - and Lilian
Garcia announces the NWO as the winners. Raw Zone credits are up - and so
is our time.
You know, THIS show wasn't that great either. Believe me, I'm not any
happier about this than you are. Take that last match out and we got a
bunch of 2 minute specials, angles that were sadly more confusing than
anything else, dog poop and another Showcase of Vince's Magnificent Acting
Ability (in three or four acts acts) coupled with another Showcase of
Stephanie's Magnificent Acting Ability (in three or four acts). Are any
of you buying WrestleMania for Vince or Stephanie?
Bottom line: there are a lot of us will buy WrestleMania for
"WrestleMania." But if it's disappointing - if the WWF continues on its
current course of lackluster TV building to subpar PPV - there ain't
NOBODY that's gonna buy Backlash because of "Backlash." But, golly, you
can bet there WILL be a SMALL "B" backlash.
(Okay, smart guy. How would YOU solve this problem?)
See...
*That ain't MY job.*