by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
This Monday, we celebrated - well, *I* celebrated - I doubt anybody else
celebrated because it's not really much of a thing to celebrate, given the
nature of the fact that all we're talking about is a guy who types up show
reports - I think we're losing each other in all the dashes - I'll start
over.
This Monday marked the third anniversary of my first WrestleManiacs recaps.
Those of you deep inside with the CRZ knowledge already know that, except
for a VERY brief return to rec.sport.pro-wrestling back in '96, I'd been
out of the business of recapping wrestling television since September, 1994
- somehow, Rick Scaia convinced me that a 3 1/2 year hiatus was really all
I'd need to come back stronger than ever, and share my "gift" with online
wrestling fans throughout the world...or at least the small part of the
world that feels the need to find out what happened on television by
reading an online report. And so, on 6 April 1998, I turned in my first
RAW and Nitro recaps to Mike Samuda. The rest, as they say, is trivia.
What you MAY not have known is that I was *supposed* to start a week
earlier. The official WrestleManiacs opening was WrestleMania XIV and MY
tenure was to have begun with the shows the night after. Of course,
signals were crossed and maybe I was lazy, but whatever the case, this
report has long gone unwritten...until now.
In celebration of WrestleManiacs' third (and final) anniversary, I hereby
submit the RAW report I was supposed to submit three years back. Not only
am I doing it to lengthen my unbroken string of RAW recaps, not only am I
reviewing what many consider an important cog in the rebuilding process for
the WWF, but I hope that revisiting an old show years later may help to
educate some of you as to why I write these reports in the first place -
for weeks and years after I write down what happened on a given night, you
and I can look back on that night...and depending on when and where we were
at the time, we can be reminded of what we have seen, we can remember what
we have forgotten, or we can learn what we did not know because we missed
it the first time round. Enjoy!
DEDICATION: To Rick and Mike - what you have built may never come around
again...but between you and me, the further away we're getting from it, the
greater it has seemed to everyone else. Now where's my damn money? Winky!
The following is a presentation of USA Sports!
Rated TV-PG-V - "In over one hundred countries, in seven different
languages, to over a half billion viewers each week - the World Wrestling
Federation: the worldwide leader in sports entertainment!" www.wwf.com
Clips from the previous night's show...along with Tyson/WrestleMania
headlines - the highlight of WrestleMania, of course, was Steve Austin
taking the WWF championship from Shawn Michaels
Opening credits
THIS IS RAW! From the SOLD-OUT Pepsi Arena in Albany, NY, we are LIVE
30.3.98 on the USA Network! Let the fireworks rip! Your hosts are JIM
ROSS & MICHAEL COLE and in addition to visiting with our new WWF Champion,
we'll have a steel cage match between Cactus Jack & Chainsaw Charlie
against the New Age Outlaws - and an undisputed tag team championship WILL
be decided! In addition to that, this show is en espanol donde sea
disponible!
As VINCE McMAHON walks to the ring with a brand new (bigger) title belt on
his shoulder, Ross tells us that Triple H has a special DX announcement
later tonight as well. Is that a blue strap? The crowd chants "Austin"
and Vince's smile already appears to have faded. "Ladies and
gentlemen...ladies and gentlemen, if you can hear me...ladies and
gentlemen, is this mic working? Is this mic working? I can't hear
myself." I think his voice isn't going out over the PA. "I am pleased to
present to you - you're so loud - I am pleased to present to you (there we
go) the NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!"
Out comes Austin with the hold belt over his shoulder - he looks at his,
looks at Vince's...gets in the ring, looks at his, looks at
Vince's...tosses his at McMahon's feet and roughly grabs the one over his
shoulder. Vince is a bit taken aback as Austin makes his way to all four
corners for those in attendance with cameras. Although we know Austin will
be defending his title at Unforgiven In Your House 26 April, we have no
knowledge of his opponent yet. "All right! First thing I'd like to, uh,
first think I'd like to say...other than congratulations - first thing I'd
like to say, that I'd like to clear up any misunderstanding about what I
may have said and what...(boos)...I'd like to clear up any
misinterpretation of what I had to say several weeks ago as to you winning
the World Wrestling Federation championship - um - the truth is...the truth
is, I am proud of you becoming the World Wrestling Federation champion."
Crowd isn't buying it. "I'm - I am proud of you to represent this company
- my company - and Mr. Austin...together, and that's a key word, and I want
you to listen...together. Together, Mr. Austin, with my vision and your
charisma; together with my mental prowess and your physical prowess;
together, Mr. Austin, one day you might become the greatest WWF Champion of
all time." "Vince, let's cut through all the BS. I know for a fact that
you hate me. But that's okay - that's okay because I hate ya right back.
What you've gotta understand is there ain't gonna be no you or me - there
ain't no we - you ain't gonna mold me, you ain't gonna break me - what you
see, Vince, is what you get, and if you don't like that...tough luck."
"Well, just for the record, I do not hate you - I am incapable of hate -
it's not a word, really, that's in my vocabulary, Mr. Austin. Matter of
fact, not only do I not hate you, I find you to be a...a genuine human
being, I find you to be....a swell guy. Um, all right, I mean, you know, I
find you...Iloveyou I think you're a - you're a hell of a guy, I--" "You
what? You what? You, you said somethin', what did you what did you say?"
"I I, said I think you're a hell of a guy." "Well I know you said I was a
hell of a guy but you said something else, what else did you say?" "I,
well, I, I didn't mean that I love ya, I just meant....I just meant...it's
a figure of speech - let's just--" "Well now, what did you say? Figure of
speech or not, what did you say?" "No, I just...let's not get
confrontational and spoil this moment, okay? I mean...you're a hell of a
guy, I just wanted to clear that up. I'm very proud of you." "But you
said what?" Vince removes the mic and says "I said - I said I love you,
okay?" "Put the microphone up to your little mouth before I bash it in -
what did you tell me?" Pause. "I said I loved ya, but I - you, I , you
know, I mean it's just a figure of speech, that's all I'm saying." Austin
gets a chuckle out of this. "Okay, hot shot - I love you, too. Now that
we got all the gratuitous BS outta the way - all the sentimenal crap, what
I'm telling you and you can look right in my bloodshot eyes - I ain't gonna
do things your way. I will continue to raise as much hell and do things
and create as much chaos and give you more grey hairs every single day of
your life! Nobody - nobody, especially Vince McMahon, tells Stone Cold
Steve Austin what to do, and that's the bottom line." "Well, we can either
do this the easy way...or we can do this the hard way, Mr. Austin, and
that's gonna be your decision." "Well, that - that sounds like an
important decision - the easy way...or the hard way - if I'm gonna be able
to, be forced to make a decision here tonight, I'd like your definition of
what the easy way and what the hard way is. What is your definition of
that?" "It's real simple - the easy way is to learn to be flexible - to
learn to adapt, Mr. Austin, and...if you'd bear with me for just a moment,
please...Mr. Austin, adaptation is a key of life as well as in business.
That's the easy way, and quite frankly the hard way...you're gonna wind up
doing it my way anyhow, you'd be forced into doing it my way, so that's the
hard way and we don't even need to discuss that." "Like I said...that's an
extremely important decision in my book - for yours and my relationship,
can I have maybe ten seconds to think about this decision?" "By all
means." Austin ponders...then looks up...to the crowd...furrows his
brow...then turns to Vince, who offers the microphone - but Austin kicks
McMahon, and gives him the Stone Cold Stunner once again! "What you've
just seen - what you've seen is how to do things the hard way. If you want
Stone Cold to continue doin' things the hard way, gimme a hell yeah! Oh
hell yeah." Austin grins broadly as his music hits. REFS & OFFICIALS
surround McMahon as Austin goes outside the ring and says something in JR's
headset about how he loves Vince.
WrestleMania encore presentation ad
Moments Ago, Austin made some interesting faces on his way to answering
Vince McMahon
During the Break, Vince staggered out of the ring with some help
Our hosts talk about this second Stunner Vince has received
Backstage, Gerald Brisco and Sergeant Slaughter check on Vince's neck -
because they're qualified medical experts, see
LEGION OF DOOM (with Sunny Donna) v. LOS BORICUAS JOSE (estrada) & JESUS
(castillo) (already in the ring) - For some reason, I doubt this match will
go the twenty minute time limit. The LOD won last night's fifteen-team
battle royal - new attitude, new motorcycle helmets, new manager wearing
very little. Jose is dumped to the outside, Jesus gets the Dommsday
Device, Hawk covers, see ya. (0:34) Sunny takes the mic: "I'm gonna take
the honour of mentioning to you the winners - LOD 2000 - ladies and
gentlemen, this is just a small example of what you get when you mix
twisted steel with sex appeal - I give you LOD 2000!" Ross says Sunny is
certainly providing them with motivation - what, she's havin' sex with 'em?
We are reminded that the tag titles are held up due to some lawyering last
night - but we'll settle that tonight with a big cage match!
KEVIN KELLY stands in the Pepsi Arena Security Office - apparently Vince
has called the cops and asked them to arrest Steve Austin NOW - and he
doesn't care how many cops it takes.
"WWF Legends" spot
Let us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where Vince McMahon got a Stunner
- Ross suggests changing the name of the company to Titanic Sports since
Vince keeps going down.
In the locker room, Kevin Kelly says that the Disciples of Apocalypse tried
to "smarten up" Austin to the fact that the cops were on their way. He
quotes Austin as saying, "I ain't goin' anywhere - Vince McMahon doesn't
have the balls to have me arrested." I think Kelly enjoyed saying "balls"
quite a bit, there
KURRGAN (with Jackyl) v. CHAINZ (already in the ring) - I don't think
*this* one will go twenty minutes, either. Lockup, Kurrgan shoves him to
the corner. Lockup, side headlock by Chainz...Kurrgan picks him up and
tosses him away. Gutshot by Chainz, gutshot by Kurrgan, kick, into the
ropes, slooooow backdrop. Tonight: Jeff Jarrett in action, Marc Mero and
Sable, and that big tag team match. As Kurrgan throttles Chainz, we look
backstage where McMahon, Brisco and Slaughter wait in the parking lot for
the cops to arrive. Chainz into the ropes, head down, kick by Chainz,
forearm, off the ropes with a clothesline - Kurrgan doesn't move. Another
clothesline - no dice. Going for a third but Kurrgan is ready and takes
HIM down with a clothesline instead. Chainz whipped into the corner,
shoulderblock attmempted but nobody home. Here comes Chainz - gutshot,
right, right, Kurrgan blocks, right, off the ropes with a big boot by
Chainz, off the ropes...Kurrgan hits HIM with a big boot - takes him off
his feet. Motioning for the claw - that's the Paralyzer! Jackyl shouts
"this is all your fault! It's all your fault this is happening!" Referee
"Blind" Jack Doan counts down his shoulders - 1, 2, 3. (2:14) Jackyl hits
the ring and watches...then decides that, rather than have him relinquish
the claw, he'd rather have Kurrgan just drag off Chainz with him. Chainz
helpfully backwalks up the ramp.
Outside the arena, a police car (or a limo with a rotating red light, not
sure) pulls up - as the cops walk out, we quickly cut to break
Mankind stars in this Jakks' WWF Slammers action figures ad
Vince gives some instructions to the police - and now they're walking en
masse to find Austin - Vince points them in the direction of Austin's
locker room.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (presented by Tedoublenedoublesdoublee
Ldoublee) v. AGUILA (already in the ring) - Jarrett not only wears the
blinking hat and blinking glasses, but ALSO a blinking jacket, a blinking
pair of pants, and - no foolin' - a *blinking horse*. Aguila is fresh off
his loss to Light Heavy champ Taka Michinoku and I don't think he'll be
breaking his losing streak tonight. Jarrett is the only man thus far to
pin the Lethal Weapon Steve Blackman, albeit with a bit of outside help
from his promoter. Jarrett from behind and we're on - right, right, right.
Into the ropes, reversed, head down, swinging neckbreaker. Ain't he great?
Ain't he great? Right. Into the ropes, clothesline. Tennessee Lee joins
the commentary team and gets cliched on us. Choke on the rope. Boss Man
straddle. Stomp, kick, right, into the corner, followup clothesline.
Ain't he great? gutshot, big vertical suplex. Lee suggests Gennifer
Flowers is in love with Jarrett. Stomp, into the corner is reversed, boots
up by Jarrett - Aguila backflips, backflips again...leapfrog, spinning heel
kick. Blocked punch, knuckle lace, kick, kick, runs to the corner, no
hands as he stairsteps to the top, flips off the top and hits a
clothesline. Aguila is 19? Wow. Gutshot, scoop slam, climbs up top -
corkscrew moonsault! I think Jarrett was supposed to roll out of the way
but Aguila kinda lands on him anyway. Jarrett acts like he's not
hurt...signals...and slaps on the Figure Four. Next week, Tennessee Lee
has a big announcement - can you hardly wait? Aguila has to give it up.
(2:38) Ross suggests Lee is either full o' grits, or full o'...something
else. STEVE BLACKMAN runs out and wails away on Jarrett - Lethal Kick! He
clotheslines him out of the ring, then turns around to catch Lee trying to
sneak up on him - Lee begs off and hides behind referee "Blind" Tim White
until Jarrett comes back in to waffle Blackman from behind. Lee and
Jarrett quickly take their leave. Blackman yells at him to get his ass
back in there, but it ain't happening tonight.
Back to the locker room area, where the cops lead out Austin in cuffs - he
still manages to run over Vince with a headbutt before the cops regain
control and lead him away. McMahon, Brisco, Slaughter and Garea follow at
a safe distance...
DOK HENDRIX wants you to know that the WWF returns LIVE to the San Jose
Arena on Friday, 15 May! Faarooq can't trust the Rock, Undertaker can't
trust Paul Bearer or Kane, and nobody can trust Stone Cold Steve Austin!
It's the Bay Area stop on the "Don't Trust Anybody" tour and it's going to
be LIVE!
This is WWF RAW! And it's brought to you by 1-800-COL-LECT and WWF: The
Music (Volume 2 - get it at Camelot Music and The Wall)!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Austin was led off in cuffs to a
night in the pokey - some "during the break" footage is included of Austin
being loaded into the car...which backs up and drives off - STILL looks
more like a Lincoln than a cop car. Is Vince smiling?
Out comes VINCE McMAHON once again, flanked by COMMISSIONER SLAUGHTER &
GERALD BRISCO. We might get an explanation of what just happened from the
owner....if the crowd can stop booing for a moment. "I came out
here...because I felt I owed you an explanation. (Boo!) Would you just
show a little respect. (Louder boos) Perhaps...in the state of mind that
Mr. Austin is in, perhaps a 24-hour cooling off period is appropriate. I
didn't wanna have to do that - I gave Mr. Austin - I gave him a choice. He
selected his choice - dammit, I selected mine!" and he tosses the mic in
the air on his way to leaving the ring.
TONIGHT: On the War Zone, we'll hear from Hunter Hearst Helmsley - and not
hear from Chyna! Here's a few words now to tide you over: "You might
think that last night DX dropped the ball. Well, tonight Triple H is gonna
drop the hammer. The World Wrestling Federation as you know it comes to an
X-Raided end - TONIGHT!"
TONIGHT: Undisputed WWF tag team championship decided tonight in a cage!
Cactus & Funk against the Outlaws!
Backstage we go to The Rock (with the Nation of Domination), who *also*
appears to have a new belt on him. "JR, shut your mouth and know your damn
role, the fact of the matter is this: Ken Shamrock, after what you tried to
do to the Rock last night at WrestleMania, you tried to end his career.
The Rock can't hardly walk right, he's been spittin' up blood all damn
night but it doesn't really matter, 'cause I tell ya what - the Rock is
still standing here like a man and a half that he is. Ken Shamrock, I
gotta big hand and you know what that means - I'm gonna lay the smack down
on ya in a major way, tonight. But on to something bigger and better - you
know, Faarooq, I just wanna tell you this right here right now, you showed
the Rock last night a world that he wasn't too used - as a matter of fact,
no. You showed ME something that I shoulda seen a long time ago, you
opened my eyes to something and I really appreciate that, and for that, I'm
grateful. I just wanna say this: you are the reason why the Rock has
joined the Nation, you are the reason why the Rock has been successful, and
you are without a shadow of a doubt, the reason why the Rock is still the
intercontinental champion. For that, once again, I'm grateful, and after
tonight, I guarandamntee that the Nation...will be the strongest it's ever
been." RAW credits are up at ten to the hour...let's take a break and come
back with the second hour, early!
War Zone opening - TV-PG-V
EARLIER TONIGHT: Austin thought it over, and chose the hard way - we were
introduced to LOD 2000 - Austin was arrested - and that's all that happened
of note
FAAROOQ & THE ROCK, ROCKY MAIVIA (with the Nation of Domination) v. KING
KEN SHAMROCK & STEVE BLACKMAN - Rocky has a pronounced limp from Shamrock's
WrestleMania anklelock, so it looks like Faarooq will start out against
Shamrock. No, wait, Rock wants the tag - I think that overwhelming "Rocky
sucks" chant is influencing him. Here we go. No, wait, check that - Rock
seems intent on having referee "Blind" Mike Chioda keep Shamrock back.
Finally, Rock stands in the centre and dares Shamrock to come at him...then
backs up and tags out to Faarooq. Faarooq seems puzzled, but comes in.
Shamrock seems pretty well worked up into a nice lather, but finally
removes his gaze from Maivia and looks to Faarooq. Lockup, rake of the
face by Faarooq, right, right, right, into the ropes, nice powerslam. Into
the ropes again, Shamrock ducks the swing - right, backhand, right,
backhand, big kick puts him down. Tag to Blackman - right, into the ropes,
reversed, kicks over Faarooq, who drops down. Gutshot by Faarooq - snap
suplex. Scoop slam - out of the corner but the elbowdrop misses - back
kick by Blackman, snapmares him over, fistdrop, tag to Shamrock. Big
clothesline by Shamrock...and a shot for the Rock as well! Back to Faarooq
- into the ropes, back elbow by Shamrock. Into the ropes, dropkick grazes
him. Rock wants the tag but Faarooq is in a headlock - tag to Blackman -
Shamrock puts him in the ropes, and Blackman dropkicks him - another
fistdrop - first near fall for the Weapons. Tag to Shamrock - right, left,
right, left, right, left, right - off the ropes...but Faarooq catches him
with a spinebuster...crawls to Maivia...but his outreached hand rises above
his head as he reaches to him. Faarooq slowly gets to his feet...but Rocky
says "I'm outta here" and leaves the apron! Shamrock with a clothesline -
Kama and D'Lo Brown wonder what's up - we don't see Mark Henry's response.
Shamrock runs into a boot in the gut - Faarooq picks him up to go for Snake
Eyes but Shamrock frees himself and runs Faarooq into the buckle -
belly-to-belly suplex! As we watch Rocky limp backstage, Shamrock covers -
1, 2, 3!! (4:23) Shamrock and Blackman leave alongside the ramp instead
of up it...methinks something may come back down after this replay. Sure
enough, Faarooq puts down the straps and asks for the microphone. "Hey
boy...listen to me. Rocky, I told you, punk, that NO BOY grows up to be a
man when they cross me! Now since you like to wear high fashion clothes
and jewelry, I got something I want you to are - tonight, you gonna wear a
good ass-whuppin' - get it down here!" Here comes THE ROCK once
again...into the ring - they stand nose to nose - the remainder of the
Nation comes in to try to diffuse the situation - but Faarooq takes him
down and waylays him with rights - Rock turns it around and HE lays in the
right hands - Brow, Kama and Henry join the REFS & OFFICIALS to break it up
- Rock again leaves alone to a cascade of boos. "Hold on, boy - it ain't
over - uh uh - not like that - get yo ass back down here." Rock raises his
eyebrow...and when we look back in the ring, it's *the Nation* punking out
Faarooq from behind! Kama, D'Lo and Mark Henry give Faarooq a three-way
beatdown as Rock limps back inside the ring...and gives him a throat slam!
"You let this be a lesson to you, you spupid piece of trash - there's a
reason why the Rock don't ever want you to think that you were ever the
leader of the Rock, 'cause the Rock is not only now the leader of the
Nation of Domination, he's the Ruler of the Nation of Domination, and
before I leave, lemme leave you with somethin'--" and he kicks him a good
one. "Take that back to Haiti where you come from." The remaining four
members of the Nation make the power salute before leaving the ring - and
leaving Faarooq to suffer. Replay shows the Nation punking out Faarooq -
Ross id's the eyebrow as a signal to Brown. The Nation slap hands after
watching this replay on the TitanTron
10-321 presents the WWF Rewind! From WrestleMania, Pete Rose preached on
anti-Boston style, until Kane completed the shortest face turn in history
by giving him the tombstone
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - "the raised eyebrow, it's time to go"
- and go they did.
Your hosts are JIM ROSS & JERRY LAWLER. Faarooq just got himself four
ready-made feuds.
"Theme from D-Generation X" interrupts things at this point as HUNTER
HEARST HELMSLEY & CHYNA make their way to ringside. Is there a rift in DX?
And, how CAN there a rift be if Shawn Michaels is gone for good, anyway?
"You know, a lot can happen in twenty-four hours...let's start with Mike
Tyson. You know, I must have asked a thousand times 'is he locked in? Is
he with us? Is he a part of us? Are you SURE? Is it sewn up?' Heh -
what I heard was 'don't worry, kid - I got it covered. Don't sweat it.
You worry too much - it's sewn up. Let me make the decisions.' Well, you
dropped the ball. But don't worry, HBK, 'cause Triple H picked it up, and
now the ball is in MY court! I'LL take care of the worries - I'LL take
care of the problems - and I'LL make the decisions. This...is the genesis
of D-Generation X. Tonight, live in front of the world, I form the DX Army
- and army to take care of business that should have been taken care of
right from the start. And when you start an army, when you set out to do
what no one else can do, the first thing you do is you look to your blood -
you look to your buddies - you look to your friends. You look to the
Clique." The music starts up again - holy smack. Ross: "Well, look who's
back." It's SYXX - or whatever we'll call Sean Waltman now. Sign in
crowd: "Syxx is DX's lucky #" Syxx gives us the crotch chop, then high
fives Chyna. "You know, when you've been an indentured servant for two
years...you run up a lot of feelings - talk to 'em, Kid." Time to see how
live they are as he hands the stick to the man in blue bandana, leather
jacket...and DX T-shirt. "ALBANY NEW YORK - RAISE SOME HELL MAKE A LITTLE
NOISE! First things first - I gotta a little sumtin' sumtin' I gotta get
off my chest right now. I heard Hulk Hogan come out on television sayin' I
couldn't cut the mustard - well, Hulk Hogan, you SUCK, pal! So I don't
think you have any room to talk about anybody cuttin any kinda muster. And
Hulk, I got some - I got some more advice for ya. Ya better not stop short
or Eric Bischoff'll go so far up your ass, he'll know what you had for
breakfast!" Ross: "Well, he's tellin' the truth so far!" "And now on to
important matters at hand. I'm sittin' at home with my mind on my money
and my money on my mind - and I get a call from one of my best friends o'
my entire life, Triple H, and he says 'DX needs your help.' Well dammit,
Triple H, any time you ever need anything from me, pal, you got it. And I
got something else to say - Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be standing
right here with us....if they weren't bein' held hostage by World
Championship Wrestling AND THAT'S A FACT ERIC BISCHOFF so put that in your
pipe and smoke it! So the way I see it right now, this is a new beginning
for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling
Federation...AND IT STARTS TONIGHT!" "Oh yeah, by the way, I got two words
for ya..." "SUCK IT!" "Yeah!" Ross predicts that'll be the most quoted
interview of the week. Did the WWF just get their NWO?
And now, the Slam of the Week...brought to you by BopIt! From
WrestleMania, Luna Vachon takes the Sablebomb!
Helmsley and the Kid are still posing on the stage when we come back...
UP NEXT: Sable (and Marc Mero, too)
WWF Unforgiven In Your House is presented by 10-321!
Great athletes from around the world are migrating to the WWF - including...
Vignette time - the sounds of sex are behind that screen - no, wait, it's
just some naked dude watching porn in bed. "Heh heh - damn, I am good! I
am just so damn good! Heh, heh, wow I'm great. Wow. Hello, ladies - my
name is Val...Venis. Heh, heh - I've just been previewing my latest flick,
entitled 'Live Hard.' Heh heh heh - yeah, Bruce Willis is good, but Val
Venis is great. Heh heh heh. You see, I'm the REAL deal. Au naturale.
And ladies, heh heh, believe me, the gift that I have, no other male on the
face of this planet has ever, EVER been blessed with, heh heh. And when I
penetrate the World Wrestling Federation ...all the ladies all across the
country will be squealing in delight. Heh heh - and oh yeah, you're gonna
get ALL of Val Venis - heh heh heh heh. Wow. I am just SO good. Oh ho
ho! I am just GREAT!" "VAL VENIS IS COMING - WWF" Oh PUH-leeze.
TAKA MICHINOKU (already in the ring) v. MARVY MARC MERO (with Sable) - Mero
wants Sable to part the ropes for him, but she doesn't. Before the match
starts, a familiar voice rings out over the PA - "SA-BULL! HEY SA-BULL!
*I* want...a rematch." Yup, it's LUNA TUNES. "You got it!" "But I want a
SPECIAL match with you miss Saaaaaa-bull." "You can have any kinda match
you want anywhere." "Well then just let me explain the stipulations of the
match I want with you. We're just gonna call this match an Eeeeeeeeevening
Gown match. Do you remember, Miss Sable, when I tore your pretty little
gown off your pretty little body? Well at Unforgiven, the winner of the
evening gown match will be the one with the most clothes left on." Mero
forbids her from participating. "And Sable - Miss SAAAAble...I am gonna
humiliate and embarrass you, because I am gonna strip - you down to your
BRA and your PANTIES. That is, if you *wear* bras and panties - ya little
SLUT!" "Luna, I've already kicked your ass and it'll be mah PLEASURE to do
it again!" "Be there....SLUT!" Mero is pretty damn unhappy about this.
Big-time "Sable" chant. Meanwhile, Michinoku has been patiently waiting
for the bell, and gets first shot - into the ropes, reversed, spinning heel
kick by Taka. Dropkick. Off the ropes with a forearm smash. Mero hits a
gutshot to stop the next one - and POWERBOMBS him down. Mero dares him to
get up - left to the body, right, left, left, right and down he goes.
Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas asks him to open the fists. Good luck. Into
the ropes, Mero lifts him up...and lets him fall. Mero removes some tape
and chokes away on Michinoku. Sable is unhappy about all the rulebreaking
- Michinoku sneaks in a schoolboy when Mero turns to Sable...but only gets
2. Korderas tells Sable to get off the apron - and Mero hits the Golota.
The TKO is academic - 1, 2, 3. (1:36) Sable is actually checking on Taka
post-match - so Mero gives him a big stomp to show her who's boss. Ross
asks Mero to show a little class - Lawler asks Sable to show a
little...well...he doesn't complete the thought but I bet he wanted to say
"ass." Mero and Sable are up the ramp...and now THREE JAPANESE GUYS come
out of the crowd (security *almost* managed to hold one back) and start
stomping away on Michinoku - that looks like a fishermanbuster, that looks
like a choke powerbomb, and that looks like a top rope senton - well, each
man has a nifty move - and before we know it, they're back over the safety
rail and away. Who are these guys?
WWF Live ad #2
WWF Slammers ad #2
HEAD BANGERS (already in the ring) v. MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (with Jim Cornette,
already in the ring) for the NWA tag team championship - Cornette is saying
something when we return, but all we hear is "DAN 'THE BEAST' SEVERN!" and
out walks Severn in a suit and tie. Ross identifies him as the NWA World
Heavyweight champion but fails to mention his winning runner-up in the
world Freddie Mercury lookalike competition. Cornette says everybody's
shooting tonight, so he decided to bring his own shooter. He goes on to
say that the New Midnight Express will deal with the Bangers in under five
minutes and bring their titles back home. Mosh starts with Bob - lockup,
side headlock by Mosh, powered out, up and over, leapfrog by Bob, head
down, leapfrom by Mosh, gutshot, into the ropes, up and over, hiplock
takeover by Mosh, armdrag takeover, tag to Thrasher - into the ropes,
double back body drop. Double clothesline. Bart in - *he* gets a double
clothesline. Ducks a swing from Bob - up for an atomic drop from Mosh as
Thrasher dropkicks Bart into a collision. Cornette has talked nonstop -
mostly talking up Severn - mentioning his UFC Triple Crown (tourney,
superfight, Ultimate Ultimate). Referee "Blind" Jack Down gets Bart out of
the ring, leaving Bob with Thrasher - gutshot, Bob to the eyes, tag to Bart
for the open shot - going for a suplex but Thrasher goes behind - to the
ropes, blind tag by Bob, rollup on Bart by Thrasher but he's no longer
legal - swinging neckbreaker by Bob breaks it up. Stomp. Severn and
Shamrock are 1-1 against each other - hmm I wonder which feud they're
setting up for Severn? Into the ropes, back elbow by Bob, tag to Bart.
Open shot. Big left hand by Bart. Into the ropes and a tag - spinning
sidewalk slam by Bart, elbowdrop by Bob gets 2. Head to the buckle. Right
hand by Bob, right, kick, kick, scoop slam. Tonight, DX will introduce a
new member! The Bombastic one is on the second rope...but Thrasher gets a
boot up! Bodacious Bart wants the tag - and so does Mosh. Hot tag to
Mosh! Right, right to Bart, right to Bob, scoop slam for Bart, scoop slam
for Bob, dropkick for bart, into the ropes with Bob, powerslam - 1, Bart
breaks it up. Right hand for Bart - all four men in - Bart whipped into
the corner - going up fo the Ten Punch Countalong but Bob decks him to cut
it shot - Bob up top - Bart with a rocket launcher - leg is hooked - 1, 2,
3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have NEW NWA tag team champions. JUST LOOK AT
THE EMOTION ON SEVERN'S FACE!!! (4:02) Cornette whispers in Severn's ear
- he hits the ring and gives Thrasher a belly-to-belly suplex (in his
suit!) and Mosh gets a butterfly suplex. Then he cranks back on Mosh's
arms. Cornette calls him off...and raises his arm. Where'd the Midnight
Express go? Oh, there they are. Severn adjusts his tie.
Steve Austin uses his one phone call to call the arena - the muting doesn't
catch up with "Jesus Christ" but does manage to eradicate "son of a bitch."
Since the Stone Cold Stunner isn't punishable by the death penalty, Austin
will still be around, so Vince McMahon's ass belongs to Stone Cold Steve
Austin - next week on RAW is WAR, we'll all find out just how pissed off he
is. Shouldn't be a fun night for Vince. Austin reminds us that Austin
3:16 says he just whipped your ass, and next week that's exactly what will
happen.
The referees and ring crew are busy erecting the blue bars cage...let's
kill some time while that's happening...
KANE & PAUL BEARER hit the stage. "Undertaker! Behold, your brother.
Undertaker...did you actually believe last night, after the 1, 2, 3 that it
was all over? Did you actually think so? You are looking at your flesh
and blood - the only man to ever kick out of your famous Tombstone. Not
once - but twice! And he would have done it a third time! Don't you know,
Undertaker - you have had to change. After all this, I know you've had to
change, deep down inside, that cold, cold heart that your body harbours!
You have faced your flesh and blood, one on one! He beat you all over that
ring last night - the whole world's seen it! You cowered in the corner,
Undertaker, as your brother put his fist against your skull. After I
returned to the hotel last evening, I put myself in bed, I shut my eyes...I
was proud. But I was awoken at about 2am with a dream! Yes, Kane, I had a
dream! In that dream, I saw a wrestling ring - in that dream, I saw the
ring surrounded by fire...in that ring, I saw Kane, standing all alone.
Undertaker, I challenge YOU to step into my dream - step into the ring -
step into the fahr and face your brother one more time! But the dream is
not finished yet...in order to win this match, Undertaker, either you or
your brother will have to CATCH FAHR!! The loser much catch fire - an
*Inferno!* Unforgiven! In! Your! House!"
Earlier Today, the WWF camera caught a glimpse of a NASTY, big ol' bruise
on Chainsaw Charlie's right hip.
CACTUS JACK & CHAINSAW CHARLIE v. AD BREAK
WrestleMania encore ad #2
CACTUS JACK & CHAINSAW CHARLIE v. NEW AGE OUTLAWS for the WWF tag team
championship - James wears a JOB Squad T-shirt - Gunn wears a
not-as-entertaining Kenny T-shirt - amazingly, it looks like they *did* get
that cage up in time. The Outlaws hit the ring and Jack & Funk are ready -
whoops, there's a tech guy trying to escape - also, there was no opening
bell since the timekeeper was *also* trying to escape the cage just before
the Outlaws hit. Gunn rams Charlie's head into the cage, then relieves him
of his shirt. Jack seems to have the better of James at the moment. Stomp
by Gunn right on the big bruise - and again. Jack over to help - shot to
Gunn - double suplex..no, they've hung his legs on the top of the cage!
Cactus winds up and lets fly with a double thrust to Gunn's head! Funk
works over Gunn while Jack tends to James. The reason these titles are in
dispute is that Funk and Jack used the wrong dumpster to get the win last
night, and the Outlaws had a lawyer - got it? Gunn backdrops Jack over the
ropes and smack dab into the cage - he slides down to the apron. Yow.
Charlie's head rammed into the cage - he has a ruptured kidney and he's in
there? Gunn has *shackles?* Funk prevents Gunn from cuffing him but the
Road Dogg has a set of his own...and uses them to choke on Funk! Gunn hits
his Rocker Dropper on Jack, putting him out. Funk laid against the cage -
the Outlaws are cuffing him to the cage! Jack is trying to get out the
door but James catches up to him with a kick. The cuffs are against the
bars of the cage, holding Charlie up by the neck! Jack put into the ropes,
double flapjack into the STEEL! James taunts Funk - and punches away on
him. Again, Jack is put into the ropes - but this time he manages a double
DDT! Gunn is up first - wants a powerbomb, but Jack drops down, then
catapults him into the cage! Gunn staggers over to Charlie - and eats a
left. James has Jack - but Jack puts HIM hard into the cage. Jack decides
to climb out - Gunn meets him on the top rope - Jack punching away on Gunn
- and he crotches himself on the top rope! Here comes...D-GENERATION X?
Yep - the Kid has a chair and WHACKS Jack with it - right in the back of
the head - WHACK - WHACK - Jack falls back into the ring. Kid throws the
chair into the cage to James - Gunn gets in position - James on the second
rope - SPIKE PILEDRIVER ON THE CHAIR! Whoa, James is doing the
Centipede...on his way to hooking the leg - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen,
we have new tag team champions. (4:41) Helmsley and the Kid hit the ring
and join the Outlaws in a beatdown on Funk and Jack - some more cuffs are
introduced on Charlie while Helmsley gives Jack a Pedigree. Gunn joins in
the crotch chopping. Lawler figures it out - the new members DX promised
to introduce are the New Age Outlaws. Kid with his gay porno donkey ride
on Jack! Everybody chops their crotch. Kid lays in one more kick on Jack.
Chyna watches on silently. Helmsley gives Jack one more chairshot - then
leaves the chair wrapped around his neck. The music hits - all four men
take a position at the top of the cage - credits are up and we're out.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net