by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
KINGS UPDATE: 32-25, fifth place - 14 1/2 games behind the Lakers and
dropping down to #8 in the West...in other words, settling down right
about where Kings fans are used to seeing them....I think my buzz is gone.
I'll STILL try to be awake when they're on NBC this Saturday, though.
Believe it or not... YOU are watching UPN!
One World Leader Attitude - GIANT NON-STANDARD TV-PG-DLV RATINGS BOX -
WWF!
Here's a Special Video Look at Mick Foley - well, a short one - just in
case you hadn't heard by now that he lost on Sunday
And now, "Courtesy: WWF Magazine" - here are some still shots of the Rock,
the Big Show...and Shane McMahon
Moving forward to RAW, Shane talks about aligning himself with the Big
Show, the Rock talks about himself, then fights the Brooklyn Brawler, then
challenges Triple H, Stephanie sets up a "last chance" match for the
Rock...well, go read the RAW report already. This highlight package, by
the way, is *extraordinarily* well done. Lotsa cool video tricks and
stuff.
Opening credits and a gentle reminder by way of logo that this show is
indeed...close-captioned
BLOW THAT PYRO! It's 2.3.2K (taped 29.2.2K) and en espanol donde sea
disponible from ...well, they don't say! So it's the Unnamed Arena in the
Unnamed City for now (I *think* it was Trenton, NJ - maybe they were
embarrassed to be in Joisey?). It's time to get down - lay down - it's
WWF - SMACKDOWN!
TOO COOL and THAT SLUT CHYNA (with her "C2000") - OOPS, NO, I GUESS IT'S
and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN & CHRIS BENOIT
(with Eddie Guerrero) - Starting off with a match? A MATCH? It's like
*admitting* that Monday's show was off-kilter! Too Cool come out danicin'
- American Males - American Males - American Males - American Males - and
so on. Chyna gets her own entrance (and bazooka) but has no role in this
match. (Makes sense, he muttered in caustic fashion, although not loud
enough to suggest he'd rather see her *in a match...*). We take a brief
look at Chyna's slutty photos (not to mention the fake breasts) in "Raw"
Magazine. No mic time for Jericho 'cause he ALWAYS says the SAME thing
and we want to keep it fresh. After three entrances for four folks, it's
nice to see some UNITY on the heel side. Sign in crowd: "Guerrero stole
my Chapula" Malenko and Jericho start out with a bit of chain wrestling,
a bit of mat wrestling, and the crowd gets busy ignoring all of it and
working hard on a "Y2J" chant. Michael Cole wonders aloud which McMahon
is running things these days. Jericho takes control with chops, off the
ropes, head down, kick by Malenko, but Jericho catches him off the ropes
with a belly-to-belly overhead release. Clothesline. Tag to Hotty,
doubleteaming, off the ropes, dropkick by Hotty. Malenko tags to Benoit.
Side headlock, powered out, off the ropes, shoulderblock, running the
ropes again, Hotty with the leapfrog, Benoit stops and chops (woooo!).
Off the ropes, hiptoss blocked, flippy flippy by Hotty, knee to the gut,
suplex...and nips up. Moonwalk to a tag to Sexay, a dance for HIM -
knocking him down, second rope dropkick out of the corner and tag to
Jericho. Two shots from Jericho, whip is reversed, and Benoit hangs him
out to dry on the top rope. Dragging him to his corner, and holding him
down for Malenko. Malenko puts him in the adjacent corner, the opposite
corner, and stomps away. Head to the buckle, tag to Saturn, still
kicking. Saturn with a right, off the ropes with a flying lariat.
Exploder with a release! Tag to Benoit. Chop, chop, Jericho sent into
the corner sternum-first, Jericho flips out of the backdrop suplex attempt
and hits a German suplex with a release! Jericho manages a tag to Sexay,
Saturn also tagged in but Sexay is a HOUSE ON FIRE WITH A LONG BELT! All
three men go down black ninja style - two scoop slams and a dropkick - and
now it's a Pier Six brawl as everybody gets in. Sexay with an
apron-to-the-floor powerbomb on Benoit. Sexay takes Saturn into a corner
while Hotty works on Malenk in the opposite corner. Double whip coming up
- Saturn reverses his but Sexay ducks Malenko's clothesline - but Saturn
doesn't! Sexay with a superkick for Malenko, and Too Cool hits a double
clothesline to take Saturn out. Malenko into the corner, bulldog off the
ropes by Hotty, and now it MUST be time for the Wurm. Guerrero's on the
apron to try to stop it, but Chyna is over to drag him to the floor and
Hotty hits it anyway. Malenko spins Chyna around but gets pasted with a
right, then flattened by a clothesline. Back in the ring, Too Cool on
Saturn - double back elbow, pose, double elbowdrop. Waiting for him to
get up as Chyna and Jericho doubleteam Malenko up the ramp. Back in the
ring, Saturn ducks a double clothesline off the ropes, Benoit pulls out
Hotty, but Sexay ducks another clothesline and hits a DDT on Saturn.
Benoit puts Hotty into the steps hard. Guerrero on the apron again, now
distracting referee "Blind" Jack Doan. The Hip Hop Drop on Saturn DOES
hit, but Benoit comes off the top with the swandive headbutt behind the
ref's back. Saturn rolls into position over Sexay - Doan back around to
count it...1, 2, 3. (5:31) Hugs all around for the (ugh) Radicals! They
stole one thanks to Guerrero, sayeth our commentators.
The Rock is WALKING! And Mideon's got something to say to him - no, check
that, he's here to eat a punch! Thanks for dropping by, Mid!
WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad - did I read right that "Full Metal: the
Album" was going to get a rerelease, or did I just imagine that? Hey,
anybody got a copy of that early 90's WCW album? I wanna hear "the
Natural" again. "Well, they call him the Natural (Naturaaaaaal)..."
Back out back, a limo - ARRIVES! Who's in it? Well, let's find
out...ahhh, it's Shane - and the Big Show! Boooooo (-yah)!
JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy) v. ESSA RIOS (with Lita) for the Light
Heavyweight Championship - Let Us Take You Back to No Way Out and show you
Terri turning on the Hardyz. Kick, punch, chop, left, right, off the
ropes, dueling hiptosses, Rios flips, chop, off the ropes, down low, down
low again, crisscross, flying clothesline by Hardy for 2. Whip into the
corner, Rios dumps him over but Hardy pulls him down by the hair.
Split-legged moonsault misses, but a plancha to the outside doesn't. Back
into the ring quick, cover, 1, 2, no. Into the corner is reversed, Hardy
flips up and down around the top turnbuckle in the corner, Rios dropkicks
him in the back - Hardy tied to the tree of woe, but as Rios advances
again, Hardy pulls himself up and Rios slides under to the outside. Hardy
tries a leap from the top turnbuckle, OVER the corner, but Rios steps
aside and Hardy hits the barrier - then, Rios decides HE'LL take a vault -
wow! a SOMERSAULT PLANCHA OVER the corner to the floor! Rolled back in,
Rios climbing the corner - missile dropkick to the back! 1, 2, no.
Here's a Double Feature of the last flip. Hardy reverses a whip and Rios
does a handspring off the ropes, a backflip, then a rollup for a 2 count.
Big clothesline by Rios - again he gets 2. Rios advancing, but Hardy hits
a drop toehold, taking Rios' head to the second turnbuckle. Irish whip
into the corner is reversed, Rios drops down as Hardy goes up and over
him, Hardy drops backwards, dropkicking him on the way. Chop, kick, kick,
sat up on the top, Rios kicks him away, then flies off the top with a
'rana. Hardy goes outside, but Lita is over, and she TORQUES him with a
'rana of her own! Rios covers - but only gets 2! In the corner, whip
out, reversed, Rios tries a dive off the top, but Jeff ducks - as Rios
tumbles through, Lita gets up to try one - but this time referee "Blind"
Chad Patton sees what's going on and warns her not to get involved.
Behind his back, Matt Hardy comes in, hits a gutshot - Twist of Fate by
Matt! Jeff going to the top for the senton bomb...HITS IT! (Cole calls
it the "Swanton bomb" - eh?)...but Lita is up and on the opposite top
turbuckle - and there's a moonsault on Jeff - Patton saw that one, though,
and calls for the bell. (DQ 4:12) Jeff has the victory but no belt -
he's a bit perturbed about that. Speaking of perturbed, post-match, Rios
takes the match and tells her in Spanish that she's the mujer and he's the
hombre, or something. She hauls off and slaps him one. They leave
together...but they're arguing all the way.
And tonight, Snow and Blackman are in a restaurant, off on a blind date,
and wearing matching loud Hawaiian shirts to boot! The idea, says Snow,
is that this'll help Blackman out with his personality-deficiency. "How
do you know this girl?" "She's in my ...uhhtherapygroup..." "WHAT?" And
here's the chick - she seems - peppy.
Big Show and Shane - ARE - WALKING!! And making hand gestures for our
benefit
Rock is the main focus of this ad for "WWF SmackDown!" for the PlayStation
- wow, it looks like it kicks the ASS of the ECW game.
Mankind is still searchin' for that ravioli...
Man, a half hour without an interview! Maybe you and I *are* being
rewarded for sitting through that God-awful RAW?
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week - brought to you by LUGZ! The People's
Elbow - followed by the blatant DQ - ahhh, the highs and lows of being a
Rock fan. DECIDE & CONQUER!
Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Blackman's date talks nonstop and with
great hyperactivity while Blackman makes funny faces. This is funnier
than it sounds...but not much...
Here come SKIPPY & WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW to keep us from going through
filibusterin' withDRAWL, if you will. Speak, Shane! "I know what you've
all been thinking...where have you been, Shane McMahon?" "Asshole!
Asshole!" "From the sound of things, it sounds like ya missed me. Well,
quite frankly, I've missed each and every one of you also. You see, life
is all about timing, and timing is exactly what happened last Sunday night
at No Way Out..." "Rock E! Rock E!" "...that egomaniacal Rock got
EXACTLY what he deserved! Exactly what he had coming to him last Sunday!
As a matter of fact, let's go back to last Sunday and No Way Out, and
let's take a look at the footage! Oh, look at the Rock, going for the
People's Elbow, thinking he's just seconds away from victory--WHAM! BOOM!
Unbelievable athleticism - the Rock was denied his #1 Contendership for
WrestleMania - matter of fact, that footage was so nice, that I had the
pleasure of doing it twice - the very next day at Madison Square Garden,
RAW is WAR, Shane O. Mac, once again denied the Rock at becoming the #1
Contender at WrestleMania...let's take a look! There it is, going for the
1-2-noohhhhh, Rock is denied one more time! BAM! Right in the side of the
head, thus setting up - oh, going for the big ride - and BOOM! Going
downtown by the Big Show. Now many of you asked, 'why Shane, why?' Well,
you see, I cannot allow the Rock to dominate the World Wrestling
Federation - just as Stone Cold Steve Austin did. You see, my father
Vince made a mistake - he did not SQUASH Stone Cold Steve Austin as Austin
was climbing up that ladder of success - it was too late - Austin became
an ICON in the World Wrestling Federation! But you see, I learn from my
father's mistakes. And I was not gonna make the same one - I would not
allow the Rock to go on to WrestleMania - that egomanice to become the WWF
Champion - THAT is why I stop that Rock's dream! You see, the World
Wrestling Federation does not need a champion that - raises an eyebrow.
The WWF does not need a champion that - is a prima donna. The WWF does
NOT need a champion that drops something known as - the People's Elbow.
Nononono, what the WWF needs is the most ferocious athlete in the world
today - the most amazing and largest athlete in the world today, we're
talking about the seven-foot-two, 500 pound future Champion of the World
Wrestling Federation...ladies and gentlemen, the Big Show! And Show, I
just have one question for you - now that you are the UNDISPUTED #1
Contender here in the World Wrestling Federation for the WWF Championship
- Big Show, what are you gonna do know?" "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
- I'm going to WrestleMania to become the NEXT - W - W - F - CHAMPION!"
Well LA ROCA has had enough - he's out to offer HIS rebuttal. "Shane, Big
Show, the Rock says you think you're real cute. You think you've actually
managed to screw the Rock out of everything he's worked for. You think
you've actually managed to keep the Rock down, but in actuality, the only
thing you've managed to do is something you never should have down, and
that's (bleep) the Rock off! So the Rock says this. Is the Rock the #1
Contender in the WWF? No, he is not. Is the Rock going on to
WrestleMania to face the WWF Champion? No, he is not! But the one thing
that the Rock is, is something you two jabrones will never be, regardless,
after every chokeslam; regardless, after every Pedigree; after every shot
you take at the Rock, the Rock still stands before you today, the
People's...Champion." "Rock E Rock E Rock E" "So you're probably saying
to yourself, 'well Rock, you're not the #1 Contender, you're not going to
WrestleMania to face the champion, you've got nothing to gain...' but that
fact of the matter is this - the Rock has nothing...to lose. Now seeing
as the Rock has nothin' to lose, the Rock figured he'd entertain himself
tonight. The Rock figured he'd amuse himself tonight. And the Rock
figured, the only way to do that is by taking you AND you and kickin' both
your candyasses all over this arena!" "Wait just a second there, Rock. I
KNOW you can not want another seven-foot-two chokeslam from hell to put
your lying carcass through the mat...although I admire your fortitude,
Rock, I KNOW you don't want none of this either. But Rock, if you would
like to come down to this ring tonight, and take on both myeslf and the
Big Show, hoho - we'd be more than happy to accomodate your request. Just
imagine that, Show...TWO - on ONE - the Great One - would be music to our
ears." Well, now RIKISHI PHATU is out. "Rock, Rikishi understands that
you don't need my help to beat those two jabrones. But Rock, there's two
things these people wanna see here tonight...one, Big Show takin' the Rock
Bottom...and two, Shane McMahon's face taking ..." and he turns around and
removes his skirt "...MY bottom!" "So it seems that it's set - tonight
the Rock says it's gonna be the Rock and Rikishi takin' your two
candyasses on - Shane McMahon, your face between those two cheeks...Big
Show, the Rock's foot, turned sideways, straight up your candyass....if ya
smellllllllalalalaloww what the Rock is cooking!"
"WrestleMania All Day Long" spot
Mankind - ravioli - again. That reporter looks...weird. Like a cat, I
think.
Hey, you know what's weird about this Internet thing? Now we can have an
ENTIRE set of commercials for stuff that's got websites associated with
it. Check it out:
Chef Boyardee
Job Corps
"Drowning Mona"
H-Bomm shoes - a fake product invented
by truth.
Two local spots forUPN 44
Progressive
And finally, an ad for Hyundai
In that second local spot - wow, the Rock's got the biggest head on the
"UPN 44 Discovery Guide!" Win two tix to the San Jose 4 April SmackDown!
taping! Yowza!
Kurt Angle (wearing both belts, natch) tells D'Lo Brown he plans on
retaining the belts for a long, long time. Brown wants to play SmackDown!
on the PlayStation and not pay attention. Anyway, Sergeant Slaughter
comes in and tells Brown that the Godfather's looking for him. After
Brown leaves, Angle takes umbrage at being "interrupted." "Whoa whoa
whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute - you come in and interrupt me while
I'm talking to D'Lo Brown. I mean, you're just like everybody else out
there. I go out there night after night, people are booing me - I mean,
you used to be my hero...I used to be a part of your Cobra Corps! Now -
you know what? I'm just very disappointed right now." "YOU'RE
disappointed in ME? You know, I still carry my gear with me." "What, is
that a challenge? You lost your intensity and your integrity, I know
that, but you lost your intelligence as well?" "You know what - I'm going
to take you to basic training, maggot!"
SmackDown! is brought to you by "WWF SmackDown!" for the PlayStation, milk
(Got Milk?), and Honda's "Road to Savings!"
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) for
the Hardcore Championship - Taz wants to meet him outside the ring and
it's on. Quickly we're over the barricade and walking over to the penalty
box (I think) - crowd chants "ECW" and now we're through a door and in a
hall. Taz scoops him up, into the wall, into another wall, head to a door
- PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN trying a splash and missing, hitting Crash
instead - huh? Taz with a wrench - WHACK - also for BIG BOSSMAN, who gets
involved...Albert ends up locked in a freezer after being whacked with a
metal canister, and Bossman gets a bottle broken over his head...Crash
with a surprise fire extinguisher blast as Taz exits the room. Crash
breaks a bottle, then a plank over his head and covers - 1, 2, 3. (1:52)
Replay of the lead wrench shots and the plank shot. Crash runs back to
the ring and celebrates.
Blackman orders food and his date chatters about ...a fish. And "Lady and
the Tramp." I guess we had to be there.
"WWF aXess" is presented WrestleMania weekend by 1-800-CALL-ATT! It's
three days of - my cable going out! Booooooo! Oops, it's back. Tix on
sale Saturday at the Convention Center Box Office (in Anaheim, I think).
WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad #2
When the cable's NOT out, you're watching UPN!
LILIAN GARCIA interviews Crash Holly, who says he's the greatest Hardcore
championship the WWF has ever had - and to prove it, he's going to defend
the title "24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year" - if they
can find a sanctioned referee to follow him around, they can try to get a
pinfall on him at ANY time in ANY place - I'm thinking while he sleeps
would be a good idea...
ROAD DOGG & X-PAC (with Tori) v. EDGE (you blink you blow him) & CHRISTIAN
(with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) - Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Mr. Ass
was conveniently written out of the script. As the Canadian Blondes walk
out, NIPPLES appears and bounces down the ramp. Crowd chants "Terri,"
'cause she's the most over person out there right now. X-Pac and
Christian start - side headlock by X-Pac, working it, Christian powers
out, shoulderblock by X-Pac. Up and over, leapfrog, dueling hiptoss
attempts, flippy-flippy by X-Pac, spinning heel kick misses, Christian
with a side Russian legsweep - 1, 2, Dogg breaks it up. Tag to Edge - off
the ropes with a double hiptoss. Arm wringer by Edge, X-Pac punches out,
Edge punches back, off the ropes, X-Pac ducks and hits a spinning heel
kick. Tag out to the Dogg - who covers for 2. "DX sucks" chant may or
may not be legit. Right from Dogg, whip is reversed, clothesline ducked,
another whip reversed, Edge puts the boot up, second rope dropkick. 1, 2,
nope. Right, off the ropes is reversed, and X-Pac pulls the top rope to
take Edge outside. Into the STEEL steps! Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas
misses all this as Christian is in the ring trying really hard to get him
to look at Edge - oops. X-Pac stomping away, then putting him back in the
ring for Dogg to cover - 1, 2, no. Rear chinlock and putting a knee
between the shoulder blades...Edge tries to get some cheers started but
all we get is an "X-Pac sux" chant. Edge elbows out and tries to make the
tag, but Dogg pulls the hair and takes him to the mat. Dragging him over
to the friendly corner, tag to X-Pac, kick, double whip, Dogg sends him in
but Edge sidesteps and X-Pac crotches the turnbuckle. Spear for Dogg!
Everybody down - Dogg looking but nobody's in his corner, Edge making the
hot tag to Christian! Clothesline ducked, right, right, X-Pac from behind
but the whip is reversed, and Christian hits a powerslam! Ducking a
clothesline from the Dogg, set up for the Tomokaze, X-pac breaks that up,
but gets caught into a gutbuster! But Christian turns BACK the lefts from
the Dogg, a shot for Edge, and that gave Christian just enough to block
the right and hit one of his own - off the ropes - double clothesline and
both men are down. Outside the ring, Terri SLAPS Edge after he pulled
away from her checking on him. Christian watching this - and missing the
fact that X-Pac is behind him and ready with the Golota. One X Factor
later, that's all she wrote. 1, 2, 3. (4:47) After the replays,
Christian SHOVES Edge to the mat! Edge pops up unhappy and now there's
bit of a debate going on. Quick, stop the DX music, play Edge's music and
maybe everything will be okay! Well, let's go to the break before
something happens.
"APA Protection" vignette - while the Acolytes play cards, an answering
machine message tells us that they're open for bidness. Faarooq needs a
bud, Bradshaw goes to the top drawer of the filing cabinet - and only
finds ice. "We're outta Bud!" "How 'bout a Heineken?" "We're outta
hiney!" "What?! Outta hiney?" "I got it - how 'bout a Zima?" "Ohho,
man, please." APA Protection: "'cause we need beer money!"
Shane and Show walk into the DX office - surely intrigue is ensuing!
TEST v. VISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCERA - this is the kind of match that ONLY
*I* enjoy, you know? Test tries to get the jump on Viscera, but he
quickly turns it around. Wooooo chop! Into the opposite corner, fat ass
splash! Kick, pound, scoop - and a slam. ELBOWDROP! Test slips out at
2. Into the corner, Test sidesteps the splash attempt, three rights, off
the ropes, duck, back elbow by Test takes him off his feet! Whip into the
ropes is reversed, but Test hits a DDT for 2! Test tries to slam him -
oops, just threw out his back. Test rolls outside, Vis comes after him -
HARD into the STEEL steps. Viscera moving some furniture - climbing a
chair - onto the timekeeper's table - but Test goes for the knees and
Viscera falls to the floor - Test off the barricade, but Viscera catches
him and DRIVES him into the barricade! Clotheslining him back over,
another poundin', rolled into the ring, ROAR by Viscera! Now getting back
in the ring in deliberate fashion. Test peppers him with rights, but
comes off the ring into the Samoan Drop - 1, 2, Test kicks out? Must be
because we haven't yet seen the ALLEGED SPINNING HEEL KICK! Viscera over
to remove a turnbuckle cover - Test's head put into the COVERED top
turnbuckle (duh) but Test manages to reverse things and Viscera's head
hits the exposed metal. BODYSLAM BY TEST! Up to the top rope for the
Savage elbow - yow! 1, 2, 3! (3:44) Big win for Test and again, it may
be just me, but that match did NOT suck.
Shane and Show leave the DX office - did anything happen? Will we find
out later? Maybe.
"Have a Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks" and T-shirt ad.
Seeing this "UPN Discovery Guide" ad again, I spy Shamrock, Sable, Austin,
Michaels, and MAN these are some old clips
Steve Blackman's date talks on a cel phone while in the background, Al
Snow gets the piano lounge guy to play "Personality." As soon as Blackman
hears the opening notes, he gives us another one of his AMAZING facial
expressions. Then, between the piano playing, Snow tapping out a beat
with his pointer, and the date yakkin' on the phone, Blackman gives us
another one of his CLASSIC "Why am I here" looks.
This isn't even sarcasm from me, folks!
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, REAL AMERICAN HERO, GO
JOE!, NOW YOU KNOW (AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE) KURT ANGLE v. SERGEANT
SLAUGHTER for the Intercontinental championship - "I can remember when I
was just a little kid - and there was a man named Sergeant Slaughter - and
he was everything a hero was supposed to be. He was a man of Intensity,
Integrity, and Intelligence. But sadly, he's gone from representing the
three I's to representing the three B's - a bald, BLOATED - and I hate to
say this, because the man was once my hero, but the man's a bonehead! He
is - he is. But the good new is, for all you children out there, there is
a new American hero for ALL of you to look up to - and that hero is none
other than Yours Truly, your Euro-continental champion, and the most
celebreated REAL athlete in the WWF!" Holy crap, Sarge comes out to his
*1992 ENTRANCE THEME!* YES!! I LIVE for continuity no one gets but me.
Angle with a fireman's carry takeover and a yippee. Lockup, Angle goes
behind, takedown, three-quarter nelson, 1. Sarge with a boot, boot, into
the ropes, Venis-like knee to the midsection, and another. Short-arm
clothesline! 1, 2, no! Off the ropes, Slaughter drops to his knees to
deliver the elbow. Here's a gutwrench - into a gutbuster! Sarge knows
more moves than the Rock! Into the ropes again, reversed, Sarge ducks and
IT'S THE COBRA CLUTCH!!!! Angle backs him into the corner, but Slaughter
holds on! Angle drops to a knee...then flops forward, dumping Slaughter
right on his head on the way down. Oof. Slaughter, incredibly STILL has
the hold on, but Angle has a foot in the ropes. Referee "Blind" Jack Down
breaks it up. Slaughter rams Angle's head into the corner. A whip into
the opposite corner is reversed, and with such force that Slaughter flies
over the top rope and the corner, all the way to the floor! Wow, a manly
bump for the living legend! Give it a Double Feature! Angle bringing
Slaughter back in the hard way - with a suplex from the apron into the
ring. Right hand. Another right is blocked, clothesline ducked, right by
Slaughter. Ducks a clothesline, AGAIN with the cobra clutch! Angle drops
down and hits a double kick from his back. There's the Olympic Slam!
It's all over - 1, 2, 3! That match ruled it six ways to Sunday. Now
let's NEVER see Slaughter wrestle for ANOTHER two years... after all, this
ain't the AWF! (2:59 into Round One) Having said that, these days I'd
rather see Slaughter than Patterson...
Hey! There's Kane! He's got both Dudleys - NEXT!
Big Show featured prominently in this "WWF Backtalkin' Crushers" action
figures. ("Heygetoffmy - NOSE!")
WWF SmackDown! for the PlayStation ad - no Austin to be seen
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by Jakks Pacific WWF
Backtalkin' Crushers! Kane chokeslams everybody...from RAW.
Angle continues his celebration backstage, dumping packets of sugar,
plastic utensils, and a big bag of popcorn all over himself and the floor
- much to the placid consternation of a stone-faced custodian.
Snickers presents WrestleMania!
DUDLEY BOYZ v. KANE (with Paul Bearer) in a Handicap match - a little
revenge for the Dudleys as they get this booking - or is it revenge for
DX, who probably booked it? Dudleys pounding away on Kane as Cole tells
us that both Dudleyz can be in the ring at the same time. Into the ropes,
two heads down, uppercut, knee, double choke, double knee to prevent it,
Dudleyz with a double suplex! But there's a zombie situp! Double
clothesline by Kane. D-Von into the corner, big sidewalk slam. Baaaack
body drop for Buh-Buh Ray. Cole dares once again to ask who's in charge
around here. As Kane puts D-Von on his shoulder, Buh-Buh Ray hits a chop
block to take the big man down. Standing on the neck - D-Von joins him in
a *double* stand on the neck. Double whip into the opposite corner, D-Von
whips Buh-Buh Ray into Kane, then D-Von hits a flying jalapeno. Buh-Buh
off the ropes with the elbowdrop, and there's two. D-Von's holding him
down. Big splash by Buh-Buh Ray - but Kane gets up! Trying to uppercut
D-Von but Buh-Buh Ray stops it. Kane throwing punches to each man, but
he's one and they're two - the tide turns back. Off the ropes, double
shoulderblock. They take turns kicking him in the head. D-Von with a
right. In the corner, alternating punches from the Dudleyz, Buh-Buh Ray
going to the mask, D-Von choking, into the opposite corner, but Kane pops
out with a lariat for Buh-Buh Ray. D-Von with rights, but now they're
having no effect, Kane coming back with uppercuts for both men. Buh-Buh
Ray into the ropes, big boot, and a big boot for D-Von. Kane goes outside
and to the top - he's gonna fly - flying clothesline for Buh-Buh Ray!
Punches for D-Von, uppercut, whip into the opposite corner, but D-Von puts
the feet up. Back suplex by Kane - Paul Bearer on the apron so referee
"Blind" Teddy Long can be distracted long enough for the Dudleyz to do the
"headbutt to the graun" spot. D-Von working over Kane while Buh-Buh Ray
finds a table. Long yelling at him to keep the furniture out of it but
Buh-Buh Ray has made up his mind - but Kane counters with a back bodydrop,
then gets D-Von (who is on the apron - who knows why) in a choke -
CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE TABLE! D-Von twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE while Long
calls for the bell (DQ 4:55) and Kane sets the turnbuckles alight.
Buh-Buh Ray gives one of his "hope it's not REALLY orgasmic" stares even
though it's his BROTHER been put through the table. Here's a replay of
the chokeslam - and the twitching!
Meanwhile, at the restaurant Snow asks Julie how the date's going - the
date says that Blackman ran off - "something about having a brain
anyeurism or something." Snow asks about her guppy and she's off once
again...well, at least THEY'RE hitting it off...
Mankind - ravioli - #3 - I'm a-gettin' sick of this ad, yo. When WILL the
madness end?
WWF WrestleMania is only *5* weeks away, says the Snickers logo!
Lilian Garcia is on the phone - Crash Holly walks by and she asks him if
he's gonna sleep with that belt - Holly reminds her that the belt is on
the line 24 hours a day! (Not that he has to worry about that, 'cause
he's the best ever)
The Big Show and Shane are WALKING!
Outside, Crash Holly loads up his car - Rodney drags Jim Korderas and a
trashcan into the pitcure - WHACK! Holly slumps into the trunk of his car
- Korderas putting on a count! 1, 2, Joey Abs appears and pulls off
Rodney and makes a cover of his own! 1, 2, Rodney pulls him off and now
the argument is on - Pete "Gas" is over to punk them BOTH out and try a
cover - 1, 2, HE is pulled off. As the Posse argues and brawls amongst
themselves, Crash manages to exit the trunk, get into the driver's seat
and drive off (with an open trunk) - the Posse yells at each other for
blowing their chance at gold - you know....THIS....has some potential. I
can just imagine the poor refs going on strike again to fight constantly
being awakened at 3am to follow some guy who's following Crash...refs in
striped pajamas! THAT'S GOLD, BABY! Get me Bishop on the phone, it's
time to write up a treatment!
Rock and Rikishi Phatu are ... WADDLING!
wwf.com promo
Right after SmackDown, a special look at "Secret Agent Man!" Hmm, I smell
an early end to this show...
That was a pretty short segment, wasn't it?
And now, the Smack of the Night, presented by "WWF SmackDown!" for the
PlayStation - from No Way Out, Shane's chairshot prevented the People's
Elbow, and Big Show got the pin...and the #1 Contendership.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & SKIPPY v. RIKISHI PHATU and LA ROCA - both Shane
and Show wear "Big Show" T-shirts, Shane opting to retain the sleeves -
probably a wise move. Whoops, he's gonna speak one more time - what,
making up for lost mic time, Shane-O? "As much as I enjoy laying the
smack down on the Rock, from one side of the ring to the other, there's
been a change in tonight's lineup! You see, I was feeling a little sorry
for the Rock, I was feeling bad for him that the Rock will never ever
touch WWF gold again. So I took it upon myself to give Rock maybe just a
taste of that gold, maybe the Rock can just brush up against it - so
ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce my replacement in
tonight's match - the current World Wrestling Federation champion (that
is, until WrestleMania)...give it up for TRIPLE H!" As you might expect,
he is accompanied by STEPHANIE ONO. Wow, we didn't see him until 9:47.
Let us ponder this. Show parts the ropes for Stephanie. Get this, Show
makes fun of Rikishi's weight. Now THAT'S irony, baby! Funny, but his
weight seems to have shot up from 401 to 426 seemingly overnight! Rock
finally comes out, the ring is rushed and it's on. The good guys quickly
take control as H goes over the top rope, then Show is double
clotheslined. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner puts Rock on the outside while
Phatu continues to work on the Big Show. BELLY-to-BELLY suplex!
Drumstick drop! 1, 2, no! Show blocks a punch and headbutts him.
Another headbutt. Tag to Triple H. "Rock E Rock E..." H punching away,
Phatu punching back, now only Phatu punching, rubbing his rump for good
measure, another big punch - and a buttsplash in the corner. Got him on
his shoulder, but H wriggles free and goes to the back of the leg,
clipping him. Show tagged in - elbowdrop across the bandaged knee,
elbowdrop, elbowdrop - I sense he's working on the body part. Phatu
punches back, however - whip is reversed - SIDEWALK SLAM BY THE SHOW!
Show holding his back afterwards. Right hand. Big open-handed slap. Got
him by the hair - elbow to the back of the head. Tag to Triple H - open
shot. Right. Phatu slumps in the corner, right, right from Phatu, back
and forth, Phatu right, H goes for the kicks to the bad knee. So Phatu
wears Otomix but they cut some of the letters out of the sole logo, huh?
H takes the ankle to the ringpost - Rock is over, but so's Hebner to keep
him from getting into the action. Are people singing the Big Show's theme
song behind the commentators? Tag to the Show - splash MISSES, and
there's a superkick by Phatu! Limping to his corner - no, he's gonna
drive his ass into the Show's face instead. Show staggers around...into a
Samoan Drop! Unfortunately, Phatu is spent after lifting 500 pounds
across his back and NOW can't make that tag. Crowd chants "Rock E" to
spur on Phatu - errr.... Both men looking to tag - big chant - both men
tag! Right, right, right, Helmsley bouncing up and down off the mat each
time - into the corner is reversed, but Rock comes out with a clothesline!
Rock hits a right, whip is reveresed, but Rock holds on - and hits a DDT -
but only gets 2! Right, right, right, right, right, right, meanwhile Show
is over with a chair - WHACK onto the injured ankle of Phatu! Whip into
the ropes is reversed by the Rock, spinebuster! Right for the Show on the
apron, which takes him to the floor. Shane up on the apron, and Hebner
deals with him, missing a Golota by the Champ onto the Rock. Show chairs
Riksihi again (or...the STEEL steps very close to Phatu). Show bringing
his chair into the ring now...swinging for the Rock - but hitting his
partner! Rock with rights - AND THE DEADLY KISSED RIGHT! Back to Triple
H...Rock Bottom! And it's time now for THE most electrifying move in
sports entertainment - or so I've heard - the People's Elbow. Count him
down, folks - this match is like the Rock - OVER. 1, 2, 3. (7:23) Are
there problems now between the Big Show and the champion? Show didn't
seem all THAT unhappy when he figured out he'd chaired the wrong guy - in
fact, he was practically SHRUGGING it off! Rock walking off (where'd
Rikishi Phatu go?) and now, in the ring, Stephanie and Shane have words -
Shane getting in Stephanie's face, Triple H with a PUNK OUT SHOT (!) for
Shane, Show over to get HIS mug into things. The Helmsleys quickly leave
the ring as Shane and Show stare at them. Cole proclaims "a civil war -
the McMahon family may never be the same - again!" Credits are up and
we're out!
...two minutes early, so we can take a special look at "Secret Agent Man,"
aka "Contrived Sexual Situations Set Against a Backdrop of a Poor Man's
James Bond and It's Also an Empty Remake of An Old Show." How come none
of 'em are named Drake? Or was I not paying attention? Or am I thinking
of a different show? Oh, who CARES. Right? See you Tuesday!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net