by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
You WILL smell it
TV-PG-DLV - UPN - WWF Smackdown - One World Leader Attitude - WWF - and so on
RAW highlight package highlights "Well it's a Big Swerve" - leading to a
new stable - note the judicious editing out of Show slipping on the
stage...and dropping Kane
Close captioned - Opening Credits
BOOM BOOM BOOM LET'S GO BACK TO MY ROOM - THIS is San Antonio and the
Freeman Colesium where it's ALWAYS en espanol donde sea disponible, 27.7.2K
(taped 25.7) is the date and the show is WWF SMACKDOWN!
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: X (with D) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs &
Murtaugh) - Let Us Take You Back to Monday and a Lethal Van Daminator which
enabled the champ to retain against Road Dogg. Dogg takes the third
headset and immediately starts complaining about it not working. Dogg says
he was totally unaware it was a Hardcore match on Monday - I suppose I
should insert a pot joke here, but that's really somebody else's shtick.
X-Pac has a strap - and a finger to point. Crowd quickly lets us know that
X-Pac is the heel in this matchup. Blackman tries a spin kick - X-Pac hops
it. X-Pac tries another kick and Blackman evades - Blackman CHOPS HIM
DOWN. Back to his feet - Blackman catches the first blow, but not the kick
- and after doubling over, there's a big bullseye for X-Pac's strap.Kick,
kick, whip, whip, whip, in the corner, whip on the chest - X-Pac really
laying it in - another strap shot. Choking him out with it - referee
"Blind" Teddy Long seems content to enjoy the show. Blackman manages to
walk up the turnbuckles and flip over X-Pac's back, freeing himself.
Clothesline ducked, and X-Pac runs right into a powerslam. Blackman with
the strap - whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! Blackman dares him to get
up...backhanded whip misses, roundhouse misses, X-Pac hits a spinning
roundhouse kick of his own and Blackman goes down. Dogg threatens to smack
the bleach out of Cole's hair for steppin' all over his verbiage. Git
down. 'Pac outside and he's come up with three garbage can lids. Dogg
keeps calling Blackman "Kung Fu Grip," which is relatively funny. Lid shot
by X-Pac! Lid! Dogg says 'Pac is getting in touch with his "inner chi"
right now. Blackman kicks the garbage can lind into X-Pac's face, getting
him in touch with something else entirely. Blackman trying to shake it off
- HE'S got a lid. Into the ropes, lid goes low - lid to the back.
Blackman asking the crowd - and the crowd goes WILD for Steve Blackman!
Blackman whips backwards and with a discus-like shot, lids X-Pac, right in
*his* lid. Into the ropes, pressing him up - and then giving him the lid
to the back of his head on the way down. The HARDCORE INNOVATOR, ladies
and gentlemen. This man is the SHIT. Cover - only 2?!? Chef Boyardee
presents our first Double Feature as Blackman goes outside to find his
weapon bag underneath the ring. Oh, and a garbage can. Blackman with the
'chuks. X-Pac making motions about the disadvantage inherent in the
situation. Blackman: "You really want this? Here you go," and he tosses
them to X-Pac. X-Pac gives a quick demonstration of his own - and then
Blackman brandishes his sticks. Blackman with an equally impressive
demonstration, backing up X-Pac...he dares 'Pac to come at him, ducks, then
unloads to the gut, back, back of the knees, and back of the head - about
ten quick shots in all and X-Pac falls to the mat. Blackman puts one stick
down, and uses the other in a very sensitive area as part of a backdrop
suplex...with a little something extra in the crotchal area. 1, 2,
kickout! You know, X-Pac never jobs in singles matches...X-Pac under the
ring, and I think it's fire extinguisher time. Blackman over with a staff
- but taking a faceful of CO2 - and one more. X-Pac on him with a right -
head to the comentary table, backhand chop, chop, chop, put back in the
ring where X-Pac takes the garbage can - can to the hid - uppercut can to
the chin (yikes!), can across the back. Blackman slumps in the corner and
X-Pac gets to trottin'...unfortunately, he left the garbage can in easy
reach - and ends up crotching the can. Blackman grabs a kendo stick -
right between the eyes. Cover - 1, 2, 3!!!!!! BLACKMAN GETS A SINGLES
VICTORY OVER X-PAC!!! IS HE TRULY THE GREATEST WRESTLER ALIVE OR *WHAT?!?*
(5:33) This guy oughta be Champion FOR LIFE. Damn - how can you NOT like
this dude? Anyway, Dogg hits the ring post-match and puts the kendo stick
on his back - then breaks the stick over his head. X-Pac joins the
doubleteam. "The Kings" plays and Road Dogg and X-Pac are still
friends...yup. Still to come, an update on the Undertaker's condition!
Backstage, Rock is demonstrably pantomiming to Mick Foley. Say, you think
we'll find out what that's about...NEXT! ?
You're watching UPN!
And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From Fully
Loaded, Rikishi splashes Val Venis off the top of the cage. Holy shit!
COMMISSIONER FOLEY is out for about twenty minutes or so. "Some of you may
have noticed that, in general, I like to smile quite a bit...hell, I think
I've got a pretty nice smile. Unfortunately, tonight I don't feel a whole
lot like smiling...because I'm not all that happy. I'm not happy with
Shane McMahon...I'm not happy with the Big Show...I'm not happy with the
events that took place last Monday on RAW...and I'm especially not happy
about being made a fool out of! So let's talk for just a minute about the
Big Show. Let's talk about how the Big Show, for the last two weeks,
called me on the phone every night and said 'Mick, I'm ready to come back.
Mick, my knee feels good. Mick, I want back in. Mick, I want Shane
McMahon.' So on Monday, I gave the Big Show Shane McMahon...and he duped
all of us. Let's talk a little bit about another person who's all that
happy right now - maybe you saw us having a friendly conversation - I'm
talking about the Rock. The Rock told me he wants Benoit! He wants the
Big Show! He wants Kurt Angle! And he wants Shane McMahon! In any
combination... but I'm not gonna give the Rock a combination - you see, I'm
gonna level the playing field just a little bit, and I'm going to give the
Rock a one-on-one contest In This Very Ring tonight! Where right here...in
San Antonio, Texas...the Rock will go one on one with the Olympic champion,
Kurt Angle. Now, there were some other co-conspirators on Monday night as
well, and they will see special action in a mixed tag team contest...that
will see Trish Stratus and Triple H take on Lita and Y2J Chris Jericho!
But I'm not through yet, and yes, I am starting to feel just a little bit
better, because we've got a six man tag team contest, where my little
buddies Edge & Christian will team up with the Big Show...and those three
gentlemen will be taking on the Dudley Boyz and Kane! And you know what?
Because I'm feeling good, and because, after all, this is the birthplace of
Dude Love, I've suddenly decided to exercise my commissionary powers and
make this match...a table match!" WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & (NO LONGER BIG)
SKIPPY are out for the next part of our prologue. "Mick, since you seem to
be so infatuated with tables, boy last Monday night, Shane-o Mac certainly
turned the tables around on you, oho! You see, Mick, in this arena of mind
games, Mick, all you can do is wish - because Shane-o Mac will always just
be a couple steps ahead of the Commish. So Mick, consider last Monday
night your first lesson in McMahon Master Manipulation. BUT! Without
further ado, the star of the show - I give you the seven-foot-two, over
five hundred pound, give it up for the Big Show!" "Thanks, (baby?),
thanks. You know, when I was sent to the hospital...when I was going
through all the physical therapy and the rehab for my knee, I had one
thought in my mind - that was to put my big meaty hands around Shane
McMahon's neck and snap it - I did, I did. You know as time passed, Mick,
as time passed, I began to look in the mirror, and I began to see who was
really responsible for my knee injury - who was really responsible for me
being in the hospital. You know who it was? It was me! Yeah, it was me -
I mean, sure, think about it - I had a great time making everyone laugh.
But the truth of the matter was, I was a joke. Here we go-- ["Big Show
sucks!"] Well, that's exactly why every one of you can kiss my (beep)
right now! Because AS I was making you laugh, as I was making fun of
myself - just like each and every one of you out there, I was a damn
failure! See, I was blind because I couldn't see who was really trying to
help me - it wasn't you - it was Shane! It was Kurt Angle! They were
trying to keep me from BEING a moron! They wanted me to be all that I
could be! And you know, ever since I came to the WWF, since I first walked
down that aisle or came up through this ring, I've been trying to find out
who I am! What am I about? Well I'm gonna tell you what I'm about,
Commissioner Foley - I am the biggest, nastiest bastard to ever set foot in
the WWF, and I am damn proud of it." The music fires up again. You know,
I can't help but wonder who Show's *real* father is...
Stephanie and Hunter are WALKING! She asks him to please put some ice on
that. He tells her to get off him today. They enter their dressing
room...where a large bouquet of yellow roses sits on a table. Oh, the
tension! Oh, the stress! Who's playing the mind games? Oops - they're
from Hunter to his wife. WHAT A SWERVE! Anyway, they get to kissin' (wow,
their lips are actually *touching!*) and we give them a moment of privacy.
Damn, the crowd's REALLY unhappy about this...
That poor fat dude - he's NEVER gonna get that cupcake
First of many exciting UPN bumpers - oh wait...it's the SAME one...EVERY
time. Hey, you think it's EASY coming up with new ways to complain about
it every week?
And now, get ready for some Maximum Power - thanks to RC Edge Maximum Power
cola! From RAW last Monday, Lita got in a good shot on Stephanie...but
ultimately felt the strap...from Trish Stratus.
HARDY BOYZ (with Moments Ago - four paragraphs ago) v. LO DOWN - Now BOTH
D'Lo & Chaz have lost their last names. Cole tells us the tale of two men
who feel that they've been held back - yeah, the Head Bangers were tag team
champions of the universe and D'Lo was the Greatest European champion of
all time - *clearly* they have every RIGHT to be bitter. Right from the
get go, the topless dudes strike - D'Lo with a spear on Jeff and Chaz with
a general pounding on Matt. Doubleteam on Matt - into the ropes, double
back elbow, Chaz off the ropes, D'Lo flapjacking him onto Matt. "What's up
with that?" Well, I dunno, D'Lo, you tell me. Chaz staying on him -
backdrop suplex. Five rights, and harsh words for referee "Blind" Jim
Korderas - he NOT being a fan of the closed fist tactic. Matt punches back
when Chaz returns...Chaz with a right. In the ropes, Matt ducks - and hits
a nice spinning DDT. Tag to Jeff, squeal! D'Lo coming at him - and going
down to a drop toehold to the second turnbuckle. Jeff with a shot to Chaz
out on the apron, and then returning to D'Lo. Matt meets him there - into
the ropes, double back elbow, trademark fistdrop/senton combo - Korderas
puts Matt outside while Jeff pounds on D'Lo - head to the buckle. Into the
opposite corner is reversed, Jeff puts the boots up, but as D'Lo suddenly
occupies Korderas, Chaz pulls him down from behind, then makes a wish with
the ringpost. D'Lo over to grab him by the hair - tag to Chaz. Double
suplex coming up - and there we go. Chaz stomping on Jeff - shot for Matt
to draw him in - blatant doubleteam while the ref isn't looking. D'Lo
stays in and taunts Jeff while he tries to crawl to Matt. Straight right.
"What's up with that, boy?" Poor D'Lo - he never knows what's up with
that. Leaving him out on the ropes, D'Lo *again* occupies Korderas while
Chaz drops the leg behind his back. D'Lo puts Jeff into the ropes, head
down, Hardy fires back with a kick, right, right, right, whip, but D'Lo
holds on and reverses - backdrop suplex. Tag to Chaz. Tonight - Grand
Master Sexay vs. Tazz! Euro title match! Chaz off the second rope with a
double axehandle - for 2. Chaz waits for him to get up - then clotheslines
him down. Big kick when he gets back up again. Head to the buckle - head
to the adjacent buckle, and tag. Open shot for D'Lo. Knee in the gut,
pounding him down to the canvas. D'Lo climbing to the top - check that,
springing onto the second turnbuckle and MISSING with the moonsault! Will
Jeff make the tag? I have a funny feeling...he just might. Tag to Chaz,
hot tag to Matt! Right for Chaz, right, ducks a D'Lo clothesline, gutshot
and DDT, Chaz whipped into the corner, no reversed, but Matt puts up an
elbow - then clotheslines him down from the second rope. All four men in
the ring now - Matt down on all fours for Poetry in Motion to D'Lo - and
now to Chaz. Matt on the second rope - big legdrop onto Chaz...1, 2, D'Lo
breaks it up. D'Lo grabs Matt - but Jeff dropkicks him in the back - was
that collision intentional? Well, either way everybody's down but Chaz.
Chaz knees Matt, suplex attempt fails as Matt drops down behind him -
meanwhile, Jeff flies with a pescado onto D'Lo. Matt with the Twist of
Fate on Chaz - swanton bomb by Jeff - Matt covers - 1, 2, 3!! BOTH MEN
WERE LEGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (6:05) D'Lo is quickly back in, dumping Jeff
over the top rope to the floor as he charges towards him...then dropkicking
Matt. Matt raised high between them for a double bomb. Jeff on the top
buckle, Chaz over to crotch him, punch away and superplex - D'Lo with the
frog splash. D'Lo *still* wants to know what's up with that. Play their
music! Are you EXCITED about this team yet? Me, I'm wishing for the
return of Well Dunn before I see them compete again.
Back in the dressing room, Stephanie wants to know why Hunter isn't happy -
well, Commissioner Foley's ruined his whole damn day teaming him up with
that "albatross" Trish Stratus. "Trish Stratus should be in some bar
somewhere doing wet T-shirt contests; she has no business in a wrestling
ring. Y'know, she's out there trying to be a wrestler, I mean, she knows
nothing about wrestling or technique - nothing. I mean, you, her, all
these other women, it's the same thing, you nothing about--" Stephanie
rises and takes umbrage. "Wrestling has been in my family--forget it."
And she takes off in a huff - even leaving her title behind - gosh, she
MUST be angry!
When we come back, a glum Triple H sits alone on his sofa. There's a knock
at the door - it's Trish Stratus. She knows he's not thrilled about them
teaming up - but it's Foley's faults. She asks him to show her some holds.
"Maybe I could show you some holds, huh - you have no idea how much this
bothers me. (sigh) Somebody's gotta do it - all right - you know
anything?" Poor, POOR Triple H. We all KNOW how much he hates BLONDES!
GRAND MASTER SEXAY (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Lorillard Youth
Smoking Prevention Program, Foot Locker, and 3DO's Army Men: Air Combat) v.
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Sexay hits a baseball slide dropkick between the ropes,
catching the thug off guard. Dropkick off the apron! Right hand - right -
right - suplex coming up - on the floor! Referee "Blind" Tim White tells
him to get it in the ring, so they do - Sexay on top - double sledge misses
as Tazz buries a right hand in the gut, causing Sexay to somersault on his
way down! Running clothesline. Stomp, right, right, right, Tazz
is...deliberate. Picking him up for the...right. Kick, kick, kick, into
the ropes, Sexay slides under - BIG ol' backdrop suplex. Sexay picks up
Tazz, gutshot, in position for the powerbomb, but Tazz picks him up as if
to backdrop him - then whips him back down into a spinebuster. Cover -
check that, it's a blatant choke. Chef Boyardee wants you to see Tazz land
right on his head again in this Double Feature. Tazz pounding on his back
- into the ropes, back elbow. Snapmares him over, ripping at the mouth.
Right cross, overhand right, right, into the ropes, head down, Sexay comes
back with a kick, another kick, side headlock...but Tazz hits a Nothern
Lights suplex for 2. Tazz with a KO right. Another right. Sexay put in
the corner, Tazz kicks twice, into the opposite corner, Sexay puts up a
boot. Tazz runs at Sexay - and ends up in a powerslam. Sexay trying to
shake it off - right, right, into the ropes, Tazz catches the boot - and an
enzuigiri! 1, 2, shoulder up! Sexay charges, but comes up empty as Tazz
vacates the corner just in time - and there's the Tazmission! SCOTTY 2
HOTTY is out and pounding on Tazz - well, that's just not right. (DQ 2:36)
Tazz rolls outside long enough for Hotty to check on his partner - then he
comes in and locks in the Tazmission on Hotty! Sexay manages to come back
enough to break it up with punches. Hotty off the ropes with the bulldog -
now holding him down for the Hip Hop Drop from Sexay. And how about a nice
Worm with that? Yup. Play their music! Tazz seems pissed, for some
reason.
Having taught her the headlock, H moves on to teaching Trish Stratus the
hammerlock. Her asks her to try it - on his bad arm. What a dummy! H
moves on to the science of counterholds - the counter to a hammerlock is to
reach between her legs, grab HIS leg, and pull it forward. (Never mind we
haven't seen that since DiBiase...) so they get to working on THIS, when of
course Stephanie barges right in with "what the HELL is THIS?" Too bad she
wasn't watching on the monitor, huh? Stephanie demolishes the flowers and
throws the vase at Triple H - then takes off crying. "This is your damn
fault!" H busts up the OTHER lamp and takes off...
UPN! Home of one bumper!
Moments Ago - "classic misunderstanding" - say, it DOES like he's doin' her
in da butt!
During the Break, Triple H loads into his limo - Dogg says he'll talk to
Stephanie, he can't just go - H says to hell with Foley, the match AND his
wife. And they drive off.
EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box and oversized foam cowboy
hats) and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Skippy) v. DUDLEY BOYZ and KANE in a
tables match - "We just wanna say howdy to all our fans right here in San
Antonio! As we all know, most people view Texans as big, smelly, pork rind
chomping, tobacco spitting fatties!" "Moving right along, we've heard the
old saying 'everything's bigger in Texas!' Well with that being said,
feast your eyes on the severe massivity, ha ha, of our tag team partner!
He's seven foot four, he's five hundred pounds, he's the TOTALLY Big Show!"
Show does NOT come out with a giant cowboy hat on. Although it was set up
in the ring, I guess Show's pyro didn't work - or they edited it out,
'cause we didn't see it. Edge & Christian try to swarm, but the Dudleyz
make quick work of them - Kane is content to stand there and watch. Edge
goes outside and Buh-Buh Ray stays in with Christian. Open-handed slap in
the corner, elbow to the forehead, into the ropes, biiiig back body drop.
Clothesline. Tag to D-Von, both men put him in the ropes, double
knockdown. D-Von with a right, right, right, right, into the ropes is
reversed, clothesline ducked, big shoulderblock by D-Von. Shot for Edge as
he comes in. D-Von watches Edge on the outside, though - as does referee
"Blind" Mike Chioda - so EVERYBODY misses Christian coming up from behind
and hitting an uppernut on D-Von. Inverted DDT. Christian crawls over and
tags the Show - down you go, D-Von. In the corner, well it's three big
kicks. Well it's a big beal. Well it's a big into the ropes, well it's a
big powerslam. C'mon, you've MISSED this gimmick. Tag to Edge, who stomps
away. Edge puts him on the top buckle, right hand, up for a superplex
attempt - but D-Von fights it and throws him back into the ring. D-Von
with a running clothesline. Wants a tag - Edge holds on, so HE gets a back
elbow - now Christian is in without a tag, and there's a backdrop suplex.
This pisses off Kane, who comes in and puts each man down with an uppercut,
then catches Christian in a tilt-a-whirl slam. Clothesline takes Edge to
the outside - Christian tossed over as well. He wants the Show - so the
Show will come in. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, okay
THAT'S the new record. Kane nearly backhands Chioda for attempting to
break up his world record attempt, and he scatters. Shane was thinking
about coming into the ring here, but Kane spies him and points - and he
backs down off the apron. That was just enough to give the Show an
opening, and - well it's a big clothesline. Well it's a big toss over the
top rope to the floor. Well it's a big following him walking over the top
rope and going to the floor. In the ring, Buh-Buh Ray backdrops Edge and
it looks like it's time for the "Wassup" spot. D-Von does his war dance,
and then Buh-Buh Ray says those four little words that the entire crowd has
been waiting for: "D-Von...get the table!" They go out and find the table
- meanwhile, Kane eats the STEEL steps - I'm gonna guess the Show had
something to do with that. Edge & Christian try to baseball slide dropkick
the table - but the Dudleyz are starting to *learn*...and raise the table
so they only find air - then they run the table into both of them. Table
in the ring now - D-Von has Edge by the hair, right, sorry TWO tables in
the ring. Buh-Buh Ray setting up a table as D-Von puts Edge in the ring.
Here's 3D! Dudley Death Drop! That's good enough to get them the victory
- only had to put ONE guy through a table, I guess. (4:20 - hmm)
Christian hits the ring and goes down to a right from D-Von. Buh-Buh Ray
sets up the second table - hey, you think he'll...no, Christian hangs onto
the ropes and pulls himself outside, avoiding it. Show is in - well it's a
big right for Buh-Buh Ray, and well it's a big right for D-Von. *Kane* is
in as Show resets the table - Kane's got him in a choke...but Shane is in
to break it up with his best clubbing forearm...which isn't all that great,
as Kane slowly turns to face Shane. *Shane* in the choke...but Show puts
Kane in a choke and breaks that up - ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM *demolishes*
the table. Play the Show's music! Dig that CRAZY replay!
Too Cool & Rikishi eat Crunch 'n Munch! Heeeey......is Grand Master Sexay
putting the dude in a Sharpshooter? Damn, can't you guys LEAVE BRET ALONE
Moments Ago - two paragraphs ago - just in case you were watching some
other show, I guess. "Welllll......." Here's another angle.
"Welllll......."
STEVEN RICHARDS (with Wall Buchanan)
Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Buchanan pinned the Godfather to excise
the ho's from theWorld Wrestling Federation. "Now, I can understand that
you people cannot comprehend that we have, and have always had, your best
interests in mind. But after our victory this past Monday night over
indecency, we have received thousands upon thousands of letters in support
of our actions! And whether you like it or not, right will always prevail
over wrong! For example, scantily clad women are wrong! Lusting after
scantily clad women is wrong! And pimpin' isn't easy - it's history! And
so are the scantily clad women! Because Monday night on RAW, a battle was
won - we fought the good fight for your own good, because quite frankly you
do not know any better - and we won. Also, we have proven that our efforts
are not in vain, because ladies and gentlemen...["ass hole"]...ladies and
gentlemen, it is our honour to introduce to you...THE GOODFATHER. Out
comes the former Godfather to Richards' music - wearing shirt, slacks, tie
and glasses. Golly! "So I see, once the women are gone, so is the love,
huh? Steven Richards was right - I'm spendin' way too much time trying to
ruin what's good in he WWF - and you people cheer for it! I thought that I
was fightin' for your rights, but all I was fightin' for was filth!
Parading ho's around - excuse me - parading women around as sex objects -
it isn't right. I tried to play off of your lust - I was pimpin' just for
the cheer...when I should have been trying to set a better example. Love
is not for sale! Love is a gift! Lovei s a privlige, not a commodity. So
knowing that, I finally got one thing to say, and that is I'M SORRY! Don't
you people realise what you're cheering for is wrong? Never again will I
contribute to the moral demise of what this great country of ours stands
for! My eyyyyyyyyes were shut SO tight that I could not even see all the
trash in front of my eyes! I could not see that what I was doin' was
WRONG! I did not see what you great people cannot see - and that is that
STEVEN IS RIGHT! The WWF will be better off, believe me, if there's no
pimps, no ho's, and selective censoring!" Steven offers the Hand of
Friendship - and he TAKES it! Buchanan shakes his hand as well. Wow. Who
would have thought that in these times, I'd take this situation and say...
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a heel turn. That...and Charles Wright just
got a lot more interesting...
In the commissioner's office, Trish requests a word. Since Triple H has
left, it's not fair to have the match, is it? Foley turns the tables on
Trish, accusing her of sexual harrassment...what with all of that sexuality
she's forcing on him, harrassing him (if you will). Foley decides that
she'll have a substitute partner - Chris Benoit. Foley says she can take
the match tonight, or he can sue her for sexual harrassment. This would
probably make more sense if I took the time to properly explain it - then
again, maybe it wouldn't. On the other hand, I have to give Trish credit
for making great strides in her nonexistent acting ability...but GOSH she's
so SHINY
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: PERRY SATURN (with Nipples) v. CRASH (with
Scale) - RAW hits the Georgia Dome Monday - good seats still available (or
at least, bad seats). Saturn runs at Crash, who ducks and punches - into
the ropes, Crash with a flying headscissors - off the ropes with a
clothesline, dropkick as he's seated - 2. Saturn ducks a clothesline and
superkicks Crash. Backdrop suplex. Press - and toss. Crash puts Saturn
in the ropes, but he misgauges the looseness of the top rope and ends up
whipping his head under it. Crash improvises by running to him and kicking
away. Into the ropes, hiptoss blocked, swinging neckbreaker by Saturn - 1,
2, no. Saturn puts Crash in the ropes, HE blocks a hiptoss, and turns into
a bodyscissors rollup for two. Saturn blocks a forearm, goes behind, got
him up on his shoulders - turns him and powerbombs him down. Hooks the leg
- 2. Oh oh, Cole called him "Crash Holly!" Tsk tsk tsk, Cole, he HAS no
last name now! Crash put in the corner, boot up on the charge - Crash has
him in a side headlock - sort of an acid drop there...1, 2, foot on the
rope. Crash with an elbow, reversed, there's that ninety degree
flapjackery I always forget the name of - Crash up first, though - elbow,
into the ropes, back body drop - climbing to the top for a huracanrana -
hooks the leg..only 2. Cole called him "Crash Holly" again - it's my duty
to ding him for that, you know. Of course, they could just drop the silly
one name bit, as well...but you KNOW they won't. Terri grabs the ankle as
he comes off the ropes. Now referee "Blind" Jack Doan has some words for
Terri about how we follow the RULES around here...behind his back, Saturn
kicks him squaarn the nuts and cradles him up for the pin. (2:51) EDDIE
GUERRERO hits the ring and jumps Saturn, and right behind him THAT SLUT
CHYNA is barking out instructions. A few more refs come out to hold Eddie
back - so *Chyna* clotheslines him out of the ring. Play Eddie's music!
Terri fondles herself with the belt.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. They
chat a bit about the Big Show unleashed.
Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Shane broke a cinder block on
Undertaker's knee. The update: severe knee damage, dislocated patella, and
some ligament damage.
Chris Jericho and Lita are WALKING! Golly what a tiny, tight top! No,
silly...on Lita - Jericho's topless
TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL and CHRIS BENOIT (with Skippy - and Chef
Boyardee, presenting SummerSlam) v. LITA and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO in an
intergender tag - Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight as Shakespeare
himself couldn't have written a greater tragedy. Later Earlier Tonight, H
takes off. The men start. Lockup, knee by Benoit, knee by Jericho, they
trade rights for a while, Jericho puts him in the ropes but Benoit knocks
him down. Up and over, leapfrog by Jericho, chop ducked, Jericho's lands,
chop, chop, into the corner, foot up by Benoit, clothesline ducked, foot
caught, Jericho with an enzuigiri, oh my they're fast. Benoit goes
outside. Stratus tries to come in with a sneak attack, but Lita hits the
ring and clothesline *her* down. Stratus rolls out. Jericho whips Lita,
who drops into a baseball slide dropkick to Stratus' back. Kick to Benoit,
right, right, into the ropes, reversal, gutshot by Benoit - hanging him out
to dry on the top rope - referee "Blind" Tim White with some words for
Benoit - behind his back, Shane pulls him to the floor and adds some
stomping. Jericho put back in the ring, where Benoit is waiting.
Backbreaker. Benoit outside and on top - swandive headbutt to the back -
cover - Lita pulls him off at 2, but Benoit's got her by the hair - tossing
her through the ropes to the floor! Benoit turns into a spinning heel kick
by Benoit. Both men slow to get up - both men landing simultaneous rights
- and again - Jericho with a right while Benoit kicks, repeat, right by
Benoit, Jericho bounces off the ropes with a forearm. Benoit put into the
ropes, reversed, flying jalapeno by Jericho! Off the ropes with a bulldog
- cover gets 2. Into the ropes - head down, kick by Benoit, shot for Lita,
Jericho with a double leg - Walls of Jericho! Stratus comes in and pulls
Jericho off by the hair - she winds up to slap him, but Jericho blocks it
and grabs HER by the hair - and hnow he's going to put HER in the Walls of
Jericho! Benoit over with a right to break that up - Benoit backs into a
huracanrana from Lita! EVERY time Lita does something like that, I cringe.
Lita with a nice pescado on Stratus, for an encore. Jericho reverses a
whip into the ropes, back elbow, Lionsault! Jericho holds his ribs - then
covers - 1, 2, 3!! (3:27) Lita holds her left elbow and forearm - did she
hurt herself on the only move that didn't scare me? How ironic! Benoit
makes the "curses" bottom rope kick as Jericho's music plays.
Here's a look at WWF New York - just for kicks.
Moments Ago - two paragraphs ago - commentators quickly build up Benoit
despite his loss, blaming it on his inexperience in intergender matches,
and his inexperienced partner
JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Kurt Angle, who has some words about his
upcoming match. "Oh, God forbid 'the great one' get hit with a chair. You
know, an Olympic gold medalist - a man who brought fame and honour to his
country can get chased by a psycho on a motorcycle and by even his bigger
psycho brother and nothin' happens, but the man with the eyebrow get hit
with a chair, and it's time to call the National Guard! Well, Commissioner
Foley might think he's punishing me by puttin' me in this match, but he's
actually doing me a favour, because I can't wait to face the Rock, and it's
only fitting that we're doing it here in Texas, because the Rock and Texas
have a lot in common. They both think they're better than everyone else,
as if they're special. Well, the Rock's not special. And Texas...as a
representative of all fifty states, I only have one thing to say, and I
don't say this often...the Lone Star state...Lone Star State, my ass. Huh?
So Rock, I want you to come back down to earth, show some guts, and put
that title on the line, 'cause you're about to be beaten by the real
People's Champion, and THAT...is true."
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY interviews Jericho backstage. "Well, I think we all
learned a couple things about Triple H tonight. Number one, according to
his wife, maybe he's not That Damn Good. And number two, I think that he
learned that if you're gonna stick a girl like Trish Stratus with a couple
o' pointers, maybe it's best to wait until your wife has left the building,
sunshine. And as far as Chris Benoit goes, he claims to be the greatest
techincal wrestler in the WWF; well, since Y2J just beat him, I guess that
makes him the second greatest technical wrestler - but then again, since
the Rock beat him the other night, I guess that makes him the third tech--
matter of fact, Lita was bumping him around tongiht, I guess he's the
fourth technical--" At this point, Benoit flies into the picture and
DESTROYS Jericho, Shane helpfully providing a narration. "Who's the
greatest technical wrestler now?" Benoit drops the garage door right on
Jericho's injured ribs. But he's not done - he's got a chair...WHACK right
to the head! Jericho spits up some New Blood for added effect.
MY question is...if he can't reach it NOW, how did that cupcake get there THEN?
Sole UPN bumper
Moments Ago - three paragraphs ago - even Shane is aghast at the bloody
mess left behind
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with the WWF Rewind) v. LA ROCA - During
the break, Rock apparently demanded to Foley that this be made a title
defense - and Foley gave the okay! The WWF Rewind, brought to you by
Lorillard's Whacko Tobacco, is Shane McMahon's gang beatin' up on the Rock
at the end of Monday's RAW. UPN would like you to know that you're
watching "WWF Smackdown." I have no doubt that there's no chance in hell
that Angle come out of tonight's show with the title, no matter what Lawler
says. Angle doesn't want to get in the ring, so Rock goes out to meet HIM,
instead, right, right, right, in the ring, bell sounds to start the match,
right, into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick by the Rock, Rock ducks a
clothesline and hits a back elbow. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp, right, elbow,
into the oppsite corner is reversed, Rock puts up an elbow, but runs into
an Angle powerslam. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, right, right, kick,
kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, whip into the opposite corner
is reversed and Angle hits sternum first - Rock decides to clothesline him
in the back as he backs out. Rock with a right. Into the ropes we go,
reversed, back elbow by Angle. Rock tries a clothesline, but Angle ducks
it and hits a back suplex. Stomp, stomp, stomp - CHRIS BENOIT & SKIPPY are
walking down the aisle to get a better look. Angle continues to stomp on
him. Angle choking Rock on the second rope - referee "Blind" Earl Hebner
pulls him off and, as he's relating how rope chokes are a violation of the
rules, Shane gives the Rock a second rope choke behind his back. Stomp by
Angle. Right. Right. Right is blocked, right, right, right, off the
ropes...but Angle sidesteps it and puts Rock over the top rope to the
floor. Shane with a clothesline on the Rock! Angle outside to put him
back in - can't win the title on a countout - cover - 1, 2, NO! Stomp by
Angle. Right hand. Right. Into the ropes, Rock springs off with a flying
clothesline. Right by the Rock, into the ropes is reversed, Angle hugs
Hebner and turns him away from Benoit grabbing the ankles and tripping up
the Rock. Benoit lands a right, scoops him up and crotches him on the
barricade. Rock approaches selling!!!! Hebner counts - Angle goes outside
and throws a right. Back in the ring - leg is hooked - NEW CHAMPION NEW
CHAMPION NEW oh no it's only 2. Angle goes to the headlock. Rock is
fading fast - why, his arm might drop twice! Crowd chants "Rock E" as - go
figure - the arm doesn't fall a third time. Rock to his feet, right,
right, right, breaks the hold so Angle immediately goes to the eyes, now
HE'S throwing rights, there's a third, another, right, off the ropes but
Rock catches him in a ... well, let's be generous and call it a
belly-to-belly suplex. Both men are down and Hebner puts on the count. At
7, Angle pulls himself up by the ropes, off the ropes, Rock ducks, right
hand puts Angle down. He bounces up, right puts him down. One more time
with the bounce and the right. Rock spits in his hand - he's ready to KISS
THAT RIGHT but Angle has the spit right scouted and DUCKS it! (Are people
getting wise to the deadly power of the spit right?) Rock blocks a right
from Angle, gutshot, DDT! Cover - 1, 2, Angle kicks out! Rock with a
right, into the ropes, but Angle holds on - belly-to-belly overhead suplex!
Angle struggles to make the cover - in fact, he doesn't....he's out. Angle
again pulls himself up by the ropes - charging Rock but caught in a
spinebuster. Rock ready to go for the Elbow, but he spies Shane on the
apron out of the corner of his eye. Right hand for Shane! Angle tries for
a gutshot, but Rock catches the foot and executs a DRAGON SCREW LEGWHIP -
holy shit! Rock with...a SHARPSHOOTER?!? Did somebody have a bet with him
or something? Benoit comes in and waffles him in the back of the head,
breaking the hold. Hebner, of course, is discussing Kathie Lee's last show
with Shane. Cole says Angle was tapping out - I must have missed it.
Rock, angered, goes outside to get him some of Benoit. Right to the back
of the head - Benoit put into the STEEL steps. Benoit rolled in - now Rock
has a chair...back in the ring - WHACK! to Benoit's back. WHACK! to Angle
- no, no, that won't fly, even with Hebner in there. Your winner via
disqualification...Kurt Angle. (DQ 7:39) Rock mounts Angle and punches
away - Shane gets in the ring - Rock turns to face him - and Shane runs
away. The chase is on up the ramp, but Benoit catches up to him before he
can catch up to Shane. Rock ducks a clothesline and delivers a spinebuster
on the ramp. The ring announcer announces Angle the winner - Angle has the
WWF title and goes into celebration mode - Rock gives us a pissed face,
then runs back into the ring. Angle tries to waffle him with the WWF
Championship belt, but Rock ducks, right puts Angle down - HE tries a belt
shot, but Angle rolls out of the ring just in time. Play the Rock's music!
On the stage, Shane, Benoit and Angle make faces and point - Rock returns
the stare...credits are up...and we're out.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net