by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
Travis is THE MAN! OTHER ARENA DOT COM! RAH RAH RAH!
Kim is THE MAN! Oh, wait....Kim's a GIRL! Well....hmm, what's the
equivalent of THE MAN for a woman? THAT'S KIM!!
In the past couple of weeks, I've been pretty fortunate to receive all
three wrestling-related CD's - so in the interests of "giving back," here
are your capsule reviews...according to me.
You pretty much know what you're getting out of "WWF: The Music (Volume
4)" which is either good or bad depending on your POV, ya know? If you
like 'em on TV, you'll like 'em on disc. If you hate 'em, ditto that.
It's a tossup.
"WCW Mayhem," on the other hand, actively blows chunks - the wrestler
themes are incomplete, feature crappy voiceovers and canned applause, the
new tracks feature excised naughty words AND the disc as a whole sounds
like it was mastered in a college dorm bathroom. Blecch.
Now, the "Wrestling With Shadows" disc - THAT is a CHOICE set of tunes. I
don't usually go for the hard stuff but some of these tracks not only kick
ass, but sound like they actually lift the lyrics and pepper them up with
talk about Montreal, Hart, Vince, that whole thing (I'm thinking
specifically of the Gob track here, for example). AND - and this is the
surprising part - THEY DON'T SUCK! Not to mention you get a COMPLETE take
of Bret's current theme music - which I REALLY like. Chugga chugga chugga
chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga...
SO: go buy that soundtrack - buy the WWF one if you REALLY want those
wrestler themes (okay, I'm a sucker for D'lo's theme, so I'd probably have
bought it) - and probably don't buy Mayhem - but if it were on sale, I'd
probably buy it just to have both "Crush 'em" (catchy, but a bad choice
for Goldberg's theme) and the live Metallica track on one disc.
Of course, I say that because I already have my copy of Hernia Guy singing
"American Made" on that old Hulk Hogan's Wrestling Boot Band tape...
Anyway, to the show!
But first...
KINGS UPDATE: Can you *believe* this? 5-1! 1 1/2 games behind Portland
and in SECOND PLACE! I may actually have to pay attention! And dare I
say...actually PAY MONEY to go SEE them?
You're watching - *UPN*!
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
TV-14-DLV - Triple H and cohorts are seen putting the boots and fists to
Patterson and Brisco. "You tell McMahon he's making this too personal,
you got it?" Eww, lookit all the BLOOD!
Opening credits and closed captioned symbol - wooga wahhwah wooga wahhwah
FIREWORKS! KBHK CRAWL! WE ARE NOT LIVE from the Unnamed Arena in
Cincinnati, OH 18.11.99 (taped 16.11) and it's SMACKDOWN!
Backstage, the McMahon limo arrives - Vince, Shane, Stephanie, and Test
get out. Sergeant Slaughter meets them with the terrible news - that
Patterson and Brisco were just beat up!
Everybody RUNS from here...to there. Oh, the humanity! Who did this?
All they can say is "DX." Brisco relays the message from Triple H - with
a lot of "Mr. Mac Man" thrown in. McMahon takes umbrage at the suggestion
that he's making it too personal - and demands to Slaughter that he
deliver Triple H to him - RIGHT NOW.
CHRISTIAN & EDGE v. TOO COOL - Taylor says "weez" a lot - I immediately
think of Sherman Helsmley. Christopher says a lot of other stuff that a
white man has no business saying. Suddenly - it's a MATCH! Taylor and
Christian start - back and forth we go, counter, counter, waistlock,
elbowed out by Taylor - off the ropes, slide under, waistlock, Christian
with the elbows - off the ropes with a kick - shooting out Taylor, up and
over the back, dancing away - dropkick from Christian. There's a
takedown, into an arm wringer. Tag to Edge - double hiplock takeover and
Scotty Too Hotty ain't lookin' to hot. Into the corner from Edge, Taylor
up and over and getting the tide turned with punches. Tag to Grand Master
Sexay - following another dance, an open gutshot. Still on him with
punches - Edge fighting back, but there's a blind tag. Sexay slides under
- double backdrop - but Edge lands on his feet and surprises Too Cool with
a double DDT. Into the corner, Sexay gains control, whip into the
opposite corner, up and over the top - hairpull takedown - climbing to the
top, nice missile dropkick - cover - out at 2. Christopher to the face,
tossing Edge over the top rope - calling over his partner. They pick him
up and make a wish with the ringpost landing on a sensitive body part.
Christopher rolling him back in - now to the top rope. Double sledge
meets the boots, though. Christian looking for the tag - got it. Taylor
in, Taylor down. Christian's a HOUSE ON FIRE! Spinning heel kick misses
Christopher, though - double whip, Christian counters a double flapjack
with another double DDT - Taylor barely kicks out. Now all four men in -
Christopher, Edge, and referee "Blind" Mike Chioda all on the outside.
Meanwhile, Christian hits the Tomokaze - but there's no ref. Sexay with
the Tennesse Jam to the back of Christian's head, then putting his partner
on top. Chioda back in - 1, 2, 3. (4:15) Edge, being a poor loser,
dumps both men over the top to the floor so HIS music can play. Well,
that's a great example for the kids.
TONIGHT: The Rock takes on the Big Bossman in a return bout!
Sergeant Slaughter's returned - Hunter refuses to come to his office, and
demands that Vince go to him. Vince says "You tell him - I'll be right
there."
WOW! NEW LUGZ AD!!
WrestleMania 2000 brings you the WWF Slam of the Week - Triple H's pieface
on Vince McMahon, followed by Helmsley's
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" on McMahon.
Vince, Shane, Test, and Slaughter barge into the DX dressing room.
McMahon reminds Triple H that he's not the Champ anymore. Beating up
Patterson and Brisco - this crap's gonna stop - not tonight - not any
night. H once again says not to make this personal - Vince says it
already is.
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST & CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE KURT ANGLE v. GANGREL
(with Luna Tunes and a burning ring o' far) - Lawler notes the plant from
RAW is also here tonight. Lockup, fireman's carry takeover from Angle,
into an armbar. Gangrel to his feet, right hands, takeover from Angle.
Crowd not exactly digging it. Angle out to grab THE STICK. "How could
you people sit here and degreade me? You mean to tell me that you would
prefer to cheer for a man who looks like a vampire...and I don't even KNOW
what THAT [Luna] is! ... You'd rather cheer for him than me - Kurt Angle -
the Olympic gold medalist! An American hero! I'm an American hero! I'm
the WWF's most celebrated REAL athlete!" He gets back in the ring and
Gangrel WAILS on him. Hot shot across the top rope. Scoop - and a slam.
Off the ropes with an elbowdrop - cover - kickout. Off the ropes again,
reversed, belly-to-belly suplex. Off the ropes, nice powerslam, crowd
booing. Gangrel fires back with punches, whip inot the ropes, Angle ducks
and hits that modified fireman's carry (or whatever we're gonna call it)
for the pinfall. (2:34) Hear me: I like this kid.
Test is playing his N64 while Stephanie opens a wedding gift (and wants
him to pay attention). It's - a BOWL!
Meanwhile, DX plots - and the plot thickens...
Next week on "the Strip" that Ivory & Godfather episode we've all been
hearing about - I'm personally guessing I'll sleep while it's on - sorry
UPN
When we come back, Stephanie is still opening gifts - and Test is still
playing videogames. Stephanie finds a stuffed frog and a note - "your
gift's waiting in the limo, so hop to it." Test actually TEARS HIMSELF
away from that videogame, saying he'll go get it. We follow Test all the
way outside - and good thing, too, as DX is waiting outside in ambush. I
hope Stephanie isn't watching this on a monitor! Oh, wait, the N64 is
pre-empting that. Okay. Test stuffed into the trunk of a car - Mr. Ass
takes the wheel and drives off. Triple H mutters "Hope that wasn't too
personal..." Did X-Pac say "what a rush?"
GODFATHER (with six - no, three ho's) v. BRITISH BULLDOG for the European
Championship - strange to see Bulldog without the Posse...did I just SAY
that? Shoot me! Godfather (who is a fun loving guy who loves to have
fun) says he ain't offering the ho's this time since LAST time Bulldog
jumped him behind his back. There'll be a spanking tonight - when he goes
back to his hotel room, he'll be spanking his monkey! Godfather's fists
of fire as we start. A missed legdrop turns the tide, however. Bulldog
punching away - off the ropes with a lariat. The ho's are worried. Scoop
- and a slam. Ahh, HERE'S the MEAN STREET POSSE as Bulldog headbutts
Godfather in the corner. The Posse flash the cash - and the Ho's give a
tableless table dance. Godfather coming back with a clothesline. In the
corner - Godfather kicking away - but now he sees what's happening and
leaves the ring. But first, Godfather is distracted by that sign guy - as
Godfather grabs the sign, the Posse strikes. Of course, this whole time,
referee "Blind" Tim White is admonishing British Bulldog in the ring, and
keeping his back to the action outside the ring. Back in the ring -
there's the pinfall (2:05). Replay gives us a second good look at that
guy - I guess he isn't Scott Dickenson (that was MY uneducated guess -
hey, have YOU seen him on Nitro lately?) - he kinda looks like Mike
Koechner from SNL, if you remember THAT guy - but he isn't. Anyway, he's
got that finger waggle down pat - and here's your 3-on-1 beatdown again.
Oh yeah, after the match, the Posse lifts the bills they offered the ho's
- now THAT'S fiscal responsibility!
Vince and Shane have some major words with DX as we cut back - then
Stephanie tries to let loose with the fists. Shane holds her back as
Vince says he's calling the cops.
Hey, that Beastie Boys ad is pretty cool, too. Have I ever bragged to you
that I got a "Rock Hard" 12" single for $2 used? Don't you think I'm COOL
now? Come ON! I'm talking about MYSELF here! I can talk about my choice
of religion if you think it'll help...
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week! Thank you Lugz, for giving us the Big
Show chokeslamming the entire Mean Street Posse - but not the Bulldog -
well, at least in replay form.
Backstage, Tori enjoys a beverage - then Viscera hits on her. X-Pac's a
little guy - but he's a BIG guy. Kane flies into the picture and whomps
away - jealous bastard, ain't he?
WrestleMania 2000 (available tomorrow!), WWF: The Music (Volume 4), and
Lego Mindstorms bring you tonight's episode of SMACKDOWN!
HARDCORE HOLLY (with Crash & Scale Holly) v. WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW for the
WWF Championship - you know, feeding a steady diet of midcarders to the
Champion isn't exactly the sort of strategy that's warmed us up to folks
in the past - remember Goldberg v. Al Greene as a Nitro main event? I'm
just saying is all. Those on-site reports say the Show has a Giant pop
(ha) - but it doesn't come across on TV. Holly with the point onto the
chest. That's about the extent of his offense - until Crash comes in to
help. I'm actually more interested in the dude wearing the giant frog's
head than this match - is that bad? Holly does get off the Best Dropkick
in the Business - but it has little effect. Okay, big pop for
ahhhhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM. 1, 2, 3 (1:31) as Crash tries to break up the
pin - referee "Blind" Chad Patten (see how big this title match is? They
put the most junior ref on it) keeps counting. - Show deals with Crash,
but now BIG BOSSMAN is in and he's got a Big Stick. Bossman strikes -
then leaves. Show slowly shrugs it off and collects his belt.
Outside, Vince, Shane, and Stephanie collect Test from the trunk of a car.
Sounds like he's broken his nose. It looks like the same nose he broke a
week ago!
Here's the first look at the WrestleMania 2000 ad. I can't WAIT to see it
another couple THOUSAND times!!
Hey, you're still watching UPN!
When we come back, Shane is acting angry. Test shrugs off a hospital
stay. Vince says he's going to arrange for security to make sure this
doesn't happen again...tonight or ever.
VISCERA v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Tori) - Let Us
Take You Back to Earlier Tonight When Kane Overreacted Severely. Tori
stays back on the entrance ramp - doing her Kimberly impersonation there.
Here's a public service for EVERY online columnist out there. In the WWF,
it's T-O-R-I. In WCW, she's T-O-R-R-I-E. Got it? Sheesh. How hard can
that be? Lawler asks us to notice that Tori is clad in red and black -
just like a guy in this match. Yowza, Samoan Drop on the floor! This
brings Tori down to her man - Viscera is on Tori - "You wanna be my ho?"
Now brandishing his tongue - but before he can plant the Greco-Roman
liplock on her, Kane is back up - and he's a man on a mission! Err, wait,
that's that OTHER guy. In the ring - top rope flying clothesline. Big
loogie from Viscera! Chokeslam from Kane! Thank you, drive through.
(2:02) Tori bounces happily for our benefit. Looking at her cleavage,
I'm happy that I'm directed away from her face.
Triple H, all smiles, knocks on the door marked "Mr. McMahon." Triple H
says he's here to bury the hatchet - and to prove he's serious, he has a
wedding present for the happy couple - it's a catcher's mask with a bow.
Vince hurls it across the room and slams the door in H's face. H snickers
and walks off.
WWF Slam Cam ad. "Awesome!"
The TV-14-DLV welcomes us back with Jim Ross on the phone with some
Detroit police. Any further questions, they may wish to just talk to his
attorney. As far as Lawler goes, he's a grade-A, restaurant quality ass.
And that's with two esses!
Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Lawler
says Ross knows more than he's letting on...
Let Us Take You Back to Sunday where the Rock's stolen rental car ran down
Steve Austin.
Vince says he never thought it'd come to this - but he positions the three
police officers outside his door. No one is to come through the door
unless their last name is McMahon.
IVORY (no entrance) v. JACQUELINE (no entrance) v. LUNA (no entrance) in a
hardcore triple threat match for the Women's Championship - KBHK gives me
the crawl one more time - I can't WAIT until the Cow Palace show so they
stop doing this.Oh boy, a MOP! Don't fool yourself - ain't no wrestling
here. Now we're backstage. Into the wall, into the ...women's dressing
room! Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas is too embarrassed to enter - Luna
throws him in. Something broken over Ivory's head. Hey, it's Miss Kitty
and Lilian Garcia! Now we're out to the concession stand. Oooh, the
dreaded CARDBOARD BOX! That's GOTTA hurt! Popcorn - equally painful.
Lawler offers "that salt can burn your eyes" - nice try. The deadly BOX
OF STRAWS! The SODA! And now they're in the restroom - oops, it's the
men's room - complete with two guys pissin'. Ivory seems a little taken
aback that she's broken the fourth wall. Taking out the cameraman, she
finds the other two back at the concession stand. And now they're in the
food prep area. There's a tray of pretzels. Coincidentally, THIS *MATCH*
IS THE PRETZELS! Somewhere in here, Ivory pins Jacqueline. Can I be
bothered to share the details? Listen, I love you UK guys, but I can't be
bothered. (4:34)
Here's a shot of the cops ... standing in front of an exciting door!
Here are the ... "highlights" ... of Al Snow and Mankind's Vegas Invasion.
I saw most of these last night as UPN bumpers 'cause I'm kind of a sucker
for "7 Days" and end up with the dial on UPN all night Wednesday - from
the Simpsons at 6 through to the end of "Voyager" at 10. Hell, I'm
usually doing up the letters page anyway so it's not like I'm ACTIVELY
WATCHING what's on. Hey, wait, why am I explaining myself to you?
NEITHER of us cares! What is this, a show recap or a FREAKIN' CRZ
SHOWCASE? WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM?
Whoops, sorry. Don't know where THAT came from.
And now here are some more "highlights" from the UPN Vegas Excursion.
This cross-promotion is brought to you by "Dilbert" - it ain't the lowest
rated show on network television for NOTHIN'!
Here's another look at your hosts. Well that was a bit of fun - but now
we must turn gravely serious. Let Us Take You Back to Monday, where Chris
Jericho took a walk on the dark side and invited us along for the ride.
SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - Chyna had surgery
to reconstruct her shattered thumb, we are told. Henry has the stick!
"There's not many things that I hate - but one of those things is a
woman-beater. Chyna and I have an illustrious past. Breakin' her thumb
means I'm kickin' your ass!" I guess that's an edited version of Henry's
poetry? Jericho sure sounds like he's still getting cheers. Chyna's not
going to press charges - well, thank GOD. "Mike Henry, I can't believe
you would be so stupid as to stand up for that loser Chyna's honour. All
she had to do was admit to me that I was the better performer at Survivor
Series - that *I* should be the Intercontinental champion - but she
didn't, and let's say - well, she won't be doing any hitchhiking soon.
But Chyna, look on the bright side - when you go to the manicurist, you
can get that 'no thumb' discount - but most importantly, you know who the
better MAN is." Henry tries to get first strike as Jericho enters, but
doesn't. Off the ropes, Henry with a counter to the (rana?) - a
powerbomb. Into the corner - but the avalanche misses. Jericho with a
bulldog. Lionsault! 1, 2...3?!? Holy CRAP! (:43) Jericho asks referee
"Blind" Teddy Long to raise his hand - twice. Jericho is LANGUISHING in
the midcard! He should have beaten Henry in TWENTY SECONDS!! It's just
so UNFAIR!
D-Von Dudley is on the phone...with...well, we'd assume the Detroit cops.
Buh Buh Ray with some "hilarious" stuttering. He doesn't even know how to
dr-dr-dr-dr-dr....drive!
The New Age Outalws are WALKING! A tag team title match is NEXT!
Hey, haven't had that disclaimer for a while...
Right about here my VCR crapped out for the night, so from here on in you
only get what I put down live from me. Oops, my secret is out. I usually
go back in and fill in the blanks later. Damn!
"WrestleMania 2000" ad #2
LILIAN GARCIA interviews the Rock. He smells it, and I have to rely on a
paraphrase with no record to fall back on...fortunatley, I type pretty
fast. "Finally, the Rock has come back to Cincinnati! Big Bossman, the
Rock says this: last week, Monday Night RAW, did you beat the Rock?
You're damn right you did. Did you beat the Rock by yourself? You're
damn right you didn't! So now you're the #1 Contender for the WWF title.
(golf clap) [pause for "Rock E" chant] Bossman, Bossman, the Rock says the
he knows in time he will be the WWF Champion. And the Rock's People know
that in due time, the Rock'll be, without a shadow of a doubt, the BEST
WWF Champion there ever was. So the Rock says, Bossman, you can HAVE your
#1 contendership...the Rock has the title in which you, or no one else
could ever, ever have, and that is the title of being the People's
Champion. So Bossman, having said that, the Rock is going to go out on
SmackDown, the Rock's show, and as sure as the Rock has the recognised
symbol of greatness tattooed on his arm - the Brahma Bull - the Rock will
layeth the smacketh down on your candyass...[pause - robot moves]...if ya
smellllllalalalalalalalowwwww what the Rock [robot moves - eyebrow] is
cookin'."
MechWarrior 3 presents WWF Armageddon - coming SOON!
HARDY BOYZ (with Terri Runnels) v. NEW AGE OUTLAWS for the tag team
championship - now's as good a time as any to note that the OvalTron is on
the right tonight. Who had 85 minutes in the weekly pool? The Hardyz are
nice enough to wait for Dogg and Ass to do their shtick - until they
mention their momma - you just shouldn't do that. Again I have to weakly
offer up that I didn't get this on tape, because I skip ahead in the
play-by-play to the Double Feature of Matt's high-risk manoeuvre over the
top rope. Now back in the ring, Dogg chops the crotch and Jeff takes
offense. Off the ropes, Dogg ducks and punches and dances (right, right,
right, juke, jive, left) and there's the wiggly wobbly wookiely kneedrop
for 2. Tag to Ass - double shot into the ropes, duck, double clothesline
from Jeff. One more double move from Jeff and all three men are down.
Matt awaiting the tag - Ass holding Jeff's foot as he lunges - but Jeff
leaps - HOT TAG! MATT HARDY IS COOKIN' WITH GAS! Punch, backdrop, all
fours leg lariat in one corner - but the all fours move in the opposite
corner ends up hitting referee "Blind" Tim White instead. Outside the
ring, Matt has Ass up for a barricade clothesline from Jeff, yowch! In
the ring with the Dogg - top rope legdrop with a 'twixt the legs legdrop.
Set up for the sentonbomb - which hits. Now the stereo headbutts - sorry,
headbutt/legdrop combo from opposite corners - Jeff trying to revive White
but X-PAC is out and kicking away. Jeff taken to the STEEL steps. Matt
covering Dogg as White FINALLY comes to - slooooooooow
1.........2......Ass pulls White back to the apron. While it looks like
he calls for the bell for a DQ, he doesn't - but while this is going on,
X-Pac is in from behind with the X-Factor - White now turns around and
sees Dogg covering Matt - another slow count - 1.......2........3.
Outlaws steal the win and keep the titles. (4:50)
Let Us Take You Back One Week For Arnold Highlights. I'm probably the
only person who cares that Vince is giving Arnold a recycled, obsolete
belt and probably saving a chunka change in the process. Replay of the
Mazzola interview from RAW. I saw Schwarzenegger on "Access Hollywood" a
few days back - you know he actually BELIEVES 500 million people worldwide
are going to eventually see him. And who knows, maybe he's right.
MARISSA MAZZOLA interviews GABRIEL BYRNE, who, in one of the more surreal
moments I've seen lately *cuts a promo in character*. Something about
Kane and Undertaker and Satan and "End of Days" or
something...just...strange. Now here's some new Arnold soundbites and
still more clips from "End of Days," a movie with such a large promotional
budget that they can afford some REALLY REALLY CRAPPY java ads to further
stink up WrestleLine and find yet another reason to make me proud to be
affiliated with the Franchise.
Back in the locker room, Shane, Vince and Stephanie smell something
burning - Test, of course, has a broken nose and can't smell anything.
NO! NOT AN AD BREAK NOW! WHAT'S BURNING?!?
Next week - a SPECIAL edition of SmackDown! What's special about it?
WE'RE ALL TAKING THE WEEK OFF FOR THANKSGIVING! Don't worry - we'll find
some non-holiday-havin' Canadians to edit copy for this site that weekend.
The sounds of choking coughing - and the sight of smoke brings four
figures out of Mr. McMahon's office...but what's on fire?
BIG BOSSMAN (with Prince Albert) v. LA ROCA - check that, apparently
Stephanie did NOT emerge from the office. Our two heel friends sport
rather prominent bandages from the brutal beating the Rock gave them to
close out Monday's show. I'm assuming this is a non-hardcore, nontitle
bout - someone will tell me if I'm wrong, I'm sure. Cole says Monday we
saw a side of the Rock that he hopes we never see again. That probably
makes you go "Hmmmm." Rock starts out with rights. Into the corner -
into the opposite corner, Bossman slides outside the ring as the crowd
chants "Rock E." Rock outside with a clothesline. Head to the barricade.
Head to the STEEL steps. Trying to open him up again? Back in the ring as
we see Albert brandish the nightstick. Bossman stomping away as Rock
comes back in second. Right hand. Right. Head to the buckle - sorta.
Choke. Off the ropes, head down, face plant from the Rock. Rock ducks a
right and hits a backdrop suplex for 2. Loogie right, stomp, off the
ropes, is reversed, ducked, Bossman tries a piledriver, but Rock hits a
backdrop. Off the ropes, Bossman counters with a spinebuster for 2. Rock
tossed out of the ring. Albert with some uppercuts while referee "Blind"
Earl Hebner discusses stock options with Bossman. Back in the ring, scoop
- and a slam. Bossman to the second rope - Rock with a kick as he comes
down - DDT - 2. Right hand, right, right, right, right, hand signal for
the Ref, kick, whip is held on by the Bossman - into the Rock Bottom
attempt - but Bossman slides out of it. Albert tosses him the nightstick
- but Rock ducks the swing and DOES hit the Rock Bottom uranage. 1, 2, 3.
(3:08) Albert in to beat up on the Rock - here's WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW
to make the save. Huh?!? AhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM for Albert. Bossman
takes off, Albert with him and Big Show follows. Now the HOLLYS are out
for no apparent reason - ahhh, WTF?!? Both men taste Rock Bottom. Send
'em home happy, Vince! Play the Rock's music! Quick, get out before
someone questions what just happened!
"The Strip" ad #2
Damn, is it just me or are there a LOT of matches tonight? I sure hope we
get one o' them ten minute interview segments to close this show to
balance things out!
TREBLE H is out. Oh boy, MY WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED!! Apparently,
Stephanie's okay - and there was apparently another exit to the office ALL
THIS TIME. One with no cops, I'm guessing. Back up the truck through
that plot hole - thanks. Backstage, Vince says he KNOWS the DX and Triple
H had something to do with this. Vince asks the cops to escort his son,
daughter, and future son-in-law to the car. They say the cops should
stick with Vince - they'll make sure Stephanie's protected. Vince complies
with this because HE'S JUST THAT DUMB. Paraphrasing Triple H: "You know
this whole thing started out as business. It was plain and simple -
business - that's it. I busted my ass to get what I wanted. I became the
World Wrestling Federation champion through determination, blood, sweat,
tears - all mine - to become - [pause for "asshole" chant] - I was the
World Wrestling Federation champion! But that burned a hole in Vince
McMahon - it ate him alive - because after all, y'know I wasn't one of
Vince's 'boys' - I did it on my own - without his help - and that burned
his ass, bad. So it came down to Survivor Series - where Vince McMahon
SCREWED ME. Vince McMahon stole from ME. Vince McMahon committed a crime
against me PERSONALLY. PERSONALLY - which left me with no choice but to
have DX get personal with Vince McMahon. So then what you have is what
happened tonight. We got personal with Vince McMahon's whole damn family,
which leaves only one thing left to do...and that is for Vince McMahon to
take the walk down to the ring to get face-to-face with me - to stand
man-to-man, eye-to-eye with me, and let me get personal with you. So
Vince, get your ass out here...NOW. Oh and Vince, this is between you and
me - this is *personal* - so leave the police out in the back and come out
here so we can deal with this PERSONALLY." "No Chance in Hell" plays and
here's BILLIONAIRE VINCE. I didn't get a good look at the video this
time, sorry. It's mostly just out of camera range for some reason. Vince
removes his jacket (!) but H says "Hold on, tough guy, I knew you wanted
to come out here all full of piss and vinegar, but if you touch me, I will
SUE your ass! I will SUE you for every red cent you've got in those
bulging pockets of yours, pal. Becuase I know what would happen. I would
beat your old, weathered, bad hair havin' ass...and tomorrow I would be
fired, right? Oh yeah, you'd fire my ass sure as the day is long. No,
what I propose is we're gonna do it another way - tomorrow you go back to
your office and you have that team of attorneys that you have work so
diligently at screwing everybody under the sun - you get those lawyers to
draw up some papers that state (at a specified date) that you and me will
meet in this very ring. Let's make this personal...and I do mean personal
as we possibly can get. So Vince, you draw up those papers and you get
them to me. Now, what that contract should also start is, Vince, that no
matter how bad I beat your ass - no matter how bad I stop you - you can do
NOTHING to me afterwards. I can not be fired, I can not be monetarily
attacked. No one from your family can do anything about it, no one from
your legal department can do anything about it...after I do the
inevitable, which is beat you THAT CLOSE to the edge of your life. And
Vince, it seems to me that the perfect date for such an event would
be...December...you've got a pay-per-view coming up, what's it
called...Armageddon? That's very fitting, Armageddon, that's your next
overhyped event, right? Well ...one more time, it will be done.
Whaddayasay, old man? Do we have a deal?" But we hear a scream and check
the OvalTron - it looks like Shane, Test and Stephanie are all at the
bottom of a flight of stairs. "That looks like your family, Vince!" The
sad part is Vince rolled up his sleeves for NOTHIN'! Also he didn't give
Triple H an answer...ah well, there's always Monday. Vince runs back to
the stairs as Triple H keeps laying it on. Credits are up - "Be careful,
Vince! Watch your step!" And with that, we're out.
Hey, wait - what was on fire?
Wait! Who drove the car that ran down Steve Austin? In terms of episodic
mystery, this ain't exactly "Who shot Peter Dallas" here, ya know? I
DON'T think you're going to sustain my interest with that through
Sweeps...now, that *sign carryin' guy*, on the other hand....
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net