teaser: Don't blame me - I voted for Alan Keyes
by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
I GET LETTERS: Longtime supporter Octavian writes: As a student of
psychology I really appreciate a good Jung/Freud joke. Yours wasn't bad
either.
Since we just had a Nitro Math lesson, I thought I'd offer some
psychology. The effort is *there* from WCW...though only minimally so.
Notice, for example, the changing of Nitro's ring ropes to red and
Thunder's to blue in hopes of benefiting from generalized association to
some other more popular wrestling product. The intent is there.
My concern, however, is that WCW's brain trust takes a very passive
approach with such "innovations." Rather than implementing a number of
changes and progressively altering current things according to crowd
reaction while adding new ones experimentally, I get the feeling the
people who make the big money in WCW are content to make a change to show
they're doing their job and just sit back and see if *that* was the magic
slipper to turn their pumpkin back into a stagecoach. In other words, I'm
not expecting to see any new "improvements" to be tested in WCW, what with
the newness of these colored ropes and all.
And rather than whine about the mathematical inaccuracies of a
commentator's assertions concerning the devastating power of the H-Bomb,
why not just pray every time that, just once, it actually DOES destroy
everything in a twenty foot radius. That's what I do.
Hey now, that wasn't WHINING. When I WHINE, you'll KNOW it, baby! Still,
another fine specimen of intellectual prowess - bravo.
WCW logo - it's all downhill from here
TV-PG-DLV Opening Credits closed captioned - huh, more Oklahoma than Hogan
in these credits, yup - hey, you know who appears in these credits as much
as Hogan - that is to say, not at all? That's right...THE WALL
LIGHT THE PYRO, baby - we are ON TAPE 8.3.2K (taped 7.3) from the Joel
Colesium in Winston-Salem, NC - home of Wake Forest - and I don't know
about the weather in YOUR neck of the woods, but on my television screen -
on TBS - there's definitely a strong chance of THUNDER!
CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) v. PSYCHOSIS (with de
Juice) - Champ enters first because tradition blows. Let Us Take You Back
to Monday where the Artists interrupted Psychosis' match - they don't
bother to mention the opponent, so I won't either. Hey, speaking of
things you heard Monday, let's hear Juventud Guerrera again: "Finally de
Juice is back in town, baby - and he's back in town because there's
millions and millions of Juice's fans all around the world - and they are
waiting for me - they are waiting for la vida loca - so tonight, like you
know, I'm gonna be the announcer, okay?" - Tenay protests but Guerrera
tries to win the crowd over by asking "who wants to live la vida loca?"
The crowd goes - well...I don't know. "Joo got something better than de
Juice?" Tenay says, why yes, we do...and out comes RAYMOND STEREO - hey!
Mysterio's back in the house! He comes out to "Psycho," so I guess
Konnan's still around, too... SOMEWHERE. Mysterio makes a politically
incorrect gesture towards Paisley on his way to the third headset, but you
can do that when you have job security, I guess. "After three knee
surgeries, but you know what? The faith is still with little Rey Rey -
the doctor's said three months; let's hope it's sooner." Mysterio says
that although the belt is on the line tonight, really it's still his. Rey
puts over Guerrera as well as Psychosis, and not the current champion -
ha! Psychosis commanding this match from before the bell - dropkick off
the top...2 count from referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. To the abdominal
stretch! Feel the crowd's energy! (Perhaps I'm exaggerating it.) Artist
breaks it up by pulling the referee into Psychosis - heads collide and
everybody's down but the champion. After his opponent lifts him up,
Psychosis goes behind, foot caught, Psychosis hits a victory roll, but
Robinson's out - so Guerrera comes in and counts three. Psychosis,
thinking he's won, breaks the hold and raises his arms. Robinson comes
to, calls for the bell and announces that he's actually DQ'ing Iaukea so
it didn't matter what happened after the collision. So Psychosis is still
the winner - but he doesn't get the belt. Everyone's confused, but the
truth is YOU CAN'T GET ACTION LIKE THIS ANYWHERE ELSE!! (DQ 3:00) The
music of the loser plays, because it's all about logic. It's gonna be one
of THOSE nights, eh?
This portion of Thunder is brought to you by Castrol GTX - DRIVE HARD!
Your commentary team is MIKE TENAY, BOBBY HEENAN and RAYMOND STEREO.
Tonight, graphic say: Jeff Jarrett and Vampiro in a return match for the
US title - I predict Vampiro will job! Also tonight, in a tag team
elimination match, the Mamalukes put it on the line against three other
teams: Harlem Heat, Billy Kidman & Booker, and the Harris Brothers! We'll
hear more from the Team Package situation, maybe, as well...Mysterio
offers his hand to Heenan one more time - and Heenan fakes him out. Even
Mysterio is impressed with my main man, the Brain, and his amazing moves
of heeldom.
Backstage, Bam Bam Bigelow and the Badlanders - ARRIVE! Bigelow tells
David Flair and Crowbar that he's really sorry about what's happened to
them, and it's his fault the Wall has become what he's become. BUT! He's
gonna try to make things right - TONIGHT!
Meanwhile, Total Package tells Ric Flair that Arn Anderson is dead weight.
He refers to "last night," forgetting they're on tape for the NEXT night.
Anyway, Flair says he'll get Arn Anderson out there tonight, and Anderson
WILL become a part of Team Package - 'cause he's a player!
THE DEMON v. IDOL (with Lane) - Demon has a bit of trouble emerging from
his casket - after-effects, perhaps, of the spot welding done by Those Two
Dudes? Tonight - WHEN "INSPIRED BY METAL" NAMES COLLIDE! Let Us Take You
Back to Monday for a microsecond of the welding, and a bit more of Demon
saving Smiley from the No-Names at Nitro. On his way to the ring with his
brother - they ARE still brothers, right? - Lane says, referring to a
comely young lass in the front row, "Now this is (a rat!)" and YOU tell
ME why ANYBODY would EVEN bother to mute the word "rat." Lane takes third
headset (oops, guess Mysterio was only out for the first segment) and says
"rizzat" (which doesn't get muted), then says that Miss Handcock won't be
interrupting the match tonight - sure enough, as MISS HANDCOCK comes out,
Lane takes her hand...and leads her away from the table. Back in the ring
to see Idol pounding on the Demon, gutshot, snap suplex - usually he holds
onto those for a triple - head to the buckle, into the opposite corner,
powerslam gets 2 from referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. Into the ropes,
reversed, Idol ducks and hits a nice DDT. Now Handcock is up on the apron
and beckoning to Idol with the finger. She plants the Greco-Roman liplock
on him! Idol is confused - and Demon comes up from behind to hit his
"Beth." And that's enough to keep Idol down for the count. (2:13) Of
course, Demon wins - he's the GOD OF THUNDER!! Post-match, Lane is in and
attacking from behind - there's Memory Lane! Tenay is THE MAN for
remembering to call the full-nelson slam that. DDT by Idol. Before this
post-match doubleteam can continue, out comes SCREAMIN' BLACK MAGIC, clad
in Wake Forest basketball jersey - a pair of clotheslines! Swoop slam on
Idol! He's ready to dance, but Lane punks him out from behind. Sent into
the corner - all fours assisted legwhip! Smiley's music plays - then they
realise he's out on his back, so they play Lane and Idol's instead. As
Idol and Lane start to bust some moves of their own, Tenay says it's time
to go to Mean Gene...
...who isn't with Curt Hennig. Oh well. Hennig displays some doctor's
orders - he can't wrestle tonight, but while the Total Package may get a
night off tonight, but he'll be ready Monday to expose Luger for what he
is - a jump back, cheap shot, nothing happening bodybuilder, who he's
gonna take out. I don't know about you, but I'm actually willing to give
this one a try - after all, we never got that whole WrestleMania X
situation resolved...REMEMBER?
Meanwhile, Bam Bam is WALKING! And repeatedly muttering "gotta make this
right...he's snapped..."
Buff Bagwell crusades against the evils of backyard wrestling.
Local spot for AT&T Cable hypes ECW Living Dangerously - SUNDAY SUNDAY
SUNDAY!
At UNcensored, the graphic tells us, the World's Heavyweight Title will be
at stake as "Reigning Champion" Sid Vicious takes on Jeff Jarrett!
Backstage, Jeff Jarrett asks the Harrisses how jail was. They lost two
days, but they're ready to take their revenge by grabbing some gold
tonight...
TRIPPA B is out. Man, is that arena DARK. Let Us Take You Back to Nitro
where Bigelow accosted Wall - and got punked out for his troubles. With
one punch, even! Let's listen in, shall we? "thank you, thank you.
Now, I'm not the type of person who comes out here and spills his guts -
I'm usually a man of action; I do most of my talking in the ring. But
lately, in the past week, things have been going down that I just can't -
I can't - I can't stomach it no more. First, awright, first let me bring
out two guys - (can I get some chairs up here please) - let me bring out
two guys who deserve a lot of credit - that are some of the toughest SOB's
in the company today!" The music fires up and the BADLANDERS limp out -
surprisingly, NOT carrying a flag and fife despite the characteristic
cartoonish stagger. Bigelow gives a look of concern and helps part the
ropes for Flair and Crowbar - and even for Daffney! Each man takes a
chair in the ring while Daffney stands behind them. "Crowbar - you came
out to have a match against a man that you would thought would be just a
match, but instead, to be grabbed by the throat and launched ten, twelve
feet in the air - to have your body smashed through the announcers table -
you're lucky you're alive. You could have ruined your career. And then
David, David Flair, sticks up for his partner, his buddy, he goes chest to
chest with a monster! To have the same result - to be grabbed by the neck
and n--be tossed up in the air and have his body smashed through two
tables! Thank God you're all right. But you see - naww, this is all my
fault! This is all my fault! I take the blame for all this, because I am
the one that broke the Wall into the business - I am responsible for
teaching him how to wrestle, for bringing him here into WCW...I am
responsible, you know, this is a man that I thought was my friend, hell,
he's the godfather of my youngest daughter! You guys are tough, man, and
- you know what, the Wall isn't man enough to come out here and apologise
so please - accept my apology - honest, this is all my fault. This is my
fault - I'm really sorry - somebody could have got hurt really bad, and I
apologise for that." So he bought his ticket to Germany, too? Anyway,
THE WALL is out, without music - into the ring, standing toe to toe with
Bigelow - wow! A right for Bigelow, and a clothesline to the floor. Then
he puts a boot to Crowbar on the chair (ha!) and a right hand for Flair.
He's outside - and now he's got a table! Bigelow's head is rammed into
the apron - Bigelow decides to get onto the apron - bad idea - Wall meets
him up there, and puts him in a choke - then (after an audible count to
three) chokeslams him through the table! Now going in the ring - Flair
brandishing his weapon, but Wall blocks the crowbar shot and headbutts him
- then he removes the neck brace and lays into him with a right. Crowbar
tries swinging the chair, but he's got no strength. HE eats a punch, then
a choke as his neck brace is wrenched off. Punching away - CHOKESLAM!
Flair out on the apron - got him in ANOTHER choke - pushed backwards into
Bigelow on the floor. Wall walks off. Play his music!
These "Truth" ads are kinda fun, actually - if you're my age, it's kinda
nostalgic - remember when we would try to figure out if an ad is fake or
not? Like that Energizer bunny would show up sooner or later...only HERE
it's people exploding instead. Pretty cool. And those ads are designed
by young adults just like you'n'me! Well....you, actually. I think I'm
too old to qualify. Sigh.
Superstar Video series ad. Mandalay hates me
TONIGHT: Jarrett vs. Vampiro! Second time for this graphic!
Castrol Motor Oily provides a replay of the Wall - doing that stuff he did
three paragraphs ago
Back to real time - Flair and Crowbar are loaded up by the EMT's. The
problem with all this is that they peaked with the first chokeslam of
Crowbar - the way to build around spots is that each spot looks better
than the last, and not the reverse - you know? Possibly coincidentally,
the best spot in TONIGHT'S segment was the chokeslam...of Crowbar.
Hulk Hogan provides pre-recorded comments - it's really VERY embarrassing
for him as he screams "whatcha gonna do" over and over while strapping the
floor. Do you suppose Hogan ever WATCHES himself? Of course, he shows no
effects of the broken, yet castless, arm while using the strap. Sigh.
THE 'STRO (with Symphony) v. THE CAT (with Funk On Ah Roll) - Maestro has
his "haven't slept in a week" hairdo. The music guy tries to stop 'stro
from speaking, but Cat's music cuts off so Maestro DOES get to call
himself "'stro" for my benefit and for an encore predict a swift victory,
or something. That annoying, NOISY logo flies in and reminds us all that
"UNcensored DAYS UNTIL 11!" Cat uses devious means as well as
surreptitious chokes with the red slipper to gain the control, despite
apparently being the face in this matchup, but the tide is turned when a
pop'n'lock elbowdrop misses. Terribly ugly backdrop attempt sees 'stro
fall flat on his face instead of flipping over. Cat steals the boombox
from Symphony and breaks it over the Maestro's head - and since Maestro
shoved him into the ropes, referee "Blind" Nick Patrick ends up staring
off into the crowd with his back to the action here - ugh. 1, 2, 3.
(1:30) Cat dances, while Maestro glowers at his valet...
Backstage, Vampiro prowls, then flings an empty Gatorade cooler, swipes at
some cups, and THEN - oh man, are you ready for this? He
says......NOTHING! THIS MAN IS A SUPERSTAR!
WOW!
Friday, be first in line to buy tickets for WCW Chattanooga, Huntsville,
and Denver for Nitro! Saturday, tix go on sale for Colorado Springs for
Thunder, and Sioux Falls! Checking out their schedule, it appears that
WCW is (wisely) not returning to California until at least July...poor me!
Lucky YOU!
They've played this Finish Line commercial like three times this hour -
ENOUGH!
Jimmy Barron files the same 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report he filed on Monday
- what a cheap AND LAZY bastard. Hyatte, I expect you to attend Nitro
(for free, mind you) and TAKE A FUN SIGN else I'll have nothing to talk
about!! Hey, you think they'll visit the Friendly Tap during Nitro? Nah,
me neither
At UNcensored, the graphic says Dustin Rhodes vs .Terry Funk. But my
heart says "time to go to the bathroom, then fix a snack! Better wash my
hands between the toilet and the stove!"
Backstage, Vampiro gets one more chance - and this time, he speaks! He's
*not* a freak, BUT THEY'VE GOT HIM TRAPPED IN THE CELLAR LIKE A RAT IN A
CAAAAAAGE! He barely avoids repeatedly running into the TV-PG-DLV ratings
box - is Jarrett worried that he sees himself in hiiiiiiiiiiiiim? Huh?
Also, he's apparently got Fit Finlay, no holds barred, at UNcensored.
Vampiro closes by saying something about hell - I feel you, yo. I feel
you.
GENE O. works tonight! He stands with Lash LeRoux, who's just happy to be
here. After sucking up to the fans, Dustin Rhodes makes a shocking
appearance and FLATTENS him.
They wander out and meet referee "Blind" Charles Robinson on the way down
the aisle - I guess this is now an "unscheduled" match...
LASH LeROUX v. DUSTIN RHODES - Tenay says it isn't on his format, but I
bet that deep down, it is, really. LeRoux manages to come back with a
crossbody for 2, right, right, off the ropes, big back body drop, right,
Six Punch Count Along in the corner, but as he turns to Robinson, Rhodes
goes down low to turn the momentum. Big beal, right, into the corner
hard, into the opposite corner, the bulldog, and the pin. (1:10)
Post-match, TERRY FUNK comes out, swinging - a frozen chicken. We need
Jim Ross here - "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!" Funk wraps his fist in the
chicken and hits a salmonella left (feel free to steal that one, Mr.
Icon). Funk gets muted several times - now Rhodes comes back with - yup -
a Golota - boot to the head, pound, right, kick, RHODES ELBOWDROPS THE
CHICKEN! Now swinging the chicken - roundhouse drumstick, shake and bake
right cross, right hand with the Colonel's Secret Blend of Eleven Herbs
and Spices - now they're outside the ring and brawling out through the
crowd. Just as it gets interesting (Funk ripping apart the fence of the
bleachers), the director decides we'd rather see
Team Package - is - WALKING!
Later tonight: third time for the graphic!
And now it's time for the THUNDER RINGSIDE RELEASE! TBS Superstation
presents a SuperStation Original Movie - WOW! Ernie Hudson AND Jack
Wagner! "Allllllll IIIIIIIII neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed..." c'mon, sing it with
me! "is just a little more time / to be sure / what I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel /
isn't all in my mind / 'cause it SEEMS so hard to be lieeeeeeeeeeve / that
you're all I-I ne-ee-eed" "Nowhere to Land" - heh, shoulda called it
"Nowhere to Find a Viewer"
Oh, and BY THE WAY...did that brawl with the chicken make you more likely
to want to *pay money* to see Funk and Rhodes at UNcensored? Hey, Greg,
you think we should stop joking about it - because THIS could be the
escalation to a "turkey on a pole" match that we've been worried about?
Hah? THINK ABOUT IT.
At UNcensored, the graphic tells us that we'll get Hulk Hogan vs. Ric
Flair!
Out come TEAM PACKAGE - and while they traverse the aisle, we take a
Special Video Look at them instead of seeing them hit the ring. Why?
'cause they had the clip, I guess. Who wants to stare at Elizabeth's
headlights in that - mmm - yellow top - yeah, go ahead and show me Hogan's
arm getting broken again instead of that. Clip's over, we seem them in
the ring when we come back. Flair is ready ... to speak! "Ahhh,
Winston-Salem! Tar'd, tar'd old Winston-Salem - I'd like you to all stand
at attention tonight, recognise the fact that Team Package has been
formed. And whether you like it or you don't like it, learn to love it -
you too, fat boy - because, as you can see, wooo! it's the best thing
going today. We know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Package will
destroy Sting at UNcensored. We know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that
the Nature Boy will destroy Hulkamania once and forever. But the crux of
this evening's interview is my attempt to make an apology to the greatest
physical specimen in sports today. Arn Anderson, Double A, I would like
you to come out here, subservient one more time to the Nature Boy,
apologise for making me look bad, and tell the Package you're - with -
Team Package - and you shut up, fat boy. Double A - Double A, will you
please come out here and tell the Total Package that you are a player,
you're ready to rock and roll? Aw, thank God - come in here! Come on -
you were making me look bad, now get in and shake hands, willy? Told ya -
told ya he'd come out. Thank you very much." ARN ANDERSON *is* out and
in the ring. "Let me start off here, ah, Ric, by ...clearing out
something - did you say out here 'subservient' to you? See, I - I've
stood beside you so long, that maybe I forgot to stand up to ya - I'm not
subservient to anybody...let's get that started right out of the chute.
Now, there's some familiar faces for both you and I, so let's don't talk
AT these people, let's just talk TO 'em, and each other, 'cause this is,
after all, about you and I...not him and her...idn't it?" "You don't want
to just shake hands and jump over here - there's nothing to talk about!
You gonna do what I ask you to do 'cause you're my friend - my best
friend. You're gonna come over here and prove I'm not a liar! Now shake
his hand, dammit. Don't make a fool outta me!" "Well, governor, it - it
kinda goes like this. You ARE my best friend, and you brought me out
here, so I'm gonna say a few things to you that you might not like, but
you're gonna hear me out - this time. You see, Ric Flair, you got a 21
year old son, and maybe that doedn't matter to you, but Monday night was
his 21st birthday. Now, you and I have up and down these roads, and we've
been to towns just like this for the last fifteen years. You live in a
million and a half dollar house, ya got two Mercedes, ya got boats, ya got
motorcycles, ya got a bunch of money in the bank, ya got a closet full of
the the finest clothes that money can buy, but the reality of it is, Ric -
you and I are not very good fathers, and we're not very good husbands,
'cause last year, 200 of those days, we were up and down these roads. But
you got a chance with David, who's with you each and every day ...to be a
father, because you see, three years ago this ended for me - it's over for
me! It's OVER. And it's gonna be over for you soon - guys like David are
just beginning. For him to get half killed Monday night - you not to make
a move - again tonight - not to make a move - do you realise the pressure
that he's under alone, just being your kid? How would you like to be Ric
Flair's kid, the finest wrestler that ever lived, much less the strongest
personality that's walking these streets - you realise what a pressure
position he's under? Listen to 'em, Ric - they love ya! I've spent a
lifetime idolising ya, but now I'm not standing beside ya - I'm standing
up to you because, you know why? David can't. Now you got Luger standing
beside you, who we've known for a long time - Luger was a Horseman -
Luger's always been an egomanic, it doesn't detract from what he is...he's
one of the finest wrestlers alive. We know that! I know that. Everybody
in the back knows that. But the fact is - Luger cares about Luger. It
doesn't matter about David - it doesn't about you, even matter about you,
Ric - it's about Luger and Team Package - it's not Team Flair, it's Team
Package! You ever think about that? Team Package. You're Ric Flair, by
God! You understand what I'm saying to you? You're Ric Flair! And David
Flair is your son. Don't give him a handout, Ric, give him a hand up. Be
a man...be a father!" "You know what really hurts about this deal? Did
you read the foreword on your book? Did you read what I told the world?
My best friend - that's between you and me! They don't need to know what
goes on in our private life - that's you and me! And here's the
difference - you decided to go home - on a private conversation with me
one night, and raise your little boy. Me - I wanna ride the Lear jet! I
wanna hang around Luger - I wanna stay all night _ I don't wanna go home -
I've raised - four kids! I'm DONE being Daddy! I wanna ride fast again.
I tried slowin' down - when I slowed down, this company kicked me in the
ass - right in the ass. So, to this company, and to you, I say...in your
words, Ric Flair has strapped his jet-pack back on and I'm goin' all the
way - and if it's with Team Package...forget about David! God, you're
right - he IS my son! And you know what? He's had the world by the ass
for 21 years... now he's gotta, what do you call it - (suck up), stand up,
be a man - me, I'm going with the Package, and YOU - as my friend -
telling you - walk over here right now, and don't make me look bad!
You're making me mad. ... You're Double A! Don't go home and be Daddy
anymore! Be the Enforcer! Be Double A! C'mon! Show 'im - I told 'im -
show 'im! You're Double A - shut up, dammit! That's Double A! ...
You're Double A!" "Here's the reality - you bet your backside, I'm Double
A and I got maybe one or two good fights left in me...but the fact is,
Ric, I'm reserving those fights for when I select 'em because, in the good
old days, I'd have walked right over Luger to get to a better fight...you
understand what I'm saying?" He backs up, Ric is audibly pleading.
"Naitch, you promised you'd deliver Double A. I see his lips movin', but
all I see coming out is a buncha misty-eyed gibberish! And there's no
room in that for you and I and Elizabeth - where we're going - but - I'm
giving it - ONE - MORE CHANCE. Because I'm gonna be there Monday night -
to take out - (removes shirt) to take out Curt Hennig - once and for all
[at this point, a "Luger sucks" chant is overdubbed - Jesus, WCW] - but
Naitch - this is two strikes - three strikes, he's out - and as much as I
love ya, YOU'RE out. Monday night's decision time - do you run with this,
a Ferrari - or do you run with that, a broken-down pickup truck. You make
up your mind, I'm outta here." Luger and Elizabeth leave Flair in the
ring. He turns to Anderson. "You gotta make this right by Monday night,
dammit - you gotta make this right! I wanna be part of Team Package -
you're my best friend - you make it right for me! God only knows I've
made it right for you your whole life. And you all - you know what you
can do? Shut up punk! I wanna be part of Team Package! Double A, make
it right by Monday night, I wanna be - part - of - Team Package, dammit!
... Double A! DO not walk away..."
Two things here. One, muting Flair saying "you gotta suck up" is yet
ANOTHER example of a lame policy being taken to the point of absurdity.
It's at the level of having to say "international object" because Turner
banned the word "foreign." The other thing is the fact that they fixate
on the word "suck" to begin with. If Luger gets the crowd to chant "Luger
sucks," then *he's doing the right thing.* Don't *discourage* it already.
I know I said this last week - I'm gonna KEEP saying it until somebody
gets it through their THICK HEADS. **PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ON TELEVISION
IS NOT THE PLACE TO WORRY ABOUT STRICT MORALITY AND SOMETHING AS PIDDLY
NICKLE AND DIME AS THE USE OF THE WORD "SUCK."** Draw all the lines you
want, but you would think that somebody could have learned by now that
there is a point that's too far, that annoys the audience and causes them
to go elsewhere for their entertainment. You know? YOU KNOW? Am I
talking to myself here? (I could very well be - ha!) Okay, back to the
show
Fit Finlay is - WALKING! "Meng, I'm coming for ya!" But Vampiro flies
into the picture with a spear. Security comes out, but Vampiro punks THEM
out to get to Finlay. Security now manages to separate them - Finlay and
Meng are NEXT! (I predict - a runin!) Cast count: Three (Vampiro,
Finlay, Dillinja)
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, WCW Powerslam wrestlers,
Toaster Breaks pizza from Hot Pockets, Plus+White toothpaste, Ice Sport
from Aqua Velva, and Sauder furnituure!
TONIGHT: #4 for the graphic...
Outside, Elizabeth and Package load the limo, then contrive some dialogue
for us. "We'll find out Monday night!" All we needed was for Luger to
turn to you and I and say "8PM, ONLY ON TNT!"
THEMONSTERMENG (with Let Us Take You Back to Nitro) v. FIT FINLAY - During
Nitro, Meng was denied access to Tank Abbott, even though La Parka was
not. Meng squash despite the fact that you'd think Finlay would use his
cast as a weapon. Meng goes into his finishing dance for an awkwardly
long time while we wait for TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT to hit the ring and go
for Meng - out again comes the SECURITY, but they all fall by the wayside
as Abbott, Meng and then even Finlay do damage. Naturally, however,
Abbott's walked away by the time Meng is ready to find him again. (No
contest? about :40)
Let Us Take You Back To Last Week, where Kidman hit his tag team partner
Booker with a dropkick. WAS it an accident? (Well, yes, but don't let
that mar the progression of the storyline...)
Backstage, I SEE HEADLIGHTS! Booker tells Torrie that Kidman needs to
stay focused, now can u dig that - Kidman comes into the picture and
accuses Booker of trying to get Torrie to "pick sides." Well, hell, Billy
BETTER be worried. Once she goes black...you KNOW she'll NEVER go back!
Oh boy! Advance Auto Parts presents the WCW Motor Sports report! Blaise
Alexander did some shtick with Jeff Jarrett (WOW! HE SAID "SLAPNUTS!")
and then raced to an EXCITING! top twenty finish (that's code for "they
finished twentieth") Meanwhile, Wally Dallenbach didn't get a top
ANYTHING finish, thanks to a black flag - oooh, it doesn't pay to cheat!
Next week...YES! ANOTHER REPORT!
Last week on Saturday Night, the bes WCW program of the week - we saw the
Jung Dragons, Hail, Hugh Morrus and Hacksaw Jim Duggan! THIS WEEK: A
night of champions! Duggan once again with the TV title, Mamalukes for
the tag titles, The Acronym and Kidman for the Cruiserweight title,
Jarrett vs. the Demon for the US title (oops, I guess Vampiro DOES job
again, huh?), and...the return of Mona! (Against Little Jeanie, right?)
Anyway...you wanna know how long Duggan holds the TV title? Here's a hint
- AT LEAST until the SN taping coming up in Glens Falls 26 April...which,
strangely enough, is the last SN taping they've bothered to put on their
online calender...hmmm.....
Gene O. stands with the Mamalukes - err, Paisans. They talk loud and say
nothing. I haven't heard anybody say "clear" tonight, at least, so kudos
to the crew on that
MAMALUKES (with Disco Inferno) v. HARRIS BROS v. HARLEM HEAT (with J.
Biggs & Cash) v. BOOKA and BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) in an
elimination match for the tag team championship - Champs enter first
because it's a TRADITION - Let Us Take You Back to Monday - H Bomb! H
Bomb! Shove the cop! The Harrisses attack before the bell and a Pier
Four Brawl ensues - we look back to the entryway - nope, nothing. Oh,
wait, there's Harlem Heat - I guess Cassius (in the house) is simply
"Cash" now. Okay, it's a Pier Six now - we can bar that door now, Katie.
Biggs takes third headset and gives us a little Clarence Mason - I always
enjoyed that - I'll wonder aloud why he's not with the WWF. Now Booker is
out by himself - and he cleans house with ALL his trademark moves (except
the one he never does anymore) as everyone else in the ring attacks him
black ninja style - finally, the Mamalukes decide to attack more than one
at a time and they start to gain control. Kidman finally comes out last,
hits a shot to Inferno on the outside, and now it's a Pier EIGHT brawl in
the ring. The SHWOOOOOOM logo comes in again and makes me go dyslexic.
This is an "absolutely wild brawl," but it's finally down to one on one -
well, Booker on Harlem Heat - but Booker surprises Stevie Ray with a pin
after a miscommunication spot with Fat T and a side Russian legsweep
(3:19). Kidman is tagged in and as he and Johnny try a little mat
wrestling and flippy-flippy ... BECAUSE this segment was apparently booked
with the mindset that this title match would probably be JUST ANOTHER two
minute match, yet, they're still fighting....hell, we better take go ahead
and take an ad break!
When we come back, we find out that Kidman accidentallyl/intentionally hit
a Harlem sidekick on Kidman when Johnny ducked - one H Bomb later, Kidman
was eliminated by Ron Harris - we miss even MORE of the match checking out
replays. Disco Inferno has taken the third headset with Biggs out of the
picture - the Harrisses take Johnny "the Bull" apart with the help of the
good ol' double switch while Robinson spends all his time talking to Big
Vito. Big sidewalk slam on Johnny by Ron. Right hand, tag to Don. Off
the ropes - double back elbow - again Vito monopolises Robinson's
attention. Stomp, knee in the back, off the ropes, duck, spin kick by
Johnny! Will he make the tag? Are the Mamalukes faces? Both men make
the tag - but Vito's is a HOT tag so he's a HOUSE ON FIRE! Kicks for each
man - somebody gets muted - scoop slam - Vito climbs to the top - Savage
elbow - 1, 2, Don saves his brother. Disco Inferno doing his Shane-O Mac
impersonation on colour. Vito dumped on the outside - Johnny whipped into
the ropes - clothesline ducked - but not the H Bomb! As Robinson turns
his attention to the outside for no apparent reason, Inferno comes in and
waffles Harris with the title belt. Of course, Robinson turns around to
count the fall. (10:49?) Post-match, the Harrisses take some revenge by
getting an H Bomb on Disco Inferno...so their issue isn't settled yet!
Such a burning issue - CAN ONLY BE SETTLED - AT UNcensored!!!!!!! Johnny
is bleeding, so we quickly go to a long, lingering shot of the crowd...I
guess maybe he *did*!
Gene O. attempts to editorialise about the poor performance of the Harlem
Heat in the previous match - Stevie Ray comes in, interrupts and demands
it was a two count - then he goes on to tell Gene and the Championship
Committee that he wants Booker, Kidman and their "squakkin' yak" at
UNcensored. He talks all the way up to the break - good ol' Stevie Ray.
He ain't the DDT Digest mascot for nothin', folks!
"Beyond the Mat" ad in this set
"Positively Page" ad when we come back
Courtesy "The Late Late Show," Page reveals that the reason we haven't
seen him for about a month is that he has a couple ruptured disks (sure,
sure). Is it a telling quote when he says "I don't know if I WANT to come
back?" Well, now, my speculation would be something like...the ONLY
reason they'd play THAT cut as a clip - well, actually, there are two. 1)
This is part of the "twists and turns" that were promised for the
Page/Bagwell angle, or 2) this is WCW and they just don't KNOW that
playing that soundbite would be a NEGATIVE for the company - I guess it's
probably 50/50...sad, isn't it?
Let Us Take A Special Video Look at Jeff Jarrett - "Slapnuts" count in
this segment is - ah, hell, you KNOW I wasn't really paying attention -
sinister voiceovers of phrases like "smashing more guitars than the Who"
will do that to me. If you haven't heard...HEY! Jarrett and Vicious for
the title at UNcensored!
Gene O. stands with BRIAN KNOBS, who hypes up his Hardcore Gauntlet match
with 3 Count by way of a lot of screaming, and THEN...unleashes THE DOG
'pon our screens - HE'S RABID! HE'S RABID! HE'S - oh, wait, it's just an
Alka Seltzer trick
Jeff Jarrett is WALKING! Along with the NWO women. Jarrett makes a
special point of making sure they walk behind him by way of character
development
Meanwhile, Vampiro is also WALKING! I think he knocks something over, but
we don't see it
You know, if I don't see that graphic ONE MORE TIME, I swear I'm gonna
start going through some withdrawl here - aahhhhhhhhhh.....there it is
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Battle Arms (power to da
people!), Judge Wapner's sewing machine cash scam, Toaster Breaks pizza
from Hot Pockets (again), Ice Sport from Aqua Velva (again), and Mega-16
barely legal diet pills! Really, why's she holding onto that mayonnaise
jar? Does she just eat mayo straight from the jar, like Homer Simpson?
Hmm...Sunday, 19 March...UNcensored...or Kevin Spacey on "Inside the
Actor's Studio" on Bravo? That's a toughie
WCW Magazine ad - hey, Mikey Whipwreck!
We hear David Penzer hype up the crowd while Mike Tenay tells us that
tonight's close captioning has been brought to us by America (ha!) Online!
UNITED STATES HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with the
NWO Ladies - but probably not for long) v. VAMPIRO in a return match - Let
Us Take You Back to Last Week on Nitro where Vampiro jobbed in this same
matchup. Tenay tells us that he's just learned that Monday at Nitro, Hulk
Hogan AND Sting will be in Providence - oh man, that'll be SO great!
Jarrett asks the ladies if they want to flash Vampiro - GOOD LORD there
are SO MANY EMPTY SEATS in that shot. Needless to say, Jarrett says
there'll be no flashing and sends the women to the back - man, I *really*
thought that we were gonna see naked breasts tonight even as they refuse
to allow us to see or hear the word "suck" in any context! Hmm....come to
think of it, "suck" is generally the first thing to come to mind when you
think of WCW television programming...one of the women actually fakes
CRYING because she didn't get to bare her breasts - RIIIIIIIIGHT. We
start too close to the top of the hour...right, right, right, whip
reversed, but clothesline hits by Vampiro. Jarrett ducks a kick but not
the back spin kick followup. Cloteshline over the top - pescado by
Vampiro! FLYING NOISY UNcensored DAYS UNTIL 11 LOGO IS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN THIS MATCH - Outside the ring, Jarrett meets first the barricade,
then the commentary table - now we're back in the ring and Vampiro's
climbing - flying clothesline off the top by Vampiro - for 2. The HARRIS
BROS are out now, whoopee! Screw this main event! Vampiro notices them,
turns his back to Jarrett, and gets a clubbing blow to go outside - the
Harrisses work him over while Patrick suddenly gets VERY interested in
talking to Jarrett about what might have been if he'd stayed in the WWF
and let Austin drop out of the top of the card. Trying to suplex him in -
Vampiro goes behind, waistlock, Jarrett elbows out of it, flicks him off
by holding the ropes, then hits a clothesline that has Vampiro flipping.
Uppercut by Jarrett - head to the buckle. Into the ropes, Vampiro goes
behind, rolls him up, but only gets 2. Vampiro goes to the top again -
but Jarrett throws a punch and he flies to the floor. The Harrisses again
take it to Vampiro while Patrick talks to Jarrett. Now the MAMALUKES are
out to battle with the Harris brothers. Vampiro ducks a lariat, hits an
enzuigiri AND a uranage - but Patrick is out trying to break up the four
men on the outside - Patrick sprints back to the ring - but Vampiro pulls
up at 1, wondering where he'd gone. Off the ropes, Jarrett pulls his head
back to the mat. Jarrett going for a STEEL chair, but Patrick manages to
grab it before he can use it. Gutshot by Jarrett, DDT - 1, 2, no!
Jarrett's going for the figure four - but Vampiro sneaks in an inside
cradle - 1, 2, no! Schoolboy by Vampiro - and ANOTHER 2! Jarrett ducks a
clothesline - Vampiro pulls up to avoid a collision with Patrick...but
Jarrett hits a right and Vampiro collides with Patrick anyway. Snap
suplex by Jarrett, now he's going outside for the title belt. Vampiro
kicks him in the gut, then hits a catapult into the corner - and a shot
with the belt! Cover - no referee - new referee JAMIE TUCKER comes out
and counts 1, 2...but *Patrick* pulls him out! A discussion ensues about
who has control of this match, while Jarrett goes ahead and hits the
Stroke, on the belt (sorta) - and covers. Patrick is over to count 1, 2,
3. WOW! VAMPIRO JOBBED AGAIN! WHO'DA THUNK IT? (5:00) The HARRIS BROS
are back out - we get a bonus H Bomb, a whopping FOUR angles of H Bomb
replays (yeah, they're really building up Vampiro, aren't they?) AND an
NWO spraypaint job! Man, that was SO worth waiting for! The crowd is
overdubbed and as Jarrett poses on the turnbuckle, we can't help but
notice people FLOCKING for the exits. Just like us - we're outta here.
Hey, how about one more "Nowhere to Land" promo? The sad thing is,
*somebody thinks there's a rub to be given here.* God bless W T B S!
Finally, if you haven't already, please go read mdb's report. I have a
feeling he just MIGHT have cared a bit more about this show. At least, I
HOPE he did....after all, he's the WCW fan...when HE gives up, we're ALL
in big trouble!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net