by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
I GET LETTERS: Dave Mitchell's opinion: I was watching the last episode
(great recap, btw) and I was thinking ... two great ways to upgrade it
would be to make Hammering Heather Steele an FBI agent to cash in on her
mild Agent Skully resemblance (and I'm betting there's more Dana Skully
fans in Women's Wrestling Fetishland than there are Tool Time Girl marks);
my second improvement would be to dump Stagger Lee Marshall and get the
Brain on board for more credibility and FAR more laffs per square mile!
And hey ... Summer's "booty shot" not "family friendly"? I say thee nay!
It made me wanna get up and start a family right then and there!
From Tole Ha: Hey Chris,
Just wanted to point out that you blew off referee Josh Milton's insane
bump at the end of the Thug-Becky match. That was some serious body
wrecking distance and height that he got when Thug tossed him over the top
rope. On top of that, he ended up taking the bump on the concrete entrance
when he completely missed the safety mats at ringside. Jeff Hardy would
have been proud. Oh well, keep up the good work.
QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 1 5/16 (- 1/4)
WOW logo - WOW!
LAST WEEK ON WOW: Looks more like "Last Week's Last Week on WOW" - what's
up with that? Oh, HERE'S some actual happenings from last week. Beckie
got the upset pin over Thug and her breastesses ALMOST made an upset
appearance! But no. Still, a fine choice of clip. Also, I apologise to
Josh Milton for not noting his SPECTACULAR flight over the top rope.
Lana's breasts are *also* a fine choice of clip, as is Poison inviting her
to "kiss it."
TONIGHT: Ice Cold! The opening bout in the tag team tourney features Lotus
& Jade vs. Caged Heat! And in the main event, EZ Rider takes on Selina
Majors!
To Harley's Angels we go, where they display a lovely hand-drawn
illustration of Selina Majors, complete with DIE SELINA as well as
accurately-rendered mullet and additional noose, cast and crutch (sold
separately). Rider: "Selina, if you think you can go through me to get to
Thug, you're wrong - dead wrong! Thug: "Yeah, hahahaha! She's gonna go
down tonight, yeah!" Davidson: "Hahahahahahaha...ha...ha..." Thug:
"Dowwwwwwwn."
Opening Credits
Welcome to WOW Week Eight, airing in most markets the weekend of 25.11.2K
(taped 4.11 and possibly other dates) from the Great Western Forum in
Inglewood, CA!
LANA STAR v. POISON - DAVID McLANE cues the Kane pyro - "Welcome to WOW!
Women of Wrestling! Introducing first, the lady that likes to be called
the executive producer of this show - she is the fabulous one...Lana Star!"
"That's much better - thank you very much!" While watching Star's entrance
video, it's hard not to think that when LEE MARSHALL says "I'm not sure the
Great Western Forum can even hold this woman's ego," he's got a *different*
part in mind in place of that final word. Star is back in her Stratus Pink
outfit. "Well, Lana, this is the match you asked for and you're gettin' it
TODAY on WOW!" "And I wanna thank all my fans for coming out once again to
this farewell performance! Not MY farewell performance - *Poison's*
farewell performance!" "Ladies and gentlemen, her opponent - fighting in
revenge for dyeing Lana's hair green, she is Poison! Ring that bell, Tim
Harris!" Wait, so Poison dyed her hair green, but tonight's she's fighting
in revenge for....well, I can understand McLane's confusion as Poison sorta
rushed the ring and got things started before the intro could even get
underway. I guess Tim Harris is our unseen timekeeper - that's good to
know. Leave it to McLane to sneak those names in there for my (and,
subsequently, YOUR) benefit! So here we go - after Poison barrells over
her, she's got her back up by the hair - into the ropes, big clothesline!
Another big clothesline when she gets back up - this time Star goes
outside...Star follows and the chase is on. Back in - Star catches her and
brings her in the hard way - into the ropes is reversed, Star with a ...
humouous...leapfrog, then rolls her up for 2. Star rams Poison's head in
the buckle! Posion responds with a rake of the face. Poison with her
trademarked "I just licked my palm and now I'll take your temperature"
move. Semi-snapmare. Leg sweep, and the WOW CATAPULT!! Poison setting
her up for the camel clutch...which is awfully hard to stomp in, so she
lets it go....but not without a bonus hairpull. Star manages a second rope
crossboy but only gets 2. Ice Cold takes on Wendi Wheels later today, not
to mention the tag team tournament gets underway! Got her by the hair, but
Poison goes to the face yet again. Into the corner is reversed and Poison
hits hard. Bulldog as she comes out for 2...sorry, that's not a bulldog,
it's the "Lana Star facelift." Got her by the hair - right hand ducked,
Poison takes her to the corner, but Star bumps her backwards - now going
for the mirror - Poison ducks it but Milton doesn't! Poison hits the
Poison Paralyzer (Slop Drop) but there's no ref to count that pin! Poison
hooks the leg once again for our benefit....nope, still nothing. But now
P-A-T-T-I P-A-T-T-I PATTI PEP is out in a zebra shirt - fast 1, 2, 3 and I
guess it counts! (2:50) Pep raises Poison's hand...but she's going behind
HER back for a second mirror! WHACK! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a heel
turn. A breathless Star grabs the mic. "Thanks - I wanna say to all you
haters - don't EVER under - estimate me! And I wanna introduce to you
(gasp) my NEW personal assistant...Patti Pep!" Pep removes the striped
shirt to reveal - GASP! - a PINK top! "When you're the newest
star-in-training, you need a new look, (gasp) a new attitude (gasp), and a
new name, so from now on she'll be referred to as Patti - Puh - ZAZZ!" The
sound and graphics folks willingly oblige with a "Patti Pizzazz" graphic
and song. McLane pours it on for the slower folks in the audience. "Lana
Star, I don't know what the idea of this is - Patti Pep, how could you do
this? Don't be influenced by Lana - don't do it! Hollywood's not all that
it's made up to be!" "Quiet, David McLane - Patti Pizzazz is smart enough
to take a ride on my coattails - this girl wants it all, and thanks to me,
SHE'LL GET IT!" "Steven Spielberg...Michael Ovitz...it's not what it's
meant to be...don't do it, Patti! Don't do it!" Off they go, arm in arm,
bouncing breast in bouncing breast, as the not-quite-as-catchy Patti
Pizzazz theme plays. I WONDER what Randi Rah Rah thinks of this!
We switch to a shot of a pair of gloves shining the WOW championship belt.
"What's this? There's Terri Gold's world championship belt that was stolen
from her? Who could have it? Are they in the building?" Oh, if ONLY that
cameraman had moved off of those hands and to the FACE belonging to them!
With Star's bulldog being named the Facelift, I'm wondering if OTHER new
name moves are soon to come. I've compiled a short list of suggestions:
The Overdub
The Airbrush
The Black Roots
The Fake Breasts
The Two Syllables Dropped Off The Last Name
The Casting Couch Screen Test
Of course, none of this should be taken as a suggestion that the lovely Ms.
Star has had any of ALL of the above...after all, I doubt she's had a
facelift either
That EnerX ad scares me. "Yeah! STAMINA'S more like it!" And that dude
next to her is all "yeah, I'm a SUPER STUD now that I TAKE THIS PILL and
mah woman, she just CAN'T GIT ENOUGH"
ICE COLD v. WENDI WHEELS - "Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? All the
way from the deep freeeeeeeeeeeeeze...it's Icccccccccccce Cold." Remember,
Ice's gimmick is that she hates David McLane. Also, lots of fake snow
falls as she's walking out. McLane provides exposition: "Abandoned by her
mother at a young age, Ice Cold is a loner....and she has a cold heart."
"Feeling chilly, McLane?" "Oh, we don't need that, Ice Cold. I hope you
fans didn't hear that." Ooh, yeah, she BURNED you BAAD, McLane. That
approaced a pun, so I better lay out for the next introduction. "Her
opponent, from Mechanicsburg, P-A! She's the garage girl pinup - the pinup
girl for EVERYONE, she's Wooo-endi Wheeeeeeeels!" Wheels makes her "big
wheels keep on turnin'" hand motion THREE times on her way to the ring.
Make it *four* as she sits on the top turnbuckle and leans back in a
"please take me" position - and Cold would oblige if not for referee
"Blind" Josh Milton holding her back. Wheels jumps in and hthe bell rings.
Lockup, switch, both women have handfuls of hair...to another corner, and
they finally break. Cold with a shove, Wheels shoves back and down she
goes. Clothesline by Wheels. Into the ropes, clothesline. Wheels turns
'em one more time, then tries a cover...but only gets 2. Cold rakes the
eyes. Head to the buckle. Once again. Right, right left right, right,
Cold knows THE SECRET as she stomps in every punch. Got the hair -
snapmares her over. Off the ropes, big elbowdrop that doesn't really make
ANY contact, but oh well. Cold stomp her right in the booty, stomp, stomp,
a cheek every time. Off the ropes, forearm in the small of the back.
Pulling her up - into the corner, into the opposite corner is reversed -
Cold runs into a drop toehold. Wheels ready for a Boston crab...and
taunting her, too, apparently. Lookit the crotch! Oh, Cold powered it out
for a cover - 1, 2, reversed, 1, no. Cold muscles her into the corner,
poses, and runs into the boots. Wheels "revs it up," then pulls HER up by
the hair - lingering long enough in the crotch area to make you say "hmmm"
- then finishing it, into the ropes, reversed, back elbow by Cold. To the
second rope...slips...going for the axehandle but Wheels is ready with the
boot to the abdomen! And there's the blowout (face jam)! Wheels revs it
up again (7?), then moves her close enough to the ropes so that when she
hooks the near leg, the far one can wiggle over to the bottom rope JUST
after 2. In the corner, into the opposite corner, and Cold ties herself to
the Tree of Woe - Wheels with a boot to the gut, then pulling her out.
Into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by Cold - 1, kickout. Cold with the
badmouth...then tossing her ALL the way over the top to the floor. Ice
following out...got her by the hair - head into the commentary table!
Commentators express outrage. Cold has the mic - she's EXTRA breathy now.
"How ya feelin' Wendi Wheels? (gasp) Is your motor runnin' now? What's
wrong? (gasp) Did you forgetcher ANTIFREEZE?" McLane: "Oh my!" "I'm just
getting started baby, let's go for a RIDE..." Head to the apron! MAN
Milton counts SLOWLY - Cold on the apron and signalling for the elbow - and
hits it! All the way to the floor! There's an open-handed slap. OOH!
Going for ANOTHER one, but Wheels blocks it and throws a right hand!
Shoves her down! Crowd going nuts (sort of!) Picking her up but Cold
spears her down...and now they're into some major league tusslin' as Milton
FINALLY gets to ten. (DCOR 5:29) Nothing's settled here and they're STILL
going at it as ANOTHER REF joins the fray in an attempt to get these two
separated - but NOTHING DOING! But before I get overstimulated, let's cut
to...
...the big list of tag teams in the WOW tag team tournament we've seen for
a few weeks now. We'll *officially* kick this puppy off...right after this
word from the Phonics Game!
When we come back, McLane has welcomed JULIE DAY to the ring. "The field
reporter for WOW, Julie Day! Julie, a terrible crime took place - that
being the theft of the world championship belt from Terri Gold, and I know
you've been interviewing some suspects. How's that going?" "Well, David,
I've interviewed Thug, Riot, and Caged Heat. They all appear to be
innocent. However there is one suspect I have not had a chance to
interview yet." "Who might that be?" "You, McLane." "Me?" "Yes." "Why
would I ever steal the world championship belt?" "I was instructed to
interview anyone with criminal tendencies and you certainly qualify!" "I
don't have any criminal tendencies! What d'you mean? Why would I steal
the belt?" "Well, according to rumours, you're either gonna sell it on the
Internet, or cash in on the insurance." "I didn't think of that - those
are good ideas - but if I did, I wouldn't sell the belt for cheap! (music
starts) That's for sure! So Julie Day, you're gonna have to keep looking
for suspects." "I'll be watching you." TERRI GOLD is out in "street"
clothes - if by "street," you mean "walking the." Still, I'd rather see
HER in a backless number and leather pants than Stephanie... "I introduce
to you the world champion herself...Terri Gold!" Gold takes the mic at
mid-aisle, off a handoff from Day - wireless mics COST MONEY, folks, they
can't give one to EVERYBODY who's out there! "The world champion,
fans...Terri Gold! ... Terri Gold, you're missing your prize possession,
that being the world championship belt - we all saw what took place with
the thugging." That was a strange choice of words. "David, I am very
upset. That belt not only belongs to me, to Terri Gold, but it belongs to
all of you! It belongs to everybody here - without all of you, I wouldn't
have been able to win that championship - this is ridiculous!" "Well,
Terri Gold, I know how you must feel, but I have to say this...by not
having the belt around your waist, in no way has it diminished you as the
world champion of WOW." "How am I supposed to be a champion without my
belt?" Golly, she's WHINY this week - say, do wrestlers get PM--ohh,
sorry. That's *extremely* sexist and I'm sorry I even STARTED that
thought. As another picture pops up on the WOWvision, McLane starts in.
"Hold it - Terri Gold, what's this? The belt's up - what was that - the
belt was up - is the belt in the arena? What's this - it's a fire -
someone's burning a picture of YOU, Terri Gold! What is this twisted act?
This deviant act of burning a photo of Terri Gold, what does this mean?"
"I just got here, but I know the culprit is in the building, and I'm gonna
do everything I can to get that belt back!" Young plant - I mean, cherub
in crowd: "The kids are counting on you!" "Yeah!" "The world
champion...Terri Gold!" Note to WOW: planted signs should probably spell
"Terri" correctly, i.e. not with a "y."
Log on to WOWE.com to check out the tag team tournament matchups!
Is that a Wayans brother in "Dungeons & Dragons?" Let's pile it all
together...
JADE and LOTUS v. CAGED HEAT (UNLEASHED) in a first round tag team
tournament matchup - "Introducing first...the Asian Spitfire...it's Jade.
Her partner...the Exotic Flower...her name, Lotus. Together, they combine
together to be the Asian Invasion! Their opponents, from the Nevada State
Correctional Facility... Delta Lotta Pain and Loca - they are Caged Heat!
Caged Heat is Unleashed!" They can say "Asian Invasion" all they want but
they STILL put "JADE LOTUS" graphics up instead. Caged Heat start
lip-sync'ing to their music, which is funny and amusing. They hit the ring
and the Asians skeedaddle. Pose and stomp! What time? Hard time! What
time? Hard time! Here's an Asian-lookin' chick in the crowd - let's see
what *she's* got to say "Lotus and Jade just...kick their ass...with
karate! And kung fu!" Ooh, that's gotta be embarrassing for her entire
RACE, there - not so much her words as the GIANT WAD OF GUM in her mouth
while she tries to spit OUT those words. Pain makes the mistake of turning
her back, so Jade dropkicks her in the back. No opening bell, but we'll
try to manage. Lockup - no, kick by Pain - into the ropes, hairpull
takedown - check that, "lockdown." Snapmare takeover. Another snapmare,
almost dropping her on her head. They REALLY don't want to give us the
cheek shots, do they. Into the opposite corner, powerslam ("full bodyslam"
out) - 1, 2, PULLS HER UP!! Whip into the opposite corner, Jade up and
onto her shoulders (I SEE HER WEDGIE! WOO HOO!), then spinning off with
the head scissors ("Samurai scissors"), and there's the tag to Lotus - tag
to Loca as well. Loca ducks the roundhouse kick and lands a kick in the
gut. McLane: "She ducked because she expected it! She ducked becauses
she's been in the prison yard and seen kicks coming!" Scoop...and a slam
(ALSO a "full bodyslam" if you're McLane, because remembering move names
you didn't just make up is HARD). Second rope fistdrop to the throat -
yowch. Tag to Pain - into the ropes, Loca with a big sidewalk slam, Pain
on the top rope and waiting - Loca stepping on Lotus on her way back to the
corner - Pain's somersault legdrop MISSES! Tag to Jade! Body scissors
rollup gets 1. Pain with a legsweep on a distracted Jade - Loca tagged in
- double sledgehammer. Into the ropes, going for a slam but Jade manages
another Samurai scissors! Body scissors again...but this time Loca just
drops her on her face instead. Tag to Pain - Lotus comes in long enough
for the ref to turn his back to the doubleteam - both members of Caged Heat
pressing her high...and letting her fall. Big splash by Pain gets 2 -
Lotus makes the save. Pain rakes her face and throws her through the ropes
to the floor. Tag to Loca - Pain has her up - Loca with a clothesline off
the second rope - you can call it a modified Devastation Device, but McLane
calls it HARD TIME. 1, 2, 3. (3:44) Jade tossed out by the wedgie as
Lotus tries to come back in - SHE gets a 3D - which *we* will call Capital
Punishment. Lotus deposited next to her partner on the outside. Then,
Milton is sent into the ropes for ANOTHER one, but he manages to hold onto
the ropes and drag himself out before taking the bump. Replay of Hard
Time, and Capital Punishment. We see THREE PRISON WORKERS cuffing them at
the top of the aisle. The graphic says "You'd Better Be Here When We Come
Back!" so...
Here's your weekly Benny Hill video ad
If you're ever on the west coast, you've GOT to see WOW in person! Ummm,
the west coast is a BIG area....I doubt that people in, say, Vancouver,
Washington are gonna be able to make the trip.
HAMMERIN' HEATHER STEELE v. MYSTERY (with The Goon) - "Lllllllladies and
gentlemen, are you ready? Introducing from Sweet Home, Oregon, the
talented tool girl, Hammerin' Heather Steele! Her opponent - accompanied
to the ring by the Goon...it's Mystery." Mystery, you will recall, is the
black-masked, black enshrouded woman in black. She appears to have gained
a few hundred pounds since we last saw her - in the person of the Goon, a
large man in black wearing a WHITE mask. Mystery uncloaks to
reveal....that she's wearing Terri Gold's stolen WOW championship belt!
This would be SHOCKING, except that there's only ONE masked woman in black
in WOW, so we all should have caught onto this a few weeks ago. Hey, I'm
not gonna tell you *I* did...even though I DID, but I would have AT LEAST
hoped that *McLane* would have had the brains to put it all together - har
har! Of course, listening to the screams of *both* our
commentators...well, it's news to them and they just don't know WHAT to say
other than "HEY! HEY!" Here we go. Lockup, leg sweep by Mystery. Pulled
up by the hair - scooooop...and a slam. Into the corner. Right hand to
the abdomen, knife-edge chop, right hand. Into the opposite corner, is
reversed, Steele drops down, ducking a clothesline, and hits a schooboy for
1. Arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN, Mystery powers out and hits a clothesline.
Picking her up by the hair...into the ropes is reversed, drop toehold by
Steele. Floatover to a hammerlock, both women to their feet - Steele
trying to stomp it in for effect, but Mystery manages a snapmare to turn it
around. Mounting her - and that's a BLATANT choke! Another choke!
Mystery pulls her up ("by the ears!" says Marshall) - into the ropes,
clothesline. Into the corner. Winding up the backhand chop - another chop
- kick. Into the ropes, "almost lost her" powerslam, hooking her for the
fisherman's suplex - referee "Blind" Jesse Hernandez is ready...1, 2, 3.
(2:43) TERRI GOLD runs in to get what's hers...she gets it all right - the
Goon gives her the belt...right across the chest! I take it back - Goon's
mask looks more like that robot S.V7 from that one episode of "Doctor Who"
- you know the one I'm talking about? Leela was in it - yeah, she WOULD
make a good wrestler, come to think of it...
COMING UP NEXT: Can you say Grudge Match? Well, that graphic just did!
It'll be Selina Majors vs. EZ Rider!
Noooo! Not CLEO!
EZ RIDER (with Charlie Davidson & Thug) v. SELINA MAJORS - "Entering the
ring, accompanied by her partner, Charlie Davidson, and the Brawling Biker,
Thug - it's EZ Rider!" Once again, if you can't tell them apart, here's a
little primer: Rider is *the one who wears a shirt,* while Davidson is
*the one who makes give me fellatio" hand motions with her tongue.* Rider
steals the mic from my brotha the Ring Announcer. "Harley's Angels is in
the hooooouse! Yeah! Oh yeah! Woooo!" Did she write that herself?
"Lemme tell ya something, Selina. You challenged me - I'm gonna take that
challenge, Selina, and yer fight tonight is gonna end just like last
time...with a trip to the hospital. Oh yeah! But only, this time you're
not gonna have a leg to stand on!" "Their opponent...making her
triumphant return to the ring, it'ssss The Real Deal...Selina Majors!"
Lockup, arm drag takeover by Majors, arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN (Marshall
calls it "pumphandling," but that isn't as funny...or is it?), but Rider
goes to the hair to turn it around. SHE stomps in that armbar - but Majors
nips up and throws several rights to the kidneys to try to break it - 4
total, but Rider puts her down again with a hairpull. Again Majors nips
up, flips forward and gives Rider the boots to break it up. Rider goes
outside...and you know what THAT means...it's time for an ad break!
Holy cow, a WWF ad! No, not *that* WWF...the World Wildlife Fund
When we come back, Majors has gotten a little too close to the ropes and
Thug has her by the ankles - pulling her out to the floor! Thug lays in
the forearms as Davidson and Rider hold her - then Thug holds her in a full
nelson while THEY get a piece. Somehow, referee "Blind" Josh Milton
manages to let all this go on right in front of him without calling for the
DQ. Majors rares back and puts both boots to Davidson and Rider, knocking
them both over! Thug's grip loosens, and Majors manages an elbow to Thug,
breaking the hold - STUNNER! Majors back in the ring and she's riled up.
Rider back to the apron - Majors over to bring her in the hard way...into
the ropes, first to the midsection - running hair bulldog - cover, but
Davidson pulls the leg over the bottom rope, stopping the count at 2!
Rider rakes the face - head to the buckle - again - and once more. As
Majors leans back in the corner, Thug sneaks up from behind and gives her a
big forearm to the back of the head...then holds her for Rider's
broncobuster! It doesn't look like it hurts at all, and maybe it didn't as
Majors quickly manages her legs across her arms for 2. Into the ropes by
Rider, back elbow, posing to the camera ("This is too easy!") and,
therefore, only getting 2. Into the ropes, Rider with the sleeper! Majors
drops down...she's fading fast. Arm falls once! Arm falls twice! Arm
does not fall thrice! Reaching behind her and grabbing two hands of
hair...back to her feet...elbow to the gut, another elbow, off the ropes,
duck, clothesline! Davidson is in with her pool cue, and Milton heads her
off...but while THEY'RE tied up, Thug is able to come in...Majors ducks -
KICK WHAM STUNNER - over to Davidson - KICK WHAM STUNNER - Rider runs at
her, duck, KICK WHAM STUNNER - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (1:10 + 3:22)
Thug is back over and gives her a *big* bodyslam - then Davidson and Rider
hold her for the big splash. Tripleteam stompdown - Milton gets
ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM and oh no, we're out of time!
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation,
Tootsie candles, and Invention Submission Corporation (again)
To the vault we go, where McLane exits with a soon-to-ring cel phone
and...a feather. "A hundred more of these, and I've got a pillow! I
wonder who this could be - hello, David McLane! Oprah! Great, you got my
marriage proposal? Why do I wanna marry YOU? You've got a media empire -
you're worth MILLIONS! What? You'll marry me when pigs fly? Terrific!
I'll have the Farmer's Daughter send some hogs over by air freight!
Hahahahahahahahahahaha - hello? Hello? Oprah, hello?"
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net