by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
QUICK QUOTES: WOWI.OB 1 1/16 (+ 1/4) ... last week 13/16 (- 3/16)
CONTRIBUTE: It's very possible that I'll be interviewing Terri Gold for
WrestleLine - the only problem is I have *no idea* what to ask her! Please
email me your questions TODAY! (Oh, and...leave the jokes to me, okay?)
WOW logo - ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh WOW!
PREVIOUSLY ON WOW: Well, LAST WEEK was the "Best of 2000" special, so this
is "Previously" - we take a look at the Falls Count Anywhere match from two
weeks back. David McLane's voiceover promises another look at "one of the
greatest matches in the history women's wrestling" along with
never-before-seen footage! If you're cynical, you'll ask "what's up with
the rehashed content?" but fortunately for us, I'M not!
Opening Credits....WOW!
This is Women of Wrestling #14, airing in most markets the weekend of
6.1.1, coming to you from the House of WOW, the Great Western Church in
Inglewood, CA (taped 15.12.2K) TODAY: Beckie the Farmer's Daughter sees
action, and WE see HER! Beach Patrol competes in the tag team tourney!
Poison gets a shot at World Champeen Terri Gold...speaking of which...
"Hey Poison! You tried to blind me with green venom - meet your antidote!"
And then she flexes her guns. I don't know...I think my biceps are
SLIGHTLY bigger. ("Yeah, your breasts are probably bigger, too.") HEY! I
think I'm offended! And furthermore, THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE! ("Keep
dreamin', fatty.")
BECKIE, THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER v. JACKLYN HYDE (with Dr. Sarah Bellum &
Nurse Mercy & the female equivalent of "Chucky") - DAVID McLANE stands in
the ring to make the opening match intros: "In this match, introducing
from Hog Holler, Nebraska, Beckie, the Farmer's Daughter!" "Help me - help
me - please, help me...help me to escape this cheesy entrance video!"
"Making her way from the sanitarium...accompanied by Dr. Sarah Bellum and
Nurse Mercy...she is....the unpredictable...Jacklyn...Hyde." Hyde has dyed
half her hair in addition to drawing in some freckles, and dances merrily
with her doll. Beckie's not in a sporting mood, I guess - there's a
dropkick to start. And there's another Rapidly Approaching the Best
Dropkick in WOW and Hyde goes to the outside. Beckie complains to referee
"Blind" Referee #3 about keeping it in the ring. Hyde back in the ring,
Beckie ducks a swing, the voice of LEE MARSHALL starts and stops in an
unearthly growl as we cut to the crowd (the magic of editing, poorly
hidden?), and next thing we know, it's a body scissors - Beckie sitting out
in - yikes, Marshall just growled AGAIN - that's SO distracting! "Keister
bump," says Marshall - *I* say she's STOMPING IT IN...just with her booty
instead of her feet. Still got the body scissors, and this is the Farmer's
Roll...McLane says there's hay in the ring - thrown in by her adoring fans.
Uh huh. 1 count for Beckie. Mistakes made by the commentators in this
match: McLane promotes Nurse Mercy to "Doctor," while Marshall intimates
Beckie is from "a small town in Kansas." In case you're wondering, no, I
*don't* have anything better to do but nitpick. Beckie still in control -
but Hyde rakes the face to turn it around. Head to the buckle and down
goes Beckie. Another head to the buckle - I think the bad side is coming
out in her...into the opposite corner but Beckie springs off the bottom
turnbuckle into a crossbody for 2. Side headlock, STOMPING IT IN, hiplock
takeover for a near fall. Back to their feet - STOMPING IT IN. "This is
*therapeutic* for Jacklyn Hyde!" "Oh, you're kidding." "I don't know how
much..." Hyde sweeps the legs to break the hold. Double leg between the
legs - oh. Another double leg is a bit low...and the ref is quick to note
that she's just done that twice - TWO TIMES! Meanwhile, Hyde's right
(black) boot is untied - that might reduce her moveset. Beckie with a
cartwheel into a reverse press...sitting on her for 1, Hyde kicks out.
Hyde into the ropes, one-footed dropkick (Marshall: "What elevation!").
Hyde rakes the arms *again*, then tosses her through the ropes to the floor
- yow! At this point, it sounds like they decided to overdub McLane
with...*more* McLane. Weird. Beckie sweeps the legs, tripping up Hyde as
she nears the ropes. We pause to take a replay of Beckie's ride through
the ropes - apparently, there's a 2 count and a foot on the rope during
this replay, but why would we want to see that? I'd be willing to bet on
some more editing in here, but when we come back, into the ropes is
reversed, Beckie ducks a clothesline, Jacklyn ducks a crossbody and Beckie
lands hard. Hyde picks her up - snapmares her over...put in position
for...hey, I didn't know Hyde had a top-rope splash, too - well, she
doesn't, because it missed. Scoop.....and a slam by Beckie. SHE'S going
up top...top-rope splash lands - that's it - 1, 2, 3! (Formula 4:09)
McLane hits the ring to get a word with her. We didn't see Bellum or Mercy
the whole time, but they collect Hyde to take her out of the picture. "The
winner of the match, from Hog Hollow, Nebraska, Beckie the Farmer's
Daughter! Beckie, they love ya here, and we've heard from WOWE all about
the excitement of the fans - how's your time been in WOW?" "David, I -
honestly, this is like the best ever - I love it so much." "Well you're a
heck of an athlete and they recognise it, and we look to WOWvision - Here
we see...right there, Thug going down...Charlie hitting her - and here it
is, the patented move by Beckie the Farmer's Daughter...the splash! Nobody
does it like you, Beckie!" "What do you guys think, huh? Isn't that one
of the best splashes you've seen? I have to admit, I think I have - I DO
know, I have the best splash in WOW - that's a fact." JUNGLE GRRRL is
quickly out to dispute it, unbeknownst to our shillmaster. "What do you
think of that, fans, does Beckie have the best splash? In WOW? Yes
indeed! Jungle Grrrl, what are you doin' out here? You're not to be here
now." "It's bad enough I have to listen to this hillbilly ramble on....but
when she talks about having the best splash in WOW, I take it as a personal
insult. You will learn what the laws of the jungle are - kill or be
killed." "Ooh, I'm scared." "You should be." "Just wait for the match."
"You should be - you should be." "Jungle Grrrl, you have no reason to come
out here, there isn't a match, so please excuse yourself." "Jungle Grrrl"
chant starts up. "Who are they callin' for?" Beckie starts up a "Beckie"
chant that's about twice as loud. "Fans, we're gonna find out who has the
best splash in WOW, maybe one day - Beckie the Farmer's Daughter...(replay
of Beckie splashing Thug)...Or Jungle Grrrl (replay of Grrrl splashing
Bronco Billie!"
Backstage to the dressing room we go..."Summer, are you ready to WIN this
tag team title?" "Yap, I sure am." "Let's go do it together - no one can
stop us!" "That's right." "Let's go!" "Yeah." Why does Summer look like
her four words took an hour to memorize? "Coming up next, fans, the Beach
Patrol meet the Daughters...of Darkness in a tag team tournament match.
You won't wanna miss it!"
I wouldn't mind missing the Benny Hill commercial, though...
BEACH PATROL v. DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (with The Goon) - "This match is part
of the WOW tag team tournament! Introducing, from the sssssunny beaches of
California, the Beach Patrol!" They apparently have a new dance involving
tapping their floaty things, giving a high five, and bumping hips. Looks
like there are some people alongside the aisle that like to grab and not
let go - yikes! Look, if you can't tell them apart, I'll help you this ONE
time: Summer is the one carrying the floaty with "Summer" on it. "Entering
the ring...accompanied by the Goon...it's the Daughters of Darkness,
Mystery...and Misery." Mystery and Misery are easier to tell apart - the
tan, buff one is Mystery and the white, slightly less buff one is Misery.
The lifeguards decide to try to strike first - double clothesline ducked,
double kick in the gut by the women in black - into opposite corners -
double whip is reversed and the Daughters collide in the centre! Time to
row the boat - well, more of a double wishbone as they just snap the legs
apart - they're doing it again ("Okay - on three - 1, 2...") High ten, and
another hip bump. How close ARE these two, anyway? Summer is gigantically
scary. Looks like it'll be Sandy and Mystery - lockup, side headlock,
STOMPING IT IN, hiptoss takeover, still holding the headlock - Mystery
grabs the hair for 2 - apparently referee "Blind" Jesse Hernandez ain't
watchin' the hair, if you catch my drift. Mystery powers out, off the
ropes, duck, Sandy with a crossbody ("full body press") for 2. Into the
ropes, simply AWFUL, awful dropkick (more like a knee - and that's being
charitable) - Mystery says "I ain't sellin' anything else from this chick"
and tags in Misery. Sandy over to bring her in the hard way. Pulling her
up - into the ropes, reversal, big clothesline by Misery. Scoop...and a
slam. Got her by the hair - tag to Mystery and holding her in a
choke...and there's one of those unusual thrusts. Sign in crowd
reprazentin' for "MISTERY" - probably right next to the girl with the
"ROIT" sign. Summer in, drawing Hernandez over...and allowing a double
hiptoss behind his back. I haven't heard McLane in well over a minute and
I'm getting worried. Mystery covers...2. Strange forearm to the back,
punctuated by a jump...and there's another one. Sandy between the legs to
make the HOT TAG! Drop toehold by Summer...going for a surfboard, but
doesn't have it too long - Misery (huh? I must have missed a simultaneous
tag by the Daughters) up, reversing the knuckle lock, but Summer drops down
and kicks her away. Misery goes outside and Mystery comes in without a
tag, only to fall to another drop toehold. Summer with another
surfboard...and as Mystery fights to her feet and starts stomping, it's
time to take an ad break. It's been two minutes of McLaneless television -
I hope they have his mic fixed when we come back!
What the heck? AARP? Is THIS the demographic for this show?
When we come back, McLane sounds like an overdub and it's *still* a lot of
solo calls from Marshall. Looks like we're in the same spot - Mystery
reverses the knuckle lock, turning it around and doing some STOMPING IT IN
- Misery in...but clotheslining her partner when Summer ducks! Double
noggin knocker coming...oh, took too much time. Misery with a gutshot -
both Daughters whip her head to the mat. Mystery back out - Misery with a
running beal (sorta) - here's the first WOW CATAPULT - *FINALLY* McLane
gets in a word after about three minutes - Mystery tags in - strange right
- strange chop - strange punch - "martial arts," I hear. Snapmares her
over - mounting her - and throttling her. Break, choke. In the corner,
winding up for another strange chop. And here's a martial arts kick - and
one more kick. Into the opposite corner is reversed - Mystery runs back at
her but falls in a drop toehold - 1, 2, no. Marshall goes into a brief
lecture about how the drop toehold may very well be Summer's signature move
- ummm, she hasn't gotten a pin off it, so maybe she should pick another
manoeuvre? Into the ropes, caught...and powerslammed down by Mystery. Set
up for a fisherman suplex ("pump handle suplex" - what's Marshall smoking)
- for...barely 1? BLEAH. That move NEVER works. Summer manages to crawl
between the legs (hmm, I'm experiencing deja vu) and make the HOT TAG to
Sandy! Mystery quickly gives her a martial arts kick. Whipped into her
corner and Misery comes in without a tag. They take turns delivering
strange blows - Summer in, somehow finding her way around Hernandez (and
that ain't easy!)...only to be dispatched with ease by Mystery. Back over
to Sandy - double whip into the ropes, but Sandy catches Mystery with a
sunset flip attempt - she's holding onto her partner but Summer is in -
one-footed dropkick to Misery to break the hold and the sunset flip
finishes - 1, 2, 3! (3:28 + 3:15) Hop up and down and do the "lookit my
boobies" dance, Summer! Hooray! Replay of the finishing sequence - sunset
flip, wacky "flying" dropkick, 1, 2, 3. Coming back to real-time, both
Daughters of Darkness grab a Beach Patrol and work 'em over on the
outside...then back on the inside for some stomping and wacky closed fists.
And there's the Goon...he didn't do jack.
WOW PPV ad - 4 February (8 Eastern, 5 Pacific) on iNDEMAND! The tag team
finals...and so much more!
But first...this word from Cleo. Da cards dem, dey nevah lie
POISON (with Let Us Take You Back) v. TERRI GOLD for the WOW World
Championship - "From the Toxic Parts Unknown, it's ... Poison." In case
you've forgotten, here's a clip of Poison spitting "venom" in Terri's eyes.
"Terri Gold, I got news....yer gonna lose..." Gold runs out and heads to
the top for a crossbody - 1, 2, nope. Ring announcer THOMAS GRIFFIN is
sent scurrying without having given an intro to the champ - come to think
of it, I don't see her belt, either...I guess she doesn't plan on losing.
Into the ropes, reversed, Gold somersaults under and hits another
crossbody...for 2. Whip into the corner, backflip into a handspring elbow
- cover, 2. Poison says "heck with THIS" and rolls outside. Poison back
up to the apron...Gold decides to bring her in the hard way - scoop....and
a slam. Off the ropes, running splash meets the knees. Poison whips Gold
into the ropes, big right hand, big kneelift, and THE WOW CATAPULT. Camel
(toe) clutch is applied...but Gold won't give up - Poison quickly goes to
the hair instead. Head to the turnbuckle. And one more. Running hiptoss
by Poison. Scoop...and a slam. Gold can't lose - THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
Poison going up top for the double sledge...oops, Gold didn't really have a
counter ready, but Poison was so confused that all she could do was land on
her feet and wait for the dropkick to finally come! Gold to the top - big
(go figure) crossbody lands...but not on Poison, on referee "Blind" Josh
Milton! POISON PARALYZER! But there's no ref...ICE COLD comes out in the
stripes, making a quick three count and raising Poison's hand! But that
apparently only works when you're Patti Pep counting AGAINST Lana Star,
because the bell didn't ring - Gold dropkicks Poison into the bottom rope
(ouch), then dropkicks Cold out of the ring - got Poison in the corner,
hiptoss out. Gold up top - and the moonsault actually (well, partially)
connects! Milton staggers over - 1, 2, 3! (3:12) "Your winner, and STILL
WOW Champion...Terri Gold!" Several angles of replays of the Perfect 10 -
amazingly, the ring does *not* fill with children.
JULIE DAY comes to us from the dressing room. How come we never catch
anybody dressing in here? "I am here with one of THE most exciting Women
of Wrestling, Bronco Billie. You are a modern day hero!" "That's right -
and when I'm not in the ring, you can find me at the ranch, riding and
roping." "Well, do you find being a cowgirl and a wrestler at all
simliar?" "I sure do - especially when I think of my opponents, EZ Rider
and Charlie Davidson. They're nothin' but a couple of stray calves that
need to be rounded up. And Thug...is nothing but a big old bull who needs
to be branded by my Double B and hogtied." "Well what about that fabulous
finishing hold that you have?" "My bronco bulldog comes straight from the
rodeo, and once it's applied you're down for the count." "So you're riding
into WOW to clean up the ring, then?" "That's right - there's a new
sheriff in town and it's Bronco Billie - and I'm looking to deputize all
the children of the nation. So if you have the pride to ride, help Bronco
Billie clear all the bad guys out of the ring. Yeeee-haaaaaa!" Day makes
a "are we off yet?" face. Hey, Julie, given that Chris Jericho unicorn
horn you're wearing, you got no right to be dissin' that girl no matter HOW
blue and glittery her eye shadow is.
Log onto wowe.com NOW! Or later. They're pretty flexible about that.
Coming up next: Caged Heat!
Backstage... "Fans, David McLane here, backstage at the Great Western
Forum, and here comes Selina Majors - Selina, what a match you had with
Thug, the fans loved it, it was no falls count throughout the Great Western
Forum [huh?] and the fans loved it." "That's right, David - I'll tell you
one thing, I've been wrestling a long time and that's probably one of the
hardest matches I've ever wrestled, but you know what, it's probably one of
the happiest matches I've ever wrestled because Thug, 1, 2, 3 - I got her,
David." "Let's take a look at some of that great action, fans."
Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks to the Falls Count Anywhere match - aka "A
Chance for Your Recapper to Rest His Weary Fingers" - just over three
minutes of clips
"What great action that was! Selina, ya gotta be happy, ya got the 1, 2, 3
after waiting ten weeks to get it." "That's right, you know revenge is
sweet, and Thug - I got it - 1, 2, 3, right there in the hardest match
I've ever wrestled...but the happiest, too." "You got that right...fans,
stay tuned, we're comin' back with more WOW, Women of Wrestling - Selina,
thanks for stopping by before you leave the arena today - take care."
"Thanks, David - thank you - bye bye." "FANS, STAY TUNED!
TANJA WARYR WOMAN and ROXY POWERS v. CAGED HEAT (UNLEASHED) -
"Introducing...the warrior woman...Tanja!" Tanja carries a broad sword
that she must have borrowed from Danger. "Her tag team partner...the Total
Athlete...RRRRRRRRRRoxy Powers!" I still have NO idea why they're teaming
up, although they seem to have worked out a synchronous kick dance. "From
the Nevada State Correctional Facility....Caaaaaaaaaaged Heat!" The cons
do a fair job of lip-syncing to their theme. "Caged Heat is Unleashed!"
Loca relieves Griffin of his mic. "Wassuuuuuuuuuuuuup...are you guys ready
for a wrestling match....or a beatdown?" "Hey Loca...I think they ready
for a little bit o' both. Aight...so what time is it?" "Hard time!" "I
said....what time is it?" "Hard time!" "That's what I'm talkin' about."
Pain and Powers start it off - Powers decides to shake her tail feathers in
Delta's direction...that *can't* be a good idea, even if I *do* appreciate
it. Block, drops down, fireman's carry takeover. Half kick/half trip ends
up looking like a drop toehold as Delta runs at her. Very odd. Tag to
Loca, who has managed to whip around her pigtails about 37 times to this
point. Ducks a swing, gutshot to Powers, setting up for a big scoop....and
a slam. Off the ropes, drops the elbow. Walks across her, tag, holding
for an open gutshot. Snapmares her over and dares her to tag out - Tanja's
kick ducked, Pain with a kick, into the ropes, grabs the hair and
whirlybirds her down. Head to the top turnbuckle, and again - tag to Loca.
Kick, kick, kick - Pain occupying referee "Blind" Josh Milton's
attention...and there's a broncobuster-alike knee to the midsection on her
way back between the ropes. Tanja into the ropes, reversed, spinning heel
kick for Loca - cover...2. "She's been hit before in prison, and she's
gonna get up, I can tell you that." Into the ropes, tag to Powers,
hmmm...this suspiciously looks like a replay of the spinning heel kick we
just saw - and so does this - the wavy lines around the edges gives it
away. Guess we needed to lengthen this match a bit...or shorten it?
Powers is in when we come back - Loca put into the ropes, reversal, Powers
ducks the clothesline, nice shoulderblock/clothesline/something - Pain off
the top with a somersault senton to break up the pin - Loca covers...but
only gets 2. Tag to Pain - into the ropes, awkward powerslam. Loca from
the second rope with the axehandle. Tanja isn't a fan of the
doubleteaming, and tries to come in to say so, but all she manages to do is
draw Milton over to HER, turning his back to the double short clothesline.
Two handfuls of hair - into the ropes, ducked the double elbow, sneaks in a
tag, ducked the double clothesline, rolling under the bottom rope to the
outside, Tanja with a double clothesline! Got Loca by the ankles - two and
a half rotations on the Giant Swing (silly Marshall, the "Big Spin" is the
California Lottery show) - cover - 1, kicked out. Tanja stomps in disgust
- Pain in with a blind clothesline. Loca punches Powers to the floor.
Into the corner, and Tanja is brought out with Capital Punishment (aka 3D -
or 2 1/2 D?) The bell mistakenly rings at 2, but Milton is good enough to
count the third beat for our benefit. (3:50) David McLane says "Caged
Heat advances in the tag team tournament" but, ummmm, didn't they ALREADY
do that? Anyway, Tanja is tossed while Powers gets the Hard Time
clothesline. They force Milton to count a 3 on Powers as well. Here's
some replays for ya. And here's Loca giving Milton a big gutshot. CAPITAL
PUNISHMENT! And, for good measure, (and why not, they've stolen all their
OTHER moves), they hit the "Wazzup" spot. But they're not done - Pain
tosses Josh Milton OVER the top rope, practically onto the barricade and he
*also* folds up his neck and back like an accordion! Two SECURITY are
finally out...and Caged Heat run off with the guards in close pursuit.
ThunderBox is NEXT!
And "The Immortal" is after THAT!
I pity the fool whose TV is stuck on Channel 11!
We watch Selina Majors get on the telephone...right next to the bar
containing Harley's Angels are enjoying a cold one. "What's this?
Selina's on the telephone. Selina - you're right there. Thug, Harley's
Angels is behind you, Selina! Somebody tell Selina that Thug is behind
her! Somebody TELL her! Thug! No! Oh my! Thug sneaking up on Selina -
and smashing a BOTTLE right into Selina's forehead! Somebody's gotta get
up there! Somebody's gotta get up into the arena! Oh no!" Actually, it
was a beer mug, but why quibble. They throw Selina into one of the bar
tables - it's bolted to the floor, so it doesn't budge.
Meanwhile, Caged Heat are making their way up a set of stairs - McLane
tells us Security is STILL chasing them
Back to the bar where the Angels are having their way with Selina..and
carrying her off to...?
Back to Caged Heat...but Security's got a hold of them
"Only a Security can save Selina Majors!" But it's still only Thug, Rider
and Davidson around Majors - apparently, they're at Caged Heat's holding
cell - and rammed into the cyclone fencing. While Rider & Davidson work on
locking the door, Thug puts Majors on a table and works the body. They say
Selina's cut but I don't see any blood...but maybe that's how they planned
it. We get "security camera" footage as well. Into a chair....and head to
the chair again. To the cyclone fencing one more time. Thug giving her
the coleslaw technique against the mesh...not unlike a steel cage mask.
All three get to stomping... and now Caged Heat and the security guard
enter the picture. Caged Heat exchange a high five and start to climb the
cyclone fencing, while the security guard works on unlocking the lock (and
going VERY VERY slowly about it) - apparently the fencing doesn't reach the
ceiling as Caged Heat have now joined Harley's Angels on the inside - where
Caged Heat are offered two chairs. "Somebody help Selina! Fans, we're
running outta time! Log onto wowe.com! Oh no! Something's gotta be done!
Stop it! They're gonna pound Selina! Five on one - oh my!" What happens
next? Well....apparently, you'll have to wait until next week...
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation,
Tootsie candies, and Invention Submission Corporation (2) - I don't
understand it - do pro wrestling watchers strike you as being the type to
regularly come up with brand new inventions?
Coming back to Terri Gold turning a corner and heading down a hallway...and
ending up in a cloud of smoke. Emerging from the cloud is Ice Cold,
carrying a handheld fire extinguisher. "Hahahahahahahahahahaha - did that
put your fire out, Terri Gold? Poison had her chance with you - now it's
MY turn! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha..." She tries to shoot off the halon
again, but it's dead. God bless her for trying. She gives up and walks
off.
We're out.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net