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/10 January 2000

WCW Nitro




I GET LETTERS: Gary Graham has issues. Hi,remember me?I'm the one who works for Buff's Fan Club.I'm writing to say I'm getting a little bit tired of all the negative Buff comments in yours(and others) columns.What is it?You think it's 'cool" to insult him?But making comments about hm "being gay" like you did in the Nitro report was a bit low.You sound like Wade Keller over at that rag he does called The Torch.If you don't like the guy fine,but calling him gay when you know he's not is uncalled for.If you think he's got no talent,fine,but leave it at that.If anything,you're the one who sounds gay making comments about it.Why do you care?Is it wishful thinking on your part?Now who do I sound like with those comments?Look in a mirror.I'm kinda curious to hear the reasons you dislike Buff,I need a laugh.

I like the Torch, and I think Wade Keller is a funny, funny guy. I have absolutely no special knowledge of Buff's sexual preference either way....but I'm pretty sure I know where I'M standing. Hint: You're not my type, and Buff isn't either - but I hope you two are very happy together. And please - use spaces between sentences. It helps ALL of us. I feel bad taking the cheap shot, but apparently nobody's told you about it so I'm willing to take the heat if it gets you separating 'em out, there.

QUICK QUOTES: SPLN 44 3/4 (- 3 3/4), who cares? The *big* news is clearly the announcement this morning of a major merger - that's right! Nextlink (NXLK, 77 1/16) announced it would work a stock swap to take over Concentric Network (CNCX, 39 5/8) for $45 a share (barring any drastic swings in the 20-day average price of Nextlink before the end of the quarter). If you don't know why this is important, just move on to the next paragraph and put it out of your mind. If you DO know why this is important, keep it to yourself, okay?

Of course, the REAL news and the stock to watch (to everybody who isn't me) is TWX 90 1/16 (+ 19 1/16), which announced a merger with America (ha!) Online (AOL, 72 3/4) - the new company will be known as AOL Time Warner and trade under the AOL symbol. As if comparing the prices of Time Warner and WWF Entertainment weren't unfair enough, NOW WCW is an even TINIER piece in the big pie of the parent. I'll probably still quote 'em up here, though - gotta have SOMETHING to bring week-to-week stability to the format! And wrestling results JUST AREN'T GONNA CUT IT!

Still, you have to wonder...I mean, certain online folk made a lot of hay out of the CBS-Viacom deal - remember that? "SmackDown! will be gone before it even starts! THE UPN DEAL IS DOOMED!" You think those same people are going to say anything about AOL doing anything with this money-losing division? Hah?

Here's hoping that the lead headline in tomorrow's Onion is "CRAPPY ISP BUYS ANNOYING MEDIA CONGLOMERATE"

KATE WRIGHTSON READS THIS CRAP?!? I'm hardly ever surprised, but THAT one floored me. Just goes to show that you can NEVER define "wrestling fandom" - or "non-wrestling fandom" as it were. news.groups in da house! Usenet in your face! I have no idea what I'm exclaiming - or why!

Of course, the whole indefinibility of "wrestling fandom" should have been made ABUNDANTLY clear to me the first time NPR's Laura wrote to me...I only mention her now because some of us are wondering how she's doing and are also too lazy to actually send an email while we have this public forum to abuse - AHEM - on with the show!




WCW logo - it delineates between the stuff that isn't the report and the stuff that is

TV-14-DLS ratings box welcomes us to a special package of THUNDER! highlights! Also the closed captioned logo makes a cameo. Not only is Funk vs. Nash for the position of comissioner set for Souled Out, but last Thursday Funk took on Bret Hart - and also got put through the stage, courtesy Kevin Nash.

Looking live at a long limo - Funk, Zbyszko, Orndoff, and Anderson walk out

STUFF THAT FLASHES!! We are live from the Marine Midland Arena in Buffalo, NY and Tony wastes no time noticing that no matter what the sport, Buffalo's got fans who WHINE, it's WCW Monday Nitro Live! 10.1.99 and only on AMERICA ONLINE NETWORK TELEVISION

PERRY SATURN & DEAN MALENKO (with Shane Douglas & Asya) v. KONNAN & KIDMAN (with Raymond Stereo) v. DAVID FLAIR & DEVON CROWBAR (with Daffney Unger) in a triple threat tag team match - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where the Revolution folks did bad things to Mysterio's knee. The Animals take on the Revolution for about thirty seconds until that REALLY annoying laugh brings out the champs and now it's a Pier Six Brawl - you know, you can CALL it a "three way dance," but ain't NOBODY dancing out there. Douglas, on fourth headset, says "I love it when a Flair gets dumped on his head!" Shane, your dream's dead. Trust me. Daffney screams a lot, which the cameraman finds more interesting than this match. The commentators discuss the Revolution's mystery partner for Souled Out, but Shane keeps it...a mystery. Shane makes the first call of a move 2:30 into the match. Champs use the hardware, even though I don't recall anybody telling me that this was a no DQ, falls count anywhere match. Saturn & Malenko grab a hold of Mysterio and take off - Shane goes off after them to figure out why they'd leave the ring. We see Saturn walking up through the crowd, while we see Malenko walk Mysterio over to a table - Malenko and Douglas put Mysterio down - Saturn's up on the New Jack! He's gonna - WOW! Douglas asks Saturn what the hell he's doing - this is WCW, man! Well, he doesn't say that really. Anyway, a trainer is over - ha! Goes RIGHT to Saturn! No, wait, he's over checking Rey. A stretcher is brought out for Rey while David Flair, who's found his way over next to the stage, has covered Saturn for the...pinfall. Guess they DID count anywhere. Champs retain. (4:37)

Your hosts are the AWESOME 3 - Tony says that rather than announce tonight's matches, Terry Funk has decided to book on the fly tonight - now that opening is JUST TOO EASY. Also tonight, a special interview with Stevie Ray ("sucka" will be said) - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where Stevie Ray proved to not be a man of his word by taking the slapjack to his brother and Midnight. Also tonight, a special face-to-face with Buff Bagwell and Diamond Dallas Page. Let Us Take You Back Once Again to THUNDER! where Page and Bagwell threw REAL punches. This segment must go five minutes before they start swinging or fines of fifty grand will be levied. And YOU thought we'd have MATCHES on this show!

Backstage, the NWO limo has arrived - it's apparently Scott Steiner's birthday, and the boys bought him a present - sixteen - no, eight easy chicks!

The old folks regard this on the monitor...then stand up and walk away. Larry takes special care to make sure his pinky NEVER touches the handle of his coffee cup



This portion of WCW Monday Nitro on TNT is brought to you by Western Union Money Transfer!

Here's a replay of Saturn diving onto Rey Mysterio - and here's another angle - and here's another - that's two (or three) more camera angles than WCW normally has, by the way. There's a replay of the pin.

Here's Mysterio loaded in the ambulance - he doesn't seem to want to go

Here's Scott Steiner and lots bouncin' boobies - when they jiggle like that I can't HELP but think "Coochie coochie" Apparently, he's gonna go f*ck two of 'em and then come back for others later.

OKLAHOMA is out. GREAT. He carries a broom and a bottle of BBQ sauce. "I just got something to say tonight, and it ain't politically correct...but it's the truth. I am sick and tired of all these [hooches] around here - all these [hooches] around here that don't realise that their place is in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant - what they don't realise that if they ain't barefoot and pregnant and cleaning up after men like us, then real men, like me - we just ain't got no use for 'em, I mean let's look at the masters. You got your Archie Bunker, you got your Ralph Kramden - would Ralph have let Alice get into a rasslin' ring and rassle a man? I don't think so. But this Madusa [here he waits for the pop - it doesn't come] ...she needs to learn her role. That silicone freak needs to realise that where she belongs is bringin' her husband his slippers and his beer, and if she can't do that, she ain't no damn good. Now I'm out here tonight 'cause I want to send a message to ol' Madusa. I wanna give her a little taste of exactly what's gonna happen at WCW Souled Out when I take that WCW Cruiserweight title right from around her cellulite-riddled waist. So I'm out here to let- I'm out here to issue an open challenge to any woman who thinks she can beat old Oklahoma - bring your fat ass down here, and let's have ourselves a good ol' fashioned slobberknocker." Here comes...

ASYA v. OKLAHOMA - Oklahoma tries to balk, saying "I can't wrestle you - I wanted to wrestle a woman!" Asya pushes him down - Oklahoma begs off - then when she turns her back (why?) he hits a high knee. Outside - stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! This guys almost knows as many moves as the Rock! Asya pops up, kicks, punches, scoop - sorta - and a slam - he's a big dude, you know. MADUSA comes out (with music!) as Oklahoma busts the BBQ sauce bottle over Asya. Madusa wears a blue boa and blue wig - why? Madusa checks on Asya - why? - then gets in the ring, whereupon Oklahoma - guess - STOMPS on her! Then he whacks her with the broom - the second time, the broom breaks, but not in the right spot. Oklahoma lifts the title belt, which turns out to be quite easy as Madusa is more worried about keeping her wig on. No ref, no match; no match, no time.

Funk's foursome - is - WALKING!

The NWO tells Scott it's time to be WALKING! But he's occupado

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Judge Wapner's Cash Scam, Hot Pockets' Toaster Breaks Pizza, and "The Iron Giant" on pay-per-view

"Closed captioning where available sponsored by our new best friends - America Online!" - Tony "Company Man" Schiavone

Out walk T&A & LARRY ZBYSZKO & PAUL ORNDORFF - Let Us Take You Back One More Time - Make That Two More Times - to Nash's powerbomb of Funk off the stage of THUNDER! There are a few Buffalo Bills in the front row (hey, you guys lost - yeah - you guys.) Funk: "Big Sexy! Dead man walking! Dead man still walking! You're gonna have to do more than put me through the stage ... to get the best of this old man. If it's war you want, it's war you've got. You see, these three guys behind me - I picked them up off of the unemployment line. These three guys are MY three guys. And we are the Old Age Outlaws. But we're still young enough to kick your ass! Come on out!"
Tenay: "I like that - the Old Age Outlaws!"
Schiavone: "So do I!"



Anderson: "There's an old saying that when faced with adversity, if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger - well they almost killed me, and I sure don't feel stronger, but I'm ill as hell. You see it goes like this - when faced in a situation of engagement - get off first, get the first lick in - so I'm telling you NWO, I'm gonna reduce myself to your level and I'm gonna skulk around the back, and I'm gonna find me maybe a broom closet to hide in, some shadows, and the first time I see one, or all of the back of your heads, I'm gonna get me some payback tonight."
Zybszko: "Ladies and gentlemen of Buffalo - ladies and gentlemen of the planet Earth - and to all you New World Order members in the back - we're gonna get something straight right now - you're going to listen and you're going to learn. You're gonna open your eyes and you're going to see the truth 'cause you're not looking at Larry Zbyszko. You're not looking at Arn Anderson, the Enforcer. You're not looking at Terry Funk of the famous Funk family. And you're not looking at Paul Orndorff, the Branden Bull, you're looking at tradition! And it has risen it's scarred-up, ugly head - against you! If it wasn't for us and names I could go on forever, you CLOWNS would not be in the wrestling business! The world has gone through it's millennium madness, and I got news for everybody - this is the same old century, and there's not a Powers that Be, and there's not a New World Order, that's gonna make it to the 21st Century unless it's over our dead bodies and legends never die!"
Orndorff: "Well said. You know, last three or four weeks, you've seen these young men sittin' on the front row. These young men here are from my Power Plant - these are my men. These young men bleed every day - sweat - tears! - to help keep the tradition that we - have done so many years ago - that tradition still lives. Some people seem to think that well, maybe we're all past our prime. I don't know about you, but I can stay all night up with the best of 'em. And if you want to get in a fight where you gotta get in the mud and the blood and deer, I can still do that too. It wasn't two or three weeks ago that you saw myself get fired - all of us get fired - but we've kicked everybody's ass that we've had to kick to be where we are today. So believe this, if you think these old dogs don't have another bite in 'em, you're awful wrong, because tonight, we're gonna take a chunk out of your ass." Funk takes the mic, but the music cuts him off - you can just FEEL this segment going long. Wanna have fun? Translate Orndorff into English. Here's the NWO - Jeff Jarrett is wearing a Frank Wycheck jersey for local heat. I would think the #1 guy in the group would speak first, guess who it is? "You know guys, it's kind of ironic since we go on at 8 o'clock how it worked out for you all, and allowed you guys to get your early bird dinner in. And, ah, Funk, I don't know if you suffer from Alzheimer's, brain damage or a combination of both - you know, I was gonna wait and do this at Souled Out, but I guess you're just not gonna learn, are ya? You're gonna have to learn the hard way. Now, myself, instead of being out here tonight badgering with the senior circuit, I should be out buying a coupla new suits - 'cause I wanna look good when I become the commissioner next week. Now, by looking at your apparel, you obviously didn't get any memo on any kinda dress code for the commissioner - that's a nice Target outfit you got there, commissioner. So whaddaya gotta say, Funk? Hah? Whattaya gotta say, old man?"
"Is that it? Is that all you have to say? Don't you have anything else to say? Because if you don't, I'll tell you what my role is here in WCW. I make each and every match, and I am making all of the matches here tonight, and Jeff Jarrett - Jeff Jarrett, tonight I am gonna give you a couple of special stipulations. I know that you are in Souled Out in a Triple Threat Threatre match Sunday. Well let me tell ya, tonight I am putting you in not one, but three matches. The first match will be a wrestling match, the second match will be a bunkhouse brawl, and the third match will be a cage match. And every match will be against one of my very close friends."
"That's fine, that's fine, but you just gotta do one thing for me. You gotta tell me who my opponent's gonna be in each one of those matches, because you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna kick THEIR ass just like the Tennessee Titans kicked the Buffalo Bills' ass this past Saturday! Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey! But please, you gotta tell me one thing, in that wrestling match - if it's gonna be Zbyszko, you gotta tell me now, because I'm gonna have to apologise ahead of time, because I'm gonna stretch his ass like it's never been stretched before."
"I don't have to tell you anything, and the reason why is I am the commissioner. But I will tell you one thing - you're not gonna be in the ring against any three of these men right here, but you will going against three of my very best friends tonight. So whaddaya think about that, give that some thought - Jarrett!"
"I just hope they don't die before they get to the ring..hahahaha."
"You don't have to worry about that - you don't have to worry abou that, Jarrett - I am going to be in this ring, and like I said, whenever you are in this ring, you are gonna be in three different matches."
Nash: "I guess Arn Anderson's gonna be the referee, right? Is Arn gonna referee these?"
"No, Arn Anderson isn't gonna be a referee - I have a very special referee in mind to wear the black and white stripes, and that referee tonight is gonna be Chris Benoit!"
The crowd goes NUTS! Well, sorta. Hart tells Funk he can't do that but we don't hear it.
Funk: "I can do anything I want to, Bret, at any time I want to! In fact, tonight I'm gonna put you in a special match - in this ring with the world's cham - championship title at stake! And in that match, you know who you're going to be going up against? I'm gonna tell you who you're gonna be going up against - you're going to be going up against Kevin 'Big Sexy' Nash!"
"We're not gonna fight each other, are you kidding me? We're like brothers. So get a new idea, there's no way we're gonna put this title between us and get a new idea, Terry Funk, 'cause you're an idiot! You're senile and you're and idiot and it's not gonna happen!"
"Let me tell ya somethin'. If you take it easy on each other, I will see that you are suspended for a year in WCW without pay! And I will see, Bret Hart, that you are stripped from the world's championship belt - that's what I'll do!"
Nash: "Well, number one there, Funk - unlike you, I've saved my money so I'll take the year off and I'm six hours from gettin' my correspondence ah degree in gynecologidylala, so ah..."
"Yeah, and I don't need the money either, I'll take the year off too."
"You're gonna lose the belt, Bret Hart, you're gonna lose the belt. If you don't go out there and wrestle your best, you are gonna lose that belt. Because I am gonna take it away from you!"
Steiner: "Listen here, Terry Funk! You old son of a (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)"
Funk: "Steiner, you haven't been officially cleared to wrestle, so I don't wanna see you crippled in this ring. But I'll tell you one thing, I'm gonna do something to you tonight that your momma should have done to you a long time ago. I'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap. Hit the music!"
We IMMEDIATELY go to the ad break, cutting off Schiavone in mid-sentence - see, we're running late again...coming up, five minutes under a minute long and several long ad breaks! Do stay tuned!

WCW and Surge are the perfect match!



Collect the five action cans - now!

Funk gives Anderson some directions, then tells the other two guys they won't know what hit 'em.

Buff Bagwell is WALKING!

Diamond Dallas Page is also WALKING!

That sure is one dark arena

Arn Anderson is out back, at a limousine. Who's in it? "I thought it was somebody else, sorry" - quick to the ad break!

Where's WCW going? Tomorrow, THUNDER! tapes in Erie! Catch them Friday in Charleston. Tix on sale Thursday for Winnipeg, Friday on sale for THUNDER! in Reno, and on sale Sunday for THUNDER! in Fargo!

It's Kimberly! And she's doing that thing that's al the rage - WALKING!

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Bagwell and Page - oh my, this sure got real real, real fast. And by "real," I mean "totally fake." At least this time, when they play the "Buff would put his stuff all over her," it isn't muted. You take your positives where you can get them, I guess.

GENE O. works tonight! It's time for that long-awaited wrestling match - err, wrestling - wrestling - interview. Another five minutes of yakkin'. Here's DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, feeling the bang. Here's BUFF IS THE STUFF, a man with quite a fan club. Remember, it's fifty thousand in fines if they strike each other in the five minutes. Page asks Okerlund to step off as a clock appears in the lower left corner. I know better, but let's transcribe THIS one for posterity as well - I know it'll be looked back upon as fondly as the previous segment.
"Hey monkey, grab the microphone, you're gonna need it. Ohhh."
"I've got one, monkey. What you got to say?"
"So, Puff. Last Thursday on Thunder, that piss you off?"
"Well let's just say you hit a few buttons, okay?"
"Good. I'm just gettin' started."
"Oh, really. How's your WIFE?"
(4:00 left)
"I don't know, why don't you tell us?"
"I'll tell ya - we're just friends."
"Just friends?"
"I'm a great listener."
"WOW! Now you're a great listener?"
"I'm a great listener, but listen Page I've told you before, Kimberly and I, and I'll tell everybody out here, we're just ... friends. But you know what? I see a little sparkle in your eye, and you know what? I'm not too sure it may not be DDP that's got the short - comings."
"Shortcomings. Trying to cost me fifty grand off the bat."
"Do ya got it?"
"I've got it, j[ackoff]."
"Shortcomings? That's good. It's not original, but that's good, LITTLE MAN. (3) Hey little man, let's cut the [bullshit] and let's get right to it. The night in Little Rock when you were at the bar hittin' on my wife ALL NIGHT LONG."
"Don't go there."
"I'm there."
"Listen to me, I've said it once - we're just friends - period."
"Hahaha - I want you to try something with me here for a minute."
"I'm with ya."
"Try and be honest - just for a moment. Weren't you the guy at the bar feedin' my wife drinks all night long? Weren'tcha? Trying to take advantage of a situation that you know we talked about. I called you while I was in L.A., I told you I'm over here - I'm right here - look at me (2) - I told you that we were havin' problems and that she missed me - but what did my buddy do, Bagwell, who doesn't do all his thinking with the big head? HE tries to get MY wife in his bed."
We cut to a shot of Kimberly watching all this on a monitor.
"Okay - okay - lemme ask you a question - let's say it was Page that was gettin' blamed for having an affair with one of the boys' wives. Let's just say it was, big man, okay, and let's just say the sexual chemistry - well, heh heh heh, you could cut it with a knife - at least that night you could. Is that what you're saying? If that's what you're sayin' Mr. DDP, Mr. Party Man (1), Mr. Nightclub Owner, if that's what you're saying, look me in my eyes and tell me you wouldn'ta done the same thing."
"No - I wouldn't. That's EXACTLY what I'm telling ya."
"Well that's exactly what I'm saying - neither did I."
"Oh so you didn't do it."
"I didn't do it."
"Why the hell should I believe you? Why should I trust you?"
"Why the hell should you NOT trust me? Lookitme, I'm here. Hook me up - you want a lie detector's test? I'll do it. Everybody here knows I'm Buff and I'm the stuff. But--"
"So what you've saying to me is that I overreacted."
"You overreacted."
"That you're not a boldfaced liar."
"Let's ask the people - am I a liar?"
(Crowd makes noise)
"But the one problem I got is the boys saying over and over and over again to me, 'you know Page, that Bagwell keeps talking about how sexy your (time's up! let's get to blows!) wife's birthmark is."
"I'm not talking about the one everybody can see - I'm talking about the one that only *I* can see."
"So that's what all this is about - a birthmark. Well, hell, that's easy - I've DEFINITELY seen that - but so's all the boys in the back too!"
And Page PASTES him with a left. There's a right. We look to the video wall to see Kimberly get up - and Bagwell pulls out a telescoping baton and beats Page with it, then says "I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" Buff's music plays.

What the HELL just happened?

In the NWO locker room, Jarrett paces back and forth, briefly being obscured by the TV-14-DLS ratings box.



Nash and Hart try to figure out how to deal with their match. Nash offers to go down, but Hart says he respects him too much. Of course, this devolves into an argument and Nash says he'll have no problem winning the belt tonight.

Meanwhile, in the back, Arn freezes waiting for the transport with the special ref - oh, never mind, the car's arrived!

CHRIS BENOIT comes to the ring wearing the zebra pattern. He's so happy to be here.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. ? in a bunkhouse brawl - the OLD AGE OUTLAWS come out second - and then present ...oh, God...GEORGE "THE ANIMAL" STEELE. Each man wheels a cart of plunder to the ring. Steele throws various objects into the ring and in Jarrett's general direction. We last saw the Animal, of course, at the unbelievably terrific "Heroes of Wrestling" PPV. Oodles of time being wasted as Jarrett refuses to get in the ring. Finally on the apron and Steele hits the wimpiest trashcan shot I've ever seen. That one's a bit better - so's that chair shot. Jarrett still yet to enter the ring. What's that, a tub? Jarrett decides to walk away while Steele snacks on a turnbuckle cover. The Outlaws advance on Jarrett to prevent him from getting too far. Jarrett in - gee-tar whack. Arn Anderson is in - there's a spinebuster. Benoit drags Steele onto Jarrett and fast counts a 3. (1:13) Hey Billones, PUT STEELE ON THE LADDER!

Steiner's done with two women - who know now why they call him Big Poppa Pump. Steiner - urgh - pours champagne on himself - then invites some women in.

In a split screen, we see Nash and Hart getting taped up.

Promotional consideration paid for by Hot Pockets' Lean Pockets metaballs & mozzerella, Plus+White toothpaste, Jolly Time Blast o' Butter popcorn, Frank's Red Hot sauce, and "the Iron Giant" on pay-per-view!

Goldberg T-shirt ad.

Jarrett tells Nash to punk out Hart and prevent them from having the match.




Meanwhile, Funk congratulates Steele and asks Anderson to get the next one. Steele: "Surprise?"

Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER!, in case you haven't yet seen this clip of Stevie Ray punking out his brother and Midnight with the blackjack - I mean, slapjack.

There's a shot of the cage before we go to Mean Gene, who welcomes STEVIE RAY to the ring. Ray trips on the giant "C" on his way out - who had him in the weekly pool? Ray accuses Okerlund and the Awesome 3 of ministering the propaganda, then - get this - gets MUTED on "fruit booty!" Seven years ago, Harlem Heat came to WCW - and even then, the Man was tryin' to keep 'em down. When Booker T. started to taste some singles success - winning the TV title because that's the only title the Man would let him win - how could he turn his back on his own brother, his own neighbourhood? Just because he wears the Johnny Carson suits and the Bruno Magli shoes don't mean he's not from the hood anymore, "and we all know what happened to the last sucka that stepped out with Bruno Magli shoes on!" Ray promises at Souled Out...we pause for the (muted) "asshole" chant. What's the POINT? "You know, at Souled Out - my brotha got a pay-per-view named after him!" The music plays again and BOOKA T. & MYDNYTE are out. Midnight has the ability to walk out without a chime? T. wants to know what's going on - they slept in the same bed for twelve years, he's not gonna fight him. Ray asks why he picked up that crackajack [fruit booty] to watch his back. T. says he loves him and he's his brother, and Momma's probably turning over in her grave. Last week he made his decision when he racked 'em on Thunder - "you're on your own, man - I ain't wrestling you tonight, I ain't wrestling you at Souled Out, I ain't never wrestling you. We outta here." Ray spins him around and slaps him one. "I tell you what, bro. I tell you what - you want a fight? You got a fight at Souled Out. But I'm gonna tell like this right here. This [SHIT will be] fixed, now can you dig that."

Backstage, Jarrett suggests to Hart that Nash might be a little jealous. Before I figure out what this one's about (I thought he was gonna suggest to Hart that they punk out Nash, but they didn't get there if they WERE going here), they go to ad break.

CHRIS BENOIT is out again. The OLD FOLKS are out again. Terry Funk talks about fire - don't tell me it's the Shiek? It's a former WWF intercontinental (one of the "W's" having five syllables or so) champion, former WWF tag team champion - yep, it's ****EL**** MATADOR, TITO SANTANA. Last time we saw THIS guy, he was subbing for Hugo Savitovich during his legal troubles. Unless he was at Heroes of Wrestling, too - I've blocked it out of my memory, I guess. Jarrett struts a bit with his Titans jersey in front of the Bills in the crowd, actually pushing TED WASHINGTON and then daring him to jump the rail. Orndorff is over to stand between them, and Jarrett shoves HIM as well. Jarrett gets in the ring, then rushes Santana...

TITO SANTANA v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET in a dungeon match - you win via pinfall, submission or throwing the man through the ropes to the floor. Santana is in great shape and still has a great dropkick. FLYING JALAPENO!!! Santana yanks on the leg, then splashes the knee twice. Setting him up for the figure four, but Jarrett kicks him off - it takes Santana three times to get up and over the top rope (sigh), headbutt through the ropes - Sunset flip coming in - Benoit doesn't even think about counting (oops), Jarrett clotheslines him down and now stomps away. Jarrett kicking Santana onto the apron - ready to push him through to the floor - Benoit over and he's got him in a waistlock - pulling him back to the ring, Jarrett and Benoit shoving, Benoit pushes Jarrett into Santana, punch, punch, Jarrett reverses and hits the Stroke but Benoit pulls him off, meanwhile Ted Washington is up on the apron, there's a shove - Jarrett looks around like "duh, who was I supposed to be shoved into?" and finally Orndorff puts him in the patented piledriver - Santana covers, 1, 2, 3. (2:24) Tell me - what exactly are the old folks proving with this?

Tank Abbott - is - WALKING!



I can't BELIEVE Coke would put SURGE ads on during THIS show and not during SmackDown!

Jimmy Barron is a cheap bastard - PLEASE come to Souled Out - PLEASE! Even in January, Barron wears the shorts and the flip-flops and hangs out by the pool.

Sid Vicious and Sting have videos, and you can buy them. Also, the Nitro Girls wear swimsuits and you can beat off to them - I mean, BUY them!

THUNDER! airs Wednesdays starting THIS week - by God, it's SPECIAL again! Catch it at 6:05 - or if you're on the east coast, three hours later...

TANK ABBOTT is out. Let Us Take You Back to Abbott's latest beating of Doug Dellinger - this one cost him $15K, we are told. "The countdown is on - six days 'til I kick kickboy Huckleberry Finn's ass. It'll be the first time he will find out what a Tank beating is all about. But what I want to talk about is a big fat old duck body by the name of Doug Dellinger, head of security. He seems to think that he can come out here, take money from me. Ten thousand dollars here for hittin' him, ten thousand dollars there for hittin' him. You can take all the money you want, duck boy, but you can not take my pride or my integrity. I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna give YOU the chance of a lifetime there, Doug Dellinger. I'll let you come out here and take a shot on me, and then we'll go there. So why don't you waddle your fat ass out here and try to take a poke at me. That's what I thought, typical security." And I think he quacks. After calling him a coward a few times, DOUG DELLINGER comes out again. Abbott...apparently, quacks some more. Doug's in the ring now and trying to politely decline (I think). Abbott finally grabs him by the tie (since when does he wear a tie, anyway?), Dellinger gets a right but Abbott takes him down rather fiercely. SECURITY & COPS come out and Abbott quickly gets cuffed. "There's gonna be no handcuffs Sunday when he has that shootfighting match with Jerry Flynn!" Well, here's JERRY FLYNN, who gets a savat kick to the back of Abbott's head. Flynn sits up - and smirks. Does THIS segment make you want to order the PPV?

Jeff Jarrett is WALKING!

Arn Anderson walks around to the back of a limo - and brings out - oh boy - Superfly Jimmy Snuka.

Bret Hart is STILL getting dressed? It's been, like, an hour!

Kevin Nash is stretching

Chris Benoit is taking a little nap - he's apparently been laid out

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. JIMMY "SUPERFLY" SNUKA in a cage match - Maybe I should just fast-forward to the big splash off the top of the cage. don't think they'd bring him out here to NOT do that move? This is WCW? Har de har har. Jarrett cuts a local heat promo running down the Bills and proclaiming himself - and Frank Wycheck - the Chosen Ones. When Tony says "I can remember back in 1978," so many things go through my mind. One, since when does Tony remember things happening TWO MONTHS ago, and two, how great an idea is it to get over Snuka by bring up great highlights from *22* YEARS AGO? This match is all Jarrett. Here comes Benoit, shaking it off. Trying to get in the cage, Jarrett shoves him off the apron through the door - twice! Jarrett over on Snuka - Benoit in the cage. Benoit on Jarrett. Chop! Into the cage!



Again! Snap suplex! Thumb crosses throat! Benoit climbing to the top - hey, you don't think we'll have stereo headbutts? Well, Jarrett pulls him off the top turnbuckle and Benoit hits hard. Jarrett goes outside (wait, did he just win the match?) and goes back in with the gee-tar. But now LARRY ZBYSZKO & PAUL ORNDORFF are out. Zbyszko wrests the guitar from him, now it's time to go old school with the punches, chops, elbows, Jarrett acting the pinball. Snuka is up to the top of the cage - Benoit on the opposite corner - SUPERFLY SPLASH! SWANDIVE HEADBUTT! Snuka covers - 1, 2, 3. (3:20)

Bret Hart - is - WALKING!

Kevin Nash - is - WALKING!

Steiner seems tired - but he's got two girls left - or is he gonna do 'em again? I dunno. I'm sure it'll all come together at the end of the show...

Souled Out promo - it's Sunday Sunday Sunday!

KEVIN NASH v. BRET CLARKE for the World Heavyweight Championship - we look in the back to see Zybszko and Orndorff cuffing Steiner to the lockers - he's just too tired to fight back, I guess. Funk walks up and stuffs a bar of soap in his mouth. Those ring rats are SCARY! Did you read Bret Hart's column over the weekend? He sure loves his life at the moment. It almost makes you wonder if karma', better not say it. Both men walk around - Nash with the knee and the elbow in the back. Elbow. Knee in the gut. Repeat. There's another knee. Standing on the neck. We will call this pace "deliberate," yeah. Hart finally strikes back, kicking the left knee, punching in bunches, and Nash slumps in the corner. Rake of the face by Hart. Headbutt - hurts Hart as well. Hart runs the face along the top rope. Nash comes back with clubbing forearams to the back. Elbow to the back of the head. Nash stands on the neck and uses the ropes to do a little more damage. Do you think the folks in the arena are feeling like they're getting their money's worth? Nash puts a forearm across the chest and Hart goes outside. Nash follows. Punch to the back. Hart rolled in, Nash back in over the top rope, natch. Hart going back to the knee, now putting the leg across the rope and sitting on the knee. Elbowdrop on the knee. Another elbowdrop. I sure could go for a cream soda right now. Hart pulls the leg back. Another buttdrop on the leg across the bottom rope. In the corner, Hart tries wrapping the leg around the second ropes - Nash is screaming - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson counts to five but Hart doesn't break. Hart finally lets go. Kick to the knee. Nash pulls Hart into the corner. Elbow. In another corner, another elbow. Hart put on the second rope, Nash straddles him. Nash limping. Hart going back to the knee with kicks, there's the side Russian legsweep. Head to the lower abdomen between the legs - and another. Hart picking Nash up by the hair, but Nash hits the low bridge and Hart crumples.



Nash runs Hart's head into the buckle. Scoop - snake eyes. Nash covers - 1, kickout at 2. Hart's trick knee acts up - returning the favour, I think. Hart drops the elbow twice. Second rope elbowdrop - MISSES! Nash covers - 1, 2, kickout. Right, right, right, Hart goes down. Cover - 2. Nash limps over, Hart kicks, right, right, right, timber. Hart yanks the leg backwards again. Nash can barely stand. Whip is reveresed, Nash with a sidewalk slam. Nash rolls out - he's got a chair. Is this a "no DQ" match? ARN ANDERSON is out - and there's a STEEL pipe to the back. And there's another. Sure, might as well wreck the one good match we've had all night. Anderson says "I told you I owed you." SID VISCOUS is out. Hart runs at Sid, who puts the boot up. Ver-r-r-y slowly, the boot meets the chair meets Hart's head and he goes down. Anderson asks for the cage to be lowered. Whip into the ropes, caught in a choke - chokeslam by Vicious. The cage is down. Millennium bomb! Anderson counts 1, 2, 3. Wait a minute - does he win the title? Apparently not. What was it ol' what's-his-name said about logic? (10:54) TERRY FUNK is out with a flaming branding iron. He comes across Nash lying on the outside - and brands him. Quick, cut to black! Children might be watching!

I can't adequately put into words how unsatisfying this show is. That's how Nitro has gotten for me. Who on earth are they playing to with this show? Did it do ONE DAMN THING to get you interested in Sunday's card? Would you consider tonight's use of Benoit proof that he's no longer being wasted or kept down? How about Booker T.? What happened to all the Cruiserweights and luchadors? Anybody seen Kaz Hayashi? Where is the telelvision belt, and why isn't it around the waist of Steve Regal? What will they do NEXT week to make things worse, 'cause you KNOW they are intent on finding new and improved ways to make things worse, more unwatchable, more uninteresting to fewer and fewer people....oops, I was trying to keep that in check. Well, I'm sure MADDEN liked it. And, hell! At least the locker room morale is way up. That's what I read on anyway - THEY wouldn't lie.

See you next week.

[slash] wrestling



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